I’ve been thinking about allowing my son to do something I wasn’t sure I would be comfortable with five months ago.
Five months ago EVERYTHING changed.
At the beginning of the school year after we moved to different school boundaries, my husband, son and his father decided after much thought and consideration to transfer James from an academically challenging public charter school (they teach a year ahead in curriculum and 70% is a FAILING grade!)to the local middle school.
While I truly love the school, think it is valuable and a life-saver for many and like it much better for my younger son, James was MISERABLE. Many of the teachers did not like him (some did), he was picked on, had few, if any, friends and he failed at least one subject every term despite sincere effort from us both and didn’t really like many of his classes. He struggled a lot. I cop to my part in it by not being the most organized, studious, consistent parent, but I tried, ok? I was the freaking PTA President and built a good deal of that organization for 3 years and my son struggled and struggled. I felt a lot of shame and failure of my own. I don’t think I had one good parent/teacher conference and parent accountability at that school is HIGH.
We were both pretty miserable.
We finally made the decision to let him transfer.
Because he was born 4 days from the deadline and because I had always regretted the decision to start him in school instead of holding him back a year, the deal was that he begin at the school as a sixth grader instead of a 7th grader.
I was very nervous.
It has worked out so much better than I ever expected.
My son gets all A’s and B’s instead of failing something every term. He has a study/homework period so he very rarely comes home with homework vs. the two to three hours we were spending before. His teachers all like him, I had my first ever completely positive parent teacher conference for him and he is finding classes and people that he clicks with and is comfortable around. This tends to happen when you go from having 30 in your grade to 350.
He has struggles with some of the kids and has had some issues, but it IS middle school, which goes down in a lot of people’s life journals as “The Cesspool Years”.
In short: it has worked out better than I ever could have hoped for.
The thing I was NOT expecting?
His growth in the responsibility arena.
Before we moved him we lived next door to the school and had trouble getting him to school on time. LOTS OF THIS IS MY FAULT AS A PARENT. I am neither a morning person nor organized. I freely admit this and will keep working on it until the day I die.
However, lots of it was him and his inability to go 30 seconds without his focus shifting. He was 11 and if I didn’t monitor everything, he would fall into some black hole of oblivion. We really tried stepping back and letting the natural consequences come to him, but that really sucked as it seems that parents are graded in school almost as much as the children attending (Which is a rant for another day.)
I was really beginning to despair.
I also really worried about what changing him to another school would be like. We live too far to walk but not far enough for him to be on a school bus. I have very difficult pregnancies. VERY. I did not think I could make the commitment to drive him every morning. So, I made him a deal. He had to ride his bike and I would drive him on days it was too icky outside to do so.
He had exactly 2 days of biking and decided, “NO WAY, JOSE” to THAT.
So, do you know what he did?
He figured out our free bus system, which routes he had to take, what friends and classmates used those routes and for all but 2 days since school started, he has set his alarm, gotten up, dressed, hygiened (well, as much as ANY 12-year-old boy is apt to do), prepared his breakfast, packed himself up and has arrived at school ON TIME WITHOUT ONE WORD FROM ME.
He is usually out the door before I am even out of freaking bed.
He also figured out which line to take to get directly from school to his dad’s office on days they have visitation. (I need to stress that the local buses are PACKED with middle school kids. It’s basically a second school bus in the mornings and afternoons. He also just got a cell phone so he can always stay in contact with me in case of trouble.)
It isn’t just that. He has become a lot more responsible in general. He was always a respectful kid, but now he isn’t just respectful, he’s helpful. He goes out of his way to get what I ask done and then ask if I need anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, he is so not perfect and we still have struggles and worries, but when I think about the change from September to now, my jaw is on the floor.
What a little sense of succeeding can DO for a kid, huh?
So, now that I have puffed up my chest and done the bragging, proud parent thing, I have a question for you.
James is 12.
He has gotten a taste of responsibility and really likes it and wants to expand what he is allowed to do. The thing that has me floored is WHAT and HOW he wants to do this.
James is an unusual kid.
Not surprising as he is MY kid. I like it, actually. I want to encourage him in things he loves. Art, theater, etc. He is also showing a keen and repeated interest in cooking, which I also love and am quite good at. For Christmas I bought him two of his very own cook books and some other kitchen supplies and things. He has taken two terms of Home Ec. and so I feel comfortable that he knows how to work everything and what to do in case of emergency so we have been allowing him to use the stove by himself even when we are not at home to make simple things. His level of potential and interest is such that I could see him going to culinary school one day.
SO THE QUESTION ALREADY!
James would like permission for me to let him cook dinner once or twice a week. Not only COOK dinner but SHOP for dinner.
On his own.
As in, without me taking him.
He wants me to teach him how to figure out what to buy, how to shop, how to pay for it, and then when he feels comfortable shopping and paying, he wants permission on the way home from school to get off the bus at the transit center (which is in the parking lot of a grocery store) buy the ingredients and then catch the next bus home and make dinner.
Breath.
I live in a small valley. It was ranked the safest metro area in the USA last year. (and it BARELY qualifies as a metro area and only because the ENTIRE valley barely reached the minimum population and that is because of the University here.) He has a cell phone on him. The store is steps from the buses and the line he would need runs every 10 minutes.
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
I can be very overprotective because of Matthew dying. He’s my oldest kid and so I am trying to figure out a lot of this parenting stuff on him as guinea pig. Plus, times today are SO different from when I was his age. I nannied for my sister in the summers and age 12 and had been babysitting for years. I shopped at the grocery store by myself at that age. I cooked dinner at that age. I walked to school on a much busier street by myself. I could go all the freak over and stay out until dark in the summer as long as I was home when the street lights came on.
It just seems different somehow.
BUT he has been consistently amazing with trust and responsibility lately…
ARG.
