I’ve been reading my journal from my high school and college years.
FYI: If you don’t want to be reminded of the total tool you used to be, never read your journal from your high school and college years.
As I read page after page, a paragraph I wrote during one of the worst times of my life jumped out at me:
“I feel more and more pessimism seeping in and ruling my life. I’m such a cynical, jaded asshole. I used to breathe optimism, dream and work for the fairy tale and live for the phrase “Never say never!”. What happened to that sweet, optimistic girl I used to be? This is too big for me. Too much for me here on my own. I am so tired. I know I’ll try to forgive everyone, try to forgive myself. I know I will try! I just think it may be futile. I may go on, but I don’t think I will ever get over it. I’ll never forget. I just don’t think it’s possible, no matter what I do. Closure is an impossible dream for people like me.”
Closure.
It’s always seemed like such a bullshit term.
I can forgive most things, but the things that cut me the deepest seem so deeply rooted that I don’t think I can move past them.
I’m not sure I can forgive or forget.
I’ve tried to find this mythical “closure” and peace for myself. I’ve read books, searched my soul, written eleventyhundred novels about my pain and frustration and talked and talked and TALKED to the people it involved, therapists, clergy, family, friends, and random strangers on buses and diners.
I have come a long way and forgiven more than I thought possible, but closure for the really big and painful things hasn’t happened despite desperately wanting it.
Given all this desperate emo I have going on about it, you can understand how shocked and surprised I was when I not only got some closure last week, but I got it not even knowing how much I really needed it.
An old college boyfriend called me.
For the sake of anonymity I need to give him a nickname for this post. While highly tempted to dub him with some truly wretched moniker like “Chauncey” or “Jim Bob” just to mock him, SINCE HE IS READING THIS post, I will be nice. (And so will you all, right? Right.)
We’ll call him “Flyboy”.
This is us.
(Sorry about the bar over his face-I’m serious about protecting his identity. He gave me permission to write this but I am not sure he realizes some of the consequences that can happen when you appear on a non-obscure blog. I just wish there was something I could do about protecting you all from my hair.)
Flyboy lived 3 doors down from my dorm room and we dated most of my freshman year, but I am not entirely sure how we met. In all honestly, I couldn’t tell you where we went on our first date, what our first kiss was like or precisely how and when we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
I CAN tell you that I really liked him and that we were inseparable a lot of the time. We could talk for hours. He was smart, funny and we loved debating and bantering back and forth. He was from the east coast and his stories about where he grew up and the culture he lived in was appealing to an ill-traveled girl born and bred in Utah.
He called me Peg.
I called him Al.
I took interest in political science because of him and I own a pendant that says, “I believe in peace, bitch” which I totally blame on his large collection of Tori Amos CD’s. He was also just damn FUN to be around a lot of the time. When the dude that played Greg Brady on The Brady Bunch came to campus and picked Flyboy out of the audience to come party on stage guess which dork he drug up on stage to disco with him?
Yup.
There I am.
Dorkalicious me.
He had the most fascinating eyes. They reminded me of a lion. One moment they would be different shades of amber and gold, the next green…I could never quite figure out what color they were, just that they were beautiful.
In so many ways he treated me better than any man ever has.
He bought me the very first gift I ever received from a boy-beautiful silver dangle earrings from a small boutique on South Street in Philadelphia that he purchased when my back was turned because I said how pretty they were. I loved them and kept them for years.
I wasn’t used to people doing things like that for me and it earned him a rather rabid devotion on my part. My past relationships pretty much consisted of me doing most, if not all or the work-but this guy WANTED to be with me. He liked spending time with me. He would go flying on the weekends and I would spread a blanket out on the quad with my lunch and a book and he’d wave his wings at me. He asked my opinion, took me places, showed me how to use the Internet took me to see The Mystery of Edwin Drood TWICE and also was fond of my very weird twin sister.
We also really liked to make out. We could do that (and…er…other things) for HOURS.
A lot of our relationship was grand.
But…
A lot of our relationship was bad.
Bad as in, it was a relationship that really damaged me and created baggage I carted around for years, bad.
In so many ways he treated me more poorly than any man ever has.
