Matthew David Choate
Born: June 7th, 2003
Died: September 23rd, 2003
Days on earth: 108
Aaron Michael Choate
Born: May 19, 2009
Days on earth: 108
I have been waiting for this day.
Hoping for it.
Dreading it.
So many people don’t get why it even matters to me.
My answer:
It just does.
It matters a lot.
Aaron reaches 108 days on the earth today.
The same number of days his older brother lived before dying of SIDS.
108 days.
That doesn’t seem very long, does it?
It’s not.
Especially when you are talking about an entire lifetime for someone; when you consider that it has been 2,171 days that we have gone without our sweet, sweet baby boy to hold and kiss and cherish.
While 108 days doesn’t seem very long at all in comparison to 2,171 days, it was absolutely long enough for my wee baby boy to imprint his soul on my heart so deeply I will never let go.
That part didn’t take long at all-it happened the instant I saw him. He was MINE. My strong, sweet, red headed little man.
My Little Bug.
108 days of love and wonder and joy was all we were given with him.
So few blissful days with Matthew, so many dark ones without.
I look down at Aaron and feel so much happiness my heart hurts. I see his cute round eyes, his little nose, and watch all his adorable movements, coo’s and smiles and it lifts me up more than I ever thought I could be again.
I took this video, not only because I adore my baby but it is for a very pointed illustration so that you can try to understand me. It’s short (and cute) so please…watch it?
He’s adorable, no? This stage of life is so precious and sweet that I wish I could stay up 24/7 just to watch every single second of it. I cannot see this without thinking about my Matthew. How similar they are to me.
How I love them both so much.
How Aaron is still here.
How Matthew is not.
He’s not here because he died.
At 108 days.
One moment he was as alive and sweet and precious and HERE as much as Aaron is in this video; I blinked and he was dead and cold and more still and quiet than any baby should ever be.
HE DIED.
MY LITTLE SON DIED.
I still cannot comprehend it sometimes. Sometimes I will say it over and over and type it over and over and still, I cannot make myself believe that those words belong in my life, my history.
Sitting here thinking about the little one I lost squeezes my heart with a hurt so intense I can’t breathe. So sharp that I just want to run and run and RUN from it.
Holding Aaron’s tiny warm body to my chest listening to his sweet sounds I remember how I sat in a trauma bay holding my quiet and still little one and felt the heat leave his body and the terrible sound of the last bits of oxygen exiting it and I cannot fathom how I survived it.
How did I survive Matthew dying?
I get asked that question all the time.
I ask myself the same question regularly:
How did I live through burying my child?
How did I survive something that horrifying?
HOW AM I STILL BREATHING WHEN MY BABY IS NOT?
How, how, HOW?!
The truthful answer?
I have no idea.
It certainly wasn’t what I had in mind.
It certainly wasn’t my intent.
That is a story for another day, though.
But…that day is coming.
Soon.
I’m finally brave enough to talk about it.
But not today.
Today is enough of a struggle.
I didn’t want today to be about my sorrow and fear and pain.
I wanted it to be about my joy that Aaron is HERE.
HERE WITH ME.
ALIVE.
For which I am more grateful than most of you have any idea.
It’s just hard.
So hard that some days that I feel like I can’t take a breath because my grief has taken up every molecule in my body and all I want in the world is to be with my little one and rage and scream and cry that I cannot.
It is still so hard.
STILL.
Even after 2,171 days.
I have held up these 108 days so much better than I thought I would. There has been much less anxiety and fear than I anticipated.
Today was going to be a joyful day of celebration for my son and the life he is living with me and I expected it would be. However, I have learned that expectations often get the middle finger in the grieving process. You have to take what is in front of you and deal with it.
And what is in front of me on day 108 is sobbing, pain and sharper sorrow for the loss of my baby than I was prepared for.
So, I will deal with that today.
I will allow myself to be sad.
And come day 109?
I hope to have joy.
Filed under: 
Loralee…that smile…it just says everything. EVERYTHING there is to say about being a mother. It’s there, in that little face.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I don’t know how you can bear to carry the burden of grief unspoken for so long. We are here to share your load when you’re ready to write about it.
Hugs.
Whether you have sorrow or joy tomorrow I do not know. But I know you love both of them so much. I know they both know how much they are loved by you.
And I am so sorry for your loss.
More than you know.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey. It helps others more than you can ever imagine.
