I tend to be a person of total obsession focused devotion. I will go through periods of LOVING something to death like books, television shows, research subjects, and the occasional person.
Food is no exception.
When I am pregnant, well…let’s just say it can get worse.
Right now if my current obsessions do not die down, this kid will be born looking like Suzanne Whang from House Hunters or a crepe.
For those who have never viewed the awesomeness that is House Hunters, I’ll give you the lowdown.
Suzanne Whang narrates as people look for a house to buy.
I love Suzanne Whang. She always looks totally pulled together and serene and whenever they film her she is in some perfect, beautiful, foliage-laden place that looks like it is right out of a home and garden magazine.
The show is always VERY consistent: They narrow it down to three house choices and then after much hemming and hawing and guessing on the part of the viewer, they tell you which house was selected. Then they usually follow up with the couple between one month and a year to see how their house turned out and how they like it.
They always prepare food in their previous or new kitchen and there is always a party at the end. (The really sad ones are where they have to invite their realtor over because the obviously haven’t made a lot of friends in the new location.)
Also, at some point the couple WILL be filmed holding a coffee mug while talking to the camera. (Which is a little weird and totally staged looking.)
They even have an international version.
I freaking LOVE this show.
Jonathan?
Not so much.
Whenever I have control of the remote and I turn it to HGTV, there is an inevitable exasperated sigh and conversation with my House Hunters-hating spouse.
“Oh, look! Shock! It’s ANOTHER episode of House Hunters! Does HGTV have any other shows that they produce?”
“Of course, but people love this show so they produce lots of it. Think of it this way, House Hunters is like the Law & Order of HGTV.”
“Except shittier and way more boring. Seriously, I think that someone records the damn thing on their iphone and then edits it with Windows movie maker on their PC.”
So, let’s just say that Jon is NOT a fan and leave it at that.
He is a little more tolerant of my crepe fetish.
Usually, my crepe making occurs in the dead of night. Like, 3 am. It’s a simple process and easy peasy.
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
2 Tbsp. melted butter
2 Tbsp. sugar
Whisk in a bowl, melt butter in a non-stick pan pour a small circle of batter and either spread with a spoon or rotate circularly by hand (how I do it) until the crepe is smooth, thin and round. Flip and remove from pan. Butter and sprinkle with powdered sugar, roll up and nom, nom, nom. (Sometimes I add jam or lemon juice but really I am a fan of just the sugar.)
Recently, I discovered the awesomeness that is adding Nutella, bananas and strawberries to the crepes.
OMG.
NIRVANA.
The other day, I decided to make crepes for dinner. Usually, since I make them in the middle of the night, I hog all of them by myself, but I wanted to share with my family. So, I headed to Albertsons to buy supplies.
There weren’t any carts available and I thought, “No biggie. I just need strawberries, Nutella and bananas. I can carry that.”
And I COULD have. Except that I remembered we needed bread. And milk. And eggs. And a box of Ding Dongs. (Ok, we didn’t really NEED Ding Dongs, but I usually go to the store with Jon and he has a way of putting things back on the shelf he feels aren’t good for me to eat. And yes, it is annoying as hell.)
So, there I was, in Albertsons with my arms piled high with precariously balanced items in my arms as I waddled my way to the check out counter, when it started to happen:
My maternity pants started falling down.
Shit.
I have no butt. It’s flat as a pancake and so my pants often have difficulty staying up. Adding a globe-like stomach only makes it worse. I was wearing a new pair of maternity pants and they are a little big on me. Between my arms being too full to hitch them back up, being too roomy and having a behind that could pass for the Bonneville Salt Flats, I was doomed in this scenario.
I tried to just walk it off but they kept falling. So, I stopped and tried to shift but it was getting worse every time I moved until the band of my pants WAS DOWN AROUND MY UPPER THIGHS, PEOPLE.
Let me restate the image in case you missed it:
I WAS STANDING WITH MY ARMS PILED WITH GROCERIES FLASHING MY HOT PINK MATERITY PANTY CLAD ASS IN THE CEREAL AISLE AT ALBERTSONS.
Luckily, no one else was around.
There was NOWHERE to put my items without dropping them on the floor and I was totally scared the eggs or milk would fall and break open and strawberries would roll everywhere. So, I slowly scooted backward to the corner of a shelf and leaned against it and tried to see if rubbing up against it would scoot my pants back up.
Picture a big, globe-like bear scratching his back against a tree.
