There is a commercial that is currently running by Medela, a company that produces breast pumps and other baby items. Obviously, they are a pro-breastfeeding company and in the commercial they make the statement that breastfeeding is “best for the baby and best for you“.
But what if it’s not?
Best, I mean?
Who exactly gets to define that statement?
A company?
A hospital?
A league?
Internet groups?
Other mothers?
Or me?
I’m not breastfeeding this baby when it’s born.
I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly and since this is my 4th baby, I feel that I am knowledgeable and seasoned and not making this decision in ignorance or out of inexperience. If anything, it is quite the contrary.
I have always been determined to be a nursing mother, but 4 months is as long as I’ve been able to do it. I’ve struggled to get my babies to latch on and had mastitis each time. Still, I nursed. And despite the problems, I loved it. I loved the closeness and the bonding and that I could give my baby something nobody else could. The positives to breastfeeding are obvious.
The main issue with me breastfeeding and how long I have been able to do it is that I have several herniations in my back and I simply cannot let my babies feed as long as they need to (no matter WHAT position I lie in). Eventually, I have to wave the white flag and supplement and my supply usually dries up.
Still, I have always tried.
This time the scenarios and issues with how I feed are different. Because my last baby died I am already a basket case of worry and anxiety and the kid isn’t even here yet. I’m struggling. I worry about post-partum depression and anxiety. I’m trying to reduce as much stress and “things” as possible because I have no idea HOW I am going to be when he’s here. I think that the worry about keeping this baby safe and alive for the first 6 months are going to be pretty hard on me.
I do not sleep for months with worry over all my newborns-even when I CAN. I literally watch them perpetually to see if they are breathing. When I hear them make the slightest noise I wake up. I was just beginning to chill out when Matthew died. I can’t help but think this will make things worse, ya know?
When I have that much lack of sleep it also really exacerbates negative issues I have, so we are going to try some things to make sure that I get as much sleep as possible to try and be proactive about how I cope when he’s here.
For the first time, I am going to try (try being the operative word) putting the baby in his own nursery next door and use a baby monitor instead of having him sleep in the bassinet next to my bed. I think that this will be really difficult for me but I am still going to try becuase I know if he is next to me I will just sit and watch him.
And?
I’m bottle feeding.
I think that it will be a HUGE help if my husband and I take designated shifts with the baby. Having my husband help out at night should make it easier. He is on board with my decision. He wishes I would try pumping, at least for a few weeks, but I am not going to. It would pretty much nullify most of the reasons why I’m not breastfeeding to do so. (Plus, he is a guy and doesn’t understand the process of milk coming in and then drying up and what an ordeal it is.)
I’ve thought about this for a very long time. Of course, I can’t know everything that is going to happen with this baby or how he is going to be, I can only make an educated guess. But I feel that it is better than putting myself in a situation that I KNOW will leave me more frazzled and stressed out.
To be honest?
I think formula is fine.
I do not think it is poison and never bat an eye when I see someone using it. Speaking of that, I will be on some heavy duty medication for my clotting disorder after he is born that they say should be safe in breast milk, but that makes me a LOT more nervous than anything I see on a package of formula.
I know the arguments are that the breastmilk is best but in my own experience, I can’t say that I have anything but the opposite experience as far as the health of my kids. James, who I nursed the longest, has horrible asthma and allergies and Matthew died of SIDS and he was nursed. In fact, the ONLY healthy kid I have is Christopher and he formula fed because I threw a huge blood clot after he was born and I couldn’t nurse.
Do I think these health issues (or non) with my kids is due to how they were fed?
No, I don’t.
I’m throwing that out there because of a particular internet conversation I had where a well-meaning breastfeeding activist kept throwing out the statistics of better health to me. THESE statisitics in my own family mean more to me, frankly.
I think breastfeeding is WONDERFUL and feel strongly that women should be able to nurse whenever, wherever they need to. I get angered at mothers being asked to leave places due to breastfeeding their babies and I do not doubt that it is the very best option for many moms and babies. I do not mind lactation education in the least and am really glad it is out there to dispell myths and provide support for people who want to nurse, as long as I feel that a contrary decision is respected, if not agreed with.
On the flip side, I also think that the reactions some people have to bottle feeding mothers and what is said to them in the name of breastfeeding advocacy is disgusting. I am weary of the implication that it makes someone less of a mother or a parent. Or that they are selfish if they choose to not attempt to nurse or pump if they don’t have health reasons that prevent it.
I worry about how I will be treated at the hospital when I tell the nurses I am bottle feeding because of the reaction my niece got when she bottle fed. I am hoping I will have that decision respected and will not be hen-pecked to death or pestered by the lactation specialist. I will have enough to worry about without that. I am probably going to be proactive and ask to have it noted in my chart that I just want to be left alone regarding it and hope my choice is respected.
To me, feeding your baby is a VERY personal choice and what works for some does not for others. After all: My boobs. My kid. My life. My choice.
Right?
Still, some of the comments I have already gotten at appointments and reading opinions and comments on the internet leaves me a little on the defensive. One person equated formula feeding TO ABUSE.
ABUSE?
For feeding a baby formula?
SERIOUSLY?
My jaw was on the floor.
I can’t help but wonder why the way a mother feeds her child is the business of another person or why I feel like I have to justify this decision to anyone, including myself.
People who have health issues where they cannot nurse or who have at least “tried” to nurse are usually given a pass on breastfeeding, even amongst the zealous, but what if you just feel strongly that nursing is not for you? Why can’t that be respected as a parenting choice?
I feel that I have plenty of solid and justifiable “reasons” not to nurse.
BUT WHAT IF I DIDN’T?
What if I chose not to nurse just because I didn’t think it would be what was the best option for how my life and parenting works?
OR JUST BECAUSE?
What then?
Would that make me a bad, selfish person or less of a mother? Is breast milk so much better to the point that a mother who chooses not to nurse should have condemnation heaped on her head? I just don’t buy that. I just do not think that bottle feeding makes me or any other woman who chooses not to nurse a bad mother or a selfish one, but I know this is the opinion some have (even if it remains unvoiced) and I find that kind of sad.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
It pisses me off that 3/4 of your post has to be apologizing for this. You know your body, your family, your situation, and it is ridiculous that you feel the need to justify it to anyone.
Think about it. Most of us born in the late 60’s and early 70’s were bottle fed and I don’t think any of us are suffering up to or through middle age, do you?
Feeding your baby is the most important thing. Period. You’re a good mom. Asshats, stay away.
I agree. I was unable to nurse my first three children. I wanted to so badly and it was emotionally wrenching when I was unable to do it. To make matters worse, I lived during a time and place where nazi nursers ruled the earth. The guilt and shame I went through was horrible. i got very little support and felt condemned by everyone. Good thing was that I had a very sympathetic pediatrician who reassured me that my babies would be just fine. This is actually such a sensitive subject for me it is hard for me to even talk about it much. I was finally able to nurse my next two children and I can honestly say that they were not healthier than my formula babies.
I have a lot more to say on this subject but it is too late and I’m too tired. It makes me sad to realize that mothers-to-be are still under this kind of pressure. It seems like nowadays everyone is just fine with having epidurals and whatever…when I had my babies it was also considered a failure if you had pain relief. When does the judging end?
When I see someone bottle-feeding I don’t think they’re a bad parent because there are ALL KINDS of valid reasons bottle-feeding might be necessary. I do feel a little bit sad, sometimes, because I know how great breastfeeding was for us once we finally got it figured out and I wish everyone could have that kind of experience. I don’t feel in any way superior or judgy, though. It’s more like feeling sad for someone because they’re allergic to peanuts and will never know the perfection of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, you know?
I know—I mean, I KNOW—how painful and difficult and crazy-making breastfeeding can be. I was very, very fortunate to somehow be able to stick it out despite low supply and a supplemental nursing system (arrrrgh! that’s all I have to say about that) and many people telling me I’d done my best and I could switch to formula, it was okay. But you know what? The same thing that helped you decide you should bottle-feed this baby formula was what made me say, I’m going to be stubborn and stick with this nursing thing a while (ended up being 2 years) longer: because we’re the moms and we know what’s best for our babies and for us.
I only went into such detail about how long I nursed because I wanted you to know even though I proudly nursed a toddler, I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT in support of you getting to make your own decisions about nursing or formula-feeding your sweet boy. That is all. :-)
(p.s. The last two paragraphs are almost verbatim a comment I made on She Likes Purple the other day. I plagiarized myself because it seemed applicable and I gave myself permission and cited my source.)
I’m glad that you know what is best for you and that you are not letting a commercial make the decision for you. I never understood why other people care whether a mom breastfeeds her baby or bottle feeds. Unless she bottle feeds him Coke or something. Which would be messed up because Pepsi is so much better.
Go Loralee! Do what you need to do.
Marinka – My Uncle’s wife fed their baby Dr. Pepper in a bottle. Yikes!
Someone once told me the right decision is the one you make, because YOU made it.