I want to give responsibility but I also want to keep them safe. It was pretty tough to let him take the local bus the mile to school (and I am bracing myself for people being appalled at me for that decision). But is it really THAT big of a deal for him to get off of that bus and go 5 ft. into a store, pick up some chicken and come back on the bus?
Again, I just don’t know.
Anyone have any (respectfully stated) thoughts?
I would ESPECIALLY love to hear from those with kids in the same age or older. I would have said NO WAY IN HELL when James was 4, ya know? And also, I would really appreciate input from fellow Cache Valley people or those that know what it is like to live here. I can see this freaking someone from LA or New York totally out. Not that it SHOULDN’T, it’s just I would like to have opinions from people who know the area.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I’m gonna weigh in here even though I don’t have a child the same age. What I DO have is a little sister who is 10 years old, so I can imagine sort of where your son is at.
I think you should let him do it, for several reasons. One is that he sounds like an AMAZING kid, and I think that this would be a really great way to let him experience a little more freedom/responsibility without really straying too far from home etc. Secondly, I think that it is wonderful that he WANTS to learn this stuff because so many kids never end up learning this stuff and it’s important to learn things about financial responsibility and how to take care of yourself.
It sounds to me like he’s a responsible kid, the store is right there, and he’s used to riding the busses. You could ask him to call you when he gets to the store, and/or to call you when he’s done the shopping and about to catch the bus home. That way you’d know where he is.
The world can be a scary place, BUT I also believe that it’s not as scary as we tend to think. There are a lot of really good people out there, and because your son has become responsible, I don’t think he will have any problems.
Can he use your cell phone on those days? I agree you ought to let him, but maybe it would make you feel better if there were ground rules, yanno?
Thanks you two.
He would have his own cell phone with him. His dad (rightly) felt that he should have one if he was using the bus and so he put him on a restricted plan. He just got it so he will have it when he goes back to school. Normally, I don’t care for kids running around with cell phones that young but in this case it makes me feel MUCH better knowing we can stay in contact at all times.
So I don’t have kids, but I was 12 your sons age within the past decade, so I remember how 12 year old function.
My first instinct was to say middle ground. Like you take him a few times but just shadow. I guess that would be the teaching part. And then progress to maybe waiting in the car, which I guess it rediculous since the bus system is so awesome.
When I was in Cache Valley this summer, I felt really safe walking down the main streets so he probably will be okay.
He sounds like a really smart kid and he has a really smart mom, so I’m sure between the two of you and all the comments you’ll get from readers, you’ll have your answer in no time.
First, my son started to school when he was 4 years old, before they changed the age requirement where they have to be 5 before the start of the school year. He was the youngest child in his class, and was always way behind academically and socially. He was held back in second grade and that seemed to help.
Second, I think if he learns how to shop and cook first; then does a shopping trip with you tagging along, but not helping; then let him do it. If he is asking to do this thing, and has shown the responsibility necessary to do it then he needs to be allowed to do it.
While I’ve got a 12 year old, too, mine has issues that make what James doing extremely difficult.
However, my 9year old has had two years of cooking school and a passion for it. He is showing similar inclinations, but I’m taking him to the store to shop at this point.
He’s got transportation, he’s got motivation and that is HUGE. I’d let him do it, because it will pay off in spades. Confidence will blossom even more, and you won’t have to worry about him starving when he goes off to school.
To give you a little perspective, I’m part of a big family. At 12, I was given the task of cooking dinner five nights a week because my mom worked nights. I’m sure he’s going to knock your socks off again when you give him the okay to do this!
Alright, so my daughter isn’t near your son’s age yet (she’ll be 4 next month) and I haven’t ever been to Utah… But, my brother lives there – and has lived basically EVERYWHERE in Utah and speaks highly of how safe it is.
So, in terms of the safety issue, I think it might be okay. That’s the only real thing I would be worried about. But, it sounds like your son is smart and it sounds like he has some common sense.
I would certainly shadow him on a couple trips, maybe do the sitting in the car thing (just to see how long he’d be inside, etc) then if all goes well there, let him try it.
Another idea would be to see if he could invite a friend from school to go with him (strength in numbers – attackers are less likely to attack a group than a single person) and come for dinner as well. I think that would be the solution that I would be most comfortable with.
Anyway – it really sounds like you’ve got yourself an astounding kid. Not that I need to tell you, but you should really be proud of James.
Please let us know what you decide!
Are you crazy!? You take that boy to the store RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW and teach him how to shop!!!
Seriously, if he’s interested in taking on some more responsibility, and you trust that he’s okay in the kitchen, you tell him how delighted you are about that. Maybe you should say, “We’ll compromise at first and I will go to the store with you for a few weeks, and hang out in the kitchen with you while you cook. Then we’ll see how it goes.”
Since he’s a boy, I would freak out less about the bus thing than I probably would if it were a girl who wanted to do it.
I think it’s great that the change in schools/grades has effected such a positive change in him!
I was a kid just like your son. My mom nearly pulled her hair out trying to get me to pick up my socks and write ,y name nearly enough to pass penmanship (that part never really got better, but some battles just can’t be won). Once I figured out the responsibility=freedom equation, I was so on the ball. I cleaned, ironed, cooked, gardened – you name it. To this day, few things make me happier than knowing I’ve pleased my mom.
That said, I think you should reward your son’s responsibility with more authority — within reason. Go with him on the bus one day (your health permitting) so you can get comfortable with where he’s going to be and he can be confident in the decisions he’s going to be making along the way. The second time, let him go solo, calling at various points along the way. At this point, you’ll know roughly when he should be at each stage of his journey and whether you should be concerned if you don’t hear from him. Each trip, you can cut the number of calls back to a level that you can feel comfortable.
