I got an email from a “former” reader this evening. (They were very clear on the “former” part).
People stop reading me all the time and while it is never something that is fun to find out, I understand. There are eleventyhundred and one different things that could be the reason or motivation, so I really don’t get bent out of shape about it.
THIS email, however?
Pushed me over the edge.
I came “THIS” close to deleting my blog tonight.
Shutting it down.
Walking away from the Internet entirely.
My crap meter reached 11. I couldn’t take one more bit of ugly fall out from the World Wide Web.
There has been a lot, and I mean a LOT of fugly directed my way from the Internet for a very, very long time that I have stayed pretty quiet about. It helped to go to Blogher and to talk about my frustration with other seasoned bloggers who have been there.
It did help.
But then?
IT GOT SO MUCH EFFING WORSE.
I am human. I have made mistakes, made people mad, hurt feelings, etc. I try my best to make it right when I can, apologize when I’m wrong and learn from it. There are people in the world who hate me because, well…I’ve given them reason. I understand that. But even those who have good reason to hate my guts are decent people and even they wouldn’t unleash some of the things said from people I don’t even know. (Well, most of them I don’t know.)
The sickest, most evil, perverse and hideous things you can imagine have been written about me, my family, my dead infant, my child I’m carrying…you cannot even wrap your head around the things my eyes have read. Over and over, things said privately and publicly. And even though some of the things that I find so hurtful are past or deleted off the Internet, MY ANGER IS NOT, and I have been finding it harder and harder to swallow how I feel.
There are some who have the attitude of, “Well, you DID put it out there on the Internet!”
So, me writing about my life online gives someone the right to tell me they hope my fetus dies and takes me with them? REALLY??
Tonight I came to a breaking point about it all.
The email I received was the straw that broke my ability to keep quiet. It said that my blog has turned to shit in the last few months and that “you obviously don’t care anymore since you’re sooooo full of yourself and don’t ever even post anymore” and that if “I didn’t start to act like I cared about the Internet I would lose the last 2 people still bothering to read me.”
I wanted to scream to the heavens that “THERE ARE REASONS WHY I AM AN INTERNET RECLUSE LATELY BUT I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG BECAUSE YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FEED THE DAMN TROLLS! ARG!!!!”
I was so mad, I went on Twitter and LET LOOSE. I DM’d people. I emailed. I posted on Facebook. I cried and screamed and let out two years of frustration about how DONE I WAS WITH “RISING ABOVE IT AND IGNORING THE HIDEOUSNESS THAT I KEEP FACING OVER AND OVER!”.
Then I wrote out the longest, most detailed, accusatory post in existence full of names, email addresses, IP addresses, blog URL’s, quotes, details and some language that would make the most hardened sailor blush.
Then?
I decided it was all a losing battle.
That I will NEVER be free of crap on the Internet no matter what I do.
That I could never trust anyone on the Internet fully again. That I have been so betrayed and hurt by some people who read my words it just wasn’t WORTH it any longer. The fact that I am the one that has to stay quiet and say NOTHING after these attacks just made it all so much worth.
So, I went to the blog suicide button and sat there really thinking that I was going to have a moment like I did with my Google Reader and just DELETE THIS BLOG AND BE DONE.
Then, I noticed the date.
12:03 am, November 10th.
My third blog anniversary.
The irony that I was about to cause the death of my blog on the anniversary of its birth was not lost on me.
I looked back at the delete key.
I couldn’t do it.
My mind started rushing with all these memories. What my life and mental state was when I started this place. How far I have come in so many areas. GOOD memories and my excitement and wonder about all things that was the Internet. My first comment. My first fans. My first friends. Discovering the crack that is known as “Twitter”. The THOUSANDS of HAPPY, WONDERFUL moments that this place has brought into my life. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that in many ways, this blog literally saved my life.
I thought about the fact that even though there are multitudes of evil, hateful, cruel people out there? There are so, so, so many more good things. People. Posts. Feelings. GOOD WILL.