And I agree with the above posters – fuck apologising for your decision. Yes, it’s not the decision I will probably make for my hypothetical children, or Sally down the street made for hers, but that’s why God gave you a middle finger.
Happy Easter!
i didn’t breast feed any of my babies. i tried to all 4 times. it just didn’t work. with my first and last…the girls…they wouldn’t drink it. the nurses in the hospital were flabbergasted. it was like they didn’t like the taste. i even pumped and put it in a bottle and they rejected that. after one taste they pulled away and cried. one boy would nurse forever and then cry because he was still hungry. i finally gave in and gave him a bottle after about 2 weeks of trying. at about 3 months i was talking to a friend who mentioned something about her daughter being tongue-tied at birth and i knew that was my kid’s problem. took him to the doctor and they were embarrassed that they didn’t notice that his tongue was attached behind his teeth making it impossible for him to stick his tongue out of his mouth hence impossible to really latch on properly. the other kid i could have nursed i think. he did fine. i was dealing with postpartum and it was much easier on me mentally to be able to have someone else help.
other than a very mild peanut allergy in one my kids are all healthy.
you are right…it is your decision and you sound like you know what you are talking about. so for what it’s worth i fully support you.
don’t apologize for doing what’s best!
Go YOU! I don’t suppose you read the Hanna Rosin article that everyone was all up in arms about? I think these reasons sound quite rational and it’s awesome you’re already thinking about self-care. I spent almost a year in a depressed, anxious stupor after my daughter was born. I nursed her around the clock—most nights, not sleeping more than three hours. When you already have kids, you just can’t do that well.
when i had my son, the hospital sent me home with bags full of sample formula! there are still people out there somewhere who would encourage you to do it. as far as needing to justify it, you don’t. people who are so anti-formula that they would make you feel bad about it are a little off the deep end!
Good for you! Your mental health is important for you to be able to take care of ALL your family. I was exclusively formula fed, while my sister was exclusively breastfed – if anything SHE had more allergies, ear infections, and strep throat as a child than I did.
You should NOT feel guilty for doing what is best for you, when you have a healthy, reasonable, and convenient option for your baby.
Yes, as a woman it is your choice and no one elses.
I remember all the drama on the new parent forums when I was pregnant. People choosing or not choosing to breast feed. Why does it even matter to people?
I chose to formula feed my son a long time before he was born. The lactation educator walked in my hospital room and I promptly sent her packing. She didn’t pressure me at all.
I agree with your health issues and your family history, there are more important issues in the big picture.
Breastfeeding was terrible for me, and I bonded with my baby just fine over a bottle. I don’t judge anyone for not breastfeeding for ANY reason. You don’t need to justify your decisions at all.
i am a child who was not breastfed. and i’m pretty much completely awesome.
heh.
at the end of the day, it’s your body, it’s your decision. end of story. i hate that anyone would judge you.
I am currently 32 weeks preggers with my first baby and I have known since even before I was pregnant that I wouldn’t be breastfeeding. I can’t really say what my reasoning is only that I just “know” it isn’t for me. Up until now I was completely comfortable with my decision mainly because IT IS my decision. However I’m starting to get worried about any criticism I’m bound to receive. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there choosing not too – thanks for sharing!
Screw’em! You do what is best for you, your child, your family and your SANITY! I nursed one for 9 months, with occasional bottle supplements~she stopped nursing on her own and liked the bottle better. I nursed the other for 20 months, he never had a bottle and I quit when I realized I was his pacifier, not his lunch. Any holier-than-thou-breastfeeding-guru could kiss my big ole’ butt! As long as you and your family are healthy in all possible ways, including mentally, whose business is it anyway?
If anyone tries to give you crap for this I will punch them. Breastfeeding is such a personal choice and whatever you do for your family and yourself and your baby is right.
I’m very pro-breastfeeding, and I talk to a lot of moms who really wanted to nurse, but because of formula being forced on their babies from the get go by well-meaning doctors, nurses and even lactation consultants, had so many problems that could have been avoided. That makes me mad because their choice to nurse was kind of taken away from them.
But I totally support your choice, too, and I’m glad that there is the option of formula for those who consciously choose not to or truly cannot breastfeed. My issue with bottle feeding comes from the fact that formula is heaped up on the doorsteps of pregnant women and stuck in their babies’ mouths before they even have the chance to look at the pros and cons on either side so they can stand up confident in their decision, no matter which one it is. Becoming a mother to a new child is so difficult, I hate that there are people and companies out there that, intentionally or not, end up cutting us down, no matter what choices we end up making.
Good luck, and be confident. You’re obviously making the right choice.
Thank you for this. I am pregnant with my first (4 weeks, 5 days to go if this one does as she’s supposed to) and find myself on the fence about breastfeeding. I have no medical reason not to, except that my mother’s breastmilk never came in.
I’m a formula baby and so is he, and aside from a bit of irreverance (Okay, a lot of irreverance) we turned out okay. :) Also? I never had an ear infection until I was 15 – and apparently breastfeeding is supposed to reduce this. Oh, and colic too. I never had colic – I was more interested in having a full stomach. :)
I am with you. I shared this article
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding
with Jennie from She Likes Purple as well. I think you have the right to choose what’s best for you, as an individual. That article is awesome because it basically looks at the quality of research that has gone into the claims that breast is best.
I hope it helps. I know it helps me think about the future, because I intend to wean my future babies as soon as my maternity leave is done, and it’s nice to know that there is evidence out there that debunks the whole “formula = poison” argument. Especially interesting is the part where it talks about the research in the 70s that claimed that babies who were bottlefed were more likely to die… actually, not true.
I didn’t breastfeed my first, and I won’t be breastfeeding the one on the way either. I haven’t received too much criticism for it, fortunately, but I get very irritated when people try to educate me about breastfeeding. Choosing to bottle feed doesn’t indicate that I’m too stupid or lazy to breastfeed. I’ve just made the choice that’s best for me and my babies. I, too, am trying to avoid some of the hardships of PPD – which I had with my first. Your mental health is a priority, and if bottle feeding helps, good golly, do it! You’ve obviously weighed this decision and have found a solution that works for your situation.
I have Factor V with complications and went through a very stressful pregnancy and lots of medication with my now 3 month old son. I can relate to much of what your currently going through. I believe you’re right on track to prepare yourself and set yourself up for whatever stress you can eliminate. And in doing so, allowing yours and your baby’s best interests to be a priority. Breastfeeding is a personal choice in my opinion and one you should make on a case by case basis, every child/pregnancy is different. And it’s sad that its a topic that catches so much criticism.
I stopped breastfeeding after two months with Kyle, and I know (KNOW) it was the right decision. I was losing my mind, slowly but surely, and I am such a better mother to him now that we’re exclusively bottled feeding. I know my sanity and my peace of mine is more important and he’s a happier kid now and I believe that’s because I’m not exuding stress. But, still, I am constantly on the defensive about it. I am certain in my decision but the world at large can make me doubt myself quite a lot, especially as a mother. I’m working on that.
Regardless, you’re a beautiful, inspiring mother. BECAUSE of your decision to do what’s best for you and for your family in terms of feeding not in spite of it.
Hmm, I was going to say something supportive but it seems as if everyone else already has. I thought of perhaps taking the other side, you know, being the Devi’s advocate and throwing all kinds of negatives at you, but I can’t think of any.
Sorry.
So yes, go ahead, it’s your kid and your body, you choose.
These situations are SO frustrating! It is just one more issue where mothers are scrutinized in a way that no one else in the world is. “Blame the Mom Syndrome” is alive and well in America today. It was not very long ago to Autism was blamed on a mother’s failure to bond with thier child. ADHD, poor choices by young adult children. And when it isn’t enough to just blame the mom for every thing that isn’t perfect in our world, we have battles between moms. Breastfeeding moms versus bottle feeding moms; working moms vs. stay-at-home-moms; homeschooling moms vs. traditional schooling moms. ENOUGH ALREADY! How about we support one another instead of compete with each other.
I think you’re certainly very brave for posting this! Ultimately, you do the best you can with the information and experiences you have and that’s life.
If, after three babies, you know what does and doesn’t work for you, go with what you know. Don’t let anyone preach at you or judge you, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and your kids are lucky to have you.
hmmmmm, I was told that breast fed babies made for more intelligent people. I bottle fed my first, because she threw up every time I tried to nurse her, slept for only 30-45 minutes at a time and cried alot. I tried 3 ounces of formula when she was about 5 days old. She kept it down and slept 4 hours at a time. She graduated with honors with a Masters degree, and is a member of 2 honor societies. My Dr was great and said that formula fed babies do as well as breast fed babies. Only you know how you feel, what your situation is like, what you can handle, and the rest of the world can take a flying leap. I’m just sayin”.
