*Ok, I had to add two lines to this after reading my comments because there were things that MUST be included about BlogHer (Like the chick who kept showing up naked in the lobby posing for photos for people. I am no hater. Be clothing optional in your home or areas where PEOPLE ARE OK WITH IT AND EXPECTING IT. I was not. As far as I am concerned? IT WAS NOT COOL.) If you have a great BlogHer moment with me feel free to throw it in there. I love coming back and re-reading these things over the year.

I’ve been back from BlogHer for a week.

To save space in this long ass post, the photos are small. Click to embiggen. This amazing photo and the one at the end are courtesy of LOU THE AMAZING PHOTO GUY. Who was also fabulous to meet. He played around with it and turned it into THIS. Dang talented is that guy.

It was a ROLLER COASTER of emotion and experiences from happy, ecstatic, amazing things I loved to mortifying, horrible and sad things.

Here are just a few:

THINGS I LOVED
My roommates. My hell they are beautiful, inside and out.
We got along so well. THEY ARE ALSO FREAKING TINY. All of them are about the size of my calf. After 4 days of walking around with them I got to the point of finding someone to pose with to make me feel small. It worked.

TIM GUNN. Because I want to have his dark-suited gay babies. For reals.

Telling Karen Sugarpantsthat Tim Gunn is NOT a country western singer. (Dude. Funniest thing, ever.) And hearing her say that after meeting me she is surprised I don’t use MORE CAPS AND ITALICS. I believe the exact quote is “You should just duct tape the damn caps key down on your keyboard.” Heh. Is she not beautiful? I love this little Canadian more than I can tell you, peeps.

Talking with BlogHer’s co-founder (who I LOVE) Elisa C. about the conference and having her tell me I am a great volunteer. In return I got to tell her how much this organization has helped me. This conference helped me feel like I have some power and that I am not helpless after a year of feeling like I had NO power and more helpless than I can tell you. (And? Who the hell wouldn’t love having the lovely BOSSY and her legs on their lap?)THE SWAG. I did NOT clamor, fight and bump babies in the head for it (SHAME ON ALL THAT DID), but there is something to be said for having a half dozen roses delivered to your room along with 18 months of Bounce fabric softener. And Chocolate. Did I mention THE CHOCOLATE? Le sigh…Room 704 (I love those beetches!) wins hands down for their swag, though. DUDE. You cannot go wrong with sex toys in swag bags. You just can’t. I also will brag I got the vibrator that syncs to my iPod. It was fabulous.

Getting my bra held hostage until I followed Miss Grace back on Twitter.

Having my own blogging “Session” underneath a table with Busy Dad. I highly recommend it to everyone with social anxiety who is fleeing from the speed dating session with 1,500 people.


It was fabulous, and so cozy. Until the paparazzi found us, that is. Heh.

THE ANNUAL CHEESEBURGHER PARTY.


Best of all?
Getting to meet and speak with Valarie Jarrett, senior advisor to The President of the United States.
It was amazing and humbling and just…fabulous. I don’t care WHAT side of the aisle you are on, when you get to meet someone of that position? IT IS JUST COOL. PERIOD.Plus? Do you have ANY idea how satisfying it was to call my not-very-supportive-of-my-blog husband and tell him that because of ME and MY BLOG he was going to be getting a phone call FROM THE WHITE HOUSE??!

Talk about awesome.

My husband and I are both working on our posts that will be up next week.

Mainly? BlogHer got me recharged and helped me put a WHOLE lot of things in perspective. I’m thankful for that after a year of floundering.

THINGS THAT SUCKED AND MADE ME GO “OH, $*&##!@*#(@!!!!!!”

Drama.

Screw drama.

It sucks.

For reals.

I kept barfing. I am still throwing up. We thought it was my medication, but I went off of it for 2 days and nothing changed. Wah.

THERE WAS NO DIET COKE IN THE WHOLE DAMN CITY OF CHICAGO I SWEAR.

I also had SO MANY FREAKING EMBARRASSING MOMENTS.

Like failing to recognize Dana and Tracy. (YEAH. I KNOW.)

Not only do I fail to recognize people I TOTALLY ADMIRE AND ADORE but hello! Sweetney’s “Look” is one of the MOST recognizable ever. When she walked by I even thought, “Oh! That woman has Tracy hair!”

Fail.

THEN I proceed to start falling all over myself and verbally vomiting apologies all over them. Which would be fine, except I said things like, “I am so sorry, Tracy, but YOU ARE SO MUCH SMALLER THEN LAST YEAR!!”

Translation of what exactly that could mean in hindsight: YOU WERE SUCH A FREAKING FAT ASS AT LAST YEAR’S CONFERENCE THAT I OBVIOUSLY THINK THAT YOU ARE THE SISTER OF JABBA THE HUT!!!!

