There is a commercial that is currently running by Medela, a company that produces breast pumps and other baby items. Obviously, they are a pro-breastfeeding company and in the commercial they make the statement that breastfeeding is “best for the baby and best for you“.
But what if it’s not?
Best, I mean?
Who exactly gets to define that statement?
A company?
A hospital?
A league?
Internet groups?
Other mothers?
Or me?
I’m not breastfeeding this baby when it’s born.
I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly and since this is my 4th baby, I feel that I am knowledgeable and seasoned and not making this decision in ignorance or out of inexperience. If anything, it is quite the contrary.
I have always been determined to be a nursing mother, but 4 months is as long as I’ve been able to do it. I’ve struggled to get my babies to latch on and had mastitis each time. Still, I nursed. And despite the problems, I loved it. I loved the closeness and the bonding and that I could give my baby something nobody else could. The positives to breastfeeding are obvious.
The main issue with me breastfeeding and how long I have been able to do it is that I have several herniations in my back and I simply cannot let my babies feed as long as they need to (no matter WHAT position I lie in). Eventually, I have to wave the white flag and supplement and my supply usually dries up.
Still, I have always tried.
This time the scenarios and issues with how I feed are different. Because my last baby died I am already a basket case of worry and anxiety and the kid isn’t even here yet. I’m struggling. I worry about post-partum depression and anxiety. I’m trying to reduce as much stress and “things” as possible because I have no idea HOW I am going to be when he’s here. I think that the worry about keeping this baby safe and alive for the first 6 months are going to be pretty hard on me.
I do not sleep for months with worry over all my newborns-even when I CAN. I literally watch them perpetually to see if they are breathing. When I hear them make the slightest noise I wake up. I was just beginning to chill out when Matthew died. I can’t help but think this will make things worse, ya know?
When I have that much lack of sleep it also really exacerbates negative issues I have, so we are going to try some things to make sure that I get as much sleep as possible to try and be proactive about how I cope when he’s here.
For the first time, I am going to try (try being the operative word) putting the baby in his own nursery next door and use a baby monitor instead of having him sleep in the bassinet next to my bed. I think that this will be really difficult for me but I am still going to try becuase I know if he is next to me I will just sit and watch him.
And?
I’m bottle feeding.
I think that it will be a HUGE help if my husband and I take designated shifts with the baby. Having my husband help out at night should make it easier. He is on board with my decision. He wishes I would try pumping, at least for a few weeks, but I am not going to. It would pretty much nullify most of the reasons why I’m not breastfeeding to do so. (Plus, he is a guy and doesn’t understand the process of milk coming in and then drying up and what an ordeal it is.)
I’ve thought about this for a very long time. Of course, I can’t know everything that is going to happen with this baby or how he is going to be, I can only make an educated guess. But I feel that it is better than putting myself in a situation that I KNOW will leave me more frazzled and stressed out.
To be honest?
I think formula is fine.
I do not think it is poison and never bat an eye when I see someone using it. Speaking of that, I will be on some heavy duty medication for my clotting disorder after he is born that they say should be safe in breast milk, but that makes me a LOT more nervous than anything I see on a package of formula.
I know the arguments are that the breastmilk is best but in my own experience, I can’t say that I have anything but the opposite experience as far as the health of my kids. James, who I nursed the longest, has horrible asthma and allergies and Matthew died of SIDS and he was nursed. In fact, the ONLY healthy kid I have is Christopher and he formula fed because I threw a huge blood clot after he was born and I couldn’t nurse.
Do I think these health issues (or non) with my kids is due to how they were fed?
No, I don’t.
I’m throwing that out there because of a particular internet conversation I had where a well-meaning breastfeeding activist kept throwing out the statistics of better health to me. THESE statisitics in my own family mean more to me, frankly.
I think breastfeeding is WONDERFUL and feel strongly that women should be able to nurse whenever, wherever they need to. I get angered at mothers being asked to leave places due to breastfeeding their babies and I do not doubt that it is the very best option for many moms and babies. I do not mind lactation education in the least and am really glad it is out there to dispell myths and provide support for people who want to nurse, as long as I feel that a contrary decision is respected, if not agreed with.