Like a lot of cocky 18-year-olds, he could be a big jerk a lot of the time. There was quite a bit of conflict between him and my roommates. Some of the stuff that happened between us made me feel about as useful as a 3-dollar-bill, pure as water from the East River and about a half-an-inch high.
But…
I was no angel.
I was highly needy, insecure and I put a huge portion much of my past, complicated relationship on him. I was trying to get out of him what I never received from the man in my life prior to him: approval. And that is never fair to anyone.
I have huge abandonment issues and was incapable of having a grownup, honest conversation about anything negative about our relationship. I was too scared he would leave me. Instead I would pick 2 AM to have teary, pleading one-sided fights conversations that pretty much consisted of me crying out, “PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!” (Relationship tip: MEN LOVE THIS)
The way we ended was horrible and involved a lot of hurt for ourselves and others. It left me feeling confused and really bad about myself for a long time.
But…
Eventually, little by little, it stopped being such a big deal to me. I got to the point where I didn’t really “need” resolution from him any longer. As each year passed I thought about that aspect of it less and less and more about the positive aspects of what we had. Because there was an awful lot to smile about.
In other words?
I grew up.
We did have some contact through the years and he friended me on Facebook this year, but it never led to any kind of conversation I would call productive and sometimes I wondered what an honest “Come to Jesus” conversation about that time period would yield.
I found out.
A few weeks ago I posted a Facebook status update inviting people to come into the chatroom of a radio show I was hosting and guess who came along?
YUP.
Flyboy.
He was funny, witty, smart, well versed on the topic being discussed and everyone liked him.
I LIKED HIM.
The more I heard from him the more I realized why I had liked him in the first place. Which in itself was a gift because for many years I just thought about the mistreatment and the good of the relationship got lost in it. Seeing a different side to it made me remember I wasn’t with him simply because I was desperate to be with someone and it felt good to remember WHY. That the positive I was left with was a genuine thing.
The next day he sent me a short email me to say “good show” and I happened to be online. We struck up a friendly email conversation. We wrote about our lives and our kids and eventually I relayed that my worst fear as a mother to boys is that they would mistreat and damage women.
He asked if it was a general statement or pointed towards him.
I gulped and then decided to tell the truth and tentatively typed out, “BOTH.”
Then he asked if it would be improper for him to call me so we could talk about some things.
My stomach started twisting. So far everything was going so well, but I have had conversations that started well enough end up in flaming death spirals of suckitude.
But…
I was curious, so I said it was fine to call.
(And for those who may wonder, I have a completely transparent relationship with my husband about things like this. I tell him everything. And I knew that Jonathan would have zero problem with it, which he doesn’t)
I expected to be nervous, but I wasn’t.
We talked for hours.
Hours were needed because I basically had to do a play-by-play of our entire relationship. For probably a million reasons I couldn’t begin to explain why, Flyboy has very little memory of our time together.
(I’m trying not to take that part personally and go into “I am totally forgettable mode”. Heh.)
Basically, he said all he remembers that I was a total sweetheart and quite a catch and that we were great together and parted as friends.
For once in my life, I was speechless.
Part of me was really tempted to just leave it at that because hello! How sweet is that?
But that would have been a lie.
The thundering silence on my end of the phone was pretty much a tip off that is did not go down that way. And because he knew it wasn’t the rose bed he was remembering he asked me to tell him everything I remembered about us.
EVERYTHING.
So, I did.
It was HARD.
EMBARRASSING.
MORTIFYING.
But…
It was also fun.
Sweet.
Hilarious.
And kind of like walking around in an old comfy pair of jeans you forgot you owned.
Also, it needs to be stated that as satisfying as being A BILLION TIMES BETTER LOOKING THAN YOU WERE AT 18 and having your ex realize that fact is? Having him tell you (in a totally non-creepy, non-come-on way) that you were very pretty to him when you weighed 220 lbs. is a million times better.
All the physical compliments in the world were nothing compared to how his apology made me feel, though. The way he completely manned up to EVERYTHING. The guy didn’t have one defensive word or tone in his body. He felt true remorse for any wrong doing.
I did not expect him to be so…truly sorry.
I guess you would have to be there, and honestly they are details I would like to keep to myself, but it just did not go down how I imagined it would over the years.