You’re right to be concerned. It’s a scary world out there. Make sure your son knows that it’s not that you don’t trust him to make the right decisions or to behave appropriately, it’s that you don’t always trust the world around him to behave with the same respect.
Best of luck and hugs!
Two things:
1. My mother stayed in our suburban town so that my siblings and I could stay at one of their top-tier schools, and I can honestly say that I wish she hadn’t. We were all “different” and defintely didn’t fit in with the kids or teachers there, and I honestly feel that it held us all back. Of course we all turned out okay, and I think my mother is very brave for sacrificing herself for us…but what I’m saying is I think you did the right thing by letting him transfer.
2. Is it possible to speak to the manager of the grocery store and, on the days your son comes in, have him look after him to make sure everything goes smoothly? I’m not saying he should walk your son to the bus stop, but perhaps just keep an eye on him so someone is aware of him being there by himself.
Anyway, good luck with all of it. He sounds like a wonderful kid!!
do it, do it, do it! You don’t have to commit to a schedule right of the bat, just try it a couple times and see how it goes. This is so awesome!
Isn’t it amazing what a difference a little bit of success can make?
best of luck to you and your son
Babe, I totally understand your hesitance. My girls have been catching a train on their own to get to high school since 11. Nearly killed me with worry.
But they are fine. As is your son.
I think, from the tone of this post, your main worry is going into the store, paying and catching the bus home. Perhaps you could wait at the store for him, help him make the purchases and see him on the bus and meet him at home a couple of times. Just to be sure.
I think he will do fabulously. He has already shown a maturity well beyond his years. He is a credit to you.
Email me to chat. He sounds so much like my Too.
That’s a lot of responsibility he’s after. I guess things are different now from when I was 12, and again from when you were 12.
Is there anyway you can take this in stages. Perhaps start by meeting him at the store after school and shopping with him, then just being there to collect him after he’s shopped and so on. He’s always got the cell with him and it sounds like he’s responsible enough to handle everything. I guess it’s just a case of testing things out and seeing how much is enough and not too much.
I feel like the odd one out, but I wouldn’t let him do it on his own just yet. I think that you had said you would show him how to shop, etc, and I think that is a great idea. Before he goes alone, I would go with him a couple of times, without interference, just to make sure he knows what he is doing. Then, I would make the jump to letting him go by himself. I think that Vic’s suggestion is great. Do you have time to do that with the pregnancy and stuff? That is what I have done with my own kids- both have planned and shopped and prepared meals for our family, with guidance first, and later, they were fine. But then, you know your son best, and I think if you think he is ready, he will do fine.
Ok – mine is short – check out http://www.freerangekids.com
Hey sweetie. I have a 13 year old and I’m pretty sure I’d let her take the bus and shop & cook for me if she showed that kind of interest and responsibility. Hell, I’d probably hire her as my personal chef ;-)
Seriously though, I’d make sure she had her cell phone on her and was texting me the whole time. Also? I’d most likely drive behind her secret agent style to make sure all was well.
I’m going to write my comment before I read the others.
I am a mom of a 7 year old, 4 year old, and 1 year old. I am terrified of my kids getting kidnapped. However, at this age, I’m more scared of them not watching properly for traffic. They went running (slowly shuffling actually) with me lots of times this summer and they ALWAYS forgot to watch for traffic at least once or twice as we crossed a road. Since your son is older, I’ll assume he doesn’t have that problem.
Here’s a very relevant article —
http://www.nysun.com/editorials/why-i-let-my-9-year-old-ride-subway-alone
I don’t see any problem whatsoever with him stopping at the grocery store. First of all, I have no problem with him riding the city bus. I don’t see how it’s any different than the school bus. The bus drivers don’t account for every kid and make sure they get where they need to go, so the school bus is no better than the city bus. It sounds like the only difference is that he’ll get off the bus he was already on anyway, buy groceries, and get back on — right? If so, I see zero problems. None. I would make sure he does not advertise that he’s carrying enough cash for groceries, but that’s about it.
Wow, what initiative! I have a 14 year old and none of that would have ever crossed his mind.
So, to the question. My first reaction was no, I would not let my son do that. Then I read what you wrote about the area you live.
Honestly, you know the area best. If he is already taking the bus to his dad’s office on his own, then he may be fine. As long as he has his cell on him and can call, that is important. He does need to consider the type of groceries he is going to have to haul home and the weight along with his books.
By his age I was walking to the store, doing shopping, etc. I think it is fine. I think the fact that you are concerned is good, and there can be boundaries, but it sounds like it is a good logical step. I think the age for being allowed out alone in my city (and it is definitely a big city) is 13. I think that a mature responsible 12 year old will be fine.
If you need some reassurances, have him call (or text you so he can be cool like that) at steps along the way.
Yep, let the kid do it.
Not having a 12 yr old, I just can’t say how I’d feel about the shopping alone.
But the school thing? That SO rocks. And sounds much like what I situation would be like if Payton were in an accelerated school. While I know he’s frickin’ brilliant, I’ve found even these accelerated schools are only set up for the academically talented and not the intellectually/artistically talented. There’s a big difference between the two.
Hey Loralee…
I vote for letting him. For lots of reasons, really. But mainly, you know your boy. I have a just-turned-13 year old, and he is in no way ready for that kind of responsibility. I think your guy just might feel rewarded for his responsible behavior, too, by you letting him do it. Plus, you have plenty of time to teach him the things he needs to know, AND you can get a night or more off from cooking when you’re all super-pregnant in a few months!
OK, I guess I went ahead and told you all of my reasons.
Oh, p.s., good work on ‘holding’ him back… isn’t it great when you make a decision that is SO right??
xo
b.
Wow! This boy impresses me!
I’m not a mom, and I don’t know. But…kid wants to try making dinner? Sweet.
