Today would have been my 14th wedding anniversary to my first husband, Gideon.
Many years I don’t even remember this day. Some of you probably didn’t even realize I was divorced, huh? That is because I rarely talk about it. It’s also a big part of the reason I am still married to Jonathan after going through so much.
I know how hard divorce can be and I have stayed and worked through many things that would break most couples because I really don’t want to go through it again.
Gideon was a good man. He was extremely good looking. People used to say that he looked like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. Everyone of my college roommates had a crush on him.
I didn’t. I was already firmly in love with someone else and had been for years.
My first meeting with my soon-to-be husband was in my dorm room. Two of my roommates were throwing themselves at him in such a lame manner. One piped up, “Face it, Gideon…we ALL think you’re beautiful.”
Gag. I mean seriously…gag.
I looked at him, raised my eyebrow and said, “Um…you seem like a nice guy but I don’t think you’re ‘beautiful’. Sorry.”
I think he found my rebuff attractive.
After my heart was decimated by the man I loved, we dated.
4 months later we were married.
I’m still in a bit of shock about that.
He thought I was beautiful when weighed WELL into the high 200 lb region. He thought I was beautiful when I had a gastric bypass and lost 150 lbs, too. My family was thrilled because he wasn’t the man I had obsessively loved for years and years. He treated me much more lovingly, tenderly and well then that man ever thought of.
THIS WAS THE MAN ALL THE BOOKS SAID TO MARRY.
So, I did.
Oops.
I was hoping he would fix me and my life.
I was a month shy of 21.
I would be a mother before I was 22.
Our relationship isn’t for public consumption. I am very guarded about it. We were too young, too different. I was too spoiled and if I am frank…still not over the man who broke my heart.
I left him. He never would have left me. He agrees now it was the best thing. (Just so you know? Leaving a marriage takes nerve, guts and a lot more courage then I can believe I had. Especially when you are young with no money and a little baby. I don’t know how I survived)
Our marriage lasted 2.5 years from beginning to end and produced an amazing son.
Whom I will NEVER regret.
Gideon is a fabulous father to our son.
When Jonathan was crazy enough to want to marry me I made it clear that Gideon was welcome at our house whenever he could come over to spend time with our barely 2-year-old James. We separated when he was 18 months old and I was determined that he would know and spend as much time with his dad as he could. I wanted that bond to be STRONG.
If he wanted to come read him a story every.single.night at the home I shared with Jonathan?
THAT WAS HOW IT WOULD BE.
I would not marry him otherwise.
Period.
And Jonathan was good to his word.
He is an amazing stepfather to James. He feels the same way about him as he does his biological children, though that was NEVER an expectation from me. My only request is that he never, EVER treat them differently. I know feelings cannot be dictated.
Gideon came over to tuck James in most nights and we usually invited him to dinner. Christmas Eves he slept over in James’ room with him so that he could wake up with him Christmas Morning. When we had Christopher he would sometimes watch both boys while Jonathan and I went to the store and very occasionally, on a date.
This kept up for a long time until Gideon got into another relationship and didn’t need SO much time with his son to heal the heart I had stomped on.
I am a firm believer that kids should come first. Ugliness with the parents shouldn’t touch or affect the relationship of the kids (And do NOT think that I have not been tested in that area-even with a good man and good divorce. I have been hugely tested. AND I PASSED)
My son has had as much access to his father as his father wants. He still does. We are both flexible and willing to work out solutions together. We have both sacrificed to stay in the same area for James. I wouldn’t move James away from his dad and Gideon wouldn’t leave him. And we have both thought about it. If one of us had NO other option, I think that the other would most likely relocate if possible. If that wasn’t? I would do everything possible to have the contact as often as possible.
We’ve been doing this for 11 years and we’re nearing the beginning of the end of the experience as James is 13.
My sacrifice and struggle was worth it.
Gideon is James’ favorite parent. (Even though I am very glad of that, don’t think that doesn’t sting)
He is remarried and very happy as far as I can tell. She is a good stepmother and much better for Gideon then I was. She is a much more together and organized person for sure. They have no children and my heart hurts for that. He is meant to be a dad.
I am happy he has James.
