My heart is a bit heavy today. I went to the shed at the old house to find something and saw this:
Matthew’s stroller.
I spent hours picking it out and worrying over which model to get. I remember him sleeping in it when I went to a family BBQ at the park. I didn’t know what had happened to it. I wondered over the years but nobody seemed to know, either. When we were de-junking for the move, I guess someone found it in the back of the shed and moved it into sight.
I sat down on my steps and put my head in my hands and just tried to think through the moment and the craziness that has been my life the last month and a half.
I’ve been ripping out lots of things lately.
Ripping out kitchen cabinets.
Ripping out a 100-year-old chimney.
Ripping out weeds and overgrowth from neglected flower beds.
There’s been more than just ripping things apart, though.
Like choosing paint colors.
Trying not to freak out that I am painting my kitchen RED. And also trying to be brave enough to paint my living room battleship gray. (I plan on playing “In the Navy” by The Village People while I paint. It seems fitting.)
We have had TONS of help from my inlaws. (It’s seriously groovy to have a master electrician as your father-in-law when projects like, oh, RIPPING! YOUR!! WHOLE!!! HOUSE!!!! APART!!!! happens.)
Jonathan is amazingly handy as well. There is nothing he can’t seem to fix or figure out. Though, one day I WILL get a photo of him that he approves of being on the internet. Until then, this will have to do.
My family has helped a lot and my parents have been GEMS. They come over every single morning to hang out with the little butterbean for a couple of hours so I can get a few hours of sleep a day and watch him during our house projects or pitch in and help out, too.
There have been wonderful things about this remodel that are going to make it a much better house to occupy, but it has been CRAZY and horrible in many ways. Even though I know we’re doing the right things, some of the disadvantages like having NO AIR CONDITIONING rears its head and makes me downhearted about it all. I’m worn out, discouraged, physically in large amounts of pain, emotionally all over the place and trying to balance a new baby and my kids out on summer break.
I have loved my new little baby more than I can say. He brings me such joy. Having a wee one around has healed a lot of me I thought was beyond saving. But having him around has also ripped open so many wounds and memories that I thought were deeply buried and that I was protected from.
I realize that I’m not nearly as well protected as I thought.
Seeing bug’s stroller like that-all dusty and dirty and so forgotten and neglected made one more thing get ripped out…my heart.
It also made me firmly believe that sometimes?
Ignorance IS bliss.
Stumble it!
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Love the color of your new kitchen! Battleship gray, having a bit of trouble getting a picture of that in my head though.
And your garden! They didn’t keep it up after all the work you put in before you moved out? How could they not. Though, I guess if it was an office they may not think about it, but still…
Your butterbean is just gorgeous, but you already know that :)
Ignorance is bliss in some cases, maybe no-one else had the heart to deal with the stroller either. I was talking with a friend who is 18 months past tragedy in her life and we agreed time doesn’t heal everything, it only makes it less harsh. (Until something like a stroller comes up!)
Loving you, keep taking advantage of all the extra help as you do this.
Sending our love – the W’s.
Girl, this post makes me tired! You need a break! Maybe a trip to Chicago in a couple weeks to recharge your batteries? Try to restrain yourself from offering to redecorate the hotel lobby while you’re there and just enjoy yourself, OK!?! :-)
I love you friend. I am so sorry you are dealing with SO much right now. (((HUGS)))
The paint colors you’ve picked out are really awesome. I bet it will look fantastic when it’s all done. But that’s a lot of work you are undertaking!
The colors are gorgeous. I can’t wait to see the photos from when you’re done.
My first child was stillborn 24 years ago. I still have her hospital blanket and little pink and blue knit hat. They still break my heart when I look at and hug them.
Hoping you find more healing with your new little butterbean. He is so precious.
Sending you love, strength, prayers and hugs today and everyday
Way to go! The house is looking great! Cheers from over here!
Your little baby is adorable and entirely nom-able.
