I’ve been thinking about allowing my son to do something I wasn’t sure I would be comfortable with five months ago.
Five months ago EVERYTHING changed.
At the beginning of the school year after we moved to different school boundaries, my husband, son and his father decided after much thought and consideration to transfer James from an academically challenging public charter school (they teach a year ahead in curriculum and 70% is a FAILING grade!)to the local middle school.
While I truly love the school, think it is valuable and a life-saver for many and like it much better for my younger son, James was MISERABLE. Many of the teachers did not like him (some did), he was picked on, had few, if any, friends and he failed at least one subject every term despite sincere effort from us both and didn’t really like many of his classes. He struggled a lot. I cop to my part in it by not being the most organized, studious, consistent parent, but I tried, ok? I was the freaking PTA President and built a good deal of that organization for 3 years and my son struggled and struggled. I felt a lot of shame and failure of my own. I don’t think I had one good parent/teacher conference and parent accountability at that school is HIGH.
We were both pretty miserable.
We finally made the decision to let him transfer.
Because he was born 4 days from the deadline and because I had always regretted the decision to start him in school instead of holding him back a year, the deal was that he begin at the school as a sixth grader instead of a 7th grader.
I was very nervous.
It has worked out so much better than I ever expected.
My son gets all A’s and B’s instead of failing something every term. He has a study/homework period so he very rarely comes home with homework vs. the two to three hours we were spending before. His teachers all like him, I had my first ever completely positive parent teacher conference for him and he is finding classes and people that he clicks with and is comfortable around. This tends to happen when you go from having 30 in your grade to 350.
He has struggles with some of the kids and has had some issues, but it IS middle school, which goes down in a lot of people’s life journals as “The Cesspool Years”.
In short: it has worked out better than I ever could have hoped for.
The thing I was NOT expecting?
His growth in the responsibility arena.
Before we moved him we lived next door to the school and had trouble getting him to school on time. LOTS OF THIS IS MY FAULT AS A PARENT. I am neither a morning person nor organized. I freely admit this and will keep working on it until the day I die.
However, lots of it was him and his inability to go 30 seconds without his focus shifting. He was 11 and if I didn’t monitor everything, he would fall into some black hole of oblivion. We really tried stepping back and letting the natural consequences come to him, but that really sucked as it seems that parents are graded in school almost as much as the children attending (Which is a rant for another day.)
I was really beginning to despair.
I also really worried about what changing him to another school would be like. We live too far to walk but not far enough for him to be on a school bus. I have very difficult pregnancies. VERY. I did not think I could make the commitment to drive him every morning. So, I made him a deal. He had to ride his bike and I would drive him on days it was too icky outside to do so.
He had exactly 2 days of biking and decided, “NO WAY, JOSE” to THAT.
So, do you know what he did?
He figured out our free bus system, which routes he had to take, what friends and classmates used those routes and for all but 2 days since school started, he has set his alarm, gotten up, dressed, hygiened (well, as much as ANY 12-year-old boy is apt to do), prepared his breakfast, packed himself up and has arrived at school ON TIME WITHOUT ONE WORD FROM ME.
He is usually out the door before I am even out of freaking bed.
He also figured out which line to take to get directly from school to his dad’s office on days they have visitation. (I need to stress that the local buses are PACKED with middle school kids. It’s basically a second school bus in the mornings and afternoons. He also just got a cell phone so he can always stay in contact with me in case of trouble.)
It isn’t just that. He has become a lot more responsible in general. He was always a respectful kid, but now he isn’t just respectful, he’s helpful. He goes out of his way to get what I ask done and then ask if I need anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, he is so not perfect and we still have struggles and worries, but when I think about the change from September to now, my jaw is on the floor.
What a little sense of succeeding can DO for a kid, huh?
So, now that I have puffed up my chest and done the bragging, proud parent thing, I have a question for you.
James is 12.
He has gotten a taste of responsibility and really likes it and wants to expand what he is allowed to do. The thing that has me floored is WHAT and HOW he wants to do this.
James is an unusual kid.
Not surprising as he is MY kid. I like it, actually. I want to encourage him in things he loves. Art, theater, etc. He is also showing a keen and repeated interest in cooking, which I also love and am quite good at. For Christmas I bought him two of his very own cook books and some other kitchen supplies and things. He has taken two terms of Home Ec. and so I feel comfortable that he knows how to work everything and what to do in case of emergency so we have been allowing him to use the stove by himself even when we are not at home to make simple things. His level of potential and interest is such that I could see him going to culinary school one day.