We used to be better friends but I got the feeling his wife didn’t really dig that (her divorced parents hated each other). I would never ever want any of my behavior to damage or strain their happiness so now we rarely talk and it is only regarding our son.
He has him once a week, every other weekend and a big chunk of time in the summer. We alternate Thanksgivings and I have him every single Christmas Eve Night (he goes w/his dad in the day) and Christmas Day. They take him every New Year’s Eve and that is when they open their presents. He goes for Father’s Day and Gideon’s birthday. I get him on Mother’s Day. He chooses on Halloween and the 4th of July.
Divorce?
SUCKS.*
Tearing apart a life and rebuilding another, even though it is best, is overwhelming. It’s painful and the fallout lasts a life time. And I had THE BEST DIVORCE I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. I was absolutely SURE, I had no doubts, I knew I was doing the right thing and it still blew massively.
Even when it is very right to do it is very, very difficult.
I don’t know why I’m even writing this except that I remembered that 14 years ago on this day, I was dressed in a silk dress and veil.
Today is so very different.
*I am not talking about marriages with abuse, or horrible mistreatment. I am getting so much email that is breaking my heart and I do not want to make anyone feel like they are wrong for rejoicing at the end of something that is just inhumane treatment. I would never think that. I do not believe all marriages should be saved and I am not against divorce. I do not regret mine nor wish we were still together. Just clarifying.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
Wow. I had no idea.
YUP. Some of the posts you write still sting all these years later. I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for you babe. xo
Such a lovely post. Wow, what an amazing thing you did for your son. Having full access to his dad is so unbelievable. You did an amazing thing. Your son and ex-husband are very lucky to have you. :)
Suzi
pinkvanillacupcakes.com
It hasn’t been easy for sure but now that we are on the tail end of it (James is 13) I know we have done a very good job and know James will absolutely be better for it.
I have a couple of very good friends going through this right now, after brief marriages and having a child. I don’t think it’s ever easy, is it? Sounds like you were able to be civil about it – very nicely done. I’m sure your son will look back and appreciate your efforts. :)
It’s hard because I didn’t want to be someone who is divorced or have a child of divorce. It’s why I left when he was so young. I thought it would be less trauma and I knew it wasn’t going to work.
Sighs for what was, and isn’t now; what is for you and isn’t for us.
It’s ok as far as the relationship. I don’t regret it. I just know my boy still wishes it were different as much as he loves the step parents.
You did what you could and it’s more than many others have. Your son will benefit from this. It sucks that things couldn’t stay that way but I admire your effort.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Loralee, Loralee. Loralee said: Today would have been my 14th anniversary. Yes. I am divorced.My first time writing about any of it in all these years. http://bit.ly/3RXFB3 [...]
Kudos to you for doing the best thing you could in a crappy situation.
It was crappier for him. I really hurt him. The guilt about killed me. :S
You’re right – divorce sucks. Good divorce or bad, it’s a huge struggle. Thank you for sharing, not just this story but all your stories and your life. You can’t imagine how many smiles or tears or how much laughter you’ve given me. Thank you!
Awe, thank you babe. That is a lovely thing to say.
I didn’t have kids with my ex. That is a blessing though. Glad your relationship with Gideon is good. Sounds healthy. Happy not anniversary!
Kids absolutely change things.
oh wow. i’m glad you did what you had to do but i’m sure even when it’s amicable that it’s still hard.
It really is. I had so much guilt for hurting him and taking James away. It was hard. (And it kinda should be, if you get my meaning)
That is the exact attitude I have about kids in a separated situation (although I was never married to Gabe’s dad).
Although, I don’t like him as a person.
He’s still gabe’s dad, and Gabey comes first.
GOOD for you. It can be hard to do. I have had an easier time then most because he is a decent guy. Though there have been a couple of times that well…yeah.
It’s a struggle. xo
I knew that you had been married before but for some reason didn’t connect that he was James’ father. You and Jonathan and the boys look like such a close family that it never even occurred to me.
Yes, divorce sucks, but when you put the kids first it can at least turn out ok when all is said and done. It takes lots of effort, especially when the kids are young, but it’s worth it for the kids’ sake. (I’m a second wife and step-mother, myself, so I have some personal experience with which I speak.) So, good for you and Gideon AND JONATHAN for making James the priority, not any other petty crap.