It’s amazing how little things can be so poignant and heart-wrenching. Healing is such a slow process that’s rarely ever completed. You’re doing great, you are superwoman.
I imagine it’s like riding a rollercoaster right now. Hang in there, my friend. Let yourself feel and then keep going. In some crazy way, this might end up being healing some how. xoxo
Darlin, I’m feeling you. When grief visits our lives, it feels like a cement block is encasing our hearts, blocking out all the joy and wonder around us. Sometimes, in order to feel the joy, we avoid visiting our grief. It is so scary. And life must go on. It’s what we came here for. To live. Your little butterbean is channeling unbridled love, so healing, and Matthew’s love was only waiting until you were ready to receive it. His love is just there, constant, and is waiting to heal you of your terrible guilt at ‘forgetting’, and that is a gift indeed.
Please don’t define Matthew by his death, rather, experience him as his love. His brother knows that love grows as it is shared. Your love for one does not take away from another.
Babies are so wise, aren’t they?
I keep you in my heart.
I love the red. We had a red dining area at our old house, courtesy of the prior owners. It rocked.
Your little one is just so sweet. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through.
Sending you love & hugs & stuff.
I like the red, but I *love* the grey — I’m picturing all the endless possibilities (and just added it to my future colour list)!
P.S. I just want to NOM your baby.
P.P.S. You’re an awesome mama.
P.P.P.S. I’m trying to give you a bunch of PS’s in an attempt to make you crack a grin.
P.P.P.P.S. It’s harder than it looks.
P.P.P.P.P.S. I’m not good under pressure!
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. GAH!
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Love you. ;)
ignorance WAS bliss. then i read your post “HER.” (thanks tanis) since that day a long time ago, my previously blissfully oblivious life was over. as a regular follower of yours, i was now part of your’s and jonathon’s lives. and other blogger’s lives as well. but funny thing, the CRUSHING despair you made me feel over losing matthew, made me appreciate my own son matthew in a whole new way. your matthew gave my matthew a gift. you were the conduit. and so while i am still woefully and blissfully ignorant of so MANY things, i am not nearly as laissez faire about my love and appreciation for loved ones still among us. steve (p.s. your little butterbean has me dreaming nostagically of my pre-vasectomy days.)
NOSTALGIACALLY, is that a word??
I don’t have any words that will help. This I know. But I am here and I have been thinking about you.
And? I love the red kitchen. Serious. I have always wanted to do that and chicken out each time.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that red!
I hope one of the changes is an extra bathroom for you.
My heart hurts for you and you are in my prayers. God Bless!
I can’t imagine what seeing that stroller did to you, after what it did to my heart just reading about it.
You are so strong. Hang in there.
This totally brought tears to my eyes! I understand and I agree. You now have such a wonderful gift really, in your baby. You are NOT betraying your love for Matthew by being happy (as happy as you will let yourself be) in the life you are making for yourself and family! And, even if the stroller got forgotten, Matthew will never be forgotten.
I’ve had red kitchens in three different houses. Red kitchens=the best.
I painted the kitchen in my old house red (while pregnant) and got a lot of flack about it… but it was awesome! And yours looks awesome too.
It’s nice to hear you’re doing (relatively) well and that you have all those people close to you who know how to do all those things! And a few extra hours’ sleep to boot!
I’m sure you guys will have that house ready to be your HOME in no time!
Wow, you guys are putting in a lot of work on that place. It will end up looking good though.
From one mama with a broken heart to another … *hug*
I like the paint colors, even the battleship grey. I can’t wait until I can choose a room in our new house to paint red. Right now I’m focusing on painting all of the rooms in our current house various shades of boring.
Not much to say, just virtual (hugs)
(((loralee))))
xoxo
OUCH. That had to hurt your heart like hell. So sorry. I echo the many ((HUGS)) already sent.
Birth, death, moving, and money are all in the top ten if not top five heaviest life stresses. That you are here to talk about it and CAN talk about it is a testament to your strength.
hugs