I THOUGHT today’s post would be full of fuzzy, heartwarming photos of my family decorating a Christmas tree and of our snug little home decked and boughed for the holidays.
Um, yeah.
Not.
The weekend didn’t really work out that way.
And I am upset. And sad. And angry. And hurt and I know that I am feeling fallout of eleventyhundred emotions that are personal and stressful but matter greatly anyway. A whole lot of the things going on in my house right now are not helping. You know that when I am pushed to the point that I actually rant online, Ms. Tunes is NOT in a good way.
*BEGIN RANT*
I have had it.
HAD IT.
I am sick and tired and stressed and hugely pissed off right now. Basically I am very close to the end of my proverbial rope.
SO.
EVERY PERSON WHO HAS BOY BITS IN THE LOONEY TUNES HOUSEHOLD*, (which is everyone BUT ME) LISTEN UP TO THE NEW RULES IN EFFECT FROM RIGHT THE FREAK NOW UNTIL SCHOOL RESUMES IN JANUARY. Actually, scratch that. THESE RULES ARE APPLICABLE UNTIL ONE OF US IS NO LONGER WALKING THE EARTH. Scratch THAT. THESE RULES ARE APPLICABLE EVEN IF I AM NOT WALKING THE EARTH. I WILL HAUNT YOUR ASSES AND MAKE SURE YOU DO THEM BECAUSE EFF ALL IF I AM STICKING YOUR POOR WIVES WITH THIS BEHAVIOR!
1. I do not CARE if it is a holiday. IF you are under the age of 18 and I catch you up at midnight your heiny is MINE. If you are under the age of 105 and you don’t come upstairs from the basement after gaming night after night (after much of the day as well) with your new video game until 5:30 in the morning your ass is mine, too. ONLY NOT IN A GOOD WAY. I am not cruel. I want you to enjoy yourself. I know you don’t do it often BUT I HAVE HAD IT after WAY over a solid week of this day and night.
2. You are good boys and you HAVE been helping out mom around the house since mom has been determined to have it spic and span as much as she and a weekly cleaning service** can have it, but IF I FIND ONE MORE KITCHEN FLOOR AND TABLE STREWN WITH USED BOWLS AND SPOONS AND MILK AND DEAD, SOGGY CEREAL CORPSES IN THE MORNING YOU WILL HAVE TO GO TO FREAKING IOWA TO GROW YOUR OWN DAMN CORN TO MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN CEREAL WITH THE DAMN AMISH SOUTHERN IOWA BAPTISTS OR WHATEVER BECAUSE DAMN ALL IF I WILL HAVE TEENAGE BOYS LEAVING A MESS LIKE THAT ALL OVER MY KITCHEN EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. I taught you how to clean. Maybe not as methodically and ridgedly as a lot of women BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU CAN AND KNOW HOW TO SO DO IT WHEN I TELL YOU TO. You taking advantage of my laidbackness is backfiring on you (and me) huge and I am done. I am not a neat freak in the least, in fact I am totally housekeeping challenged and cluttery by nature but I am also not one to practically dump cereal all over a table and floor and then pour milk all the freak over it, either.
3. I will save all issues involving bathrooms and nakedness for private conversations as I do not want to overly embarrass anyone online BUT YOU HAD BETTER FREAKING PAY ATTENTION WHEN I DO.
4. If you are married to me and say that you are going to the store and I supervise bathing, pajamas, night time, bottles, barf and diapers because you are having to schlep groceries and then WAIT FOR TWO FREAKING HOURS FOR YOU TO COME HOME AFTER TRYING TO GET YOU ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT’S 9 PM AND WE’RE ALL TOTALLY HUNGRY WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO FIX DINNER WITH AND I DISCOVER THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN GO TO THE STORE BUT WERE PLAYING THAT @#*$@&!(#&@*@!@!!!@*(#@ GAME DOWN IN THE BASEMENT?????? YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE DAMN COUCH. Oh, and also? When I go and get the keys and drive myself to the store? I WILL BUY MY WEIGHT IN CARBS AND INCLUDE EVERY SINGLE DAMN ITEM OF FOOD THAT IS BANNED BY YOU AND THAT YOU PUT BACK OUT OF OUR CART WHEN MY HEAD IS TURNED.
AND YES…THAT IS THE BIG box of Diet Coke. Be glad we don’t have a second fridge anymore or a garage or it would have been MULTIPLE BIG BOXES OF DIET COKE. And YES…It IS TWO, COUNT THEM TWO packages of Oreos AND two “POINTLESS CELEBRITY MAGAZINES” IN THAT PILE, MISTER. (What? It’s Ellen and Oprah, yo. And I loves me some People magazine.) And don’t touch my Russle Stover’s Marshmallow Santas, kids. Or your DS’s ARE MINE.
5. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THING BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING? Finally? That I could let all those million small things go (EVEN the CONSTANT CANCELING OF MY DVR’D SHOWS FOR SPORTS AND ANIME) if I can see you trying here? PLEASE COOPERATE AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.
You have a nice mom. I am a nice person. I don’t ask a lot of you all and don’t often lose my temper and it is to the point that I HAVE LOST MINE. I will try again to be nice and patient tomorrow but for tonight??? EFF IT.
If I have a plan for our holidays please at least try to not have me out there alone being the only one trying to pull it off. AND STOP WITH THE BICKERING. You need to get along. ALL OF US DO. For me personally I can say that I am seriously trying my best here but mom is floundering. I KNOW dang well none of you can look me in the eye and tell me you are doing your part to the best of your ability. I never expect more then you can give and this is such an important time of year. For the first time in SIX YEARS I am looking forward to this holiday season and it is not getting off on the best foot. There are people all over the world seperated from loved ones or stricken with poverty who don’t get to celebrate the season like we do.
SO STOP IT, YO.
I MEAN IT.
BECAUSE WE ARE ALL GOING TO EFFING ENJOY THIS EFFING HOLIDAY AND HAVE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF EFFING FUN IF IT EFFING KILLS EACH AND EVERY EFFING ONE OF US DOING IT!!!!!!!!
*END RANT AND FELIZ NAVI-FREAKIN-DAD***
Stumble it!
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