* UPDATE (on the update. Hee.) :Snarky emailer from my post scripts actually wrote and apologized. It helped.

This blog hasn’t been the most shiny, happy, blog in the world lately, huh?

I blog about maybe 5% of what is going on with me and my situation and things that are ripping through my life and right now?

THINGS EFFING SUCK.

In pretty much every direction.

This should be such a happy time and I know that.  I thought it would be. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but the amount of “GAH!” has whipped my fanny with surprise and dismay. (Please let it get better when the baby is here.)

I’m at the end of my rope. I’m dealing with things that I can’t write about. Besides life suck beyond my control, some things have caused a carefully crafted card house to be blown to hell. Repeatedly. The results of everything are overwhelming. Disillusionment and realities sinking in in some areas of my life have left me in a toilet of depression-sad, disappointed, and bitter. (Realities tend to do that you know.)

It’s pretty bad. 

And some of it seeps through to this blog.

I write a few things out here so that I can get through this breathing and not go to pieces around my children. I use everything positive I have to keep it together in front of them, so I really appreciate the ear you lend when I need to talk HERE. It’s my grown up place to go to shit when I really need to.

I try not to have it be all there is, though. I don’t want my blog to be a place of perpetual whining and boo-hooing, but this is my life right now. I have to find somewhere to place some of the things that are going wrong or I will combust, start eating my hair or play in traffic. Or all of the above.

There IS positive: Wee Baby Aaron is doing well. (Which is the very most important thing.) I take more comfort in that then I can tell you. There have been worries but right now he is great!

I had an appointment with my OBGYN today.  As I said earlier,I have a really low hemoglobin count and have felt really crappy latey.  It’s beyond my normal “ick” and I’ve nosedived to the point that it’s been concerning everyone.

My OBGYN appointments take a long time. Besides all the same old same old all pregnant women go through, I have to do a lot of blood/needle ick and pee into cups. Then I’m hooked up and do a 30-minute stress test at every appointment (and we’ll be getting detailed ultrasounds weekly to check for blood clots, etc. from this point on). 

It IS fun to watch the monitors and belts move around with him and hear him swimming and kicking though the monitor but it’s also boring and I pass the time by wondering all sorts of weirdo things in my head. (Today it was, ‘I wonder if anyone has gotten it on in this room all Grey’s Anatomy style?’). 

This appointment was even longer because we had to wait for lab results on my hemoglobin levels.

My doctor came in and said, ‘The good news is the baby is looking great! The bad news is your tests are pretty bad and you look road hammered.”

Great.

I resemble road kill.

Heh.

My hemoglobin levels had dropped .40

So…what to do.

He wanted to admit me immediately and we both immediately agreed. Because y’all, I felt horrible when I came in and through the appointment. So sick and panting and my vision was spotty and grey on the edges. Jon even gave me a foot rub without me begging. I just wanted to feel better.

So we told the doctor to go ahead and hospitalize me and he left the exam room. 

After he left I was realized I was really thirsty and that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day because I was on the phone with people and locksmiths and Volkswagen dealerships.

Because I lost the only key to my car.

It happened on my trip down to Salt Lake. 

Replacing a key on a VW SUCKS, people.  As if the car didn’t suck enough because you can only recline the seat by using a WHEEL, replacing the key is horribly expenisve and a total pain in the ass.

When all is said and done it will be close to the $300 mark.

Oh, AND I HAVE TO TOW MY FREAKING CAR NINTEY MILES DOWN TO THE CAR DEALERSHIP TO HAVE ONE MADE. They told me they have to do that for all VWs past the year 2000.

Did you all pick up on my whining about that NINETY MILES thing? 

Good. Just checking.

I feel heartsick about the whole thing. 

Anyway, where were we?

Oh, yeah. I hadn’t done anything but talk on the phone getting price quotes today and so neglected to eat or drink anything.  So, I gulped down water. A LOT of water.

And while the doctor was out making arrangements for my admit, I started feeling better. It wasn’t a miracle cure but it did take the edge off how bad I felt to feel more manageable. Hydration always helps.

When he came back, I explained my situation, reminded him they have ruled my pregnancy a preexisting condition and that we are having a very difficult time in addition to our family expenses just keeping up with the $400 monthly insurance premium JUST FOR ME (that is paying for NOTHING) and all the bills we have amassed already and the baby hadn’t even come.

