1 BILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS!

I’ve been reading about the internet success celebrities have been having lately. It’s irritating, people. Do they have to have fame in EVERY corner of the world? Why must they come in and steal what little bit of narcissistic, self-serving fame us internet dorks have managed to acquire in the online world!?

FAIL!

FAIL ON THAT! AND A PLAGUE ON BOTH THEIR HOUSES!

It’s left me feeling a little down and out. Only not in Beverly Hills.Don’t these people understand it is supposed to be all about ME?!

Me, me, me! There must be more about ME in the world! More adoration! More attention!

I NEED TO RULE THE INTERNET! NOTHING CAN STOP MY NEED! IT IS NEVER ENOUGH! NEVERRRRR!!!!!!!

Except I’m kind of a sloth when it comes to the internet. And I can be really weird. Neither of these make for internet awesomeness and domination.

Plus, I am terribly long-winded for a blogger. Yes, you may die before reaching the end of this post, so pack some food and water. However, there are photos at the bottom that make it so fraking long. And they’re funny as hell so it will TOTALLY be worth it. (And if it isn’t, I will give you my first born. But I have to warn you he just announced his life goal is to be an underwear model. Just so you know.)

I MUST find a way to foil celebrities and expand (Or, um, START!) my internet empire!

What to do?

Wait! The answer to this is so obvious, I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. (No, the answer I’m thinking of is not “work harder”, you freaking imbecile!)

PLAGIARISM.

That’s it!  I’ll rip off blog posts and climb to internet rock star status without having to think up this shit on a consistent basis myself!

I will be the IT GIRL OF THE BLOGOSPHERE!

Although, on second thought, maybe not.

That is a lot of work.  Combing the internet to find good, stolen material to rip off and publish would take forever by itself. No, I’m just too lazy to be an awesome blog plagiarist. Besides, blog plagiarism has been around FOREVER. It’s sooooo 2006. I need to be more cutting edge if I am to take over the universe.

What is an attention-starved internet pioneer wannabe to do, my friends?

TWITTER!

Twitter is a ripe, virgin area for plagiarism. Tweets are SHORT. Easy to read. Collect. “Borrow”.

All the world is ablaze talking about Twitter. You can’t flip on a tv talk show or read a pop culture magazine article without some celebrity announcing that, “You can follow me on Twitter!”. Even Barbara Walters is tweeting about the elastic being shot in her granny panties for Pete’s sake.

As everyone with a computer pretty much knows, Ashton Kutcher (aplusk) became the first Twitterer to reach 1 MILLION! FOLLOWERS!!!! Because being a super rich movie star married to the hottest cougar on the planet wasn’t enough for him, I guess.

New plan: I AM TOTALLY GOING TO BE A TWITTER INTERNET ROCKSTAR!

I already have a Twitter account for people to follow me n’ stuff! I’m lazy as hell, so we’ll stick to my user name (looneytunes, of course) and account. I already have one plus in my avatar. Here it is:

It’s highly recognizable and I’ve been using it forever so it is long established. And it secures me a following in the ninja/burka wearing Twitter demographic.

Account: Check. Avatar: Check.  I need a goal, though. A moment where I know I have reached Twitter Nirvana. Kutcher has a million followers, so the answer for my goal is obvious.

Screw you, Ashton Kutcher! Soon, I will be the first Twitterer with 1 BILLION FOLLOWERS! And then the world shall be mine! MUWAH HA HA HA HAA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Also, I think my FABULOUS Photoshop Skillz will TOTALLY help.)

This is such a good plan. I mean, I do okay on Twitter and all, but I am no rockstar. Some people seem to like my random Twitter stream, but it is NOT for everyone.

I tend to lose followers after tweets like this:

So, I attempt to tweet something all cheery and innocuous:

And people start tweeting cupcake horror stories and sounds of lone banjos in the hills of the movie Deliverance where forcible man love tends to leave a lasting impression.

It’s OBVIOUS that I have to find a way to be more well-rounded if I am to meet my goal of 1 BILLION FOLLOWERS!

