*Edit:I’ve gotten a lot of email and DM’s urging me to get on medication. I have been on 50 mg a day of Zoloft since I delivered to try and avoid PPD, so I am not sure if I am doing something wrong or if it is just that there is uber amounts of stress in my life. xo
A familiar voice has been whispering to me.
It crept up quietly amongst joyous ruckus.
I almost didn’t hear it at first; I was so loud and gleeful and it was so soft and tiny.
I tried to ignore it.
Tried to prevent it.
Tried to make my genuine joy stomp it out.
But it keeps coming no matter what I do.
Getting louder and louder.
“You are struggling.”
It is unwelcome.
Unsettling.
Unfair.
Please, please, please.
Go the fuck away.
And never, ever come back.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
“That” voice sure as hell travels fast round the world. I heard it too recently but sent it (temporarily) away.
Apropos of nothing, I’m following your blog now. xxx
I hear that voice regularly. Sometimes I can ignore it; other times I want to throw everything in.
Praying you find balance, someone to help you, especially with your move.
I just love how you put this in words!
Although both events are ‘joyous’ events they are also among the most stressful events in life.
Know that this too shall pass and try to enjoy the joyous part.
I love your blog.
Thinking of you, wishing I could help somehow.
I know that voice and I hope it gets quieter and fades away again.
You tell that voice I will beat it’s ass if it doesn’t leave you alone!
That fucking voice. I shudder at just the thought of it man. I hope you can keep your joy crushing it, I really do.
But you heard it! And you can talk back and tell it to leave you the eff alone!! Embrace it… and strangle it until it dies!! You can do it!
Shoot, it was bound to creep up in there sometime or another, he likes to follow babies. I’m hoping you can drown it out. Love you!
That voice has a creepy way of sneaking in without invitation, doesn’t it? Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. I hope you can send that voice away. Writing this (really well-written) post is a great start!
DO NOT SINK Loralee. Us womenfolk out here know about which you speak. Our unspoken, interwoven arms are laced together to keep you from falling . . .
Love,
Julie
Go get help.
At least you’re recognizing it. I didn’t recognize and lost a year of my life.
When I a sinking and going in the bad direction I would say “God get the devil out of me right now”
I am so sorry. I hate for you/anyone to hear and feel that. Just try to list off good things in your mind when the voice gets louder. Seems silly, but it helps me. Sometimes I just have to remind myself. (((HUGS)))
Oh, hon. I’m sorry to hear that. Remember, you just had a new baby and are moving. Both those things are at the top of stress lists. Keep letting us know how you’re doing and if there’s anything we can do from where we are.
That voice sucks. But you can and will crush it back down. :)
Maybe the voice is right, but struggling isn’t a bad thing. It’s not failure, or shortcoming. Do you have someone you can ask for help?
You have A TON of stuff going on right now, I don’t know a single person who would not be struggling doing what you’re doing.
You can do this.
I am glad that you are identifying it, addressing it and telling it to leave you alone. When I read the post about moving I said, out loud,”OMG I worry about her.” A baby comes along with an avalanche of hormones that are enough to do a lot of women in. Add to that moving which is listed as one of the top ten most stressful life events. Then the emotions that are tied to the location of your move.
You are doing the right thing. Keep claiming your joy-but also keep track of that damn little voice.
(((Loralee)))
God, I remember this feeling! “Struggling” describes it so well. Struggling with a new baby, with the move, with coping in general. If it doesn’t lift soon, please go to the doc. :)
Hang in there. If you need anything please let me know.
I’m sorry the idea that you’re struggling is threatening to drown you.
I can’t help with your struggles but I’m letting you know that I’m here listening, agreeing that it sucks to be struggling, struggling in my own ways next to you.
I hate that voice!
I am sorry!!!!! {{{hugs}}}
oh, honey. it will be ok. but please, do everything in your power to make it go away, now, before it gets louder.
Beautifully written. We do have struggles amongst the joy. Your poor body is still recovering from a difficult pregnancy. Moving right now means you absolutely need lots of physical help. Maybe organizing help too. The new moon in Cancer is very emotional, as it joins the sun, but it marks new beginnings where the home is concerned. What you create now, will manifest by full moon. You have the powah!
I’ll gladly share my Xanax and Prozac with you. I’m a total expert in the baby blues arena.
Right there with you. Different life circumstances, SAME EXACT FEELING. If I figure out the cure, you’ll be the first to know. Big hug for you.
Hugs, my friend. Big, tight hugs.
Sending you love and hugs and wishing I could do more.
Struggling is okay. Recognizing that you’re struggling is HUGE. Seriously, huge. We are here, your family is here. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. ((Hugs))
This post really hits home…My son is 12 weeks old and I was really struggling too.
You will not even realize how sleep deprived you are until you start getting some real sleep. Arrange help so you can get at least 6 straight hours…turn off monitor and sleep!
Keep talking about how you feel…tell anyone who will listen. My dr kept saying, “In six weeks you will feel better” …well, I was having trouble with six minutes!! I talked to my family, friends and I blogged about it. I finally had to go on some medication but I am (finally) enjoying my son!
