I’m having a $50 amazon.com giveaway to make up for the fact that this is THE LONGEST POST KNOWN TO MANKIND!

Wow, what can I say?  I was all scared and ego-crushed thinking no one would have any questions to ask me. This is so long, I think that I developed carpal tunnel syndrome in one sitting from typing it all out.

Since this is so freaking long, I haven’t done one in a long time and just because I wuv you, I am having a $50 amazon.com gift certificate give away as a little reward for reading this monstrosity. It’s pretty simple: READ THE DAMN THING. PICK YOUR FAVORITE QUESTION AND ANSWER. LEAVE A COMMENT. SPREAD THE WORD AND GET DOUBLE ENTRY. (More details at the end.)

Consider it compensation for my narcissism.

I do have one more post coming with answers to two more questions. They were too long and complicated to explain briefly and this is already the length of War and Peace, so I will post the questions regarding my inactivity from The Mormon church and details about my gastric bypass in one other post.

Here ya go. You may want to crack a window and get a bowl of water. This could take some time.

What is the one thing you would do before you die? What kind of funeral would you want?

(I missed this emailed question and yeah, I am answering them all, so it’s going in. WHICH MAKES IT LONGER! MUWHA HA HA HA!) The one thing I would do before I die? Spend as much time as possible with family and people that I love. (Dude, River Phoenix went and died in ’93 so having sex with him isn’t an option any longer. Sigh.)

I’ve actually had to plan my funeral before when I had a blood clot with my second pregnancy and I’m kind of morbid in general, so I’ve thought about it quite a bit actually: I don’t mind it being in a church. I’d want to be in soft, comfy pajamas and fuzzy socks. I don’t mind having some religious aspects to it at all-funerals are for the living and lots of people need that but don’t over do it. Mainly? I just think telling dorky stories of my life would be the most entertaining thing. I’m weird so there would be lots of material. No vocal music. (Seriously, family? You know what I am talking about. If you go with that option I WILL rise up and smite you. For reals.) Skip the family hymn-Jonathan has a million males that are amazing musicians on his side of the family and they all play guitar so I want everyone to sing “I Will” by the Beetles.  (Croshaws, you are on notice.) For my mom the congregation can sing my 2 favorite hymns: The Spirit of God and All Creatures of our God and King. Men that were important to me to be pall bearers. I would want to make sure that everyone who wants to be there could be and that they would be welcomed.

That’s it, really. OH, WAIT! BLACK ATTIRE. (Ya know, if I had control of stuff like that)

The Mormons are highly optimistic people when it comes to death. No one wears black to funerals (I totally did when we buried Matthew, though. Because I FELT like it.) I totally want full on black garb complete with veils and armbands.  And none of this “Loralee wouldn’t want us to be sad today” bullshit. I’m DEAD.  I don’t want anyone driving off a cliff or anything, and certainly I don’t want long grief or suffering, but seriously? I think that me not being um, alive anymore, n’ stuff can have a 2 hr. period of crying and mourning. Ya know?

And? Someone would totally have to figure out a way to live stream it on the internet. Heh.

And, yes. It’s know this is kind of disturbing that this is so long and detailed.

What is your occupation? Are you a SAHM? (such as myself) or a writer? or what?”

I am a SAHM. I have never really had an “occupation”. I have had “jobs” over the years, but that isn’t the same thing. I’ve been a mom since I was 21 and do not have my degree despite having a ton of credits. When I think about having a career of some kind if something happened to Jonathan, I am at a loss. I would probably spend a good deal of time throwing up my hands in the air and shrieking, “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies, Miss Scarlett!”

The sad fact is that there is really nothing I am qualified to do. I can carry a tune, blog about my ta-tas on the internet and write amusing Tweets. That is about it. It does worry me. I would love to get my degree one day. I know my situation leaves me quite dependent and vulnerable. Suze Orman would eat me for breakfast and then pick her teeth with my spine.

“Do you puke your guts out with every pregnancy? Are you feeling better at all? Do you have babies in the hospital or in your home? Do you think this is it? Are you going to get your tubes tied?”

