I hesitate writing this post.
I’ve hesitated writing much of anything lately because of asshattery and fugly people on the Internet and it’s gotten to the point that I have the writing and publishing equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction. Except that I am not a guy and my computer isn’t a penis. (Although, that would be kind of useful-a multifunctional penis that does what I tell it to do. Oh, wait. I have one of those. It’s called a vibrator. However , it doesn’t play mp3’s or have a DVD player, so I guess my vibrator would fall short in the coolness category.)
However, this post is not about penises or vibrators. Sorry, I know that is a let down for some, but it also means that my sister and sister-in-law can continue reading this post.
I have blogged before about how I have a clotting disorder called Leiden V factor.
There are two kinds of this disorder: One is very serious and the other is manageable and most people can go their whole lives without ever even knowing that they have it. Luckily, I have the latter.
But. (And you knew this was coming, right?)
3 weeks after my son, Christopher was born, I developed a humongous clot. It developed in my abdomen and went all the way down my leg. I have a bad back and thought that I pinched my sciatic nerve and so I didn’t go to the hospital for almost 4 days.
By that time, I was critically ill.
I had a 104-degree fever and my leg was dark purple and the size of both of my thighs put together.
I was so unstable and the clot was so huge that they were afraid to go in and put a filter to my lung and heart, which is the typical treatment, because they thought there was a greater chance of a piece breaking off and going to my lungs or heart and killing me.
They told me to make arrangements and be prepared.
I planned my funeral.
I wrote letters to loved ones.
I had to be under heavy sedation a lot of the time because my fever was so high I was delusional a lot of the time and my mind couldn’t cope with the thought that there was literally a ticking timebomb that could explode and kill me instantly. It would send me into claustrophobic seizures of fear that had me thrashing and being held down, leaving the doctors in fear that the movement would cause me to throw a piece of the clot.
I was sick for a very, very long time and my leg is permanently damaged. It is much bigger than the other one and now I have very poor circulation.
Then after being on oxycotin for months and months and months, I had to deal with the HELL of withdrawl. That is a story for another day, but lets just say while I did it all on my own and obeyed the letter of the law, I can see why people hold up convenience stores and drive to Tijuana to avoid the hell of it all.
So, what is the point of this lovely trip down memory lane, you ask?
Because of this pretty little blood adventure, it makes my chances of clotting in the future a lot higher. Add pregnancy to the equation, and it goes up even higher. It means that I have to have two shots a day in my abdomen that hurt and sting like hell to help thin my blood so that I don’t have to spend another month breathing in air that smells like antiseptic and cream of chicken soup in the medical wing of the hospital.
Or, I am SUPPOSED to have two shots a day in my abdomen.
I haven’t been getting them. I had my shots for about a week. A week of my poor husband having to literally chase me and hold me down while I sobbed to give me my medication.
And then nothing.
Not one drop of blood thinners in weeks and weeks.
I have the vials of heparin.
I have a box full of very sharp, pointy syringes.
I even have a “stick box” that is a cheerful red color for me to put the sharp, pointy syringes in after I am done.
The thing I don’t have?
Courage.
I have hinted around on this blog that I have anxiety.
Some of my fears and worries are totally normal. They fall into the normal category and I can cope with them like a normal person. Some of my fears are NOT normal. They are NOT logical and I cannot cope with them very well at all. Some of these are emotional issues that I have been dealing with for like 20 years. Luckily for you, we don’t have to get into THOSE because there are other anxieties and fears I have that are about things, places, and situations.
If I had to list the very bad ones I would say that spiders, swimming in lakes and oceans, falling from heights, and needles are the very worst ones.
I don’t just “Fear” these things.
I FREAK THE HELL OUT ABOUT THEM.
To the point of throwing up, hyperventilating, passing out and sobbing my guts out.
I have gotten to the point where I don’t punch the nurse in the face while getting blood drawn (with a butterfly needle) but that is as much as I’ve managed. IV’s? SUCK. And my epidural? I black out when I try to push in pain, so I have to have them if possible. To get to the point that I am able to? I have to have valium, my water has to be broken and I have to be at the the point of such severe pain that it is either “Shoot me in the head or give me the needle”.
And even then? It is HELL ON EARTH and the memories of them remain some of my most traumatic.
I always said that If I was diagnosed with diabetes it would end up killing me because my fear of needles is THAT bad. For me to have to endure these shots is about the very worst thing you could possibly tell me I had to do.
Ok, maybe having a tarantula sit on my face for 10 minutes twice a day would be worse, but it is a toss up.
When I confessed my situation to some family and friends, they were horrified and very scared for me. And they should be. I felt terrible. Worthless. Held captive by this goddamn fear.
I know the question will be asked, “Where the hell is your husband?” Look, I have feelings about it, ok? He should be helping me and it isn’t that he is some unfeeling bastard, but honestly…it cannot be fun to give them to me and frankly, he has picked up a lot of slack around here because of my knocked-up situation. So, honestly I don’t really want to hear anything about his role it all because it won’t help my situation, ok?
