I know that people will probably tell me that I am being too hard on myself after they read this.
Logically?
I know that, I do.
The thing is?
Sometimes being a parent and all the emotions that come with it are anything BUT logical.
Especially when you are trying to be the parent of a child who has passed away.
A few days ago, a friend emailed me one of those “Quiz memes” that you fill out and forward. I usually hate forwards but honestly, I like quizzes like this. The answers are fun for me to read.
If you opened this, you have to do it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends:
Two names you go by:
1. Loralee
2. “Baby Girl” (The only nickname my husband has for me.)Two things you’re wearing now:
1. Wife beater.
2. Pajama bottoms. (Yes. I am typing in bed. Sigh.)Two things you would want [or have] in a relationship:
1. Friendship
2. Belief and pride in my abilities and accomplishments.Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Getting great, deep, dreamless sleep that doesn’t include feeling like shit when awakening
2. My two great passions: Musical theater and blogging and all things involved with it.Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. My kids to succeed and be happy.
2. To finally come to terms and acceptance about some things.Two things you did yesterday:
1. Plucked my plentiful eyebrows
2. Met a great blogging friend for dinner and then had them see the musical I’m in.Two things you’re doing tomorrow:
1. I am attending a lecture by the author of the book “A long way gone” at USU with my friend,
Michelle.
2. I have my second to last performance of Throughly Modern Millie.Two favorite days
1. Christmas Eve
2. My birthday (the one day I still feel the magic of being a kid.)Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke on tap
2. Diet Coke out of a canTwo people no longer alive that you’d like to talk to:
1. My grandpa Paul
2. My dear friend, Scott.
Do you see that last question? You should, I put it in bold and italics to emphasize importance.
Now, look at my answers.
Is it computing?
I DID NOT PUT MY SON.
My Matthew. My little bug that I have missed every single one of the 1,805.5 days since he died.
Wanna know something WORSE?
I DIDN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING HIM ON THE LIST.
Not at all.
It didn’t even once cross my pathetically care-free mind.
I even read about three quizzes that were returned to me and still NOTHING.
It wasn’t until I got one back from a friend who said she wanted to talk to a relative that that died as a baby that I went, “OH my god.”
And then I dissolved into tears.
Tears that can only be brought about by the deepest pain. Tears that only come from a very few sources and causes in my life. Tears that I don’t cry very often because they rip my soul apart they have left it fragile and ugly from the endless seams that criss cross through it.
I would give anything I own to be able to talk to my son.
ANYTHING.
I’m so sorry, Little Bug.
So damn sorry.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
(hugs)
You’re an amazing mom. You know you are. I’m not going to pretend I have any insight into this because I totally don’t. I’m willing to bet though that your little bug didn’t cross your mind because you know that, of course, he is the #1 person you would want to talk to. You probably didn’t think of it because it was to obvious to even think of. You know what I mean?
I’m going to say what you said we would say, Don’t be so hard on yourself.
(extra hugs)
I love you Loralee.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Joe Biden? Really?
Oh LL~ I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through, but I can tell you that I don’t think you are a terrible mom. By any means.
You have my support and hugs and admiration because you are so honest and you did post this and share this. You will no doubt help and touch someone else with this.
rachels last blog post..The Otter and The Attitude
I can honestly see how you could feel that way. And my heart is breaking for you. But maybe it’s because you don’t associate him with talking. I mean, if the question was “Two people no longer alive that you’d like to see,” you would have put him first without hestitation. But since it said “talk to” you probably immediately thought of people you used to enjoy talking to before they passed away. The brain works in mysterious ways and I just think there was something very linear going on when you answered that question. Don’t know if that helps at all…
Jill (CDJ)s last blog post..You heart me, you really heart me!
You know, if I had gotten that from you I would never have noticed. First because it is the most obvious answer (like Sparklie said,) and because talking to the other people is talking, but to be with your Bug again is so.much.more. than just talking.
You’re a great mom and a great friend-Don’t you forget it!
Headless Moms last blog post..Open Letter to People with Pools
I am so new to your blog and only read about Matthew the other day. Just wanted to send virtual hugs.
Annies last blog post..My Daughter’s Preschool Teacher is Psychic
I can’t even imagine. I’m so, so sorry.
xo
b.
just beths last blog post..Fuck Off Friday!
I can see why you wouldn’t think to put him on the list and also why it would upset you that you hadn’t. It’s tough all the way around. BIG HUGS.
Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..August Greeblepix Winner!
I am wondering if you didn’t think about writing Matthew’s name because it’s easier to keep the pain inside then to bring it to the surface. I say that because that’s how I’ve dealt with losing my daughter in 2003. I don’t know if I would have written Wrigley’s name either even if I had thought about it. It’s too painful. Too many questions for people to ask, too much of my pain out there for people to see. Yes, I’d rather to talk to her than anyone else but write it? Not sure. I like to keep her in my heart just for me. I don’t know if this helps or even makes sense but just want you to know that another mother in the blogosphere knows what you’re feeling right now.