Let’s see…I’ll need things that apply to most people but that I also have SOME interest in. For example? I will just say NO! to all sports tweets. I CAN totally be down with gaming tweets, however:

Totally not including the “I’m such a nerd/geek that I’m 35 and play D&D in my mom’s basement while eating Funyons and chugging Mountain Dew with my platonic life partners” type of gaming tweets.

Wait, I HAVE to include the nerds and geeks because it is the internet and overwhelmingly populated with them???

DAMMIT.

Ok, FINE. YOU WIN. Nerds and geeks can play. But I am NOT going to wear a metal bikini and swing from a rope with a short guy with a lightsaber. Some things just will NOT happen in this quest. Period.

There needs to be a strong female influence in my tweets. Something that all women can respect and relate to:

We have something for the soon-to-be-mommy blogging crowd:

And the already-a-mommy-crowd:

And for the marrieds out there:

And those that express interest in the arts:

Reaching out to parents on solving parenting and relationship challenges in creative ways is essential:

Addressing important issues is vital. I’ll be sensitive to the effects of the economy. (I think I’ll let the penis thing stand. It will create a sense of mystery and intrigue. Or make people mutter “WTF?!” which wouldn’t be bad, either.):

While we’re at it, it wouldn’t hurt to be one of the most influential women on the internet.Since I have almost 7,000 tweets I think I might get away with the “non-mom” part.People may forget I have launched a couple of spawn through my hoo-hoo.  Then I can use it as additional “SEE! I RELATE TO YOU NON-MOMMY BLOGGERS!” power):

I need to show fierceness and all sorts of awesome “I WILL kick your ass”, tempered with restraint:

AND that I can kick back and relax with the best of them:

And that sometimes kicking back and relaxing can be carried a bit too far (in understandably awesome ways):

It never hurts to get randy and show a bit of “YEE HAW! RIDE ME(US) LIKE THE COWGIRL(S) I(WE) AM(ARE)!” online. Sex sells, yo.

To counter balance aforementioned randiness, I’ll also toss in something a wee bit more conservative without actually having to talk about politics: As much as sex sells? Tweeting politics is risky. And I have a sensitive stomach.

Then there is the whole mentioning Jesus thing. (Though you always take a bit of risk bringing up the big JC as some get their knickers in a big old wad over it all. Jesus is BIG on Twitter. As big as sex is, I think Jesus MIGHT be bigger.)

And since we have tweets about Jesus we can’t very well leave out the Jews, right? Especially when they tweet like THIS:

Of course, I need to be open to alternative forms of worship, too.

And for those who just seem to relish in nature:

I imagine as I get closer to having 1 BILLION FOLLOWERS! I will have more influence. Like deciding to start a Twitter movement where everyone tweets a word at random and it echos through the blogosphere:

BUT, it is always essential, when being an internet icon, to portray humility and let the little people know that you are human and struggle, too! (Also, if the previous “Penis” tweet didn’t leave them wondering, this surely will):

And, I It probably wouldn’t hurt to name drop a time or two on my near climb to victory, right? I’m sure SOMEONE follows this Oprah chick.

It will take a lot of time, energy, blood, tears and sweat from the backs of, um, other people, but I’m awesome enough, and deserving enough of the accolades, to cope with the glittering fame. (We won’t waste time bickering and arguing about who killed who.)

Isn’t this a beautiful sight?

I totally deserve it.

Statcounter tells me so.

Having 1 BILLION FOLLOWERS! is truly humbling, people.

For reals.

I love you all.

But, ya know, mainly I love me.

P.S. A big, fat THANK YOU to all bloggity people who let me bastardize use their tweets. I don’t have to clarify that the interpretation of their words and the “art work” involved is totally my call and I don’t speak for any of the authors, right?

P.P.S. I did NOT obtain permission from The Ellen Show nor Ashton Kutcher. But I would TOTALLY be willing to talk about that with them any time they want. Hee.

P.P.P.S. Since this post HAD to end at some point, I could not represent all areas of interest. Nor find anyone who tweets in Latin. Bummer.

P.P.P.P.S. I swear if one person takes any part of this seriously I will stick a fork in my eye and possibly start eating my hair.