Jonathan absolutely treats him the same and he feels the same about him. It’s a rare guy that can do that and I have been grateful to have a step mother to him who is very good to my son as well.
My parents had this kind of divorce. Emotionally, they were all fucked up, but they were also firm believers in the “keep it away from the kid” approach and I can only remember even being aware of their “issues” once or twice over the course of my entire childhood. It takes guts and love and a whole lotta dedication to handle it the way you did — kudos to you both!! And Jonathan too, for that matter. That’s a pretty special kind of stepdad to have. Lucky kid.
I’m glad your parents could do that for you. He would rather have an intact family and siblings, but what can ya do?
It’s hard with the splitting of “things”. Christopher doesn’t realize yet that having 2 Christmases and Birthday’s doesn’t make up for having an intact home.
I found your blog via the newspaper the other day. I love finding local blogs I can actually relate to!
My first wedding day was 15 years ago here in a couple of weeks (I had to actually count…). Very similar stories: young, 3 month engagement, not over the man I truly loved. Mine lasted 3 years and the fact I wouldn’t have a kid while in that situation was a breaking point for us. Now, married 10 years to a great guy and a son, I can see a lot more clearly than I did when I left, but the one thing that stands out is that it was the right thing to do. Sucky, yes, but right.
Lovely, lovely post.
I’m so grateful you piped up! (Not all the feedback from that article has been good so I am grateful. :) )
Wow, that sounds so similar to me. There are MANY of us particularly in this state that have that story. I am glad that you didn’t have a child go through that-much as I adore and love James.
I am also really glad you are happy.
Drop me a line anytime.
xo
I greatly respect you for putting your feelings second to your son’s needs, and along with that goes the esteem I hold for both your former spouse and current husband for their parts in your boy’s life.
I only wish my ex would give me that sort of access to my three sons. After the divorce several years ago she moved away and made it clear to me that it wasn’t her responsibility to help out in facilitating my relationship with the boys (who are 10, 7 & 5). Still, I work hard, maintaining daily interaction with them when their mother allows. There’s a lot of parental alienation issues that have to be contended with and it the boys who ultimately lose out. I hope one day she sees it as you do.
Thank you for sharing such an honest and relatable post and for showing us examples of dads being their for children despite the circumstance.
Clark,
That makes me hurt for you and your boys and as for your ex wife, frankly…it is an attitude I do not understand.
I know I am not everyone and god, there are people I love and adore AND RESPECT who make different decisions then I have but I just couldn’t move my kids away from their dad. And he wouldn’t move away from him. If one of us moved, I honestly think we’d try to all move together, weird as that sounds. If it didn’t work out, I would do everything I could to make sure the contact was OFTEN. If moving HAS to happen (and I understand that sometimes it just does.), I think that she should go the extra mile to have you have contact with your boys.
I really don’t think I would move unless there was no other option.
And we have both thought about it many many times and have always come back to the same conclusion.
I know that there are always too sides to something but unless one of the parents is unfit/abusive/ect, there is just…no excuse. (Not that I am not sympathetic to situations but I have sacrificed huge as has Gideon to put our boy first, too).
I hope you get more contact with your boys. In the meantime, please keep doing everything you can to have as much contact as possible. They will know and it will matter. xoxoxox
I think what you did for James (and for his dad), letting him have full access to his dad and visa versa is a truly amazing thing. When my parents got divorced they both let their feelings get in the way of what was best for us kids. I wish they had done something more like what you are doing, it would have helped us not feel so stuck in the middle.
Kudos to you.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. From the email I am getting (and man, some of it is breaking my heart) I get that this is not usually the case with divorce.
I give huge amounts of credit to Gideon. He was the injured party in this case as I left him and he has left any bitterness/anger/hurt, etc. at the door as far as James goes.
We have our issues but they are very mild all things considered.