Besides, IT IS MY HEALTH. MY BODY. MY MEDICAL CONDITION.
MY RESPONSIBILITY.
I cannot rely on anyone else to take care of this for me.
It is MY PROBLEM.
We don’t have the coverage or the money for any kind of therapy or home nurse to help me. I am too sick often to drive to get to the dr to have a nurse inject me and I couldn’t afford it anyway. But I also don’t want you to think that I have been doing NOTHING about this situation. For weeks, every day, I have tried. Tried to administer a shot to myself.
It hasn’t worked out so well.
The first day, my hand was shaking so bad, I literally couldn’t hold the needle.
When I got it to the point that I could unwrap and hold it, I would sob and throw up whenever I would get close to my skin.
Yesterday, I thought if I stood up so I didn’t have such a great view of the needle, it would help.
It actually went in.
The second it did?
I felt the blood drain out of my head and I passed out and hit my head on the dresser. (Obviously standing up is just not a good idea for this procedure. Oh, and FYI? If you were the type of person who thought that swooning ladies in the movies was soooo romantic as a kid? Um, yeah. It kinda sucks ass. I don’t recommend it AT ALL.) The needle must have fallen out when I fell and I couldn’t face it again.
I know some of you find this hideous of me. After KNOWING the consequences it can bring, after having lost a baby, to let something like a stupid NEEDLE put everything in such jeopardy? How some wonderful people would give their eye teeth and take shots all day long just to HAVE a baby?
I know, ok?
I feel less than worthless.
Do you know how shitty this makes me feel? What a total FAILURE I am? I feel pathetic and worthless that my life and the life of my baby depends on this medication and I have not been able to make myself stick that needle into my skin.
Until today.
It took me three hours.
THREE.
But I did it.
I don’t know how, but I FUCKING DID IT.
I gave myself a shot.
WITH A NEEDLE.
I would celebrate, but I need to start bracing myself to do it all again in another 720 minutes.
Filed under: 
Good job Loralee! You CAN do it again. I have a tad bit of an idea of how hard it might be for you as I always say that the bottom line reason I’ve done natural births vs. with epidural is that I would rather have the pain than a needle in my back.
Can your husband stick you while you’re sleeping?
Hmm. Sounded less dirty in my head.
word girlfriend.
I luff you.
I understand – I have vasovagal syncope, and while I’m not afraid of needles, my body has a physical reaction I can’t control when I get shots or have blood drawn and it sucks… so I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m really sorry, Loralee. All I know is that the only thing that makes a difference for me is I have to be completely laying down when the needle hits my skin… somehow that controls my reaction. Maybe that would help? Look it up on the internet – there’s a chance you might have the same reaction, it’s a very real thing. I’m thinking of you… Hugs.
(and I’m sure this comment won’t go through.. so I’m not sure why I’m rambling – hello spam!)
You are a amazing. I am overwhelmingly proud of you. I am watching the people I love fall to pieces, and you are doing this THING, this amazing thing.
Don’t let anyone tell you this isn’t a THING, because it is, and you are doing it, and you are amazing.
Courage!
And in the lingo of online gaming, “Gratz! WTG!”
You really ought to celebrate, too, in your own way.
No criticism here – I commend you for being brave, putting it out there for everyone to read, and trying to deal with it the best you can. Good for you! I wish you strength and patience and much luck in another 720 minutes.
Oh God, I’m sorry. Words can’t really help here, can they?
Have you tried lying on your bed, on your back and sticking yourself? You wouldn’t be able to see the needle but you also wouldn’t run the risk of brain dmage if you passed out.
I have never commented…but wanted to say “I’m proud of you” – if for nothing more than to give you a tiny bit more courage for the next time…random people on the internet (me) are rooting for you – and if that helps at all, then it’s worth it. Good Luck!!!!
Have you thought about hypnosis? Seriously. I have heard it can do wonders for phobias.
Hang in there. You can do it.
I think that you are amazingly strong just to have posted this. And just remember, you did it once. That was the hardest part. You can do it again.
I wish I had some words of encouragement or advise but I don’t. All I can say is that you did great facing the demon head on today. It might not see like it is something you can do again stay focused and you’ll be able to do it.
Good luck!!
(Am snorting at what Backpacking Dad said in his comment.)
You are not a bad person. LISTEN TO ME! Having a fear that big can be debilitating. And you did it- you pushed through it- so that means you can do it AGAIN. And you will because you want to live.
You want to live.
The fear is only in your mind. YOu are stronger than it.
Thinking good, courageous thoughts for you, friend.
This is the kind of post I (like) to read — because it’s something that you HAD to say. I hope it gets a little bit easier to give yourself that shot, and that you can stop beating yourself up about. I hope, esp, that writing about it makes things a bit easier.
