You never know what is going to happen when you go to lunch with Moosh in Indy.
You may end up vomiting your life story over sushi.
You may end up going to get a bangin’ (Yet EXPENSIVE) new ‘do like we did last year.
Or you may have the afternoon conclude by having hot wax slathered all over your floss-covered girlie bits and ripped out by an enthusiastic esthetician named Jen while you make unearthly sounds that sound like a chicken being gang-raped with a Renaissance flute by a pack of rabid dogs.
Or all of the above may happen.
She’s a wily one, that Moosh.
She can somehow make the most frightening things seem magically appealing.
Like dancing COLD STONE SOBER like two drunk sorority girls in a quarterbacks frat room bitch fightin’ over who gets to use the fuzzy pink handcuffs on the PRACTICALLY EMPTY dance floor at BlogHer while hundreds of people looked on at the edges with their cocktails thinking “DOOD! What the hell is with the Mormons?”
(Yeah. I know, I know, my LDS readers, I live in Utah, I don’t drink, but I’m inactive. Try explaining the difference to the masses of Gentiles. So, I go with the flow, people. Besides, do you have any idea how popular you become at BlogHer when you have cocktail tickets to give away? And yes, I do believe that we are trying to do-si-do while doing the Texas Star in that there fo-tee-graph. I couldn’t have asked to be dorky with a better gal.)
Where was I again?
Oh, yes.
Waxing of my nether regions.
Specifically, getting a Brazilian wax.
For those not in the know, a Brazilian wax is taking off EVERY BIT OF HAIR from your inner thighs, pubic area, vaginal area and, to put it as delicately as possible, the insides of your backside coin slot.
I’ve been thinking about doing it for a really long time. Since August 26, 1996 to be precise. That would be the day that I was in labor with my first born, the lights were blaring, my legs were in stirrups, and the fateful words, “We’re going to wheel in a mirror so you can see” were uttered.
Wheel it in they did. A big freaking mirror that showed my lit up girlie bits in all their glory.
I took one look and my brain started melting in horror.
“GOOD HOLY HELL! THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE?!! GAH!!!!!!!!!”
Seriously. My retinas were seared and I don’t believe that they have ever recovered from THAT sight.
So, I tried various things.
I tried Nair. (GAH!)
I tried shaving. (GREAT for like ONE DAY, then it feels like you are perpetually rubbing against a cactus.)
I wanted to do laser treatments, but things like feeding my family are more of a priority.
So? Waxing was left.
But I am a total COWARD.
Until NOW.
I did it.
I went Brazilian all the way, baby.
One moment we were driving down the road and Casey was telling me she only had an hour-and-a-half for lunch because she had a Brazilian wax appointment and the next, I was sitting next to her on a deliciously comfy couch, leaning against heart-shaped pillows waiting to be horrifically tortured “Brazilian-ed”. (The moment would have been a lot better if Tanis would have been home when we called to tell her the news. Btw, Tanis…Your mailbox is full, dammit.)
I am now as bald as a ping pong ball on my mons pubis.
Well, ALMOST.
Since this was a spur of the moment thing, I will have to have a bikini wax again in a few weeks to take care of the areas I shaved. I may not have ever had the bit-bit waxed, but I DO groom, people. That growth was too short for the wax to YANK OUT OF MY BODY so, I get to have a little revisit later down the road.
So.
The question that I would be DYING to ask if I were you and reading this bit of pubic hair drivel.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE????
I am not going to lie.
If you embarrass easily? YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED.
They get a good long look at EVERYTHING.
I think my OBGYN hasn’t seen NEARLY as much of me at this point.
You have to contort, bend, pull skin back and have your petals of preciousness spread very open to the eyes of the person holding a wax pot in her gloved hands.
Luckily for me, I have boundary issues and have birthed three kids and have spent decades changing in front of people in theater, so this wasn’t a biggie for me.
The pain, though?
THAT WAS A VERY BIG FRIGGING DEAL.
It was PAINFUL at times, people.
PAINFUL WITH A CAPITAL “P”.
Casey took great delight standing outside the door for a segment as I screeched out loud exclamations of pain after each rrrrrrrrrrrrrip! It was kind of weird. I was trying to have this conversation with the esthetician as she spread the wax and put the cloth strip on. Then there would be a big pause where she knew it was time to rip the strip off and I knew she had to do it.
“So, you used to weigh almost 300 lbs?! How did you lose the weight?”
