I hesitate writing this post.
I’ve hesitated writing much of anything lately because of asshattery and fugly people on the Internet and it’s gotten to the point that I have the writing and publishing equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction. Except that I am not a guy and my computer isn’t a penis. (Although, that would be kind of useful-a multifunctional penis that does what I tell it to do. Oh, wait. I have one of those. It’s called a vibrator. However , it doesn’t play mp3′s or have a DVD player, so I guess my vibrator would fall short in the coolness category.)
However, this post is not about penises or vibrators. Sorry, I know that is a let down for some, but it also means that my sister and sister-in-law can continue reading this post.
I have blogged before about how I have a clotting disorder called Leiden V factor.
There are two kinds of this disorder: One is very serious and the other is manageable and most people can go their whole lives without ever even knowing that they have it. Luckily, I have the latter.
But. (And you knew this was coming, right?)
3 weeks after my son, Christopher was born, I developed a humongous clot. It developed in my abdomen and went all the way down my leg. I have a bad back and thought that I pinched my sciatic nerve and so I didn’t go to the hospital for almost 4 days.
By that time, I was critically ill.
I had a 104-degree fever and my leg was dark purple and the size of both of my thighs put together.
I was so unstable and the clot was so huge that they were afraid to go in and put a filter to my lung and heart, which is the typical treatment, because they thought there was a greater chance of a piece breaking off and going to my lungs or heart and killing me.
They told me to make arrangements and be prepared.
I planned my funeral.
I wrote letters to loved ones.
I had to be under heavy sedation a lot of the time because my fever was so high I was delusional a lot of the time and my mind couldn’t cope with the thought that there was literally a ticking timebomb that could explode and kill me instantly. It would send me into claustrophobic seizures of fear that had me thrashing and being held down, leaving the doctors in fear that the movement would cause me to throw a piece of the clot.
I was sick for a very, very long time and my leg is permanently damaged. It is much bigger than the other one and now I have very poor circulation.
Then after being on oxycotin for months and months and months, I had to deal with the HELL of withdrawl. That is a story for another day, but lets just say while I did it all on my own and obeyed the letter of the law, I can see why people hold up convenience stores and drive to Tijuana to avoid the hell of it all.
So, what is the point of this lovely trip down memory lane, you ask?
Because of this pretty little blood adventure, it makes my chances of clotting in the future a lot higher. Add pregnancy to the equation, and it goes up even higher. It means that I have to have two shots a day in my abdomen that hurt and sting like hell to help thin my blood so that I don’t have to spend another month breathing in air that smells like antiseptic and cream of chicken soup in the medical wing of the hospital.
Or, I am SUPPOSED to have two shots a day in my abdomen.
I haven’t been getting them. I had my shots for about a week. A week of my poor husband having to literally chase me and hold me down while I sobbed to give me my medication.
And then nothing.
Not one drop of blood thinners in weeks and weeks.
I have the vials of heparin.
I have a box full of very sharp, pointy syringes.
I even have a “stick box” that is a cheerful red color for me to put the sharp, pointy syringes in after I am done.
The thing I don’t have?
Courage.
I have hinted around on this blog that I have anxiety.
Some of my fears and worries are totally normal. They fall into the normal category and I can cope with them like a normal person. Some of my fears are NOT normal. They are NOT logical and I cannot cope with them very well at all. Some of these are emotional issues that I have been dealing with for like 20 years. Luckily for you, we don’t have to get into THOSE because there are other anxieties and fears I have that are about things, places, and situations.
If I had to list the very bad ones I would say that spiders, swimming in lakes and oceans, falling from heights, and needles are the very worst ones.
I don’t just “Fear” these things.
I FREAK THE HELL OUT ABOUT THEM.
To the point of throwing up, hyperventilating, passing out and sobbing my guts out.
I have gotten to the point where I don’t punch the nurse in the face while getting blood drawn (with a butterfly needle) but that is as much as I’ve managed. IV’s? SUCK. And my epidural? I black out when I try to push in pain, so I have to have them if possible. To get to the point that I am able to? I have to have valium, my water has to be broken and I have to be at the the point of such severe pain that it is either “Shoot me in the head or give me the needle”.
And even then? It is HELL ON EARTH and the memories of them remain some of my most traumatic.
I always said that If I was diagnosed with diabetes it would end up killing me because my fear of needles is THAT bad. For me to have to endure these shots is about the very worst thing you could possibly tell me I had to do.
