Remember how I just got over being sick?
I think that the fetus growing inside me is really an undercover, super-secret mole that has a lucrative arrangement with every virus, bacteria, and plague out there to be let in through the back door to PPPAAARRRTTTYYY! in my body.
Apparently, my body didn’t get the damn memo that I was supposed to be disease-free after two runs of antibiotics, because I.am.freaking.sick. Christopher has a slight case of the sniffles and it seems like I caught it (times eleventyhundred). Luckily, it isn’t in my lungs, but I have a fever and my head feels like it is going to explode from sinus pressure. Oh, and I can’t breathe. And as everyone knows, breathing is lovely and sort of necessary to the positive human condition.
I spent three hours at the doctor’s office yesterday and it sucked a freaking duck. I was curled up in the fetal position on a chair and probably looked like I just escaped from the home, but I didn’t give a flip. I felt to horrible to care. I got scripts for medication, confirmed that the baby’s heartbeat is awesome and strong and then went home to curl up in bed.
It is a crappy time to be sick. I have performances tonight for my caroling group. I highly doubt I am going to be able to phonate. So, I’ll probably just pull a Dickensesque Milli-Vanilli and lip-sync a lot of it. Bleh.
I have a love/hate relationship with cough syrup. Meaning, I love to hate it. I don’t like Dr. Pepper because it tastes like carbonated Robitussin. I go to great lengths to avoid liquid medication, so when I take it without complaint, you know I’m sick.
I think of the weirdest things when I am in a cough syrup haze.
Last night was no exception.
First, I made one of the great blunders (The first of which is ‘Never get involved in a land war in Asia’. Heh.). I thought to myself, “I can see how there is no end, but NO BEGINNING???!! I do.not.get.that.”. When I start thinking about things like that it is pretty much a given that I am going to be up all night long.
Since I was awake and thinking along those lines anyway, I made a list of 5 things I wanted to ask The Big Guy and know when I die. (Ok, I really wish dying didn’t have to be a part of the equation, but I highly doubt that these are answers that I’m going to find out in this lifetime.)
Who was right? The Catholics? The Jews? The Mormons? The Wiccans? The Atheists and Agnostics? Scientologists? WHO? Or is everybody right? Or wrong? People are fond of telling me “What I believe”. Really, they have no clue. They are projecting what THEY believe onto me. The reason that I know this is because I have no friggin’ idea what I really believe and what I don’t. After Matthew died, everything I thought I knew, believed in and relied on was put in a bag, shook up and dumped on the floor along with a million other pieces of the puzzle. This isn’t condemning anyone or anything, just a statement that um, I have very little idea what I feel and think. I have been really let down and confused in the Faith arena. I also have an awful lot of damage, baggage and emotions that get in the way here. I hope one day to figure it out and feel good about what it is that I’ve managed to sort out at the end of the day.
Who was Jack the Ripper? Seriously, y’all. I want to freaking know this. I have spent years building my own theories about it because I am a: a bit morbid and b:I am a research freak. I become enamored with a topic and research the hell out of it. I love it. Ever since I can remember I have loved history and if there is any kind of mystery surrounding it, I AM HOOKED.
I remember running to school the day they found the Titanic, freaking out and telling all my friends that they finally located the long lost liner in the Atlantic. They had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Ignoramuses. My list of ‘Unsolved mysteries’ that I want the answers to is huge: Who killed the Limburgh baby? What happened to D.B. Cooper? What was Stonehenge used for? Did Atlantis exist? Was there only one shooter on the grassy knoll? The list goes on and on and on. However, finding out who Jack the Ripper was is probably at the very top of my list. Grizzly, but there it is.
Just how involved ARE you down here? There are a lot of people who think that everything happens for a reason. Some take this to the extreme and feel that God is down here directing every moment of their lives-down to misplacing their keys and turning the traffic lights green at a “blessed” moment. Every good thing is a blessing and every bad thing is a trail, test of faith or growing experience.
There are those that think we’re just down here on our own and thrown to the mercy of the Chaos theory and at the mercy of natural consequence.
Then there are those that are sort of in the middle. Who do believe in miracles but also think that much of our life is just played out according to natural order and “JUST BECAUSE! SO, NEENER NEENER!”
I wonder if prayer actually works (I’d like to know this for myself. Not other people TELLING me that prayer works based on their experiences. My experiences with it have kinda sucked a duck for the most part.) I wonder just how involved a higher power is with all of us and our lives.
WHY?! Why, why, why, WHY?! Probably my longest list and most important question. There are so many things in this category. SO many.
However, I would probably settle for the answers to two things.
Two.
Two that have forever damaged and changed me and that I cannot remotely think of a decent enough answer to “WHY!”. These two questions keep me up many, many nights and haunts me.
Maybe it would bring me some peace to know why they happened and if there was any purpose to them.
Maybe not.