Robins last blog post..Mama’s Fun Weird
I don’t think it means all the horrible implications you are beating yourself up with. I think maybe it means that you are coming to terms with his death, you are beginning to accept it- which means it is not so close to the surface as it once was.
Just my 2 cents. I don’t think ANYONE doubts the love and conviction you have for all 3 of your children.
heather hales DESIGNSs last blog post..Eye Candy
I agree with Sparklie….it is obvious and doesn’t need stated that you would want to ’see or talk’ to him.
You are a great Mom and fabulous person….it breaks my heart that you are being so hard on yourself. Matthew wouldn’t want you to be.
It is sad to be all alone in the world….but you aren’t! Love you!
I have no advice because I’ve not been where you are, but I have plenty of virtual XOXO’s.
Marias last blog post..Gimmie Gimmie
I can’t say that I know how you feel or what you’re going through. Not even close. I don’t know if I can say anything that would help much other than you are not a bad mom or a bad person. ((BIG HUGS))
Rachaels last blog post..Saturday Share
You know, it’s ok for you to miss other people, too. Missing other people doesn’t mean you miss your son any less – just that your heart is able to love more than one person…not a bad trait at all, and a sign of a really great mom.
karens last blog post..No Longer On His Menu: Corn on Cob, Whole Apples, Candy Dots
Do you think it is maybe because, as a baby, you never really had any conversations with him? It doesn’t mean that you love him any less. Gosh I don’t really know what I want to say except that you are a normal mom. Your tragedy kinda pushes you into a different arena, but you are no worse than any other mom. We are all just struggling every day, trying to do the best we can. Glad to have you along for the ride, sister.
Texan Mamas last blog post..It’s Happening…
Yes, I agree with the other comments…he wasn’t ‘talking’ yet…and it is a constant, ever-present pain in your life to lose a child. I ‘talk’ to my son now and then…telling him I know he would have been a wonderful person and hope he knows the love I have for him…
Sharons last blog post..HOT, HOT, HOT!
It just means that you are healing from the suck of losing him.
glittersmamas last blog post..You Blog Like a Girl
I understand why you are upset about this but listen, you are NOT a bad mom. My first thought was of course you wouldn’t put him because losing him was so incredibly, inexplicably painful. It’s not that you wouldn’t want to talk to him. And also, it’s a quiz. A QUIZ.
Be kinder to yourself, please.
sizzles last blog post..I’m Putting the “E” in Meme
Yes, all of the above. Everyone who reads your blog knows how utterly broken hearted you are about your sweet boy. I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you that no one thinks anything less of you for what you typed in that email. So don’t go thinking less of yourself, ‘k?
Mucho love,
HP
HeatherPrides last blog post..Awards, Yo
Im sorry for putting you in that situation. Now Im the one feeling like shit, how dare I.
Maybe it’s because you do talk to him all the time. In your head, in your dreams, after a performance, out loud. He’s never far away from you enough to put him down on the list because he is in your heart and mind, and you actively acknowledge him with every breath you take.
I could be totally off base here but I hope you understand what I mean.
Sweet Pea, all of the above have said it way better than I ever could. Hang in there.
Email if you need a shoulder.
Or a beer. I’m good for that too.
carmens last blog post..Get Paid To Do What You Already Do!
Burying a child is the hardest thing a parent has to do – and it’s the one thing a parent ISN’T supposed to have to do.
We all know what a great Mom you are. And we all know how much you love your little Bug. But I’m willing to bet that were he able to tell you anything, he would want to tell you that he does not want to be a source of pain in your life. He would rather be a joy. And maybe you didn’t list him because he’s becoming one – a joy in your life. Just mabe.
lceel ‘Uncle Lou’s last blog post..Now I’ve done it
Okay, so I know you have been reading my ramblings about faith…
This week one of my hospital buddies died suddenly. She was in the same stage I am and now she’s gone. Frick! Emotions ran very high this week. I spent some time with my daughter’s ex ( you want to talk about bad mother award). He and I developed a friendship while Daughter was in Africa, and after some time healing from the break-up he has reached out to me and we visit frequently. I met him the day after my friend had died. He asked me what I was feeling aside from pure unadulterated panic….
Now, my own belief; religion or not is that when we die our energy, spirit, life-force continue. How can it not, since we already know that love is eternal? With that in mind, there will be time to talk to connect on such an intimate level when you see your wee Bug and I see my wee Doug, that I don’t think we can comprehend with our limited brains. In the book I bought last week for my own collection by Warren Hanson, “The Next Place That I Go” he writes:”I will cherish all the friendships I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
All these good things will go with me. They will make my spirit glow.