Crap.

So LAST year I snotted a booger on Amy and THIS year I go all idiot in front of Tracy. Maybe NEXT year I can round it all out by inappropriately groping Catherine. GAH!

Luckily, Tracy and Dana (and Amy and Catherine for that matter) are truly some of the greatest people.

Dana is an amazing conservative political blogger. I am a Republican but quite a moderate one. It was lovely to talk to her about my lunch before and after. She was enormously helpful. Did I mention that I paid her back by vomiting in a cup in front of her at the Mama Pop party and she was kind enough to escort a puking, sobbing (more on that below) me into the bathroom?

I am a winner. Truly.

I also threw up all the way to the flight to Detroit in front of a lovely grandmother of four named Reva.

YEAH.

She was lovely and sent me a kind email after our long discussion of blogging and the internet. (She’s online. How cool is that.)

My many awesome moments fulfilling my job as an official “Mic Wrangler” for BlogHer. (Meaning I run the microphone around the room so people can ask questions. It rules.)

I tripped ON NOTHING while walking up the aisle at The Mommy Tribe session. Damn good thing I am a trained actress because HOLY HELL THAT HURT MY BACK.

And nothing says “Competent” than trying to end a session by telling the panel that they are out of time only to discover I was trying to shut them up FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO END.

My other fab moment was when I was wrangling a session and I passed the mic to a lovely women who only got out “Hi, I’m Kate of Sweet Salty” before I STARTED SQUEEING AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SESSION!!!

Hey, in my defense it WAS the last session of the last day and I was afraid I wouldn’t get to meet her. And dude, Kate is totally squee-in-public worthy. For reals. She also takes pretty pictures. See?

I also cried at this conference.

A lot.

And we are not talking a few tears. It was full on, mascara down the chin, SOBBING.

I knew I would. I tried to warn everyone. I was too emotional, hormonal, exhausted and fried to think it wouldn’t happen. I missed my baby and a couple dear loved ones deployed while I was gone. It sucks. I worry. I have no idea how they are and it blows. BlogHer was a good distraction but it added stress.

STILL…it was more than I even thought would happen.

I bawled in the lunch with Valarie Jarrett. It is kind of hard not to when relaying that you are 34, in mountains of debt coming off one of the most stressful years of your life because of shitty health care and having to move into a home owned by your mommy and daddy.

I also may have referred to Senator Orrin Hatch as “Ugly-tie guy”. And that he writes REALLY cheesy music. (WHAT?! BOTH ARE TOTALLY TRUE. I’ve sung enough of it. Trust me.)

I also MAY have used naughty language in front of her and said “Ta-Ta’s”, but I TOTALLY BLAME MOCAH MOMMA FOR THAT. ;P

I also sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for about 3 hours over many, many things in a hotel room with some of the most wonderful people ever.

Example?

See this woman? I love her.

I have loved her since I met her.

And I will always love her. No matter what.

Her and SO many others that were in Chicago and around the world.

And at the end of the day, that is what I loved most about BlogHer.

The people.

The relationships.

The real and honest and good ones.

And there are so many of them.

For me?

That is what it is all about.

P.S. I WILL be doing a page containing links to all the business cards I collected. I just need to recover some more first. For all the photos I took (well, the HALF that I have access to right now) go to my flickr page.

P.P.S. I am still on drugs for my back and will be until a few weeks from now. I have been quiet on my blog because, um, have you ever tried blogging on pain killers? Yeah. So? Any errors, stupidity, lameness or other elements of suck are apologized for n’ stuff.

P.P.P.P.S. ESPECIALLY IF I LEFT YOU OUT. I loved EVERYONE. This post would be War and Peace if I wrote everything. AND I had to work with the photos I had. SO MANY PEOPLE WERE LEFT OUT THAT I PEED MYSELF OVER SEEING.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I think going to BlogHer makes me curse more. I’m just sayin’.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I’m not doing the multiple post script thing tonight. I’m too tired.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Except I already did 5, didn’t I? Which I suppose falls into the realm of “Unreasonable amounts of Post Scripts”.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I can’t stick to anything can I?

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Well, I can, but it involved about five cans of frosting when I was on a date to girl’s choice in high school.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Which also sounds WAY more pervy than I meant it to. We all got into a huge frosting fight. It got EVERYWHERE. My boyfriend went home and took a shower WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES ON. Thing is, the matching bright blue shirt I gave him wasn’t washed so he ended up turning himself blue.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. That gives a whole new meaning to the term “blue balls”, huh?

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. And if I hadn’t been such a naive little thing in high school I totally would have thought to use that back then. Heh.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. It is totally obvious to even me and my pain killer muddled mind that I NEED TO STOP TALKING. RIGHT NOW.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Sigh.