I am a night owl.
Though I love it, it often it isn’t by choice.
Persistent back pain and insomnia often have me up way into the wee smalls of the morning.
When Matthew was alive he ALWAYS woke me up for a feeding around this time. When I feed my little Aaron, he pretty much is in a coma by the end of the bottle. He is the easiest baby on the planet.
My Little Bug was very different.
He was a very fussy and difficult baby in a lot of ways, though I loved him more then anything in the world. It would take me a long time to feed him and get him back to sleep.
You know the moment when the night turns from black to midnight blue?
I have always hated that time of the day.
It often feels so gloomy and sad that it is almost physically oppressive to me.
When Bug was alive it never bothered me. We were almost always awake nursing when it happened. I had a pal, a friend, someone to love on and snuggle and sing to and rock. I loved having his wee little presence keep my heart company in that melancholy atmosphere.
For months and months after he died, I would often wake up automatically at his feeding times-just as that cold, hard, sad light seeped into my bedroom. It would hurt my heart so much I’d wrap my arms around myself and shake and quietly sob until I was exhausted.
Slowly, over time, the nights have gotten easier. For the last several years I’ve had a lot of nocturnal preoccupation of one kind or the other, mainly thanks to ye olde Internet and that crack whore called “Twitter”.
I have had a lot of healing going on the last 5 years.
I have the most adorable little baby snoring in the next room. He is one of the very best blessing of my life and he has healed my heart more then I can describe, and yet right now?
I want my Matthew.
I want my friend.
I’d almost forgotten how lonely four o’clock in the morning can be.
Almost.
Matthew has been gone a long time.
And still…nights like tonight find me.
Alone and heart broken.
I think they probably always will.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
Oh hon. I found my mum huddled in the exact same way in our living room many times over the years for the exact same reason. I’m giving you what I always gave her, a big cuddle xxx
…. my eyes keep falling, don’t remind me I haven’t slept either!apparently it costs extra to send “love” through the internet so I’ll send you a hug! :) and who are you calling a crack whore? I prefer to call twitter a mistress! good night! I mean good morning!
I know that exact moment you mean, but I can’t begin to fathom the pain. No parent ever should. :(
xoxo
I won’t fully comprehend a mother’s love until I have my own but I do know what it is like to lose someone who means the world to you and relive those moments you had with them over and over. Even everyday things that would otherwise seem insignificant become catalysts for uncontrollable sorrow- like midnight blue skies. It is heart wrenching. I am sure I only feel a very small portion of what you are going through, but I am sorry for that pain anyway. Words really fail in this situation…
Hugs and thoughts across the miles I can’t imagine how scary it would be to wake up at that regular feeding time only to remember that Matthew was gone. He sent you Aaron to ease the pain.
Oh sugarpea.
That is ouch.
If I could have a real superpower it would be to heal hearts like yours. Because they don’t deserve and really shouldn’t ever hurt this much.
xo
Of course you miss him – you always will. Lots of internet hugs going out to you.
Sending you a big hug from across the country.
I wish you could have him back, too. I hope you find rest in those moments.
Hugs,
Steph
The good thing is … it’s well past 4 in the morning, now. *HUGS*
Sending you a big hammy-armed hug. I’m so sorry. I wish he were here. My heart is heavy.
Big hugs hon.
I can’t wait to see you tomorrow and meet your sweet baby!
Hey lady, I’m with everyone here, giving you a huge internet group hug. I know the pain won’t ever go away, but I hope it gets easier to deal with. Love you!
Oh, sweetie. He will always be a part of you. Love you and sending hugs.
Xoxoxo my friend.
Words fail me. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. . . Sending you many massive hugs.
Hugs from KC. Think of you often.
Well, I still miss my Dominic. It’s going on 8 years and 2 months now. Not sure if it would feel this intense if we hadn’t lost Bridget six years and a day later. We’re close to 2 years and 2 months since she died. I still wake up and can’t get back to sleep at night sometimes. Sometimes I prefer it that way, because I also still have nightmares. And sometimes I don’t know if when I’m awake if it’s just a dream because it all STILL seems too unreal to have had it all happen and then happen again and so IDENTICALLY. I hope someday you get your Matthew back. I hope to get my Dominic and Bridget back, too.
Dear god.
I am so sorry.
You lost two??????
There are no, NO words for my sorrow for you.
xo
I can’t imagine. Love to Loralee and love to ~plaid. I’m SO sorry!
much love to you Loralee and to you plaid.
I know it isnt nearly enough but lots of
(((Hugs))))
xo
There are no words, only prayers for healing and strength.
I so get this. Despite how great my life is, there is an emptiness and there always will be. I understand fully. I love you my dearest.
Big warm hugs.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Loralee, Loralee. Loralee said: Ouch. http://bit.ly/MMlbG [...]
Oh my love.
Sending bucketfuls of love and squishy hugs. <3
I know that moment exactly. I am also often up in the wee hours. And I always try to remember when my 4-year old wakes me up (many times a night STILL) that I am so lucky to have her. Many (((HUGS))) to you.
((hugs))
this is so sad and i just feel for you. my heart goes out to you and all you other mom’s out there who have went through something no parent should ever go through.
Hugs. Tears. Found your blog through @prairiemama
Next month marks 5 years since we lost our first daughter. The pain never goes away, does it? We are thankful for the blessing of our second daughter but I always wonder what it would be like if I had both of my girls with me. Would life be different?
When I wake up at 5:00, I’ll be thinking of you and your 4:00.
I lost my son before I was able to meet him and my heart aches for him. I am sure it always will. I am so happy Aaron has brought you so much joy. But I know you will always miss Matthew. My heart goes out to you. Hugs!
I don’t understand your pain heck most the time I can’t even comprehend it! I am so sorry Loralee!
*hugs* though I have no children (yet, maybe one day) I still feel and understand where you are coming from. Since my Nanna passed earlier this year my insomnia has come back with a kicker. That time between the dark deep stary night and the early blue morning is the time I wish I was able to sleep away that yucky feeling away.
My heart feels for you, *hugs* thinking of you
love Toni xx
My heart feels your pain, that is so sad. ((HUGS))
I feel your pain – not because I’ve been there, but because you write so well. I wish I could give you a hug right now Loralee!! Will an internet hug do? *hugs*
This brought tears to my eyes. Wishing I could give you a big hug in person, but since I can’t …. (((((((((HUGS!)))))))))))
Keeping you and all grieving parents in my prayers. XO
It’s amazing what affect your words have. I am so sorry for moments like those and every moment you spend without Matthew.
Thinking of you…