Ok, maybe having a tarantula sit on my face for 10 minutes twice a day would be worse, but it is a toss up.
When I confessed my situation to some family and friends, they were horrified and very scared for me. And they should be. I felt terrible. Worthless. Held captive by this goddamn fear.
I know the question will be asked, “Where the hell is your husband?” Look, I have feelings about it, ok? He should be helping me and it isn’t that he is some unfeeling bastard, but honestly…it cannot be fun to give them to me and frankly, he has picked up a lot of slack around here because of my knocked-up situation. So, honestly I don’t really want to hear anything about his role it all because it won’t help my situation, ok?
Besides, IT IS MY HEALTH. MY BODY. MY MEDICAL CONDITION.
MY RESPONSIBILITY.
I cannot rely on anyone else to take care of this for me.
It is MY PROBLEM.
We don’t have the coverage or the money for any kind of therapy or home nurse to help me. I am too sick often to drive to get to the dr to have a nurse inject me and I couldn’t afford it anyway. But I also don’t want you to think that I have been doing NOTHING about this situation. For weeks, every day, I have tried. Tried to administer a shot to myself.
It hasn’t worked out so well.
The first day, my hand was shaking so bad, I literally couldn’t hold the needle.
When I got it to the point that I could unwrap and hold it, I would sob and throw up whenever I would get close to my skin.
Yesterday, I thought if I stood up so I didn’t have such a great view of the needle, it would help.
It actually went in.
The second it did?
I felt the blood drain out of my head and I passed out and hit my head on the dresser. (Obviously standing up is just not a good idea for this procedure. Oh, and FYI? If you were the type of person who thought that swooning ladies in the movies was soooo romantic as a kid? Um, yeah. It kinda sucks ass. I don’t recommend it AT ALL.) The needle must have fallen out when I fell and I couldn’t face it again.
I know some of you find this hideous of me. After KNOWING the consequences it can bring, after having lost a baby, to let something like a stupid NEEDLE put everything in such jeopardy? How some wonderful people would give their eye teeth and take shots all day long just to HAVE a baby?
I know, ok?
I feel less than worthless.
Do you know how shitty this makes me feel? What a total FAILURE I am? I feel pathetic and worthless that my life and the life of my baby depends on this medication and I have not been able to make myself stick that needle into my skin.
Until today.
It took me three hours.
THREE.
But I did it.
I don’t know how, but I FUCKING DID IT.
I gave myself a shot.
WITH A NEEDLE.
I would celebrate, but I need to start bracing myself to do it all again in another 720 minutes.
I have a fear of needles too and I can not even imagine giving on to anyone, let alone myself so I am so proud of you. And don’t think about the future shots, just take them one and a time. You did it this morning, you can do it again. Then tomorrow you can tell yourself, you did it twice already.
Also, this isn’t really related but I think it is kinda funny. It took my about 3 hours when I was 13 to put in my first tampon. No one else was home and I just stood there in the bathroom all morning, and finally was able to make myself do it. I don’t want you to think they are at all the same, but thought it might make you laugh.
I’d take a shot (of alchohol) before giving myself a shot, but I guess you can’t do that when knocked up. I think it’s easier to have someone else do it too. I’d have a hard time as a diabetic just because I’d have to do it to myself.
So, uh, Loralee, I think you should stop apologizing so much. Everyone has their problems, and there’s nothing wrong with talking about it without putting up the dukes.
GIRL! LIFE IS THE SHITS!
I have numbing cream if you want it, and if your Dr gives you grief about it, let me know, I will fed ex it right over.
Sending love and Diet coke your way!
Good for you doing it!!! And don’t let anyone tell you your fears are silly or unfounded – they’re yours and yours alone.
The numbing cream sounds like a great option for the pain, but I know it’s the needles…hmm….do they do anything magic for kids who have to get daily shots to make it easier for them? Cover the needle with a little stuffed animal so you can’t see it? Maybe a combo of shotblocker or emla + not seeing the needle would work?
Hang in there, you’re doing great!!
First, congratulations for doing it once. I hope it gets easier.
Second, when I knew the next stage of infertility treatments would involve shots, I made it clear to my reproductive specialist and my husband that we would be buying a baby, because I could not do daily shot. (Fortunately, we didn’t get to that point before I got pregnant.) I know where you are with this, and it’s impossible for anyone to understand it unless they are in your shoes. You have to do what you can.
