Dear (husband, family member, friend, school employee, driver on the road, Twitter peep, bloggity friend, lurker, blogitty person I don’t really know well, random stranger and/or McDonald’s employee),
I am sorry about our encounter (today/tonight). As you may or may not know, I am pregnant and am suffering from a wee bit of hormonal fluctuation.
I apologize for (arguing, yelling, swearing, crying, sobbing, and/or blowing snot bubbles in your presence) and/or any other various forms of hormonal induced, hysterical behavior that you witnessed. (If you were partially to blame for the situation today, read subsection 1. If you were a totally innocent and bewildered party in the face of aforementioned hysteria, please skip ahead to subsection 2.)
1. While I firmly believe that you are partially responsible for our altercation because you (locked the nozzle of the gas pump and made me spray gas all over myself and my friend, chewed out my son for not participating in gym even though he told you he was having asthma trouble, told me my political beliefs were stupid, stood me up for lunch without calling, sent me a completely uncalled for email that was hostile with zero provocation from me, peed in the parking lot at the 7-11 right in front of me and proceeded to TOUCH EVERYTHING IN THE STORE, tail gated me and flipped me off, or broke the damn ice cream cone machine at McDonalds when it was I wanted in the world at 3 am) and when you engaged with me you were (unsupportive, argumentative, or just a general asshat and/or fuckwad). Even though I feel like I am justified in being upset with your behavior I do feel that you did not deserve to be (yelled at, cursed, flipped off, ripped a new hole in front of your peers, put under unreasonable pressure given your life stress, sobbed at, and/or kicked in the shin.) and I apologize for my over reaction. That said, you still owe me an apology and ( flowers, make up sex, a phone call, and/or an ice cream cone) as well.
(Ok, I suppose that the McDonald’s ice cream cone machine being broken was not the fault of the McDonald’s employee, but did she have to sound so freaking GLEEFUL about it? And I’m kidding about the kicking in the shin thing. Sort of.)
2. You are not to blame for any of it. Your (Words, actions) were completely reasonable and I blew it way out of proportion and massively over reacted and I am very sorry for it. You were subjected to the ranting and ravings of a crazy person. I’m a handful on calm days when I’m NOT pregnant. Add hormones and worry to the mix and man…
I am under tremendous amounts of stress due to medical issues, relationship stress, job change, worry over health of baby, school change, insurance issues, and as previously stated-hormones. I am not dealing with it very well at all. I’m just a big, soon-to-be-rotund MESS right now and I am sorry about that.
I feel so very scared and so out of control. It feels like one moment I was fine and then I blinked and everything changed. I am worried out of my mind and the way that I usually cope with my emotions doesn’t seem to work. It’s kind of like waking up one morning and trying to function in a world where everything is suddenly written in Chinese.
I’m doing the best I can but man…it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.
Please accept my apologies and ignore anything I may have said regarding your mother and her temperament and/or sexual history.
Loralee
P.S. I promise that I am not going to perpetually blog about my pregnancy nor my hormones. Pinky swear.
P.P.S. I want an ice cream cone.
P.P.P.S. It’s going to be a very long 9 months, isn’t it?
Filed under: 
Mmmm. McDonalds’ soft serve. Can I come? I’ll buy!
Headless Moms last blog post..Your Turn
The faster you accept the fact that every post for the next 9 months will say “Pregnant” somewhere in it, the happier you will be.
I’m trying to live vicariously through you over here; don’t let me down, baby. :)
Mr Ladys last blog post..It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses Their Edge
Don’t forget about the bitch at the 7-11. This is your excuse to go back and let her really have it.
Dougs last blog post..Saturday Night Live
and winter is starting—at least you wont have to be pg in the hot summer time
Doug,
OMG! JUDY!!
She actually worked at Tesoro, not 7-11 and I have an update. I say “WORKED” because she was fired. (And there was MUCH rejoicing. Yay!)
Did she get fired for being lazy, incompetent, insulting, disgusting or calling someone a nigger and saying they wanted to ram a pen through a customer’s eardrum?
NO.
She DID get fired for stealing from the company, though.
I’m just grateful she’s gone and I can go back there, now.
My first comment got eaten somehow (?). Anyway, don’t stress about it. Enjoy the pregnancy and the freedom it gives you to speak your mind.