I wanted to breastfeed, but I wasn’t able to. Emily lost a pound in the hospital and my milk never came in. She wouldn’t/refused to nurse on one side as well. Several lactation consultants tried to help but suggested I try to pump instead. I pumped for a long time and got nothing but a puddle. (Then I found out that you can damage the breast if you pump too long, so I quit doing that.) We put her on formula and later, I had a couple of people ask me why I was feeding that baby a bottle and I wanted to throw the bottle at them. People can be so stupid about breastfeeding. One of my friends calls the La Leche League “the breastfeeding Nazis.” I do understand that breastfeeding is good for the child, but if it isn’t good for you, then I don’t think it is going to be very good for the baby. I’m not anti breastfeeding or anything like that, but I have felt so pressured on this issue it makes me want to scream. Emily is on formula and loves it
I don’t care what you decide to do–You should be comfortable feeding your baby. So don’t apologize. I’m praying for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. Can’t wait to hear about it. Hugs to you.
both of my boys were bottle fed. I tried nursing Rocco and it just didn’t work for either of us. Lasted two weeks and I supplemented with formula the whole time. With Spike, I decided not to even try. And girl, I had to go to therapy while I was pregnant to get OK with that decision. There is way too much pressure from outside sources on moms and we need to take the reigns and make the decisions we know to be best for ourselves, our children and our families. Your rationale was much the same as ine. A sane, well-rested Jill is a much better mom and I didn’t have a single bout of PPD with Spike (unlike my first pregnancy). I attribute it to a lot of the stress-reducing steps I took in prepration for his birth and I commend you doing what you think — no, what you know! — is best for you and your baby together. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choice, and if they get to you, I’ve got the name of a great therapist who can help you over the hump!! :-)
I am glad you wrote this. To give a quick background on my experience with breastfeeding — I worked full time or was in school full time (plus working part time) when all my 3 children were babies. I nursed through cracked and bleeding nipples for 6 weeks. I’ve had mastitis at least 8 times (I’ve lost count). I had nipple pain that lasted months on end. I went back to work when my youngest was 3 weeks old. When someone decides not to breastfeed because of similar challenges, I really don’t understand 100%. I can’t *empathize*. However, I can *sympathize*. And for that reason, I am very glad you wrote this. It helps me see into your mind a little better and understand why you are making this choice. And of course you have far greater challenges than those I experienced. I recognize that fully. I can’t even imagine what the back pain would do to me, let along the supply issues and other problems. I recognize that I haven’t ever had to deal with those and so my experience has been very easy in comparison.
Sara’s comment above explains exactly why I care what other mothers do. It seems that so often, doctors’ and hospitals’ pro-formula opinions or breastfeeding ignorance deprives moms of the choice to breastfeed. But just as I will vehemently protect breastfeeding and fight for it to become better accepted, I stand by your choice as well. I’ve never said anything to a mother bottlefeeding, given them dirty looks, or anything like it. If you had posted a picture of yourself bottlefeeding, I wouldn’t have commented. Since the post was specifically about your reasons, I decided to throw my 2 cents in.
I’m totally with you. I know many breastfed babies who are extremely unhealthy and many formula-fed babies who are extremely healthy – and vice versa.
I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to bottle feed – for your reasons or just for the fact that a woman doesn’t want to. Especially now, with the advances in science, formula today is packed with everything a baby needs.
I think it’s awesome that you’re thinking ahead and planning out what you need to do to keep sane and what is best for your family. Little Aaron is lucky to have you as his mom :)
I haven’t read the comments and maybe somebody touched on this already, but I would worry ONE BIT about the nurses in the hospital. I’m sure the nurses don’t care how you feed your baby. At least the nurses didn’t care where I delivered. I tried breastfeeding my son a couple times, verified that it wasn’t for me, and told the nurse that we would be bottle feeding from that point on. The nurse didn’t even blink an eye. So don’t worry, nurses are there to help-not judge you.
It amazes me how many people think they can stick their nose into your business when it comes to child rearing.
You know, in reading these comments I’ve been reminded at how breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding is SUCH a hot topic amongst new moms and pregnant women. It seem so all consuming and the choice seems like the most important choice you will ever make at the time. However, there are so many decisions and criteria involved in parenting a child, it almost seems silly to let just one decision so dominant one’s self esteem as a parent. My pediatrician told me that in this country with proper sanitation and health care, he did not see any appreciable difference in his bottlefed/breastfed babies. He said that the negative statistics were also influenced by taking into account the high number of bottlefed babies in third world countries and other poverty stricken areas where the water was impure and other problems existed.
I thought it might be helpful to Loralee and some of you if I mention something from an older mom’s perspective. I have five children ranging in age from 27 down to 17. The first three were barely nursed (about two weeks). The fourth was breastfeed for nine months and the last for about 71/2 months. Now that they are all (almost) adults there is absolutely NO recognizable difference between them relative to how they were fed as infants. They are all smart kids but the one who tested in the gifted range was bottlefed as was the one who recently graduated from college with high honors. The one who was breastfed the longest had many complicated health issues as a child. As far as bonding goes, there is no correlation in my relationship with my children due to breastfeeding or not. I feel I was every bit as crazy in love with my bottlefed infants as I was with my breastfed ones. As adults, my relationship with each child is uniquely different and is influenced more by the complexities of both my personality and theirs.
That being said, I still strongly encourage new moms to at least give nursing a try. It’s worth that. If whatever reason it doesn’t work out then fine. Even if the reason is that you simply don’t enjoy it, then do whatever makes parenting enjoyable to you. My daughter gave birth to a baby in late 2007 who was born with a severe heart defect. She was never able to nurse him as he was in the hospital for the first three months of his life. She was only allowed to hold him about twice for those first two months. She pumped at first, but had to quit when it was determined that he needed a special predigested formula as her milk was too high in fat for him. After all of this, she really has no desire to nurse and is not sure what she will do should she have another child. At first, I was surprised but then I realized it is her decision and I will support her whatever. If anyone should ever criticize her parenting I would have to give them a HUGE smackdown! She has kept that baby alive due to her awesome diligence and wholehearted dedication to providing him the best care. The type of medical procedures she has learned to give him, the constant monitoring..well..the job has been huge. So for anyone to suggest that willingness to breastfeed= better mother..well that is just wacked!
Those baby years are so precious…they are meant to be a happy time.
Loralee, you deserve to enjoy this new little baby. I wish you the best!
Loralee, you don’t need to justify your decision or even explain it. You just do whatever is best for you and your baby, PERIOD. It really is nobody else’s business.
I couldn’t breastfeed my son either, for health reasons. I didn’t get a lot of flack for it-I’m not sure why, but people shut up real quick when I stated that I had health issues with my milk and was ADVISED to stop by my doctor.
On the peanut allergy analogy from an above commenter…If you’ve tried peanuts though and they make you sick, then obviously that Reece’s Peanut Butter cup isn’t going to be looked at the same way. You may actually not ENJOY it at all.
(Hey, I know. I’m allergic to almonds)
Anyway. You’ve had 4 kids, so obviously you are the expert on what you need as a Mom. Go with that. :)
Your body, your baby, your choice!
Parker has been drinking diet coke since he was seven months old, and I think he is a genius!
it’s amazing this war between moms. if it’s not at-home mom vs work-mom, it’s the breastfeeding issues or some other crap. good lord! no one has the right answers for another mom, they have the right answers for themselves and no one else.
I wish I could have breast fed but my breast reduction made it impossible. I wish I could have, but my boys are frikkin smart as can be and relatively healthy.
If a nurse judges you for your choice tell her “You’re here to take care of me, not judge me. If you are unable or unwilling to do so, please assign me another nurse.” You’re already keyed up enough, you don’t need a bitch of a nurse.
WAY TO GO. What’s best for baby and mom is NOT the same for everyone.
Mental health of mom is the most important factor in all of this.
You do what works for YOU.
I am going to give it the ol college try again this time around..BUT will stop when and if I have to.
WITHOUT the guilt.
Moms have enough on their plates.
Breast maybe best for any sort of reasons..but if there are alternatives out there …THANK GOD!
And don’t tell me formula fed kids are less hugged or bonded with or loved than breast fed.
Do what is right for you and that is it.
Loralee,
I had one of those nurses in the hospital who couldn’t believe I wasn’t breast feeding. She asked if I had a previous ill experience. I answered no, he’s my first baby, I am choosing not to breast feed. She was silent to me after that but I didn’t care. I loved laying in my hospital bed seeing my husband giving our new son a bottle and bonding with him. It’s the parents choice!!!! Take care!!! Jen
What’s most important is that you’re doing what you think is best for you and your entire family. A rested and happy mom is always a good thing. Life’s way too short for guilt trips.
Amen Sister!
If I was to have another child – I would not breastfeed. I did breastfeed my two kids – one has a life-threatening peanut allergy and had ear infections for years. The other has terrible environmental allergies. Both have asthma.
I am a HUGE HUGE proponent of do what is right for your family. Period.
I agree with everyone else, stop apologizing. You are a fabulous mother to your boys and will continue to be while bottle feeding your new little guy. These ads makes too many people feel bad and they should not. We are adults and it is nobody elses business how we feed our children. As a formula fed baby, my mother made the choice that was painful to her. She tried to nurse me, but she never had milk come in. She still feels bad about this and should not.