I think we all have those things that we know we should do or take care of or stop doing (like smoking or drinking too much or drinking caffeine or eating too much or not eating enough or not drinking enough water or yelling at the kids) and it doesn’t really help to KNOW what we should do or how we should do it or how we should think about it.
I’ve had two surgeries on my shoulder, and with the last one (in April), my surgeon felt pretty optimistic about it — he just warned me that the physical therapy and strength training would be super-important for the first year.
That surgery cost 10,000 dollars, incredible pain, life havoc of being unable to use my right arm for 6 weeks, depression from painkillers, etc, etc, etc. And so of course I am doing my physical therapy RELIGIOUSLY, right? Of course not.
I’m human, too.
I had the same thought as Backpacking Dad originally–that maybe it would work if someone could give you the shot while you were asleep–but then you mentioned the burning pain, so maybe that wouldn’t be ideal or even doable.
All of that to say: You totally kicked that shot’s ass. Hang in there, babe, as you already are. You are braver and stronger than even you know.
No criticisms here. That will not help you.
What can we do to help? Does writing help? Cause we’re here to listen!
Just one thing: whatever you did for yourself today to psych yourself up to give yourself the shot, please do it again. And again. And again. You are much too valuable to your kids, your husband, and your little baby in your belly to not be here tomorrow. We all love you and need you, but surely they love and need you more. Try to do it for them. I know it’s hard, but keep trying. You can do it.
you are right…i don’t get it. so instead, i’m going to laugh at backpacking dad.
i fear spiders like this. so maybe i do get it?
Props. I have a huge thing about needles and could barely even READ THIS without passing out. Honestly I skimmed most of it ’cause it really does make me dizzy to even think about having to do something like this. Except the part about passing out… that made me laugh out loud in the middle of the library. Mostly ’cause I’d be right there with you… I once passed out and fell off the toilet and managed to bullseye my left eye against the side of the tub, leaving me with a black eye and several weeks of “I swear, he doesn’t beat me” discussions. OK, so there’s my embarrassing story of the day…
What were we talking about.. oh yeah, needles. I feel for you honey. I don’t know what I would do if it were me. Good luck.
I’m totally just a lurker here, but I thought maybe I could help!
First of all good job!
Needles suck! I know, I’m a Type 1 diabetic (insulin dependent) and I have been pricking and sticking for a LONG time.
I’m also a Phlebotmist so I not only stick myself but I stick patients too!
ok so I’m not so scared of needles. I was DEATHLY afraid before I was diagnosed.
ANYWAY! Have you ever heard of emla cream? Its a numbing cream that you put on before injections, and it works!
Sometimes it just helps to ease the patients mind from having to get stuck, I don’t know if it would help or work but its worth a shot! (pun intended:))
Wow.
Deep breaths. Good thoughts.
You already know you can do this. Now you just have to make it happen.
Sending lots of big courage vibes your way.
I think you’re brave. Way to conquer your needle-demon. I hope the next shot is a little bit easier.
And honestly, until someone has climbed into YOUR brain and experienced YOUR fear, they shouldn’t criticize. Or judge. Or condemn. Because no one really *knows* your fear, except for you.
Hugs and happy thoughts…
I don’t have any phobias, but I know they’re more than simple fears. And I know that what you did was momentous. Good on you, and I really hope the best for you and your family.
Have you tried a topical numbing agent? I am deathly afraid of needles (I faint every time I have blood drawn.) There is a numbing agent here in Canada called Emla (they might have it in the US, or at least something similar.) It numbs the skin so you can’t feel the needle going in. As long as I’m looking away from the needle, I can get through it. There is a slight bit of pressure, but it just feels like someone pressing on your arm. Maybe it’s worth a try?
Fear is a powerful emotion; or state of being.
The fact that you did it by yourself today has got to be exhilarating (even if short lived). Try and pull from that if you can.
I know whereof you speak in regards to the heparin. I had to have it in the hospital. You are absolutely right. It sucks. But, there is a wee somebody who is doing their very best to grow well and come into your arms. If nothing else, as I pictured the cancer gone, picture the little one in your arms and maybe that may make 1 more shot okay.
I can always bribe you with hedgehogs if none of the above suggestions help!
XO
hon, i know what it’s like to live with a serious phobia. and you are so obviously the opposite of a failure. i mean, you did it! amazing!
Cheering for you…
I.Would.HATE.That. I’m with you on needles and death, with death being the lesser evil. I get fillings in my teeth without novocaine because of the needle factor and have made vacation choices based on where I could go that would not require additional immunization. I’m amazed and proud that you managed to give yourself a shot!!! I don’t know that I could do it – I’d have to rely on my husband chasing me around. That said, have you talked to your doctor about this? Maybe you can take Warfarin (an oral anticoagulant) instead? And don’t even tell me you can’t swallow a pill – grind them into dust and stick them in pudding if you have to!
Cesar Milan says that facing your obsession is the only way to get over it. And if it works for dogs with irrational fear of rocks, then, well, by golly, I have high hopes for you. :)
I am thinking about you. and i am PROUD of you.