Yes, I puke my guts out with every pregnancy and I am backward from most women-the more pregnant I get the sicker I seem to get. It’s weird.  However, I have had a string of some good days that I am grateful for.

There is no way I could have my babies at home. I doubt any midwife would agree to home birth me because I have too many medical issues that really need to be monitored in a hospital. I also think I would personally be too nervous to home birth because of personal experiences.

I am not sure if this is “it”.  If it were a girl, YES.  We wouldn’t try for another baby to just get a girl but we are wondering how having such a big age difference for a boy will be for the little guy.  I actually would HOPE for a boy to be a friend like my two boys now. A girl would have some automatic autonomy from brothers but we worry about raising Aaron as kind of an only child. So? It depends. It’s been a very tough time for EVERYONE, so there is that to consider.  Basically? We’ll see.

“Why have we never gotten to hear any of your beautiful opera singing?!”

Mainly because I don’t have a lot of good quality clips to post. I have posted clips before but I’ll repost them. (and you will hear a groan from the long time readers of ‘DUDE! DO YOU HAVE NO OTHER CLIPS TO POST?!”. Nope. I really don’t. Sorry!)

Here is one from The Messiah. (My mic wasn’t wired into the camera, though so there are sound problems. Also, yes, there is a deaf signing chorus signing with me.)

And here is a less classical sounding duet from “Wicked” that I did with a GREAT singer from the bay area, Loralee Christiansen who I met here on this blog. I LOVE her. I call her Thing Two. (Hi, thingy!) We recorded in different states and had it edited together by her kid’s father, who did the digital instruments as well. She had never done muscial theater and I had never recorded solo in a studio. I recorded it in about 15 minutes and I was really emotional because the song means a lot to me. It was cool. She rocks. She also had a better mic. Heh. I love it because it was just a really cool collaboration with a really awesome person. She sings first (Glinda) and I’m second (Elphaba).

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I’ve never met her, but I feel like I have always known her.

“Being from the Logan area, can you milk a cow?”

No, and I have always wanted to. (I have a wee bit of Laura Ingalls worship goin’ on.) Also? I have always wanted to make cheese. It seems so…cheese-like and satisfying. I HAVE churned butter, though.

“Are those your eyes in the banner and if so, what color eyeshadow did you use? I love it”

Yup. Those are my eyes. That is from a photo taken on a camping trip with my awesome friend, Chelle. I wasn’t wearing any eyeshadow. I rarely do.  I wasn’t wearing ANY makeup in this picture, actually. First, I have loads of natural pigmentation in my eyelids that makes it look like I am always wearing eyeshadow. It comes in handy.  All that happened with this photo is that I kicked up the saturation level in a basic photo editor and voila!  Pretty banner photo.

Have you started nesting yet and getting a nursery ready for the baby? Because while I feel the nesting bug, I havent’ started on a nursery yet.

NO, and it is starting to overwhelm/freak me out. Because my youngest is NINE I have NOTHING. I had forgotten HOW MANY THINGS BABIES NEED.  I tried to make a list today and put my head under the covers. Lots of this is that I had to have some time to get excited when we found out it was a boy. A girl? That sucker would be decked, bowed, bustled and sparkly. However, I am excited to have this baby and have started thinking of some really cute ideas for his room. My goal is to have everything done by the first of May.

“I also want to know what are the THREE sex toys you refused to name in your earlier post. You know, I’m just curious that way”

You will just have to satisfy yourself that their names are  “Naughty” “Naughtier” and “Dear god, NOT THAT ONE”.

“Would you mind elaborating on your blood clotting disorder? And if so, has the disorder changed the way you live your life?”

Sure. I have Heterozygous Leiden V factor,

It causes my blood to clot quicker and more often than normal blood.  I developed a very large Deep Vein Thrombosis after my 2nd pregnancy and was hospitalized for a month and had a very long recovery. It almost killed me. My leg is permanently swollen from damaged veins.

Day to day, this doesn’t normally play into my life. If I clot again, I will be on blood thinners for life, but for now I don’t take any medication on a daily basis. I do have to watch how much I lay and sit without stretching and airplane and car trips, etc. The biggest change in my life happens when I am pregnant because my risk goes up.  I am also higher risk because I have clotted before and have a compromised circulatory system.

