Aaron is 4 months old.
I can hardly believe it. He is still alive at 4 months old. I am so grateful I could (and do) weep with thankfulness. Aaron has eyes on him almost every moment of the day and night. I stay up with him until around 3 to 6 in the morning (depending on the exhaustion level and schedules of us all) when my parents or Jon stay with him while I sleep until around 10am to noon-ish (again, depending on exhaustion and schedules). I know that it seems crazy. Unless you have had a baby die of SIDS. Then? It makes perfect sense.
These 4 months have been so joyous, but also so very stressful.
We all worry, worry, WORRY about and fuss over this wee bundle of sweetness.
Before he died, Matthew got sick. It started out with goopy eye discharge and grew into congestion that lasted the 1.5 weeks before he died. The medical examiner that did his autopsy (and no, I still cannot write that word without dread) said that his illness contributed to his death.
Last week, Aaron got the SAME symptoms at the exact SAME time as Matthew.
He got very sick.
I freaked out.
FREAKED OUT.
We are extra cautious and vigilant and I still have a constant knot of painful worry in my stomach, even though his symptoms are greatly improved.
Nothing can happen to this baby.
Please?
I know that everyone loves and adores their children but people, this little baby is WORSHIPED by everyone in our family. He has saved us all and makes us all so happy. I love, adore and cherish every single second I get with him. I could stare at him 24/7. I love his expressions.
He is seriously the sweetest, snuggliest, laid back, sweet tempered, awesome little love.
I love how round he is.
I would also like to point out to you a feature in this shot. See that thing next to the tooth he got in a week ago or so?
YUP. TOOTH NUMBER TWO! (Seriously, this growing has GOT to slow down a little before I start to cry. Again.)
The kid has THE hairiest eyebrows. I love them. It’s like someone went and stuck two fuzzy caterpillars on his face.
HIS EYEBROWS GET BEDHEAD, PEOPLE.
For reals.
SEE???????
Seriously, how cute can you get?
I am so thankful for him.
This month has been one of the hardest I have had since Matthew died. With Matthew’s anniversary on Wednesday, this month is always very hard. But SO many other hard things are happening and hitting me and my family. Yeah, I have a drama-filled life but honestly, this month blows my usual happenings all to hell. My husband knows the most of everything, certainly more than anyone else, and even he is not privy to everything.
I’m not in the best place.
Not at all.
But?
Aaron is my secret weapon. My big gun of defense. He is a like a shot of sunshine, joy and love, all in one.
He is just about the only thing keeping me together right now.
He is what makes being in this ugly hole so different.
He gives me the most important thing of all when you get in this kind of state: HOPE that things can and WILL get better.
I love him fiercely and forever.
I’m so grateful he’s still here.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
Love you sweetie.
That boy is so adorable, I wish I could snuggle his sweet face.
He is so stinking cute!!! Can totally understand staring all day long. And I cannot imagine the fear when he got the sniffles at that same time—my heart dropped just reading it. Precious baby boy.
i’d have been freakin’ out too, lor. you’re a good mom and i can completely understand why you’d want him watched. i’m just glad you’re able to let someone else keep an eye on him that way you won’t run yourself into the ground and get sick yourself.
that kid is darling! i so want to play with him. and snuggle with him. and smell his baby smell. yeah, i love babies. then i want to give them back. i love being the auntie who gets to spoil them.
i can’t believe he’s got 2 teefers!! i don’t know what type of pacifier you’re using, but if you find the brand MAM, they have orthodontic pacifiers that help with teething and won’t hurt his tooth development. they’re nubby and glow in the dark, so if you lose it, you can easily find it at night. i’m not kidding, they actually glow.
give him kissies from his auntie pink. he is so adorable.
Pink-
Just so you know, I totally posted this many photos for you. :)
xo
He really is amazingly gorgeous.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us, lady.
Hi Loralee!
First of all I don’t comment often because I am lazy. But! I LOVE the new design. Floorboards at the bottom? RADICAL.
Second of all, I hope for you! When I read your blog I always hope that things will be good for you, that Aaron will continue to bring you peace. I hope, hope, hope that Aaron will get better soon and will be one of those kids that never gets sick… wouldn’t that be great for your sanity!? :)
He’s gorgeous, you’re perfect, and I know that things will be okay one day soon.
It breaks my heart to read of your fears about SIDS but you are being a wonderful Mom through it all.
X
Supa
I’m sorry this month is so hard for you and I hope things get better soon. Aaron is a DOLL and I can feel how loved he is through your words and pictures. You are a fabulous mom. xo
What a sweetie pie he is. I am so happy that he has given you your life back. I know that your fears are real and I would be doing exactly the same thing, watching him all the time. It’s not fair that so much stress has to come to you. ((HUGS)) I will pray for him, pray that your burden will be lifted, that one day soon you will know that he is safe and will be in your life forever.