I am so sorry that your childhood was one of being in the middle and pulled from different directions.
xo
Wow lady. I was very much like you with my older daughter’s father – except he was NOTHING like Gideon. When we broke up, I gave him EVERY opportunity to spend time with his daughter and told him that he could always see her any time he wanted – and he NEVER asked for her – except one time his insane mother convinced him to get an UNNECESSARY DNA test done (which came back positive THANKYOUVERYMUCH). He now just blocked our phone number because I was calling him ONCE A MONTH to see if he had the money he said he’d pay for child support A YEAR AGO. (Hi! I have issues and I’m making your post all about me. Whoops.)
Wow. I’m glad it was a GOOD (as good can be) divorce and that your son still has his father in his life. I’m sorry for any hurt that this is still causing you.
ps. you rock.
UGH. I am so sorry. Unfortunately I am hearing that over and over…mom’s who want their ex’s to have time with them and they just have no interest.
It’s sad.
As for the other, he pays every month on time. Every time James asks me for details regarding amount, that is what I tell him (and it is true) we’ll leave it at that. :) xo
Huh, I had no clue.
I am kinda crying reading this. Everyone makes choices in life and you end up eventually where you are supposed to be. This I know to be true. But your son is SOOOOO lucky. So very, very lucky. One day, he’ll know this. You’ve done a good job in putting him first.
Thank you. I am trying to reconcile that “Where you are supposed to be”.
My life is so different then I thought it would be. I’m doing the best I can, though.
Great post. My ex and I try to keep the kids first, but the relationship hurts still squeak through from time to time. Thanks for giving me hope for a healthier relationship in the future.
Oh, man I have no judgment, truly. We have not been perfect, but we really try hard.
And there was one period and one thing said that hurt everyone in my family so much I wasn’t sure I could keep it quiet. Tested every fiber in my being but I did it.
There are few things I am as proud of.
Thank you. I married at 19, and now with 2 boys & after more than 15 years, I’m now finding myself going through a divorce. It’s something so difficult I could have never prepared for it, and I find my family (mom & sister)seems so much angrier than myself over it. I don’t think they quite understand that no matter how much it hurts, or sucks, or seems unfair, that I will suck it all up and absolutely put my boys first. No matter what- as long as their father wants it, and as much time with the boys as he wants. It’s encouraging to see that it can be done. So thank you, today of all days I needed that knowledge, and it is encouraging to know I’m on the right track.
Families are not the ones IN the marriage. It took a long time for my family to understand why I left.
Hell, it took ME a long time to understand why I left. And after an incident a few years ago it was made clear to everyone why.
Still…I am applauding your decision to put the boys first…I TRULY hope that your ex feels the same way. I credit Gideon for the divorce staying civil.
If he had been a shitty jerk full of ugliness or neglectful it would have been SO much harder (though I know me well enough to know I STILL would have behaved exactly as I do know. Only with way more ulcers then I already have)
I like to think that if it were absolutely necessary for me to leave my husband, I would have the courage to do it. I admire you. It must have taken everything you had, especially considering your religious background (I think I remember reading that you were married to Gideon in the temple). Anyways, as a former Mormon who married at 21 also and went through a horrible time in her own marriage (don’t we all at some point?) I really respect you.
Thank you. I am so sorry for your troubles as well. Gideon and I were sealed in the Temple. We still are in fact. It was tough but I was certain and I needed to make that leap to try and make my life dream of being happy come true because I was utterly miserable.
If I thought it could have worked I would have stayed. He deserved better then what I was capable of giving him.
It is wonderful that you’ve had a good relationship with your ex. I went through a divorce eight years ago. My thought process follows yours. Unfortunately, the first serious girlfriend my ex had HATED my girls, me and my current husband. That made things hard. He is now married to a woman who understands the importance of a good relationship between all of us, and who actually invited my whole family to their home on Christmas Eve last year. It was the ex’s turn to have the kids, and she thought it was ridiculous that the kids weren’t with all of their parents on such a big holiday. I love that woman!
His wife isn’t really friendly with me and I know she has had her issues, but she is a good mother to James and as far as I can tell she makes James’ father happy and so I am very happy for them both.
I am VERY happy that you have a good person with your children’s father.
Beautiful post…I wish more people could take that stance on divorce and children. I’m lucky enough to have not been there myself (and also got married a little over 14 years ago…) but I’m watching some marriages fall apart around me and it isn’t pretty. I always feel bad for the kids, you and Gideon are examples of how to handle it when it falls apart. Good for you.