I also know that I will not let evil, psychotic, hateful people ruin something I have worked so hard at. I will be damned if I let them win.
Maybe it is a mistake saying anything about it at all, that I shouldn’t let the trolls know that they almost won, that giving them anything is a huge failure on my part, but when it gets to the point of deleting your blog and letting them win the biggest prize of them all by silencing me completely or saying something?
I pick saying something.
Look, I know my blog has been crap lately. I know that I am virtually non-existent in the internet world of participation compared to what I have been in the past. I have become a bit of a recluse because the internet has been pretty ugly. Especially lately. I know I have been a total slacker with appreciation for my readers lately but you all have to know that even if I don’t respond or acknowledge them, each positive email and comment I get means the world. They help more than you know, because you often don’t see what is going on behind the scenes. How your words help counter the fugly hate than can hit me.
I honestly don’t know what is going to happen from here or how much immediate “Change” there is going to be here. I’ve been through a lot. But just making the decision that there is still more good than bad about the Internet for me is a good thing.
A good way to celebrate three years of hard work and joy and tears.
I mainly have you all to thank for it.
You fabulous, wonderful, pink puffy heart people.
Thank you.
Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
I may not always have the ability to show it well, but I love you all to bits.
Except for the haters.
YOU?
Can fuck the hell off and never, ever come back.
P.S. A double thank you to everyone that talked to me tonight. I am really grateful.
P.P.S. Sorry to all non-swearing people and my mother for using the “F” word. I really tried not to and I regret it so very, very much.
P.P.P.S. Ok, not really. It was the most accurate expression for what I feel and besides…it felt damn good to write.
Lame-os!
Don’t go away, cause then who will I stock then?
1. You do not suck. It is your blog. Write whatever you want or do not want.
2. I am voting for the tell all post to be published.
3. I am hormonal and pregnant and just had a birthday too so do not listen to me:-)
I echo everyone else when I say how totally amazing you are and how much trolls can bite the big one. Apparently this particular emailer hasn’t really read your blog lately to see how much you have had going on. Those trolls really do think it is all about them.
Big Squishy hugs to you hon!! Happy Anniversary! (couldn’t think of another UFC’er to rhyme with today…LOL)
Delurking to say stuff the haters, and happy bloggiversary.
I so enjoy reading your blog, it makes me feel a little more normal! :) I am so glad you decided to stick around.
I am fairly sure that if I had visited this site and seen that you had pulled your blog I would have burst into big, fat, ugly-crying tears.
I’m glad that you didn’t, and it’s not just for my own selfish reasons (i.e. love to read your blog). It’s easy for someone to sit and tell you not to worry about the trolls, just ignore them, they’re projecting onto you what they see wrong with themselves. It’s something totally different when you’re the one being abused. So I’m just going to think that you’re awesome and giving a big finger and “fuck you!” to the cruel people on the Internet by keeping your blog up, running, and funny.
Coming out of my lurking status to say that I like your blog – and if I didn’t, I would just stop reading it – hate mail is just not the way to go. You don’t owe anybody anything – write what you want – it’s YOUR blog – and if they don’t like it – well, then leave! It’s not like they are paying for a subscription or something! (Ok, that was totally lame, but what I’m trying to say, don’t let nasty ignorance get the better of you)
I’m so, so glad you changed your mind. Fuck them. FUCK THEM ALL.
Loralee,
Rock on, crazy, funny woman!
You are a favorite of mine. You have a humor all your own and it cracks me up every time!
Happy Anniversary! Sorry about all the hate directed your way.
Dear Loralee,
Santa here.
You’re on my naughty AND nice list.
For this very special achievement, I shall send you a very special Christmas gift this year. Just send the names of the mean little assholes and I’ll make sure to leave coal in their stockings. And then I’ll shove the socks up their asses.
Shouting Christmas Cheer for All to Hear,
Santa
P.S. Don’t even think about deleting this blog. Mrs. Claus is a huge fan and she’s quite creative with the coal, herself. Um, I’ve heard.
