Update

* UPDATE (on the update. Hee.) :Snarky emailer from my post scripts actually wrote and apologized. It helped.

This blog hasn’t been the most shiny, happy, blog in the world lately, huh?

I blog about maybe 5% of what is going on with me and my situation and things that are ripping through my life and right now?

THINGS EFFING SUCK.

In pretty much every direction.

This should be such a happy time and I know that.  I thought it would be. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but the amount of “GAH!” has whipped my fanny with surprise and dismay. (Please let it get better when the baby is here.)

I’m at the end of my rope. I’m dealing with things that I can’t write about. Besides life suck beyond my control, some things have caused a carefully crafted card house to be blown to hell. Repeatedly. The results of everything are overwhelming. Disillusionment and realities sinking in in some areas of my life have left me in a toilet of depression-sad, disappointed, and bitter. (Realities tend to do that you know.)

It’s pretty bad. 

And some of it seeps through to this blog.

I write a few things out here so that I can get through this breathing and not go to pieces around my children. I use everything positive I have to keep it together in front of them, so I really appreciate the ear you lend when I need to talk HERE. It’s my grown up place to go to shit when I really need to.

I try not to have it be all there is, though. I don’t want my blog to be a place of perpetual whining and boo-hooing, but this is my life right now. I have to find somewhere to place some of the things that are going wrong or I will combust, start eating my hair or play in traffic. Or all of the above.

There IS positive: Wee Baby Aaron is doing well. (Which is the very most important thing.) I take more comfort in that then I can tell you. There have been worries but right now he is great!

I had an appointment with my OBGYN today.  As I said earlier,I have a really low hemoglobin count and have felt really crappy latey.  It’s beyond my normal “ick” and I’ve nosedived to the point that it’s been concerning everyone.

My OBGYN appointments take a long time. Besides all the same old same old all pregnant women go through, I have to do a lot of blood/needle ick and pee into cups. Then I’m hooked up and do a 30-minute stress test at every appointment (and we’ll be getting detailed ultrasounds weekly to check for blood clots, etc. from this point on). 

It IS fun to watch the monitors and belts move around with him and hear him swimming and kicking though the monitor but it’s also boring and I pass the time by wondering all sorts of weirdo things in my head. (Today it was, ‘I wonder if anyone has gotten it on in this room all Grey’s Anatomy style?’). 

This appointment was even longer because we had to wait for lab results on my hemoglobin levels.

My doctor came in and said, ‘The good news is the baby is looking great! The bad news is your tests are pretty bad and you look road hammered.”

Great.

I resemble road kill.

Heh.

My hemoglobin levels had dropped .40

So…what to do.

He wanted to admit me immediately and we both immediately agreed. Because y’all, I felt horrible when I came in and through the appointment. So sick and panting and my vision was spotty and grey on the edges. Jon even gave me a foot rub without me begging. I just wanted to feel better.

So we told the doctor to go ahead and hospitalize me and he left the exam room. 

After he left I was realized I was really thirsty and that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day because I was on the phone with people and locksmiths and Volkswagen dealerships.

Because I lost the only key to my car.

It happened on my trip down to Salt Lake. 

Replacing a key on a VW SUCKS, people.  As if the car didn’t suck enough because you can only recline the seat by using a WHEEL, replacing the key is horribly expenisve and a total pain in the ass.

When all is said and done it will be close to the $300 mark.

Oh, AND I HAVE TO TOW MY FREAKING CAR NINTEY MILES DOWN TO THE CAR DEALERSHIP TO HAVE ONE MADE. They told me they have to do that for all VWs past the year 2000.

Did you all pick up on my whining about that NINETY MILES thing? 

Good. Just checking.

I feel heartsick about the whole thing. 

Anyway, where were we?

Oh, yeah. I hadn’t done anything but talk on the phone getting price quotes today and so neglected to eat or drink anything.  So, I gulped down water. A LOT of water.

And while the doctor was out making arrangements for my admit, I started feeling better. It wasn’t a miracle cure but it did take the edge off how bad I felt to feel more manageable. Hydration always helps.

When he came back, I explained my situation, reminded him they have ruled my pregnancy a preexisting condition and that we are having a very difficult time in addition to our family expenses just keeping up with the $400 monthly insurance premium JUST FOR ME (that is paying for NOTHING) and all the bills we have amassed already and the baby hadn’t even come.

I told him I didn’t want to jeopardize the baby but since he was doing well, if we could try any other method to raise my levels before hospitalizing me it would really help my peace of mind and stress levels.

Just to please try some option for ONE week to see if hospitalization can be avoided.

It was really tough to make myself say because I knew it would make me feel much better RIGHT AWAY. You know how bad it is when I am welcoming needles and hospitals.

But the financial stress I’m staring at and am under is killing us and I carry so much guilt about how defective I am already.

Jon pointed out to the doctor that they had only informed me of my condition Friday and it could be that my levels did drop but COULD be on the way up since we have hugely increased my dosage and iron-rich foods in my diet.

“True. It could be. And the baby is fine but this is about her health. There are big risks with this condition at her stage…I look at her and she looks very sick. ”

(Gee, thanks! Hee.)

So, after SIX HOURS of going back and forth about keeping me or not and doing some more tests getting a shot and going over my treatment regime and risks, he agreed to let me go home with a list of things that I would go to the ER if any of them started happening or if any of my symptoms got worse. 

He went on to explain his concerns about me and what could happen if we don’t get my levels up. BUT he also said that the harm in waiting a week to see how I’m responding shouldn’t be horribly risky. He said he felt ok releasing me, he wouldn’t let me go if he didn’t, but wished that our insurance situation was better.

Don’t we all.

I wish I could have just said, “Of COURSE! Admit me right now!” without worry. Or at least gulp, add up what 20% of it would run me and still agree, but that isn’t how it is.

So, there we are. 

I still feel sick and like crap, but the worry about what hospitalization would do to my family would be a much worse feeling, I think.

I’m going to keep my hopes up that my levels rise and I don’t have to go into the hospital until I’m ready to have this baby.

Thanks for the ear. I really appreciate it.

P.S. I got a snarky email suggesting I was hinting at help from people. UM, NO. I would die. I can handle this it’s just very stressful and difficult for my family. The only help I need is emotional support.

P.P.S. Holy HELL, my feet are HUGE.

P.P.P.S. Love you all. xo