Over all the worst part of this disorder by FAR is the fear it causes.  I have been dealing with it a long time, but having a potential time bomb that could go off in your body any second is not an easy thing to live with.  I’m more afraid when I’m pregnant by a significant degree. It freaks me out a lot but I’m doing my best to cope with it  and with the resulting anxiety with the help of my doctor.

*Yes, I was on injections of heparin during this pregnancy. Long story short? I have severe needle phobia and the physical and mental side effects of trying to inject myself with twice a day were causing more worry and issues for my doctor than going without them. (My pulse rate and BP skyrocketed) So…I’m off of them. I have clotted before and am hyper aware of ANY sign of trouble. I am going to try to do it again the month before, as that is the time of highest worry and I will be on thinners in the hospital and a pill form of thinners for several months afterwards (which is also a time I am most likely to clot)

“How does it feel to win the Hot Momma Award?”

Damn good. All barfy, gestating pregnant women in PJ’s should be bestowed with one. Thanks for the support.

“I want to know why you don’t have CommentLuv and twitter id plugins”

Because I am technically lame.  When I tinker with my site no good happens. Once when I was playing with some html I shut down the power grid of San Fransisco and started randomly flushing Dick Chaney’s toilet.

“I’ve been following you on Twitter for a while and have NO idea why I have not been to your blog before!? What is wrong with me?”

There is nothing wrong with you. There are so many awesome blogs out there. SO FREAKING MANY. I’m one small fish swimming in a big, talent-filled ocean. But it’s lovely you’re here. Hi!

“How many blogs do you follow in reader/blogines/etc?” and “Yeah! And why isn’t my blog one of them?!”

Question 1: None. I used to have HUNDREDS. My entire life seemed to be playing catch up with blog reading and commenting. While I love reading blogs? It was eating my life up. So, I did something rather radical last year and deleted my Google Reader. I mainly keep up with people on Twitter and some FaceBook. I do still read blogs but it is much less, far fewer (mainly due to sucky memory), I lurk way more and it is a more random and organic process for me. It’s really random and the way I get to the blogs I end up visiting can be varied and for many different reasons. (And? The size/popularity of a blog doesn’t matter to me regarding what I read. I know all girls say size doesn’t matter but I REALLY mean it. Heh.)

Question 2: Because I suck, have anxiety and have turned into a hermit in pretty much all ways including the internet and I tend to get overwhelmed really easily and feel like my brain is going to melt/explode.  It is so not personal. Besides, I smell like barf. You wouldn’t want me stinking up your blog anyway because you are pretty and smell like flowers. Really: It’s not you, it’s me.

“How are you enjoying your third of a cow?”

So much I don’t know if I can ever buy any other kind of meat. Even from that awesome meat store I visited in Minnesota with Gretchen. (My inlaws bought a fresh side of a cow from a local farm and we bought some of them. The meat tastes SO MUCH BETTER it is insane.)

“What did your son supposedly do, and what did the mom have to say about it?”

I got a screaming phone call from a mother saying my son punched her son and gave him a bloody lip. HE? Was home sick all day with me.  It suckasuckasuckaSUCKED a duck six ways from Sunday, my friends. She? Is proabably NOT going to help my phone anxiety.

“How long have you been blogging (And why don’t I know this)?”

Question 1: Since August 2005. I had a blog but I blew it up after 2 months trying to change the templet from Blogger Minima Black. The title was, “THE ULTIMATE DRAMA: LORALEE’S LIFE”. Needless to say, it is a gift from God that it died, no?   Looney Tunes was born November 10th, 2005.

Question 2: Obviously you don’t stalk me enough. Slacker.

“I just started following your blog and have read a bit into your archives but i don’t recall reading what your hubby does and how he fits in around there.”

I actually get a lot of people asking if I am *actually* married.  Yup, I am.  Jonathan is a total computer geek, basically. He used to head the IT department of a software company, but in September he turned his position into a contract and went full time into a tech business he started with his brothers 2 years ago. They outsource to small and medium sized businesses that need enterprise IT services and software and web development. (He totally told me what to say.) They have 10 employees and it’s doing well. Downside: My suckass insurance problem. Yippee.