Somebody actually wrote to you that they are going to stop reading because you don’t update enough? I think that somebody needs to get a life. You’re not required to post specific content or post at specific intervals. It’s your blog, do with it what you want. (Except don’t delete it. Please!)
I didn’t read ALL the comments (you’re a popular gal, little lady!), but I wanted to send out some cousin-in-law love out to you! I’ve been enjoying reading your blog and am SO saddened to hear about this happening to you. Chin up! Hope to see you soon!
I really boggle at people taking the time to tell you they don’t like your blog.
The key word is ‘YOUR’ blog..not theirs. If they don’t likeee don’t readee.
And why are you supposed to care what ‘they’ think anyway?
Your blog….blog…not a public site…not a paid for site…YOUR blog.
To do with as you wish…
Is that not the point of personal blogs?
While I try to be pretty open on mine..I also hold back…and sometimes because I just can’t share..and then yeah I am sure the blog suffers.
And sometimes I am just not into it..but because it is MY blog….that is just fine.
You are SOO popular that you are getting this awful harrassment. It seems to be the way of things these days.
I’m a fan of you. But then, I would hope you already know that. Mad love to you, babe, and all I can hope is that you (keep writing, and) do your best to ignore people who clearly are lacking quite a lot of peace and ambition in their own lives to be attacking yours. xoxo
Wowzers. I mean, I hope you read this comment because I would be so narcissistically injured if you didn’t—
Rather than coming out and saying, “You’re blog is awesome,!” I think I can put it this way and it will be more important and, somehow, more appropriate: You do an amazing job of transcribing your thoughts and feelings here on your blog. It isn’t often that you can get such a realistic sense of how painful (or wonderful, of course) an experience is by reading their account of it.
I always know that when I visit here, I’ll find something meaningful. ALWAYS.
And about that commenter: That is so unbelievable invasive and caustic and angry and unsettling, you’d have been right to delete your blog to protect yourself from such blasphemy. But I’m glad you didn’t, because that person is not just your everyday depressive. That person is very sick—not depressed sick, angry, raging sick—and they need help. Right away. People of sound-ish mind don’t say something like that, especially to someone they don’t know. It is psychotic.
Cheers to you and your blog! Happy three!
Clink clink!
Sick, I just reread my comment and realized that I wrote to fast and skipped edits. Sorry for the grammatical snafoos. Poop.
I’m not a regular reader, but when I hear that my fellow mommy bloggers are being trolled and harassed and then wanna quit, I get all protective and mad. So, don’t quit so I can start reading you.
Lorelee I LOVE reading your blog. I’m so glad you didn’t delete it. You’re awesome and I can’t help sharing your blog with my friends. Never give up, even when people suck sometimes, you’re a million times better than them anyway.
I’m glad you didn’t set fire to this place. :o)
You’ve made an impact on me.
You are a talented writer.
I love your honesty.
I admire your strength.
I enjoy reading your blog.
I hope to be able to keep visiting you here for a long, long time.
Hey Lo! Look, I’m commentor 122, and we all love you. Seriously. That’s pretty damn cool. Keep blogging babe!
I’ve stumbled across some of the disgusting, vile, unbelievably heartless hate sites you may be talking about, and I’m SO sorry you have to deal with that shit.
You’re an amazing writer, and the people who love reading you CRUSH the people who don’t. You do what’s best for you, whatever that is.
Selfishly, I hope it doesn’t mean ever getting that close to hitting the delete button again. ;)
xo
Feels sort of redundant at this point… but I wanted to say happy anniversary and I’m glad you didn’t let them win.
You rock. You know it. You know I know it.
As do the other, wait, holy hell, 125 other people responding.
Haters? Meh.
You have the love babe.
I think with all the commenting love, you have your answer as to why you shouldn’t delete your blog.
Congrats for sticking around for three years and no letting the haters win.
I just wanted to add my name to the clamour that says “noooo, don’t do it!”. In any case we all blog for OURSELVES and not just the one person who feels that they should be pampered to!! s’there!