Kittys last blog post..Fun with Science
I have had HUNDREDS of comments eaten this month. I have no idea what is going on. I get a wordpress approval notification and it says: Approval needed on “” and everything else is blank.
If you try again, it usually works.
I’m so damn frustrated but have no idea how to fix it.
Maybe you should also do damage control by considering a press release. My last press release, “Magic Leg Gets Chicks” seemed to go over well.
Just a thought.
I will commence with a pre-emptive scream in terror. I anticipate you’re probably still lethal at at least 400 yards.
Me.
fwooms last blog post..Geeking Out
I’m sorry.
I just wanted to put that out there.
For future reference OK?
Now give yourself a hug from me and then apologise for being so forward…
Kelleys last blog post..Bathing with a bloggers husband. Not likely.
you know…when we are in that crazy place we have to put our thoughts somewhere. i think you are lucky you can put them on your blog. you know how my blog works. i can’t say anything without my company having a fit. right now i am grieving, unfit, and just all around crazy. AND I CAN’T FREAKING BLOG ABOUT IT! so i write little snippets and then delete them.
and i was thinking about your post the other day about your husband not liking what you write about sometimes. i am in the same boat. my husband knows that i have to write. he understands that. he has actually encourages it. but he wants me to censor myself. sometimes censoring myself pretty much defeats the whole point of what i need to say.
anyway…just wanted to let you know i am thinking about you. AND if you ever want to chat when you are up in the middle of the night dealing with insomnia i am around. we might not be able to talk sense into each other, but hey…we can gripe together!
natalies last blog post..Writing
Brilliant! I need a similar version, “You see, I am just 29 years old and going through menopause…”
Rhis last blog post..You know what annoys me? Festival Edition!
Love the form letter! Maybe you should make it one of those with the little boxes and you could check things off before you hand it to them.
Sorry things are so rough at the moment.
Hang in there….I’m here if you need me.
Connies last blog post..Tracey Update
I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one whose comment got eaten. I could have swore I commented then couldn’t find it and I know you wouldn’t have taken it down but then I couldn’t even remember if I had actually commented or not. This puts my mind at ease.
Oh, and I’m not pregnant but I would still be very mad if I needed ice cream at it was unavailable at the moment. When I need ice cream, I need ice cream.
MacKenzies last blog post..The Health Portion of the Debate
I completely understand what you are going through. When I was pregnant of monkey Jose had to deal with me by himself since we were in MN.
I even cried because I wanted a certain baby bag and could not find it anywhere.
Luckily thing do get better. Sending happy thoughts to you.
marthas last blog post..Baking
The McD’s ice cream machines are OUT TO GET US! In Nashville I swear they are always broken. No milkshakes either. It’s one of the reasons life sucks some days.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Growing Pains
“Please accept my apologies and ignore anything I may have said regarding your mother and her temperament and/or sexual history.”
That is about the funniest thing I’ve ever read. You so rock (but I already knew that…).
falwyns last blog post..doing the (personal) impossible
Can I have a copy of that for my purse? I would just need to edit out the pregnancy part…and…oh. That would make me completely insane for no apparent reason. Never mind, I’m fine. : )
Camilles last blog post..Me and My Big Ideas.
I would let a pregnant woman get away with pretty much anything. Congratulations!
Geevzs last blog post..Eww
When I was pregnant with my third child, I was a crazy woman. (she is 33 now, maybe I have gotten over it) I refused to wash diapers by hand and insisted that the husband get a washing machine (and sat in a chair in the living room until he did); I served my family TV dinners the whole time; I looked at HIM with daggers of fire in my eyes every time he got near me (I did NOT want to be pregnant again, my baby was only 8 months old!!!) No wonder he is my EX-husband.
Karens last blog post..Project 365 Day 2
You’re completely forgiven. You were right about my mom anyway!
Is it in the McDonald’s handbook that they must gleefully announce the ice cream machine is broken? Why do they do that? It has happened to me a couple of times.
Laurins last blog post..So Stinkin’ Cute I Can’t Stand It – Baby Anteater
I think you pretty much covered everything, and I find it extremely wise and prepared that you wrote this letter at this point in your pregnancy. I mean, you’re going to need it over and over again, whether “something” had anything to do with being pregnant. I say, “milk it for all its worth, baby.”
Yes! I totally need to make a revised version of this more me to carry around in my purse to hand out as needed. Brilliant!