SO THE QUESTION ALREADY!
James would like permission for me to let him cook dinner once or twice a week. Not only COOK dinner but SHOP for dinner.
On his own.
As in, without me taking him.
He wants me to teach him how to figure out what to buy, how to shop, how to pay for it, and then when he feels comfortable shopping and paying, he wants permission on the way home from school to get off the bus at the transit center (which is in the parking lot of a grocery store) buy the ingredients and then catch the next bus home and make dinner.
Breath.
I live in a small valley. It was ranked the safest metro area in the USA last year. (and it BARELY qualifies as a metro area and only because the ENTIRE valley barely reached the minimum population and that is because of the University here.) He has a cell phone on him. The store is steps from the buses and the line he would need runs every 10 minutes.
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
I can be very overprotective because of Matthew dying. He’s my oldest kid and so I am trying to figure out a lot of this parenting stuff on him as guinea pig. Plus, times today are SO different from when I was his age. I nannied for my sister in the summers and age 12 and had been babysitting for years. I shopped at the grocery store by myself at that age. I cooked dinner at that age. I walked to school on a much busier street by myself. I could go all the freak over and stay out until dark in the summer as long as I was home when the street lights came on.
It just seems different somehow.
BUT he has been consistently amazing with trust and responsibility lately…
ARG.
I want to give responsibility but I also want to keep them safe. It was pretty tough to let him take the local bus the mile to school (and I am bracing myself for people being appalled at me for that decision). But is it really THAT big of a deal for him to get off of that bus and go 5 ft. into a store, pick up some chicken and come back on the bus?
Again, I just don’t know.
Anyone have any (respectfully stated) thoughts?
I would ESPECIALLY love to hear from those with kids in the same age or older. I would have said NO WAY IN HELL when James was 4, ya know? And also, I would really appreciate input from fellow Cache Valley people or those that know what it is like to live here. I can see this freaking someone from LA or New York totally out. Not that it SHOULDN’T, it’s just I would like to have opinions from people who know the area.
Filed under: 
I have two opinions on this subject.
1st…If he asks for responsibility within limits and is responsible about other areas and its not given the responsibility then he is being shown that you don’t trust him. A child that is asking from room to grown but not given the room is more apt to rebel. Everything should be tried within good clear rules and expectations and then taken away only when trust is broken.
2nd…Make it very clear this is his choice and it is nice but not an expectation. That way if this overwhelms him or if he gets picked on for being a boy and going chores in public he has room to step away without feeling like he is letting you down. I know that this is not a chore but other kids that age can be so mean.
I have 16 year old twins. I also live in a streetcar suburb of Boston, meaning that we have subway stops right near our house that the kids can use to travel all over the greater Boston area. We also have a public bus system in our little community. We’re 6 miles from the downtown of Boston.
When my kids were 12, they were both using the bus to get to and from camp in the summer, which meant walking to the bus stop, getting on and using their transport card, then getting off and walking to the camp site. At 13 I allowed them to use the subway in our town, but not into the city without an adult. At 14 they could use the subway to go into the city as long as I knew their destination and they were going to safe places. They used the subway to get to professional sports games downtown, to go shopping, and to go out to eat.
My son is also a cook, and both of my kids started cooking lessons in first grade. They have taken several years of cooking lessons, and my son does prepare most of his own meals as well as making dinner for the family. My kids go to the grocery store ALL THE TIME on their own. Nothing could be safer than a grocery store. They’re filled with moms who would watch any lone kid, even a teen. They’ve been grocery shopping on their own since they were 10. We used to live across the street from a Whole Foods, and I would send them over to pick something up almost every day. SO convenient for me!
A web site you might be interested in that is based on this topic of freedom for kids: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
I’m a HUGE believer in my kids being freerangers. My kids are way more independent than other kids, they know how to do every bit of housework including cooking, laundry, and painting, and they make their own decisions about what is and isn’t safe. We discuss things, but they have an amazing amount of common sense about what isn’t cool with me, and we rarely argue about it. My ONLY absolute rule is that they not get into cars with new drivers (which is illegal anyhow) and that they ONLY drive in the snow with parents. Otherwise, they roam pretty freely and are totally safe.
The (former) surly teen in me suggests you let him do it while he’s still volunteering. ;) (I was supposed to make dinner one night a week while I was at home — it *may* have happened once ever few months or so… )
I think it’s awesome that he wants to do all of those things.
