As most of you are aware, I live in Utah.
Utah is the land of many things: Jello, weddings, big families, food storage, skiing, Mormons, The Sundance Film Festival and crafts. Lots and lots of crafts.
I mentioned that Utah has some big families in it, right? Mine is no exception. I am the youngest of six children. We have a two computer management geniuses and a CPA amongst our bunch. Then there is the tole-painter and queen of all things ‘craft’ and the two opera singers.
(I am not the CPA, for that one person in the back corner who is actually wondering.)
Diverse little group, aren’t we?
My older sister is very craft savvy. She is an amazing painter, scrapbooker, embosser, maker of rag rugs and quilts and is pretty much the epitome of ‘Awesome Mormon Crafter”. She has dragged/cajoled/FORCED me to participate in more of these craft projects over the years than I care to remember.
One time period was exceptionally memorable.
There have been two times in my life where I wasn’t really sure I would survive what I was facing. When things were so horrible and blown to hell that I literally did not leave my bed except to pee.
Like, for months.
Once was after a breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry. I was so devastated and my life was broken so badly that I literally stayed in my bed for months.
My sister (who is like a mother to me) knew how bad it was and so she came out to visit for the summer. I’d be laying there in the dark crying day after endless day and chicka would be annoying as hell and BRING THE CRAFTS TO ME.
“COME ON, Loralee! Let’s emboss some Thank You cards!!!!!!!!”
And then she would break into some annoying as hell Pollyanna glad song like The BYU fight song. Have you ever heard the BYU fight song?
“Rise and shout! The cougars are out!”
It’s how my mother woke me up every damn day of my life.
And y’all wonder how I turned out this way.
I would mumble and tell her to go the hell away and that she could shove her embosser where the sun didn’t shine, but she would just sit and crochet, emboss, punch bits of paper, paint until I would halfheartedly sit up in bed and make some creation that looked like a seven-year-old slapped together while munching on some ’shrooms.
The crafts sucked, but somehow my sister knew that doing something, ANYTHING was better than laying in the fetal position until I wasted away to nothing. Somehow I pulled it together enough to go back to school and try to piece my life together the best I could.
I realize that this has far more to do with my relationship with my sister than crafts, but she did use them to reach me when I was in a REALLY shitty place and besides, wouldn’t you all rather have me work in this information into some fluffy post about crafts rather than read some really long, depressing post?
Thought so.
Back to my talented sister.
While I sucked at everything I touched, my sister is GREAT at it.
Even my opera singing twin sister is amazing at all that shit.
Traitor.
Me?
Um…I just sing.
I often say that I am anti-craft. Mainly that is because I am fairly tactile-challenged and therefore…bitter.
It is much better to turn your nose up at something and shun them than admit that you cried like a baby at church craft night because you were the only girl that went home with a mirror that had “I LIKE TO SIN !” etched on the glass because you screwed up with the etching solution and the “G” failed to imprint on the end of “Sing”.
It kinda went down hill from there, y’all.
I tried knitting and managed to make a scarf that was about 2 inches wide.
I tried crocheting with grand plans to make a snuggley blanket for my boyfriend and ended up with bags of yarn that I finally threw out three years into my marriage.
I tried scrapbooking a baby book for my son Matthew to make my sister happy and managed to create four pages. (In my defense, he died before I could do more, but really…I am just not a scrapbooker. Although, I COULD hang out in scrapbook stores forever oggling the paper and cool metal thingies and stamps n’ stuff.)
So, you could say that the average “Craft” project just isn’t for me.
I have turned to less…traditional craft projects over the years.
“The Remains of the Day lunchbox” (Go, Waiting for Guffman. I made it for a friend. Coolest gift, ever.)
“Wilbur’s Scarlett Letter collar” (Dude. My cat is totally slutty. It is completely fitting that she have a Scarlett Letter “A” collar.)
