I don’t think that there is a human alive that doesn’t miss someone.
Most people have had someone they love pass away and even if they have been lucky enough to be sheltered thus far by death, you can miss people who have moved, or people that you used to be close to but are not any longer, love that has been broken and relationships that have altered or ended. Everyone has experience where the tense changes with those people and relationships. Where it goes from, “I know them well” to “I knew them well”, “I love them” to “I loved them”.
I think that is just a fact of life. Often you never stop missing them, you just get more used to it.
I also think that those who have died miss the family and loved ones that are still on the earth. I imagine that while they want them to have full, happy lives, they are as eager to be reunited with loved ones as those they left behind are.
I have to believe that because I know that I would want that. No sense of higher understanding and a heaven of perfect happiness could change it. I cannot BE perfectly happy without the people I love most and if I were to die today I would yearn for those I love and be anxious until we were all together again.
My Little Bug would have been six-years-old today.
He has had six birthdays and he never got to celebrate even one of them with us.
Every year on Matthew’s birthday my family chooses not to visit the cemetery where he is buried. We just went for Memorial Day and his birthday is a day that we all want to celebrate the joy that was our little redheaded boy. So instead, we go out and do something fun as a family.
This year we went out to lunch and then went to a matinee of Up, the new Pixar movie about an elderly widower who goes on an adventure after his wife of many years passes away. It is a wonderful, bittersweet movie that I highly recommend to everyone.
This birthday of Matthew’s is a lot like Memorial Day for me. I am so much more emotional, but the pain isn’t as acute as other years. I know this is because of the arrival of our Little Sweetpea, Aaron. He has brought so much healing to my little family and those who love and miss Matthew.
On the car ride home we discussed the movie with the boys and James remarked that there was a lot of sadness in the film. I told him that was the entire point of the movie; that even though you lose someone and it causes you pain and grief, you can still go on to find joy and happiness in life even though you are sad and miss the person that is gone.
Everyone was silent for a moment and then Christopher piped up, ‘I think that was the perfect movie to see for Matthew’s birthday. We all miss him but are so happy with our new little brother.”
I choked up and replied that it really WAS a prefect movie to go to today and saw tears gathering in my husbands eyes as he drove.
I thought about how joyous and happy our time has been since having a new little baby.
How full of happiness my heart is.
And even though I am so very, very happy?
I miss my son.
I miss my Matthew.
I will never stop missing him, I just think that I will continue to get used to it until everyone I love is all together again. Because even though we are so much happier? We are not a complete family without our redheaded little one.
Happy Birthday, Little Bug.
I love you forever and a day.
xoxoxo,
Your mama.
Filed under: 
We miss you, little bug.
Beautifully shared.
LL-
We just got back from UP as well…
Thinking of you today.
Gretchen
I love you friend. I had no idea that Matthew and Dalin shared a birthday. Lots of special babes born on 6/7.
Huge internet hugs until I can wrap my arms around you for reals!
Beautiful post!!!!
I love that you all do something fun together to celebrate Matthew.
Hugs my friend!
Happy Birthday to Matthew! Thank you for sharing his day with us over the internet!
Beautiful post.
I’m sorry.
((((HUGS))))
Happy birthday to Matthew. I love you, Lor.
Christopher is a smart little man.
Love to you all today, and every day.
Christopher’s words brought tears to my eyes. Happy Birthday bug.
Hugs to you.
oh honey…i miss matthew too. i am so sorry. elijah would have been 6 this year too.
missing birthdays are hard.
Sending love. Your family is beautiful.
Perfectly said. Of course you will never ever get over his death and you will miss him terribly until the day you are with him again- but you have made the hard but right choice to keep living yourself. I have seen too many people who have lost children that find themselves so completely mired in the grief, that years and years later, it continues to define every aspect of their existence and they forget to continue living- I think that would break the heart of the one who is on the other side of the veil to see- I believe that Matthew would be totally relieved to see your family celebrating together and enjoying your new little darlin’-
I’m so glad you do a family thing for Matthew’s birthday. Hugs to you and all of yours.
Hug to all of you.
I know how hard the birthdays and anniversaries are.
My love is with you.
Happy Birthday to Bug.
I cried many many times during Up. I loved it.
Beautifully said, Loralee.
Well said! I agree that was the main message of Up. I saw the movie with my Mom and I think it was a good message for both of us. To remember the good times with my Dad, but to continue on and have our own adventures.
Happy Birthday Little Bug.
xoxo to you my friend.
((((hugs))))
That brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful little boy. Happy Birthday, Matthew. Love and blessings to you and your family.
