I THOUGHT today’s post would be full of fuzzy, heartwarming photos of my family decorating a Christmas tree and of our snug little home decked and boughed for the holidays.
Um, yeah.
Not.
The weekend didn’t really work out that way.
And I am upset. And sad. And angry. And hurt and I know that I am feeling fallout of eleventyhundred emotions that are personal and stressful but matter greatly anyway. A whole lot of the things going on in my house right now are not helping. You know that when I am pushed to the point that I actually rant online, Ms. Tunes is NOT in a good way.
*BEGIN RANT*
I have had it.
HAD IT.
I am sick and tired and stressed and hugely pissed off right now. Basically I am very close to the end of my proverbial rope.
SO.
EVERY PERSON WHO HAS BOY BITS IN THE LOONEY TUNES HOUSEHOLD*, (which is everyone BUT ME) LISTEN UP TO THE NEW RULES IN EFFECT FROM RIGHT THE FREAK NOW UNTIL SCHOOL RESUMES IN JANUARY. Actually, scratch that. THESE RULES ARE APPLICABLE UNTIL ONE OF US IS NO LONGER WALKING THE EARTH. Scratch THAT. THESE RULES ARE APPLICABLE EVEN IF I AM NOT WALKING THE EARTH. I WILL HAUNT YOUR ASSES AND MAKE SURE YOU DO THEM BECAUSE EFF ALL IF I AM STICKING YOUR POOR WIVES WITH THIS BEHAVIOR!
1. I do not CARE if it is a holiday. IF you are under the age of 18 and I catch you up at midnight your heiny is MINE. If you are under the age of 105 and you don’t come upstairs from the basement after gaming night after night (after much of the day as well) with your new video game until 5:30 in the morning your ass is mine, too. ONLY NOT IN A GOOD WAY. I am not cruel. I want you to enjoy yourself. I know you don’t do it often BUT I HAVE HAD IT after WAY over a solid week of this day and night.
2. You are good boys and you HAVE been helping out mom around the house since mom has been determined to have it spic and span as much as she and a weekly cleaning service** can have it, but IF I FIND ONE MORE KITCHEN FLOOR AND TABLE STREWN WITH USED BOWLS AND SPOONS AND MILK AND DEAD, SOGGY CEREAL CORPSES IN THE MORNING YOU WILL HAVE TO GO TO FREAKING IOWA TO GROW YOUR OWN DAMN CORN TO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN CEREAL WITH THE DAMN AMISH SOUTHERN IOWA BAPTISTS OR WHATEVER BECAUSE DAMN ALL IF I WILL HAVE TEENAGE BOYS LEAVING A MESS LIKE THAT ALL OVER MY KITCHEN EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. I taught you how to clean. Maybe not as methodically and ridgedly as a lot of women BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU CAN AND KNOW HOW TO SO DO IT WHEN I TELL YOU TO. You taking advantage of my laidbackness is backfiring on you (and me) huge and I am done. I am not a neat freak in the least, in fact I am totally housekeeping challenged and cluttery by nature but I am also not one to practically dump cereal all over a table and floor and then pour milk all the freak over it, either.
3. I will save all issues involving bathrooms and nakedness for private conversations as I do not want to overly embarrass anyone online BUT YOU HAD BETTER FREAKING PAY ATTENTION WHEN I DO.
4. If you are married to me and say that you are going to the store and I supervise bathing, pajamas, night time, bottles, barf and diapers because you are having to schlep groceries and then WAIT FOR TWO FREAKING HOURS FOR YOU TO COME HOME AFTER TRYING TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT’S 9 PM AND WE’RE ALL TOTALLY HUNGRY WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO FIX DINNER WITH AND I DISCOVER THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN GO TO THE STORE BUT WERE PLAYING THAT @#*$@&!(#&@*@!@!!!@*(#@ GAME DOWN IN THE BASEMENT?????? YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE DAMN COUCH. Oh, and also? When I go and get the keys and drive myself to the store? I WILL BUY MY WEIGHT IN CARBS AND INCLUDE EVERY SINGLE DAMN ITEM OF FOOD THAT IS BANNED BY YOU AND THAT YOU PUT BACK OUT OF OUR CART WHEN MY HEAD IS TURNED.