De-lurking to say, “PLEASE, do NOT delete!”
Would miss you. Happy third. Ignore the doodieheads, it’s not for them anyway.
I am so very sorry Loralee. So very sorry. No one ever deserves to have such hateful things written about them. NEVER.
I’m glad you’re still here and I hope you stay around knowing that there are far more that support you than you know!
*hugs*
Oh, and happy blogoversary!
Loralee,
You know I’m old enough to be your mother (66). My son is your age, (34).
I was in the blogging class at BSU when a classmate ‘found’ you, and I started reading you every day.
You have brought me joy, laughter, and yes, tears. Your writing is honest, which is more than I can say about some other blogs! I enjoy hearing about your struggles with things in your life, and how you have overcome so many fears.
When you posted the ‘Veterans’ Tribute’, I cried so hard! Your venture to conquer your fear of things was awe-inspiring! (the videos of you sky-diving!, and riding a horse!)
You have taught this ‘old one’ to try new things, not be afraid, look on the bright side, etc. and I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
Don’t let negative people dictate how you should write your blog, or how you should live your life, please!!!!!!
I love you, Loralee, and if I ever meet you in person, you will get the biggest hug and KNOW that this ‘old blogger’ has been profoundly touched by your honesty, caring, humor, and bravery.
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just discovered you recently from the program you were on with Seriously, So Blessed. I immediately put you on my blog reader. I like your blog. The trolls can all go to heck. (“heck” = my lame attempt to bring your family friendly rating back-ha!) :)
I don’t even understand what it is you write that could be so offensive. I love your blog and I’m glad it’s gonna get to be another year old.
Taking the anonymous route because I used to be a troll. This isn’t an easy thing to admit. It was in the days when I blogged and it got very out of hand. I was motivated by jealousy.
I wasn’t a great blogger. I worked at it very hard, but I never seemed to have the same successes as my peers. At some point, I can’t explain why, I got eaten up by jealousy and my own perceived failures.
I started sending hate mail to bloggers I was jealous of. I wanted to hurt them the way that their success hurt me. Several of them thought I was their friend, that is the worst of it. One of them even cried on my shoulder about it.
One day I had a conversation with my husband and he was talking about trollish behavior on the internet and how sick the people are that do it and I burst into tears. I admitted what I had done. He was very supportive and he made an appointment for me to go talk to someone.
A year later, I am doing a lot better but I will always have to live with knowing I hurt people so much and in such a cowardly way.
Even in my worst emails, I would never ever have put your dead son into the equation. I cannot imagine what the motivation is there and I am so sorry that is something you experienced.
I do not think that you were wrong to post about your feeling, either. I think that you have had a lot of attacks and at some point talking about it is the best thing you can do. You need to see that there are many more people that love you than that do not.
I am so ashamed of my past behavior and I feel so bad that someone out there wants to hurt you, but I am hoping to try and make up for it by telling you my story. I hope it helps.
Much Internet luv to you…(and happy belated birthday!!!)
As much as I love the internet, sometimes I hate it. I think some people feel it gives them a free license to be an idiot without repercussions. Go to any youtube video or news article and then scroll down to the comments – you’re bound to find someone making outrageous, and sometimes really sick, comments.
I don’t think it’s every going to stop. If it’s possible to identify the haters before opening the e-mail, I’d suggest just trying to delete them without even reading. p.s. happy belated birthday :-)
@a former troll
Wow. That is a really brave thing to cop to. I’m glad that you stopped and are trying to make amends because it is really hurtful to be on the receiving end. But I appreciate your candor and am glad you found someone to talk to.
I miss you.
I am another who just found your blog and I am so glad that you did not shut it down!I love reading it! It’s too bad there are people out there who try to tear others down. They need to get lives.
Happy 3rd Blogiversary!! :)
You are on my favorites bar and I do check in occasionally because I have several bloggers I keep track of (in lieu of actually writing something myself, or for that matter, doing something worth writing about)and I, for one, enjoy your site a lot. Can you block certain addresses from reaching you? You are a delightful, talented, interesting person. That’s the definitive word on that. You can now go on with the rest of your life with your pinkie poised over the del button in case of any unpleasant word so you won’t have to put up with two unpleasant words in a row!