It seemed to be helping slightly, so I kept it up.
Until an older lady rounded the corner and looked at me.
I’m sure it made her day to see a pregnant woman laden down with groceries with her pants half down and looking like she was anal raping the shelving unit where she shops for groceries.
“Do you need some help, dear?”
It was humiliating but I let her take my eggs and milk and strawberries so that I could set everything else down and pull up my pants. She assured me she had been pregnant and understood and I mumbled a sincere thank you, gathered my groceries and waddled with all my might to the checkout stand.
It was really one of the more embarrassing moments of my life.
When I got home, I curled up in bed and flipped on the TV.
YAY! HOUSE HUNTERS!
It automatically cheered me up.
Except reflecting on it still makes me totally blush and cringe. I bet that Suzanne Whang would probably NEVER be caught in hot pink maternity panties with her pants down in the cereal aisle of Albertsons.
Dammit.
I need a crepe…
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
The only thing worse than a pregnant woman showing her pink panties in Albertson’s is a childless 50-something woman peeing her pants laughing at this story. You are a R I O T ! ! ! I love your blog!!!!!
#snort
House Hunters is one of my HGTV addictions, though I think at this point I have at least twelve. And now they have House Hunters: International! Ah, bliss.
Oh. My. God.
I’ve never seen it… now I’m afraid I’d get addicted if I did.
Loralee that was just the story I needed to cap off a l-o-n-g day. You crack me up! “anal raping the shelving unit” *snort*
Dude- you are my favorite!
Oh my goodness, I haven’t laughed that much in a long time! The mental picture is just priceless!
I hate maternity pants- they’re totally evil. But mine have only migrated south when I had a coat on to cover it up, never anything as entertaining as your experience.
And househunters is the best! One of the main reasons I was sad to give up cable, but now it’s on hulu and hgtv.com. Happiness.
That is so funny. I love House Hunters, HGTV, and THe Food Network. Hubby does not….
Trying to “just walk it off”! hahahahahaha
That doesn’t work silly. Not when pants are involved. Take it from one lack luster butt to another :-)
@Maria
“I’ve never seen it… now I’m afraid I’d get addicted if I did.”
TOTALLY TRUE. Because there is nothing more crack-like addictive and awesome as my butt in hot pink maternity panties.
Once you got a taste of THAT you would never go back, baby.
It could turn into a stalking situation at BlogHer, so really…it’s best that my ass and your eyes have never met.
(Could.not.help.myself. Hee!)
What? No pics?!
Bwahahaha! Also? The inventor of maternity pants should really have taken a lesson in engineering. They never stay up.
One of my in-laws had her baby a few months before I had mine, and thus had lots of maternity clothes to pass on to me… However, our non-pregnant selves are slightly different shapes. I am very tall and very skinny, and she is… a little bigger.
So, the maternity jeans she gave me were just a smidge too big. They fit pretty well in the waist, but they were definitely made for someone whose body type is not tall and skinny… Anyway, I was trying them on before one of my doctor’s appointments a few months ago when my cab showed up to pick me up. Fantastic. I’m wearing these awful pants and no have no time to change out of them before I leave.
Alright, that’s fine. So, I go to my appointment – no harm done. After the appointment, I have to walk about a block to the Allstate agent where my mother has my life insurance policy and sign some papers. Once I was done with that, I decided to walk to this restaurant that’s about halfway between my house and the doctor’s office… I didn’t end up stopping, and to make a long story short, I ended up walking home in these god awful pants.
Sounds like no big deal, and at the time I didn’t think much of it. Until I started getting phone calls. First they came from friends.
“Man, I saw this girl out walking today, and I could have SWORN it was you, but she was dressed like such a rag-a-muffin that I just KNEW it couldn’t be. It was SO WEIRD!”
Then my relatives started calling…
“Erin, I’m worried about you. So-and-so saw you out walking today wearing this awful outfit…. Do you have enough clothes to wear, dear? Do you need a little…. help? You know we can’t afford much, but if THAT’S what you’re wearing, God knows you need the help.”
I got about 12 calls that afternoon once I got home. It was a mess! And much more embarrassing than it should have been.
But at least I didn’t have to resort to anally raping a shelving unit to keep my pants up. ;)
Ugh, I’m with Jonathan on the HGTV hatred. I also have to watch idiot homebuyers with warped priorities buy too much house with my wife.
I think I love you.
Yay for that old lady being there!
The visual of you is completely and utterly awesome.