And that light will shine forever…in the next place that I go.”
All the love….will be with you, including your Bug’s, and time will never be an issue again…talk, teach, love, learn, laugh ~ you will have it forever.
So a horrible mother? No, just a woman who knows that someday she will share in Love for forever……
But for the record, just know my heart is with you. I understand and I wish you nothing but peace in your heart….right now, and always!
4s last blog post..Who I Am—Part Quatre
I wasn’t going to comment because I didn’t think any words from anyone would keep you from beating yourself up. Then I thought I’d try because you deserve to ease up.
We aren’t meant to lie at the abyss of grief forever Loralee. It is ok and normal to not have it at the forefront of every waking moment and thought forever. Your mind is doing what it has to do for you to be healthy for you now and for your babies now. And your Bug knows how very much you love him.
I’m sorry for your pain. But try not to beat yourself up about this. You are not a bad mother.
P.S. I know this might not be the right time, but I’m eating that Ben & Jerry’s Berried Treasure based on your recommendation, and it’s awesome. So thank you.
Sras last blog post..Tasty Phonology
Sweetie, I can only imagine that it is called coping. I am shedding tears for both of you because it hurts even from this distance.
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..It rained
Oh, sweet friend. It’s okay. Matthew is with you and talking to you all day long. It’s just that sometimes it’s a bad phone connection.
I cannot imagine what it is to lose a child. I cannot begin to say “I understand”. But I do know death. And I do know parenting.
And what I know, is that you are an amazing mother and you are doing everything you can to e the best. And, my sweet friend, it is enough. It is perfect.
Sending you love and light.
Liannes last blog post..The way I bug my neighbors #1
Many hugs! I am absolutely certain that your precious little baby is looking down on you with love and smiles, and I am certain he doesn’t feel forgotten. I think our loved-ones-gone-before have their hearts filled when they see us living life out of peace and happiness and not grief. Of course you would want to talk to him. But he already knows that and how secure his place is in your heart!
I can understand why you would forget. He was so young and didn’t speak.
Bridges last blog post..Graph Jam, I LOVE YOU!
Oh Sweetie, (sigh). Speaking as a mother who lost a son to a terrible disease at the tender age of 7 months, I can understand where you were coming from with this. It has been 2 years since my son died and I carry so much guilt if a day passes and I do not think of him every minute of everyday. I hate myself for not visiting his grave as much as I believe I should. But, I also have learned that life moves on, even though you do not want it to.
Amys last blog post..VEEP and My 20 Homes
Awww…sweetie.
The “no longer” in the question makes one thing that it was someone you MISS talking to. You didn’t get that with Matthew. Your brain didn’t go there.
Cut yourself some slack, sistah.
*mwah*
Christines last blog post..Now that Obama has named Biden as his running mate, I think Bruno just might have a shot.
Oh honey. No wonder you didn’t think of it! Your mind doesn’t want to bring up all that pain, so it shuts it out. Very normal human brain stuff. It has nothing to do with you as a person or as a mother. You’re divine. And Little Bug knows it.
Melains last blog post..It’s Good To Be A Grown-Up
I know. We want to hold them and have them in our lives, but we’ve gotten so used to coping that it doesn’t occur to us that we might be able to have them with us again – it’s so painful (of which my recent dark mood is evidence). But not thinking of them, rather than someone we’ve actually had a verbal conversation with, does not make a horrible mother.
My heart goes out to you… And thank you for your supportive comment when I needed it. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it would all be better soon.
honey, like everyone else has said, we know matthew is always on your mind and in your heart and we know you’d love to have him for any amount of time to do anything with. you probably talk to him all the time (if you’re anything like me) and you didn’t think to put him on that list b/c of that reason. we all love you, and i’m sure matthew knows you still love him and would want to talk to him, regardless of some little inconsequencial quiz.
In your defense: Bug was a baby, thus unable to talk. Also, that you can do one of those quiz things and NOT break down into tears thinking about him? Is perfectly healthy, and I think it is a good sign of where you are in life and that you have really dealt with all of those things that are in the past. That is a GOOD thing. If that makes sense. Sorry. Not fully awake yet.
Charlis last blog post..Aprons
My guess? One: He wasn’t talking when you lost him. Two: He still lives in you. You’re fine, baby.
Be gentle on yourself, you are a beautiful person.
Sending you hugs.
Kims last blog post..Holy Shit!
Something like that just so goes without saying, and is so far above something in a quiz meme (not that the other two people you list are somehow more quiz meme worthy- I think you know what I’m saying).
My first thought was that you talk to him all of the time anyway.
Love you Loralee.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Clearly I’m Not Destined to be a Famous Marine Biologist
See the thing that ran through MY head was that you likely have conversations with him all the time anyway.
BUT..I can see how this is a painful thing for you to comprehend.