“Well, I was 19 and I had a gastric…”
…RIP!!
“HOLY FRACKING FREAKING FRACK ON A FRACKING FREAKING ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“You had a gastric bypass when you were 19? Is that what that scar is from, then?”
“Yes. I had it done so long ago that they weren’t really doing laser…”
…RIP!!!
“SWEEEEEETTT BABY JESUS ON A TRICYCLE, BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“…surgery yet. So, I am stuck with this massive scar…”
…RIP!!!
“#(*&@$#*()*@()&)*$#()*#!)#*@)$#*(&R%*#&$*@)#*(@)I(@_*$#(_#$&*@_!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“How are you holding up, Loralee?”
“Well, to quote Oprah, “My va-jay-jay is PAININ’!!!!!!!!!!”
At some point, I stopped the exclamations and ended up just gurgling and snorting incoherently out of my nose.
The worst was that I didn’t know when to brace for the really bad pain. Areas that I really thought wouldn’t be a big deal were a level 11 on pain. It hurts the most at the fleshy front part. Weird, huh? I wouldn’t have guessed that would be the big owie area. Luckily, this is only two wax strips that are really bad. The rest are much easier to take.
The interesting thing is that the areas that I really expected to hurt the most, didn’t. I was very concerned about my backside (which for the record? Is the area I was very most excited to be hair free. I wasn’t wrong.). It barely phased me.
I was also VERY concerned for the tiny area of YEE HAW! that god allotted us females. If my clitoris got waxed off, I was going to be really pissed off.
It was fine. YEE-HAW! still intact and it didn’t even hurt that much.
Whew.
After I was done, I was sweating like I’d run a mile because I my body had been really tense for a half-an-hour. Jen told me I did “REALLY well” for a first timer and gave me a pat on the back and a gold star on my forehead and I limped out to pay the reasonable $50.00 fee plus tip.
It was a painful 2 hour drive home.
I still had bits of wax on my skin that would stick to my jeans on occasion. Worse, I had a performance that night and it. was. hell.
The only thing that made it bearable was getting to tell my story of woe to my fellow caroler, Laura, who noticed my face contorting in pain every time my hoop skirt got jostled. She laughed HEARTILY at the whole story, which made ME feel much better. I love making people laugh. Just in case you didn’t know.
(Although, I feel so bad. Laura and I went to college together and she just discovered my blog and has been reading it backwards. Her nickname is “La” and she JUST told a friend how she wanted to have a sign in her house that said, “FA-LA-LA-LA-LA!”. THEN, she read my post about me wanting Jonathan to “Lay me down by the yule fire and Fa-la-la-my LA”. I think I pretty much ruined that saying for her for FOREVER and could have quite possibly driven her to the brink of mental insanity with the imagery. Sorry, La! You know I love you! I’m such an awesome friend. Sigh.)
After my performance I had to meet Jonathan to attend a party. A very elegant, wonderful party held in one of the most beautiful houses I have ever been in. I was in a lot of pain. By the end of the night I inched over to the gorgeous bathroom to check things out and my jaw dropped. I pulled Jonathan aside in panic looking for sympathy for my hoo-hoo plight.
“OMG! Honey! My poor little kitten IS BRIGHT, FLAMING RED!!!!”
“Hey, it IS Christmas. We could pretend that it’s like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and it could TOTALLY guide my sleigh tonight.”
I have such an understanding spouse.
My girlie bits looked really woeful for a couple of days and stayed really tender to the touch until today.
Now?
IT IS FREAKING HEAVEN!
It was totally worth the pain. TOTALLY. And although it was pretty bad, it wasn’t AS bad as I imagined in my head. The worst of the pain was short and I know it will never hurt as much as the first time again. I am going to absolutely, completely and in all other ways, keep it up. I will absolutely get laser treatments down the road.
Even though it was a total given, Jonathan LOVES it.
I love it.
I love the way my underwear fits.
I love that I feel a million times more hygienic.
I love that nothing catches on anything when I stand up, sit down, or fight! fight!! fight!!!.
I LOVE the silky, silky, SILKINESS. (NUFF SAID)
And?
I KNOW I’m going to love it on my anniversary this weekend.
Heh.
I’m thinking of getting a spa to sponsor “WaxHer ’08″ in Chicago.
I’ll call it “moosh your tush”
Srsly.
