Loralee’s Life Lesson #4: Don’t delete your blog over fugly Internet trolls. Especially on your third blogiversary.

I got an email from a “former” reader this evening. (They were very clear on the “former” part).

People stop reading me all the time and while it is never something that is fun to find out, I understand. There are eleventyhundred and one different things that could be the reason or motivation, so I really don’t get bent out of shape about it.

THIS email, however?

Pushed me over the edge.

I came “THIS” close to deleting my blog tonight.

Shutting it down.

Walking away from the Internet entirely.

My crap meter reached 11.  I couldn’t take one more bit of ugly fall out from the World Wide Web.

There has been a lot, and I mean a LOT of fugly directed my way from the Internet for a very, very long time that I have stayed pretty quiet about.  It helped to go to Blogher and to talk about my frustration with other seasoned bloggers who have been there.

It did help.

But then?

IT GOT SO MUCH EFFING WORSE.

I am human. I have made mistakes, made people mad, hurt feelings, etc.  I try my best to make it right when I can, apologize when I’m wrong and learn from it.  There are people in the world who hate me because, well…I’ve given them reason.  I understand that. But even those who have good reason to hate my guts are decent people and even they wouldn’t unleash some of the things said from people I don’t even know. (Well, most of them I don’t know.)

The sickest, most evil, perverse and hideous things you can imagine have been written about me, my family, my dead infant, my child I’m carrying…you cannot even wrap your head around the things my eyes have read. Over and over, things said privately and publicly.  And even though some of the things that I find so hurtful are past or deleted off the Internet,  MY ANGER IS NOT, and I have been finding it harder and harder to swallow how I feel.

There are some who have the attitude of, “Well, you DID put it out there on the Internet!”

So, me writing about my life online gives someone the right to tell me they hope my fetus dies and takes me with them?  REALLY??

Tonight I came to a breaking point about it all.

The email I received was the straw that broke my ability to keep quiet. It said that my blog has turned to shit in the last few months and that “you obviously don’t care anymore since you’re sooooo full of yourself and don’t ever even post anymore” and that if “I didn’t start to act like I cared about the Internet I would lose the last 2 people still bothering to read me.”

I wanted to scream to the heavens that “THERE ARE REASONS WHY I AM AN INTERNET RECLUSE LATELY BUT I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT ON MY BLOG BECAUSE YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FEED THE DAMN TROLLS! ARG!!!!”

I was so mad, I went on Twitter and LET LOOSE.  I DM’d people.  I emailed. I posted on Facebook. I cried and screamed and let out two years of frustration about how DONE I WAS WITH “RISING ABOVE IT AND IGNORING THE HIDEOUSNESS THAT I KEEP FACING OVER AND OVER!”.

Then I wrote out the longest, most detailed, accusatory post in existence full of names, email addresses, IP addresses, blog URL’s, quotes, details and some language that would make the most hardened sailor blush.

Then?

I decided it was all a losing battle.

That I will NEVER be free of crap on the Internet no matter what I do.

That I could never trust anyone on the Internet fully again.  That I have been so betrayed and hurt by some people who read my words it just wasn’t WORTH it any longer. The fact that I am the one that has to stay quiet and say NOTHING after these attacks just made it all so much worth.

So, I went to the blog suicide button and sat there really thinking that I was going to have a moment like I did with my Google Reader and just DELETE THIS BLOG AND BE DONE.

Then, I noticed the date.

12:03 am, November 10th.

My third blog anniversary.

The irony that I was about to cause the death of my blog on the anniversary of its birth was not lost on me.

I looked back at the delete key.

I couldn’t do it.

My mind started rushing with all these memories.  What my life and mental state was when I started this place. How far I have come in so many areas.  GOOD memories and my excitement and wonder about all things that was the Internet. My first comment.  My first fans.  My first friends.  Discovering the crack that is known as “Twitter”. The THOUSANDS of HAPPY, WONDERFUL moments that this place has brought into my life. In fact, it is not an exaggeration to say that in many ways, this blog literally saved my life.

I thought about the fact that even though there are multitudes of evil, hateful, cruel people out there?  There are so, so, so many more good things. People.  Posts. Feelings.  GOOD WILL.

I also know that I will not let evil, psychotic, hateful people ruin something I have worked so hard at. I will be damned if I let them win.

Maybe it is a mistake saying anything about it at all, that I shouldn’t let the trolls know that they almost won, that giving them anything is a huge failure on my part, but when it gets to the point of deleting your blog and letting them win the biggest prize of them all by silencing me completely or saying something?

I pick saying something.

Look, I know my blog has been crap lately.  I know that I am virtually non-existent in the internet world of participation compared to what I have been in the past. I have become a bit of a recluse because the internet has been pretty ugly. Especially lately. I know I have been a total slacker with appreciation for my readers lately but you all have to know that even if I don’t respond or acknowledge them, each positive email and comment I get means the world. They help more than you know, because you often don’t see what is going on behind the scenes. How your words help counter the fugly hate than can hit me.

I honestly don’t know what is going to happen from here or how much immediate “Change” there is going to be here. I’ve been through a lot. But just making the decision that there is still more good than bad about the Internet for me is a good thing.

A good way to celebrate three years of hard work and joy and tears.

I mainly have you all to thank for it.

You fabulous, wonderful, pink puffy heart people.

Thank you.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

I may not always have the ability to show it well, but I love you all to bits.

Except for the haters.

YOU?

Can fuck the hell off and never, ever come back.

P.S. A double thank you to everyone that talked to me tonight. I am really grateful.

P.P.S. Sorry to all non-swearing people and my mother for using the “F” word.  I really tried not to and I regret it so very, very much.

P.P.P.S.  Ok, not really.  It was the most accurate expression for what I feel and besides…it felt damn good to write.