AND YES…THAT IS THE BIG box of Diet Coke. Be glad we don’t have a second fridge anymore or a garage or it would have been MULTIPLE BIG BOXES OF DIET COKE. And YES…It IS TWO, COUNT THEM TWO packages of Oreos AND two “POINTLESS CELEBRITY MAGAZINES” IN THAT PILE, MISTER. (What? It’s Ellen and Oprah, yo. And I loves me some People magazine.) And don’t touch my Russle Stover’s Marshmallow Santas, kids. Or your DS’s ARE MINE.
5. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THING BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING? Finally? That I could let all those million small things go (EVEN the CONSTANT CANCELING OF MY DVR’D SHOWS FOR SPORTS AND ANIME) if I can see you trying here? PLEASE COOPERATE AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.
You have a nice mom. I am a nice person. I don’t ask a lot of you all and don’t often lose my temper and it is to the point that I HAVE LOST MINE. I will try again to be nice and patient tomorrow but for tonight??? EFF IT.
If I have a plan for our holidays please at least try to not have me out there alone being the only one trying to pull it off. AND STOP WITH THE BICKERING. You need to get along. ALL OF US DO. For me personally I can say that I am seriously trying my best here but mom is floundering. I KNOW dang well none of you can look me in the eye and tell me you are doing your part to the best of your ability. I never expect more then you can give and this is such an important time of year. For the first time in SIX YEARS I am looking forward to this holiday season and it is not getting off on the best foot. There are people all over the world seperated from loved ones or stricken with poverty who don’t get to celebrate the season like we do.
SO STOP IT, YO.
I MEAN IT.
BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO EFFING ENJOY THIS EFFING HOLIDAY AND HAVE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF EFFING FUN IF IT EFFING KILLS EACH AND EVERY EFFING ONE OF US DOING IT!!!!!!!!
*END RANT AND FELIZ NAVI-FREAKIN-DAD***
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I could have written this. There may have been some serious screaming this morning when I JUST COULD NOT TAKE IT AND THEIR DAMN MESSES ANYMORE.
Amen!
Good call on the People magazine, oreos, and Russel Stovers. I’m pretty sure there’s some rule that says chocolate and celebrity gossip make the world go round, or at least help soothe the nerves rattled by boys.
OMG I feel you on the video game thing. My husband had 4 days off and those 4 days included 12+ hours every f***ing day of him playing video games. Seriously?!?!?! He is lucky your letting him sleep in the couch. I felt your anger coming from your twitter and I could not WAIT for this post! HAHA
When I gasped in disbelief at your tweet earlier, all the gamer I live with could say was “Ask her what game it was… ” Yeah, I don’t WANNA know because I don’t want HIM to know. Oy.
My vote is run away from the house of wieners and retreat at my place. I have a spare room would absolutely love you to force the holidays on me. For real. Bring that cheer up in here. Fuck, I didn’t mean for that to rhyme.
One thing… will you stop and pick up some booze? That also makes me cheery. And warm.
A world-class rant! Let’s hope they’re all quaking in their shorts. And all I gotta say besides this is you deserve zillions more of those Russell Stovers Santas, ma’am…
Dang. Just dang.
I’ve slightly been there and where I’ve been pissed me off big time so I can only slightly imagine how this made you feel. No game in he world is worth missing out on time with your wife.
Pack up those Craisins and mags and Diet Coke and get a hotel room for the week. To start with. Oh man, he effed up.
If Mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Those possessing a Y chromosome tend to be a bit slow when it comes to that fact. I hope they all step up to the plate. ((hugs))
You’re really well composed for someone as pissed off as you are. Me? The “effings” would have not been so kind. I’m getting pretty close to writing a rant (my husband has been off work for an hour and a half and I have NO idea where the …eff… he his. *gaaaaaaaah!*) but it wouldn’t be quite this epic.
And the gaming thing… Okay – I am a gamer. I can relate to wanting to play forever. BUT that doesn’t save my husband from the wrath he faces if he’s up until 5 playing Arkham Asylum. I am a woman and I have needs. One of those needs is a warm body to cuddle with. Damn it.
Anyway. Tell em. You go get em. And tell them that the wrath of the entire bloggity-sphere (hehehe) will be upon them should they veer from the rules.
WOW! You are a whoot. Sounds like quite the animal house you got there. I hope they all comply with you soon!
The beatings will continue until morale improves!!!!!
And I thought I had already read the best post ever written. I remember it and it was by you. But this one? Hands down winner.
We are having an effing wonderful effing holiday too, whether they effing want to or not. Period. End of effing story.