“The Best in Show sippee cup” (One of the best movies of all time)
“The 2005 holiday gingerbread bed of depression”
Remember that other time I couldn’t get out of bed that I mentioned? Yeah, this was it. The death of my son combined with devastating situations (both my fault and not my fault) brought me to my knees for a very long period of time. We went to my sister’s house to make gingerbread houses and try as I might, I could not assemble a gingerbread house. Somehow, this just…evolved and made everyone laugh. It actually made one night during all that hell enjoyable.
I am fond of my odd craft projects. They’re just fun think up and execute. I’m sure that I will continue to try “Traditional crafting” from time to time. For one thing, I am still related to my sisters and I am sure that at some point they will con me into SOMETHING down the road.
I am also sure that I will most likely bitch and moan about it every step of the way.
threeundertwo says:
I don’t know which I’d love to receive more - a Remains of the Day lunchbox, or a mirror that says “I Like to Sin!” ROFL.
The gingerbread is awesome. Much better than any of the fine items at http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
threeundertwos last blog post..NEVER VOLUNTEER! Part 1: Field Trips
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 am
califmom says:
Shit, I’m surprised they let you stay in the state. Good thing you can sing. I come from crafty people and was so paralyzed by their artistic abilities that I didn’t even attempt a craft until I was in college. I painted a wooden egg. Gave it to my mom for Xmas. Serves them right for being all talented like that. I have other skills, you know? Like making my post-babies stomach flab sing.
califmoms last blog post..PSA: Understanding and Teaching Students with Tourette’s, OCD, and Other Anxiety Disorders
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 am
Camille says:
That gingerbread bed of doom is my favourite.
And also–”Rise and shout the effing cougars are out…” That song ruined my life, too. It is for that reason, and that reason alone (the song, I mean) that i hope never to step another foot onto the BYU campus.
Camilles last blog post..Going House.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 am
Kemi says:
So, um, if I serenade you with the entire BYU fight song, you’re telling me you WON’T be appreciative of my efforts?
Huh.
NOW how am I going to impress you?
Kemis last blog post..Random Things Meme– Take 2!
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:41 am
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
LOVE best in show!!
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..100th post
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:45 am
The Over-Thinker says:
Wilbur’s collar is fantastic!!
May I please place an order for a silk-screened “One Day at a Time” denim vest? I have a thing for Schneider. Kaithanxbai!
The Over-Thinkers last blog post..Then Loralee swept me off my feet and we shared something sacred…
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:07 am
slynnro says:
I hate crafts generally. But these? Are crafts I can get behind.
slynnros last blog post..What My Trip to Target Hath Wrought
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:25 am
Connie says:
OMG! You kill me. Do you still have the mirror?
Connies last blog post..Dear Diary
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:38 am
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana says:
The mirror. OMG. The mirror. And quite honestly, I think the bed is genius. Just think of yourself as more of an ARTIST–they get more freedom with the final product then a CRAFTER does…
PS–I loved this!
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..Potluck postponed due to impending holiday
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 am
SparklieSunShine says:
I love all the things you made. I want to be really crafty, but I end up being less than mediocre at everything. Sigh.
Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to create something.
Hey! You can cook though! That’s crafty.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..It’s Not Like I Have A Fail Whale Tattoo Or Anything
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 am
A.C. says:
The gingerbread bed of depression? Best freakin’ craft, ever. I’m in awe of your craftiness.
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
HeatherPride says:
Oh, how many craft projects lay unfinished around my house??? I sadly only got halfway through my wedding scrapbook - things sort of went kerplunk right after the vows picture. And somewhere in the depths of a closet lies the makings of a really beautiful door wreath…..sigh….
HeatherPrides last blog post..Different Disciplines
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 am
jenboglass says:
I too, have been faced with a dreadful situation that I wasn’t sure I could pull myself out of. It was a craft class at Roberts with my mother. Most Utah mothers want their daughters to grow up and marry return missionaries. My mom wanted me to grow up and be crafty. It’s a pressure point here in Utah! I had a bad découpage experience early on, so i’ve never really looked back.
Also, I seriously heart Best in Show. I could watch that movie, eat soup and snow peas, and talk or not talk for hours!!!
jenboglasss last blog post..Because It Was Either That Or The Garage
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Ashley says:
The bed of depression? Probably the best thing. EVA. It’s craft, modern art edition.