Amazing, Loralee, just plain amazing.
I am constantly impressed with your ability to face fear of all sorts and win.
Kudos!
I cannot imagine having to deal with all that on top of the normal stresses and hormones and stuff of pregnancy. I’m very impressed that you managed to do the shot today. Good job!
I was thinking the whole let him give you the shot while you are sleeping thing, too. And that topical numbing agent idea is good too. But you, learning to overcome your fear and do it yourself? Priceless!!
Kindof like having diabetes and a needle-phobia……….
I wonder, do we all feel like naval-lint about the things that seem so difficult to overcome? I know I do and you do – does everyone else? I dont think my husband does – I don’t think he finds anything difficult to overcome! Oh wouldnt that be dreamy!!
Wow. That is one powerful post. Congratulations. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been! Seriously. I can’t… and don’t really want to to be perfectly honest with you. :)
Congrats on that Loralee. I had the same problem when I had my stem cell transplant. I had to give myself shots everyday in the stomach too, and it would take me a very long time to do it. My mom refused to do it. I swore that I would never inject myself with anything as long as I lived, but I had to do it. I would sit there in the chair or on the couch and it would take forever for me to do it, even though the needle was so damn small that it didnt hurt, the stuff that I had to inject stung, but that didnt bother me, it was the sticking it into me that I couldnt do. I would be sweating so hard and everything. There would be a few times that I would get it in my belly and then pull it out by accident becuase I would forget to let go of the syringe to do the plunger. Then I would have to do it again. IT SUCKED.
One good thing was that when my sister was around for the few days that I had to do that. She was more then happy to stick that needle into me. She told me it was payback for hitting her on the head with Tonka truck when we were kids and being so mean to here when we were kids. It made here feel good. I hope that this comment helps you. I know what you are going through with the needle…
I hate needles. The worst part of childbirth was my epidural. And it’s one of the reasons I don’t like the dentist. But, now whenever I have to get a shot I tell myself nothing is as bad as the epidural and if I did it then I can take whatever else comes. You can do it too!
I am really sorry.
Out of all my insane anxiety ridden fears needles are my #1. Even reading this entry and typing the word is hard for me. So I am VERY much with you on that. I can’t even imagine what this is like for you. My parents and one of my siblings have diabetes and I am terrified of what would happen if I got it.
I am SO proud of you for being able to do do it today. That is amazing. You’ll get through this.
I know these questions are probably stupid so feel free to ignore them but…Have you discussed other options with your doctor? Is this the end all solution? There is nothing else?
Is it possible for someone other than your hubby to administer the shots? Would you be able to drive to the Dr’s to get them done?
Just trying to think of something that might help you.
Good luck! Don’t be afraid to speak your mind on your own website. The trolls are so not worth it. Screw them.
I can only repeat what others have said. This is a very moving and powerful post and only we can know the fears that we face. Kudos for doing the business with the needle, just go and do it again!! ;-)
Given the life threatening nature of what you’re dealing with, why have you not seen a hypnotherapist?
I am so proud of you for giving yourself the shot, I wish I could reach through the screen and kiss you. Now I don’t have to drive up there and knock some courage into you.
good on you, loralee! i’m rooting for you.
Lookit here, little momma: First, it’s not a competition. We all know there is no winner in the pain Olympics, there is no gold medal to bring home. Your problems as compared to others are irrelevant; you do you and get YOU and YOUR BABY and YOUR FAMILY through this the best way YOU know how, right.
And anyone, and oh hells yeah I mean to say ANYONE, with balls big enough to criticize but feet not in your shoes can go get effed all up in their collective a’s because what they think matters not; it’s what YOU do, can do, to get through that matters.
All that to say, I’m stoopid proud of you and will be mentally holding your hand 720 minutes from now.
you know that bravery means not just that you did something difficult, but that you did something difficult inspite of being terrified. You are so very, very brave. Good luck.
xo
b.
I’m so sorry…that sounds nothing short of horrifying, but I’m proud of you for giving it to yourself. I am sending good thoughts your way and hoping it gets easier. xoxo
We have the same fears. Except for the needles. I wish I could take them for you babe, cause I totally understand that total and utter irrational fear.
Is there a friend who can help you? Practising on oranges to try and desensitise yourself?
Whatever you do you should be damn proud of yourself, cause I know I am.
Fear is real and heavily powerful. I’m proud of you.
You go girl! Here’s hoping that each time you do it, it will get a little bit easier.
Have you tried doing it while laying on your back?
I know about that blog that you were on and it was terrible. I’m sure if the rumors about the who’s and the what’s regarding it are true, I would be wrathful. She cannot be your favourite person and you have the right to be fearful of the internet with people that can write anonymous hate like that and just continue blogging stupidly like nothing happened.
It does seem like you never have anything here in the comments section that is too bad, though so maybe that is something?
I am proud of you and hope that you have continual courage in this journey.