I would let him get off the bus and do the shopping, and I would let him do the cooking (if I was home), but I think I would want to pick him up after he was done shopping, if that was possible. There is something that is somehow more nervous making about a later evening bus than an afternoon coming back from school full of kids bus.
P.S. Here’s a blog I came across today with articles by people who like to give their kids more freedom than is customary these days. Free Range Kids.
I think all of the changes that you have noted in him since changing schools, make his request a logical one that you should go with. My almost 12yo daughter, is still very much in the phase that you described your son in before the switch as far as responsiblility and attention span are concerned- so I would have to do a little more waiting with her (assuming she ever wanted to do such a thing!)- but your son sounds ready-edy-edy- and what a great boost in self esteem it will be for him when you express your confidence in his ability to do it, and then he succeeds!
My kids aren’t old enough yet, but if they showed that much interest I would let them go. As long as the called when they got there and on there way back just to have some idea what time they should be back. I would also feel better if they went with a friend or sibling.
I am sure you know him best and will make
P.P.S. It turns out the very article I mentioned is reproduced on the Free Range Kids Blog. Read it here. Turns out the child was actually 9, not 12.
What you said about him getting up and getting himself ready and to school now, to me illustrates the point, when you hate and dread where you are spending your days you are in NO HURRY to get there. LOL! I think it is wonderful that he has blossomed like this. Although, I think I would hide in the closet in cry because my baby is becoming a young man. ;-)
A couple of the other comments said to shadow him a few times and I think that is absolutely right on! Especially the part about making the aquaintance of the store managers or even the cashiers. To further that thought, have someone in the store that he can go to if he would feel threatened or followed in any way, even though he does have a cell phone, it still never hurts to have an adult that he can turn to in an instant and say “Hi, Mr. Whatsit” and can have a reply “Hi James.” Sometimes that would be all it would take to scare off a child predator following him.
The best advice I can give you, is teach him to always be aware of his surroundings. Not to be a nervous nellie, but say he’s in a store, look around to see if anyone is paying unusual attention to him or staring at him.
This sounds so wonderful. I hope it works out-Please keep us all posted!
I have NO idea.
Loralee… after you teach him this, you better teach him how to take the bus to my house. I’ll email you my weekly grocery list and he can pick mine up as well. I’ll even let him buy a candy bar for himself.
Deal?
Ease into it – tell him the first time he goes shopping that you may have to lurk around to make sure he’s okay – then you’ll either lurk or not. Or maybe he can take a buddy to the store -
I have a 10 yo that is uber responsible and a 7 yo that isn’t. :D
I think there is a compromise – say for a month – you take him, but wait in the car in the parking lot. Then, if he does well – let him try it (he may not want to keep doing it after a month.)
I actually think the bigger issue is him being in the grocery store alone – not the bus part. There is a lot to get into “trouble” inside the store – and if he knows that you are in the parking lot – he will likely stay on the narrow path.
We have a store right next to our middle and high school – and they have SO MANY PROBLEMS with the kids. They don’t let any students bring their backpacks in the store any longer. The manager told me that he feels like a babysitter from 3 to 4.
So, my suggestion is to compromise for awhile.
I may be repeating some of the other commenters because I didn’t read all the comments, but here is my two cents.
I have 2 girls. Giggles just turned 14 and The Chicken will be 11 at the end of Jan. I don’t think there is a hard and fast rule about what age kids are able to do stuff on their own, I think it is more up to what the child is able to do. And Matthew sounds like he is doing awesome and should be able to do this. (after you teach him how to shop and what not) Since he has the cell phone I would probably have him give you a call when he gets off the bus to go into the store and then another call after he has checked out and is going to get on the bus. Giggles had a cell phone at that age because she worked at a horse barn doing chores so she could ride. She has always been very responsible and so she has gotten a bit more “room”
Good Luck!
Jeez, just let him do it if he wants to. At twelve he can handle a store, especially if it’s his request. He can carry a bag home on the bus. Take off the leash and let him start doing more.
Don’t talk to the store manager, your son should be able to do shopping himself.
-clearing my throat sound-
I have been an educator for over 20 years. (god I am old).I have been a parent for just shy of 18 years (again what is with this getting old stuff???) Over the years, I have learned that children will thrive when given the opportunity to do so. You son’s achievement in school is because he is encouraged to do his best and so he does. In some schools “best” can be very different and expectations are very high (I work at one- our school has been the top elementary in our province for 10 years running) and for some children school really isn’t their thing and so they flounder. Certainly, it is up to the teacher to make it successful but the truth is, some don’t. Your choice to move him where he feels success and has ingrained personal responsibility into his persona…Brava.