Sending love as always from the sunny shores of Perth, Australia xxxx
Happy 108 sweetheart. You made it and you’re healing. Also…you’re my hero. xo
i hope this 108th day is much happier and that you are all surrounded by love and support
My heart is heavy for you today. I am so damn sorry that you only got 108 days with Matthew, the world just doesn’t make sense to me sometimes. No mother should ever have to bury her child. The grief slices so deep that you wonder how you can ever move forward, but you did. Cry for those 108 days today, but tomorrow rejoice for the 109 you have with Aaron and for the thousands and thousands of days you will have with him. hugs and prayers to you today.
Also Aaron, is just beautiful
I came here by way of figet’s tweet. First, let me say that I am SO very sorry for your loss. Next, I send happy wishes and good vibes that on the 109th day, you know nothing but happiness.
Aaron is a doll! It is obvious that he has a lot to tell you and that he adores you as you do him. Enjoy!
I found you recently- when Lucky Thirteen posted a link where you shared about losing Matthew. It broke my heart and shredded a piece of my soul. And reading this today… I feel such joy for Aaron, such sadness for Matthew. So honored that you so openly and honestly share this experience with us. Thank you.
I am rejoicing for Aaron and honoring Matthew and your entire family today. Much love.
That video brings me back so sharply to those early days, I can only say how sorry I am for your loss. No parent should ever, ever have to experience such pain.
Ohhhh, babe. So much heavy riotous bulk but I know your heart, of all people’s, is big enough to hold it all.
Thinking of you today.
All I can say is am so proud of you for sharing and know that we are thinking of the wonderful big brother looking down at his younger brother with pride.
My heart and my thoughts are with you today my dear friend.
Aaron is precious! I think I popped an ovary…
I keep a picture in my wallet of a little girl who was born to us but never took a breath. On December 10th, that picture will be 29 years old. My wife still cries over that little girl. In fact, so do I. I like to think of her as having watched over her three younger brothers – and maybe that’s the reason she was taken from us.
I understand, Loralee. I truly do. I wish I could wrap my arms around your pain and kiss it away. But I know where it comes from. And it never goes away.
Maybe there can be some consolation knowing that Michael is up there, watching over Aaron.
Thinking of you today and both your sweet baby boys. (My 4-year old would like to marry Aaron — is that ok?)
I love you and it kills me to read about this pain you have had and are still having to go through. I wish I could have been there for you. Not that it would have made a difference to anyone but me, but damn I hate seeing someone I care about so much ache like this.
Aaron. is a love and if he belonged to anyone else I would have kept him. Enjoy him so much because in the blink of an eye you will dropping him off at his college dorm.
i love you. You mean the world to me and I can’t wait to see you again in 4 weeks.
Hugs from someone pretty new to your blog.
Loralee, I do know exactly how you feel. I lost my niece to SIDS when she was 3 months, 20 days old. I am terrified that my own child will face the same fate as my sister’s child. Every baby I have borne has had to endure endless hovering from me until that 3-20 day passes. Then, it’s weird… I feel like I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. At the same time, I fear that I am prematurely letting my guard down. I hate it when people say, “Until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes…” but it’s so true here. How many people have a normal healthy baby and STILL wonder, “When I get home, will my baby still be alive?” That’s what you live through after losing a baby to SIDS.
Oh, gosh, I hope that didn’t make you feel worse. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone, and while no one knows EXACTLY how you feel, I can kinda relate.
And, Aaron is a miracle. Every child that lives one day or 108 days is a miracle. Matthew was a miracle too. I’m so glad you had them both.
All I can say is I know. It is hard. It hurts, it sucks. I often wonder how we survive. Somedays I wish I hadn’t. But now, with these 3 to keep me on my toes, I’m glad I did.
xoxo
My heart goes out to you.
when you figure all this out, please let me know. then again, i think i’m still in the haze of it all.
Sending you everything that is good in my heart.
The video is just so precious!! His smile lights up his whole face!
I know your pain for your lost baby, mine was taken from us almost 40 years ago. I have no pictures of him, did not get to hold him…. it still is painful…
Hold on to today, rejoice in the wonderful boys who are with you. Thank God for their health, their smiles, and love them, love them, love them.
You get through it because you have to. Plain and simple. You are in my heart. Especially so today.
Thinking of you today, and your beautiful babies.
“However, I have learned that expectations often get the middle finger in the grieving process. You have to take what is in front of you and deal with it.
And what is in front of me on day 108 is sobbing, pain and sharper sorrow for the loss of my baby than I was prepared for.”
That is so true. I’m waiting for the sobbing, pain, and sharper sorrow…it’s getting harder as October 30th approaches. That was my due date, and I’m just waiting for the type of primal crying and hysterics I had when I first learned I’d never get to see my baby alive.