Oh, sweetie. You are NOT worthless, and you are NOT a failure. You are one of the most amazing women I know. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But I am so overwhelmingly proud of you for overcoming your very real fear today. I know you can do it again because you DO have courage. I’ve seen it. You’re amazing, and I love you.
Good for you that you did it!!! Big props for that!
I really like the idea about your husband giving you the shot while you sleep. Or I’d suggest hypnosis. Can you find that where you are? I suppose at this point, you should try whatever you can if you’re able to.
Are injections the only thing you can do? I have MTHFR which is also a clotting factor. I over clot and have too much protein in my blood, thus not so good for supporting a fetus. But I took very high levels of folic acid and B vitamins my whole pregnancy and in the beginning I took baby aspirin too until my specialist took me off of it. Are you able to do anything like that or is heparin the only thing you can do?
Just keep at it girl. You are very strong and can do this!!
You are much kinder than I feel I deserve, so THANK YOU. I DO feel amazing that I actually freaking DID IT. Really, i never thought it was something I could ever do.
I have thought about hypnosis for a whole bunch of reasons, but I live in a tiny area and honestly haven’t pursued it that much. It may be worth a shot. (Pun TOTALLY intended).
I will ask my dr. about a numbing agent. That WOULD be helpful, for certain.
I also don’t think that the oral kind of Wafarin is a go. I know that they prescribe it in other countries, but I am pretty sure it is still a big no-no here. I will ask, though.
Seriously, you guys are so…great.
@J
“It does seem like you never have anything here in the comments section that is too bad, though so maybe that is something?”
That would be thanks to a little thing called “COMMENT MODERATION”.
If it has a whiff of disagreeable, I don’t let it through.
I DO let dissenting options through if they aren’t hateful, but ONLY if they have a valid email and website. My feeling is that I have to be accountable for what I write. If you’re going to disagree, that’s fine, but you can’t be a coward about it.
Happy, complementary cowards are totally welcome here. It may be hypocritical of me but so what? It’s my blog.
AND?
It is so tempting to let some of them go through, because I KNOW my readers would rip them to shreds, but that is really NOT the kind of atmosphere I want here.
I have a fear of needles too and I can not even imagine giving on to anyone, let alone myself so I am so proud of you. And don’t think about the future shots, just take them one and a time. You did it this morning, you can do it again. Then tomorrow you can tell yourself, you did it twice already.
Also, this isn’t really related but I think it is kinda funny. It took my about 3 hours when I was 13 to put in my first tampon. No one else was home and I just stood there in the bathroom all morning, and finally was able to make myself do it. I don’t want you to think they are at all the same, but thought it might make you laugh.
I’d take a shot (of alchohol) before giving myself a shot, but I guess you can’t do that when knocked up. I think it’s easier to have someone else do it too. I’d have a hard time as a diabetic just because I’d have to do it to myself.
So, uh, Loralee, I think you should stop apologizing so much. Everyone has their problems, and there’s nothing wrong with talking about it without putting up the dukes.
GIRL! LIFE IS THE SHITS!
I have numbing cream if you want it, and if your Dr gives you grief about it, let me know, I will fed ex it right over.
Sending love and Diet coke your way!
Good for you doing it!!! And don’t let anyone tell you your fears are silly or unfounded – they’re yours and yours alone.
The numbing cream sounds like a great option for the pain, but I know it’s the needles…hmm….do they do anything magic for kids who have to get daily shots to make it easier for them? Cover the needle with a little stuffed animal so you can’t see it? Maybe a combo of shotblocker or emla + not seeing the needle would work?
Hang in there, you’re doing great!!
First, congratulations for doing it once. I hope it gets easier.
Second, when I knew the next stage of infertility treatments would involve shots, I made it clear to my reproductive specialist and my husband that we would be buying a baby, because I could not do daily shot. (Fortunately, we didn’t get to that point before I got pregnant.) I know where you are with this, and it’s impossible for anyone to understand it unless they are in your shoes. You have to do what you can.
Finally, I think you should live blog the next shot. Come on. Do it! (I know — I’m a sadistic bitch, aren’t I?)
I am terrifed of needles. I accidentally walked in on our office manager giving herself a insulin shot and nearly vomited.
Then, I found out I have to take shots for my fertility treatment. When I went to the instruction class I was shaking so bad the nurse took me out of the room. My husband had to hide the needles from me to keep me from freaking out.
I learned to deal (although not well). The few things that helped:
1. Learning to do it myself, having the control made it more bearable.
2. Think about exhaling at the same second the needle goes in.
3. Keep my mind fully on my future child. I would do anything to have a baby, just as you would do anything to be a great mom. In order to do that, I have to do this horrible thing. But, I can do it and so can you. You did it today. YOu can do it again tomorrow.
My husband totally had to do this last month. The ER Dr. said “we can keep you for 3-5 days or we can send you home (looking at me) and you’ll need to give him his shots” and I was all like “ADMIT PLEASE”. But the husband wasn’t for it all and had to give the shots to himself. I couldn’t even be in the room! YOU.. dear lady.. are AWESOME!