On the flip side you should see the looks that I get when people hear that my 23 month old son is still nursing. You would think I was an alien on this planet. My own mother asked me if I thought it was time to stop. Please picture my eyes rolling WAY back in my head. Seriously, I never thought I would go this far and it is new territory for me.
I look forward to seeing photos of your gorgeous new son. Nobody will ever look at him any differently because of your choice, remember that.
I’m in the same boat. I have tried, and failed, to breastfeed all three of my children. This time around, I entertained the idea of trying again, but ultimately decided against it. Especially now that I am having twins. With my ongoing health issues and medications, I’m going to need all the help I can get. Including having someone else able to feed the babies.
I have gotten quite a bit of crap from people about my choice. I know one mom who tells me things like she “doesn’t know anyone who lost any of their baby weight who didn’t breastfeed” Like that’s got anything to do with my reasons. I’d rather be fat and SANE, thanks! It’s amazing the things people say in this situation. I have heard the “bottle feeding is abuse” argument too. Ugh!! Like everyone else has said, you do whats best for you and your family and screw everyone else. Formula is not abuse.
New reader here.
First let me say, I went back and read your post about your son, Matthew. You wrote that post on the day my daughter was born. I’m so sorry for your pain and grief. What you went through is absolute hell. It’s strange that one persons happiest day of their life can be anothers worst. I am so very sorry about your son.
Second, my daughter has been bottle fed practically since the day she was born. I used to notice all the horrible looks from strangers when feeding my daughter in public. Strangers who feel it’s okay to judge me and how I choose to nourish my child, and they can all suck it. Seriously, I want to know why someone else really gives a shit about what my kid is consuming. They don’t. They want to be judgemental and I have no room in my life for that. I rarely, if ever, notice those people now.
My sister is hvaing a baby in August. She has chosen not to breastfeed. She’s delivering at the same hospital I delivered at and as much as I liked the nurses there, if one of them even gives my sister a sideways glance you can bet I won’t hold my tongue.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with bottle feeding. Good for you!
hello friend! Being a non-breastfeeding mother, let me just say that I get it. My son, Jacob, lost so much weight of his very little 7 lbs after birth, because he never latched and in fact had to be tube fed because of his sucking skills. Still I pumped. Every three hours for a month while family and friends came to visit I would excuse myself to the bedroom and hook myself up like a gersey cow and pump.
Then with my daughter Mena I actually had a nurse tell me it was her mission to see that my daughter was breastfed. Her mission! I WAS PISSED! Because of my breast reduction 13 years ago my nipples aren’t able to stay hard enough for a baby to latch onto never mind what little production I can create.
So I was sneaking bottles to her in the hospital. I hate these breastfeeding Nazi’s! As I was leaving to go home I went up to that nurse and in my sternest and most controlled voice I explained “My child is not your mission, she is my daughter, and I will choose what is best for her health and well being.” And with that I walked out the door. She is brilliant, beautiful, and perfectly healthy.
Welcome back, happy to see you online again! :-)
I breastfed my first two, but now after reading this and all the comments I just might start out with bottle from the get-go! I dont want to have achy plugged ducts and sore nipples! It was such a pain, and if so many people have raised their kids and not seen any bit of difference…. I’m starting to feel swayed! *laughs*. no seriously.
my sister tried to breastfeed and it didn’t work well, so she bottle fed. just b/c breastfeeding is hyped up to be the best thing for the baby, in this day and age, i’m pretty sure the formulas they come up with are darn close to replicating mother’s milk. my nephew ethan is 3 and he was completely bottle fed, and trust me when i say there ain’t nothing wrong with that kid. he’s chubby, happy, and thinks he is “dorable”. yours will be fine too.
and you’ll probably feel better without your back hurting and he’ll feel better b/c he’s reading better emotions from you.
I did mainly breastfeeding with bottle feeding at night for my first. With my second I had friends that told me I needed to solely bottle feed. So I got that stuck in my head. I was set that no matter what I would only breast feed. My LIFE was breastfeeding and my older daughter lost me.
After 2 1/2 months and my little baby not gaining weight although I was breast feeding and then pumping and supplement feeding her, I broke down. I was completely emotionally DRAINED! I *gasp* bottle fed forumula. I felt horrible (even though my older daughter had formula). The day I started the formula was after leaving the dr. office and still no sufficient weight gain. 3 days later when we went back she had gained! Formula WAS best for her but due to so many people judging the whole “bottle fed” crap, I was denying my daughter what she NEEDED!
If I am blessed with another baby, I will do both again; although I feel like I will be judged like crazy cause of the darn bottle. UGH!!
I am so sorry you have to deal with that as well. I HATE it!
Just out of curiousity, who made up the law that all newborns had to be breastfed?? What about mothers who adopt? Or who have a surrogate? Do they get chastised too?
I nursed my baby for 8 weeks, and then I went back to work. But she got a bottle of formula Day 1, after she screamed for 10 minutes in the hospital and I said “F-this. Bring me some formula please.” The nurse on duty (at 3am) started giving me a gentle ration of shit, and I got really firm and told her that my child was hungry, I had tried for 10 minutes to breast feed her and it wasn’t working, so she needed to get me some formula NOW.
My daughter was fed 50/50 bottle and breastmilk. I hated breastfeeding. We didn’t bond, and she didn’t care. She just wanted food. She didn’t care where it came from. In fact, she loved formula and loved having different people give it to her. She’s happy, has no allergies, and is very healthy. And she’s 2 now.
The idea is YOU are supposed to be happy and stress free, thus helping your baby to be happy and stress free. Good on ya for making the right decision for YOUR family.
And thanks for sharing it with us! It’s exciting to be able to keep up with all the latest and greatest.
Sweetie, Aaron needs a healthy mommy. The reasons you give are all important ones for you to formula feed.
And if he’s coming to Blog Her with you, it just means you can have some help at feeding time.
I’m sorry that you feel the need to apologize for factoring in your health in making this decision.
Good for you. I totally support you. Yes, breast-milk rocks, blah-blah-blah. I do support breastfeeding, but breastfeeding zealots need to back off. I really really HATE when people try to impose their opinions as being the “right” choice or the “better” choice.
Nothing is definite in this world. People can speculate what they think will be perfect, but at the end of the day who knows.
Millions of babies are formula fed and uh yeah they are no different than breastfed babies.
I wish we could all just do whatever we feel is best and not have to deal with any shit about it.
Oh and the breastfeeding making you and your baby “closer”. I think that is BS. My mom breastfed me until I was one year and we have an awful relationship.
Plus breastfeeding made me gay.
Wait! I didn’t mean it like that.
Because gross.
Forget I even said anything.
Bollocks!
Amen sister! You’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say!!!!! You go!
I have a friend that was still nursing occasionally and her daughter was 4 YEARS OLD. I just couldn’t take it. I have another that has one that is nursing and he is 20 months old. I just can’t take that. It’s just too much. To each their own I suppose but when kids can come up and ask for it and throw fits for the boob, it makes me want to vomit.
Oh, and one more thing…I don’t believe it makes babies any healthier AT ALL. Every child I know (my friends that have kiddos under the age of 7) that were strictly breastfed are the SICKEST children I have ever met. Ear infections, tubes, etc, etc, etc. Maybe it works for some but I really feel like it’s overrated.
Oh, and don’t apologize for your feelings!
I’m going to be awful here and tell you my truth. Bottle feeding my triplets allowed me to parent them better than I did their two older sisters who I nursed for a year each.The triplets haven’t been sick, except for a cold early this winter, despite being premature AND having a sister in the 4th grade.
I feel bad that you have to defend your choice to bottle feed your baby. It doesn’t make you love your child less because you bottle fed them. You aren’t endangering their lives. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a complete …. I was going to swear there, but I won’t.
You gotta do what makes you feel comfortable. I hope you don’t feel any guilt from any one else over your decision.
I think in general, we as mothers have all these expectations put on us and thats why we worry and fret over being judged for what should be our, nad only our business. Do whats best for you, because whats best for you is what will be best for Asron.
Aaron*
If I could do it over, I would not have breastfed Thomas. I think I would have avoided a lot of unnecessary stress on our family – between the PPD definitely stemming partially from exhaustion (he nursed every damn hour until he was 10 months old), the yelling at my oldest who was only 5.5 at the time and the stress on my marriage?
Totally not worth it. But in 2004, pressure was high to BF for AT LEAST 18 months. I cried when I weaned him at 10 months and the guilt omg the guilt…
So not worth it.
I fully support the decision to make your own decision as a mother. Good luck and make no more apologies (the ones here were unnecessary!)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
My Friend had her third last year. After dealing with mastitus and severe post partum depression (w/her second) she decided she was not going to breast feed the third. She told the nurses about her decision, and added that if the “nipple nazis” bothered her there would be hell to pay.
they gave her no trouble at all.