Okay, next time my husband effs up with too freakin much tv I’m so coming to your house for oreos, chips, and People magazine. Talk about a cure for all that ails you. But I’m pretty sure you won’t be ailing for long. I don’t think the penisis (penii?) in your house could look you in the eye (wow, that totally didn’t come out the way I intended! lol) without feeling total remorse! Feel better!
House cleaners are cheaper than therapists or divorce. Plus, you’re helping the economy by creating a job (or jobs) for somebody else.
Now, take your pile of well-deserved carbs, snuggle up with your magazines, and enjoy having that big ol’ bed to yourself tonight while the Sr. Penis sleeps on the couch.
You earned it.
I think this may be my very favourite post ever. Just tonight my facebook status is about how my family sucks at cleaning. I once wrote a post where I shamed my children by showing photos of their dirty rooms and their totally disgusting bathrooms. Sadly for me it did not work.
I was there last week because everyone in my house assumes I will do the dishes on top of cooking all the food. Um, no.
BTW-the first thing I noticed in that picture was the Diet Coke. Don’t try hiding it under the O magazine-we know your weakness!
Fabulous rant. Pretty sure we have all been there in one variation or another! And what IS IT with the freaking video games? If we sat down and did something like that for 12 hours we would never live it down! Not to mention, it would never happen!!!
Also, go carbs and celeb mags!!!!
Love it! Live it!
I think you’re being wayyyy too nice! :)
The fact that your husband is on notice and not DEAD for the grocery store shenanigans proves that you’re a nice nice lady. In this house? That’d be grounds for homicide.
Damn. I feel guilty and I don’t even live with you.
Avitable’s right. You are WAY too nice (especially to the person with the penis who should know better than to stay up until 5:30am playing video games).
I hope you enjoyed the carbs. :) (banning potato chips and oreos? my word. That’s not good!)
You didn’t get nearly enough Oreos. This should be rectified immediately. I like the rest of the rant, though. Anytime a wife is ranting and it’s not my wife ranting about me, I’m totally ok with it.
More oreos, though. I feel this is important.
Smooches!
D
Just stumbled upon your blog.. and I already love you! Haha!
So…what game was it? I’ve got some free ti…I mean, I want to make sure that an angry letter is written to the makers of that game!!! Grrrr, arrrrggghh!!!
May I buy this post? Thank you!
Come over. I’ll see your box of oreos and raise you the Winter Oreos dipped in dark chocolate and drizzled with mint chocolate :-) with a case of Diet Dr Pepper
:-)
and maybe a bottle of wine, or 4.
K.
LOVE YOU
Please write my boys a letter. But cuss in mine. If they see #@**@!!!#@, they’re just going to want to play Q-Bert.
*GASP* He. Did. NOT. Oh… he totally deserves that pile of junk food and celebrity magazines. I understand your frustration. Lay the smack down, missy.
If I hadn’t seen pictures of your husband or children, I would have thought they were MINE.
Except that my husband stays up all night long EVERY night, and then nods off for the rest of the day. It’s INFURIATING!
You had me at the Double Stuff Oreos!!! Love those.
Amen!
yeowza, BAD HUBBY AND BOYS! as a gamer and being married I get the need to have balance. I generally work with the W to negotiate when I plan to play nonstop and skip sleep and chores. A friend of mine is bad like your hubby which keeps him in hot water all the time as well. hopefully those boys will fall in line, but until then enjoy those awesome food stuffs nomnomnom
Will your niece and friend come to my house too?
Also can you give this talk to my daughters? I am so freaking tired of the fighting I am ready to cut my ears off!!!
Oh mah God. Seriously? There are like 200 of us out here who could have written some variation of this. I hope you enjoy your marshmallow santas. Mmmm.
wow being married to you must be a soul crushing nightmare.
Oh, so nice to see a local around. You sound like QUITE the peach yourself.
By the way…I see from your IP and server info that you are using your work computer from large, local company known to have pretty strict policies regarding their employees. Do they know that you are using their server to be an asshat on the internet?
Just sayin…
I do ever so love the interwebs!
I believe I learned how to obtain that info from you WAAAAY back in the day actually. HEH.
Oh, yeah. I have definitely been *there* in my household of guys.
Sadly, I hate to be the one who breaks this to you, but as an Iowan surrounded somewhat by cornfields and living in said somewhat surrounded house with a bunch of boy types, that whole dead cereal thing happens here, too.
Also, switch out being in the basement playing games to sitting at the kitchen table busting out some Facebook game for hours and, yeah, well, you should hear me rant. Perhaps you have. Oh, I can work up a rant. Especially after experiencing a boy-induced bathroom nightmare.
