* UPDATE (on the update. Hee.) :Snarky emailer from my post scripts actually wrote and apologized. It helped.
This blog hasn’t been the most shiny, happy, blog in the world lately, huh?
I blog about maybe 5% of what is going on with me and my situation and things that are ripping through my life and right now?
THINGS EFFING SUCK.
In pretty much every direction.
This should be such a happy time and I know that. I thought it would be. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but the amount of “GAH!” has whipped my fanny with surprise and dismay. (Please let it get better when the baby is here.)
I’m at the end of my rope. I’m dealing with things that I can’t write about. Besides life suck beyond my control, some things have caused a carefully crafted card house to be blown to hell. Repeatedly. The results of everything are overwhelming. Disillusionment and realities sinking in in some areas of my life have left me in a toilet of depression-sad, disappointed, and bitter. (Realities tend to do that you know.)
It’s pretty bad.
And some of it seeps through to this blog.
I write a few things out here so that I can get through this breathing and not go to pieces around my children. I use everything positive I have to keep it together in front of them, so I really appreciate the ear you lend when I need to talk HERE. It’s my grown up place to go to shit when I really need to.
I try not to have it be all there is, though. I don’t want my blog to be a place of perpetual whining and boo-hooing, but this is my life right now. I have to find somewhere to place some of the things that are going wrong or I will combust, start eating my hair or play in traffic. Or all of the above.
There IS positive: Wee Baby Aaron is doing well. (Which is the very most important thing.) I take more comfort in that then I can tell you. There have been worries but right now he is great!
I had an appointment with my OBGYN today. As I said earlier,I have a really low hemoglobin count and have felt really crappy latey. It’s beyond my normal “ick” and I’ve nosedived to the point that it’s been concerning everyone.
My OBGYN appointments take a long time. Besides all the same old same old all pregnant women go through, I have to do a lot of blood/needle ick and pee into cups. Then I’m hooked up and do a 30-minute stress test at every appointment (and we’ll be getting detailed ultrasounds weekly to check for blood clots, etc. from this point on).
It IS fun to watch the monitors and belts move around with him and hear him swimming and kicking though the monitor but it’s also boring and I pass the time by wondering all sorts of weirdo things in my head. (Today it was, ‘I wonder if anyone has gotten it on in this room all Grey’s Anatomy style?’).
This appointment was even longer because we had to wait for lab results on my hemoglobin levels.
My doctor came in and said, ‘The good news is the baby is looking great! The bad news is your tests are pretty bad and you look road hammered.”
Great.
I resemble road kill.
Heh.
My hemoglobin levels had dropped .40
So…what to do.
He wanted to admit me immediately and we both immediately agreed. Because y’all, I felt horrible when I came in and through the appointment. So sick and panting and my vision was spotty and grey on the edges. Jon even gave me a foot rub without me begging. I just wanted to feel better.
So we told the doctor to go ahead and hospitalize me and he left the exam room.
After he left I was realized I was really thirsty and that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day because I was on the phone with people and locksmiths and Volkswagen dealerships.
Because I lost the only key to my car.
It happened on my trip down to Salt Lake.
Replacing a key on a VW SUCKS, people. As if the car didn’t suck enough because you can only recline the seat by using a WHEEL, replacing the key is horribly expenisve and a total pain in the ass.
When all is said and done it will be close to the $300 mark.
Oh, AND I HAVE TO TOW MY FREAKING CAR NINTEY MILES DOWN TO THE CAR DEALERSHIP TO HAVE ONE MADE. They told me they have to do that for all VWs past the year 2000.
Did you all pick up on my whining about that NINETY MILES thing?
Good. Just checking.
I feel heartsick about the whole thing.
Anyway, where were we?
Oh, yeah. I hadn’t done anything but talk on the phone getting price quotes today and so neglected to eat or drink anything. So, I gulped down water. A LOT of water.
And while the doctor was out making arrangements for my admit, I started feeling better. It wasn’t a miracle cure but it did take the edge off how bad I felt to feel more manageable. Hydration always helps.
