Raising surviving children after losing one to death is hard.
I have to deliberately fight my instinct to smother them with blankets and blankets of overprotectedness. I know if I go there I would never let them step foot outside, go anywhere, do anything. I try very hard to not let fear of my other children dying rule my life and I think that I have done an excellent job.
Most of the time.
Even though he is 7-months-old, our little butterlump still wakes up twice a night for a bottle without fail. Usually we feed him around 1-3 am and then again at 5-7 am.
We gave him a bottle at 12:30 last night.
This morning, Jonathan rolled over and said, “Wow! I didn’t even hear the baby when you got up with him for his morning feeding.”
“Jon..I DIDN’T get up with the baby this morning, I thought you did.”
“NO. What time is it?”
“9:15.”
We both looked at each other and I emitted a half-strangled, “NO!!” in a whisper before we frantically lept out of bed in a tangle of sheets and blankets and RAN into the nursery.
Images of Matthew dying in my arms filled every single corner of my mind.
I don’t think that the English language has adequate words to describe the sheer terror of those seconds. Nor am I able to adequately describe the massive relief seeing Aaron sleeping and munching on his wee thumb brought me.
More than anything I am just so very grateful that I did not have to re-live my worst nightmare all over again.
He’s fine.
I will be too.
I just have to get my heart to stop pounding first.
so sad – can’t imagine your pain.
Unimaginable yet completely understandable.
Love you babe. *hugs*
I can only imagine. He needs to let you know before he changes his schedule ;-)
Wow, not a rush of adrenaline that u wanted to feel this morning, but totally understandable! I’m happy everything was fine, love from AZ, Patty
I think your reaction is totally normal.
Having lost my mom so young (which doesn’t even compare to losing a child) – I overreact at every turn.
If someone is 20 minutes late or doesn’t answer the phone – I’m ready to call highway patrol.
{{HUGS}}
Completely understandable. <3
Completely makes sense. I can not even imagine. Hugs to you sweetheart. Scoop him up and give him tons of love.
Baby doll…
My heart leapt into my throat and tears filled my eyes for you.
I have not lost a child and the first night that Monkey skipped and didn’t wake up for his two feedings.. I jumped out of bed in fear and ran in there.. I was terrified.
Your fear… I can’t even fathom.
I love you friend…
xoxo
I remember the first time my little girl slept through the night. I woke up and flew into her room only to discover her happily snuggled in the corner of her crib. That was the worst feeling ever. So I can’t even begin to imagine how you felt.
You have no reason to feel bad for overreacting, I think most mother’s would do the same.
<3
I can only imagine those terrifying steps. I have been there, without having lost a living child, and still experienced that terror of those moments before realizing baby has slept peacefully. So sorry you had to experience that after having to live though what you’ve lived through!
Hugs.
How scary.
Oh Loralee. The terror you felt comes through this blog post and it made my heart pound with yours. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry that you can’t have the ignorance bliss that so many other parents get to have, that you should get to have.
It’s just not fair.
((hugs)) I don’t even want to think about it, but the terror of that happening is ALWAYS on my mind and I have never had to bury a child. My heart aches for you. I just can’t imagine the terror.
I can barely begin to imagine the torrent of emotions and hormones (ie adrenaline) you must have experienced this morning. I’ve wondered how you deal with the very understandable desire to over protect. So glad that Aaron is safe & sound.
Hugs. Your reaction seems completely normal. I can’t even imagine what you must have gone through in those seconds. Our minds can be evil some times.
I know how you felt. Honest I do. Our first baby would have been a little girl. But she was stillborn. Cord over her shoulder. A year and a half later we were back at the hospital, ready to deliver a baby. Suddenly, fetal heart rate monitors said the baby was in trouble. They took Annie, bed and all, racing down the hall to the operating room. I was left standing there. And I waited. And I waited. For twenty long minutes I stood in one place, unable to move, unable to think anything but “Please. Not again.” There was an incredible sense of joy and relief when the nurse came to me and said, “Your son is fine.”
Sometimes I think God just likes to fuck with your mind a little.
I know the first time either of my babies slept through the night I woke up in terror…I can’t imagine that after having lost a little one!
Glad all is well!
I haven’t had a child die of SIDS, but I’d also panic and run to the nursery if I hadn’t heard from my baby for that long.
Glad he’s okay!!! And maybe sleeping longer now!
GAH. *HUGS*
My heart was racing just reading this. I can’t imagine. I think your reaction is totally normal. Hugs.
Oh, geez, this brought tears – both in fear and gratitude for you. I imagine the fear will never go away. =( So glad he’s ok…and you will be too
I have not lost a child, but the first night Bri slept through the night at 3 months, James and I ran for her room. We had the SIDS information pounded into our head from prenatal classes. And other things had happened the night before so we panicked. She was fine, we were a mess.
I can’t even begin to imagine that feeling going through your mind, but I think I understand. Big hugs to you!
Oh honey, I can’t even imagine. My mom tells a similar story about me and my first night home.
Just being that self-aware is amazing.
oh, that’s awful. that instead of feeling relief that he slept through, your first emotion was fear. I’m sorry. I can only imagine your relief when you say he was sleeping peacefully! hugs.
Believe me Loralee, I understand, If i smell a fireplace burning wood or a campfire or even burnt toast, I immediately get that panicked, adrenaline rush to save my baby. It’s terrifying that feeling. I am glad though that as is usually the case, your fear was unfounded.
I’m so sorry those fears rear up and try to consume you. So glad all is well.
I am covered in goosebumps. I’ve never lost a child, and yet I still panic when my 15 month old sleeps through the night (very rare). I cannot even fathom the fear that pumps through your veins at those times…
Thank you for sharing these moments.
Oh man how terrifying.
Big hugs to you. <3
How heart wrenching that what is a blessing to some parents (your baby sleeping through the night)is such a frightening reality for you.
xo
My 2 yr old sleeps through the night all the time but I still freek out when he sleeps past his usual waking time. I don’t think that will ever change.
Oh wow! I can only imagine the panic you must have felt! So glad everything is ok!
*Hugs!*
Tearing up here.
The first night I slept through the night (and Mom’s panic) is one of the stories she tells the most, I think because she had such a gut-drop feeling that morning that she never quite got over it. I’ve felt it too, with both kids.
I’ll be honest. Ever since I read your graphic post about Matthew (the one with details about that day and then the later day), if more than 20 minutes go by when my little one is napping, without me checking on her, as soon as I remember to check, the words from your post float before my eyes while I’m rushing in to where she’s sleeping.
If hearing about it can do that to me…
——–
But I’m glad he slept through for ya :)
Oh dear God. My heart stopped for you.
Give him an extra squeeze for me.
Since Alexa was a preemie and came home on an apnea monitor I have these issues. She’s been off of it for months now, but every-time she sleeps “too long” I assume she’s dead.
I can’t imagine how hard the same fear is for you :-(
Oh my god, I’m so sorry for your incredibly tragic loss…I simply can’t imagine. So glad your little Aaron was okay that morning.
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