I told him I didn’t want to jeopardize the baby but since he was doing well, if we could try any other method to raise my levels before hospitalizing me it would really help my peace of mind and stress levels.

Just to please try some option for ONE week to see if hospitalization can be avoided.

It was really tough to make myself say because I knew it would make me feel much better RIGHT AWAY. You know how bad it is when I am welcoming needles and hospitals.

But the financial stress I’m staring at and am under is killing us and I carry so much guilt about how defective I am already.

Jon pointed out to the doctor that they had only informed me of my condition Friday and it could be that my levels did drop but COULD be on the way up since we have hugely increased my dosage and iron-rich foods in my diet.

“True. It could be. And the baby is fine but this is about her health. There are big risks with this condition at her stage…I look at her and she looks very sick. ”

(Gee, thanks! Hee.)

So, after SIX HOURS of going back and forth about keeping me or not and doing some more tests getting a shot and going over my treatment regime and risks, he agreed to let me go home with a list of things that I would go to the ER if any of them started happening or if any of my symptoms got worse. 

He went on to explain his concerns about me and what could happen if we don’t get my levels up. BUT he also said that the harm in waiting a week to see how I’m responding shouldn’t be horribly risky. He said he felt ok releasing me, he wouldn’t let me go if he didn’t, but wished that our insurance situation was better.

Don’t we all.

I wish I could have just said, “Of COURSE! Admit me right now!” without worry. Or at least gulp, add up what 20% of it would run me and still agree, but that isn’t how it is.

So, there we are. 

I still feel sick and like crap, but the worry about what hospitalization would do to my family would be a much worse feeling, I think.

I’m going to keep my hopes up that my levels rise and I don’t have to go into the hospital until I’m ready to have this baby.

Thanks for the ear. I really appreciate it.

P.S. I got a snarky email suggesting I was hinting at help from people. UM, NO. I would die. I can handle this it’s just very stressful and difficult for my family. The only help I need is emotional support.

P.P.S. Holy HELL, my feet are HUGE.

P.P.P.S. Love you all. xo 

Happy Earth Day, everyone. This is me in my very favorite geographical location in the world (so far): SCOTLAND.

It was taken seconds after seeing my first thistle. (I know it grows where I live but this is SCOTTISH thistle, yo! TOTALLY different. Hee.)

I traveled there on a trip to the UK a few years ago with my fabulous friend, Michelle.
It was THE trip of my life. We had THE best time and I will never forget it.

It is not hard to see why Scotland is my choice. I love everything from the climate and scenery to the history and people. It is GORGEOUS:

We even spotted the Loch Ness monster during our picnic on the banks. (Totally hair-curling, no?)
I think that no matter where else I travel in this world of our, this will be the place and the trip closest to my heart. It grabbed hold and will never let go.

I know there is more to Earth Day like being green and recyling and conservation, but others are so much better to write about that. My point of this post is to give a hearty appreciation to the earth and tell you my favorite place on it.

And to have an excuse to post this video again.

I could watch this commercial over and over and over again. It just makes me happy and appreciative. (Plus, I am super fond of The Discovery Channel.)

Watch it. I bet it makes you grin.

And you? What is your favorite place in the world?

It’s been an interesting weekend full of good and bad.

The Good:

WICKED: The Musical.

It took me 8 hours to get them on Halloween day, but I bought tickets for Jonathan’s 10th anniversary present from me. I wanted him to see it because I was blown away when I saw it with my friend, Michelle, in London. 

So, yesterday we went with our friends, Max and Brigitte down to Salt Lake for food and theater and had a great time. The show in London was better but it was still exceptional. I cried during parts of it. I wish I could blame it on hormones but I cried when I saw it in London, too.

There was a huge glitch in the show, though. Seconds before they started the duet “For good” (the most emotional part of the show at the end) a fuse blew and the power went out in the theater.  I felt so bad for the actresses. Having something like that happen during a show sucks, especially during SUCH an emotional scene.  They exited, the curtain came down and after they fixed it, they rewound a little and restarted. They handled it like the professionals they were but it did break the mood for the audience.

We all had a great time but physically it was a really tough day with an hour and a half drive each way, lunch and walking up flights of stairs to be crammed into little seats for over three hours.