When he came back, I explained my situation, reminded him they have ruled my pregnancy a preexisting condition and that we are having a very difficult time in addition to our family expenses just keeping up with the $400 monthly insurance premium JUST FOR ME (that is paying for NOTHING) and all the bills we have amassed already and the baby hadn’t even come.
I told him I didn’t want to jeopardize the baby but since he was doing well, if we could try any other method to raise my levels before hospitalizing me it would really help my peace of mind and stress levels.
Just to please try some option for ONE week to see if hospitalization can be avoided.
It was really tough to make myself say because I knew it would make me feel much better RIGHT AWAY. You know how bad it is when I am welcoming needles and hospitals.
But the financial stress I’m staring at and am under is killing us and I carry so much guilt about how defective I am already.
Jon pointed out to the doctor that they had only informed me of my condition Friday and it could be that my levels did drop but COULD be on the way up since we have hugely increased my dosage and iron-rich foods in my diet.
“True. It could be. And the baby is fine but this is about her health. There are big risks with this condition at her stage…I look at her and she looks very sick. ”
(Gee, thanks! Hee.)
So, after SIX HOURS of going back and forth about keeping me or not and doing some more tests getting a shot and going over my treatment regime and risks, he agreed to let me go home with a list of things that I would go to the ER if any of them started happening or if any of my symptoms got worse.
He went on to explain his concerns about me and what could happen if we don’t get my levels up. BUT he also said that the harm in waiting a week to see how I’m responding shouldn’t be horribly risky. He said he felt ok releasing me, he wouldn’t let me go if he didn’t, but wished that our insurance situation was better.
Don’t we all.
I wish I could have just said, “Of COURSE! Admit me right now!” without worry. Or at least gulp, add up what 20% of it would run me and still agree, but that isn’t how it is.
So, there we are.
I still feel sick and like crap, but the worry about what hospitalization would do to my family would be a much worse feeling, I think.
I’m going to keep my hopes up that my levels rise and I don’t have to go into the hospital until I’m ready to have this baby.
Thanks for the ear. I really appreciate it.
P.S. I got a snarky email suggesting I was hinting at help from people. UM, NO. I would die. I can handle this it’s just very stressful and difficult for my family. The only help I need is emotional support.
P.P.S. Holy HELL, my feet are HUGE.
P.P.P.S. Love you all. xo
Sweetie,
You will NEVER resemble road kill, though you may at times feel like it. And emotional support? I am there! We are all rooting for you!
Jeebus, Loralee.
Keep yourself and that baby well.
There’s always bankruptcy.
I’m only half joking.
XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO
What a crappy, horrible situation to be in. Health care sucks. Truly.
I really hope that whatever you’re doing to get your levels back up again works quickly and you feel better soon… (((hugs)))
I don’t know if you can but I iced my feet down. They were so huge that none of my shoe fit. I wore crocs everywhere. When we went to Spamalot, I bought little ballet flat like slippers at Wal–mart and wore them. Keep doing what you are doing. Aaron is well and you are doing better. A few days left. Oh and when did you get the cushy chair for your tests. My stress tests were me in a room on an exam table. I took my DS with me, but most of the time I feel asleep. Hang in there you have made it this far. Just around the corner!
I still cannot BELIEVE they ruled your pregnancy a pre-existing condition. Phfft! (That was a noise of disgust, in case you couldn’t tell.)
I’ve never been a fan of socialized medicine, having lived in Canada and seen what a pain in the butt it can be to get the most routine procedures in that system, but…your situation makes me think we should at least have universal care for pregnant mothers!
I think I should fed ex you some lamb. I hope things look up this week. You sure are one adorable preg-o chica! Smiles, denise
@amomtwoboys
Letting the cat out of the bag? We had to declare bankruptcy in 2002 because of dishonest business partners and my husbands business. We were tied to it.
We wrote of a whopping $900 of personal debt. (I’m not bitter or anything.)