I’d go for smacking them in the forehead and saying, “Be nice to me. I deserve it,” but I guess your way works too.
Jims last blog post..Fine, I’ll do it
I’m so sorry honey. But I have to say that I laughed OUT LOUD when I read about the gas pump and the guy peeing in the parking lot. Ah, good times.
Rachel (Louisiana)s last blog post..Lighten up and buckle down
I would say that you could mimeograph copies of the letter but a) mimeograph machines are REALLY hard to find these days and b) the stuff from those machines will get you higher than a kite and that couldn’t possibly be good for the baby. So use a copier.
lceels last blog post..Tuesday Tale – Annie
Bwaahaahaahaahaahaa ;-)
This had me giggling like a damn fool. I’m sooo looking forward to the next 9 months with you.
SMOOOCH!
Rachels last blog post..Texican Hash: Mouthwatering Monday
Way to rock the preparation!! :-)
Pantss last blog post..Palin? Me? REALLY?
Hugs.
I <3 you!
Mrs. Fussypantss last blog post..Voting, Funnies & a Tease
Love it, love it, LOVE IT.
Angellas last blog post..Fresh Veggie Salsa
great…now I want an ice cream cone…and Im not even pregnant.
Oh crap. An ice cream cone would be SO GOOD right now.
Also, as this is my first pregnancy, I had NO IDEA how the hormones would make me so crazy. I was not expecting this, which I now realize was hilariously foolish of me.
I may have to borrow your form letter to hand out at random.
Well, you seemed relatively normal this morning :-) It was great meeting you.
Sending many pink thoughts your way, in spite of the crankiness.
((pink, pink, pink, pink, pink . . .))
Hollys last blog post.."What we do here affects the rest of the world. People follow."
LOVE the form letter idea. You could pass out little business cards with the letter on it. I think I’m going to do it!
“Please excuse my _________, I am a mom. Enough said!”
Erin Taylors last blog post..Time for another Tag….
As someone WAY old enough to be your mom… I want to put my arms around you, hum a nice lullaby in your ear, kiss your cheek, and tell you to just calm down, hon.
Sharons last blog post..One more Oop’s Picture…
Come one – its not like you always gonna have an excuse to be bitchy and crazy – enjoy it!
Don Mills Divas last blog post..Creamy, dairy-free salmon chowder
Someone had better have brought you an ice cream cone. Dammit.
Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..There’s a Little Something Stuck in My Wedge Issue
You are brilliant. And I need one of those. Only without the pregnancy excuse. Blast.
Mooses last blog post..Door Number Two, Please
Hey you, just read this. Congrats? Wow. Sorry I haven’t been in a while. I’m a grad student now. Yikes.
I’m sending you best wishes for a glorious pregnancy. Keep loving you. That’s the only game in town. ;-)
willies last blog post..Illustration Friday – strings
p.s. Can you send me a fairly high res photo of your belly button? It’s for an art project.
willies last blog post..Illustration Friday – strings
Man – I need a copy of this. May I have one pleeeeaaaaase?????
I’m pregnant with my second child. My husband’s friend Kevin (who I dated in 8th grade and was a room mate of ours when I was pregnant with my first child) and I got into a big fight the other day. He got really upset that I never want to spend any time at his house when my husband goes over, and he said that he thinks that if I don’t wanna like him anymore, he doesn’t want to like me anymore either.
I told him he could eff off and die before I would step foot into his pot smoke ridden apartment with my fetus and 3 year old daughter – I barely let my husband go there in the first place.
There was more to the conversation, I ended up screaming at him for 10 minutes straight, making him cry, and then kicking him out of my house.
I should probably apologize to him, but I don’t want to because he decided that it would be a good idea to verbally attack a pregnant woman in her own home in front of her child. Perhaps I will edit this form to an apology to a douche-bag who completely deserved what he got.
Whoa- I went off there. Sorry. *points at self* Pregnant!
Anyway, I love you and I love your blog. I’m sorry your husband is giving you a hard time. That’s really lame.
I just want to leave a copy of this in my husband’s underwear drawer.
Robin @ Party of Fives last blog post..Splat Goes The Frog
Oh my- This is a great idea!! I need one of these too, maybe it would keep me out of trouble…..
This is great! I need a PMS letter. I get like that once a month. :)