October 15th I’m lighting a candle for my angel. I’ll be lighting one for Matthew as well. http://www.october15th.com/
That is such a beautiful video. Aaron is so stinkin’ gorgeous!!
I don’t know what else to say, but that I hope today isn’t as painful as you are expecting it to be, but instead it’s filled with love and joy.
Aaron is just precious.
Like your first commenter wrote, it must be so difficult to carry all that with you, but when you’re ready to write it, we’ll be here.
(hugs) Hoping that day 109 is filled with joy.
*hugs*
I don’t have words to express how very sorry I am that your days with Mathew were so short. But I am sure, and I pray for it, that you will find him again at the end of your route – he will wait for you.
And I wish to you and your Aaron many happy future days.
regards,
Amy.
I don’t think any of us can enjoy the present and the future without looking to the past – especially when the past seems to parallel with the present so much.
I loved watching that video – Aaron is a gift and I’m so glad you are enjoying every moment with him. Take care of yourself honey – you’ll always grieve, but hopefully the miracle of Aaron every day can help lessen the occurrences of the pain.
It rips my heart out everytime you talk about Matthew. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. And truthfully I hope to NEVER know it. Thank you for sharing what you are feeling. It must take a lot of courage.
It is amazing to me that you are here, sharing these incredibly strong, sad emotions with us, after all you have been through. It is amazing that you are such a wonderful mom, a wonderful person, someone who is able to relate to other people, after all the suffering and the hardship. I… have no words. I wish I could have words of wisdom, though I doubt nothing I could say could make you feel better.
I just want you to know you are an inspiration and that I think all of us want to hug you sooo tight, just to let you know we are here and we care.
You are amazing. Here’s to Matthew, to Aaron, and to the future celebrations in his life and yours that will hopefully help your healing continue. (((Hugs)))
I JUST put my mascara on, and then came in to read this. Now I have to re-wash my face and reapply.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m so happy for Aaron in your life. 108 days.
Sob.
Loralee, you never cease to amaze me. Your strength and love is almost palpable when I read about your children. No one deserves the happiness more and I hope that after this painful marker, it comes a little easier.
Amazing how you made me cry and made my uterus melt, all in one post.
xo
Could that video be ANY MORE PRECIOUS?!?! IT totally made my day, but made my heart sick to think that your little Matthew died when he was only that little. The fact that you have Aaron makes me so happy for you, because I think that he’s helping to heal your heart a little bit more and bring SO MUCH JOY to your family. He’s a little miracle. A gift. I’m sure that would make Matthew so happy :)
Loralee, he’s beautiful. And you are absolutely amazing. I can not imagine how hard today is for you. Just know we’re all thinking of you today.
Tons of hugs honey. Here’s to a million more days with your beautiful boy.
Loralee,
I’m so sorry you have to go through today.
I’m so happy that Aaron is well. What a perfect smile. I barely remember this age, your video calls it back wonderfully.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom (I know it doesn’t feel like that… maybe we can say “experience?”) about grieving with us all. It’s a lumpy journey & your sharing DOES make it easier for others.
LOVE to you and your family, and hopes that day 109 will be an ordinary day filled with baby smiles and big kid b.o. and some chocolate for Mommy.
X
Supa
That is indeed an odd milestone, and I am sorry you have to go through it. Your boy is such a cute little Muppet-face! Those big eyes!
Hugs to you.
Oh, that little grin! I’m so glad I watched this, he’s so darn CUTE!
And the rest of your post is like the opposite. Ugh, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you and I don’t even know you.
The video of Aaron is so precious. He is such a happy baby and looks at you with the same loving eyes that you look at him with.
The 108 day milestone is hard. I wish I could make it easier. The tiny bit of worry that history will repeat itself. I don’t think it ever goes away. Once you know personally what is possible…
You know how you made it through losing Matthew? One step at a time. Soon enough you look back and wonder who the hell you made it. Other times you’re ripped right back to those final moments.
Your words are beautiful,Loralee. My heart break for you just as it is filled with happiness. Gah, I am babbling here, typing through tears. I am thinking about you…
Oh, sweetie. You are a much stronger woman than I am .
Sending you love and hugs and kisses and prayers.
xoxoxo
I watched the video and just about fell to pieces. He is so precious.
Sending so much love your way.
how precious that face is! and the cooing?! i miss that… :( (my lil one is 21 months)
i am sure that lil one was sent to help mend your broken heart. cherish him always.
and i hope for better days for you!
I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for sharing such deep personal stories with us all. It touches me in a way I can’t even put into words.
You are one of the strongest women I have ever met. And your little Aaron is just gorgeous. It warms my heart to see you hold and love that precious gift.