I would probably not have slept the entire month until I collapsed from exhaustion. It’s great that you have some help-I’d hate to see you try to do that all by yourself.
Geez, and you’re still blogging? You’re amazing, woman.
(hugs)
4-8 months are the BEST time for babies. LOOOOVE!
Thanks for sharing all of this — all of you. He is adorable in all that adorableness.
I totally understand the shifts and making sure someone is awake at all times. No explanation necessary.
My oldest had teeth at three months. TEETH. I think I was happy I was forced to stop breastfeeding when I had the DVT a few weeks earlier.
Hugs, prayers and good thoughts to all of you.
Aaron is absolutely, positively CUTE, ADORABLE, HANDSOME!!! And… wait for it….
He looks just like his daddy!!!! How cool is that?
Glad you have help through this time. He will be fine. God would not let you lose two precious boys…
All the best to you and your family, Loralee.
I knew how freaked out you were when Aaron got sick. Babies are usually sitting ducks for whatever is going around when they teethe. I’m so glad you have a team standing baby watch with you. Love the eyebrows.
He is a gorgeous little creature. I would have a hard time getting anything done, with the want to just stare at him
Aaron is adorable and the eyebrows – Oh! the eyebrows. What a hard week this must be, I’m so glad you have Aaron to help you through it.
keeeeesses to you
Thinking of you….does not sound easy and I am not even going to pretend I know what you are going through. Can just imagine how tough it must be. Hang in there….that little sunshine of yours will probably give you a few grey hairs in about a decade or so!!
lor – why thank you for the pictures. he is totally adorable. and if you lived anywhere near me, be assured that you would have me at your house so much you’d think i belonged there. he’s just so cute, i can’t get over it. i bet he’d enjoy a visit to auntie pink. i’d be willing to drive the two hours to the airport to pick him up.
I completely understand and would be the same way.
His expressions are adorable.
My heart goes out to you. Totally understandable feeling. What a beautiful boy!
So I don’t have any children yet but I have vowed that when I get pregnant I will immediately get a apnea monitor for the baby – it’s a machine that will sound an alarm if the baby stops breathing. I think it will be the only way I’ll be able to sleep. Have you heard of them? It might be worth it to check it out, especially since the baby is on watch 24/7.
Awwwwwww. <33 He’s so cute it actually hurts! I envy you. I think I would stare at him all the time too, and not only because of being worry, but just because he’s so absolutely sweet and lovely. Don’t worry, Loralee, he’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay. I strongly believe it!
(I wonder how very handsome he’ll be as the grown-up man. Promise you’ll put his photos here twenty years from now!)
regards,
Amy.
@Chelsie
We know all about the monitors. My husband, pediatrician and OBGYN at length over the months of my pregnancy about whether or not to use a monitor.
We all decided against it.
Here is the thing. Matthew didn’t die of anything genetic. And those monitors go off falsely ALL THE TIME. I had to use one with my son when he came home from the hospital after severe asthma/pneumonia. It was the most stressful 2 weeks with that alarm.
I am already a total stress case and have anxiety up the wazoo. And frankly, everyone else strongly felt that having a monitor go off falsely at a rate of 1 or 2ce a night (at the least) would make matters worse.
Yes, it stresses me out but really, there isn’t a “win” to this situation. :S
This comment is not for you, Loralee, so step aside now.
Little sweet-faced angel boy, why do you need 2 teeth already? You have months before you need teeth. Cut that out right now! Get it, “cut” that out? Oh, well, never mind.
You have to stay healthy, lil dude, or your Mama is going to freak out. Mama needs calm, happy feelings so she can sleep. More sleep for Mama = more fun for you!
I read this earlier and haven’t been able to get you out of my mind all day. I totally understand and in your situation, I would be doing the same thing. I’m so happy that your boy has come this far, and wish you every blessing. My son had a febrile seizure on labor day (all tests have shown nothing wrong so a “fever seizure” by default) when I didn’t even know he had a 100 degree fever. We kept him in our room for a week and now as soon as he coughs or sneezes at night I’m wide awake, adrenaline shooting through my body. I can’t know what you are going through, but I understand, and hope that you will find some peace some day.
@ame.i Dude, I love that someone is setting my kid straight! :)
@Halala Mama: Ugh. I am so sorry about that. My son Christopher had a fever seizure when he was 3 and I had NEVER been so scared (until bug died). Those things are terrifying. xoxoxo
He is so cute and so precious!
I’m sorry for your loss of Matthew.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
Oh sweet Loralee!! I’m SO happy that you have him! He is ADORABLE and I love his big blue eyes and little round face. Just perfect.
He is so sweet and gorgeous looking. I love the new design. LOVE.
I love you…that is all…just love.
beautiful post… beautiful baby. it is so clear the love and joy he brings you. what a precious little guy he is!