You know what, didn’t Wonder Woman live on an island with just women? We should maybe look into that.
please call that local company, PLEASE!!
Loralee,
I didn’t mean any malice in my comment, so if you took offense to the comment I apologize. it was a poor joke and in poor taste and I hope that you’ll accept my apology.
Apology absolutely accepted. Totally. And please accept mine. I am having a REALLY bad day so I totally lost my temper.
Kudos for the apology and my sincere ones as well. I will sleep a lot better tonight.
Start over?
Once I saw that it upset you, I was mortified. I’ve always been a fan of your candid blogging, I didn’t mean to offend. Again, I apologize. Clean Slate.
Giving you kudos for coming back and apologizing and making your intent clear ;-) Good job and YAY for another who adores Loralee’s candid writings. I loves her!
Don’t be mortified. Your apology means the world. Seriously…few do it and it is something that is ALWAYS deeply appreciated by me.
It speaks well of you and I think very highly of the action. I wish I hadn’t been so snotty in retort. Again…there is just a lot going on with me behind the scenes and I am not as well tempered as I usually am.
Please do not worry about it. xo
Well, crud. This means I’ve got to recall my harpies o’ torment from tracking Jose down. It’s so difficult being me sometimes, what with all the good will going on here.
Don’t be mortified. Your apology means the world. Seriously…few do it and it is something that is ALWAYS deeply appreciated by me.
It speaks well of you and I think very highly of the action. I wish I hadn’t been so snotty in retort. Again…there is just a lot going on with me behind the scenes and I am not as well tempered as I usually am.
Please do not worry about it. xo
*hides the wii* (both of them)
LOL. Just don’t start gaming when we’re having our underthetableconference at BlogHer. Heh
A-freakin’-men sister. You know where I am, come over and we can eat our weight in goodies anytime you want. Oh, and those marshmallow santas? they will never taste the same after we make some of our own chocolate dipped mallows.
gotta go stop yet another fight.
xoxo
Oh oh. I am glad that I am not in the doghouse. Sounds like the boys need to straighten up soon. All 3 of them….the little one is not a boy yet so you dont have to worry about that. He is an innocent.
Good luck Loralee!
We all love you!!!
I am going to get all ranty of people here if they don’t do what needs to be done…but that hopefully won’t come and they will just read my mind. Kids and husbands still do that right?
You must live in a house with boys/men. I always wondered why my mom was so nuts. Now, I love her more than EVER. If I had to put up with more than one Teague…………………
You left some things out of that pile, like bottles of wine/tequilla/whatever to add to that diet coke.
I just thanked my husband for not being a gamer. I don’t think he has the stamina for it anyway – loves the sleep too much. However, he does leave dead cereal in a bowl in the sink even when the dishwasher is empty. I guess I should start teaching my 5 year old boy to start cleaning up his breakfast crap now, while there is still hope.
wowza, sounds as if they deserve every little bit of that rant and maybe even some more….especially #4. If he had a basement to disappear to whilst playing WOW I know my dh would in a heartbeat, instead he just turns off his hearing if me or the kids are still up and then stays up til the wee hours. hang in there, hopefully they will step up now!
Okay, scared now. My DH is awesome, but I have 5 little boys, several whom are turning into big boys as we speak. So, I have the bathroom issues (EWW! – when do they learn to aim for the bowl?)and the cereal thing totally happening (my 11 y/o eats about a 1/2 a box at a sitting – is that normal?). Happily I am a mean, scary mommy who has banned all forms of gaming from the house cuz I figure they have enough screens to stare at betweent he computer and the TV, ya know? So you have given me a glimpse at my future,and I am frightened….
PS – also have a 6 month old son, and he is indeed exempt – they are indeed lovely and yummy and sweet, aren’t they?
OMG, when you get your crew straightened out over there, can you come here and deliver the same lecture? Except my girls are also part of the problem and they add quite the element of drama to the whole ugly mix. (And bring Aaron, because I don’t have one of those anymore.)
I don’t know what to say!! Did you go and shout all of this at them? I would love to be a fly on the wall and see them lined up on the couch catching that stream of well executed vocabulary!
:)
#4?? DEATH.
A jury with 7 female members would acquit you.
Oh, Mama. I am Queen of Boyworld myself, and I fear that you have just prophesied my future. *sigh*
I think I love you. That is all.
gawh. me too. except i have three daughters. who are not yet teenagers. god save me. AND them!
also, could you send your niece this direction?
Damn men, what can you do with them.