Ashleys last blog post..Barely avoiding use of "Terrible Twos"
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 am
Janssen says:
I can’t stop giggling about that “I like to sin” mirror. Talk about a YW activity gone wrong.
Janssens last blog post..Putting Aside My Pride for One Brief Moment
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:04 am
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
The “craft talent” passed me by, making church activities in Utah awkward while growing up! I know where you’re coming from. But I like your projects, I think it’s better when something is unique as opposed to the same as everyone else’s!
And that damn BYU fight song… my in-laws sing that and I choose to not learn the words to it, just to spite them!
Jill - GlossyVeneers last blog post..Marathon Monday #12
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 am
ali says:
i love these.
seriously.
alis last blog post..loud and gaudy and silkscreen-y nostalgia
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:26 am
Robin @ Party of Five says:
Love this post.
The bed of depression made me smile a little..Having one of those days where I never want to get out of bed.
Robin @ Party of Fives last blog post..Update on My Dad
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Texan Mama says:
I like your craft projects! I think even Rosie O’Donnell would be proud.
And Jello? In Utah? never heard of that. I always associate Jello with Lutherans because we always bring it to a potluck, of course made in the appropriate color to match the liturgical church calendar season.
Have a great day!
Texan Mamas last blog post..A Letter To My Annoying Husband
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:37 am
loralee says:
Since I am great pals with loads of LOVELY Minnesota people, I have weirdly enough HAD the “Jello and religion” conversation with many of them.
Apparently, Lutherans and Mormons have a mutual love of jello and putting odd things like carrots in them.
Utah consumes more jello per capita than any other place in the world. When the Olympics were here they had a “Green Jello” pin.
Pretty damn funny.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Maya says:
First of all: your crafts are kick ass…
second: you have a twin sister? I would love some pointers- as I have twin fraternal daughters and I am so affraid of them being compared ot one another… did you like being a twin growing up? Did you feel like you were constantly being compared?
Mayas last blog post..Labor Day Weekend & Other Stuff
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:43 am
loralee says:
I tried emailing you, but I think that there is something off with how your email was entered in my email field.
So, I will just say this:
Um…I could totally write a book about being twin.
I’m not sure that mothers of twins would relish reading it, though.
It has been a difficult situation/life for both of us in totally different ways. My sister has some medical issues that make a lot of things that have happened over the years not her fault but when you are young you have a difficult time seeing that.
I never blog about her a lot because well…I have learned about blog boundaries the tough way and I do love her. Plus, she has a tough life and like I want to make it any harder.
I think that being a fraternal twin will help with the comparisons, though. Competition/comparision was a big issue with us but it was way more on her part. Hopefully, your girls will be fine; best friends that adore each other and don’t care about comparisions, etc. I was always someone who wanted to be more my own person, but she digs being a twin.
And that’s all I have to say about that publicly.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
anna says:
I love that you made the Remains of the Day lunchbox! “You know, the only other person who can sing, dance, and direct . . . is Barbara Streisand!”
annas last blog post..Labor Day Meme That I Copied off The Stiletto Mom who Copied off Some Other Chick–Now With PIX!!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
lceel says:
Loralee, you are so talented!! Crafts be damned. You, ma’am, are a WRITER with extraordinary gifts.
lceels last blog post..two thirds of one lap - drunk blogging sober
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Aunt Amy says:
When people ask me why I moved away from Utah, I tell them I was kicked out because I don’t scrapbook.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Emerald says:
Awww, forget the boring stuff, funky new crafts are where its at! Okay, so I do knit, and haven’t managed to get past scarves yet, but I’m all over decoupaged lunch boxes and stuff.
Emeralds last blog post..Look at Me Go! Photos Ahoy!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Csquaredplus3 says:
Love the mirror story. The slutty cat collar’s great too.
Sincerely,
The other not crafty person in Utah
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Rhi says:
I totally need to make Gelsey an ‘A’ collar. She’s always showing her stuff to our guests and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing!