Oh.. the hubby says that maybe you could try giving yourself the shot while laying down. That way it’s really hard to look at it and if you pass out.. well.. you won’t go anywhere. =)
Wow! Congratulations!!!!
I didn’t read all the comments, but I read your follow up in the comments and I see that someone recommended hypnosis. I thought of that but figured you already had enough advice. But Kerflop did that, you know. So you could give her a call about it. I know they can do it for childbirth and for needles.
When I was pregnant with my twins I insisted that my doctor allow me to take one baby aspirin every day because of the blood thinning effect and the studies I had read that showed that this tiny little thing was like a miracle for women who suffered miscarriages due to the issue I had. My kids were full term and healthy.
With all the stress of working yourself up to each injection, just maybe there is another way? There is some interesting info on baby aspirin out there. Maybe your doctor has heard of the benefits or could check on it.
If it isn’t appropriate for you, I hope the injections get easier. :)
Loralee,,,,,, the first time i stumbled onto your website, i had to do a quick doublecheck to see if your name was loralee tanis……. “the best thing i ever wrote.” then, once i had sorted out the fact that there were multiple “bugs” i was hooked. let me just say this, you are one of the 2 toughest women i “know”. lurker “knowing”, that is. it seems so weird to post/say this but i’ll do it anyway, ” i’m proud of you loralee!!! p.s. you need to post some of your singing! gifts are to be shared! steve
Congratulations.
In many ways I can relate to this post.
I am a diabetic. A severe diabetic. I’ve always hated needles. I didn’t have to do injections until I became pregnant with my twins. When the doc told me I would HAVE to go onto insulin, I have never felt so panicked in my life. Me and needles do not mix well!
It took me an hour to bring myself to do that first shot in my stomach. It slid in like butter. I was shocked it didn’t hurt. It hurts like hell when other people give me shots, but not when I get them myself. I think the trick is to do it slowly and use the smallest needle possible.
I doubt any of that will help, but that’s my advice on the needle thing. Testing my damn blood is a million times worse than the 5 shots a day I do in my stomach.
(This may help too…try doing the shot slightly lower than your belly button. Upper tummy hurts, lower tummy doesn’t…for me at least.)
I know you can do it. You have faced far more scary things in your life.
You should be so proud of yourself! Thats amazing! Each one will get easier and easier,
I understand what you went through. I have a few irrational fears myself and they bring me to a point of pure PANIC, its really hard to break.
You broke yours. You can do it again!
@Stephen
I’m not trying to really single anyone out here because everyone has been fabulous, but I wanted to tell you something.
I love Tanis. Truly love her.
The internet (and a very persistent Moosh in Indy) kept trying to set us up as friends because of our two bugs.
It worked and we hit it off fabulously.
She has helped me a LOT through some really tough things and I absolutely love her. So, yours is a high compliment, indeed.
You rock! And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is hard for YOU. This is YOUR thing. We’re out here propping you up with prayer every day and hoping that the next one will be easier. Muah!
Hey, you know what I think? I think you are awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. The awesomest. I could never never in a thousand years give myself a shot. You are my new awesome hero.
Awesome.
Loralee – I’m so glad that you came through for yourself and your baby.
I have to be honest. The whole time I was reading this post, I’m going, “It can’t be THAT hard, can it?” but I know that it is – you wouldn’t be posting like this if it weren’t. And I KNOW that. But even knowing that, the asshole thoughts creep in. UGH! I hate myself sometimes.
Anyway, despite all the first reactional butt-faced thoughts I tend to have, I am proud of you and glad that you jumped that hurdle today. I wish you the best of luck with it tomorrow and the next day too.
I realize that this probably sounds a little backwards, especially considering that the problem is that you can’t ADMINISTER the drugs, rather than can’t STOP, but have you tried maybe a 12 step approach to dealing with your fear? That stuff can really be applied to anything, and it can help you break the situation down bit by bit and slowly lift it away.
Anyway – best wishes doll.
Good job!! I’m so sorry that this is such a struggle for you!
Congrats on DOING IT! You have such courage!
And if it makes you feel better, I was sitting in class thinking about needles today and I passed out and hit my head.
But the point is – YOU DID IT! CONGRATS!!!
And I know you can do it again!
I hear you. For most of my adult life I have had a phobia about riding in a car while someone else is driving. So bad that my husband really thought I needed professional help. I went to a psychiatrist. We talked about a lot of things, then got to the fear I had… When I told him that I had been in 9 automobile accidents (one of which put me in the hospital for over two weeks), and one Greyhound bus accident… the dr. looked at me and said, “You don’t have a phobia, you have a legitimate reason for a fear!” Then we worked on overcoming it. Thankfully, today I can now ride with my husband driving, and often with my son driving.
