*A little update. Things are looking a little brighter just now. Why? My husband. He came home at the worst POSSIBLE moment and said, ‘I have your Christmas present’ and put a package on the bed. My jaw dropped. It was a new phone with a QWERTY keyboard and mp3 player because he knows I don’t always have my shuffle with me. (Those who know me have known the piece of crap phone I’ve been using for a long time and the frustration it’s been.) He gave it to me today because they de-activated my phone to get this one working instead of waiting like he asked them to. It’s even red.
I was really surprised and very touched.
The phone is lovely, really, but that isn’t remotely what made me happy. It’s just…so thoughtful of him. I didn’t have to dictate, spell-out, or beg for it to happen and it was just…lovely. I don’t think even I realized how much I needed this gesture from him right now.
I love him for it.
###
I love Christmas, I really do.
There are few things as deeply peaceful and joyful to me as sitting in pajamas on the couch with the lights dimmed in a sparkly clean house that is decked out for Christmas, sipping cocoa, listening to Christmas music and watching the lights twinkle on the tree while snow falls gently out side.
It’s all very Thomas Kincade-ish, but I love it.
That hasn’t happened this year.
I have been such a bah-humbug.
Seriously.
Some years the underbelly of Christmas, you know-the deep melancholy that exists alongside the loving spirit and Christmas cheer, wins out over the peaceful happiness and wraps me up in a ball of sadness and dysfunction.
I have so much to be grateful for, really I do. I KNOW THIS. (Really, pinky swear that I do). I know people are going through a lot worse. I’m grateful to have a family, the ability to procreate, working plumbing adn heat, shelter, food, and the ability to buy presents for my kids. It is way more than many in the hideous state our country is in. Plus, gas prices are AWESOME right now. (One less thing, ya know?)
But…
The negative list has been stacking and piling to the point that it has pulled a coup de ta and has banished the awesome side of Christmas for me this year.
The sheer work load of Christmas has me undone. I usually supervise (ie-give a shit about) the placement of decorations and ornaments, but this year I just let the kids have at it. The result is…well…picture Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree but all over a house and you will get the idea. The up side is that it is at least charming because I know my kids did it. I put off shopping until this week and it’s about killed me. I managed to get the kids taken care of and Jonathan is getting a trip to Nevada to participate in a 5-day tactical class. I will only have one Christmas present under the tree for me (the newest Elizabeth George book, which is pretty groovy) to unwrap Christmas morning and I don’t even care, which is odd for me. I LOVE gifts. Love them. I just don’t want to have to tell people what to get me, what I want, what I need.
I don’t even know.
Despite lots of notice and careful orchestrations, Christmas Eve plans and Christmas day plans have changed more times than Lindsay Lohan’s rehab locations. The last one was tonight at 7pm and my brain is starting to melt. I finally decided to give friends and family New Years gifts because honestly? I can’t get it done by Christmas.
Really, though…that is superfical crap that isn’t even important.
My personal life is undergoing a lot of painful and difficult things. I can’t even MENTION a peep about half of them here. So many deeply painful, hurtful things. So many relationships in tatters or destroyed, my extended family has been ripped to shreds the last month by huge issues that I don’t know will ever be resolved and healed, I have overwhelming daily fear about this pregnancy and afterward that I am often rendered completely immobile. I have nightmares every.single.night and wake up with my stomach hurting so bad that I’d probably have to vomit even if I wasn’t pregnant. After being free of them for 2.5 years, I am starting to have panic attacks again.
I miss Matthew.
It’s hard to see any semblance or representation of baby Jesus and NOT think about him.
I actually can’t talk any more about that. My throat aches and my eyes are threatening to spill over right now.
I’m overwhelmed, I guess.
And tired.
So freaking tired.
Plus, my children will not stop speaking entirely in pig latin, which is enough to drive anyone to the edge of insanity, I suppose.
Chalk this up to exhaustion and the day. Label it a big, fat, whiny post. I really don’t care.
I just needed to vent and talk.
Sometimes it helps me feel better.
And I want to be.
Hopefully by Christmas Eve?
It would be super awesome if that could happen.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
P.S.
I hate eggnog. Just so you know.