As a sibling who found her brother passed away from SIDS and watched as her father (a dr) and her mother (a nurse) tried frantically to revive him, to no avail. I know you will never stop missing or loving Matthew. He is a beautiful boy and I have you in my thoughts and prayers today. Thank you for sharing. xxx
What smart children you’ve been blessed with. We saw Up and I agree that was a great way to celebrate, it really does teach many lessons. Thanks for sharing.
It just feels like a kick to my ribs everytime I see little Matthews beautiful face and think that he’s not with you guys. I want to take it away and give him back to you so you can enjoy him and he can run and play with his brothers. I cannot begin to imagine your pain and I’m glad you celebrated Matthews life today. Happy Birthday little guy…clearly you are loved and missed.
Happy Birthday, Matthew.
I agree, Up was the perfect movie to see today. It had me in tears, but in a good way. I’m sure it was the same for all of you.
Future birthdays, I can totally picture you telling Aaron about his big brother and how much he lit up your lives in the brief time he was here on earth.
*sniff*
Very sweet.
*hugs*
((hugs))
what a beautiful post. Happy birthday to your sweet little bug….
Happy Birthday Matthew. Dear Choate Family, we love you always – The Wylykanowitz Family
Happy Birthday Little Man. Loralee, I am thinking about you today and always! *Hugs*
love to you, sweets.
lots of it.
That was beautiful!
I especially love how “spot on” your boys are. I think you’re raising them well.
Happy Birthday, Matthew.
{HUGS} to you all.
I found your blog from Blog Nosh. Your writing never ceases to amaze me. I can’t even begin to imagine losing a child and trying to cope with that. One of your previous posts has really stuck with me. You talk about how someone asked your sister how long it’s been since Matthew’s passing and they couldn’t believe 5 years. I can’t imagine that it would ever be easy. My husband and I were talking about it this weekend, and it just breaks my heart. I’m so glad you are able to still enjoy life and your family. That is the ultimate tribute to Matthew.
So absolutely beautiful.
Beautiful, touching post. I love that you choose to celebrate the day in his honor. Happy birthday Matthew.
I am relatively new to you. MommyMelee tweeted about your beautiful Aaron and I’ve been following ever since.
This post is beautiful. I understand that you want to do something happy on Matthew’s birthday. I totally get it and I think it’s wonderful.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Beautiful and moving.
Happy Birthday Bug.
(((HUGS)))
big burly, hairy, unshaven, macho concrete contractors DO NOT! get misty eyed reading a mommyblog. i’m serious, no really, it’s true, i swear! steve
:)
Quite possibly ONE of the best things you’ve ever written. Just lovely…
I’m so glad that you are finding some peace through Aaron. It’s wonderful. It sounds like you had a wonderful day in honor of your little Bug. (Hugs)
I can’t even imagine, Loralee. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out trying my hardest NOT to imagine it, but every time I read about Matthew I can’t help but look at my girls and think that I could have (still could) lost them just as easily and it breaks my heart.
I’m so happy that you and your family have found a good way to cope with your loss together. I hear of so many families torn apart by the loss of a child and it really makes me grateful for you guys that you’re able to hold together.
Give baby Aaron lots of kisses for us! Gracie says hi! :)
You will always feel the void of Matthew. He was flesh of your flesh. For a mother its like you are always aware of someone missing no matter how many children you have.
My daughter was born May 18, 1989 died 3 months later. She would have turned 20 years old this past May and her brothers & I all thought about Sweet Sarah on May 18th. When you loose a parent you loose the past but when you loose a child you loose the future…….
Bless you & your family.
Ugh…I am so sorry. I know this never gets easier. I love you, girl. xo
Hugs to you, and happy birthday to your sweet boy.
Blessings to you, Matthew, Aaron, their brothers and your husband on this day. Glad to hear that though the ache of losing Matthew will never disappear your heart is also filled with joy and peace.
Thanks for letting me stop by once in a while. You make me smile, sometimes cry but mostly I laugh.
You family is beautiful.
I am all choked up now. I know how you feel, not the same circumstances, but I lost my baby boy long years ago. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him, and wish…
Having a death and grief in a family; especially of a child never goes away. Ti simply makes the moments with those we still have just that much more precious.
Enjoy your Sweatpea. Your Little Bug, well he rejoices that your hearts are full of love, joy and the newness of his little brother.
I am so glad I found your blog. I understand this post oh so well. My daughter died when she was 8 months old. She was my oldest and would be 6 1/2. It bites the big one doesn’t it?
I won’t feel complete until everyone I love is with me either.
Much love your way as you think of your sweet angel boy.
Happy Birthday to Matthew.
Of course these posts of yours always make me cry. Just beautiful. And what a beautiful connection to make…
Aw, happy birthday, little man. Sounds like you commemorated his day just right :)