They’ve been so painful that I honestly don’t know if knowing why would be enough.
Genitalia. Seriously? WHAT were you thinking? I know a whole lot of people that are just fine with the way girl and boy bits look. Freak, some people could just hang out there all freaking day long and come back for more.
I? Am not one of those people.
I have NO problem with the function of my girlie parts (besides the fact that I think He was a little stingy with the area size of YEEHAW! given to girls vs. boys.), but when I was giving birth to my oldest child, I was laying there, miserable, with my hoo-hoo out for the entire world WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN A MIRROR.
I think my brain was damaged from the UTTER SHOCK AND “EEEEEWWWWWEEEE” THAT THAT WAS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE?!
Seriously gross.
I been known to say that on the day that the final design for genitalia for humans was due, God must have been out sick and the final approval was left up to Bob the sandwich guy because DOOOOOOD!
I mean, look. I know that genitalia is human, natural, necessary and a whole lot of fun. As I said, I have no problem with the function of The Land Down Under, but as far as the asthetics? SERIOUSLY? That was the best you could come up with??
I guarantee that on coedine, this is a MUCH more pressing and important question then cold stone sober. Promise.
So, there is my list of 5 things I want to know when I die. It really should be six because I also want to know why God didn’t have men’s noses get increasingly purple and swollen when they knock someone up. It seems only fair, ya know? Ok, I really had seven on my list, but “What the freak was the POINT?” seemed too vague and pessimistic, so we’ll leave it as it is for now.
So…What is on YOUR list of things you want to know when you kick it?:
Oh my darling one. I’m sorry you’re sick bu bwahahahahahhahahahaaaaaa.
You rock my world dear. ;-)
I too have many questions – some very similar to yours. Given that I am older than you, I will likely have already asked some of those questions, and through my endless haunting ( until Jennifer Love Hewitt comes to cross me over) you will already know the answers. So feel free to come up with more.
I do have one that is different from yours but it’s more a conversation than an inquiry:
“Periods!!!!!!! Seriously??? Did you lose the development rights to reproduction in a poker game? And further more..you want me to stick that where??? And those things with wings…I dare ya!
1. You are hilarious! Seriously.
2. Is okay that I am semi freaked out by the baby countdown there on your sidebar?
3. This definitely has to be it’s own post on my site. I need time to think about this!
No God. You are responsible for you, and always have been.
And just where is DB Cooper? That’s a good one. He’s probably living in West Virginia with Elvis and Tupac.
Um… yeah. That’s about all the ones I know.
Not much help from me I suppose.
@Rachael
It is actually funnier in my head and loses a lot between brain and page. If people knew what actually went on in my mind, they would either run shrieking in fear or be totally envious with how entertaining my weird little world in there is. Totally depends on your personality. ;)
@4 oh, I totally had the whole “Period” question going on last night. It was entangled with the genitalia issue. And sorry but WHY must it be so messy? Ya know?
@Sparklie
Yes, you may totally be freaked out by my ticker. ALL of them looked like utter alien babies, so this was the best I could come up with. Sigh. I wasn’t even going to have a ticker, but it really cut down on the “When are you due” questions.
I actually want to put another ticker on there “COUNT DOWN TO JAN.19!”. It’s when we find out what we’re having. Gulp!
@sovknight Yeah, I have quite a few atheist friends and readers and that is a question I have. Is there REALLY a God? I DO believe in a higher power, though…I’m just not sure how far that definition goes for me. DB Cooper has plagued me for YEARS! I totally want to know about it. OH, and Amelia Earhart. Dig it.
awesome use of a Princes Bride quote
feel better
Um, I’m with ya on the genitalia thing. You’d think it would have been our best feature, seeing as it holds the power, no?
Feel better, my sweet!
ok, god, huh? in the spirit of being succinct, my list is pretty much all covered by the CRASH TEST DUMMIES. specifically the album, GOD SHUFFLED HIS FEET. damn! now i’m not going to be able to get those songs out of my head till i go out in the garage and light up my drums while blasting that music. good news though, IT’LL PISS THE NEIGHBORS OFF!!! although mortality is a bitch, some aspects of it can be deliciously evil!!! steve
Sorry to hear you’re still sick. I should start on that cough medicine.
Everybody is right. It’s just easier that way ;)
@Judy
It IS one of the best movies of all time, isn’t it?
@Headless Mom: Since I root for the underdog so much, maybe I should just embrace that such an odd looking compilation has brought down empires and been the driving force behind politics and vast jewelary collections. Hmm..
@Stephen: Now THAT should be put on a tshirt “Mortality is a bitch, but it can be deliciously evil!”
Heh.
@Jim It would rule if everyone was right wouldn’t it? SOOOOOO much easier, I totally agree. Sigh.
P.S. “Jewelry” is one of my spelling-nemesis words. Grr….