I wish you the best with this fear. Talk to your dr., especially about the passing out part! He may have some good suggestions. Your life and the life of your baby are at stake for goodness sake!!!!!!!!
Can I celebrate for you? Because I have one of those crazy, irrational, puke on your shoes kind of fears about heights. So I am SO F*CKING PROUD OF YOU.
For reals.
*smooches*
Hang in there, girl. I am so proud of you!!! xo
Man…we are so much alike, it’s scary. I don’t have the clotting disorder but all the other stuff…man! It’s nuts!
Let’s chat about the withdrawl thing sometime. You might have some insight for me. I hope. Anyhow, keep up the good work and take it one day at a time.
@Crystal
Withdrawl is HELL. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. ;)
I knew NOTHING about what was going to happen to me when I went off Oxycontin. After about 8 months on it, I just said on a Friday, “Oh, I don’t think I need it anymore, so don’t bother refilling my script, honey”.
YEAH.
My husband had me wrapped up in a sweat drenched quilt and carried me into the ER within 8 hours thinking I was DYING.
I had no idea that when I would feel so shitty between pills, it was withdrawl, NOT side effects from my blood clot. I had no idea what being physically dependent on a narcotic remotely meant.
It was horrible. I was treated horribly by the doctors and nurses, saying I needed “Rehab” and I was sobbing and crying saying, “I just took what they told me to! I have no idea what is happening to me!”.
It. Effing. Sucked.
I did get through it though. I would do it much, much differently if I had had all the information in the first place.
So? I try to help anyone going through it or looking at it any way I can. If just to say, “YES, I HAVE BEEN THERE AND LIVED.”
Shoot me an email if you’d like.
:)
Oh, hon! The pain that this puts you through is evident! I’m praying that you can continue to give yourself these shots!!
So damn proud of you.
My sister recently had to overcome her fear of the pokey sharp things to administer medicine. It was hell to watch and I can’t imagine having to do it myself.
You go girl. I KNOW you can do this. You are one tough chicklet. Never ever forget that.
And just know that if you ever need me to, I’ll be down there in a heart beat to stick it to ya. Whether you like it or not.
(But you’d totally like it. Wink.)
I hope this post is cathartic and helps you find your courage.
*To your health*
A vibrator that plays mp3s sounds like a good idea. Then a lady doesn’t need to put on a CD. I might try to invent that.
YAY! GO LORALEE!!!
Have I told you how much I admire you for just saying it like it is? Thank you for sharing this victory with me and all your other fans :)
Good for you. It’s so difficult to overcome fears. Take it slow and have confidence in yourself
Way to go! Congratulations. Take it one day at a time.
I can’t imagine how awful that must be. I can’t imagine.
Yay you for doing it. One step at a time, right? One day, one step, one shot at a time.
You are strong and brave.
Keep breathing, keep trying. It’s the only way, and it’s worked once for you, at least. And all these comments are right, you are incredibly brave for facing your fears head on, even if it doesn’t seem like it all the time.
(((HUGS)))
You are a brave, amazing and awesome chick!
Not trying to flame or be an asshat but can’t you take the Heparin pills or some of the other blood thinners that heart patients use?
Loralee, I am SO PROUD of you for being honest about this and for making yourself face your fear for three hours till you DID IT. Just because I don’t share your fear doesn’t mean it’s not real and huge to you, and I know how hard it’s been for me to face my own fears in the past, irrational though they’ve been.
I am going to start praying for you every day, specifically about the needle thing, and for the continued health of you and your precious babe too. Maybe knowing that I’m praying will help a little tiny bit.
Also, it’s not exactly a vibrator that plays, MP3s, but…http://www.ohmibod.com/
Way to go!
I’ve been lurking for a while now (found you through SSB) but thought I’d come out of the cracks and tell you CONGRATULATIONS on doing the impossible. I hope you find that it gets easier every time.
Fear like that is a very real thing. Not rational, not easily understandable, but very, very real. I know. Congrats on pushing through it.
Wow, Loralee. I’m so sorry. What a terrible way to have to try and deal with your fears. I am so, so impressed with what you did today. I can’t imagine the kind of courage it must have taken for you to give yourself that shot today. Good luck to you tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. (Hugs)
You go girl! Three hours today, two tomorrow, and in no time it’ll be a blink of an eye. You’re strong, and you CAN do it.
x
Besides hypnotherapy, there are also desensitizing sessions. But I found the very thing that got me through labour (LaMaze breathing) would calm me enough to get through just about anything. It really helped when I was crippled with anxiety. Try to reconstruct the joy and love when your babies were born, and breathe it in. Give it a colour that gets brighter and bigger with each breath. When you have that going on, ask hubby to do the needle deed. That way you won’t hit your head.
You are in my heart.
I’m proud of you. It’s not an easy thing to get over. ((Hugs)).
If I was there I’d totally shoot you up. I’d be your personal nurse. :)
I had shots once a week during pregnancy. The first one was the worst. I worried about it all day. I did come up with a technique to do it fairly painlessly. Having all those shots got me over my concern with needles.