Moosh, that’d be an interesting thing to add onto our BlogHer admission! :)
I pity the person calling to salons throughout Chicago “Yeah, I’d like to make reservations for Brazillian waxing. For THIRTY women. No, make that FIFTY women!”
And our menfolk, if they EVER read this post, will all be happy to send us to Chicago for a few days. Maybe by the time the convention is over, the pain will be, too.”
Still laughing my ass off, Loralee!
I have been thinking of getting this done for ages. The reason I haven’t-not the pain, the price. I don’t know why but $60-$80 around here is a bit hard to swallow. I don’t know how often I would have to go back and I don’t know which places are the “right” places to go. Gah!
You are halarious! How can you describe something so awkward and have it be so funny!?! This post had me laughing out loud!!
oooh ouch oh ooooh! I could never ever do that, but kudos to you for doing so AND turning it into a funny post!!
The first time was the worst. But maybe that’s because every time after I’ve managed to choke down pain pills and/or alcohol before the event.
Yeah, I’ve actually never heard of anyone regretting going Brazilian. I’m thinking about it myself. Shaving and trimming is a pain. I’d love to get it lasered so I never have to worry about it, but alas there are more pressing expenses to take care of first.
Sweet baby Jesus on a bicycle, Batman.
THAT was awesome. Heh.
I know it’s expensive, but I’m holding out for the laser treatment. Seriously. I know, I know… but… seriously.
Also? Ahhhhhmpits.
Dude, this made my girly bits clench. Very, very tightly. Which you may think is awesome, but it’s not.
Um, ouch? OUCH. I can’t even fathom the pain. You are totally more badass than me!
Im cracking up right now. I totally second everything you just said. I just had my first Brazilian Wax 2 weeks ago. My conversation went a lot like yours. In between strips i was fine, and and tried to have a conversation but as soon as i felt her tug that was it. I totally paused and said “OMG THAT ONE HURT”, then we did it all over again…
Oh and the little kitten being red… I never knew my skin could turn that color.
Even with that said it was totally worth it. Its been 2 weeks and it still looks pretty darn good!
I loved this post – it really hit home. I need to read it again.
“At some point, I stopped the exclamations and ended up just gurgling and snorting incoherently out of my nose.”
I laughed so hard at that that I spat and shot crud out my nose. It took me a good 5 minutes to clean my monitor. Gross. My kid came in and I think she must have thought I was having a seizure. It took me a good 10 minutes just to calm her down too.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about doing this myself… They didn’t give me the mirror when I had my first child, but I’m sure that the image would be seered into my retinas just as you described. That, and when you’ve got that ginormous preggo belly in your way, as I’m well on my way to having, it’s really hard to take care of the stuff on your muffin.
DO keep us updated as things progress. I’m still a little wimpy about it, so hearing the glories of the aftermath would likely calm my nerves about it. HAHA.
Good post, babe!
i heart you.
seriously.
can i please come hang out with you and Casey? please?
thank you for the much needed giggle and yes, bald is waaaay better. just sayin’
I have never laughed so hard during a post. Made my day.
ps- the hubby and i now call in “fa-la-laing” as well.
OUCH! Even I have not had a brazillian… I need to finish my laser treatments though. Shaving what is left is a pain.
My mom was so NOT impressed, people.
She’s of the mindset that people who enjoy the hairless look are pedophiles.
I’m just glad I called to warn her away from the blog today.
$20 says my mom puts my name put in the temple for having a bald hootchie. Sigh.
Oh, well. I can use all the points from on high I can get, I suppose.
Brazilian’s for men…at last they can feel something close to the first stage of labor.
Still no.
I have a paper cut and I want EVERYONE to kiss it boo boo’s.
Don’t think people will be as understand when I want THAT boo boo kissed better…
And 50 bucks? I think that those poor girls need to be paid waaay more for touching peoples poo holes.
I’m not a prude. It was oddly uncomfortable reading about someone I have never met before getting a Brazilian… but it’s cool.
So, I’ll just jump right back in there. You should try “Sugaring”. Even better, have your husband do it for you. It’s like wax, but boiled sugar with some lemon juice – it’s super sticky and gets all the hair… and it tastes good!
tee hee. hee hee.
PS. I’m 13 weeks along and could NEVER EVER get waxed right now. I can barely pluck my eyebrows I’m in a total wussy state.
I’m simultaneously intrigued and frightened about this Brazilian waxing business. But this story? Priceless.