Finally, I think you should live blog the next shot. Come on. Do it! (I know — I’m a sadistic bitch, aren’t I?)
I am terrifed of needles. I accidentally walked in on our office manager giving herself a insulin shot and nearly vomited.
Then, I found out I have to take shots for my fertility treatment. When I went to the instruction class I was shaking so bad the nurse took me out of the room. My husband had to hide the needles from me to keep me from freaking out.
I learned to deal (although not well). The few things that helped:
1. Learning to do it myself, having the control made it more bearable.
2. Think about exhaling at the same second the needle goes in.
3. Keep my mind fully on my future child. I would do anything to have a baby, just as you would do anything to be a great mom. In order to do that, I have to do this horrible thing. But, I can do it and so can you. You did it today. YOu can do it again tomorrow.
My husband totally had to do this last month. The ER Dr. said “we can keep you for 3-5 days or we can send you home (looking at me) and you’ll need to give him his shots” and I was all like “ADMIT PLEASE”. But the husband wasn’t for it all and had to give the shots to himself. I couldn’t even be in the room! YOU.. dear lady.. are AWESOME!
Oh.. the hubby says that maybe you could try giving yourself the shot while laying down. That way it’s really hard to look at it and if you pass out.. well.. you won’t go anywhere. =)
Wow! Congratulations!!!!
I didn’t read all the comments, but I read your follow up in the comments and I see that someone recommended hypnosis. I thought of that but figured you already had enough advice. But Kerflop did that, you know. So you could give her a call about it. I know they can do it for childbirth and for needles.
When I was pregnant with my twins I insisted that my doctor allow me to take one baby aspirin every day because of the blood thinning effect and the studies I had read that showed that this tiny little thing was like a miracle for women who suffered miscarriages due to the issue I had. My kids were full term and healthy.
With all the stress of working yourself up to each injection, just maybe there is another way? There is some interesting info on baby aspirin out there. Maybe your doctor has heard of the benefits or could check on it.
If it isn’t appropriate for you, I hope the injections get easier. :)
Loralee,,,,,, the first time i stumbled onto your website, i had to do a quick doublecheck to see if your name was loralee tanis……. “the best thing i ever wrote.” then, once i had sorted out the fact that there were multiple “bugs” i was hooked. let me just say this, you are one of the 2 toughest women i “know”. lurker “knowing”, that is. it seems so weird to post/say this but i’ll do it anyway, ” i’m proud of you loralee!!! p.s. you need to post some of your singing! gifts are to be shared! steve
Congratulations.
In many ways I can relate to this post.
I am a diabetic. A severe diabetic. I’ve always hated needles. I didn’t have to do injections until I became pregnant with my twins. When the doc told me I would HAVE to go onto insulin, I have never felt so panicked in my life. Me and needles do not mix well!
It took me an hour to bring myself to do that first shot in my stomach. It slid in like butter. I was shocked it didn’t hurt. It hurts like hell when other people give me shots, but not when I get them myself. I think the trick is to do it slowly and use the smallest needle possible.
I doubt any of that will help, but that’s my advice on the needle thing. Testing my damn blood is a million times worse than the 5 shots a day I do in my stomach.
(This may help too…try doing the shot slightly lower than your belly button. Upper tummy hurts, lower tummy doesn’t…for me at least.)
I know you can do it. You have faced far more scary things in your life.
You should be so proud of yourself! Thats amazing! Each one will get easier and easier,
I understand what you went through. I have a few irrational fears myself and they bring me to a point of pure PANIC, its really hard to break.
You broke yours. You can do it again!
@Stephen
I’m not trying to really single anyone out here because everyone has been fabulous, but I wanted to tell you something.
I love Tanis. Truly love her.
The internet (and a very persistent Moosh in Indy) kept trying to set us up as friends because of our two bugs.
It worked and we hit it off fabulously.
She has helped me a LOT through some really tough things and I absolutely love her. So, yours is a high compliment, indeed.
You rock! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is hard for YOU. This is YOUR thing. We’re out here propping you up with prayer every day and hoping that the next one will be easier. Muah!
Hey, you know what I think? I think you are awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. The awesomest. I could never never in a thousand years give myself a shot. You are my new awesome hero.
Awesome.
Loralee – I’m so glad that you came through for yourself and your baby.