Jon doesn’t read my blog (unless someone at work outs something naughty I’ve written.) He is not proud of me for it, etc. He really just thinks it’s a “colossal waste of time” (HIS quote. I just asked him) and he does not like me to write about him.  So, I usually don’t write about him at all. He has to REALLY piss me off to land on these pages without his express consent. My main rule is to keep the subject to me as much as I can. Less chance of making someone mad.

“You have a private jet piloted by Andy Samberg (who can fly AND make awesome digital shorts in this hypothetical situation) ready to take you anywhere you want to go; where are you flying?”

Such an obvious choice: SCOTLAND.  And? He is TOTALLY wearing a kilt. The traditional way.

“Have you ever lived anywhere besides Utah? If you could live anywhere–being far or close from family/friends magically not an issue, employment opportunities/$ also magically supplied–where would it be?”

I have had extended visits outside of Utah but have lived nowhere else. I would LOVE to though. Not doing it while free and unattached is a huge regret of mine. If there was no budget or families concerned? I WOULD LIVE ALL OVER THE WORLD.  There is so much I want to see and experience. SO MUCH. I want to eat figs on the Greek isles, walk the hills of Northern Italy, sail on the lakes of Maine, dine at a Parisian bistro on French bread and cheese, soak up the beauty of the highlands in Scotland, see the Northern Lights and fish for salmon in Alaska…the list? She is ENDLESS. I have been so starved for variety and diversity I crave it more than I can tell you.  (The hubs? Loves Logan. So…I’ll just have to keep doing my best to get out of it every so often.)

“If you could trade lives with any person you know, who would it be? ”

Probably one of my male friends. I totally think it would be interesting to have sex and experience whacking off as a guy.  God just did NOT give females enough of a YEE HAW! area if you ask me.

(If you hadn’t clarified a person, I would have picked my cat, Wilbur. Sleeping, eating and whoring all day. Sounds good to me.)

“What IS the long story involved with your college credits. What were you majoring in and why did you never receive a degree?”

Mainly? I had no plan and was really stupid at the beginning of college.  I took what I wanted to. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and I had a full music scholarship most of the time I was in school.  I also changed majors A LOT. I was about a year away from my final choice when I had the blood clot from the birth of my son. When you almost die and you have a 3wk old? Suddenly spending time as a mom seems (and is) much more important. At least to me.

I hope to go back one day and finish.

“Why did your first marriage break up?”

This is going to be brief because I consider this “Things I will not blog about”.  In a few words? Because I was young and the marriage should not have happened. We were so wrong for each other. He really deserved a better wife. It was also a relationship that was a rebound from a serious fracture in a serious relationship. He was a good guy, we were just not compatible, so young, so poor…and I take all the blame for the dissolving of it. It was not a nasty divorce at all, but it SUCKED. I should have done it sooner, but I found out I was pregnant a couple of months into it. We were married a total of 2.5 yrs. Even though I knew firmly it was the right decision and it was the best divorce you could hope for it was horrible. Divorce always is. He is much happier now. We had a great kid so it was worth it.

“Since I’m moving back to SLC will we meet? Do you even remember who I am? Can I cry and touch your baby belly? okay that last one is just creepy….sorry…”

I totally remember who you are, Holly. (See suckage explanation above) and I would love to get together in SLC. Just drop me a line when you can. I am all for belly pats and crying! This kid has been damn hard to get here and a REALLY long time in coming.

“My question? Are you going to Blogher and will I get to hug you and kiss you and completely annoy your beyond belief until you hide behind the planters to avoid me?”

Yup! I am booked for BlogHer. Chicago in July, baby! I am volunteering as Le Awesome Mic Wrangler again. I totally hope you accost me because while it may be hard to believe I AM AN ANXIOUS FREAK underneath this extroverted-as-all-get-out exterior.  And? I have a list of people to make out with and you are totally on it.

“Who is your favorite sister? (Yes, this is a trick question.) Wait, screw that. Who is your favorite sibling? ha!”