Bahahahahahaha!!!!!
I am so sorry. I love that a sweet little old lady helped you get yer britches back up. At least she decided to take the groceries. What would have done if she just came up to you and started pulling your pants up herself?
Oh my gosh I am picturing turning the corner of an isle and happening upon that site. Hehehehe. Oh goodness. Oh ho ho I’m totally cramping from laughter.
I really needed to read this just now. Just read some really sad news.
Also? I totally LURVE House Hunters. (Even though they usually do not pick the house I wish them to).
When my children were in their teens, there were four of us living under one roof who used sanitary napkins each month. In an effort to save some money, I bought the store brand of them one month.
I was in the grocery store when my off brand self stick pad pad started riding up. Every step I took, it shifted up the back of my panties. The dang thing actually came up out of the waistband of my pants and fell on the floor, right there in the dairy department. I scooped it up, folded it, and put it in my pocket, and told the girls, “we have to go home now” and walked out to the car. I left the groceries sitting in the cart.
I have never been more embarassed in my life.
Oh that sooo made me giggle. I too have no backside (and relatively no hips either) and often lost my pants. If they make it over my hips, there is NO hope. Usually I have just bought too many groceries and I’m carrying 8 plastic bags to the car and the pants start to fall. I usually try walking like a sumo wrestler in the hopes that I can catch and keep them around my bikini area so only half my backside is hanging out but recently I’m ashamed to say I lost them completely. Thankfully no one was around, so I really only entertained whoever was manning the video survelance of the car park! It’s not the fault of pregnancy so it’s rather ongoing for me! If I suck in my stomach, any pants I am wearing plummet straight to the ground. My husband finds it hilarious (the male mind huh).
I totally thought you were going to say that the sweet old lady pulled your pants up for you! OMG- I am still laughing over you anal raping the shevling unit. At Albertsons.
Oh honey thats about the funniest thing I’ve read all month. Anal raping a shelving unit. Wow.
And you’re such a good sport to share with us.
I cannot wait to try out your crepe recipe oh la la!
ps. ever see Ms Whang on Las Vegas? She was the nail manager in the Montecito Salon.
It DOES seem to give “Albertsons. It’s YOUR store” a WHOLE NOTHER MEANING, don’t it?
Giggle.
lol – maternity pants really suck – somebody has got to invent a better pair of maternity pants. thanks for the story, i needed a laugh today
Oh. My. Word. I am laughing OUT LOUD at work. A little awkward, but oh my. That is just too funny.
I love crepes too. MMmmmmm.
I think you might be happy, or possibly depressed to know that I’m putting muhammara on the new menu I designed. I guess you’ll have to come visit to get the goodness.
I can’t say I feel the same way about House Hunters – I watch it when there’s nothing else on (at which point, really, I should just turn off the TV).
As for the maternity pants, I have the same problem, especially with jeans. The solution? Get one of those stretchy maternity tanks for layering and wear it over top of the pregnancy panel.
Yes, I found this out the hard way.
OMG, it is so hard to hold in the laughter. I am sitting here laughing while the offender in the large office just looks at me like I have lost my mind. Tehehehehe!
I usually don’t comment but this was too funny not to. I’m glad no one was in my office when I read it b/c I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breath. Thanks for sharing.
and here i was thinking that me and my sister-in-law were the only ones who had an addiction to the show. and it’s not just your husband, it is any male. when my dad was in the hospital, we were searching for something to watch and that was on. my brother was like no way.
btw, you are so funny. like amber, i was laughing out loud for this one. anal raping and hot pink maternity panties. lord have mercy, lor.
Big House Hunters fan here! I love the international version even more, but no Suzanne Whang. Sigh.
Anyway, your story reminded me that my now 8 year old daughter was also a big Suzanne Whang fan. When she was 2ish, whenever Suzanne came on the screen she would say, in her cute baby voice, “Look! It’s Suzanne Whang!” It was so funny, especially because she was at the age where almost everything she said sounded like babble, but the above sentence was always as clear as day. I still think of that when I watch House Hunters.
Since I have a bootie, I can’t relate to the maternity pants falling down. However, my garter fell off my leg walking into the church at my wedding. If given a choice, Albertson’s is better!
I’m so glad there was a sympathetic woman there to help! At least you were wearing cute underwear…?
Gee, I never come on things like that happening in my supermarket. I’ve just come across Carrot Top in his sweats and strippers getting off of work (unfortunately also in sweats).
