There is a part of me that wonders what would happen if I just didn’t show up in Chicago at BlogHer on Wednesday.
I am not ready to go.
Not at all.
Last year I was SO ready.
It’s unbelievable the amount of preparation I did for my first BlogHer conference last year. I think I started an entire year before. Reading all the posts, twitters and status updates on Facebook about BlogHer 2007 made me determined to be at BlogHer 2008.
I decided I would have the time of my life.
And I did.
I worked hard to go. I found other people that were going and started reading their blogs, talking to them, networking and getting to know the program. I saved every penny I could. I don’t make a ton off of blogging, but I make enough. I use it for things I “want” so that I don’t have to take it out of our household funds. It’s enough for me to play and save a portion for things that I want like a trip to hang with fellow geeks for 3 fun-filled days. I worked hard to put aside my social anxieties and fears and reach out and enjoy myself. And it worked. I “made out” just fine. (Hee)
This year is a completely different situation.
I am not ready.
I feel like all I do is WHINE on this blog. I am so sorry. I know it’s like a broken record but damn…I have nowhere else to go sometimes.
I’m more exhausted than I think I ever have been. My back still massively sucks (as we knew it would). I hormonal and emotionally frayed. The bug that has worked its way through all my family has caught up to me and I have a high fever and have been throwing up for 2 days. I haven’t packed. I haven’t been online. I haven’t spoken to my roommates.I’m using last year’s business cards that have a typo and don’t have my Twitter account. I have a “sort of” plan to get from the airport to the hotel on Wednesday but have I finalized anything? Prepared anything?
No.
I am heavier than I have been since my gastric bypass and feel a bit self-conscious and unattractive. I know I am not Jabba the Hut, but it doesn’t make me the most confident person around.
Just so this post isn’t all whining, there are some good things-thanks to some major hand holding by a friend at least I have clothing that fits. AND also thanks to REALLY WONDERFUL ROCKING PEOPLE, I will have a new hairdo courtesy of The Sparrow Salon (YUP! I WON THE HAIR MAKEOVER!!! I guess it pays to look fugly and be covered in baby barf constantly.). I am deeply grateful. It will go a long way in helping me feel less awkward.
I also have this:
My baby gives me the tiny shreds of sanity I have left. I love him so much.
Still…
My house is in total shambles. We have gotten so much done.
There is still so much to do, though. Piles and piles of things EVERYWHERE. Some rooms you can hardly move in. And it is more overwhelming than I can even think about.
Even if everything in my “real” life was going perfectly, I would still be struggling regarding BlogHer.
I have neglected my online life the past year. My traffic, my relationships and my writing are all in the toilet. I’ve been a bad internet friend. A lazy blogger. A networking disaster.
The last year I have pretty much been a recluse online. There are many reasons why, but now isn’t the time to explore that.
The point is I don’t feel ready or dare I say…worthy to even be going to BlogHer feeling the way that I do and in the state my blog is in. A bit like the story of the Little Red Hen where I do nothing, show up and expect to reap the benefits. I know that is silly and not a requirement to attend but compared to last year, it’s just how I feel.
It’s sad to compare the two.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what the slow death of a blog looks like.
I hope not. Because I love this place. I love what I do.
And I know that despite being lame this year? I know that I am doing my very best.
My very best has just pretty much sucked.
I am hoping that BlogHer helps change that.
That it brings a refreshed, renewed blogger and person out of me. That I can make a fresh start and become more connected and reacquainted with the community I love so much. That I haven’t worn out my welcome.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
I hope you will, too.
Filed under: 
Well, I am really looking forward to meeting you. :) So I hope you feel better. And for crying out loud, dontcha think making a Real! Live! Person! is the epitome of “I’ve been busy?” Not much in the world more important than that, yo!
I don’t think I’m really worthy to be the first person commenting here but wow dude. You are being really really hard on yourself and your space. It’s obvious you have a ton o’ friends and fans and everyone is most definitely cool with whatever YOU need to be in YOUR life. You know? I am going to BlogHer for the first time and I don’t know shit. I read about all of your prep in your last year’s post and wow – I have done like uh, nothing. You are an incredible writer and well, I don’t know you but of course your sucky very best is all that BlogHer needs. Cause that’s all I’m bringing…that’s for damn sure.
Hope to run into you somewhere in some big crowded room….
:-)
I’m sorry things aren’t brighter right now. If it helps I’ll totally make out with you.
But that is what makes a blog special! It is a relationship between you and your readers. Just like IRL when we get too busy and neglect each other- we don’t dump that friend! We welcome her back with open arms and say “OMG- its so great to see you! What’s been going on?!?”. It’s just ebb and flow- right now you’re just ebbing…we can’t wait til you’re flowing again!
Um, I hope that made sense. LOL
I am hard on myself. This is no shock to people who know me. But I’ve been at a pretty low place even for me and I know I am looking at everything from a really skewed point of view. Like, from the bottom of a toilet bowl. Heh. I blame the drugs.