Can I share a secret with you, Loralee? Typically, I love Christmas, but this year I just want to throw my tree out the window and tell my entire family to piss off. No matter what I have done this year, something has gotten in my way of actually getting ANYTHING done. I drove to Tulsa yesterday to buy Christmas presents for my daughter (we wanted to go ALL out for her this year as it’s her last as an only child) and the MOMENT I get there my car starts acting up. Hmph. Then, I thought I set my wallet down at Chili’s and left it last night (with all my Christmas money in it) and had a COMPLETE meltdown this morning when I got to work. It was so bad that at one point my manager came into the bathroom where I was crying my eyes out and told me that a customer had approached her and told her she thought someone was seriously injured in the bathroom… Luckily 10 minutes later my husband called and told me that he found my wallet – money and all – sitting all alone in the middle of my recliner. In plain sight. Ugh.
So – I’m so sorry to rant here, I’m almost done! I’m right there with you. There’s plenty of other drama going on in my life right now that only fuels the fire more – that’s just portions of the last two days. I guess misery loves company.
I hope you get to feeling more jolly soon, dear. Lord knows you deserve to.
And – I’m sorry, but the further into gestation you get, the creepier your ticker becomes. The umbilical chord on that thing looks like a gigantic baby boner and it’s really freaking me out. (Sorry! It’s actually a really cool idea other than that!)
XOXO
Yup. I am totally understanding of the whole “Tree out the window”.
I know the ticker is way weird looking. There were exactly two that I could find that would fit in my sidebar and to be honest, it was just as creepy.
I didn’t think that I would even put a ticker on my blog but I was getting eleventyhundred emails and questions about when I was due.
And even though I don’t find out what I’m having until Jan. 19th, if my baby ends up having a freaking boner I will curl up and cry some mighty tears for a day or two.
(I really want to buy pink after three boys. Sigh.)
I think the bah humbug blew in with the cold air from Canada. I’ve got it too. And I hate egg nog too. Maybe we need to just leave and we can commiserate together?
I also get the Christmas ‘blahs’…. I spend months making, sewing, buying presents for various and sundry family and friends… but like a little kid, I’m always disappointed when few reciprocate. I think I’ve finally learned. The hard way.
Christmas has been fired. I fired it in October when Costco started carrying holiday stuff.
Also, eggnog is the devil’s juice. Ick squared.
Love you!
Well, the pig latin thing alone is enough to drive a girl bonkers.
But, I also have a huge case of the Blahs. It’s the first Christmas without my Grandma which makes me SO sad and is hard enough alone. BUT NOW, we’re in the midst of a huge snowstorm and I’ve not been able to get out and about to finish my shopping and it’s looking like I may not even be able to get over the mountains to get to the coast to spend Christmas with my dad.
I just kinda want to press fast forward and have it all be over.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. How about some jello? Would that help? (heh)
I make great cappichino eggnog that I bet you’d like.
Pig latin – that’s just awful dude. Tell them Santa doesn’t bring gifts to children who speak pig latin. Sounds cruel but he was a real asshole to Rudolph in that kiddie cartoon right? So it’s plausible.
I just love you.
But you know that :)
I am so sorry to hear that. Christmas is a holiday that seems to demand a lot of work and it doesn’t help that you have the other issues stacking on top of it. My thoughts are with you.
I feel that way too. I got the tree up and pulled out three crates of Christmas books, and that’s where my Christmas spirit stopped.
And the world hasn’t ended. Go figure! The kids haven’t even (really) noticed.
Your post and follow-up comments remind me of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, where the daughter is complaining to the mom about having to share her room with her disgusting younger brother, and how her grandparents embarrass her when they answer the phone. Beverly D’Angelo utters the BEST holiday line ever:
“Well, I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.”
Hallelujah, holy sh*t. Pass the Tylenol.
:D
Usually Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year? I feel the same way you do. I can’t make myself care, the tree is unbelievably ugly, the last thing I feel like doing is spending another damn day stuck in this house with my family (we’ve been dealing with snow, in Seattle, where no one knows how to handle snow, for a week now). I would even take being able to go to the office at this point. (deep breath) Anyway, I get what you are feeling. Completely.
I have not liked Christmas since 1979, the year I got divorced from a pig of a husband, and for him to agree to sign the papers, I had to agree to let him have the children every Christmas. And Christmas was the ONLY time of year he wanted them, and I felt like he only did that to punish me.
For many years, I was alone on Christmas, while my 3 babies spent the holiday with their father. Now, the Christmas celebrations don’t mean a thing to me, the “idea” of Christmas does, though. I don’t decorate, I usually don’t do gifts, and I don’t expect my children to do it for me either.
Anyways, that is why I don’t like Christmas.