But crepes, yes, addictive.
Brilliant! I’m glad it was a nice little old lady and not a pervy little old man. Definitely could have been worse. But still, humiliating!
I LOOOOVE House Hunters!!! Seriously… you have to be an idiot not to.
That is hilarious! The mental imagery was fantastic. Thanks for making me laugh. :o)
Oh god I laughed so hard. Two stories to compare. Going upstairs pregnant carrying a bag with both hands. I made it to the top, but my pants were LITERALLY around my knees. Thank god for long maternity shirts that covered my white, hole in the band, panties. Unfortunately it didn’t cover the neighbors view of my white pregnancy cottage cheese thighs.
Story 2: My first daughter, still nursing, right after she was born. I had thrown on a button down shirt without a bra to run to the video store. I come out after shuffling wiggly baby back and forth and videos. There is a nice woman and her daughter selling girl scout cookies out front. I stop to buy some and the mom says quietly to me “your breast is exposed and leaking”(she was a summer baby so didn’t feel a breeze/temp change) I look down and sure enough there was my left breast dripping milk. Lesson learned for girl scout, never leave home without a bra. The guy checking out the video to me HAD to have noticed but didn’t say anything. SO EMBARRASSING!!
I love House Hunters, but sometimes it depresses me – like when a 20-something couple has a million dollar budge for a second home in Mexico. Then I just have to turn it off – but perhaps I’ll try eating a crepe instead.
That was a beautiful image. Excpecially having a wife at 39 1/2 weeks (every phone call causes a panic) and she told me the same story happened to her last week. Once again, your blog has proven, you are actually a person and you have things happen to you. Not like Martha Stewart with the multiple takes to make everything perfect. Thank you for being AWESOME! (Hope there’s no charge for the awesome)
Ok anal raping the shelving unit… Awesome.
Oh you crack me up. I am curvy in the bootie dept so didn’t have that exact problem but did have the problem of around 7 months along reaching down to bottom shelf at Long’s Drugs and not being able to get up. Stuck in place. Thank god my husband was an aisle over and actually paying attention so heard his name and came rescued me. To make it truly ridiculous I did the exact same thing five minutes later.
I once completely lost my maternity pants in bed bath and beyond, like puddled around my ankles. I, however, did not anally rape any shelving. When I was pregs with both my boys, my ass disappeared, apparently it was sucked into the gravitational pull of my belly.
This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. I am not laughing AT you, mind you, just with you. But seriously, the vision is hilarious. And I completely sympathize with the problem, as my behind, while not negligible, was so small by comparison to the giant whale on the front of me, that my pants kept falling down all the time too. It’s not pretty. I do admire you for wearing hot pink undies, though. I was never so classy.
I love how Suzanne Whang pronounces her name – it’s definitely WH-ang and not W-ang. Girl knows how to enunciate. And the house hunters always pick the wrong house. But my favorite part is when they are filmed “waiting” for their realtor to call to let them know if their offer was accepted – and, whaddayaknow, the phone rings…
We (up here in Minnesota) call those Swedish Pancakes, rather than Crepes. Anyone know if there is a difference?
Also, Loralee, that is a hilarious image, and I’m so glad you shared :)
“Also, at some point the couple WILL be filmed holding a coffee mug while talking to the camera.”
HAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!!
Hey, guess who was filmed with a coffee cup in her hand when her house was redone for “Designed to Sell?” ME! That made me laugh so hard, Loralee. Yeah, coffee cup. And it was filled with water because I didn’t have the time to jump around the crew huddled in my kitchen so I could make a real cup of joe. :( Of all the filming they did that week, that scene is possibly the dorkiest one.
Anyway, it might put Jonathan’s mind at ease to know that HGTV is restructuring most of their programming. Because the real estate market sucks so much, they’re trying to steer away from real estate-type shoes (House Hunters, Designed to Sell) and go with more reality-based ones. Our episode of Designed to Sell is actually the 2nd to last one ever. They have shut down the series and won’t be doing any more. I would imagine they’ll probably be doing something similar with House Hunters soon too, though they may keep HH International around because of the novelty of it. (BTW, I love the show too.)
HOT PINK, thats totally hot regardless of you being “with child”. Plus ecomomy being what it is you could just charge for “viewing pleasure” next time..ha..ha
Your awesome…
Hhmm you know they got that on video right? Don’t be surprised when the footage shows up on You Tube!
That one made me laugh!