On the flip side, I also think that the reactions some people have to bottle feeding mothers and what is said to them in the name of breastfeeding advocacy is disgusting. I am weary of the implication that it makes someone less of a mother or a parent. Or that they are selfish if they choose to not attempt to nurse or pump if they don’t have health reasons that prevent it.
I worry about how I will be treated at the hospital when I tell the nurses I am bottle feeding because of the reaction my niece got when she bottle fed. I am hoping I will have that decision respected and will not be hen-pecked to death or pestered by the lactation specialist. I will have enough to worry about without that. I am probably going to be proactive and ask to have it noted in my chart that I just want to be left alone regarding it and hope my choice is respected.
To me, feeding your baby is a VERY personal choice and what works for some does not for others. After all: My boobs. My kid. My life. My choice.
Right?
Still, some of the comments I have already gotten at appointments and reading opinions and comments on the internet leaves me a little on the defensive. One person equated formula feeding TO ABUSE.
ABUSE?
For feeding a baby formula?
SERIOUSLY?
My jaw was on the floor.
I can’t help but wonder why the way a mother feeds her child is the business of another person or why I feel like I have to justify this decision to anyone, including myself.
People who have health issues where they cannot nurse or who have at least “tried” to nurse are usually given a pass on breastfeeding, even amongst the zealous, but what if you just feel strongly that nursing is not for you? Why can’t that be respected as a parenting choice?
I feel that I have plenty of solid and justifiable “reasons” not to nurse.
BUT WHAT IF I DIDN’T?
What if I chose not to nurse just because I didn’t think it would be what was the best option for how my life and parenting works?
OR JUST BECAUSE?
What then?
Would that make me a bad, selfish person or less of a mother? Is breast milk so much better to the point that a mother who chooses not to nurse should have condemnation heaped on her head? I just don’t buy that. I just do not think that bottle feeding makes me or any other woman who chooses not to nurse a bad mother or a selfish one, but I know this is the opinion some have (even if it remains unvoiced) and I find that kind of sad.
I breast fed both of my daughters. My first exclusively for two years. They are wonderful and amazing little girls.
I was exclusively bottle fed as a baby and my Mom couldn’t understand why I wanted to breast feed. My point? Well I was bottle fed and I turned out pretty good if you ask me and my daughters were breast fed and they are wonderful. It’s about love!
Congratulations on the newest member of your family!!
Honestly, whats going to make Momma happiest – is going to translate to making baby happy. Do whats best for You and your new little one.
No judgements here.
I support you 100%. You make the decision in what’s right for you and your baby. You’ve thought it out, it makes sense, and even if it didn’t, it’s still your decision!
The bottom line is that your baby gets the nourishment he/she needs! Formula can provide that.
Good luck with your decision and your new little one! We just had our 3rd and it’s been fun and challenging all at the same time!
My opinion doesn’t matter for you, but I think you are just fine to bottlefeed. I’ve got 5 children of my own, plus a foster baby, and they all ended up having a bottle before 6 months, and they are doing great!
I think it’ll be great for you because you’ve obviously already thought things out and have mentally prepared for opposition. If other people feel like opposing your decision, that’s their problem. Formula was created for a reason, and babies thrive on it, when they would have needed a wet nurse just to survive long ago.
OK, so because it’s been painful before then you’re not going to even TRY this time. You’re too scared of getting too close to the baby and you’re too scared of failure. I guess if you don’t even try to bf this baby then you will guarantee yourself that you won’t “fail” at it. I’ve been through hell with bf, personally, but logically it doesn’t guarantee that it would be like it if I did it again. I think problems like asthma relate more to the childbirth trauma than to bf, at least that’s what I’ve read.
@journey
Correct in the assumption, incorrect in the motivation-I am making the choice that I am not even going to try.
Because I know my body and I know the situation I am in this time around. And I am absolutely unwilling to add one more bit of stress to the situation than I already face.
I feel that is a better choice for my health and the well being of my child and my other children than breastfeeding THIS time around.
I also disagree strongly this means I do not want to be nor will I be close to my baby for bottle feeding. STRONGLY disagree. I could not nurse my second due to medications I had to be on and he and I bonded just as well as my other babies.