Stop apologizing and if people give you crap tell them to shove it. I agree wholeheartedly with your post.
Hmmmm….
Being a certified doula and a huge breast-feeding advocate, I actually really enjoyed reading this……
I don’t think you need to apologize at all. At first (when I started practicing 7+ years ago) I was totally Nazi about it, but after helping so many different women with so many different circumstances, I realized, IT IS YOUR CHOICE! IT IS YOUR BODY, YOUR BABY, YOUR CHOICE.
I also know that you are not the mother that is going to prop the bottle in the car seat. Whether you breastfeed or not, does not determine if you are a good mother. And I know that you are a fantastic one.
With that said, I nursed both of my kids. My oldest for 25 months and my youngest for 19. Yes, I nursed in public, but not after about 4 months. We did it in the privacy of our home. I was also one of the moms that nursed while sleeping and I didn’t lose any sleep or roll over onto my babies. I struggled with the first one with Thrush and everything. The second was a breeze. My kids were never sick. Still aren’t. But I also know kids just as healthy as mine that were bottle-fed.
You are the mom, so it is your decision, and it is the right one for you.
Congratulations on everything. You are a rock.
I am a new reader. I couldn’t NOT leave a comment. Good for you deciding what is best for you and your family! I too experienced babies who were tough to nurse and I also developed mastitis. My second and last baby I ended up pumping and bottle feeding for 3 months. I was so okay with formula! And my husband doing a feed each night helped me out so much with my sleep needs.
Also, one of my good friends had a baby March 25. A year ago March 29 her son died of SIDS. She would be able to relate to you. Every time she wakes up in the night she checks on her new baby and her 3 year old. She worries constantly. She has done all she could to avoid her 3rd baby dying of SIDS but at the same time she knows she can’t do anything really. She has removed bumpers etc but still knows she can’t do anything. She lives with worry. She would understand you and what you are going through. I write this because you aren’t alone. You know that. If you are interested I can put you in contact with each other. just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
I will leave you with the words of my doctor:
“Breastfeeding does not make you a Mother.”
Breastfeeding is better. It’s cheaper.
You have to just ignore people- we live in an upside down idiot world where the same person who tells you that choosing formula is abuse, thinks abortion is an okey-dokey choice (not trying to start an abortion debate here people- so don’t start with me- just sayin’). Just be prepared for the nipple Nazis, because they will try to guilt you into changing your mind. I happened to love nursing… free, no dishes to wash, nothing to pack or warm up- so basically, it was more convenient for me- but you may need to practice tactfully, but firmly telling people who wish to needle you about it that “it is simply none of your business.”
interesting insight
http://www.child-psych.org/2009/04/breastfedding-may-lower-risk-of-sudden.html
Yup. I know about that study. Matthew was breastfed and he still died of SIDS.
Don’t apologize. TO ANYONE. You’re the mama, and you know what’s right for you and your family. I just had my first and breastfed her until almost a year. It sucked at times and was great at times. (But you know that, you’re not a newbie at this!) But really, I kept doing it because it was just easy. It worked for us. Would I have done the same thing if it hadn’t been easy and worked for us? Um, no. When women tell me about being pregnant with their first babies, I tell them the same thing. It sucked, then it worked. You should try it. If it works, it works. If not, there’s another perfectly fine option. My bro and I were both formula fed–I turned into a pretty successful attorney and he just got offered a post-doctorate position at Harvard studying genetics. :)
Congrats on the new baby!! I just found your site because of Maddie, but I’ll add you to my daily follow list and can’t wait to share in the joy of a new baby.
Leslie
This topic always makes my blood boil. When a bottlefeeding mommy finds out I nursed my kids, they inevitably cringe and start to apologize. WHY? If you feed your baby on a regular basis, you’ve met her needs.
Other thoughts on this, in no logical sequence: remember wetnurses? Women with lots of breastmilk who were available, at a price, to nurse your infant if your milk wouldn’t come in? Somehow, I think that those ms with no breastmilk to speak of and no money wouldve been more than happy to “abuse” their babies with formula instead of watching them slowly starve to death.
I nursed because I made enough milk to feed the entire maternity wing. With enough force to write my name in the sand with one boob while my baby suckled on the other. And because my daughter refused any sort of non-flesh apparatus in her mouth until she was six months old. (Seriously, I tried every bottle, pacifier, and technique in the world with no success.). And because my son practically wounded-soldiered his way across my belly, still covered in goo, to latch on firmly with no assistance from me right after birth. And because…
OK, shutting up now. But my point here is to hold fast to what you know is right for your family, and to hold yourself blameless for any unfortunate mishap that may happen to the overeager lactation consultant, what with all the meds and hormones and such coursing thru your body…;)
Amen. Sure, breastfeeding is the healthiest choice. Just like avoiding all TV, refined sugar, processed food, tap water, chemical-based cleaners, disposable diapers, non-organic milk, and so on. And yet, very few of us (if any) make the healthiest choice 100% of the time. Many of us drank formula as infants and are healthy, happy adults. You have to make the right choices for your family as a whole (including your own health, well-being and happiness).
By the way, I don’t think “missing out” on breastfeeding is like not knowing how fabulous peanut butter is if you’re allergic. I think it’s more like not eating peanut butter because you just don’t like it. You can feel sorry that the other person doesn’t enjoy it as much as you do, but you can’t assume that they WOULD enjoy it, regardless of circumstances. We are all different people.
Anyway, I tried to breastfeed my son with the best of intentions for weeks before I decided that it was actually having a negative impact on my relationship with him. Tried briefly with my daughter (with more success) and decided that I simply didn’t want to. I don’t feel guilty about it and I don’t think it hampered our ability to bond. In contrast, I think it allowed my husband to bond with the kids which has brought us all closer as a family.
I tried to feed my first child for about 4 days. Everytime I tried I ended up crying. My husband woke up in the middle of the night with me sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out while trying to feed my son. That’s when we decided to bottle feed. Later on I figured out I had post-partum depression.
I decided not to even try breastfeeding with my second son. I wanted to enjoy feeding him, not feel miserable every time I tried. How would that help bound us together? The home health care nurse that came to visit saw my boppy and said, “Oh, wonderful! You made the best choice by deciding to breastfeed.” Explaining that wasn’t the case made me feel guilty. Then I decided who the heck was this woman to tell me what the best choice for my child was. I have two wonderful, intelligent, healthy children. Guess maybe they would be geniuses if I had breastfed them! :)
Trust yourself.
XO
Nothing really new to add here. I tried breastfeeding with The Boy. I have problems with my breast, the ducts are blocked. But I was so convinced that formula was evil that I kept trying (I’d supplement.) The Man finally set me straight.
The fact is, that the goal is not breast feedign. The goal is to feed kids. If formula had not been available my monkey would have starved. I just can’t fathom. I remember pulling out a bottle at playgroup, and one of the other mom’s said “Thank god, I’ve been afraid to do that…”, this pretty much shut the boob nazis up…
To paraphrase her, the sun came out the day I stopped breastfeeding.
At the end of day, it should be about choice. Not about breast or bottles. Raising fed, healthy loved kidlets.
I just want to say how much compassion I feel for the person who wrote this post. You are a survivor, and doing everything you can to keep it together so you can be a great parent to your children. Your love and courage in the face of loss is a million times more important than whether or not you breastfeed. What an amazing reminder of the need for all of us to have compassion towards each other.
I just shake my head in disbelief that how you feed your baby is even an issue. (Not you, per se, I’m just talking about the concept at large and the effect of a breastfeeding or non-breastfeeding post can have on the community.)
I mean, you’ll never see anyone rallying because I decided I’d buy nachos for lunch instead of eating the damn Lean Freakin’-Cuisine I brought from home, would you?!? I mean, who gives a shit WHAT I eat? So long as I eat. (I sure as hell HOPE I’d get some bloggy concern from readers if I developed an eating disorder and didn’t eat at all.)
So why, by extension, does ANYONE give two flying flips about what my baby eats?!? I mean, its not like I wouldn’t feed my baby. I’m not injecting the kid with steriods or heroin or [insert really really bad thing here] — just feeding him. I fail to see any reason why it should be an issue AT.ALL.
I say “GO WIT-CHER BAD SELF, WOMAN!” and whatever way you choose to feed your baby, just make sure you love him, period.
As I told my cousin when she had her second: Who cares (breast, bottle, both) as long as the kid is fed and happy.
Great thing about being the Mom is YOU get to decide.
Mostly I want to say….
I have a hard time reading your blog these days….especially when you mention Matthew….I have an 11 day old baby, and I get all freaked out when I read stuff like that or like on your facebook when you mentioned two Internet friends babies died.
I’m way more freaked out with this second baby and reading posts like your “Trauma” one doesn’t help. :) I’m just saying.
