Four Months

Aaron is 4 months old.

I can hardly believe it. He is still alive at 4 months old. I am so grateful I could (and do) weep with thankfulness. Aaron has eyes on him almost every moment of the day and night. I stay up with him until around 3 to 6 in the morning (depending on the exhaustion level and schedules of us all) when my parents or Jon stay with him while I sleep until around 10am to noon-ish (again, depending on exhaustion and schedules). I know that it seems crazy. Unless you have had a baby die of SIDS. Then? It makes perfect sense.

These 4 months have been so joyous, but also so very stressful.

We all worry, worry, WORRY about and fuss over this wee bundle of sweetness.

Before he died, Matthew got sick. It started out with goopy eye discharge and grew into congestion that lasted the 1.5 weeks before he died. The medical examiner that did his autopsy (and no, I still cannot write that word without dread) said that his illness contributed to his death.

Last week, Aaron got the SAME symptoms at the exact SAME time as Matthew.

He got very sick.

I freaked out.

FREAKED OUT.

We are extra cautious and vigilant and I still have a constant knot of painful worry in my stomach, even though his symptoms are greatly improved.

Nothing can happen to this baby.

Please?

I know that everyone loves and adores their children but people, this little baby is WORSHIPED by everyone in our family. He has saved us all and makes us all so happy. I love, adore and cherish every single second I get with him. I could stare at him 24/7. I love his expressions.

He is seriously the sweetest, snuggliest, laid back, sweet tempered, awesome little love.

I love how round he is.

I would also like to point out to you a feature in this shot. See that thing next to the tooth he got in a week ago or so?

YUP. TOOTH NUMBER TWO! (Seriously, this growing has GOT to slow down a little before I start to cry. Again.)

The kid has THE hairiest eyebrows. I love them. It’s like someone went and stuck two fuzzy caterpillars on his face.

HIS EYEBROWS GET BEDHEAD, PEOPLE.

For reals.

SEE???????

Seriously, how cute can you get?

I am so thankful for him.

This month has been one of the hardest I have had since Matthew died. With Matthew’s anniversary on Wednesday, this month is always very hard. But SO many other hard things are happening and hitting me and my family. Yeah, I have a drama-filled life but honestly, this month blows my usual happenings all to hell. My husband knows the most of everything, certainly more than anyone else, and even he is not privy to everything.

I’m not in the best place.

Not at all.

But?

Aaron is my secret weapon. My big gun of defense. He is a like a shot of sunshine, joy and love, all in one.

He is just about the only thing keeping me together right now.

He is what makes being in this ugly hole so different.

He gives me the most important thing of all when you get in this kind of state: HOPE that things can and WILL get better.

I love him fiercely and forever.

I’m so grateful he’s still here.