It was tough.
Most people were not on my side and it was damn painful.
I was lucky to have a good religious leader, and two best friends to see me through it.
Well, I’m 20 so obviously I have no experience with divorce and my parents are 29 years after marriage this year (yeah, I’m gonna try to convince them to take us, or at least me if not me and my brother, to Tenerife or Seychelles next years to celebrate their 30 anniversary). But I have an unlce who has been married three times already and it looks like there’s gonna be another divorce anytime soon, ’cause his wife is… anyway, he’s got 5 kids, a son Oskar from the first marriage, who is 4 or 5 years older than I am, a daughter Sandra, 22, and son Jakub, 16, from the second divorce and two sons, Igor, 7, and Zorian (yeah, we’re amazed too that anyone could give this kind of name to their son), 5. I’m talking about this because they live in an unusual harmony. The kids with each other and especially the two last wives – for example when Anita, the most recent one, is busy or have something to do or needs to stay longer at school (she’s a gym class teacher), she calls Zosia, the second wife, to get two youngest kids from school and preschool (’cause in Poland school starts when the kid is 7 years old). And she (Zosia) takes them home (her home, not Anita’s home), feeds them, entertains them – until Anita’s free. For Christmas Eve’s Supper (which is the most important part of Christmas in Poland, at least when it comes to family reunions and traditions), we all gather at my uncle’s house (because he’s really the only one who actually has the house… I mean my family lives in the appartment in block of flats, we’ve got 2 rooms so we couldn’t make it for everyone), my family (we’re four), my grandma, my unlce with his wife and their two children… and his previous wife Zosia and their two children. Sometimes Oskar, the kid from the first marriage, comes too.
I’m saying that because I feel it’s quite unusual for the divorced couples (as shows the example of the very first wife of my ucnle, who I never met, or at least I don’t remember that). :)
regards,
Amy.
Your comments are utterly fascinating. My aunt married a man whose parents immigrated from Poland.
They lived there for 2 years and LOVED that no one batted an eye when pronouncing or spelling “Slagowski”
:)
Congrats on being able to put your child first after you divorced. So many times the kids get lost in the madness and they suffer greatly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your ex to be happy and wondering what’s going on in their life. It doesn’t mean you’re still secretly in lurve with them – it just means that you were able to remain friends after the divorce is over.
..and now I am babbling. :D
I am a huge fan of babbling (which this isn’t)
And I agree…just because I am not hating on my ex doesn’t mean I harbor feelings. It’s just how I am.
I’m really glad you shared this.
From what I’ve seen it is pretty rare for a divorce to go that smoothly. Your son is so blessed to have you both get along and have worked it out as friends for him.
There are definitely times it could have NOT gone smoothly but we both chose to have it be that way. And I am SO glad.
I tell anyone who comes along that Jeff is family and that they need to learn to deal with it. We don’t have kids, but we do have a bunny that Jeff likes to visit frequently. I feel that Hugh does need a father figure. Heh.
OMG, I LOVE HUGH.
I want to make a badge that says “president of the Hugh fan club” or something.
And I love your stance.
Divorce does suck. My parents can’t be in the same room together and the divorced 22 years ago. It is difficult on everyone. I am so pleased to see that you and he can be friendly adults and do what’s best for your son. It will make a huge difference in his life. :-)
I know this was hard to write and I’m proud of you. Being the daughter of divorced parents who, 32 years later are barely civil to each other? This makes me happy. It’s nice to know there ARE people out there who can actually do it right. =)
I’m replying to you both because you both have parent that can’t stay civil and that is so very sad.
Sorry you both had to deal with that not only as children but as adults as well.
The fact that you married and divorced and had a baby at such a young age, and managed all of it so well, says a lot about both of you.
Just found you through twitter and glad I clicked on through.
So glad you clicked through as well!
seriously chick, you freaking amaze me all the time at your awesomeness.
Bowing.
Love you.
You are way too awesome to be bowing to me, chika! xoxoxoxo love you.