Rhis last blog post..Countdown to 30
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG) says:
I rise up and embrace you and your non-crafty ways! I kind of figured that having children woul mean some magical craft powers would also pass through my loins, and my boys and I would pass blissful hours around the kichen table, creating papier mache sculptures and fantastic diaramas.
No such thing. Ever. I suck. I’ve also passed this trait onto the boys. Upstairs in my bedroom is a sandbucket, filled with cat litter. The cat litter is topped with a styrofoam plate cut to fit, and inserted in that are three plastic tulips meant to be cheap yard decorations. Oh, and on the outside? A foam face and googly eyes that are supposed to look like a penguin. Tt’s so awful, but we made it together, and I can’t get rid of it.
Yet.
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..the best laid plans…
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
tjk says:
llc
we had some friends move to utah recently and when they were stopped at the boarder checkpoint they asked if they had:
craft supplies and craft tools
a Bernina for sowing
A full size canning pressure cooker and jars.
she was told the women in utah by law had to have these items or they might be thought of as strange.
she was given a warning ticket and told she had thirty days to comply—or sell Amyway
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:11 pm
jonniker says:
I’m sorry, but that gingerbread bed is … oh my God. It’s hilarious. It’s HILARIOUS. I love it, and I love that you did that.
jonnikers last blog post..American Pie
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Sarah says:
That last craft is fucking brilliant. Just like you. Kisses.
Sarahs last blog post..Sexy Jesus and the Internet
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:32 pm
just beth says:
I HATE crafting. It may have something to do with the fact that I have absolutley ZERO talent in that area, but trying to make something cute makes me insane. Everything I’ve ever tried looks like a kindergartener did it, which was OK when I was, you know, six.
Hang in there, though, we…I… need you out here in Internet Land.
Sending my love…
xo
b.
just beths last blog post..About Just Beth, first post
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
little red says:
And you say you’re not clever?? Who else could come up with a scarlet letter collar for their cat?? Sure as heck not me.
PS I hate The Scarlett Letter. Worst. Book. Ever. Written.
little reds last blog post..FREAK!
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Doug says:
The cake reminds me of Anne of Green Gables, so kudos.
I’m not crafty at all, not like Erin, who can knit in her sleep. She’s sitting over there, using 118 needles to knit a sock more intricate than anything to ever come out of a Chinese factory, while I use two needles and sew it together in the end. Sigh.
Interesting tid-bit about The Scarlet Letter - when they were filming it in Nova Scotia, they tried to heat up a river because Demi found it too cold to swim it. No, I don’t care either, but it’s one of the few things I’m retained from my teenage years.
Dougs last blog post..Miscellany from a hammock
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Backpacking Dad says:
For my birthday next year I want you to make me a cake or something.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..It was an honour just to be nominated
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:58 am
mamatulip says:
This is, quite possibly, the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
Your Gingerbread Bed of Depression looks a lot like my Chocolate Disaster Cake. We should get together sometime and have a cake-off.
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:24 am
Jim says:
Odd crafts rule. I can’t go with you on “Best in Show” though. That tops my list of ‘movies to sleep to.’
Jims last blog post..Poor Souls
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
Sharon says:
I was raised in the time when ALL girls were expected to cook, bake, sew, knit, and crochet. It was a lot of pressure! Thank heavens I had an absolutely wonderful Home Ec teacher who taught me a LOT! My mom was too busy! (I had two younger brothers and one MUCH younger sister, I am 14 years older than her)
My great-grandmother took the time to teach me simple crochet. I am so thankful that she was able to do that.
I taught myself to knit, and did an entire sweater for my husband. A friend said, “What an unusual stitch!” I told her it was just knit one row, purl the next, etc. So she asked me to demonstrate…I was purling BACKWARDS! So it was what she called ‘twisted stitch’! But because I did the entire sweater like that, it looked fine. But when I learned to do it properly, it sure went a lot faster!