Now for the Numero Dos…
My suggestion is to take him grocery shopping a few times. Show him how to choose produce correctly and what meat he should look for and how to ask questions of the store personnel. Teach him to be “a consumer” and before you know it, the store personnel will recognize him and will ask, “so what’s for dinner tonight?”
When Daughter was 13, she took the bus from our house in the “burbs” all the way to her performing arts school. The bus ride takes over and hour with two transfers. She was nervous the first week and after that, the driver knew to look for her if she wasn’t at the usual stop. I taught her to be assertive and aware. (and yes, tonight will be her last night on earth as I am ready to kill her for her mouth; which I friggin gave her and taught her to use…but I digress) She knew that if she had ANY problems, store personnel, police, bus drivers etc were safe folks to ask for help. And once she had shown us the maturity, she was given use of a cell phone versus 25cents in her pocket.
Children learn what they live….let them live ‘controlled risks’ and they will learn how to be safe and responsible.
—–sound of angels….amen—-
Good for you for and your son! He sounds like an amazing kid. I agree with the shadowing advice. You may live in a safe town, but things are different these days. I also really like the idea of talking to the manager at the store and having him keep an eye out. If your health can allow you to wait in your car or take a bus ride (and sit in the back pretending not to know your son), this sounds like an amazing opportunity for both of you. Or maybe your husband can do it once as well. Kudos to your family for all these positive changes!
I also live in utah, and I think your son sounds amazing! (I have two girls of my own) Whatever you decide, if you do let him purchase and/or prepare meals during the week, when your little one arrives I think it will be a huge benefit to you. Maybe you could just start with him preparing meals (unless he already does that) while you purchase the items from the store. whatever you decide good luck!
So glad that the school change worked out well for him.
I am a bit of a worrier myself, but still think you should go for it. We live overseas. It is a small town but here most first graders walk home on their own from school. It is just expected. I do have a bit of a problem with it but in your case I think you should just go for the shopping trip.
I think you should let him do it. What a good kid! And here’s the thing…if it turns out that he doesn’t go all squeamish about touching raw chicken, let me know. Maybe we can work out a deal where 15 years from now, when James is 27 and Teeny is 31, we can make sure they find each other and live happily ever after!
I say go for it. Sounds like your son has it all going on, I wish I could say the same for my step-son who is the same age. With my step-son the worry for us would be him forgetting what he was doing, take the wrong bus, go to a friend’s instead and not tell us, etc. LOL But it doesn’t sound to me like your son will have any problem and your little part of Cache Valley has always seemed a pretty safe and beautiful (but frosty!) place. I also have a tendency to be a little overprotective but constantly have to remind myself that they don’t grow if you don’t let ‘em. If it makes you feel better, follow him unobtrusively the first time, see how well he does, and that will probably make you feel better. Have fun, I wish I had someone to cook dinner for me! LOL
well llc
good news about school
and a cook in the family
our son would cook about twice a week but then he got married and moved away–so now we have the eternal question to face each night “what should we have for dinner?”.
enjoy it while you can
Lo,
I’ve not done this in ages…I can talk to you directly, so what’s the point, ya know? Actually, we have talked about this one directly so you know I think it would be fine for James to have this growth opportunity, but…I thought I’d make some comments on here.
1~ Things really aren’t that different from when we were kids, it’s just televised more. I heard that on NPR a couple of years ago, so it must be true… Actually, the guy who was being interviewed said that it’s a perception thing. Because we hear about more of it, we think there IS more of it…rather like the concept of plane crashes. And, for truth in advertising, the guy also said that he’s more paranoid about his kids’s safety, too…and he was the guy who wrote the book.
2~ This will come as a shock, I know: Cache Valley actually is indeed a lot safer than New York City. Also, people tend to look out for others (which may not be that different than New York City, but there are fewer to look out for here so it may be a bit easier). Case in point: “Bicycle Sid” (only locals will know about him).
and
3~ I know James. If anyone did try to do anything, I should think s/he’d be in for a “Ransom of Red Chief” funfest.
OK, I’m shutting up now…
Absolutely yes. A few ground rules, set some expectations, and then let that boy do his thing.
What a great kid! And what a great mom too.
I say yes. Let him.
As usual I’m super late with this comment but I’ve gotta say, he sounds like a GREAT kid! This whole post gives me hope for the future.
