I feel like a horrible mother today.

I know that people will probably tell me that I am being too hard on myself after they read this.

Logically?

I know that, I do.

The thing is?

Sometimes being a parent and all the emotions that come with it are anything BUT logical.

Especially when you are trying to be the parent of a child who has passed away.

A few days ago, a friend emailed me one of those “Quiz memes” that you fill out and forward. I usually hate forwards but honestly, I like quizzes like this. The answers are fun for me to read.

If you opened this, you have to do it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends:
Two names you go by:
1. Loralee
2. “Baby Girl” (The only nickname my husband has for me.)

Two things you’re wearing now:
1. Wife beater.
2. Pajama bottoms. (Yes. I am typing in bed. Sigh.)

Two things you would want [or have] in a relationship:
1. Friendship
2. Belief and pride in my abilities and accomplishments.

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Getting great, deep, dreamless sleep that doesn’t include feeling like shit when awakening
2. My two great passions: Musical theater and blogging and all things involved with it.

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. My kids to succeed and be happy.
2. To finally come to terms and acceptance about some things.

Two things you did yesterday:
1. Plucked my plentiful eyebrows
2. Met a great blogging friend for dinner and then had them see the musical I’m in.

Two things you’re doing tomorrow:
1. I am attending a lecture by the author of the book “A long way gone” at USU with my friend,
Michelle.
2. I have my second to last performance of Throughly Modern Millie.

Two favorite days
1. Christmas Eve
2. My birthday (the one day I still feel the magic of being a kid.)

Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke on tap
2. Diet Coke out of a can

Two people no longer alive that you’d like to talk to:
1. My grandpa Paul
2. My dear friend, Scott.

Do you see that last question? You should, I put it in bold and italics to emphasize importance.

Now, look at my answers.

Is it computing?

I DID NOT PUT MY SON.

My Matthew. My little bug that I have missed every single one of the 1,805.5 days since he died.

Wanna know something WORSE?

I DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING HIM ON THE LIST.

Not at all.

It didn’t even once cross my pathetically care-free mind.

I even read about three quizzes that were returned to me and still NOTHING.

It wasn’t until I got one back from a friend who said she wanted to talk to a relative that that died as a baby that I went, “OH my god.”

And then I dissolved into tears.

Tears that can only be brought about by the deepest pain. Tears that only come from a very few sources and causes in my life. Tears that I don’t cry very often because they rip my soul apart they have left it fragile and ugly from the endless seams that criss cross through it.

I would give anything I own to be able to talk to my son.

ANYTHING.

I’m so sorry, Little Bug.

So damn sorry.