So I do not even have THAT blanket of reassurance if the worst happens.
Bleck.
Cricket: You are tiny and your feet were swollen. Mine are just ginormous because the genetics of my family thought I should have been a guy, I guess. :)
I really wish I could send you half of the 60lbs of grass fed beef in my deep freeze. If you eat meat, that is.
Oh and your insurance? Wankers. Loophole seeking wankers. I know it doesn’t help, but it is the truth. US medical insurance terrifies me; I refuse to step toe across the 49th without buying insurance. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to do some cross-border shopping and went to get some insurance for a day trip. Took too long and wasn’t worth the hassle.
I stayed in Canada. Here, I cannot be denied care, pregnant or not. And my basic medical care is state-run.
Your situation is a true travesty.
It is so frustrating to see the way insurance companies yank your chains. Good gawd, if you need to be in a hospital, then dammit, that is where you should be. And if you need purple spandex leiderhosen(sp?)( tension break-picture you me, hell anyone in purple spandex hosen…), then dammit, that’s the way it should be.
Up here, north of the 49th, we don’t worry about paying for medical care but our system is so overburdened, that people requiring urgent care (uh, like Ovarian Cancer, shattered jaw, perforated ulcers)are forced to wait thanks to people who manipulate the system.
Somewhere there has got to be a happy medium. It just pisses me off all around!
Any support or venting you require I your canuck friend of the same sanity as the other crazy one am here for you. Wish there was more I could do. Want me to call Obama…
AGH! To have to choose between your health and your financial well-being makes my blood boil!
It should be illeagal.
I would call the state attorney general and complain. They take things like this seriously.
I wish I there was something I could help with. Poor sweetie.
Honey, not trying to be an asshat or anything, but have you all tried getting a medical card? Usually all you have to do is be pregnant to get one.
I pray for you and the baby every night.
You do know as soon as you spend the money to replace that key you will find the lost one don’t you? Or at least that’s the way my luck runs.
God bless!
Hang in there!
OK, get your arse over here. We will pretend you are my sister.
And the snarky email? You KNOW what I say to that.
If I could somehow add you as a dependent to my family I so would because the one thing we have is decent insurance. You should not feel bad about needing to whine about your situation, it is totally whine worthy. Anytime you want to whine you can call me I will listen. No seriously…I totally would.
Holy hell woman! Whine away…I can’t even imagine the stress…hope things get better super soon.
I still think it’s unbelievable that your health insurance says pregnancy is a pre-existing condition. I can’t imagine the stress in having to choose between the health of yourself and your unborn baby, and the financial health of your family!
If you can’t whine (ESPECIALLY when its much needed) on your own blog, where the hell can you?!?
Sending positive thoughts from another big-footed gal from the Midwest!
So glad that Aaron is doing well. I am praying my @ss off that your new regimen works and you can stay out of the hospital.
Please don’t hesitate to call if there is anything I can do!
(((hugs))) Bitch all you want, girl. We’re here to listen!
To hell with the snarkers. Who ever wrote Loralee that email, if you’re reading this, you’re a douche!
I feel that today is going to be a good day for you. Something wonderful is going to happen and nothing shitty! Let me know how it turns out! :-)
I think anyone with half a brain realizes that you are not hinting for money. We all sometimes need to let our problems spew, that doesn’t mean we’re asking other people to pick up the peices. I truly truly hope all is well with you and your family. I’ve only been reading you for less than a year now but I’ve come to really care about you and your family. And not in a creepy way. (Why do I always feel the need to end comments with that explanation??)
I totally understand your decision – you probably wouldn’t even be able to relax and get better if you were looking at every medication that was given to you with $$ on your mind. I’m so, so sorry that you even have to consider this – but I’m glad that you are keeping an eye on yoruself and so is your doctor. Just don’t hesitate to seek help if one of those warning signs comes up – but I’m praying for you and I know you’ll be fine. Take care of yourself and hey, drink water every now and then when you think about it! :)
Whine away. We’re all here for you. It sucks when insurance covers nothing and you have to weigh your health vs your family’s financial safety. I’m praying for you
I have no amazing words of wisdom or inspiration, but I just wanted to let you know that you are loved and we’re all hoping for the best with this!