My technique was to ice the area for 15-20 minutes (must be exactly in this range), inject, then immediately use a hot pack. With the ice, it just feels like pressure, not a stick.
You go, girl! I think you are way, way, stronger than your realize.
Keep going! You CAN do it again! I really didn’t think after reading your whole post that you did, but you DID! And that is awesome.
p.s. they have insulin pumps now so you only have to stick yourself every other week to move the catheter.
So very proud of you. You CAN do it again. I KNOW it!
I just finished shot number THREE.
Man.
I have gotten a few tricks to make it easier and this last one only took me 45 minutes to get in.
That’s progress.
Right???
Wow. Just, wow. I’m super proud of you for pushing through the fear yesterday and just doing it. Now, all you’ve got to do is remember the bean inside your belly and do that for a few more weeks. YOU CAN DO IT! I know you can! Go mama!
P.S. I am totally scared of needles too-I’ve had some really horrendous experiences with drawing blood and they can NEVER get IVs in me-I’ve had 3 surgeries in the past 3 months and I always feel like I’m about to die when they go to insert the IV, because I know how hard it’s going to be. My veins go hiding. All the nurses poke around, which hurts like HELL, and they eventually have to get the anesthesiologist to try to get it in, which hurts even more…ugh. I hope I don’t have to have an IV put in for a long, long time (well, 1 more surgery next year, but that better be all).
Hang tight, chick. You can conquer this. It WILL NOT conquer you.
CONGRATULATIONS. Overcoming something like that is a huge deal, and you rock for doing it.
Something that’s come up for me a lot this week is forgiveness – it sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself for having a hard time with this, and I hope that you can be more forgiving with yourself about it, even as you’re working to get through it all.
Big, big props to you on this one.
Girl, I feel the pain. During Declan’s pregnancy they found my diabetes and you can’t take oral meds when you are pregnant. And pregnancy make diabetes that mnuch worse, so they ordered me to the hospital THAT NIGHT to get on insulin shots. And forced me to give them to myself. Two times a day. I didn’t have the fear as bad as you, but it was pretty bad.
All I can say is, I don’t have the fear any more.
And I am lucky I can take oral meds now that I am not pregnant anymore.
Anyway, big hugs,
Just pretend the syringe is a penis. A very unfortunate teeny tiny penis that has lost its way.
It is the least you can do for a very unfortunate teeny tiny penis.
:)
Oh, sweetie. I am so proud of you!
xoxoxo
OH man….
Yeah….I can handle people SHOVING needles into me…but don’t ask me to do it to myself…
I almost passed out trying to do a HIGH SCHOOL project on blood while trying to get one tiny prick of blood from my body.
I hear ya.
Cold sweats…yeah….
Pass out…..yeah…..
I hear yah.
It sucks, I know. I had to take Lovenox and Heparin throughout my last pregnancy (not at the same time)because of a clotting disorder (MTHFR). I took my shots in the leg – maybe that would help? I’m not sure I could’ve done the stomach. Or maybe ask about Lovenox – it hurt way less then Heparin. We decided not to have any more kids after that pregnancy because the shots were hard as hell, so no judging here. I always thought a few shots of “courage” would’ve helped, but that whole pregnancy thing…
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
@Kristi
They just told me that the sting is a lot less in the abdomen and that is where it usually works best. (It.Sucks.)
I was originally on Lovenox but my 20% of the prescription was $800. YEAH. So, I have to put up with more shots that hurt like a mofo. Ug.
Hug! Go you. You’re awesome.
Congratulations – Three shots!!!
That is so good, because fear is sooo irrational. No matter what we know, our emotions just don’t get it.
Keep going.
We all have our craziness. You’re doing GREAT!
Baby steps. No pun intended :)
Knowing your history and knowing where you have come from with Matthew and your history of blood clots make me soooooo proud of you to muster up the courage just to get pregnant. You had to overcome a lot to get where you are today. And this next step? You WILL prevail!
Your story could be mine and my kids are now 16 and 18. Good luck.
Why not ask the doc about putting in an injection port? That way it is only one stick.
Good luck and hope you are doing well!
I’m new here and have read through a lot of posts already when I came across this one. I know it’s old and commenting is probably weird but I also have this condition and just wanted you to know that I understand completely. I had to go through this too, although I don’t have the fear of needles, giving myself those shots twice a day during two pregnancies was horrible. By now you may already know this but just in case, something I discovered is that the top of your inner thigh, in that fatty flesh, is much, much less painful than the belly. It gets to be an exercise in flexibility when your belly gets huge but it’s so worth it.
Unfortunately many men will suffer diabetes impotence before they do something about their blood sugar level. The diabetic has a poison in their bloodstream called glucose. This powerful poison can cut of the circulation in the body. Waiting is the worst things that a diabetic or person with a high blood sugar level can do. The poison in the bloodstream can eventually cut your life short.