I get it. I’ve never lost a baby, thank everything holy, and I still just wanted a set of eyes on my babies all the time. I remember telling my ped. that I would get up and check on my daughter by 4:00am, if I hadn’t heard from her on the monitor. He thought I was nuts because she was 9 months old. But I loved her so much, and missed her so much during the night, and he certainly wasn’t going to come home and be my baby if something did happen to her.
I hope the rest of your life settles down. I think you deserve a break!
Alexis
He is so beautiful!
I know exactly where you are coming from with the staying up. I did this with my baby, who’s now five and I still stay up.
God Bless honey!
I will be praying for you.
Beautiful Loralee.
And the new look to your site is so light and lovely.
Jaz
hahaha and I am still totally laughing out loud at his GORGEOUS fuzzy wuzzy caterpillars!!
I read this and wanted to cry. I am so amazed by you and the love you have for your children. The fact that you go hours without taking an eye of your child…I don’t understand but I do. The fact that you have parents and a husband that also helps with this brought tears to my eyes! Actually I fear having another baby after reading yours and so many others stories…sleeping with be a new eye opener for me now.
He is growing and so big and he has an amazing family! What a blessed baby!
@Tauni-
Yup. He, of course, can’t be in our eye site every second (and there are days I have been able to put him in his bassinet to sleep every now and then but he is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more observed than we dreamed of being with our other kids. My parents rarely miss a weekday morning coming over. I don’t ask, they just come over because they are as anxious as we are and also they know that I need sleep.
Jon does a great job of picking up the slack on the weekends. I know I am going to have to FORCE myself to chill out about it, though. No one can keep a schedule like this up forever.
Thank you for sharing your life with us every day (or so). It is so awesome to be able to join you in your joy and take part in seeing your newest bundle grow and seeing the changes in him. I must just let you know, it was reading your site a few years ago the got me and my wife through a tough time last year and then when our son (born the same time as yours) was diagnosed with botulism and almost passed away. It was very stressful but I knew from reading your site, life would go on and He had control of the situation. I am very pleased to say, Austin has recovered and is doing great.
All of that to say, you are an amazing person and you are changing and touching lives every day, regardless of whether you know it or not. Thank you for being AWESOME ! !
he is a wonderful gift. beautiful, adorable, expressive and fantastic in every possible way. september is a very difficult month for me as well (for different reasons) but i can relate to the fear and anticipation and the “oh shit!” and for that, i’m sorry. so thankful you have aaron to snuggle and hold and love on to get through the difficult times of this month.
i thought of you last wednesday. i’m sorry you always have that day.
hahahaha Loralee that first picture of Aaron is hilarious! Is that his surprised face? LOL! I about fell out of my chair laughing. Also, love the bedheaded eyebrows.
Hey girl. Things have just GOT to get better, hm? It can’t go on like this forever. I hope you have time to yourself here n there for hot baths and stuff. ~strength to you~
THAT much adorability in one child really ought to be against the law. You must realize that Aaron’s cuteness mandates that about 40 children in the world are hideously ugly. All the cuteness that they would have had got concentrated inside Aaron instead. Just his EYEBROWS accounted for three whole other kids.
This is the universe’s way of trying to make up. Just because things can suck doesn’t mean they will suck forever.
Azarches:
Oh, my! I am so sorry for that horrible time. Having your children have a life threatening illness is one of the most stressful times ever. It’s hideous.
I am so glad he recovered and all is well. :)
he had the same symptoms?!!!? as if it wasn’t going to be tough enough to reach that milestone? oh, i just want to hug you. i would have been a wreck and a half.
i’m soooo happy he is four months old. and a charmer too!
you do whatever you need to do to feel safe, to feel the baby is safe. trusting your gut is rule number 1 as a momma, in my book.
my baby turns four months this week. no teeth yet, but i think he is going to knaw off his hands even without them.
Someday, my sweet Loralee, you will learn to say “I’m glad he’s here” and not “I’m glad he’s still here”. There’s a difference. I guess all you have to do now is learn to trust that he’s going to be just fine. And he will. He’ll grow to be tall, strong and handsome. And he’ll do that whether you watch him or not. Because kids just do that.
Oh L..I don’t know how you get through each day without freaking out!
The slightest sniffle for T and I am all over her!
He is adorable….he has a momma that loves him…..hang in there
OMG- first of all, he is beautiful! I am so sorry you are going through this and send prayers your way everyday! (((hugs)))
He is absolutely beautiful. I don’t think it’s crazy. Not in the least. I hope one day though, you are able to get more sleep.
being a mother means being worried all the time. i dont think ppl really appreciate what having a healthy child means. i’ve lost a child and i was widowed during my first pregnancy so i can relate to the hypervigilance and fears. what i’ve learned from my losses is that i cant control anything.i have absolutely no say. i only get to cherish the people i do have in my life and try to love and protect them as best i can.finding my faith has really helped.i know it sounds stupid but start talking positive.stop focusing on your fear and focus on hope as difficult as that may sound.blessings and prayers to you loralee, youre a courageous woman. God counts the tears of women. He’s with you through it all and holding you close.