Hang in there, get some sleep and be kind to yourself:-)
Amy
I can’t tell you how vividly I felt those words in my heart and in my gut.
I’m in the “get help” camp, because you hear the voice and recognize it right now. You know that voice possesses a fierce undertow that can suck you down before you realize what’s happening. I don’t ever want to relive the year of my life lost to PPD, and I know you have your own demons of the past. Please find someone.
Many hugs.
We’ve all been there…you have a lot going on in your life right now. My son is 4, and I still have that feeling.
This time will pass….
You have so much going on right now, that it’s really no wonder. It sneaks in, unwanted and unloved as it may be. Just invites itself in and makes itself all friendly like.
I struggle with this often.
All I can say is we’re all here for you. Keep talking and breathing. Hopefully that voice will start to fade soon. Take it one day at a time. (((hugs)))
Hey girl. I’m with you too… Different stuff going on, but certainly struggling. It feels like I’m treading water with a cinder block tied to my ankle… The longer I tread the more tired I get and that block, while really is unchanging, begins feeling heavier and heavier.
Here’s hoping for better times for both of us.
I had this feeling on Saturday especially. It comes and goes and sometimes I give it more credence than it deserves. As long as we are not sitting still, we are moving in a forward direction. We are just being too hard on ourselves for not doing everything we’d like to be doing, but sometimes it’s just not possible. We can only do what we can.
I read your tweet and just wanted to say that ppd can hit up to a year after birth. Also, you may just need a little extra zoloft. I was on 50 for a while when I realized my “stuff” was coming back. They upped me to 100 and it worked so well. Hang in there! You have a lot on your plate. It WILL get better!
loralee, there is NO way us big hairy, belchin’ macho dudes can even begin to comprehend what you are going through. just isn’t possible. i don’t know squat about the reality of post partum depression and exhaustion overlaying the bliss of having given birth to an incredibly precious life. i can’t. but……. i CAN say without equivocation that us less evolved beings,(men) can still care deeply about you. (in a healthy blogosphere kinda way) i’m sending positive thoughts, smiles and prayers your way. steve
Oh hang in there sweetie. And definitely talk to someone about upping or changing meds. I am taking anti-d for 3rd time in my life, but first time with Kaiser where they are really big on follow-up and not just generalities “how do you feel?” but specifics “do you feel tired?” “if so, all day, or part day?” “if part day, when does it start, how long does it last?” “do you feel stressed?” “does it make you feel like fight, run or hide?” etc. and also more willing to try (and follow up on) different dosages, different meds, different combinations and I must say it is way better. This time I would say I feel 50% better at three months in which is better than I ever felt after six to nine months under my previous care. Anyhow, sorry so long-winded, my point is don’t give up hope just because this dosage of zoloft isn’t working, there are still lots of other options for you.
Oh My… I got into huge trouble with another blogger who shall stay nameless because I don’t want to give him traffic, who called me “holier than thou” and accused me of being critical of his life when I offered my advice (even though he didn’t specifically ask for it, he shared many personal details of his feelings about the men he was dating–including pictures!!). So, no advice.
Ahh, forget it! You have so much on your plate, Loralee, plus you thought that this may happen and prepared for it. Your pregnancy was so challenging and you’re still recovering from that, plus a move! Yikes! I wish that I could be there to help you pack boxes, or even watch over your beautiful boy so you could get some well deserved rest. But since I can’t get to Utah, I’m sending lots of love. I hope that this wasn’t judgemental or holier than thou (I’m sorry to drop this here, but that guy got me so upset that I didn’t want to comment anywhere, again, ever).
Also sending a big “I understand” & an “I’ve been there.” You are doing everything so right, Loralee, Really.
Just one more thing, I agree with some of the other lovely commenters. Perhaps a change in dosage or type of meds may help.
Things WILL get better. Now if only we could all just get to Utah to help Loralee pack!
Many hugs to you ma’am. I will be praying for you.
not sure if I left a comment yet, since this window happened to be open all night on my computer. But honey-much love to you. You have gone thru a heck of a lot this past few months and there is more coming. I would def. call your doc & maybe they can adjust your zoloft. Hormones are a bitch, especially post partum ones (not that I need to tell you.) Know we are here for you, even if you just need to rant to feel more normal. I can’t wait to give you the biggest hug at BlogHer. xoxo
Kisses, luv. I know that you are doing what you can to get through this, but let others help when they can. Love you!
Hormones are a two-edged sword. On one hand, they make you curvy and lovely and give you the ability to give birth and nurse children and menstruate. They are what make you a woman and the list of nice things about that is as long as your arm. But on the other hand – the hand I wish there was a way to cut off – they fuck with your mind. On a regular basis. Everything there is about being a woman that sucks is directly related to the way hormones do you. But you wouldn’t be a woman without them. Catch-22.
It really sucks that such an amazing wonderful time can also be so dark. It took 7 months after the birth of my THIRD for me to realize I needed help. Zoloft has been the best thing for me, my children and my marriage. Such a beautiful post!
FWIW…Zoloft did nothing for me. Sometimes some meds aren’t the best thing for some people. The meds I’m on now, are lifesavers. Literally.