By the end, as more and more detail came out I felt like I was repeatedly kicking a remorseful puppy. I don’t like holding on to things or whipping people repeatedly for mistakes. Despite what some may think, I don’t relish the pain of other people, especially when I have anything to do with why it happened in the first place.
And really…there is no point in bringing it up anymore. We were both messed up kids that could have been MUCH better to each other. We’re all grown up and we wish each other well.
I have let the negative go.
I really have.
We brought the conversation to a great close, I feel like he’s a good, dear friend, a great guy and I am thrilled that he has a wife, kids he adores and kick ass job that I WISH I COULD TELL YOU ALL WHAT IT IS, it’s so impressive.
I wished him well, told him to keep in touch and when I set down my phone…it was done.
All the years of hurt and bad feelings and poor self-image it created about myself just lifted and disappeared as if Cinderella’s fairy godmother came and Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo’d them away.
So much peace of mind came with it.
It was one of the most freeing things I have ever experienced and It wasn’t something I worked for, forced, pushed.
It just happened.
And it was normal.
NORMAL.
I am capable of having normal closure about something huge and ugly and hurtful to me.
Maybe this happens more often than I think, though.
Has it happened to you? Because I’d REALLY love you to pipe up in the comments.
For me, it had an aspect to it I rarely experience. Granted, this is not “THE BIG ONE” as far as closure on the relationship that haunts you till you effing DIE goes, but it was still a very significant relationship to me and I didn’t think it was possible for me to get here, but I did.
So, knowing that I am capable of this kind of closure, who knows?
Maybe it will happen in the other areas of my life I had given up on.
Maybe one day I CAN give myself and those I dearly love what we need most.
Closure.
Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like such a bullshit term anymore.
Never say never…right?
This post really rocked my morning. I felt every emotion you had from past to present. I hope the White House reads this post.
I am actually thrilled for you! I am incapable of finding or accepting closure in my life. Probably why I am a psychiatrist’s dream. LOL. Good for you! Great post!
P.S. Email me privately and tell me what his job is! ;) (only half kidding)
I’m happy this played out for you like this. Truth be told, though, most people never get an apology or explanation, be it from an old boyfriend or the parent who didn’t love you. It’s possible to have that closure without the other person’s active participation. Who knew?
Congratulations to you, I know this is a big deal.
Witchypoo-
I had a whole HUMUNGO part all about that but this post was already long as fuck so I deleted it. I know that most people don’t get this chance. And? The closure I REALLY REALLY wish I could give to someone I REALLY REALLY care about hasn’t happened and I know that they are so regretful and sincere in their sorrow. It’s heartbreaking and it makes me feel like a total bastard.
Ugh.
I DID get quite a bit of closure about all this on my own and was at the point I didn’t even think I needed it anymore but honestly…I did and it’s way, WAY better when you get that with the other person. Rare as it is. It was just great to see him and know he’s a really great dude.
Michellew-Let me ask him if I can first. Seriously, I’d love to brag but ya know…this info isn’t exactly things I would love to have for fodder on his job.
Neil- This COMMENT made my morning. Talk about a compliment. Thanks for the laugh.
I love this!
But? The internet was invented when you were in college? God I’m old.
Great post Chicken Big- Amy W.
I’m so happy for you. Getting closure can be such a relief, even more so if you aren’t expecting it.
Bless you, and your gorgeous boys! :)
Wow. Loved this post. I could related on so many levels.
Really cool, Loralee. There are times in our lives that we remember one way, and when someone else remembers them differently it’s such a shock. I have had this happen and I just chock it up to my bad memory (or theirs). It’s cool when it happens, though, and I’m glad for you that it had such a
peaceful ending.
MUAH!
That is so wonderful that you were able to hash things out with *Flyboy*! I was in the chatroom that day….I’m racking my brain to remember who was there…..
My life with my EX-husband was a nightmare and I escaped from him and that life with what fit in my Ford Escort. My brain has blocked much of that time but I still have memories flash back from time to time….until last February.
I was sitting in the Las Vegas airport with my husband when I saw HIM sitting in front of a slot machine 10 feet away from me. And he was still a loser (from the looks of it) and all of those feelings disappeared. I didn’t need to talk to him…time was all I needed.