DIDO on everything you said! I tried really hard to nurse both of my boys. With my first son, I got mastitis twice and had TONS of other problems including colic with him and him TOTALLY refusing to nurse all together, so after 2 months I decided to bag it. With my 2nd, after 4 months, he wasn’t getting enough because I was loosing my milk. It was hard to quit with both and especially when I have a sis-in-law who nursed all 4 of her kids for their first year. I felt like a disappointment.
I love how they make it seem like formula is poison. And just like those that say kids who crawl longer before they walk are smarter!?! Are you kidding me! I don’t know any adults who were bottle fed or who just stood up and walked mentally slower or disabled in some way. Who comes up with this crap? SERIOUSLY!
The women who try to cram breastfeeding down your throat just haven’t had any problems breastfeeding. In fact, next time I have a baby, they can take one of mine to try to nurse and then we’ll see if they change their opinions lol.
Hi, I don’t think I have commented before, but I love your site. I think I came over from DrowninginKids website, almost a year ago.
I just wanted to say, I completely agree with you. I nursed my last baby until she was 14 months old, but I was a single mom almost the entire time with very little help. I will say, the argument goes both ways. I grew up in the south, and I still remember bringing the baby home at three months old and my ex-mother in law asking when I was going to switch her over to formula. I felt ostracized the entire time and had to listen to many blatant comments that I was ‘hogging the baby’ or ‘not letting anybody help me’. On that note, I call bull****.
For me, because I had no help at home, it was much easier to just nurse her and get it over with.I dreaded it when I started, but I still remember crying when she decided she didn’t want to nurse anymore. And, for the record, she is the most sickly of all three of my kiddos. She is allergic to almost everything, and has a very hard time with her asthma and her allergies.
I have had numerous people ask whether I smoked or drank while I was pregnant or nursing her, and I didn’t. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what you do, you just end up with a sickly child.
You have to do what is best for you, all the time. That is what makes you a good mama. From reading your site, I would say, you are one of the best around! :)
I really admire you for admitting this on the interweb. Truly.
I bottlefed my firstborn after 4 miserable weeks of trying to nurse and failing. She turned out just fine. It was a very difficult decision to make at the time, but one that needed to be made for me and for my family. Good for you for knowing yourself well enough to make the decision early. Aaron will still thrive, and will still, or course, be very, very loved.
I think women are too judgy now. Shouldn’t women be able to CHOOSE in this day and age what they want to do without getting scorned? I support your choice not to breast feed. I would also support your choice to breast feed. It’s your choice. Totally off topic – but you didn’t forget to answer the whole ‘why I’m not mormon’, right? Because I’m abnormally interested in why. (and not in a creepy way . . . . )
Do you know what I find so funny reading these comments? Everyone keeps telling me to stop apologizing and I had to laugh because I thought I WAS being totally non-apologetic and “So THERE!!!!!” with this post.
(Obviously I need to work on that some more)
Hee hee.
So many interesting and supportive comments. I hope I didn’t scare away the pro-breastfeeders or come across as bashing them because that wasn’t my intent.
I’m just for moms being able to make choices for themselves and their kids without condemnation or more stress.
I’m always happy for moms who figure out what works for them. And I am more than happy that there are so many people out there that can relate to how I feel or my situation.
I think most moms are simlar in we truly want what is best for our kids. Which is a great way to be.
P.S.
Chelsie-I am still going to write it. The internet has been slammed with tragedy and man…it is going to be a very tricky post for me to write.
I have given it a LOT of thought and had many conversations about it with people. I need to make sure I am absolutely comfortable with it before hitting publish becuase it is a very BIG WIDE AND TRICKY topic to try and get into one blog post.
But I have not forgotten and it will happen. Promise.
xoxo to everyone.
I nursed my three children because I thought it was the best decision for me….
But I’m here to say that children who are not breastfed turn out wonderful…they even graduate college. I did!!
Do whatever you think is best for you and your family and throw your guilt out the window!!!
I’m a new/stumbled here from somewhere reader and I sense a theme. I have three children and breast-fed the middle one, guess who has the fatal (score 6) peanut/treenut allergy and asthma? Apparently “studies” have debunked any link but I’m thinking not (seeing how I stuffed my face with peanut butter all the time I was pregnant and b/f).
I too was on the receiving end of the wrath of the Breastapo when I chose to formula feed number 3. And when I fed him in public how were these harpies able to tell from 15ft away that it wasn’t expressed breast-milk in the bottle? Did they smell it or something? I shudder to think.
I attempted breastfeeding with my daughter Gracie. Well, when I say attempted, what I mean is that I stuck my boob near her mouth and when she didn’t immediately latch on, I shook up the bottle that was handed to me and gave her that instead. She’s 4 now and is happy and healthy.
I just had my second daughter Kairi a couple weeks ago, and I decided to give breastfeeding an actual wholehearted attempt this time. It’s working out great for us so far and I’m really enjoying the bonding that I’m getting with my baby.
To be 100% honest, when I decided to breastfeed, a good portion of my reasoning had nothing to do with the bonding or the supposed health issues – it had to do with that I didn’t want to have to deal with formula. I didn’t want to buy it, prepare it, sanitize and wash bottles and nipples, wash formula stains out of my daughter’s collars… the list goes on. (That wasn’t ENTIRELY why I chose to breastfeed, but it’s a good portion – I just thought this way would be easier… and so far I’ve been right.)
I’m loving breastfeeding. But I can see how many people don’t. And I can see where many women choose formula over breastfeeding – even if they’ve done it before. As far as I’m concerned, let the haters be haters and feed your baby however you see fit. And give yourself a pat on the back for it too.
I agree with the others who have commented here: Your baby, your body, your choice. Every woman has the right to decide what is right for them. If God didn’t want us to use bottles he wouldn’t have invented them.
I did not breastfeed any of my three children. They are all three well-adjusted adults. I have good relationships with all three. Giving them that formula in a plastic bottle did not damage them. That I know of. ;)
I’m also with you when it comes to women being able to choose for themselves what they want to do. Sometimes I wish they’d choose bottle feeding – I’ve known a number of mothers in the foster care system who have simply not known how to take care of their child, and bottle feeding would have made it easier to gauge how much food their youngsters were getting.
I have no problem with either bottle or breast – both of my children were bottle fed. I hate, though, the “breastfeeding nazi’s” – the ones who, as you’ve said, think that you’re killing your child by giving them formula.
Sara described my feelings very well, so I won’t repeat except to say that I appreciate you explaining your thought process as it is very educational to me. I wonder where everyone lives that they are meeting “the breastfeeding nazi’s” at the hospital or dr’s office…for me in Sacramento CA they were only at my “natural living mom’s group” and at the UC Davis ob’s & hospital they were very happy to offer me formula and had very little info or support on breastfeeding. However, they did have a great lactation consultant on staff through the GI specialist’s office–just quite obscure to track down!
Totaly off topic, this cracked me up and made me think you might enjoy it.
http://despair.com/lithographs.html
So wish that I had read this on May 25, 2006, when my son was born! I was ambivalent about breastfeeding, and then I was told by the nurses that he couldn’t nurse b/c of how his pallet was formed. They wanted me to pump, but I didn’t have a pump and trying in the hospital hurt like hell. Took a lot of s* from the pediatric interns at UCLA (who, in looking at the baby’s chart, should’ve known why he was formula feeding), but not from the midwives, or his pediatrician. MIL had a few things to say, though. I felt SO bad for NO reason. With my daughter, I gave it a bit of a try, but when the her pediatrician (different then my son’s) said exactly the same things one of your other posters wrote (maybe we’re both seeing Dr. Shulman), I cried tears of relief. I HATE the holier than thou crap and guilt thrown at moms who don’t breastfeed. THANK YOU so much for writing this, and for everyone else who’s commented. I’ve still kind of felt like a pariah for the last three years, and am just so glad that the baby is 15 months, and finally the feeding questions at the playground, the market, the park, Target, wherever–are going away.
I breastfed for the first month (mostly through pumping as I couldn’t get Austin to latch properly) and then I had to stop due to going back on anti-depressants that I had to stop abruptly upon finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant (what a run-on sentence!). Don’t even think about feeling guilty because we all have our reasons.
P.S. I was stalked by the lactation consultant from the hospital where I delivered. Seriously, it was heartbreaking enough, leave me alone.
Very interesting post. I’ve read a fair amount about BF. Glad you are comfortable with your decision, and preventing depression is important, for sure!
I’m pro-BF but since I’m not a mom I generally feel it is not my place to judge.
A friend of mine BF till her baby was 6 months old, got thrush multiple times, and was tired of the pain and sickness from thrush, so switched to formula at 6 months.
Her hippie MiL was SO judgmental about the formula! Goodness, though. That is certainly a whole lot of effort and pain she went through!
Not to say that effort and pain is a pre-requisite to go through before deciding to bottle feed. You obviously know what you are doing.