I just needed to vomit this out somewhere (no pun intended. Well, maybe a LITTLE bit of a pun intended.). BlogHer can be a damn intimidating thing so I just needed a shove on encouragement and to see things from a different point of view.
It gets a little hard to see the forest for the trees right now.
And I love ya more than I can say for giving me a big internet hug.
P.S.
I will totally hold you to that, Sarah. ;P
If you go to blogher and have a good time can you stop complaining and making other people responsible for your happiness?
Being happy is a choice. Being positive is a choice and all the readers in the world shooting sunshine out their asses won’t change a poor attitude.
If you tried more of that the other things in your life would be less taxing.
I can’t wait to meet you! Loves and hugs!
Brad, do you think that’s helpful? Really? Sheesh.
Loralee, I totally understand those feelings of unworthiness, but you know what? You have a blog and you paid your money. You’re in! It’s the beauty of capitalism! ;-)
Mwah!
Well Brad can take his attitude elsewhere. Being happy is NOT a choice and whoever came up with that stupid idea well they can shove off.
I’m a lurker Loralee and being an Aussie and all don’t really know anything about BlogHer other than that there is NO way I would have the confidence to go to it.
So you are representing the many me’s who no doubt read your blog and are cheering you on. Go, have a great time and for what it’s worth, I LOVE reading your blog. xxx
I’m excited to see you. Very very very excited. (If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know how “ready” I am either, but your friends are going to be there, and my friends are going to be there, and we are both going to have an amazingly good time. Or else: revolving doors. ; ) )
xoxo
I hope it’s not the slow death of the blog too, I just found it and I like it!
I hope you have a great time at BlogHer, I’ll only be there in Spirit! =)
I don’t blog, but I adore you woman. So obviously I won’t be at blogher. Also, I know that I can’t say anything that will make you feel more organized or prepared. SO I will just send you hugs. You’ve had a lot on your plate. Plus, HELLO. Baby hormones! Dude. I imagine those are quite the kicker. Go, be, have fun, rock the hair, and kick back a little. Who knows, it might be your best blogher yet!
Also, if anyone asks about new cards you say “they’re in production” like my dad does. It’s code for “I have a real life, and kids and holy crap time goes by fast so I didn’t get new ones”
Don’t apologize for living your life. Just live it, and then post pictures for us poor souls at home!
PS I am more than happy to listen to you whine. But I don’t think it’s whining. It’s just life!
Dood, you are a fun mess. I am hooked on your mess. Only, it’s not a mess. It is life and the abundance comes in many different ways… :) abundant backsuck – check, abundant house-reno-suck – check. You are still fun and interesting! Go and have a blast! Woohoo! (cue Rocky music)
I hope you go and have a wonderful time! Of course while you are there, I am in Utah, but those are the breaks :-)
Well, puking or not, I’m TOTALLY going to make out in the corner with you, woman. So bring a breath mint and STOP worrying.
xoxoxoxo
I have no desire to attend BlogHer unless they make wearing pajamas mandatory. Then I would fit in. But you? Will be renewed and refreshed with all the lurve you collect in person. Do you want to carry a picture of my jammies with you?
I really hope to see you this week. I understand what you’re feeling (mostly) and I wouldn’t hate you if you didn’t come, but I’d sure be sad.
If you want to come, you CAN do it. You have an amazing network of friends and we all love you and want to partay with you.
Just do what feels right. For you.
Loralee, I’m bent over, cheeks spread, big ole butt aimed north towards Logan,,,,,I bet your little fella smells soooo good in that pic. What a lucky guy to have you for a mom. You are a beautiful woman. (puke is the new Chanel) Your blog is my favorite. The new paint makes the house look so much BIGGER! I think cyber recluses are HOT. If i was a gal i would also totally swap puke spit with you. p.s. did i mention that Jonathon is one lucky dude? p.p.s. Your video of you dancing around the Logan area is the best one on YouTube! Your moves are better than Michael Jackson’s EVER were! p.p.s.s. I.m sorry that i forgot to warn you to put on anti-ass-sunshine spf 100 before you read my comment. steve
I hope you feel better soon. I know how much it means to you to go, so I hope that you can make it this year.
Will your husband be taking care of the little one? Or your mom?
Hey, suck it up!!! Quit yer whinin’ and go…you’ll have a great time ;)
Maybe attending the conference is exactly what you need? It is just different than last year in every way. You don’t have to be a blogging superstar and post all the time or comment all the time or what-have-you to attend the conference! Hell, it will hopefully give you new perspective and invigorate you. But give yourself a break, friend, you’ve been BUSY with having a baby. That’s kind of the most important job in the UNIVERSE.