AWESOME! I have done a Brazilian on myself before, although it probably wasn’t salon material. A few days ago I asked DH if he wanted to get kinky and help me wax… It hurt like a BITCH, so halfway through I quit. I’ll have to find a salon to finish it off. I’ll be sure to leave a GOOD TIP for touching my “poo hole” – ROFL.
I don’t know when you were more brave: getting it done or writing about it. The warning was more than adequate. Question: do Brazilians really have this done and if so, do they call it a Brazillian wax? PS. Thanks for the Twitter response.
When you said, “Worse yet I had a performance that night” I thought you were talking about a very DIFFERENT kind of a performance.
A few things:
A) ONLY $50?! I pay $70. Damn you, New York.
B) Your line about the chicken is the funniest thing I’ve read in eons.
C) Do you know what they call a Brazilian mankini wax here? The “back, sack, and crack” wax. It never fails to crack me up.
Glad your experience was good overall! As much as it PAINS me, I’m always so happy with the results. :)
Still not convinced. Hot wax and hair yanking? No thanks.
I’m still confused about how you keep it up. How long does it remain *completely* smooth? Then how long do you have to let it grow out before getting waxed again?
Oh GOOD GOD! Why didn’t I take that warning more seriously!? WHY!?!?!?
@Froyd
Because you are a man and men never listen to me. Sigh.
;P
I served my mission in Brazil and i had that done so cheap there and it was AWESOME! It was like 10 raies which would be like $3.50 here. I can’t believe it would cost 50$ plus tip!OUCH! But yes it IS awesome! I’m glad they do it in the US now! I’ll have to save up quite a bit to splurge for it though.
Awesome post. I’ve contemplated a brazilian but I’ve shaved the whole thing and I kind of think it looks weird.
However the long lasting smoothness would be really nice.
How about a landing strip to please my eye? They might do that for me.
Anyway, first time reader – thanks for making my night – mwah!
Awesome post! Followed Moosh’s twitter link.
I’ve gotten waxed on and off for some years now… I think it can be nice to leave a “landing pad” [NOT a strip - those look odd!] on the super fleshy area – less painful and avoids the worry of pedo connotations. :P
Oh, and the pain: it helps to breathe out, in a ‘woosh’, when they rip. Good waxers will tell you when to breathe, at the cheap places, I guess. :P
Way fun and funny. Dig it! :D
“I guess” meaning that I guess when they will rip at the cheap places and time my breathing as best I can.
Hilarious!! Had to muffle my laughs at work. I am so overdue for a waxing, it isn’t even funny. The re-growth, over a period of time is not as much. Takes longer to grow back.
I’m so tempted to do it. If I did, could I perhaps count it as part of Bill’s Christmas gift?
Good God…what kind of HELL job do these waxers have? I’m sure you have some of the best looking coochie regions around but others don’t You know others don’t. OMG, that could be a reality show – with lots and lots of blurred out shots.
So, how long does/did it hurt?
I’ll never listen to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer the same way ever again! lol
Let me start by saying that this is the first time I’ve read your blog.
LOVE YOU!
I had my first brazilian while 7 months pregnant in preparation for a family vacay in Florida. My OB paid me a compliment and asked for the name of the “artist.”
Beats my very first waxing experience, during which the waxer asked, “What your husband name? I do initial for you.” Yikes!
Okay so you TOTALLY made me laugh out loud – as my husband looked over and said, “Are you laughing at a BLOG again?” Why yes, yes I am. Then my 7-year-old came and sat by me and read the part about the “kitten” bring bright red and was wondering where you get a red kitten from. Hm.
That was soooo funny! Love the blog! it’s my first time visiting! Wish we could have met while I was in Utah :o(
I’m due for my first post-partum OB visit tomorrow, so my first post-partum Brazilian is soon to follow. The pain is unreal, but you do get used to it. My problem? Imagine having hair that grows in all different directions, which requires the esthetician to go over some areas OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Yeah. Fun, huh?
That was an awesome read! lol You do rule! Now only if my woman would do that for me. Hell she won’t even shave herself, not that I don’t mind doing it for her but it’s not often enough and she don’t like the pricklys once it starts growing back.
Of course it’s sexist, many advertisments rely on the woman as object to promote some product. What I first noticed when trying to figure out how the ad is sexist, was not the woman, but the objects in her grocery basket. The arrangement of baguette and oranges combine to create a subliminal erection. Subliminal phallic objects are all over advertising too, and I’m not sure what that’s all about either.