Funny — the Motherlode blog on NYTimes was all about this yesterday — At what age do you let your kid . . . ?
I had to weigh in with something my parents used to tell me “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s the other kids/adults that I’m concerned about.”
I thought that was a cop-out when I was a kid, but now I can see myself telling that to my own kids, in all sincerity.
I love the idea of your son learning to budget, plan, shop, cook, etc. LOVE it. Perhaps you can take him along on your weekly(?) grocery runs and let him do his own cart, use his own money, meet you in the front of the store when he’s done? Somehow I don’t worry about him using the stove or sharp knives (after you’ve instructed him), etc, but I do worry about those “other people.”
I just worry that bad things can happen in even the most idealic of settings. And that, while idealistically I’m for independence, practically I’m for erring on the side of safety.
Tough call.
By 14 I was riding the L Trains and buses in Chicago by myself. The worst thing that ever happened was that at 18 I got held up on the Red Line, and the guy took my bookbag. He literally got away with TEXT BOOKS, and it was at the end of the semester, so I wasn’t even that upset about it. I was like “Here you go! Enjoy physics!”
I say yes, let him do it, and if he enjoys it, let him cook when you are huge-pregnant.
He should be rewarded for his efforts, not held back by someone else’s fears of the unknown (sorry if that sounded harsh, it wasn’t meant to be.)
Sing! Dance! Jump (a small one, you’re pregnant) around! Your son wants to help with house tasks! In your place, I would offer him high praise for volunteering but would tell him he has to have supervision at first. You can guide him (and by guide, I mainly mean sit somewhere accessible in case he has a questions) in making a menu and making a shopping list at home, then you or your husband can accompany him on the trip to the store, using the transport route that he’ll use when he’s on his own. At the store, just shadow him in case he has a question (or to guide in how to interpret unit prices for a good buy or whatever). It sounds like one trip may be enough for you to be sure he can handle it, then you can just be available by phone at home for him. How great! My oldest son is turning 10 soon and my most frequent wish for him these days is that he will find the sort of responsibility you describe James as having found…reading this post of yours has given me renewed hope!
i was that child who went to the store by herself and got what she needed for the family. of course, my mom prepared the list for me (or told me what to get), gave me the money, and drove me, but then again, i live in a town so small we barely qualify to have a school. i think shopping is a good way for him to learn responsibility. cooking too. pretty soon he’ll go to college and at least you’ll know then he won’t survive on pizza and maccaroni and cheese. i have a 20 year old nephew and 18 year old niece who go to university and that’s how they started out. they’re responsible and we know they can take care of themselves.
plus – how nice would it be for you to be able to let him get the stuff while you take care of you and the little squidge that’s microwaving inside you?
My childless self is going to chime in mostly because I was raised to be pretty self sufficient pretty quickly so as someone who actually used to go grocery shopping at 12 I thought I could give my opinion on this.
I think with the progress James has been making and the change in his behavior this would be a great added reward that is also sort of a bonus chore/school activity.
It will help him learn much needed skills about math, making lists, keeping focused, etc…and also give him a little taste of what you as a parent go through when you’re shopping.
I would say I think once a month is good enough until he gets better at it. It is a really big thing for him to attempt. I also think you should do a run through or two where you let him plan everything out and then just tag along to supervise.
Plus you get a meal you don’t have to cook. It seems like a really great opportunity for him to feel good about himself and all of the progress he has been making this year.
Also? I am SO thrilled to hear how great him switching schools has been. I remember reading about him going through all the old troubles and they broke my heart. I’m glad this has been so positive for him.
(I didn’t get a chance to read through the other comments so I apologize if I reiterated what someone else said.)
What if you or your husband take the bus with him once or twice just to see the people on it and how exactly it would all work? I don’t know your area specifically, but it sounds pretty safe. Depending how well you know the people at the store, you could even alert them that he’ll be coming and they could keep an eye on him. Have him call when he gets on the bus, when he’s safe in the store and when he’s leaving again? I have a 14yo and would allow that. Only you know how safe your area is.
And TONS of kids around here ride the city bus to and from school and to and from activities.
My oldest son will be 11 this month. We live in a small town and I panicked this summer when he wanted to walk 5 blocks to his friend’s house by himself. I let him go with his cell phone and the rules are you call me when you get there and you call me when you leave.
I’d say go with your gut. He has shown major signs of maturity and responsibility. Try it once on a trial basis. Have him call when he gets to the grocery store and when he leaves the store. I’ve always told my kids to never get close to cars and never accept a ride from someone even if you think you know them. Make a few ground rules that will make you comfortable and try it once. It sounds to me like he can handle it. It’s so hard to watch them grow up! Good Luck!
I think its fabulous that he wants to show the initiative. Of course as mommies we always tweak a little with new things on the horizon but clearly he wants that responsibility. Amen for kids. Love em all
Le him do it! I live in smallishFlorida town and I actually encouraged my children to do such things…they wouldn’t, but still…They rode bikes everywhere! I left for work every morning before they even woke up, so they also got up, dressed, ate, and rode bikes to school and were never tardy~not even once! He has asked for guidanceand ill be fine~he sounds like a great kid. Plus you can always reserve the right to yank the chain back if it doesn’t feel right.
I have two daughters (20 and 15) and I live in Cache Valley. I don’t (and didn’t) have a problem with them using the CVTD to get around.
With your son’s interest in cooking, I would encourage it. Since the grocery store is right next to the transit center, he can do the shopping for dinner. If he has his list and has a plan, he should be able to get in and out of the store in less than 30 minutes. This is about the normal time between bus runs.
You just need to make a “deal” with him. If he is going to be more that 30 minutes late he calls you. If he is more than 60 minutes late, then that will be when his mother officially freaks-out.