And on the other stuff: I also have things I can not blog about regarding my extended family, as they read my blog and they think they have done nothing wrong, but they have hurt me so much this year. My mother, who of course is MY mother but who treats me like I am a step-child (yeah, I know I am 56); my sister who is so selfish, greedy, and full of herself; my daughter in law who just left my son and took my grandson away with her to England so I will never see him again. All these people who claim so much to love me who are stomping on my heart. It is almost too much to take. Living in an RV in the desert with my sweet FabGrandpa makes life livable.
Awww, this sucks.
That you can’t express yourself freely on your own blog.
That you’re dealing with family crap.
That the holidays aren’t what you want them to be this year.
That the kids are talking in that awful pig latin.
That you’re having nightmares.
That you’re worried about this baby.
I mean, any one of them would suck. But all of it? Come over here, so I can give you a hug. I understand it-all of it. (my husband’s job did the sweetest thing and I can’t blog about it. ugh.)
And New Year’s presents? Awesome idea, because it perks everyone up after the post Christmas ‘it’s over’ let down. Brilliant idea!
Not quite right there with you, but definitely not in the Christmas spirit here either. It’s snowing and snowing and snowing, and this is Seattle, so we’re stuck inside. I’ve been home pretty much constantly for a week and counting (with probably another week to go) with a teething toddler. Oh, and my in-laws are coming for Christmas and staying until Sunday.
And I’m grateful to be pregnant and all, but I would pretty much kill for a glass (or three) of wine right now :)
Sigh. I feel better now.
Anyway, I’m sorry you’re having so many relationship issues and big things going on. And I cannot even imagine how much you must miss Matthew everyday. Your strength is amazing.
Hang in there, vent away, and know that people out in the internet world do care and are sending virtual hugs your way.
Merry Christmas magic being sent your way =)
I think I get it. And I think the best advice possible is to just boycott everything and eat a bunch of cookies. Seriously, win-win, right?
Awww, honey. I am sorry things are so awful in your family right now. As if you don’t have enough to stress about. I don’t know what’s happening so I won’t say I understand what you’re going through. But I do know what shock and betrayal feel like, and they suck.
I’m here, anytime you wanna exchange multiple thank-you-no-thank-YOU emails. ;-)
My friend and I were discussing how much it sucks to not be able to complain on your own blog w/o trolls saying “Heh! You think YOU’VE got something to complain about? What about the poor people of (wherever) who live in flaming garbage dumps full of toxic waste and who survive on maggots and tin scraps? What about them, you uncaring bitch?”
Well. Got that off my chest. Hope it gets better. Hugs.
“Some years the underbelly of Christmas, you know-the deep melancholy that exists alongside the loving spirit and Christmas cheer, wins out over the peaceful happiness and wraps me up in a ball of sadness and dysfunction.”
Honey this is me every year!
You are not alone. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry for what ever your family is going through. I want you to know that I pray for you every night. I hope it will get better soon. (((HUGS)))
I know you get some mean old nasty trolls around here who will give you grief, and to them I say, Fuck Off on your behalf. You have a right to feel overwhelmed and stressed and Bah-Humbuggy, but I hope you know there are a lot of people out here sending you loves and hugs and virtual cocktails (cuz you don’t drink the real ones), and hope that you get that night on the couch with the cocoa and the happy feelings, if not before Christmas, than at least sometime in the general vicinity.
You just haven’t tried MY eggnog. That carton crap is, well crap…
I have promised to post the recipe on Christmas Eve, so it will be plenty of time for you to make it. Seeing I live in the future and all.
And babe, you KNOW I am always there for you. I am a great listener. And never divulge the details to a soul. Short attention span you see… ooooh!!!! Something shiny!!
Most of us here have a lot to be grateful for, but when you don’t live through what others are suffering with, it’s rather hard to relate to that. Try and get some rest, take some time for you. I know we all worry, but if you’re short on sprouts on the day Christmas will still go on. Best that you’re happy and well.
*Hugs*
I’m with you on this. If my kids weren’t still pretty young, I’d say forget gifts altogether. I’m trying to pretend to have some sort of Christmas spirit for their sake, but I’m not feeling it and really Friday couldn’t come soon enough. Is that horrible? I can’t help it this year.
Oops, can’t even comment right, hit submit too soon. I meant to add, we’ll get through this, and I hope all the other stuff that you have going on gets better too. Try to take care of yourself.
I am so sorry to hear about all the crap going down in your life. If you want to know the true secret to happines…
it’s…
Still waiting? Me too. I don’t think there’s a solution. Maybe? Just a daily choice to care a little bit less about the things we can’t control? Maybe just be yourself and people will love you. If they don’t, kick ‘em to the curb!
