I do not have the greatest relationship with God.
Prayer has never been a natural thing for me. I have ALWAYS had difficulty leaning on or going to God, even when I was my most active in Mormonism. I have had some extremely bitter and hateful feelings against Him because of life circumstances.
Two incidents in my life caused me and my life such devastation that I have often thought that there should be two headstones with my name and date placed where they happened because the person I was before they happened died and never really came back.
One of these life-changing things is the death of my son.
It is easier to take out my anger about both of these on God then on people I love. Plus, I figure he’s big enough to take it.
But.
My anger towards God has started to soften since Aaron was born. It has been small and slow, but it is definitely there. It is hard being so bitter when such a gift has been given to you. It’s harder to hold on to anger when you have such a huge infusion of love and gratitude come into your life after so many years of darkness and pain.
I also have some dear loved ones who have a beautiful faith and seeing it has helped me. Their faith is something I love most about them and their example has seeped in…even though it seems that I am not paying attention.
It’s been needed around here lately.
Everything will be ok, but there have been some things going on that have actually taken me to my knees.
I had no where else to turn.
But.
I am not sure anyone heard me.
I am an extremely sentimental person and it manifests in various ways. One habit is that I will have whole conversations with people I’m thinking about. And another is when I am deeply moved or missing someone I love, I put my hand on the monitor and touch the image of their photograph to tell them I love them. I miss them. I cherish them. Or that I just want to eat them up! I love them so!! I do this to my big boys and little Aaron all the time and they are either just at school or napping in the next room.
I treasure tangible reminders of people I love. I hang onto them for dear life and when they are lost I deeply mourn. My greatest heartache is that we have so very few photos of Matthew. We were too poor to get monthly photos done or own any kind of camera and so I bought disposable ones. The quality on the ones we have are not great. In fact, the photos of the greatest quantity and quality of him are of his tiny body in a casket. We had family photos scheduled for the day we ended up burying him.
These things hurt me more then I can possibly begin to describe to you.
Today, I was going through a bunch of old CDs and checking their content and I gasped when I saw a photo on one of them.
A photo of my Little Bug.
A photo of my Little Bug that I had never seen before.
I don’t know if you can understand what a gift this is to me.
I haven’t seen his sweet face in 6 long years.
He is so beautiful.
My amazing, red-headed boy that I love to his sweet toes.
It did not fix my worry, regret or pain but it sent a surge of joy and thankfulness so big that I feel renewed strength and love surrounding me. Tears of joy streamed down my face and I gave thanks to God for giving me this moment. I have to think it was a gift from Him.
I put my hand up to my monitor and touched his sweet face and whispered, “I miss you.”.
I think that even though he is so very far away?
He heard me.
So beautiful. Glad you were blessed with that photo today.
He heard you, oh yes he did.
Oh Loralee, that is so beautiful.
I’m so glad you found that picture.
OH you know I am sobbing right now. I had one of those moments when I found some video of Emma from our webcam that I didn’t know we had.
God loves you Loralee. You know that I know it and that is enough for right now. I know that Matthew and Emma are playing together and trying to heal their Mama’s broken hearts.
He is beautiful, just like his Mama.
xoxo
that is a very sweet(and beautiful) photo. made me cry.
He is so beautiful….
You’re right, what a blessing, what a treasure you found.
my tears of joy are joining yours. those sweet toes!! so happy you found this.
ouch.
This post hurt my heart. So beautiful.
I want to give you a huge hug.
Such a beautiful story and a beautiful baby boy. I’m sure he hears you every day and continues to watch over your family. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.
Of course he heard you. You are his one and only mommy. Hugs!
Oh Loralee. Your writing and the picture took my breath away. He hears you and loves you very much. (((Loralee))) Much love, thoughs and prayers coming your way. Thank you for sharing your blessing.
He definitely heard you.
<3
He not only heard you but I’d bet he was peeking down with a beautiful smile waiting for you to see it. And wanted to snuggle up to you to show he misses you too.. he’s really is beautiful.
as for prayer… I’ve been working VERY hard to get back to praying… I find that when things are good, I pray to give thanks and just to talk.
when things are bad I pray to ask for help and give thanks so I am reminded things are not THAT bad
when things are the worst they possibly can be and I just want it all to be over and done? I don’t pray. because what’s the point? really? he didn’t hear me asking for help previously so he’s sure as hell not going to hear me now while I bitch and moan and cry.