This post rocks. AND it made me think, which is cool right because thinking is awesome. It made me think about my last and first serious boyfriend, the “learning love” I’ve written about in the past. It made me want to have a conversation with him about all the whys I’ve wondered since he broke up with me. I don’t care for him the way I once did, but I can’t fathom why someone would make all those promises and seem so sincere and then turn around and say “ya no”.
But I don’t necessarily NEED that closure, because I’ve been fine for so long without it, but still it’d be nice.
this post was incredible. the freaky part about it is that i wrote a post last night about an ex that i’m seeking closure with… but mine will not be published.
*snort*
congrats to you mylady.
I think getting the chance to talk about past hurts is rare, but so theraputic! I wish we could all have that chance if we needed/ wanted it. It really can be healing. I’m glad you got that chance!
I did that in January. With the guy I dated before my husband. He was WONDERFUL, great with my daughter (who was 8 months old when we started dating and 2.5 when we broke up), and a truly genuine, generous guy. But, I left him to go to college.
He lives in a city in Alberta that I was visiting, and we walked around the downtown area for HOURS and talked through our entire relationship and it brought me (and hopefully him) a LOT of closure – just to know that he forgave me and that I really didn’t completely ruin his life – but that he was better because of me – which, after thinking for the last four years that I’d completely ruined his life, it’s good to hear that he’s in a good place.
I’m SO glad that you got closure on that part of your life, and it’s awesome that your (supportive!) husband was okay with you being in contact with an ex. I’m glad to see that you’re back to being that “sweet, optimistic girl”.
Closure? The thought of it makes me giddy. I have NO idea how I’ll ever get it though.
I suspect you and I have even MORE in common then we think.
Love you, lady. xoxo
Having to comment anon, sorry. It’s something I’m working through right now. It hasn’t been a transparent process and it’s the BIG ONE. I need for it to happen. At least I think I do.
One of the hardest things is being mostly forgettable, although I’ve reconciled myself to that one. One of the best things is realizing you have both become different people, grown-up up a hell of a lot, and are capable of treating people well.
We’re finally able to be happy for each other and how things have turned out. I’ve put the little voodoo doll and stick pins away.
I only have one ex boyfriend that totally destroyed me emotionally. Also, Flyboy is totally rocking those acid wash jeans! How could you let him get away!
Awesome post, facebook is a weird tool for things like this.
A few months ago I friended the guy who I dated for the better part of high school. He treated me like crap the whole time, as in he KNOCKED up another girl and slept with several others. We finally broke up when he decided to BE with his baby momma. Its been 14 years and I didn’t realize I still resented the HELL out of him, until we had a facebook chat a few weeks ago. He apologized, something I never thought I would hear, nor did I think I needed to. Closure is definitely a weird thing.
What a great post. I wish I could have some of that closure for past relationships but for me it isn’t going to happen. I have three that went horribly wrong where I can only find closure within myself. And I am okay with that. Because I have a great husband now. Yes, things still come up and I am still hurt some days when something jogs a memory but I won’t have what you had. And I know it wouldn’t go down the way it did for you – a conversation would end up making me angry and I would not get an apology. I know this because of the way things ended.
But, I am so happy for you and this post really meant something to me, I fantasize about closure on things and I can pretend a conversation that went the way yours did and that will be great for me.
Thanks,
Elizabeth
I think you just grew up. Things change as you get older (yea, really) mostly the way you handle things inside, sounds like you are mellowing out. Nice.
As hurtful as this relationship/breakup may have been for you, it’s nowhere near the biggest loss you’ve had. Do you think closure is possible on the really big things?
X
Supa
So glad that you were able to find closure, not just alone, but TOGETHER. An ex of mine that was incredibly important to me for a LONG time just got married and is expecting a baby. I sent him a message (on facebook, curse that site, sometimes I wish I could continue being ignorant to some things) and he straight out said thank you to me about it. It was almost liberating. So I hear you on this, 100%.
Supa-Fresh Widow,
No, it is nowhere near the biggest loss I have had.
There were two times in my life that were so painful and destroyed who I was to the point that there should be headstones marking the date it happened. It pretty much killed the person that I was and I never really came back from either of them.