Found you through karen sugarpants. After reading this, I’m a new reader. Your writing was very heartfelt and raw. I admire that.
Congrats on your 3 year anniversary!
First off, I don’t think your blog has turned to shit. Secondly there is NEVER a need to apologize for writing what you feel like writing or participating in the blogosphere as much as you willing and able.
I’m beyond sorry someone got to you like that. I’m beyond happy you’d didn’t hit delete.
I’m a longtime reader. I found you through Jessica back when she was VeryMom. I was very troubled after you posted pictures of you kissing another woman*, but I can’t quit you! I don’t think your blog has gone downhill. Your posting frequency is less, but I think your blog is still great. I love your honesty.
(*I only had a problem with it because you’re married and not in an open marriage, not because it was a woman.)
@Katie
Have I ever said I wasn’t in an open marriage??? (I kid)
I don’t mind that other people take exception to things I do. They have that right. A lot of people took issues with those photos for various reasons. Over 40 people quit reading me after that. I’m glad that you didn’t. I didn’t mean to piss people off.
At the end of the day, though, they were taken in a fun lighthearted moment, the people in the pictures were fine with them, the spouses of the people in the pictures were totally fine with them and it wasn’t at all a sexual thing. It did not bother Jonathan even a tiny, teeny bit. And if my husband is fine with it, that is the opinion that counts with me.
However, I also realize that my boundaries and what I consider playful fun will not always mesh with other people’s definitions of it.
Ok…So this is the VERY FIRST TIME I have EVER read your blog. And now I will be reading it faithfully. I love that you are honest and true. And don’t take crap from anyone. Much the same as me. I’m glad that you thought things through and didn’t delete your blog, or I wouldn’t be able to read your rant which made me feel human and realistic towards this whole “blogging” thing. I am new at this, but have poured my heart into my words. I hate that people are so opinionated. Keep it to yourself and do us all a freaking favor, jackass!
@Katie…
I was that other woman. *Ducks* It was innocent, and totally in the interest of hilarity. I see why some people took exception to it, but really, it was an “i love you like my sister” kiss, that’s it. :)
I read you blog, then don’t read it, then come back and read it again.
It’s nothing personal.
I read so many different blogs, some get lost in the shuffle – or some I just take a break and come back.. stuff like that.
People who waste time writing such hateful emails are shit! And I’m sorry that happened to you.
Happy Birthday by the way.
And Happy Blogiversary.
I think the internet would implode if you shut down your blog. You are one of those people who leaves a pretty big void in your absence. Just from what I’ve read here on your blog recently (I haven’t been reading you very long) you have some pretty loyal readers that could maybe make up for the horrible, small, ugly people that say hurtful things to you. Keep blogging. Don’t let them win.
Hi, first time here! I was directed here via Google Reader Shared and just had to comment. First of all, Happy 3rd Blogiversary!
Secondly, I have wanted to shut down my blog about 10 times because of stupid things that were said to me and/or hurt my feelings on a completely fucked up level. (Oooh I hope I can cuss here cause I do it a ton!). It really makes me happy, even though I don’t know you, that you were able to remember all of the good and keep from deleting!
Also, I really know what it’s like to want to post something with names, dates, IPs and most of all, the true facts of a situation. I have several drafts calling people out and even though I will never publish them, because I hate blog drama, it felt good to write them!
Damn. This post makes me really glad I’m a shitty writer with three people who read my blog. That’s my round-about, shitty-writer way of saying I dig your blog and I’ll never hold you to an update schedule ’cause you’re, like, a human and stuff.
Good lord, you’re supposed to act like you “care about the internet”? I think that’s the most bizarre string of words I’ve ever read online. You’re a good person, Loralee, and I’m sorry the assholes have been coming out of the woodwork. I think you made the right choice in saying something. Good for you! Hugs.