Dear boys,

The Elmer’s glue stick that I just purchased?

IS NOT CHAPSTICK.

Sincerely,

Your mother.

It’s a boy.

Healthy? Yes.

Vagina? No.

I’m a cluster of emotion right now. (Thank goodness I have cupcakes.)

Please don’t feel hurt if I didn’t call or email to tell the news personally. Frankly, I decided after two phone calls to just post it here and not further subject people to what I’m feeling right now. It would be a hell of a pressure to feel like I had to make me feel better right now. Because really? No one wants to try to make up kumbaya-esque bonding songs about penises to help me look on the bright side as I’m sobbing and snotting out that it’s a boy.

I am not going to pretend to be one of those parents who rise above it all and pretend that it doesn’t matter as long as my baby is healthy. (Do I really HAVE to qualify here that that is the most essential thing or how nuts I am over my boys and boys in general? Good, I didn’t think so.)

It mattered to me very much. I knew it would, as did everyone within a 5-foot radius of me also did, but even I underestimated how this would feel.

I wanted a daughter.

A girl.

My Lily.

It would have helped a lot of things right now.

This is our last child and I am being sledghammered with the reality that I’ll never have daughter.

it’s profoundly difficult and sad for me.

I will have a lot of time later to rejoice in my son.

Right now?

I just want to mourn my daughter.

I mainly write about myself on this site.  It is both to protect people and their feelings and also to protect myself from people and their feelings.

However, I don’t live in a bubble and so I do include those around me. Including my kids.  I am very fond of relating the more witty things they come up with to say and do.

I also appreciate the fact that not everyone on the planet thinks that my children are as adorable and hilarious as I do. So, when I post things about my kids I try to weigh if it is something I would think was moving, hilarious, or touching if it came from the fruit of some random person’s loins instead of my own.

As some of you also know, I am also very fond of using post scripts in my writings.  I have been known to carry it to rather far, sometimes adding 4 to 5 of them at the end of my scribblings.

I have just unearthed evidence that my children can kick my ass in this category.

We just moved them into the same room because they did not like being in separate rooms.  Often I would find them curled up on the floor of the others room in the mornings.  I also caught them in the act of an elaborate “letter writing system” a few weeks before Christmas that involved rolls of paper tied with string being pushed under each others shut doors WELL after bedtime.  Which was when the final decision was made to just let them back in the same room together.

While I was not at all happy with the late night shenanigans, the letter itself made me LAUGH MY ASS OFF. Truly, I would have laughed at any 9 and 12-year-old that conversed like this:

(All spelling and grammar is their own. And yes. They really talk like this.)

Dear brother

of course i wont blow my nose with your stuffed zebra, but i might be tempted to. Not to be offensive but your handwriting needs a little work.

love,

your brother,

Christopher C.

P.S. i hope what i said wasn’t offensive?

P.P.S. please write back.

P.P.P.S Will you go get me some tissues, please?

P.P.P.P.S. I will try to write you a comic book for your Christmas presente.

P.P.P.P.P.S. i love you.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. please dont take my letter personally.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I hope you have a good nite sleepe!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. please flip this over to the other side of the paper

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S I hope you write as many post scripts as i have.

Dear Christopher:

i know that my handwriting needs a little work butt yours does to. Butt that is fine for a 9-year old boy. i love you to and appreciate all the effort that you are going to for my Christmas present.  here is a rag. it’s the closest thing i could get to a tissue.

love,

James B.

your Brother

Dear brother,

well, if i could find Robbin (his favorite stuffed animal-a turtle) i would let him sleep over with you. and thanks for the sort of like tissue.

sinserely,

Christopher C.

P.S. is Robbin in your room? I would appreciate it if you would look.

I think I called 10 people and read this to them. I love the way my kids love each other.  They can fight like cats and dogs but truly, they are each others best friend.

I love my boys. They will be great men.

P.S. I am feeling somewhat better and have managed to keep some food down. Hopefully, I will be able to get on some medication soon to help make sure I keep improving. Thank you for all the support.

P.P.S. For those who keep inquiring, I am so sorry if I haven’t gotten back to you. My inbox HATES MY GUTS. But then, my GUTS HATE ME right now, and I am really behind. I deeply appreciate the emails and apologize if you haven’t heard back. I’m a little overwhelmed.

P.P.P.S. My ultrasound is Jan.19th. This is the most asked question. I will let you know what I’m having, worry not. If it is a girl, it will be the squee heard round the world, I assure you.

P.P.P.S. Not that I won’t be happy with a boy.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m doing the post script thing again, aren’t I?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Some things never change, I guess.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Dammit.

(Hee.)