Those are the things I don’t know if I can ever have closure on. I want to. I REALLY want to, but I know it’s something that will come when and if it is on its own time. I just don’t know if that time will ever come.
It’s just…some things are so big it’s hard to picture ever being able to get over them. I’m sure you know this better than most.
Facebook is an odd thing. I got a friend request from an ex a few weeks ago. Hubby wasn’t happy about that and now thinks I’m going to run off with him, even thought all we are is neighbors in Farmville.
I’m glad you have closure and no you’re not weird.
This post is totally lacking the tawdry little details*!
I know (via Twitter) that you are upset because the ex is hurt. But I have read this post back twice, and nothing in it seems malicious, or worse, untrue. Thus, I don’t think he should be that upset or in turn, you.
Closure is good. Maybe the reason he is so chapped is because his memories are returning? I dunno. But I do know, all people with any inch of compassion must realize they’ve hurt someone they care for at least once in their life. He is no exception.
Try not to stress over it too much. The ultimate goal was closure and for the most part you got it, so at the very least the guy should be happy you were honest with him. He must’ve suspected he did *something* otherwise he never would’ve asked to call you, right? He never would’ve thought your comment about your lovely sons could’ve been geared towards him, right?
Don’t beat yourself up. Closure is so important. Last week I saw my high school sweetheart at the gym (while I was with my husband! good grief!) and it made me sick to my stomach. :(
You RAWK! Yes you do….
this post has made my day in so many day!
*hugs* to you & your strength!
Toni
it’s better to make a friend than lose a memory. I know it is hard on my beautiful boy, but there was a reason I cared, and it was never sex.
We were friends before, and there was always a reason for that.there was also always a reason it ended.Case closed.
Casey,
I’m not hurt/chapped/upset or otherwise unhappy with this blog entry. I knew it was going to be here and told Loralee that I wanted her to feel free to write anything she felt as this is her blog and her mode of expressing her feelings with one caveat that she protect my identity (not because I’m embarrassed but notoriety is not good for my career).
I take full and total responsibility for not being the most gracious boyfriend to her when I was 19 but I didn’t contact Peg out of a need to purge my feelings, but more one of “hey, watcha been up to?”
Suffice it to say that there are a lot of details which have been purposefully left out of our story and it would be unfair to judge without all the details.
Thanks for the comment,
Al Bundy
Oh, and @lauren – those jeans kicked ass in the 90s! ;)
Casey,
I know you are having my back here but I need to clarify for you and everyone.
I did not mean to imply Flyboy was in ANY way upset with ME. He isn’t at all! He is upset WITH HIMSELF. He wasn’t irritated, angry, or even slightly upset at anything I’ve said or written.This is a really good man and he is not proud of how he treated me.
And honestly, I know this is difficult to imagine but he really doesn’t remember most of our relationship. Once I started talking and reminding him a lot came back but he honestly just remembered me as a sweet, pretty, lovely girlfriend and though the ending was sticky he had no idea how much he mistreated me and that I had carried it as much as I did over the years. It’s been 16 1/2 years. That is a LONG time. And I don’t doubt for a second he’s telling me the truth.
He was absolutely fine that I wrote this post. He wanted me to be true to my feelings and experience and did not want me to change one word of it.
Yup. I cried on Twitter tonight but it was in no way because of him making me feel bad. I hate seeing people in pain or hurting with regret. ESPECIALLY if I am a part of the equation. He’s so repentant and has been so kind to me that I just wish I could change that for him, is all. But I know he’s going to have to look at it all and make peace with it (and he will)
I hope I am not coming off as harsh, Casey. I am just panicking that people might get the wrong idea about him. I appreciate this comment more than you know and you are a sweetheart for defending me and for having my back, but in this case you don’t need to with him.
He has my back and wouldn’t hurt me again for the world.
Thanks for caring and watching out for me.
XOXOXO
Al-
I’m sorry I didn’t put more of the good stuff in. There was a lot more…I could have written many more things and explained more. I edited for length. I wish I hadn’t and just written a novel.
Thank you for contacting me. I know it’s been a bit rough but it’s done a lot of good for me and I know it will for you, too.
My husband is glad that I have less garbage to cart around with me and is happy and totally great with the fact that we’re friends.
You are a great pal. I’m glad you called.
PEG.