One of my best days was the day that my little one had been in my home 1 more day then he had been in the NICU. Made him feel a little more like he was mine-completely.
Lots of love today.
I know that today is only the beginning of what will continue to be rough milestones. You are surrounded by wonderful people and an amazingly adorable little boy. I think of you all often and keep Matthew in my heart.
:0(
I love you. Give that little boy two squeezes for me. One for him and one for Matthew.
xoxo
I wish you didn’t have to write something like this. But, I’m glad you did. It helps me to remember to not take things for granted.
My thoughts are with you on this 108th day.
I wish for you much joy. xoxo
Since I never know what to say to people’s sorrow and grief, I will instead take your route in focusing on the joy. That child in the video? He is a DOLL. And I don’t even really like kids that much! But I like him.
So sorry; so sorry–no words, besides that.
I completely forgot how amazing tiny little coos could be. Thank you for sharing that…and here’s hoping its a little easier TOMORROW.
Loralee: I love you. You are true blue, you share so much of yourself with us, I can’t thank you enough. And I don’t know how you did it and how you still do it, I don’t think I could. But here you are! And you will have joy in your life, you will. Big hug.
I’m sorry but I hope the joy you deserve is just around the corner. That video was sweet beyond compare. Hugs.
I *get* that it shouldn’t be important but it just is. This is a milestone no one wants to celebrate, or in your case, mourn. But Day 109 WILL come. And thousands more after that. Embrace these blessings in your life!
I have no idea of the pain that you must feel! You truly are such a much stronger person then you yourself credit for. These post breaks my heart but it’s something that needs to be out there, something you need to let go. Recently we had a friend that carried her baby full term. She felt the baby move the day before. She started having contractions, then went in to have the baby and there wasn’t a heartbeat. How can that happen? I just don’t understand sometimes how God can take the life of a child. I’m sure you’ve asked the same questions a million times. Lots of love to you today! Aaron is amazing, he is a blessing to you and your family!
weeping
Oh Loralee, I have felt so much of what you wrote here. Our beautiful daughter passed away a year and a half ago. I am now pregnant with our second, a son. I have had so much fear and anxiety, and honestly I have been scared to death that I will lose it completely once he’s here. You wrote, “I have held up these 108 days so much better than I thought I would. There has been much less anxiety and fear than I anticipated.” These words are like a lifeline for me today. Maybe I’ll survive the first few days, weeks, months also. Thank you for this.
I am so sorry your adorable red-headed son is not here with you. The way you write of him just exudes love. You’re in my thoughts today.
Huge warm hug
I can feel your heart. I am so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced. Your son Aaron is gorgeous. I smiled through the entire video…my son, Forrest, is only 10 days older than your Aaron. What a precious, beautiful time in a baby’s life.
May you be full of peace and may you be utterly aware of how many people are thinking of you, praying for you, and just cyber-hugging you. :) Joy will come.
I just found you today through Prairie Mama. My thoughts are with you along your journey.
I love you. more than I can say here.
Honey. Joy tomorrow, peace today.. soak it all in.. you make the most of it, it is who you are and so much more.
I MISS COOS.
woman.. that right there, that video.. dammit.. my uterus is screaming at me and my bewbs are aching.
DAMMIT LL.
Hang in there.
Thinking of you and wishing you both comfort and joy.
I cannot fathom your conflicting pain and happiness. I’m sending peaceful thoughts your way.
PS Your baby is absolutely adorable. I just want to kiss his cheeks!!
(((hugs)))
He’s gorgeous. YOU’RE gorgeous. Keep looking ahead to tomorrow. It will be so much better than today.
My best friend in life is my ’sister’ Melinda. Her son dies 8 years ago in a tragic accident in Utah while they were landscaping their yard. She lives it every day. She wonders every day. She gets angry and sad and confused every day.
But, she has 3 sons. One born 2 weeks before her son’s death, and one born 5 years ago. They know their brother, they love their brother and they understand that he is still very much a part of their family.
Some days she can get out of bed. Others she cannot. She lives for the joy and tries to remember those days versus the sorrowful ones. She would be the first to tell you it never goes away, but she would also tell you that loving Aaron as she loves her sons, all four of them, is the best thing she can do to heal her heart.
So take the time you need. Some days more than others. Rejoice in the precious moments. There will be many more.
I stumbled onto your blog from someone else (your formula post, no less, thumbs up), (one of those click through type of days). I’m very sorry for your loss. I really and truly can’t even imagine. It makes me want to hug my children really tight.
I don’t understand how things like this can happen, but it’s a major fear of mine. I was freaked about SIDS with my son, and now my daughter, who was born the day before Aaron (funny, I call her my little sweet pea too). I know there is nothing anyone can say to make your heart feel less heavy.