You will find that as he demonstrates how responsible he is (or isn’t), that your time to freak-out will change as well. Note: I didn’t say that you won’t worry. Of course you will. He will also need to know that you worry. You have just promised that you will hold the freak-out point to a reasonable level.
Also, DON”T PRE-ARRANGE the store people to look after him. Exploring on his own without everything being smoothly arranged is the type of thing that helps turn boys into men. You want him to earn the feeling that he can walk into a store on his own and come out with dinner. Let his inner caveman work through the hunter/gather phase along with how to put everything through the fire to feed his family.
Maybe later this summer both Jonathan and his dad can introduce James to grilling, BBQ and/or Dutch Oven cooking.
If my own 12yo son was so inclined, I’d be thrilled to let him take on this added responsibility! What a cool kid.
I’m Mom to a newly minted 13 year old boy, and I say go for it! :)
To ease your own mind, it might be helpful to just drive him the first couple of times and sit in the car. Point out to him that carrying a lot of groceries via a bus is REALLY a pain. (I found that out at 18 yo)
Mmm…yum! You just might get some awesome dinners out of it!
I’m not a parent but I can say this– having lived in Cache Valley for four years, relying on the bus system, I would let him in a heartbeat. Like you said, the transit system is swamped with kids and the system isn’t even that complicated to begin with. Both the drivers and the checkers at the grocery store are used to being helpful in situations like this. The drivers are especially good to look out for the kids– always willing to answer questions and very protective of the young ones. And I mean very: I have seen drivers who know enough to tell a high schooler to mind their own business if they even look like they might bug a middle schooler. And he has a cell phone. I would take him shopping once, go with him on the bus once, and then let him fly. What a great kid! And how nice to live in a place where you can let him stretch his wings in a safe way.
Here’s my two cents worth-I am on the other end of the State, I have a almost 15 year old. He was definitely responsible enough to do something like that. The cell phone factor makes it even better. Try it once, see how it goes.
I have a 12 yr old boy and this freaks me out. BUT we live in the city (Seattle) and I am way too overprotective and know it. My son is also very responsible but I think our metro area is such that I would say no. I’m interested in what your local readers say as they probably will have the most valuable advice. Comparing our two situations is like apples and oranges so it’s hard to give good advice from here. I can’t wait to read the comments!
BTW- way to go James!
I didn’t read through previous comments so I may be a broken record. I would definitely let him do it based on his strides in other areas this fall. I would start with once a week for about a month to see how it goes-also on the condition that he calls you when he gets off of the bus to shop and back on since that seems like the place for the most “error”. Then after a month or 2 like that, depending on your/his comfort level if you’re both ready for more then, ok.
I see it as really exciting for both of you-especially since he is proving around the house and at school that he is ready for more. The building of trust is SO good at this point. I talked to my girl a lot about this stuff at this age-build it now and you’ll get more freedom when you really want it as a teenager.
Oh, I miss cache valley.
Everyone has been positive, and I agree. The transit center is super safe and right by the store, there aren’t even any streets to cross. He’ll be able to make mistakes when they’re not very bad and it doesn’t matter instead of learning the hard way when it really counts. He’ll see you treating him like an adult and act more like one.
The local bus system rocks.
What a perfect situation, really.
I once read a parenting book that discussed this very issue. The author pretty much stated (I am simplifying here of course) that if a child shows responsibility and intiative in something valuable, a parent should always reinforce that behavior. The more respect and responsibility that a child has the more he will show for the parent. This is probably a turning point and will be a way that he will remember always that his parents showed him that he was a successful person. It will define what you think of him for a long time, I think.
Ok, this is coming from a mom who left her 7 1/2 year old son alone for 10 minutes the other day to run around the corner for something… and I was freaking out the whole time! That said: do it. Let him…. we live in a scary world, but our kids aren’t going to get toughened up in it if we are too sheltering. No lurker in Cache Valley is going to whisk him away, all will be well. He’ll probably end up like Jon and quit school alltogether to go be some chef in New York or something. Ok, don’t hyperventilate! He’ll be great, and YOU will get free time to NOT have to make dinner! It’s a Win Win situation!
Have Jonathan buy him a gun and teach him how to use it. Then James can carry the gun while he does his shopping. Perfect!
Ugh, I hope Craig is making a very distasteful joke…
I say go for it! He sounds like he’s responsible enough with his time and aware enough of his surroundings to take this task on! I am very impressed that he wants to shop and cook on his own! I’m still not there yet and I’m 26! As for safety, I think he’d be perfectly safe in the daytime, in a public place, with a cell phone, and on a well-known route!
I am in Orange County, but lived in Utah all my life. Even right here in Orange county I would allow this. I have 14 children, so I qualify as a mom who knows. I have had 5 twelve year olds so far and all but one would have been fully qualified to do this. You have my blessing for sure!
I would be OK with this, given the circumstances you laid out. Maybe have him call you when he gets off the bus and then when he is waiting to get back on, if you are feeling nervous the first time. I would hate to quash any helpful feelings he has, because DUDE! He wants to cook AND shop! Can I borrow him? Please?
Everyone has been absolutely great. The emails and comments have totally eased a lot of my fears.
I am in a highly vulnerable state right now and so it makes decisions like this seem really, really big and frightening. I would have fear regardless, but I know right now I am not seeing things in the most realistic light.
I’m going to talk more with his dad, and start off with the in’s and out’s of what to do and how to do it but I am feeling a lot more comfortable with it the more I think about it.
@Barb: I know Craig very well and he knows my family and has lived here (so was playing on the humor of my sickeningly safe little valley)and also knows my husband is gearing up to take a gun defense class in a few weeks and how I feel about it all-I assure you he was being funny. :)
@Sandi 14 KIDS! Wow. I admire you. And the fact that you are still sane. And upright. And have time to use the ladies room let alone comment on a blog post!