No apology needed….
Oh, this was really beautiful and got me thinking about all (three) of my ex boyfriends. One I’m still friends with; he brought our little girl a baby present, even! It was a terribly rocky road with him and there was so much damage from that relationship. We were NO good for each other (both of use have terrible anxiety and just made the other worse), but we have managed to forgive each other the hurts. One of the others I really don’t have contact with, but our relationship was really just a friendship with a few perks, anyway. The hardest is my first boyfriend, because I’m not sure I’ll ever have closure. We were so young, young teenagers, but he was my first true love and an amazing person. I still think about him often. Our relationship ended pretty hard and I was DEVASTATED for the better part of a year. He really hurt me how it ended. We were slowly getting back to being friends and he changed schools. We talked some, but not often and it was largely superficial. I longed to reconnect (not romantically) and felt like we probably would some day.
He was killed in a car accident my senior year of high school. Ugh, it hurt. Never of his parents were fond of me but they both embraced me at his visitation. I met his current girlfriend. I cried for her. I puked everything I ate for several days and sobbed so hard I couldn’t breath at his funeral. “Tears in Heaven” was the first song we ever danced to and when we all put stuff on his casket, I left my Eric Clapton cd.
He was so smart and so creative. I think about him so much, about what he’d be doing now. He’d be doing something “artsy” I’m sure and wonder if he’d be married and have children. I still really miss him sometimes. Thanks for letting me hash this out in your comments, Loralee.
Wow, that is so sad…he died? Talk about regret and not having closure. One of my best friends passed away waiting for a lung transplant and I couldn’t get to his funeral because I was performing in DC at the Kennedy Center. He died the day I got there. (Ironically it was during that trip that Flyboy and I ended our relationship. However, I was grateful to be around someone I loved during that time and that I wasn’t on my own with a bunch of strangers.)
It was heartbreaking losing my friend. If I had lost my first love to death I would have LOST IT. I am so sorry.
Flyboy:
I really should have. Like JELLO wrestling behing the dorm? Or the great Newspaper incident? Or being poor and pooling our money to buy The Count of Monte Cristo so we could read it together??
Speaking of…I am totally going to re-read that. Jonathan has never read it and I am going to make him. You should, too. We could have book club discussions that kick Oprah’s ass since Jon, much as he loves to raed, isn’t one to talk and discuss books.
You on?
P.S. NO READING AHEAD! At least this time you can’t sneak into my dorm room and steal the book! Heh.
What a beautiful and powerful post, Loralee. You’re so lucky to have had this happy ending. So many of us carry these damaged relationships around for life. I’m happy you got something positive out of a painful life experience :)
I have just a couple comments regarding your post and the conversations in the comments..
First, I am so glad that you’ve found closure this way! It’s great to go through that.
Second, usually in these types of situations it really seems like it couldn’t have been so bad (or at least couldn’t have caused so much emotional baggage) if there hadn’t been a good amount of good there too.
Anyway – I went through a similar experience. My first real relationship was pretty screwy in pretty much all regards. There were a lot of emotional wounds that even after talking with my ex are still present. I’m not even sure where or how to begin describing any of what happened, especially not in a comment section, so I will just say that I can relate.
Nice to hear a happy FB/blast from the past story. I think my closure with the ex with whom the relationship changed the path of my life will have to be on my own, so I appreciate the reminder that there must have been good too if I stayed around for so much bad. I did try to work on with a therapist the year we broke up and when I kept saying “why did I stay in this?” she told me to remind myself that it filled the need I had at the time. And I believe that, I still just wish I hadn’t had that big hole in my psyche to begin with. I guess that is really what I need to get closure with. Hmmm, thanks Loralee for making me think, as you so often do. You know, your blog is cheap therapy for me so often–THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
great post. I’ve experienced both extremes of “closure”… one great, fantastic, total full closure like you’ve described– all the hurt & crap washed away in a moment thanks to an unexpected and very genuine & sincere apology. the other– plenty of faltering steps, several stalled attempts at discussion, & now many (good god, *many*) years having gone by, still no full closure.
the intricacies of letting go, full apologies, true forgivenesss… amazing… so simple & complex at the same time. good for you for really jumping in & being emotionally honest & vulnerable with Al. so glad you’ve experienced this closure– if nothing else, you now know it’s possible!