Sharons last blog post..Still Debating…
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
JoeInVegas says:
A gingerbread bed. Yes, that is unusual (but it looks pretty good)
JoeInVegass last blog post..Monday videos
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:35 am
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children says:
Oh how I loathe crafts. Well, that’s not true..I hate MAKING crafts. Unless! I was making an awesome cup or lunch box like those above.
I might be crafty after all.
I should say, I adore Etsy. It’s probably why I hate making crafts. Mine could never be that awesome.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..Tell me she’s not talking about her crotch again
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Chelle says:
“I love to sin .”
And I love you, chickitita.
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Michelle says:
I love to sin?! Oh my heck. I’m sitting here… in the INSTITUTE building, I admit, laughing out loud. Freak you’re funny. I haven’t seen you in what… 4 days or so since Millie closed… and this post has me missing you like crazy! And I feel your pain, man. Older crafty sister… and then me. Yup. No crafting ability in this body.
Michelles last blog post..American Idol
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Tootsie Farklepants says:
Best in Show!
I love you. Is that too forward?
Tootsie Farklepantss last blog post..The Not Often Seen Midday Post
September 4th, 2008 at 12:06 am
The Narcissist says:
Loralee, I’ve been out of the blog loop for a while, and I just read your last 10 entries. I forgot how in love with you I am. There really are no words. So I leave you with the fact that DOUCHEBAGGERY is now my new favorite word.
The Narcissists last blog post..The Stiletto Strut
September 4th, 2008 at 2:04 am
holli says:
I LOVED Best in Show!!! Come visit me and I’ll put you in arts and crafts bootcamp (in the most fun way possible, of course). That’s pretty much my answer for everything.. stress, educational gaps - stress.
hollis last blog post..right?
September 4th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Amber says:
BWHAHAHAHAHA. Love, love, love Wilbur’s scarlet letter collar. Seriously brilliant, my dear.
And I hate hate hate crafts. Don’t ask me how I am the offspring of the Martha Stewart of Calgary (seriously, she was renowned and owned her own shops).
And also don’t ask me how I am Google’s Top 10 for LDS Super Saturday Crafts. What the visitors quickly find out is a wrote a post about HOW THEY SUCK.
Ambers last blog post..Mental Health Day for this CRAZY Bloggin’ Canuck
September 4th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Kids Bible Crafts says:
Great little craft projects. I love the gingerbread bed. The slutty cat’s collar is also a hoot!
Kids Bible Craftss last blog post..Recycled Magnet Activity
September 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Sue says:
I hate crafts too. HATE THEM…and then silently resent the people that actually know how to do them. I do love YOUR craft projects though. They just rock hilariously.
Sues last blog post..I hate to admit this, but…
September 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Mr Lady says:
I like to SIN!!!
Me? DYING over here.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Denver DNC Recap: The Important Stuff Part Three
September 4th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I’m terrible, but I can’t help myself. I must say this…
I totally like to sin and would LOVE that etched mirror.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..How Can a Dull Wallflower Turn into a Farting GapMom with Friends?
September 4th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Casual Friday — September 4th, 2008 - Cornered Office - Work It, Mom! says:
[…] is my kind of crafter. (Don’t worry; I won’t tell […]
September 5th, 2008 at 6:26 am
maggie, dammit says:
“COME ON, Loralee! Let’s emboss some Thank You cards!!!!!!!!”
OMG that’s priceless.
maggie, dammits last blog post..Bats all up in my belfry: Twitter, the expanded edition
September 5th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Occidental Girl says:
Hi Loralee! I have been out of touch this summer with blog reading and writing, but I’ve missed you. Well, your blog, anyway, because I don’t know you.
I love your crafts. A million people knit, so what? You made a Remains of the Day lunchbox, and that. Is. Awesome.
Occidental Girls last blog post..If Stuart Smalley Goes Mainstream, it Might Look Like This
September 5th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Melly says:
That really is one sad looking gingerbread house.
Mellys last blog post..Why no posts?
September 5th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Shamelessly Sassy says:
I had no idea that Utah was the land of Jello. Learn something new every day..
September 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pm