Linny, this is such an easy question. NOOCY.  DUH!  (You didn’t say inlaw siblings couldn’t count. HEE)

And now for “The Amy” questions. One of my oldest and dearest friends who survived rooming with me for 2 years in college. (I obviously need to talk to her more, huh?)

If you could start college again as an 18 year old, what would you do differently?

Have a plan

Do you believe in karma or good vs. bad luck?

Somewhat. I have fairly grody luck but I also make staggeringly bad life choices.  So…ya know.

What’s the secret to great eyebrows?

Have huge Burt from Seasame Street ones like I do so you can wax to any desired shape. Groom but don’t pluck the hell out of them.

Is the grow-in period hell (from your nether-bits waxing experience?)

No. Just exfoliate and you are fine.  It took about a month for noticeable growth and I wish I had kept up with it. (I’m still much more thinned. Heh.)

Do you think you’ll ever have a career (other than chasing kids) ?

I would love to say yes, but I don’t know. I’d love to be a speech pathologist, but it is not likely. I would settle for getting a damn degree.

Who are the three people you dream about most often?

A friend, a little girl and Matthew. Most of my dreams are not good. Or they are really great and then? I wake up.

Where do you see yourself in 15 years?

I have no idea. I certainly did not think I would be where I am 15 years ago, so no clue. I just hope I have happiness and peace and muscle tone that doesn’t resemble headcheese.

Do you feel guilty about not being active at church? What’s your secret?

Of course I have guilt. I probably always will.

How often do you visit Matthew’s grave?

Usually just on holidays and change of seasons. It’s too damn hard. Sometimes I go because I ache to be near him, but it takes a toll on me.

Do your kids read your blog? How about other family members (other than Nooncy!)?

They sneak occasionally but they know I do not let them read it because I have a potty mouth and talk about grown up things. They BEG me to write about them though. They love it.   My parents and brother and sister also read. (I got quite an earful about my Brazilian wax. Believe me. FYI-Oprah thinks Brazilian Waxing is “Gross”.)

Why are we never EVER going to live in the same town?

Because you guys suck and moved are realistic that your husband can’t do what he really wants to professionally in this little town so he had to be all lame and get a job with Google. (P.S. I still TOTALLY think he should wear a Utah State sweatshirt on casual Friday. Who needs MIT when you have USU?!)

Would you ever compete on American Idol?

Did you LISTEN to those clips? Not even remotely my style or something I could pull off. Plus? Simon is a douchebag.

What’s the trashiest TV show you love?

Real Housewives of the OC, New York and Atlanta. TRAINWRECK!

Who was your most psycho roommate ever?

Dude. Melissa. Duh.

Who from the past would you love to run into so they can see how HOT you are now?

I pretty much have already done that. It was highly satisfying.

When are you going to tell the world this whole blog is written by a Las Vegas security guard with time on his hands?

I prefer to be called a Security Control Officer, thanks very much.

Are we still friends after me asking a million questions?

Of course. How many times in the last 15 years have you listened to me about my totally complicated life. Yeah. You still win.

Who is you favorite childrens book character?

I have so many. I totally wanted to be one of The Boxcar Children, though.

How often do you use the word “umbrage” in real life?

Not often enough. It is a totally rad word.

Loralee, my question is which of the above questions made you laugh?

Loads of them did. I was honored to be asked so many.  (The sex toy question was my favorite answer, though. GRIN.)

THE FREAKING END.

_____

OMG, ARE ALL OF YOU STILL ALIVE??????

I tried to make them thoughtful and entertaining and AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE.

So, here is the drill.

LEAVE ME A COMMENT TELLING ME WHAT YOUR FAVORITE QUESTION AND ANSWER IS and you will be entered to win a $50 gift certificate to Amazon.com. (Please at least try to sound convincing that you actually read this thing. :P)

If you trackback, link, tweet or post about this giveaway YOU WILL GET TWO ENTRIES. You have to make me aware of it, though and please include the fact it is a giveaway! Thanks!

Comments close midnight (MST) SUNDAY, MARCH 15th. I will announce Monday, March 16th.