I am SO GLAD that you guys don’t let the break up affect your son ~ I know too many people who trash talk their partners in front of their kids and its just sad. I wish more people could be like you and your ex-husband.
They do. I haven’t been perfect in my divorce and neither has my ex but we both try so very hard.
Sounds like you all adjusted well. Congrats on that
I think we’ve done as well as anyone could. Thanks. :)
I have to give you and Gideon major kudos, for keeping it respectful for the sake of James. For not trying to keep a marriage together when it wasn’t meant to be. Eventually, that would have led to resentment and that’s not cool for kids to grow up witnessing.
I’ve been through a divorce, too. It was painful and it took a long time for me to heal from the hurt he inflicted. It made me a stronger person. Like you, I have experienced much tougher things this time around, but divorce is NOT an option-especially with kids. We work through our issues when they happen. It has made both of us better people.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Yup. I have no idea if we’ll succeed or not but I know that we will definitely try our guts out to keep our family intact. I am sorry to hear about your pain and am glad that you’ve healed.
I totally remember your wedding to The Wid! Seems like another lifetime ago. And yes, I think you and John and Gideon have done a great job group parenting keeping the focus on James.
Doesn’t it though? Man…SO long ago. And I LOVE that you and I have been friends for what..SIXTEEN YEARS!! MAN…we have seen a lot together, no?
Love you.
Hoping to visit you soon.
Wow you think you know a person… :-) Thank you for sharing. Divorce under any circumstances is hard.
This is the first post that I’ve read here…and I’m glad for it. Thank you.
I am in awe of your relationship with your son’s father. I wish I got along even 1/4 as well as you did, with my ex.
I didn’t know you had gastric bypass surgery…I did too.
I just wrote a post about what would’ve been my 18th anniversary.
Divorce is a very sad thing to have to go through. We have a few friends and neighbors that are going through a divorce and it’s hard to watch. My parents were divorced when I was twelve. I’m glad that they did. My life is a lot better then what it would have been if my parents stayed married. I don’t think anyone should every stay married for the kids, it’s a bad situation and it will rub off on the kids. I’m glad that you your divorce was a good one, but as you said it’s still hard, especially when a child is involved. You sound like you both handle it like champs!
It’s just another layer – just another bit of you to go into the puzzle that is, overall, you. And it provides me with just that much more reason to hold you ‘Dear’ in my heart. And I do, you know? You are one of my favorite people in the whole world. Thanks for filling in one of the blanks in the puzzle that is you.
How ironic. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I married 11 days after my 21st birthday. That was 8 1/2 years ago. Our marriage only lasted 4 years and we had no children (outside of a dog and a cat). It’s funny reading this because there are so many similarities. Our divorce was very amicable and we remained friends for several years after we divorced but once he became engaged I did not want to ever cause any problems and our friendship ended.
Divorce definitely sucks. No matter how “easy” it is. I’m so happy that you were able to start a new (and now very long term) marriage. It gives me hope that I will be able to do the same!
*hugs!*
I’m thoroughly impressed that you and your ex (and Jonathan) have gone through all of those sacrifices for James. What amazing parents and partners you are.
Thank you for this. There are a lot of friendly divorces out there that don’t get talked about, and I think that it’s a shame. All divorce sucks, so providing hope that there *are* times when it’s not acrimonious is just a true kindness.
I feel like I am always the outcast over here. BUT I disagree in so many ways about putting the kids first. I put my kids first for YEARS and it got me nowhere. As an adult child of divorced parents that stayed together while we were little for our sake, I promise you this, IT DIDN”T DO US ANY FAVORS. I stayed with my previous spouse for fifteen years for the sake of the kids. That was also the mistake of a lifetime. I am for people saying do what’s best for the kids, put the kids first….BUT if you had, if any of us did, DIVORCE would be far less common that it is. Spouses wouldn’t cheat. when we waltzed into somebody else’s arms, our children’s faces would pop in our minds and we would march our asses back home.
I know this isn’t the gist of the post. You do need to praised for putting James first. But by putting James first, you put Jonathan second. If people want to have happy, blissful, lasting relationships with their spouse. SPOUSE IS FIRST! PERIOD!