You’re still a rock star. You’ll have a great time if you let yourself. :-)
Plus, if you didn’t come I would have to send a hit man out to get you cuz you’d totally fuck with my volunteer schedule, yo.
xoxo
You are being way too hard on yourself. You’ve had quite the year full of so many emotions and trials. You deserve to have fun and spend time with friends without feeling bad about your blog. I truly hope this isn’t the slow death of this place, I was really starting to like it here.
Maybe it’ll be the shot in the arm you need. Plus you have been throught a hell of a lot this year, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Hang in there and know there are a lot of people supporting you.
Whenever a new post from you pops up in my Reader, it’s always the first one I click on. That’s got to mean something, right?
Go have fun at BlogHer. You deserve it, even if you don’t think you do.
Actually reading this makes me feel so much better about my unpreparedness!
I am so excited to meet you! I know we will get along famously!
Hugs!
Summer
I would love to go to blogher but honestly I don’t have the money nor even 1% of the readers you get on your blog!!! I think I am my biggest reader on my blog ;)
No seriously, I am sorry you are feeling yucky! Honestly in your picture with baby spit up all over you still look very slim and skinny! I COMPLETELY understand the weight being higher than wanted and feeling fat but honestly you do NOT look fat!!! Also, you have at least 6 more months to get it off cause YOU JUST HAD A BABY!!!! :)
Your blog is one of my fav five :) I love when there is a new post!!!
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
I think you should come as you are. I promise I am so looking forward to meeting you. Maybe when you leave BH, you’ll know more of what you want to do in this space. I’m hoping i will with mine.
ps. I am so unprepared.
Brad is totally a man – trying to fix stuff instead of listening and giving encouragement. And also I may want to slap him just a little. But I figure he can’t help it.
Go and have a great time and tell us all about it. I can’t wait to see the hair. Luvs and slurpy kisses.
Maybe last year it was a business conference, but this year it can just provide a little vacation. Try not to focus on all of the aspects that are stressing you out, and just go enjoy yourself and your friends. You deserve it!
You could show up in a tattered old nighty with your housecoat and a kid hanging off your boob and I wouldn’t care.
(Well, yes. Yes. I would. I would care. OF COURSE I would care.)
I HAVE TO SEE YOU!!!
I am moving the weekend after BlogHer. I get home and have 3 days to get the rest of my life packed away and ready to be out the door. My house is in shambles. I haven’t slept in weeks and you know what? What’s a fun weekend in the grand scheme of things? IT’S A BREAK FROM REALITY AND A CHANCE TO HAVE YOU TIME.
At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself.
I get to see you in 2 sleeps!! !
*Sqqquuuueeeeeeee*
Not like you’ve had nothing going on or anything??!!!
Relax. Come see all of your friends. I bet you’ll find some mojo in there somewhere!
I can’t wait to see you! (But could you leave the sick-bug at home? Kthx.)
Loralee, I’m excited to see you again. I definitely feel less ready than last year- last year I was cute and pregnant and this year I am bigger than before I planned to lose some poundage before blogher. And I swear I went up another size this week. But what is so great about this community is that we’re here thick or thin. Good blog days and bad. It’s sometimes what gets me through… Thinking of you…
Steph
I wish we could all vow to show up in flannel sweats and glasses and hair in sloppy pony tails. It would be so much less stressful.
But, as a new Blogher goer, I am psyched to meet you. Don’t mind me if I get all star struck.
Too bad I am not going, you could stand next to me and feel super skinny and sexy! I totally love your blog and I think peeps understand you have been a “little” busy!
I have only been reading your blog for the past 8 weeks and I’m hooked. You are real, you are honest and you connect with people. You are way too hard on yourself, which frankly also makes me relate to you! Please just keep posting.
The beauty of it is that there are still people who LOVE you and, by the comments, are looking forward to seeing you, not matter what your blog looks like lately. I hope you have an amazing time and that you totally exceed your own expectations. After what you’ve been through lately (moving, birthing, etc), you deserve to go and HAVE A GOOD TIME!!
xoxo
Damn, I really wish I were going now, to give you a big squishy hug and kick your butt for being so hard on yourself! You are awesome. Sometimes life gets in the way of this online world we live in, and that’s just the way it is. I think you’re human and it’s one of many reasons I always read what you post – whining or not!! =)
Hang in there! What a beautiful picture. I hope you have a wonderful and relaxing time. I just found your blog and I love it.
Ugh…I totally know how it feels to have a baby and then go to a huge event, not feeling attractive and self confident. I’m not a blogger so I won’t be going, but if were to go I would totally want to make out with you too (hey I saw the other offers on here, it doesn’t hurt to throw my hat in the ring:)
My prediction is that you will get there and meet so many people who adore your blog like we do. It will be the break you need to feel better so that you are able to feel refreshed. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and excited to hear how everything goes!!!
Oh, honey. I think all your bloggy friends realize [at least a little] what a tremendously difficult year you’ve had, with the illness & lack of insurance.
*HUGS*