((HUGS))
Just have to second or twentieth what everyone else has said: your love for Matthew and your other two boys is so obvious and deep that noone who can be logical about it (that is, everyone but you–as it should be) could ever doubt it.
There is a hell that a mother who loses a child goes through. I can’t even begin to understand. I was there the day a good friend of mine lost her 4 mo. old son to SIDS, for no good reason. I remember her pain. I remember comforting her while she screamed. As much as I could, I held that sharp pain for her. But I haven’t felt it.
That said, L, honestly. You are being too hard on yourself. It seems obvious to me why you didn’t put your little guy on the list. Because missing him is such a reality, that it has become part of who you are. You miss him, and don’t stop missing him. I would be willing to bet you don’t miss grandpa and your friend Scott, all the time. And so, your mind went to them, because you were missing them, not because your little guy wasn’t important, but because he was SO important you put him in another category altogether.
It makes sense. You didn’t dishonor his memory, honey. You are not a horrible mother, that voice is lying to you.
Find peace, sweet friend. Find peace.
T.
Oh my God. I can’t delete my prior comment. I am such an idiot. I didn’t know, when I said that my friend lost her son to SIDS that you lost your precious Matthew the same way. I just. didn’t. know. I knew you lost him, but not how. So I read the archives, and I hope you can forgive me for dredging it up or seeming cavalier. That wasn’t my intention. And now, before more damage is done, I need to go to bed.
::slinking off into the shadows:::
“We are sorry, so sorry, preciousssss! We are bad! Bad!”
Thank you to everyone. Someone that I admire recently wrote that she doesn’t write about sacred, intimate moments of her life because she wants the internet to solve her problems. She isn’t really looking for advice because she usually knows what the answer to it all will be. (This is NOT a slam. Trust me.)
BUT.
She is so damn glad that people pipe up anyway and that they are there to listen because she needs to share her stories.
I feel that way often about my posts regarding Matthew. Like here? My brain KNOWS all the reasons why it didn’t cross my mind. Truly. I get it.
BUT.
It didn’t stop my heart from having a pretty agonizing few hours, there. That is the tricky thing with grief…you can be find and WHAM! BAM! SLAM! It can thrust you back into the depths of Hades in the blink of an eye.
Logic isn’t terribly comforting in those moments.
I needed to write it out. I needed to share that moment and I am so damn glad you were all here to…listen.
It helps.
More than you know.
—-
@Send chocolate
You are absolutely FINE.
Truly.
The original comment was fine, really. I never, ever mind people saying things to comfort me when that is there intent.
It takes a considerable amount of bravery to say ANYTHING to someone in my situation. I know this because I have been on the other side of it and even I, who have BEEN THROUGH IT, have NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY a good deal of the time.
I haven’t been where you are, I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. But just from what I’ve read here, it’s clear that he is always on your mind and always in your heart. No one would ever doubt that, so don’t doubt yourself.
Take care, my heart does go out to you.
Oh honey, I’m sorry.
I know you know you’re not a bad mom. But holy f*ck to I get the guilt and the pain and the wanting to take it back.
I’m sorry. ((HUGS))
Miss Britts last blog post..Why Do I Blog About My Marriage?
i’ve only been a reader for, like, 2 weeks? and even i can see the all-encompassing love you have for him.
*internet hugs*
Alices last blog post..weekend: FAIL edition
I’m so sorry.
From a complete stranger, but from one not at all a stranger to your pain;
I know. I understand.
and I offer my hugs.
*hugs you tightly*
Oh Loralee. I just love ya so much. You are a great mom, and no one knows it more than all of your children.
Hugs and kisses.
heather…s last blog post..Karaoke Kween
I can’t say anything better or more than all of the commenters above me. You ARE a great mom and you do not love Matthew any less because of some dumb, for fun quiz. One has nothing to do with the other. Not only does everyone reading your blog know that, Matthew knows that too. And in your heart, you know that as well.
Hang in there and lots and lots of hugs.
Chriss last blog post..Intellect, Where Have You Gone?
Probably because your son is alive in your heart and your mind doesn’t process that he is not alive, as the question suggests. This HARDLY compares, but when I say “my dog” it sounds as if she is still alive, but really she is passed, but since I had her so long (14 years) it just hasn’t come to the front of my mind to indicate that she is no longer here.
Sugees last blog post..A Day in L.A.
Just wanted to chime in here with everyone else to say that you are not at all a bad mother.
I cannot begin to imagine what you’ve been through, so I won’t be arrogant enough to try to sympathize, but my heart did bleed for you when I read this post.
Thanks for your openness, I love your blog!
Damn. That one went to 11.
But you know, I can see it, It’s almost like a trick question – like one of those brain teasers where you keep saying orange and they ask what vegetable grows in the ground and you say orange instead of carrot.
If you need me, I’ll be over here trying to lick my elbow.