If I have another baby I may make a different choice and breast feed again, who knows? I just feel this is not the best choice for my family this time.
An excellent post on choosing not to breastfeed – possibly the best I’ve seen. Like you, experiences in my family lead me to believe that the way a baby is fed makes no difference whatsoever: my sister and I were not breastfed and are in virtually perfect health, and our intelligence has not suffered either (I went to Oxford University, and my sister is currently training to be a doctor). The implication really disgusts me, as you say, that not breastfeeding somehow makes you a bad mother. The National Health Service in the UK is particularly bad at guilt-tripping mothers, extending so far as having posters in the doctor’s surgery waiting room to this effect. People really need to become more open-minded. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you for this artical.I too have decided not to breastfeed by choice and because of my own health issues. Im 28 weeks now and people ask me, (like its their buisness anyway??)when I tell them they look horrified and say “dont you know its better for the baby??”
Honestly,I don’t think its better all my nieces and nephews were breastfeed and these kids are always sick,I was never breastfeed and I was never a sick kid.Its really sad that I have to worry more about justifying my decision than anything else.A member of my family told me im going to be a horrible mother if i don’t breastfeed…i just don’t think this if fair…i would do anything for my son even enduring all this scrutiny about how i choose to nurish him…
I think you made an educated choose on why not to breastfeed but like everyone else posted it sucks how you have to apologize about it and convince yourself not to feel guilty about it. I will admit I judged and wondered why people bottlefeed when god gave us the boobs for milk. I never gave anyone dirty looks though. I think I had this opinion because the people who I had known were selfish and just didn’t want to take the extra time and it wasn’t worth a little pain…more like a lot of pain. My story is that i had to stop because my baby lost too much weight. Born at 6 ounces and than lost more than what they say is normal, they would not let me leave the hospital unless she gained weight. I was all for the formula as long as my baby would gain weight. Because I wanted to continue working at breastfeeding the nurse said use some feeding tube next to my boob to trick my baby and so the sucking would still bring in my milk supply. I just wanted her to gain weight and she did. So i would supplement,one week of hell for me and my husband who helped with the feedings. the stupid tube would fall out and leak everywhere but we stuck it out for her to give her the best–breastmilk. Within that first week she would latch completely on my breast and everything was fine or so I thought cause one week later I took her to the er. She had only peed twice within 24 hours and it freaked me out. The nurses were rude and when i talked to the lactation nurse like i had many times before they told me to keep supplementing. I stopped 2 weeks into it i could not supplement anymore it was too emotional i had to go formula all the way. I would cry and cry I felt like a bad mom because my body wouldn’t give her enough food. i think i had ppd too. I was red cracked and bleeding but didn’t care about the pain as long as she would eat but she wouldn’t gain weight.I still cry every once in awhile but my kid is healthy.she finally has gained weight at 2 months she is 9.5 pounds and a completely different baby. . People make comments to me like the milk supply isn’t just going to come easy you have to work at it. It pisses me off because i did, every 2 hours i put her on made sure she latched pushed on my damn boob and let her stay for as long as she sucked and all that happened was my baby was hungry.
Just came across this while doing research on a paper… I breastfed both of my children. One until she was nearly 3 the other until she was two. I find it sad that people have to be nasty one way or the other. Breastfeeding proponents shouldn’t be nasty to folks who don’t and those who don’t shouldn’t be nasty because they don’t understand people who do. That said, I think that your post here was beyond antagonistic and not completely forthcoming with fact. Also, I’m sorry to tell you, your milk will come in whether you breastfeed or not. They’ll just give you drugs 9 times out of 10 to dry you up. It made me sad to see post after post on here from people who are all worked up over what you “shouldn’t be made to feel by a commercial” – well I saw commercial after commercial for formula while I was breast feeding and never felt one way or another (sort of like I was never “made to feel” a certain way by commercials for the pill while I was pregnant). This whole thing is RIDICULOUS from breastfeeding folks who want to know it all, from formula folks who want to know it all and from each and every one of you.
How exactly was I antagonistic? Your statement that I am beyond antagonistic is completely untrue and is quite hostile, frankly. I went out of my way to be respectful to breastfeeding but yes…I didn’t spare my feelings for those who were jerks to me for not breastfeeding.