Wishing you all the best in happiness and lack of depression. ;p
I agree with what you are doing. When I had Monkey doodle in Minnesota I felt the judgment from the nurses and Doctors that I was bottle feeding. I did try with him but my milk was not coming in and he was not latching on properly. After 3 months I gave up. I did want to try again with my second, Pochi, and it went very well. I breastfeed her for 8 months after that I did formula. Supposedly breast milk makes a baby fatter but Pochi’s was and is smaller than Monkey Doodle.
I hate that mothers are judging other mothers for things they do or don’t do. That is just stupidity. No one has any idea what is best for the other family.
You know what is the right thing for your family.
Thank You!
I could be a wet nurse. Seriously, if I was born in another century, I could probably make a living as a wet nurse. Nursing was easy for me. (Other things weren’t – like the giving birth part – both my kids involved over 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section at the end.) I nursed both my kids – one for 16 months, one for 11 months (when she decided she was done with me and wanted a cup, tyvm.)
So I am pro-breastfeeding.
But I’ve seen so many other moms struggle with breastfeeding. For me, it was the right thing to do. For you or anyone else? How can I possibly make that call? Everyone should have all the information to make an educated decision based on their own circumstances and then they should be allowed to make their decision without pressure . . . especially without pressure from other moms.
while I didn’t read 80% of the comments…I breastfed for nearly 2 years because it was right for us, you choose to bottle feed because it’s best for you and your family. You made an informed decision. That makes it the best imo.
When I think about feeding my little one someday, I’m always on the fence about it. Thanks for weighing in some facts!
Hope you’re doing well these last few months!!!
I stumbed across this posting, and I have to believe its fate. I’m a strong believer in letting women do what they decide is right for themselves, their baby and the rest of the family. My mother chose formula for my sister and me, and not to brag (well, yeah, I guess to brag!) we turned out amazingly–magna cum laude graduates from the top high school in the region, rarely sick, varsity athletes, admitted to Top 25 universities, blessed to have fantastic relationships with both our mom and dad, etc and so on. I have not yet had children, but when I do I know they will be formula babies. Mom got plenty of grief from other know-it-all moms out there. I remember one friend of hers said how glad she was that she “did the right thing” when she decided to breastfeed (what. the. heck?). Breastmilk and formula are both healthy nourishing choices. As much as I know bottle-feeding is the choice for my future family, I’ll fight for women to be able to feed or nurse where ever. I’d like to think all women would stand up for each other’s choices. I wish you the absolute best!!
Never apologize. Never. This coming from someone who’s last two posts have been about pumping and the medela pump. What is best for your baby is what is best for mommy. No one can tell a breastfeed baby from a formula fed baby. Don’t give it another thought and never apologize. Your doing the right thing for you and your family.
It drives me nuts that you need to pick sides when your a mommy. No side is right for everyone. Stop picking on each other and start supporting each other. That is what we really need.
Okay, I know I don’t have children and have never been through this whole “baby” thing before, but I have heard these “Breast-feeding Nazis” go on and on and ON about how it’s been scientifically PROVEN that your children will be smarter, more well-rounded, more emotionally secure and pretty much just better off in every way shape and form if you DO breastfeed. And pretty much, if you don’t, you’re a horrible mother who’s too selfish to care about your child’s needs.
Um… excuse me? Isn’t it about YOUR choice? I’m sorry, but I wasn’t breast fed and I’m pretty much the smartest, most well rounded, emotionally secure and freakin’ AWESOME person I know. So… I just don’t really think it makes that much of a difference. You’re obviously doing the best thing for you and your baby… and he will turn out awesome (Just like me!) because of it. :)
I breast fed both of my daughters. My first exclusively for two years. They are wonderful and amazing little girls.
I was exclusively bottle fed as a baby and my Mom couldn’t understand why I wanted to breast feed. My point? Well I was bottle fed and I turned out pretty good if you ask me and my daughters were breast fed and they are wonderful. It’s about love!
Congratulations on the newest member of your family!!
Honestly, whats going to make Momma happiest – is going to translate to making baby happy. Do whats best for You and your new little one.
No judgements here.
I support you 100%. You make the decision in what’s right for you and your baby. You’ve thought it out, it makes sense, and even if it didn’t, it’s still your decision!
The bottom line is that your baby gets the nourishment he/she needs! Formula can provide that.
Good luck with your decision and your new little one! We just had our 3rd and it’s been fun and challenging all at the same time!
My opinion doesn’t matter for you, but I think you are just fine to bottlefeed. I’ve got 5 children of my own, plus a foster baby, and they all ended up having a bottle before 6 months, and they are doing great!
I think it’ll be great for you because you’ve obviously already thought things out and have mentally prepared for opposition. If other people feel like opposing your decision, that’s their problem. Formula was created for a reason, and babies thrive on it, when they would have needed a wet nurse just to survive long ago.
OK, so because it’s been painful before then you’re not going to even TRY this time. You’re too scared of getting too close to the baby and you’re too scared of failure. I guess if you don’t even try to bf this baby then you will guarantee yourself that you won’t “fail” at it. I’ve been through hell with bf, personally, but logically it doesn’t guarantee that it would be like it if I did it again. I think problems like asthma relate more to the childbirth trauma than to bf, at least that’s what I’ve read.
@journey
Correct in the assumption, incorrect in the motivation-I am making the choice that I am not even going to try.
Because I know my body and I know the situation I am in this time around. And I am absolutely unwilling to add one more bit of stress to the situation than I already face.
I feel that is a better choice for my health and the well being of my child and my other children than breastfeeding THIS time around.
I also disagree strongly this means I do not want to be nor will I be close to my baby for bottle feeding. STRONGLY disagree. I could not nurse my second due to medications I had to be on and he and I bonded just as well as my other babies.
If I have another baby I may make a different choice and breast feed again, who knows? I just feel this is not the best choice for my family this time.
An excellent post on choosing not to breastfeed – possibly the best I’ve seen. Like you, experiences in my family lead me to believe that the way a baby is fed makes no difference whatsoever: my sister and I were not breastfed and are in virtually perfect health, and our intelligence has not suffered either (I went to Oxford University, and my sister is currently training to be a doctor). The implication really disgusts me, as you say, that not breastfeeding somehow makes you a bad mother. The National Health Service in the UK is particularly bad at guilt-tripping mothers, extending so far as having posters in the doctor’s surgery waiting room to this effect. People really need to become more open-minded. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you for this artical.I too have decided not to breastfeed by choice and because of my own health issues. Im 28 weeks now and people ask me, (like its their buisness anyway??)when I tell them they look horrified and say “dont you know its better for the baby??”
Honestly,I don’t think its better all my nieces and nephews were breastfeed and these kids are always sick,I was never breastfeed and I was never a sick kid.Its really sad that I have to worry more about justifying my decision than anything else.A member of my family told me im going to be a horrible mother if i don’t breastfeed…i just don’t think this if fair…i would do anything for my son even enduring all this scrutiny about how i choose to nurish him…
I think you made an educated choose on why not to breastfeed but like everyone else posted it sucks how you have to apologize about it and convince yourself not to feel guilty about it. I will admit I judged and wondered why people bottlefeed when god gave us the boobs for milk. I never gave anyone dirty looks though. I think I had this opinion because the people who I had known were selfish and just didn’t want to take the extra time and it wasn’t worth a little pain…more like a lot of pain. My story is that i had to stop because my baby lost too much weight. Born at 6 ounces and than lost more than what they say is normal, they would not let me leave the hospital unless she gained weight. I was all for the formula as long as my baby would gain weight. Because I wanted to continue working at breastfeeding the nurse said use some feeding tube next to my boob to trick my baby and so the sucking would still bring in my milk supply. I just wanted her to gain weight and she did. So i would supplement,one week of hell for me and my husband who helped with the feedings. the stupid tube would fall out and leak everywhere but we stuck it out for her to give her the best–breastmilk. Within that first week she would latch completely on my breast and everything was fine or so I thought cause one week later I took her to the er. She had only peed twice within 24 hours and it freaked me out. The nurses were rude and when i talked to the lactation nurse like i had many times before they told me to keep supplementing. I stopped 2 weeks into it i could not supplement anymore it was too emotional i had to go formula all the way. I would cry and cry I felt like a bad mom because my body wouldn’t give her enough food. i think i had ppd too. I was red cracked and bleeding but didn’t care about the pain as long as she would eat but she wouldn’t gain weight.I still cry every once in awhile but my kid is healthy.she finally has gained weight at 2 months she is 9.5 pounds and a completely different baby. . People make comments to me like the milk supply isn’t just going to come easy you have to work at it. It pisses me off because i did, every 2 hours i put her on made sure she latched pushed on my damn boob and let her stay for as long as she sucked and all that happened was my baby was hungry.