Anon-
YUP.
We have very similar situations going on.
I have a lot of admiration for you here, Loralee. First though I need to give a big applause to Flyboy.
Is it creepy to say that I wish I had dated the guy?
Not many people are able to look at themselves and the pain and wrong they have done to other people so honestly and be so apologetic.
Both your words speak volumes about him as a person and his obvious high regard of you. I am really glad that you can be good friends and that your husband is happy for you and ok with it.
You really have some good men that care about you.
I hope that the other areas of your life bring the same level of peace and closure eventually.
Oh, I also wanted to say that if I wish I could have your ex, I also wish I could be the kind of ex YOU are.
I have been lurking on here forever and I have never once heard you say one bad thing about the people formerly in your life.
You have way more kindess and restraint than I do. You have never bashed your exhusband or any past relationships and the times that you have have been so subdued and the result of something extreme.
You’re a very classy lady. I’m glad this has happened for you, Loralee.
I feel every word of this post.
You have an amazing heart and your ex really seems like a great man. I wish that any of my ex’s had that much respect for me or thought of me that well.
And to follow carolyn, your husband is wonderful for being happy for you and supportive. You DO have some great men in your life. You’re lucky.
I like the acid wash jeans!From what I can see around the huge bars over his head, you both look like you really were happy even though there were problems. Especially you, lorelee. Flyboy seems like a rare guy. I am happy for you both but also know it must be really tough to talk about some of the more unpleasant aspects of your relationship. That is never easy. You two are great role models for the rest of us.
God bless the two of you. Or, the three of you counting Mr. Looney Tunes. Or, I guess the 4 of you since Fly Boy isn’t “The Big One”.
You have a complicated life, Loralee. That isn’t a criticism, I just know that it must be a lot to deal with.
You have the weirdest, coolest, most painful, fascinating, full, psychadelic colored existance. And you are so beautiful too!
Your “truth” would probably kill most people. Meaning, what a load you carry.
As a really “big boned gal” I need to say one more thing: Flyboy, your great apology to Loralee aside, I wish more men were like you and can see the beauty in women that aren’t toth picks. You ge a whole lot of appreciation from this Southern Mama for that.
Whoopsadaisy! TOOTH PICKS.
I know you are a lot bigger back then, Loralee but you were so pretty I really can’t see it mattering to anyone!
Hooray for closure. So many people don’t get it.
I would give a lot to trade places with you right now. I am happily married but there are two relationships in my life that have caused me so much pain I don’t know if I will ever have closure either.
I think that you and your former bf have a lot of kindness in your hearts. It takes a special type of person to be able to work through pain and mistakes like that. And I think he is just great for being so supportive of you writing about this. Not many would let their baggage be open for public inspection. but you wrote it well and he handled it great.
I am sorry either of you had to defend anything in the comments. Most of us know that any upset is due to the mistake, not you. It’s obvious he cares about you and no way would a guy who is that repentant be mad at you for his mistakes.
It must have been a misunderstanding on the commenters part but you both dealt with it just great.
I love this blog. It is the most interesting place to hang out and my very favorite read/
kept seeing this linked and so i clicked over. this is a very sweet story. i am sorry for both of you that you caused each other pain. why do we do that to people? i guess it is necessary to grow.
do you think that now you have closure in this relationship you will ever get closure for the big one you talked about? i have one of those and like you i just don’t know if it’s gonna happen.
Some general comments-
Flyboy’s jeans were the bomb diggity. Actually hat outfit he is wearing in that photo of us being all disco with ‘Greg Brady’ was my very favorite. I used to borrow that shirt all the time to wear. (Ah, the 90′s. The grunge, men’s wear look saved me).
There is a whole lot going on behind the scenes here.
I’m just glad I have a great friend out of all of this and am impressed at how gracious he’s been at letting me talk about us online. Not many would be ok with that.
Copper-
I would love to have closure in the other area. It would be a huge gift to both of us and honestly… I hope I can get there one day.
Day by day, right?
I want to thank everyone for their comments. This was a tough thing to write about and I appreciate your words.
I’m heavy so my favorite part was that he found you beautiful when weighed more. You were, too.