Seriously, I am in awe of the effort and organization that would take. I can barely manage 2.5!
I think some of the above ladies have already given great advice, but I would also let him – but, like some said, maybe shadow him one or two times first. My oldest is only 7, but I was 12 not too long ago – okay 13 years ago. I think he’d do okay – and I’m sure he’d gain a lot of self confidence and life skills by doing it as well.
Parenting is TOUGH, but, as much as I’ve read of your blog, I think you’re doing a great job.
Well, I think that’s wonderful! Here’s my philosophy on parenting (and keep in mind that I am not a parent, so for what it’s worth): kids ought to be kept on a leash, yes, but when they demonstrate a certain amount of trustworthiness, the leash ought to be lengthened accordingly. As James has shown great responsibility so far, I think he has earned this opportunity. At least a chance at it. And that chance can always be reigned back in if he demonstrates he can’t quite handle it, but I don’t think that will be the case.
I think this is also a great opportunity for him to learn about being an adult. It’s best to learn those lessons along the way instead of suddenly being thrown into them when you’re 18 and at college and on your own two feet for the first time.
I read an article about a year ago on Slate.com about a mother in New York City who gave her 12-year old son $20 or so, dropped him off at the other end of town, and let him find his way back on the subway system. She was criticized for doing this. What if something had happened to him? people asked. She said, “You know what? I would have been devastated.” But she recognized that she was doing her son a service in allowing him a little responsibility, and giving him a chance to learn his city. He made it home fine, and felt elated that he could do this by himself.
I was trying to find the article for you, but it’s long enough ago that I can’t quite track it down. But it was a great testament to how allowing your child the opportunity to live is beneficial for his growth.
This will be a great opportunity for you as well to flex your “letting go” muscles, which is a necessary part of every parent’s own growing experience.
Good luck!
I have two opinions on this subject.
1st…If he asks for responsibility within limits and is responsible about other areas and its not given the responsibility then he is being shown that you don’t trust him. A child that is asking from room to grown but not given the room is more apt to rebel. Everything should be tried within good clear rules and expectations and then taken away only when trust is broken.
2nd…Make it very clear this is his choice and it is nice but not an expectation. That way if this overwhelms him or if he gets picked on for being a boy and going chores in public he has room to step away without feeling like he is letting you down. I know that this is not a chore but other kids that age can be so mean.
I have 16 year old twins. I also live in a streetcar suburb of Boston, meaning that we have subway stops right near our house that the kids can use to travel all over the greater Boston area. We also have a public bus system in our little community. We’re 6 miles from the downtown of Boston.
When my kids were 12, they were both using the bus to get to and from camp in the summer, which meant walking to the bus stop, getting on and using their transport card, then getting off and walking to the camp site. At 13 I allowed them to use the subway in our town, but not into the city without an adult. At 14 they could use the subway to go into the city as long as I knew their destination and they were going to safe places. They used the subway to get to professional sports games downtown, to go shopping, and to go out to eat.
My son is also a cook, and both of my kids started cooking lessons in first grade. They have taken several years of cooking lessons, and my son does prepare most of his own meals as well as making dinner for the family. My kids go to the grocery store ALL THE TIME on their own. Nothing could be safer than a grocery store. They’re filled with moms who would watch any lone kid, even a teen. They’ve been grocery shopping on their own since they were 10. We used to live across the street from a Whole Foods, and I would send them over to pick something up almost every day. SO convenient for me!
A web site you might be interested in that is based on this topic of freedom for kids: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
I’m a HUGE believer in my kids being freerangers. My kids are way more independent than other kids, they know how to do every bit of housework including cooking, laundry, and painting, and they make their own decisions about what is and isn’t safe. We discuss things, but they have an amazing amount of common sense about what isn’t cool with me, and we rarely argue about it. My ONLY absolute rule is that they not get into cars with new drivers (which is illegal anyhow) and that they ONLY drive in the snow with parents. Otherwise, they roam pretty freely and are totally safe.
The (former) surly teen in me suggests you let him do it while he’s still volunteering. ;) (I was supposed to make dinner one night a week while I was at home — it *may* have happened once ever few months or so… )
I think it’s awesome that he wants to do all of those things.
I would let him get off the bus and do the shopping, and I would let him do the cooking (if I was home), but I think I would want to pick him up after he was done shopping, if that was possible. There is something that is somehow more nervous making about a later evening bus than an afternoon coming back from school full of kids bus.
P.S. Here’s a blog I came across today with articles by people who like to give their kids more freedom than is customary these days. Free Range Kids.
I think all of the changes that you have noted in him since changing schools, make his request a logical one that you should go with. My almost 12yo daughter, is still very much in the phase that you described your son in before the switch as far as responsiblility and attention span are concerned- so I would have to do a little more waiting with her (assuming she ever wanted to do such a thing!)- but your son sounds ready-edy-edy- and what a great boost in self esteem it will be for him when you express your confidence in his ability to do it, and then he succeeds!
My kids aren’t old enough yet, but if they showed that much interest I would let them go. As long as the called when they got there and on there way back just to have some idea what time they should be back. I would also feel better if they went with a friend or sibling.
I am sure you know him best and will make
P.P.S. It turns out the very article I mentioned is reproduced on the Free Range Kids Blog. Read it here. Turns out the child was actually 9, not 12.
What you said about him getting up and getting himself ready and to school now, to me illustrates the point, when you hate and dread where you are spending your days you are in NO HURRY to get there. LOL! I think it is wonderful that he has blossomed like this. Although, I think I would hide in the closet in cry because my baby is becoming a young man. ;-)
A couple of the other comments said to shadow him a few times and I think that is absolutely right on! Especially the part about making the aquaintance of the store managers or even the cashiers. To further that thought, have someone in the store that he can go to if he would feel threatened or followed in any way, even though he does have a cell phone, it still never hurts to have an adult that he can turn to in an instant and say “Hi, Mr. Whatsit” and can have a reply “Hi James.” Sometimes that would be all it would take to scare off a child predator following him.