I breast fed 3 of my 4 children and would do so again if I knew it was something I could physically pull off.
And you have seen formula commercials? SO?
Every single commercial for formula I have EVER seen says, “Breastmilk is best”. SO even THEY can make you feel sucky for not breastfeeding.
Your point is moot.
And I am utterly aware my milk would come in. I have had four children. And IT DID. For a total of TWO DAYS. No drugs needed to dry it up at all.
Your comment has a vibe that is utterly a turn off.
THIS comment is the reason why so many people dislike SO many breastfeeding advocates. This snooty, snotty attitude.(NOT ALL ADVOCATES. PEOPLE WHO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS.)
BARF, woman.
I went on and ON about how much I support breasfeeders. You are UTTERLY hypocritcal (AND “Beyond antagonistic”)in your own comment. I wouldn’t come to your blog and write this to you for choosing to breastfeed and respectfully decrying formula, for example.
If you think some of my commenters are bitchy here, fine. Address THEM.
MY post was none of the things you stated. You can disagree with me without the attitude, thanks.
This is obviously a very old post but I read your tweet and had to come check it out. I am really pro-breastfeeding. I am breastfeeding my daughter and I love it. She had a hard time putting on enough weight and they tried to get me to use formula. This was when she was about three months old. I feed her every two to three hours during the day and had to wake her up at night (basically back to the newborn schedule) because I didn’t want to give her formula. It was just really important to me.
I do believe it is what is best for a baby, but sometimes I wonder if it’s like how wheat bread is better than white bread. I think it’s best in most cases, but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. The research is not always clear. Anyway, clearly you REALLY put thought into doing what was right for your family and made the right decision. What I really hate to see is someone who doesn’t want to BF because it will “make their boobs sag”. Um, no that’s what pregnancy does. And I think that THAT is selfish.
It was a really well written post and I hate that people make you feel bad about your decision (I hope I didn’t). Mommas need to stick together. I know that nursing my daughter doesn’t make me any better of a Momma than you and I would never want to give anyone that impression.
Nope you didn’t say anything wrong at all.
It was the previous commenter who in one breath says people should be respectful about both sides and in the next breath says that I was “beyond antagonistic and not forthcoming with fact” when I was neither.
You can disagree with me, but lose the attitude, thanks. (Not you. Her)
THANK you for your comment. I am pro whatever choice a mother thinks is best for her family…I don’t think the way we feed makes either of us better or worse. :) xoxox
The point I was *trying* to make – and obviously didn’t do well enough, softly enough, or after putting on my kid gloves – was that *your* post was quite antagonistic because you did a fantastic job of inciting a discussion that went on to bash the breastfeeding community in total when the majority of us who have breastfed *truly* don’t care what other women choose to do with their *own* bodies and their *own* children. Personally, I don’t care what other women choose to do so long as children are being loved and fed!
My comment about the formula commercials was made to point out that *your* commentary about commercials for breastfeeding is moot, my dear. It has been proven medically, whether we like it or not, that breastfeeding *is* best for an infant. There are properties in breast milk that simply cannot be reproduced in formula – they haven’t figured out how to do it yet. That is unfortunate, but true. I’m sure one of these days they’ll figure it out, but until that time groups like La Leche or whomever else are going to boast the benefits of breastfeeding as being best for your baby. The point I was trying to make is one that my mom made to me as I was growing up and I make to my children now. No one, not even a commercial, can *make* you feel ANYTHING unless you LET them. If a commercial is disturbing to you because it says that breastfeeding is in the best interest of your child, that is your own fault. What I was saying was that I saw commercial upon commercial extolling the virtues of formula while I was breastfeeding my children (not to mention the numerous people who told me I’d “never make it” as a breastfeeding mom because it’s “too hard”) but I never, ever let anyone or anything make me feel badly or upset. I didn’t allow it. Just as I didn’t allow the fact that when it was time take my babies home I was sent with baggies full of formula bother me.
I am entirely for each and every mother having the comfort of making whatever decision suits them best. What bothers me is folks who are radical in one direction or the other and decide to lump breastfeeding moms or bottle feeding moms in a group without realizing that we are all individuals with our own personal decisions to make.