I have to be honest. The whole time I was reading this post, I’m going, “It can’t be THAT hard, can it?” but I know that it is – you wouldn’t be posting like this if it weren’t. And I KNOW that. But even knowing that, the asshole thoughts creep in. UGH! I hate myself sometimes.
Anyway, despite all the first reactional butt-faced thoughts I tend to have, I am proud of you and glad that you jumped that hurdle today. I wish you the best of luck with it tomorrow and the next day too.
I realize that this probably sounds a little backwards, especially considering that the problem is that you can’t ADMINISTER the drugs, rather than can’t STOP, but have you tried maybe a 12 step approach to dealing with your fear? That stuff can really be applied to anything, and it can help you break the situation down bit by bit and slowly lift it away.
Anyway – best wishes doll.
Good job!! I’m so sorry that this is such a struggle for you!
Congrats on DOING IT! You have such courage!
And if it makes you feel better, I was sitting in class thinking about needles today and I passed out and hit my head.
But the point is – YOU DID IT! CONGRATS!!!
And I know you can do it again!
I hear you. For most of my adult life I have had a phobia about riding in a car while someone else is driving. So bad that my husband really thought I needed professional help. I went to a psychiatrist. We talked about a lot of things, then got to the fear I had… When I told him that I had been in 9 automobile accidents (one of which put me in the hospital for over two weeks), and one Greyhound bus accident… the dr. looked at me and said, “You don’t have a phobia, you have a legitimate reason for a fear!” Then we worked on overcoming it. Thankfully, today I can now ride with my husband driving, and often with my son driving.
I wish you the best with this fear. Talk to your dr., especially about the passing out part! He may have some good suggestions. Your life and the life of your baby are at stake for goodness sake!!!!!!!!
Can I celebrate for you? Because I have one of those crazy, irrational, puke on your shoes kind of fears about heights. So I am SO F*CKING PROUD OF YOU.
For reals.
*smooches*
Hang in there, girl. I am so proud of you!!! xo
Man…we are so much alike, it’s scary. I don’t have the clotting disorder but all the other stuff…man! It’s nuts!
Let’s chat about the withdrawl thing sometime. You might have some insight for me. I hope. Anyhow, keep up the good work and take it one day at a time.
@Crystal
Withdrawl is HELL. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. ;)
I knew NOTHING about what was going to happen to me when I went off Oxycontin. After about 8 months on it, I just said on a Friday, “Oh, I don’t think I need it anymore, so don’t bother refilling my script, honey”.
YEAH.
My husband had me wrapped up in a sweat drenched quilt and carried me into the ER within 8 hours thinking I was DYING.
I had no idea that when I would feel so shitty between pills, it was withdrawl, NOT side effects from my blood clot. I had no idea what being physically dependent on a narcotic remotely meant.
It was horrible. I was treated horribly by the doctors and nurses, saying I needed “Rehab” and I was sobbing and crying saying, “I just took what they told me to! I have no idea what is happening to me!”.
It. Effing. Sucked.
I did get through it though. I would do it much, much differently if I had had all the information in the first place.
So? I try to help anyone going through it or looking at it any way I can. If just to say, “YES, I HAVE BEEN THERE AND LIVED.”
Shoot me an email if you’d like.
:)
Oh, hon! The pain that this puts you through is evident! I’m praying that you can continue to give yourself these shots!!
So damn proud of you.
My sister recently had to overcome her fear of the pokey sharp things to administer medicine. It was hell to watch and I can’t imagine having to do it myself.
You go girl. I KNOW you can do this. You are one tough chicklet. Never ever forget that.
And just know that if you ever need me to, I’ll be down there in a heart beat to stick it to ya. Whether you like it or not.
(But you’d totally like it. Wink.)
I hope this post is cathartic and helps you find your courage.
*To your health*
A vibrator that plays mp3s sounds like a good idea. Then a lady doesn’t need to put on a CD. I might try to invent that.
YAY! GO LORALEE!!!
Have I told you how much I admire you for just saying it like it is? Thank you for sharing this victory with me and all your other fans :)
Good for you. It’s so difficult to overcome fears. Take it slow and have confidence in yourself
Way to go! Congratulations. Take it one day at a time.
I can’t imagine how awful that must be. I can’t imagine.
Yay you for doing it. One step at a time, right? One day, one step, one shot at a time.
You are strong and brave.