I love you when you’re pregnant and loopey. :)
That last point has me laughing over here. Boy Bits are in no way attractive. At least ours are kind of hidden ;)
My first question is this- If you want us to live these men for time and all eternity, Why in the hell did you make them so damn stupid?
Second-Is there a way out of heaven if I don’t like it when I get there. like a hotel, I am not happy with my room, may I trade for a different floor, or a smoking vs non smoking room? I am troubled by things some believe about heaven and it doesn’t sound like a place I want to be. BUT if you know me at all, I’m sure are thinking, Sandi, Hell is where you are going and Hell is where you will be the happiest.
I have more questions, but most are too crude for your blog!
I loved the post! keep on the cough syrup!
“besides the fact that I think He was a little stingy with the area size of YEEHAW! given to girls vs. boys.”
That made me laugh really hard.
I never thought of asking questions when I do before, I feel like I don’t know what I believe either, but I guess that shows I don’t believe I’ll see God when I die. Anyhoo…I think I’d just go with your questions especially the one on boy and girl bits. For the life of me, I will never understand why my dh truly believes that I will be impressed to see his bits in a certain condition! I mean, the tactile sensation is great but I could do without the view!
Love your blog. Seriously. I love the way you put it all out there. And I read a book several years ago called “The Cases That Haunt Us” by John Douglas. I have read most of his books, and this one was pretty cool, he really tells you, according to all of the evidence available/out there, who is the most probable perpetrator, in his opinion. Just passing it on, but it may be too gruesome of a read, especially while your preggers. And I’m still laughing about the “YEEHAW!” part. That and periods. I couldn’t agree more. Really? We needed this?
HEAVY stuff, Lo. Guess my timing to drop off the Hottest Men People Magazine was flawless. That should fluff things up in a jiffy.
@Chelle Don’t forget the soup. Hot and Sour soup eases most of the suffering in life, IMO. Combined with People Magazine it is a lethal combination. You are a goddess for bringing it over. Seriously, I think you may have saved my life. ;)
I think that I may have to get some chocolate to get through caroling tonight, though. Speaking of which, I have to go ready my muff and bonnet.
Sigh…
Dearest, I love your list of questions – but do you suppose He’s gonna know you meant the ‘Lindbergh’ baby – and not some cheesy kid?
@Lou
HA!
This would be the part where I totally cop to being the world’s crappiest speller and editor.
Somewhere in my druggie, congested head I actually wondered if I was spelling it like the stinky cheese. Then I think I started hallucinating that the Care Bears were talking to me and I didn’t double check it.
Poor kid.
I want to know what the point of PMS is, because whatever… we bleed every month. Fine. I can deal with that. But why the cramps and agonizing bloating? I understand the biological cause, but there’s no reason our bodies should HAVE to go through that. If he was truly a benevolent God, he could fix that. I’m positive.
I also kinda wanna know who killed JonBenet Ramsey. But then that takes me down the path of why people enter their kids in pageants, and suddenly a whole list of new questions pops up, so maybe I should just stick with the PMS thing.
I actually have a couple of lists (not because they’re so long, but because I keep misplacing them and having to start over – and then, of course, I find the ones I’ve lost) of those unsolved mysteries I’d like to have answered…Atlantis, Amelia Earhart, whether King Arthur was a real person, what happened to Tsar Nicholas II and his family, whether Oswald really shot JFK, Stonehenge, Jimmy Hoffa, the Loch Ness Monster, Jack the Ripper, what caused the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (I totally love that song), who killed the Black Dahlia, and what really happened to those fisherman that the movie The Perfect Storm is based on. I remember the list being longer, but that must’ve been one I lost. Ha.
I am utterly convinced the male genitalia were an afterthought. No other explanation for slapping that junk on the outside. Really. I mean, just how much design went into that?
I seriously think the genitalia thing is a good question.
I would like to know who really shot JFK, why my middle school best friend told me she had a baby to end our friendship (she hadn’t – it was insane), and see what is really going on in my dad’s head all the time.
OH MY GOSH!!! I can’t believe you wrote that about your questions because I have the same ones and have told everyone that is what I want to find out when I get there!! I was the same way when I was a kid too, none of the other kids ever knew what I was talking about. I watched way too much news and Unsolved Mysteries, In Search Of, etc.
Yeah, and when I get there I want to find Elvis and give him a big hug. I hope he is wearing his 68 Comeback Special black leather outfit.
I love your blog! I’m giving you an award. Check out my blog for the details.
I am with you on the Jack the Ripper one. I want to know everything about every possible conspiracy theory in the world. JFK is my big one (the hubby’s obsessed with it). Also- who was Marilyn Monroe trying to call?? What was in area 51?? What kinds of lies did the government really tell the people?? And- did the person who invented Diet Coke make it to heaven with gold stars? Because they should.
I would really just like an explanation for Bill O’Reilly.