You have all been lovely. From some comments and emails (all well said) I feel like I need to jump in here and make a statement.
I ABSOLUTELY plan on moving on, being positive and putting myself in the now instead of the past. I do not plan on wallowing in this fear forever.
But right now?
I CANNOT DO THAT.
I just can’t.
I just need to get through the anniversary of my kid’s death while trying to deal with my fear of having another baby here that is the.exact.same.age.
Memo: I DO CHERISH MY KID. Right now. This moment. For who he is.
I know I will pull myself out of it. I know I will, but I have got to be allowed this time to just…be.
I have learned that I cannot go one step faster than I know I am capable of. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be held to a standard to try and get out of this thing, or that people should handle me with kid gloves and just be ok with me sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
They shouldn’t. (I don’t really see this as feeling sorry for myself. I see it as being too vulnerable and accessible to fear which statistically I come out ahead of. People SHOULD have expectations of me to get back on track.
I have a plan, I do.
Trust me…my husband is the most logical person in the world and we’ve been going over things we know help me and things we THINK will help to get me back on track.
I have every confidence I can do so.
Just not now.
Let me get through this month and then I will try to look on the bright side of things. :)
(Seriously…you are all lovely and well meaning. The emails and comments mean more than I can possibly sae. I just felt like I needed to say something so that you all know where I am out.
It will get better. It will. I just need some time.
Hi Loralee. Just wanted to test the threaded comments I’m implementing. If you want to make any changes, just let me know.
Andrew
Advent Creative
Hi, Andrew! Hey…Is there any way to get them to go oldest to newest? It’s just a huge preference of mine.
Done. Anything else?
NOPE! You did a GREAT JOB! THANK YOU!
He’s so cute! I haven’t lost a child but even I feel like I need to stay awake to keep checking on her. It won’t always be like this. I hope!
he’s beautiful. & a blessed boy, too, since he has you & the rest of your family to cherish him so consciously.
I’ve been there on the crap anniversary repeat, where the exact same issue, or something just close enough, comes up & you think you will lose your mind from fear & panic & being stuck in a horrible awful loop. just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
I did find out that sometimes, and indeed perhaps most times, those terrible fears are NOT realized the 2nd time around. but it takes living thru it to know that. I’m wishing that for you.
my boy has those eyebrows too. ridiculous!! I’ve never seen such things. on my son they sit above the longest fullest eyelashes I’ve ever seen, which is a truly amazing combination :)
I am going to steal him next week….. except that would make me a horrible friend after reading this post. So I will let you have him back after I squeeze him for a long time!!!
He’s so so adorable. I haven;t lost a child so I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to live with the fear that it could happen and to have gone through those awful terrifying emotions.
Sorry for your loss and for the difficulties but it sounds like your little angle is helping you through your journey
Hugs,
Anita
I am so glad you have such a fabulous blessing in your life. I have seen how your eyes light up when you speak of your little guy.
I love his eyebrows. He is like a cute little old man. 2 teeth and bushy eyebrows. It is ADORABLE!
Oh he is so adorable. In the second picture he looks so much like you, maybe not coloring but face shape and/or expression surely.
Awh Aaron is so sweet!!!
And Loralee? I loves you :) big strong hugs to ya!
While this post is full of deep, meaningful stuff, I also had to chuckle a little bit. Here’s why: The way I found your blog in the first place was from a link on Blogher to the post you wrote about being disappointed to find out your baby wasn’t a girl. I so admired your honesty and knew that it would all work out for you. Well….
Aaron’s caterpillars are proof positive that it did! I don’t think they would have been quite as attractive on “Lily” (I remembered because that is a favorite girl name of mine, too! but don’t know if that’s how you spelled it). I tell you all this because my daughter definitely has a unibrow and since plucking the eyebrows of a five month old is not something I really want to start I have been bleaching them with hydrogen peroxide. Go ahead, you can tell me I’m shallow. I just had to share.
I am so happy for you. I am so happy for Aaron that he has a mother that loves him so incredibly fiercely. What a lucky kid.
I would be exact same way if I had lost a baby to SIDS. You’re so not crazy at all. After years of infertility, I tell people that my 2.5 year old could sleep through me changing his outfit entirely, because I spent so much time going in his room to check on him, and our little girl (same age as yours) sleeps in our bed so that I can keep a constant watch on her. I am always feel as if I’ve won the lottery with these two amazing children and that something will take it away.
Also, TEETH? At four months? These babies are growing up too fast. Mine started sitting up unassisted, wtf? I want to duct tape her to the floor.