For someone who is totally road-hammered, you still look very beautiful. Thinking good thoughts for you, your impending baby and your family.
I hear ya on the VW keys. We’ve got one too.
Insurance companies suck.
The End.
xo
I used to believe insurance companies were out to help people. Used to. Long, long ago.
Sigh. I’m sorry.
Good Lord! Stupid Snarky email writers. Ignore them.
Vent all you want. Isn’t that why you started this blog? You need to have some sort of outlet. If people complain, screw them.
Praying for you and baby!
First off I second Carrisa’s comment.
It is so far beyond infuriating that an insurance company is allowed to charge you $400 dollars and say that your pregnancy is a pre-existing condition. Blame goes all around though, if the medical establishment did not charge the exsorbinent prices they charge for medical care it would not be this insurmountable challenge to cover your costs. I am the mother of a 10 year old who has special health-care-needs and I fight this every time I turn around so I feel your pain.
I am sending iron-rich love your way.
You apparently have every reason in the world to “whine.” I can’t imagine that level of stress. Insurance companies can go screw themselves. Or not — I guess they’re satisfied enough in screwing us. I hope everything works out and you don’t end up having to be admitted.
The 90 miles thing ites….but so glad to hear the baby is doing great!! =)
Snarkie email people SUCK!
Sorry about the stupid insurance/hospital crap! If you need the medical help, you should get it…especially when pregnant! I think I am going to contact the Utah reps and ask them WHY this is allowed to happen. People can misuse the insurance left and right but when someone actually NEEDS the state health insurance they are denied. It is soooo WRONG!!
Sorry about the key chain and car turmoil! My in-laws have a VW. The other thing you have to be careful not to loose is the little nut remover key for the tires. If you loose that, you can’t change a flat on your own; you would have to take it into the dealer and then purchase a NEW key for like $200!
Sounds like you have had quite the couple months. I am so sorry!!!! I am back in UT in a couple weeks and if there is ANYTHING you need, hit me up with an email. I can come help clean or run errands or anything!! :)
I cna’t believe someone would say that too you. Ok, I can believe it, but sheesh people, there is a time and place to be a snarky asshat.
I am glad to hear that you aren’t in the hospital, although I hope your iron levels improve. Dude VW can suck it. I have one too and I’ll never buy one again. As much as I love it, it has nickle and dimed us to death. And all the parts are plastic and they break over and over again and cost tons of money to replace.
Insurance companies drive me CRAZY! I’d appeal their “pre-existing condition” decision. Seriously, ask for a medical review. Lots of times insurance companies deny a claim up front because many people never challenge that decision. Nothing to lose by doing that.
Take it easy and try not to be Supermom. Keep your tootsies up. I totally get where you’re coming from for “wanting” to stay at home, but be safe and hit that ER if you feel worse. We’re all concerned about you.
My first thought was that you look totally awesome. That was before I read the ‘roadkill’ comment :-)
We have a Volvo. Same situation – $300-$400 to get a new key. I live in fear of losing that dumb thing.
I never thought you were asking for money. And if you did, so what? That’s how I think society should be run – people ask for money, and others help! Kind of like self-imposed socialism :-)
I don’t understand people. Can’t a blogger blog about what’s on their mind/heart without being accused of wanting help or a pity party or some shit? WTF? That makes me irritated.
I’m thinking of you, friend. And wishing you well. xoxo
Sometimes this country and their stupid effing health care SUCKS.
Because you shouldn’t even have to DEBATE the life of you and your child against paying a bill and crossing your fingers it won’t get worse.
Now I’m pissed.
Nothing awesome to say…just know I am sending good thoughts and lots of love your way. I hope your levels go up. Try adding two tablespoons of Blackstrap Molasses a day.
((HUGS!))