That is my VERY STRONG OPINION. I realize I stand alone much of the time in this belief but it works for me and my family. If Brandon doesn’t come before my kids, he is number sixteen in my life. HELLO? That’s weird. Brandon is first. My kids are second. It’s far better for my kids to have a happy stable home than to live close to their father. Call me selfish or a bad mother, but I call it good parenting and a happy marriage.
Loralee, I hope you know this isn’t an attack against you in anyway. You know I love your guts and can’t get enough of you, but this is one of the places you and I differ greatly.
Babe, I love you to bits and pieces and no, I don’t see this as an attack.
I get totally what you are saying here and I don’t think we’re utterly disagreeing here.
I don’t think kids should be the reason you stay together. That rarely makes anyone happy. For some it is the primary reason but there are enough other things to keep it together that it IS beneficial.
My situation is different. My divorce was different. My marriage is different. I really was just telling my story. I REALLY HAVE NO JUDGMENT for people who cannot live near the biological parent or live their lives differently. I know most people couldn’t have my situation.
BUT.
I DO have some universal opinions that I think should apply to every single divorced parent out there.
I will universally cry that you should ABSOLUTELY put your kids welfare FIRST by not bashing the other parent, playing games that involve them, making them too much of a go between, burdening them with horror stories of the intimate details of your marriage when they are young, sticking to custody arrangements, being supportive with your time, flexibility and finances and doing everything you can to make sure your divorce and your feelings against each other DO NOT impact your children. (Though I know everyone is human and man, we all make mistakes in the heat of things.)
That is what I mainly referred to by FIRST.
Though, I know my situation went further then most can do simply by not having an ass of an ex. I can work with him. He can work with me.
As for James. Yes, I put him first. Especially at first. He was so little. I knew that the time that was intense with Gideon would mellow as James got older but I wanted him to know his dad. Jonathan had most mornings off so we had plenty of alone time.
Gideon was an amazing dad who craved time with James and he is extremely decent and we got along well. As did he and Jon. He had no say in being born and I left his father to go find happiness for myself. I could not let the relationship with his dad suffer because of that decision and I knew (for myself) that anyone I was to marry had to be ok with his father being a huge presence in his life.
James adores his father and taking him away would have created his situation to be unstable and unhappy…even though he loves his stepdad.
If your kids are not stable and unhappier living by their dad then IMO that IS putting them first. You make sure they see him, I know this. You’ve come to this state when it’s horrible for you so they can see him. I think you ARE doing what is best by them.
I love you.
xo
I didn’t marry Ben’s father and I can’t say that he’s a good person like yours is. I want to, really, REALLY I do, but that would be a lie, and I don’t like to lie, even if it is on the Internet. But I have learned to co-parent and I respect anyone who does it the way that I do. It takes guts. It takes balls. It’s hard as hell and some days, so many days I hate it so much that I want to get onto the ground and tantrum like a baby.
I know you know how that is.
It’s nice to know someone who understands.
It’s nice to know you. I know you’re a friend of Heather’s, who is a friend of mine. I’m glad to know you. Truly.
I needed to read this today.
Thank you.
As so many have said, huge props for you for protecting your son from the ugly emotional stuff and supporting him in all those positive ways.
I do have to say that your observations that Gideon’s wife isn’t really friendly with you bothered me. I hope she understands how astute children are, and that your son will surely pick up on how she treats you/reacts to you. It will only be to her detriment. After all these years as a stepmom, one think would thing that she would have dealt with her “issues” enough to be on the friendly side of civil. Especially as you say she is a good stepmom to James, she is kidding herself if she thinks he doesn’t notice and that it doesn’t affect how he thinks and feels about her.
You are so right. Divorce sucks. And its effects last a lifetime. The divorce from my 1st husband left me feeling like I had been crushed under his boot. We also had a child together. I wish I could say my son was left with a divorce aftermath closer to yours than what was his reality. I wish. I never like to talk about my ex bcuz even to this day I struggle with any interaction I have with him. And my son is an adult now. Scary. Maybe someday I can stop avoiding the topic and write about it. Maybe.
it sounds like your first marriage and my first marriage might have been a lot alike. Except we didn’t have a baby.
I’m impressed with how you both handled it.