I had to keep going to the bathroom during lunch to throw up and put my head between my knees. Afterwards I felt so lightheaded and icky and Jonathan pretty much carry me back to the car to lay down and I was literally panting and gasping like a freaking dog, it was so hard to catch my breath. I’m still not sure how I made through the show. 

I feel pretty hammered today.

Which brings me to The Bad:

About a week-and-a-half ago I went in for a huge (and long) OBGYN appointment: detailed ultrasound, shots, exams and lots of tests ordered.  

I am usually a pretty low energy girl. I have light anemia from my bypass and over all? I’m just not a bundle of “GO!” like some people are. During this pregnancy, It’s been exacerbated but I’ve pretty much just made fun of myself about it-light hearted mocking that I would take a shower and I have to lay down in the bathtub to catch my breath from shampooing and then be too worn out to towel off or blow dry my hair.

It was a little funny.

Until lately.

I have been having some symptoms that have really escalated and it has gotten to the point of worry and true misery. I have mentioned it to my husband more and more often that it seems to get worse daily.

My chest pounds from the smallest exertion and I am out of breath ALL THE TIME. I feel lightheaded and faint and I am so freaking tired (not necessarily sleepy just totally fatigued). Just sitting up for more than 30 minutes starts to suck and makes me feel totally lame.  

I can’t walk far without stopping and even when I’m just hanging at home I have to lay down every few minutes or I start feeling breathless, light headed and the edges of my vision go spotty and grey.

We thought it was probably just going with the territory of the last weeks of pregnancy and that I am a freakishly weak person.

I DID mention being breathless and tired and faint at my appointment but since I have a history of anemia and these are normal symptoms in the last trimester and since my blood pressure is low, no one was really concerned. I just needed to be careful standing up and rest.

BUT.

My doctor’s office called on Friday and an urgent sounding nurse told me that my blood tests had come back in. 

“You have anemia.”

“I know. So does the doctor. I always have some anemia from my gastric bypass and that is why I have been on extra iron.”

“No, we know about that. You have developed severe anemia. For pregnancy, low is below 12.0. Although because we are at a very high altitude below 14.0 is considered low. At the start of your pregnancy you were at 9.5. Low, but not alarming. We look at drops in the 10th of points with concern. If you had dropped to 9.0 that difference would not be good. Right now you are at a 7.6. So, if you subtract the accounting for extra hemogloblin because of our high altitude from that number it puts you more in the under 6.0 category, which, well…you are extremely, severely low and we need to get you seen right away.”

Blink, blink, blinkity-blink-blink.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not.”

Now, when I use terms like “extremely and severe” well…I’m theatrical and dramatic so it’s more a description of ME and how I filter a situation.  When someone as no-nonsense as this woman says terms like that it tends to freak me out.  My doctor is out of the office today and since I have an appointment on Wednesday, we decided to just stick with that.

I talked and got some information from the nurse.  The thing is, I am not really sure how much can be done to reverse the situation or what they are going to do.  She said anemia of this level is difficult to reverse on a regular patient but it’s particularly complicated with my history. (I can’t be on blood thinners and eat most iron rich foods, etc.)

Yay!

She said injections, transfusion and hospitalization in my case are all very possible but we have no idea what this means for me and the baby or what treatment will be until I see the doctor. I’ve upped my iron A LOT until then and am increasing the iron rich foods I’m allowed.  There’s not really much more I can do then that for now.

I have no idea how big a deal this is. It could be no big deal at all. I’m just mainly reacting to the nurses reaction and how I’ve felt. I’m avoiding reading up on it on the internet because I think it may freak me out more than help.

I’m NOT looking forward to some of the options she threw out for treatment (they all seem to either involve needles and/or holy expensive hospitalization, Batman). 

However,  I feel like leftover crap and would love to be able to feel better.

In the mean time, if anyone has dealt with really low hemoglobin and treatments and stuff it would be groovy if you could give me some advice or information.

The Care Bear: (Do they have “Bitchy Gestating Bear? If so, I would TOTALLY be that one. I do wonder what my logo would be, though.)

I’m at 34 weeks and at this point I can say with total confidence that I COULD TOTALLY TAKE ANY OF YOU DOWN WITH “THE CARE BEAR STARE”. 

Anemia or not, your asses would be mine with the power of THIS TUMMY, bitches. 

Heh.

I’ll let you know how it goes on Wednesday.