5 a.m. has come after a very long, difficult night.
Details aren’t necessary because it’s just more of the same.
The same days, the same nights, the same often relentless symptoms.
Very little changes.
I have done this before.
I know that the light will come.
The sickness and symptoms will stop.
There will still be struggle and difficulty but RELIEF and JOY.
He’ll be here. Snuggled and loved and HERE.
Being HERE makes all the difference in the world.
Not only physically but mentally.
I’m a very tangible person.
I need him here.
I just have to plow through.
2.5 more months.
Some moments I know I can make it.
Times like this I struggle.
I’m so tired of it.
You must be so tired of hearing it.
Everyone is tired of it.
I’m sorry for that.
Really, I am.
Eeyore would SUCK to hang out with all the time, tail bow or no.
Imagine adding pregnant hyperemesis to Eeyore’s charm list.
A thousand acres of wood wouldn’t be near enough distance.
Though the chance of a pregnant, barfing Eeyore is unlikely.
He is a boy.
And a fictional character.
Though that last thing seems less important, somehow.
Still.
I don’t want to be Eyeore the pessimistic barfing donkey.
For myself and everyone else.
I’m grateful for this.
Sick or no.
Some would kill to trade places with me, I know.
It WILL get better. It WILL.
Sometimes I say that on a loop over and over and over.
Like I could make the world turn faster if I just said it enough times.
Like Superman.
A lot of the time it works.
After nights without much needed sleep?
When everything hurts and burns?
It can be tough to remember.
Especially when the night turns from black to midnight blue at 5 a.m.
And then?
It happens.
I feel the sweetest little kick in my belly.
Light.
At last.
It reminds me that every single moment of this long struggle is worth it.
And that I am not alone.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
i love this. i was never sick with my pregnancies. well an occasional bad day, but mostly i felt fine. that kick, that baby movement, it brought hope even when hope was already there. it just fulfilled it somehow. i can’t wait for him to be here! i can’t wait to see your words then. these are fine too. what you are feeling. where you are. i’ll be reading and anticipating the change in your words. i love how you feel deeply. i can’t wait to read your words after he arrives!
Great post! I was having a bad day on Wednesday, and then my baby started hiccupping, and it totally just turned my day around.
Hang in there, we’re in the home stretch-albeit the beginning of the home stretch- now!
This is so well said. I don’t want you to be a barfing donkey either — and I hope you feel better today!!
Hang in there!
Those little kicks are priceless. My last baby was born seven years ago and sometimes I still feel phantom kicks.
And I’d rather spend an eternity with Eeyore than ten minutes with Tigger. Unless he’s on valium or something.
Thank God for the kick!
*hugs*
Been there. “Morning sickness” can be just awful. Hang in there, take it easy, and hopefully soon it will pass. Take care.
I remember having some very dark, disturbing thoughts while pregnant with morning sickness. There were times when I know I was not in my right mind. Suffering 24/7 can do weird things to a person.
I think you are doing a wonderful job of keeping it together. I hope today is better for you.
How true.
Six shots of heparin a day, 5 inhalers, suspected lupus and basically the pregnancy from hell (thankfully no hyperemisis, just monster head to toe hives over and over).
Nine years later, that child lights up my life. Just like Aaron will yours.
This is one of the most beautiful posts you’ve written in a long time. Middle of the night and early morning always manages to bring out the beauty in writing. I’m really sorry you’re sick, though.
Those little kicks and movements are encouraging and fun, although I’m to the point where they hurt, make me want to pee more, and are annoying when they keep me up at night. I too was up at 5 this morning. Anyway, they’re fun. :)
Sucks you have to be sick all through it. Lame-o.
I think this is an absolutely beautiful post! The last bit is my favorite, of course.
I’m just getting to the point where I can feel a little movement (I’m almost 16 weeks). It’s my first (second if you count the one I lost last fall at 6 weeks…I was due just a couple of weeks after you are), so it’s just the coolest thing ever.
Hang it there, you’re going to make it!
Beautiful.
Hang in there, babe!!
That was amazing. You really are a beautiful writer. You’re almost there!
It’s almost over. It feels like a lifetime but you’re in the home stretch. And I’m here cheering you on.
Hon, I wish I was nearby so I could come and give you the biggest hug right now. I know what you are going thru-it sucks so badly. But you are right, it is worth it in the end.
((((big squishy hugs)))))
Honey, I wish I was closer I would stay up and keep you company. I had the worst hyperemisis too. It’s so worth it in the end, but the getting there nearly kills you.
Hang in there lady! I pray for you every night.
(((HUGS)))
Long nights are hard and I’m certainly not pregnant; but I appreciate reading your writing, especially when I can’t sleep.
Personally, I don’t mind your Eeyoreness at all. Because what would this “community” of bloggers be if we couldn’t support one another, right? I’m glad that you’re so close to holding your little one in your arms – and the second that happens it’s SO easy to forget all the horrible things you had to endure to get him here :)
i swear that’s why God set it up so that you start feeling the baby just as you start thinking THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!!!!!!
I am humbled by your strength. Go Eeyore.
Xo Tigger
Counting down the days with you. He’s going to be wonderful! And this too shall pass……
(hugs) He’ll be here soon.
Mmm, I’m jealous. You have such a gift inside your tummy. <3
This post reminds me of all your post scripts… Almost each new sentence seems like it should start with P.S. or P.S.S. etc.
;)
Gah. I used to struggle with insomnia, but at least there was no accompanying discomfort. When I couldn’t sleep, it made me feel better to remember all the times before when I hadn’t slept and still managed to like my life the next day. My favorite lines of your poem were 5 & 6 because they reminded me of that one comforting thought!
I’m even infertile and I’m not tired of hearing it. The hypermesis sounds like pure torture. It will be worth it once he’s here. For now, hang in there. And you can write about it again and again. I’d rather read about someone’s true reality than a fake, sugar coated version.
Even in your serious posts, you make me giggle
“Eyeore the pessimistic barfing donkey” Made me laugh out freaking loud.
I can’t honestly imagine the crappiness that you’re going through – all I had was morning sickness – but I’m glad you see the light. :)