The best advice I can give you, is teach him to always be aware of his surroundings. Not to be a nervous nellie, but say he’s in a store, look around to see if anyone is paying unusual attention to him or staring at him.
This sounds so wonderful. I hope it works out-Please keep us all posted!
I have NO idea.
Loralee… after you teach him this, you better teach him how to take the bus to my house. I’ll email you my weekly grocery list and he can pick mine up as well. I’ll even let him buy a candy bar for himself.
Deal?
Ease into it – tell him the first time he goes shopping that you may have to lurk around to make sure he’s okay – then you’ll either lurk or not. Or maybe he can take a buddy to the store -
I have a 10 yo that is uber responsible and a 7 yo that isn’t. :D
I think there is a compromise – say for a month – you take him, but wait in the car in the parking lot. Then, if he does well – let him try it (he may not want to keep doing it after a month.)
I actually think the bigger issue is him being in the grocery store alone – not the bus part. There is a lot to get into “trouble” inside the store – and if he knows that you are in the parking lot – he will likely stay on the narrow path.
We have a store right next to our middle and high school – and they have SO MANY PROBLEMS with the kids. They don’t let any students bring their backpacks in the store any longer. The manager told me that he feels like a babysitter from 3 to 4.
So, my suggestion is to compromise for awhile.
I may be repeating some of the other commenters because I didn’t read all the comments, but here is my two cents.
I have 2 girls. Giggles just turned 14 and The Chicken will be 11 at the end of Jan. I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule about what age kids are able to do stuff on their own, I think it is more up to what the child is able to do. And Matthew sounds like he is doing awesome and should be able to do this. (after you teach him how to shop and what not) Since he has the cell phone I would probably have him give you a call when he gets off the bus to go into the store and then another call after he has checked out and is going to get on the bus. Giggles had a cell phone at that age because she worked at a horse barn doing chores so she could ride. She has always been very responsible and so she has gotten a bit more “room”
Good Luck!
Jeez, just let him do it if he wants to. At twelve he can handle a store, especially if it’s his request. He can carry a bag home on the bus. Take off the leash and let him start doing more.
Don’t talk to the store manager, your son should be able to do shopping himself.
-clearing my throat sound-
I have been an educator for over 20 years. (god I am old).I have been a parent for just shy of 18 years (again what is with this getting old stuff???) Over the years, I have learned that children will thrive when given the opportunity to do so. You son’s achievement in school is because he is encouraged to do his best and so he does. In some schools “best” can be very different and expectations are very high (I work at one- our school has been the top elementary in our province for 10 years running) and for some children school really isn’t their thing and so they flounder. Certainly, it is up to the teacher to make it successful but the truth is, some don’t. Your choice to move him where he feels success and has ingrained personal responsibility into his persona…Brava.
Now for the Numero Dos…
My suggestion is to take him grocery shopping a few times. Show him how to choose produce correctly and what meat he should look for and how to ask questions of the store personnel. Teach him to be “a consumer” and before you know it, the store personnel will recognize him and will ask, “so what’s for dinner tonight?”
When Daughter was 13, she took the bus from our house in the “burbs” all the way to her performing arts school. The bus ride takes over and hour with two transfers. She was nervous the first week and after that, the driver knew to look for her if she wasn’t at the usual stop. I taught her to be assertive and aware. (and yes, tonight will be her last night on earth as I am ready to kill her for her mouth; which I friggin gave her and taught her to use…but I digress) She knew that if she had ANY problems, store personnel, police, bus drivers etc were safe folks to ask for help. And once she had shown us the maturity, she was given use of a cell phone versus 25cents in her pocket.
Children learn what they live….let them live ‘controlled risks’ and they will learn how to be safe and responsible.
—–sound of angels….amen—-
Good for you for and your son! He sounds like an amazing kid. I agree with the shadowing advice. You may live in a safe town, but things are different these days. I also really like the idea of talking to the manager at the store and having him keep an eye out. If your health can allow you to wait in your car or take a bus ride (and sit in the back pretending not to know your son), this sounds like an amazing opportunity for both of you. Or maybe your husband can do it once as well. Kudos to your family for all these positive changes!
I also live in utah, and I think your son sounds amazing! (I have two girls of my own) Whatever you decide, if you do let him purchase and/or prepare meals during the week, when your little one arrives I think it will be a huge benefit to you. Maybe you could just start with him preparing meals (unless he already does that) while you purchase the items from the store. whatever you decide good luck!
So glad that the school change worked out well for him.
I am a bit of a worrier myself, but still think you should go for it. We live overseas. It is a small town but here most first graders walk home on their own from school. It is just expected. I do have a bit of a problem with it but in your case I think you should just go for the shopping trip.
I think you should let him do it. What a good kid! And here’s the thing…if it turns out that he doesn’t go all squeamish about touching raw chicken, let me know. Maybe we can work out a deal where 15 years from now, when James is 27 and Teeny is 31, we can make sure they find each other and live happily ever after!