I don’t think you’re any more overprotective than I am, I took a sharpp intake of breath just reading that, so yeah. I see things from the better-safe-than-sorry perspective most of the time, especially when it comes to my kid.
BUT, that said, I think I’d let him do the shopping. 12 is a good age to really start branching out and exploring a little independence. If he was responsible enough to master the bus situation on his own, and he was smart enough to ask you up front for your help and guidance, I think you’ve got to give it to him.
Not to mention — Dinner? That someone else made? That someone else shopped for? Hello? Win. Win.
My two cents. Although I’ve never had a 12 year old so maybe let’s just call it a cent and a half.
(Ohmygod could that comment have BEEN any longer? I have no idea what my problem is lately but I swear my inner censor died or something.)
i say let him do it. give him a budget, too. if it makes you feel better, drive him to the store and wait in the parking lot. you can read blogs and catch up on email, twitter, etc. on your phone while you wait. or read a book.
I am struggling with these same issues with my 12 year old daughter. We live in a smallish city in the midwest (just over 100K in population). My daughter wants to do more things on her own with her friends, go to the mall, go to the movies, hang out at the recreation center, etc. Many of her friends’ parents are okay with them going to public places without parental supervision. I am having a really hard time letting go and letting my daughter do these things without direct adult supervision.
When I was my daughter’s age I was doing all of those things and more, including babysitting full-time on summer vacation, riding my bike for long distances (10 miles to my grandma’s house), and taking the city bus all over town. My friends and I rode our bikes and/or took the bus pretty much anywhere we wanted to go (movies, mall, swimming pool, etc). Our parents did not cart us around. We didn’t have cell phones. It was a much simpler time, for sure, but overall, I really don’t think people have changed that much. I think when we read about all of the bad stuff that is happening around the world we assume that it is happening in our own home town. I imagine in some cases it is, but I’d like to think that most people are decent. When we teach our children to be frightened of everyone we are doing them a disservice. I think we need to teach them to be smart and learn how to read other people so they can figure out who to trust. I think kids need to have independent experiences in order to develop as people. If my daughter asked to do what your son has asked to do, I would go with her a few times to make sure she knew what to do and then let her try it on her own when she was ready.
What a great opportunity for your son to prove to himself and to you that he is growing up. It is also an opportunity for him to contribute to the family. Major kudos to your son for offering to do this.
[...] point: there are large gray areas, despite laws about booster seats for eight-year [...]
I don’t have anything great to contribute that hasn’t already been said. I have 12- and 10-year-old stepdaughters that probably won’t be capable of what you described until they’re old enough to drive themselves, and yet on the other hand, when I was their age I was one of the most responsible kids I knew. (Never had as much initiative as yours though!)
What I will say is, just remember that you don’t have to go cold turkey; you can make it a “ramp” situation rather than large “steps”. I’m sure he’s itching to have full rein ASAP, but if he’s that responsible, I’m also sure that he will appreciate each little change as it comes.
For example, once you’re sure he has a grasp on the shopping methodology, letting him do his own shopping separately while you do yours is a great way to give him freedom to act without giving him freedom from your watchful eye. (Kudos to whoever posted that earlier; I’m too lazy to scroll back up and credit them.)
And remember…. you could do that once or twice, like suggested, or you could do it like that for 4 months, if that’s how long it takes before you’re confident enough to let go.
When you do let him do it alone, you can also set a lower limit than the ambitious twice a week he’s hoping for. Say, once every other week. It’s better than not at all, right? Ditto on the phone calling – definitely expect a phone call at each major step: “i’m out of school and i’m waiting for the bus”, “i’m shopping now”, “i just checked out and i’m heading over to the bus stop on the way home”.
Finally, I want to underscore and bold and italicize the awesome idea mentioned above: if your community is really that small, perhaps you can find someone at the local store that would be willing to stay aware of him, have your phone number, that kind of thing. So for instance if he didn’t show up, maybe they could call you. I think that’s a great idea.
[...] may not help me in this situation but you all were so helpful about the grocery store situation and if I should let him shop occasionally on the way home from school, that I wanted some further advice. It helps me sort out how I feel about everything to get [...]
Thanks, thats quite useful to know! I must admit I’m a bit useless in the kitchen, but I’m trying my best to learn. Admitting is the first step to recovery right!!? I promised to cook a whole meal for my wife this weekend for the first time – very exciting! I found some simple recipe at this site, seems to be designed exactly for people like me, which is great! Anyway, thanks, I’ll be sure to subscribe to this site to read more later.
That story was better than a new episode of Human Target.