And by the way, while I appreciate your alliteration, my comment was neither snooty nor snotty – and I’m hardly hypocritical. I think that because you’ve had bad experiences with people who don’t agree with the decision you have made you read a comment that is critical of some of (not all of by any stretch) your points in a tone that comes out of that experience rather than the tone in which is was intended.
I’m terribly sorry I didn’t pad my criticism with commentary on the wonderful points you made (like the fact that breastfeeding women should be able to feed their children in comfort anywhere without the worry that they’ll be tossed out). I had made the assumption that wasn’t necessary in order to carry on an intelligent argument. Wow – you know what happens when you assume. In your own words… BARF, woman.
You know what? I am not this way. I can take criticism. My entire household is ill. I have been up for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT with an infant that might have whooping cough and has been very sick for a week.
When your last infant died things like this tend to stress a person out and you caught me at the worst possible time.
Your comment here has me steaming but I am walking away from it because I know that I am pissed because I am not myself and in a highly stressed out situation. And am about to take a whole lot of frustration and anger out on you that is not your fault.
You caught me when highly emotional and compromised and I did not react well. I am not sure that ANYONE would react well to being called beyond antagonistic and not forthcoming with facts, but it was a stronger reply than should have happened.
For someone who got invited to The White House to talk about health care and stressing that people can make a civil argument without getting ugly a huge part of that, my response makes ME a hypocrite here as well.
So, I will practice what I preach that it is never too late to apologize and get back on track with civil discourse. I did not appreciate what I took as a personal attack, but I absolutely apologize for letting it get out of control. You did not deserve a lot of my words.
So, I deleted my reply to your comment and will end this by apologizing again, stating that I absolutely stand by my post, that it ABSOLUTELY was the best decision for my family and that we’ll just have to agree to disagree on some things.
I can respect, *very* much, the situation you are in with illness in your household – been there, done that and know that sometimes it feels like you’ll never get out from under it. AND I don’t know about you, but sometimes it makes me down right bitchy…
I am very happy for you that the decision you made is one that you stand by and the one that was best for your family – *every* *single* *woman* (family) is entitled to make whatever decision is healthiest (and by that I mean emotionally as well) for their family, their child and MORE THAN ANYTHING themselves. No one who has never been pregnant (and especially not men) can understand the pressure women have on them to be “perfect” mommies and make the “right” decisions… unfortunately, all too often what other people think is “right” gets shoved down our throats. Had my circumstances been different with either one of my daughters, I may have chosen to bottle feed as well. I *absolutely* do NOT have any ill will toward women who make that choice. Nor do I harbor any ill will toward you.
I can deeply sympathize with you for the loss of your child in ways that are hard to put into words and harder yet to talk openly about for me even after many years. Just know that I understand your pain and fears in ways that… well… I just do. I will simply tell you this – there are many nights I wake up sobbing because I had one of those dreams where everything is so real you can smell the smells and touch the textures… where you can feel the warm weight of your baby in your arms… and then you wake up… and then you remember…
As I stated in my previous reply to your reply to my reply (ha), I did not intend by any means at all to “write off” your entire post – and probably should have been more clear that what truly upset me was seeing post after post (replies I mean here) that lumped all breastfeeding women together as radicals who are running around spitting on women who bottle feed. I *hate* to see all breastfeeding moms labeled as radicals and all bottle feeding moms labeled as lazy… I hate to see breastfeeding moms labeled as saints by groups like La Leche or whomever else too – we are just moms… just humans… and we make mistakes too. ALL mommies do.
I think we disagree on much less than it may have initially appeared… my biggest point, as I said prior to this post,is that the smartest thing we can do as women is not allow anyone’s opinion sway us from what we feel is best (except maybe our significant other – haha) and we certainly shouldn’t let commercials or articles or segments in the news or whatever else make us feel badly. Like my mom used to tell me – when you *let* someone make you feel badly about yourself or question yourself you are giving away your power. That little nugget of wisdom has gotten me through a lot of nasty stuff in life… it still does.
I hope that your family will be well soon and able to enjoy the changing of the seasons, this is always my favorite time of the year…. except for the allergies… and the flu… and the back-to-school-lets-all-swap-our-germs illnesses… *sigh*