I need to remember God is really a father (i honestly believe this) and he REALLY wants us to be happy, whatever that may take. But today? tonight? fuck that shit. I envision him like in bruce almighty… he is just too busy with other people who have bigger problems. I may not have much… I barely have my neediest of needs met. but I have that. which is more then others so he can ignore me being needy and asking for things like… undies that fit (mine are all about 3 years old and bought when I was 60 lbs heavier) (that goes for shirts and pants and bras too!)
Obviously I’m all over the place.. but when it comes down to it. yes. I do think he listens to us.. it jsut doesn’t always feel like it.
so, so beautiful.
<3
What a beautiful, beautiful baby boy – and what an incredible gift for you to stumble upon this old picture.
I think he knew you needed to see him and he heard you, I’m sure :)
What you’ve had to endure is just so, so much. This brought instant tears for me.
Faith can be hard – there are so many questions, and there are so many things we don’t understand. Thing is, God never promised us a life free from pain – but he does promise to be right there with us to carry us through it.
Huge hugs to you Loralee.
I read the story of your sweet baby’s passing and I’m so sorry for your loss.
And I’m so GLAD that you found this photo. Priceless indeed! xoxo
What a treasure. <3
Very touching story, very precious photo.
This is why I shouldn’t read your blog at work – I’m trying to hold back the tears at my (very public) desk. What a beautiful picture. I’m so happy for you that you found it.
So beautiful. Both your sweet boy and your words!
You know how I feel about prayer! Just think of how much you love your kids and multiply it by infinity and that’s how much Heavenly Father loves you! That’s why he gave you Aaron!!!! What a nice gift to get at Christmas time- a picture of your sweet little Bug!!! You’ll see him again!
I’m sorry for your pain and sadness. I don’t know all the terrible things that have happened in your life, but I know God loves you. Not just in some vague, mystical way. HE LOVES YOU, LORALEE. Personally. Completely. And I know He heard your prayer. I’m glad you’re finding peace. Hope I get back to the valley to say it to you in person someday!
It’s funny, I feel the same way about new pictures of my dad whenever I find them. As if I’m seeing a piece of him for the first time. A part of his personality I never got to meet in the 12 and half years I knew him.
Love to you, friend.
He’s just as adorable as I remember him!
I don’t like photos.
Not the ones of my loved ones at least. In my room I have some photos of me and the kids I babysat when I was in France, I have my old friend’s photo (to whom I don’t talk anymore; our paths just split) and a card with Pope John Paul II’s photo (although I never met Him, He is my spiritual guide, even now, when He’s dead; or maybe especially now). I don’t have my family photo in here, I don’t keep it in my wallet (my mother does that, even though I asked her not to). I don’t like photos – when I look at them I have a feeling that it’s not a person I know and love. I feel that it’s just some kind of scam and that someone is trying to trick me. I know it’s irrational, I know it’s stupid, I know it’s bizzare. I know all that – and yet I can’t help that feeling. For the same reason I don’t like watching videos with my family. It just doesn’t seem right.
But I never lost anyone (well, both of my grandfathers and my paternal grandmother are dead, but I barely knew them, so I didn’t feel that loss so much; I was more of a freaked out by the funeral itself, ’cause I was just a child) so I can’t tell how would I feel in your place. I mean… I understand why you and other people, you are all so… attached to photos. I know this is me who is different in this case. I guess if there were only memories of someone I love left, I would like to see some photos and videos too… maybe. Anyway, I know, I’m a freak.
But, anyway. Your story is very touching. I am sure Your Boy is up there and watches over you. And he’s waiting for you, happy to see you having some solace after all that sorrow. I can tell you that – children hate when their moms are sad.
As for the prayer… For me, prayer is as natural as breathing. I guess I’m lucky. Faith is easy. (Well, at least faith in God; I have issues with faith in people. I’m just watching all that’s been going on in my Church (I’m Catholic) and I’m loosing that faith, faith in people and their good will, bit by bit.) Faith is easy, being religious – not so much… But I guess it’s better than the other way around. Anyway… I’m not sure how would I survive if there wasn’t for God – in the most desperate times, He was always a source of solace for me. I wouldn’t probably be here; the night I decided to kill myself, many years ago, as a very miserable teenager, I stopped – because suiscide is a sin. And the same night I went to church for the night Watching and Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament – that gave me strenght and I never tried it again, even if I was really miserable. God was there for me.