I’m just a random reader who rarely comments, but I think about you a lot. My heart aches for your loss and every time I think about you (having seen a caroler or a redhead or something) I say a little prayer for this pregnancy. Is that creepy? Probably. But I’m super hormonal and super happy that you’re having a baby and I like your blog, etc. etc. WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS?
No idea. But if I lived nearby I’d say we should go get pedicures.
I’m no Christmas lover either but after having my first baby last year on Christmas day I have something to look forward to this time of year!! I should be happy this year, but I am sitting here crying because my baby is going to be a year old!! My husbad keeps telling me its my attitude and if I didn’t keep saying that winter sucks than maybe it won’t. I’m not so sure about that, but maybe I could try.
It’s just so hard this year since my hours at work were cut way down a few months ago and we havn’t made our mortgage payment in 4 months and I am not sure how much longer we will have our house. But at least we have a roof over our heads for right now, which is good since it is below zero outside and more snow than anyone should have to seen in an entire winter. Sorry to vent in your comments, I just don’t have a blog of my own to vent on and I wanted to let you know that your not the only one that hates egg nog. Blah, that stuff is nasty!!
I had to add that it is MINUS 21 degrees here in N. Minn. I am very, very thankful to have a warm home.
nuff said…
I’ve got a few bottles of tequila, and will be happy to do the margaritas after the kid comes. For now, how about some nice home made hot chocolate with little marshmallows and a candy cane in it?
Ugh. I’m sorry everything is so stressy. It seems to me that for some reason, 2008 was just sucky for almost everyone I know. It’s hard to switch gears and try to enjoy Christmas as normal. We didn’t even get a tree this year, our house is way too small, but mostly I didn’t want to do all the work of putting everything up then taking it all down. I hope you feel a little more Christmasy soon, but if not… it will all be over soon!
The first time I read this, I thought “I REALLY hope she finds something wonderful and unexpected under the tree on Christmas morning.” Apparently Santa came early.
The other stuff sucks though. Sorry about that.
Does anybody like egg nog? It looks like melted ice cream to me. Ick.
So sorry about everything shitty that’s going on right now. I was so happy to see the little update about the phone, though…sometimes, the little things make the biggest difference. Hugs to you, Loralee!! xoxo
It’s so hard to predict when the bah humbugs are going to come knocking. (Which of course you already know.) I’ve been battling my own version of Winter Blues this December, and I’ve had to come to accept that it’s OK, to feel down for reasons known and unknown. Hugs to you this Christmas and, well, always.
(I can only have about two glasses of eggnog a year. Maybe.)
I totally wasn’t feeling the Christmas thing this year either. I didn’t want any presents and I didn’t want to give any. So I told my mother-in-law and she and I agreed that instead of exchanging presents we’d pool our money and donate to a charity or two.
We’re the planners of the family, everyone else just goes along with what we say. :D
I’ve instead been focusing on my family and creating memories.
Congrats on the new phone. I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs.
I too feel the humbug. And I too feel it at a time when great celebration should fill my heart. And I too have family issues and broken hearts and spirits that I don’t even know where to begin to fix them.
I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed. And in the midst of it all, something has happened I I will have to send you the hedgehogs rather than delivering them to you. I believe I have your address, but sadly, they won’t be there for the big day.
And lastly, for what it’s worth, I wish you a Merry Christmas; in your heart first and foremost and then in your home.
XOXO
4
PLEASE DO NOT STRESS THE HEDGEHOGS!
Omg, with everything that is going on in your life the very last thing you need to be concerned with is THAT.
You are amazing for even thinking of it at all and that is more than enough!
I hope things get better for us both.
xoxooxxo
L.
I had to do it. I went back in the Archives. (I know you say not to, but you teased with the prospect of Messiah and I couldn’t find a @$^%^#5n Sing In this year!)
Good God, woman, that was fantastic, video issues and all. ‘Tidings’ was my NYSMMA audition piece many years ago, when I still was considered a Mezzo, so I have soft spot. I think hubby liked this one better than the Atlanta Symphony CD that I’ve been subjecting him to all week long.
Wow-I need to come to Utah and see a performance next year.
loralee, i hate christmas, for all the right reasons. but…………. what i wanted to say is i am with you on your comments to tanis. damnit!!!! steve
well if you need to vent you know i am here. i can totally relate…but you know that!
Lindsay Lohan is such a wild girl!