I say go for it. Sounds like your son has it all going on, I wish I could say the same for my step-son who is the same age. With my step-son the worry for us would be him forgetting what he was doing, take the wrong bus, go to a friend’s instead and not tell us, etc. LOL But it doesn’t sound to me like your son will have any problem and your little part of Cache Valley has always seemed a pretty safe and beautiful (but frosty!) place. I also have a tendency to be a little overprotective but constantly have to remind myself that they don’t grow if you don’t let ‘em. If it makes you feel better, follow him unobtrusively the first time, see how well he does, and that will probably make you feel better. Have fun, I wish I had someone to cook dinner for me! LOL
well llc
good news about school
and a cook in the family
our son would cook about twice a week but then he got married and moved away–so now we have the eternal question to face each night “what should we have for dinner?”.
enjoy it while you can
Lo,
I’ve not done this in ages…I can talk to you directly, so what’s the point, ya know? Actually, we have talked about this one directly so you know I think it would be fine for James to have this growth opportunity, but…I thought I’d make some comments on here.
1~ Things really aren’t that different from when we were kids, it’s just televised more. I heard that on NPR a couple of years ago, so it must be true… Actually, the guy who was being interviewed said that it’s a perception thing. Because we hear about more of it, we think there IS more of it…rather like the concept of plane crashes. And, for truth in advertising, the guy also said that he’s more paranoid about his kids’s safety, too…and he was the guy who wrote the book.
2~ This will come as a shock, I know: Cache Valley actually is indeed a lot safer than New York City. Also, people tend to look out for others (which may not be that different than New York City, but there are fewer to look out for here so it may be a bit easier). Case in point: “Bicycle Sid” (only locals will know about him).
and
3~ I know James. If anyone did try to do anything, I should think s/he’d be in for a “Ransom of Red Chief” funfest.
OK, I’m shutting up now…
Absolutely yes. A few ground rules, set some expectations, and then let that boy do his thing.
What a great kid! And what a great mom too.
I say yes. Let him.
As usual I’m super late with this comment but I’ve gotta say, he sounds like a GREAT kid! This whole post gives me hope for the future.
I don’t think you’re any more overprotective than I am, I took a sharpp intake of breath just reading that, so yeah. I see things from the better-safe-than-sorry perspective most of the time, especially when it comes to my kid.
BUT, that said, I think I’d let him do the shopping. 12 is a good age to really start branching out and exploring a little independence. If he was responsible enough to master the bus situation on his own, and he was smart enough to ask you up front for your help and guidance, I think you’ve got to give it to him.
Not to mention — Dinner? That someone else made? That someone else shopped for? Hello? Win. Win.
My two cents. Although I’ve never had a 12 year old so maybe let’s just call it a cent and a half.
(Ohmygod could that comment have BEEN any longer? I have no idea what my problem is lately but I swear my inner censor died or something.)
i say let him do it. give him a budget, too. if it makes you feel better, drive him to the store and wait in the parking lot. you can read blogs and catch up on email, twitter, etc. on your phone while you wait. or read a book.
I am struggling with these same issues with my 12 year old daughter. We live in a smallish city in the midwest (just over 100K in population). My daughter wants to do more things on her own with her friends, go to the mall, go to the movies, hang out at the recreation center, etc. Many of her friends’ parents are okay with them going to public places without parental supervision. I am having a really hard time letting go and letting my daughter do these things without direct adult supervision.
When I was my daughter’s age I was doing all of those things and more, including babysitting full-time on summer vacation, riding my bike for long distances (10 miles to my grandma’s house), and taking the city bus all over town. My friends and I rode our bikes and/or took the bus pretty much anywhere we wanted to go (movies, mall, swimming pool, etc). Our parents did not cart us around. We didn’t have cell phones. It was a much simpler time, for sure, but overall, I really don’t think people have changed that much. I think when we read about all of the bad stuff that is happening around the world we assume that it is happening in our own home town. I imagine in some cases it is, but I’d like to think that most people are decent. When we teach our children to be frightened of everyone we are doing them a disservice. I think we need to teach them to be smart and learn how to read other people so they can figure out who to trust. I think kids need to have independent experiences in order to develop as people. If my daughter asked to do what your son has asked to do, I would go with her a few times to make sure she knew what to do and then let her try it on her own when she was ready.
What a great opportunity for your son to prove to himself and to you that he is growing up. It is also an opportunity for him to contribute to the family. Major kudos to your son for offering to do this.
[...] point: there are large gray areas, despite laws about booster seats for eight-year [...]
I don’t have anything great to contribute that hasn’t already been said. I have 12- and 10-year-old stepdaughters that probably won’t be capable of what you described until they’re old enough to drive themselves, and yet on the other hand, when I was their age I was one of the most responsible kids I knew. (Never had as much initiative as yours though!)
What I will say is, just remember that you don’t have to go cold turkey; you can make it a “ramp” situation rather than large “steps”. I’m sure he’s itching to have full rein ASAP, but if he’s that responsible, I’m also sure that he will appreciate each little change as it comes.
For example, once you’re sure he has a grasp on the shopping methodology, letting him do his own shopping separately while you do yours is a great way to give him freedom to act without giving him freedom from your watchful eye. (Kudos to whoever posted that earlier; I’m too lazy to scroll back up and credit them.)
And remember…. you could do that once or twice, like suggested, or you could do it like that for 4 months, if that’s how long it takes before you’re confident enough to let go.
When you do let him do it alone, you can also set a lower limit than the ambitious twice a week he’s hoping for. Say, once every other week. It’s better than not at all, right? Ditto on the phone calling – definitely expect a phone call at each major step: “i’m out of school and i’m waiting for the bus”, “i’m shopping now”, “i just checked out and i’m heading over to the bus stop on the way home”.
Finally, I want to underscore and bold and italicize the awesome idea mentioned above: if your community is really that small, perhaps you can find someone at the local store that would be willing to stay aware of him, have your phone number, that kind of thing. So for instance if he didn’t show up, maybe they could call you. I think that’s a great idea.
[...] may not help me in this situation but you all were so helpful about the grocery store situation and if I should let him shop occasionally on the way home from school, that I wanted some further advice. It helps me sort out how I feel about everything to get [...]