I know that what you’ve been through is much, much worse than anything I ever experienced in my life, but, I guess, what I’m trying to say is that… I’m not sure, really. All I know is… God is good and He looks after his lambs. He’s there for you always, even if you find it hard to go to Him. And even if you’re angry with Him. He knows. He understands. He’s God, after all.
Okay, I’m talking too much AGAIN. Sorry. I’m shutting myself up and going to do something constructive.
bisous,
Amy.
In the very sweet words of my 3 year old princess, “you made my heart smile”. So many hugs to you and what a wonderful gift you have found.
just thinking of you.
hugs to you. I’m so glad you found this picture. What a beautiful boy he is. gorgeous and sweet. I’ve been searching for faith myself. I was raised Catholic and have so many people in my life that follow different religion, but can honestly say I’ve never been able to find the faith that so many others have. You are a very strong person. I feel it through your writing.
Oh, lady. So beautiful.
*crying now* what a beautiful and unexpected gift, I’m so glad you found it
this was so moving. and so powerful. I do believe that God hears everything we say and He knew you needed that comfort.
This is one of those moments when I have no words. Those are few, trust me. I just hope that having that photograph of your beautiful baby is a comfort to you. My thoughts are with you.
Tears. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways. I know this to be true after my own heartaches. This gives me hope. Love you.
Of course he heard you…he hears you everyday. Xo
What a gift finding the photo was. Thanks for sharing it and your moving story. (((Loralee)))
<3
When I was a little girl, I would pray to God and ask him to “put my grandpa on” like I was talking on the phone to God and the grandpa I just lost (I was shattered) was standing right there ready to talk to me. It made perfect sense to me that God could make this happen, since he could do everything.
When I lost Kai, I talked to him constantly. It was the only way I could go on.
Yes, I believe with my whole heart Matthew heard you. I KNOW that he knows you miss him and still love him to your core.
I have been struggling with my faith lately too. Your post gave me a little sliver back today.
Also, it made me sob. I love you.
What a precious priceless gift.
You brought tears to my eyes!
I am sure that he heard you…I bet he is beside you more than you know! Your bug loves you as much as you love him and from recent posts I can see that he wants you to know he is around!!
What a beautiful picture of your bug!
What a special moment. Of course he heard you. Hugs. I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. Love you.
Such a sweet little munchkin. I don’t know how you and all mothers who lose children do it. You are amazing every day when you wake up and start a new day. I am in awe!
*tears* And what my mom said. That is a huge blessing for you to find that photo. It’s a beautiful one of your boy. xoxoxo
I’m in tears too. I can’t think of what to say to express how I feel about this moment. It is so sad, yet a blessing to be found. I think our relationship with God has it’s ups and downs over the years, but if we keep moving forward and not trying too hard to figure it out one day it will become clear. It reminds me of the words of the indigo Girls song “Closer to Fine” – “The less I seek my source for some definitive – the closer I am to fine.” (((Hugs)))
So much to say. We need to sit and talk. More and more and more because how much we have in common is just crazy to me.
Faith is my tripping point, but sometimes? I love those times when it seems easier. Those are precious moments among the crazy.
He is so, so beautiful.
Amazing. And you are amazing in writing about it.
Such a beautiful boy, such a beautiful blessing that you found the pic and now have it to be reminded of his “Matthew-ness.” Of course you always have him in your heart but something tangible is so comforting. I wish I could hear my grandpa’s voice telling stories again; the sound of his voice was love, warmth, stories of “exotic” places such as Minnesota, and the smell of coffee with milk and sugar. But he died of lung cancer when I was 18 and by the time he passed my memories of his “real” voice had been misshapen. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to hear Grandpa Rueben and it feels like I almost can before my brain’s radio station changes or goes to static. Maybe when I am very old and lost in memories it will come back to me? Anyhow, I hope seeing your Little Bug there gives you not only comfort, but joy in his eternal loveliness.
What a beautiful surprise! I especially love how his feet look as though they are in prayer. I wish I knew what to say, but I’ve been reading your blog and I think you and your family often.
God may not take away our burdens, but he will make us better able to bear them :)