Keep breathing, keep trying. It’s the only way, and it’s worked once for you, at least. And all these comments are right, you are incredibly brave for facing your fears head on, even if it doesn’t seem like it all the time.
(((HUGS)))
You are a brave, amazing and awesome chick!
Not trying to flame or be an asshat but can’t you take the Heparin pills or some of the other blood thinners that heart patients use?
Loralee, I am SO PROUD of you for being honest about this and for making yourself face your fear for three hours till you DID IT. Just because I don’t share your fear doesn’t mean it’s not real and huge to you, and I know how hard it’s been for me to face my own fears in the past, irrational though they’ve been.
I am going to start praying for you every day, specifically about the needle thing, and for the continued health of you and your precious babe too. Maybe knowing that I’m praying will help a little tiny bit.
Also, it’s not exactly a vibrator that plays, MP3s, but…http://www.ohmibod.com/
Way to go!
I’ve been lurking for a while now (found you through SSB) but thought I’d come out of the cracks and tell you CONGRATULATIONS on doing the impossible. I hope you find that it gets easier every time.
Fear like that is a very real thing. Not rational, not easily understandable, but very, very real. I know. Congrats on pushing through it.
Wow, Loralee. I’m so sorry. What a terrible way to have to try and deal with your fears. I am so, so impressed with what you did today. I can’t imagine the kind of courage it must have taken for you to give yourself that shot today. Good luck to you tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. (Hugs)
You go girl! Three hours today, two tomorrow, and in no time it’ll be a blink of an eye. You’re strong, and you CAN do it.
x
Besides hypnotherapy, there are also desensitizing sessions. But I found the very thing that got me through labour (LaMaze breathing) would calm me enough to get through just about anything. It really helped when I was crippled with anxiety. Try to reconstruct the joy and love when your babies were born, and breathe it in. Give it a colour that gets brighter and bigger with each breath. When you have that going on, ask hubby to do the needle deed. That way you won’t hit your head.
You are in my heart.
I’m proud of you. It’s not an easy thing to get over. ((Hugs)).
If I was there I’d totally shoot you up. I’d be your personal nurse. :)
I had shots once a week during pregnancy. The first one was the worst. I worried about it all day. I did come up with a technique to do it fairly painlessly. Having all those shots got me over my concern with needles.
My technique was to ice the area for 15-20 minutes (must be exactly in this range), inject, then immediately use a hot pack. With the ice, it just feels like pressure, not a stick.
You go, girl! I think you are way, way, stronger than your realize.
Keep going! You CAN do it again! I really didn’t think after reading your whole post that you did, but you DID! And that is awesome.
p.s. they have insulin pumps now so you only have to stick yourself every other week to move the catheter.
So very proud of you. You CAN do it again. I KNOW it!
I just finished shot number THREE.
Man.
I have gotten a few tricks to make it easier and this last one only took me 45 minutes to get in.
That’s progress.
Right???
Wow. Just, wow. I’m super proud of you for pushing through the fear yesterday and just doing it. Now, all you’ve got to do is remember the bean inside your belly and do that for a few more weeks. YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can! Go mama!
P.S. I am totally scared of needles too-I’ve had some really horrendous experiences with drawing blood and they can NEVER get IVs in me-I’ve had 3 surgeries in the past 3 months and I always feel like I’m about to die when they go to insert the IV, because I know how hard it’s going to be. My veins go hiding. All the nurses poke around, which hurts like HELL, and they eventually have to get the anesthesiologist to try to get it in, which hurts even more…ugh. I hope I don’t have to have an IV put in for a long, long time (well, 1 more surgery next year, but that better be all).
Hang tight, chick. You can conquer this. It WILL NOT conquer you.
CONGRATULATIONS. Overcoming something like that is a huge deal, and you rock for doing it.
Something that’s come up for me a lot this week is forgiveness – it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself for having a hard time with this, and I hope that you can be more forgiving with yourself about it, even as you’re working to get through it all.
Big, big props to you on this one.
Girl, I feel the pain. During Declan’s pregnancy they found my diabetes and you can’t take oral meds when you are pregnant. And pregnancy make diabetes that mnuch worse, so they ordered me to the hospital THAT NIGHT to get on insulin shots. And forced me to give them to myself. Two times a day. I didn’t have the fear as bad as you, but it was pretty bad.
All I can say is, I don’t have the fear any more.
And I am lucky I can take oral meds now that I am not pregnant anymore.
Anyway, big hugs,