I know it doesn’t help, but I’m trying to click up a storm on your links.
Love you!
When it rains it pours. So we have this apartment we’re trying to sell because we were forced to move (my husband’s military) and two monthly house payments hurt right? So within one week hubs got a huge speeding ticket, my 1 year old managed to destroy my car’s ignition and my brother (who eats a lot) had to come live with us for a while. hahahaha
We just have to focus on the fact that we are alive and healthy and hope in a couple of months we can really laugh at 90 mile drives and exploded ignitions.
Wow, I feel for your situation. On a brighter note, Baby Austin, our first son was born yesterday and all is well. Keep positive thoughts, everything you are going through is making you stronger and develops who you are as a beautiful person.
Also, I talked to a buddy at VW in Phx, all they need is the vehicle vin to make a new key, provided the ignition is the same from the factory. You will need the registration, and two forms of photo ID and between, $50 and $200 depending on if it has that dumb BMW style key. I hope this information helps and you dont have to tow the car 90 miles.
Keep your chin up, prayers of support are with you.
I am sorry things are so bad right now. I am thinking about you and hoping that things look up soon.
I know we don’t know each other very well, but if you need to vent offline to someone, please feel free to shoot me an email or something. I am happy to listen/read and do what I can to help. It’s not much, but sometimes an ear and a shoulder help. :)
Sending hugs your way.
Oh, kiddo… My heart just aches for you. If I could, I would hop a plane, find my way to your house, give you a great big hug and then insist on taking care of you for the remainder of this pregnancy. I will pray for you and the baby… AND your family and the insurance situation as well. And um, don’t stop blogging about this stuff. If this is your only outlet, you don’t want to make yourself sicker by “sucking it up” and keeping it all in. As a matter of fact, have a good cry. I think you deserve one. Many, many, MANY hugs to you!
Oy. You’re in my prayers. xxoo
Got to love Dr. “H”. Just so you know he will hug you after you give birth (he’s great).
My cure for boring appointments and while I was in the hospital giving birth…an iphone.
Oh, and I hope you get better. That stinks.
I love the Grey’s reference. Seriously – I LOL’d.
I hate that you’re going through this. As if you need the added stress of finance on top of being pregnant… The stress of being pregnant in and of itself can be awful, let alone all this!
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in the power of… prayer, I guess.. for lack of a better word. I’m sending you good ju ju.
Great, now I am going to be wondering about the Grey’s situation in every exam room I am in from now on. Gee thanks *wink*
As for the comment about you wanting money-that person should suck it. Geez-what is it about the blogs that bring out the catty in people?
Many hugs to you!!! Only a bit farther to go-and you are doing an EXCELLENT job!
Oh, sweetie. Praying for you. xoxo
I am shocked that Utah doesn’t provide some sort of coverage for uninsured pregnant women. The fact that you have insurance that won’t cover it is just disgusting and shouldn’t be allowed.
I hope things are better soon.
@Lisa
It is The State of Utah that is screwing me over. My husband’s company is too small for group insurance and so I am in a state run insurance for “uninsurable” people.
Long story short: My coverage ended at the end of August. I got pregnant on Sept. 8th. Still…you have 3 months before you have a lapse in coverage. So…We tried to get private coverage and were rejected.
Applied to HIP Utah and accepted. Was told in orientation that maternity was not covered for 10 months UNLESS COMING FROM A GROUP PLAN. Which I was. I verified I was covered they said, “Yes”.
4 months later they called and said because I did not exhaust COBRA before applying (which no one told us) they were declaring it preexisting and would not pay.
Since I had already been accepted by HIP I am no longer eligible for COBRA.
We are appealing as the insurance agent and their orientation person both said I was fine, but it doesn’t look good.
In Utah it is illegal for a group plan to declare pregnancy a pre-exisiting condition BUT THEY CAN.
Nice, huh?
Yippee.
Who in the HELL sent you that email? I want their name and address right now! GOOD LORD!
Feel better soon honey! You’re on the last leg of this journey!