Just came across this while doing research on a paper… I breastfed both of my children. One until she was nearly 3 the other until she was two. I find it sad that people have to be nasty one way or the other. Breastfeeding proponents shouldn’t be nasty to folks who don’t and those who don’t shouldn’t be nasty because they don’t understand people who do. That said, I think that your post here was beyond antagonistic and not completely forthcoming with fact. Also, I’m sorry to tell you, your milk will come in whether you breastfeed or not. They’ll just give you drugs 9 times out of 10 to dry you up. It made me sad to see post after post on here from people who are all worked up over what you “shouldn’t be made to feel by a commercial” – well I saw commercial after commercial for formula while I was breast feeding and never felt one way or another (sort of like I was never “made to feel” a certain way by commercials for the pill while I was pregnant). This whole thing is RIDICULOUS from breastfeeding folks who want to know it all, from formula folks who want to know it all and from each and every one of you.
How exactly was I antagonistic? Your statement that I am beyond antagonistic is completely untrue and is quite hostile, frankly. I went out of my way to be respectful to breastfeeding but yes…I didn’t spare my feelings for those who were jerks to me for not breastfeeding.
I breast fed 3 of my 4 children and would do so again if I knew it was something I could physically pull off.
And you have seen formula commercials? SO?
Every single commercial for formula I have EVER seen says, “Breastmilk is best”. SO even THEY can make you feel sucky for not breastfeeding.
Your point is moot.
And I am utterly aware my milk would come in. I have had four children. And IT DID. For a total of TWO DAYS. No drugs needed to dry it up at all.
Your comment has a vibe that is utterly a turn off.
THIS comment is the reason why so many people dislike SO many breastfeeding advocates. This snooty, snotty attitude.(NOT ALL ADVOCATES. PEOPLE WHO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS.)
BARF, woman.
I went on and ON about how much I support breasfeeders. You are UTTERLY hypocritcal (AND “Beyond antagonistic”)in your own comment. I wouldn’t come to your blog and write this to you for choosing to breastfeed and respectfully decrying formula, for example.
If you think some of my commenters are bitchy here, fine. Address THEM.
MY post was none of the things you stated. You can disagree with me without the attitude, thanks.
This is obviously a very old post but I read your tweet and had to come check it out. I am really pro-breastfeeding. I am breastfeeding my daughter and I love it. She had a hard time putting on enough weight and they tried to get me to use formula. This was when she was about three months old. I feed her every two to three hours during the day and had to wake her up at night (basically back to the newborn schedule) because I didn’t want to give her formula. It was just really important to me.
I do believe it is what is best for a baby, but sometimes I wonder if it’s like how wheat bread is better than white bread. I think it’s best in most cases, but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. The research is not always clear. Anyway, clearly you REALLY put thought into doing what was right for your family and made the right decision. What I really hate to see is someone who doesn’t want to BF because it will “make their boobs sag”. Um, no that’s what pregnancy does. And I think that THAT is selfish.
It was a really well written post and I hate that people make you feel bad about your decision (I hope I didn’t). Mommas need to stick together. I know that nursing my daughter doesn’t make me any better of a Momma than you and I would never want to give anyone that impression.
Nope you didn’t say anything wrong at all.
It was the previous commenter who in one breath says people should be respectful about both sides and in the next breath says that I was “beyond antagonistic and not forthcoming with fact” when I was neither.
You can disagree with me, but lose the attitude, thanks. (Not you. Her)
THANK you for your comment. I am pro whatever choice a mother thinks is best for her family…I don’t think the way we feed makes either of us better or worse. :) xoxox
The point I was *trying* to make – and obviously didn’t do well enough, softly enough, or after putting on my kid gloves – was that *your* post was quite antagonistic because you did a fantastic job of inciting a discussion that went on to bash the breastfeeding community in total when the majority of us who have breastfed *truly* don’t care what other women choose to do with their *own* bodies and their *own* children. Personally, I don’t care what other women choose to do so long as children are being loved and fed!
My comment about the formula commercials was made to point out that *your* commentary about commercials for breastfeeding is moot, my dear. It has been proven medically, whether we like it or not, that breastfeeding *is* best for an infant. There are properties in breast milk that simply cannot be reproduced in formula – they haven’t figured out how to do it yet. That is unfortunate, but true. I’m sure one of these days they’ll figure it out, but until that time groups like La Leche or whomever else are going to boast the benefits of breastfeeding as being best for your baby. The point I was trying to make is one that my mom made to me as I was growing up and I make to my children now. No one, not even a commercial, can *make* you feel ANYTHING unless you LET them. If a commercial is disturbing to you because it says that breastfeeding is in the best interest of your child, that is your own fault. What I was saying was that I saw commercial upon commercial extolling the virtues of formula while I was breastfeeding my children (not to mention the numerous people who told me I’d “never make it” as a breastfeeding mom because it’s “too hard”) but I never, ever let anyone or anything make me feel badly or upset. I didn’t allow it. Just as I didn’t allow the fact that when it was time take my babies home I was sent with baggies full of formula bother me.
I am entirely for each and every mother having the comfort of making whatever decision suits them best. What bothers me is folks who are radical in one direction or the other and decide to lump breastfeeding moms or bottle feeding moms in a group without realizing that we are all individuals with our own personal decisions to make.
And by the way, while I appreciate your alliteration, my comment was neither snooty nor snotty – and I’m hardly hypocritical. I think that because you’ve had bad experiences with people who don’t agree with the decision you have made you read a comment that is critical of some of (not all of by any stretch) your points in a tone that comes out of that experience rather than the tone in which is was intended.
I’m terribly sorry I didn’t pad my criticism with commentary on the wonderful points you made (like the fact that breastfeeding women should be able to feed their children in comfort anywhere without the worry that they’ll be tossed out). I had made the assumption that wasn’t necessary in order to carry on an intelligent argument. Wow – you know what happens when you assume. In your own words… BARF, woman.
You know what? I am not this way. I can take criticism. My entire household is ill. I have been up for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT with an infant that might have whooping cough and has been very sick for a week.
When your last infant died things like this tend to stress a person out and you caught me at the worst possible time.
Your comment here has me steaming but I am walking away from it because I know that I am pissed because I am not myself and in a highly stressed out situation. And am about to take a whole lot of frustration and anger out on you that is not your fault.
You caught me when highly emotional and compromised and I did not react well. I am not sure that ANYONE would react well to being called beyond antagonistic and not forthcoming with facts, but it was a stronger reply than should have happened.
For someone who got invited to The White House to talk about health care and stressing that people can make a civil argument without getting ugly a huge part of that, my response makes ME a hypocrite here as well.
So, I will practice what I preach that it is never too late to apologize and get back on track with civil discourse. I did not appreciate what I took as a personal attack, but I absolutely apologize for letting it get out of control. You did not deserve a lot of my words.
So, I deleted my reply to your comment and will end this by apologizing again, stating that I absolutely stand by my post, that it ABSOLUTELY was the best decision for my family and that we’ll just have to agree to disagree on some things.
I can respect, *very* much, the situation you are in with illness in your household – been there, done that and know that sometimes it feels like you’ll never get out from under it. AND I don’t know about you, but sometimes it makes me down right bitchy…
I am very happy for you that the decision you made is one that you stand by and the one that was best for your family – *every* *single* *woman* (family) is entitled to make whatever decision is healthiest (and by that I mean emotionally as well) for their family, their child and MORE THAN ANYTHING themselves. No one who has never been pregnant (and especially not men) can understand the pressure women have on them to be “perfect” mommies and make the “right” decisions… unfortunately, all too often what other people think is “right” gets shoved down our throats. Had my circumstances been different with either one of my daughters, I may have chosen to bottle feed as well. I *absolutely* do NOT have any ill will toward women who make that choice. Nor do I harbor any ill will toward you.
I can deeply sympathize with you for the loss of your child in ways that are hard to put into words and harder yet to talk openly about for me even after many years. Just know that I understand your pain and fears in ways that… well… I just do. I will simply tell you this – there are many nights I wake up sobbing because I had one of those dreams where everything is so real you can smell the smells and touch the textures… where you can feel the warm weight of your baby in your arms… and then you wake up… and then you remember…
As I stated in my previous reply to your reply to my reply (ha), I did not intend by any means at all to “write off” your entire post – and probably should have been more clear that what truly upset me was seeing post after post (replies I mean here) that lumped all breastfeeding women together as radicals who are running around spitting on women who bottle feed. I *hate* to see all breastfeeding moms labeled as radicals and all bottle feeding moms labeled as lazy… I hate to see breastfeeding moms labeled as saints by groups like La Leche or whomever else too – we are just moms… just humans… and we make mistakes too. ALL mommies do.
I think we disagree on much less than it may have initially appeared… my biggest point, as I said prior to this post,is that the smartest thing we can do as women is not allow anyone’s opinion sway us from what we feel is best (except maybe our significant other – haha) and we certainly shouldn’t let commercials or articles or segments in the news or whatever else make us feel badly. Like my mom used to tell me – when you *let* someone make you feel badly about yourself or question yourself you are giving away your power. That little nugget of wisdom has gotten me through a lot of nasty stuff in life… it still does.
I hope that your family will be well soon and able to enjoy the changing of the seasons, this is always my favorite time of the year…. except for the allergies… and the flu… and the back-to-school-lets-all-swap-our-germs illnesses… *sigh*