Sending tons of love. You’re in my thoughts. *squishy hugs*
Sending lots of (((HUGS))) to you!!!
XOXO
Loralee – You are an amazing woman and you have suffered the most crippling loss. When I see the parallels in little Kairi’s babydom (yes, I’m making up words.) to Gracie’s and I grieve for the time I missed with Gracie. I cannot even begin to fathom what this must be like for you.
I can’t help but wonder now that Aaron has made it this far, how will it be once he is beyond that parallel? I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I hope that doesn’t sound insensitive, because it is certainly not meant to be in any way whatsoever.
Anyway, I wish you the best for day 109 and beyond. I look forward to new videos of little Aaron. He is truly a beautiful, beautiful boy and I am so happy that you have him. *hugs for you and the softest baby kisses for Aaron*
I can only imagine your pain, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for your comfort. Aaron is beautiful and a wonder. I loved that smile at the end. My wish for you is to have many great days ahead with Aaron while honoring Matthew. I am so sorry for your loss and having to experience this difficult day.
:( I think I’m going to go poke my baby, so he’ll wake up, then I can cuddle him.
Every mother out there, who reads you, knew this day was coming. Maybe not on a day to day waiting type of thing, but when I opened up this post I KNEW.
Every mother knows about dates.
How could we not? It’s who we are. The mama lions. You are still here because Aaron was coming, and he needed you to be here.
The video was lovely.
The rend in your heart may slowly close. But the scar will always be there. And, we know.
love,
julie
****HUGS**** He’s beautiful. And for the record, this is the very first blog post EVER that made me cry.
And here’s to 108 + infinity more days.
And yes, he IS adorable, just deliciously delicious.
Loralee, hugs; he is so darling; the video is precious. I sit here, trying to be thoughtful in my comment, but really just wanting to let you know that I care, that I’m glad you have sweet Aaron and incredibly sad you have had to spend 2171 days without your precious Matthew. Again, hugs
Oh Loralee, I’m so sorry. Words can’t even begin to describe how sorry I am…I only wish that I could take away some of the sorrow so that you didn’t have to deal with it because you’ve dealt with it long enough. But I know I can’t, and that even if I could there would still be sorrow…but at least there is also happiness, because Aaron is 108 days and he is gorgeous and healthy and a gift. But you already know that.
Aaron is adorable, that video is so sweet. I’m sending virtual hugs and kisses your way, and I wish I could do more for you.
loralee- your strength is immense and powerful… and so is your pain. i’m sorry.
i’m thinking of you.
You are my hero, in the most un-cliche way possible. Seriously, I think you are AMAZING.
108 days is tragically short, but how lucky he was to have spent those days with YOU. But it should have been many, many, many more. For all of you.
So eloquent and so, so sad. Like the 80 before me, I just wanted to send you some love and celebrate with you the aliveness of your baby. Yes, the video was cute but I was crying by the end of it as I continued reading your story.
Hope tomorrow is the happier day, all the more for letting yourself feel and show your sorrow today. I can only imagine how weird/bittersweet it is to have and hold Aaron while remembering Michael; my two boys looked somewhat alike as nurslings and there were moments with my second that I felt I had lost my way in the time/space continuum because holding him and looking at him seemed so familiar yet new.
so much love to you all. xoxoxox
Twelve years ago, my friend Mel’s baby died of SIDS at one week shy of four months. The day my son was as old as he had been, I woke up shaking. I hadn’t been counting. But I knew. And it’s not the same at all and I am not trying to say I understand, but I know the importance of certain days.
I <3 U. Just wanted you to know.
I know I commented on twitter on this post, but it was still in my feed reader, so I thought it was a sign I should give you some more love. I don’t know how you did or do it, but I am so glad you have sweet little Aaron to help you through it. xoxo. You are amazing.
You’ve made it. You are somewhere new. You can do it. I believe. (Hugs)
[...] for. Her baby boy Aaron is now older than his big brother Matthew will ever be. He was taken at 108days old from SIDS. Loralee’s blog is heart wrenching and so honest. You can feel her grief [...]
I hope you have joy, too.
Aaron is SO totally adorable….those cheeks…precious.
He is SO very precious. They both are. I can only imagine how bittersweet your feelings are. And I’m guessing you found some of that joy just looking at your sweet baby’s face.
I hope that you found much joy on day 109…
I think for many of us, there are some days/benchmarks/whatever that come with special and terrible significance, that make us shudder and shake and pray to get past differently this time. And I think that we will always, always note these benchmarks.
I’m so so sorry.