I live in marriage central.
Weddings are BIG BUSINESS in Utah.
I’ve been married twice (twice is more than enough. Trust me.).
I’ve been married a total of 12.5 years.
9.8 years of them have been with my husband, Jonathan.
I’m 33-years-old.
The average marriage age here is much younger than the national average. I attribute this to the majority of this society considering out-of-wedlock co-mingling of hoo-hoos and peepers to be a metaphorical stoning offense.
Heck, there are still a few doe-eyed young couples here whose first kiss is on their wedding day.
I married way too young. I was a 20-year-old idiot who was far too immature, indecisive and YOUNG to handle something as complicated as a marriage. I am not surprised it failed;there were too many factors that went against it. Besides the mismatch of the two of us, I had very little relationship experience that was positive. I didn’t have enough life experience*.
*I really kind of wish I had been all sorts of trampy in my younger years and gotten it out of my system. I have this feeling that I should have just nailed anything that would have screwed my Shamu-sized self back then and just been a slutty ho of a teenage girl.
(I wasn’t, despite WHAT everyone thought.)
I mainly spent my teenage time with my best friend doing lame photo-shoots in her basement. I did occasionally sneak out with my high school boyfriend and let him feel my boobs but that was about it.
It’s easier to forgive the sowing of wild oats than when you are a wild teenager than when you hit your 30′s and 40′s and freak-out with a mid-life crisis.
I kind of regret not doing it.
Of course, I was such a SERIOUS, MELANCHOLY thing as a youth. I was a THEATER PERSON! I wore BLACK! And CRYSTALS! Which were held by a DRAGON’S CLAW around my neck! I was never without my COMPLETE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE!
So, the whole “Girl’s Gone Wild Thing” may not have exactly jived with my high school personality. Although, I suppose I could have just glued a wooden sign on my locker that had “Ye Olde Whorehouse” burned into the wood or something.
Where was I?
Oh, yes…weddings.
No offense to anyone who has married here in my home state or the predominant religion (Mormonism), but Utah weddings have some very deep cliches associated with them.
Like having bridesmaids and flower girls when, um, there is no use for them in a Mormon ceremony. Or having the same-old, same-old food like a nut cup, mint with the local temple printed on it, dollar sandwich served with the pre-requisite non-toxic slush punch and mini-eclair on the side. Or having the wedding in the local ward house gym with balloons or streamers put up in an attempt to hide the basketball hoop. And let’s not forget the blown glass temple wedding cake toppers and tiny scrolls by the wedding book that have the “This day I marry my best friend” poem on it.
It’s all too precious for words.
There is also no dancing at Mormon receptions. Not because it is outlawed, it just isn’t done. Which is a good thing because dude…most people in my state cannot dance and end up looking like complete asses when they attempt to do so. (Ehem. They also apparently cannot spell “BLATANT” for the life of them.)
Now watch, I am going to piss off someone who had their reception in a church gym or served mini-eclairs and non-toxic slushy punch at their wedding. Or that loved their wedding poem tied up with curling ribbon, coordinating bridesmaid dresses and the like. I’m not a hater;I had almost all these things between both of my weddings, so there.
And I would do it differently if I could go back.
Now that I think about it…maybe my big problem isn’t so much about the weddings as it is about the marriages.
I love that my first marriage gave me my son but I was in no way prepared for that level of “BIG”.
My second wedding was pretty chill.
While I don’t know if I was any better prepared, I had a good wedding. I knew that I had a better chance of making it work with Jon than I probably deserved. He is a good balance for me and I love him. I had a great wedding dress (Made by one of the best seamstresses on the PLANET. Go buy an apron. You know you want to.). My buffet had good food and people had a good time. I had a bag piper and it was fabulous. It WAS in a ward house gym, but I could have cared less. I wanted to elope, but Jonathan had never been married and wanted a reception. I was glad to give that to him. He’s a sweetheart and man…Have we been through a lot.
To hell and back, really.
Over all? I am not sure if I am good at being married. I try my best (and often not even close to my best) but I often wonder if I am just too damaged.
Too full of baggage.
Too full of bad memories and disappointments.
Just too…TOO.
I have a lot of regrets. I have hurt and crushed people. I have been hurt, crushed.
Sometimes I feel so broken and bitter I don’t know if I will ever be whole again.
Normal.
Fixed.
I know that people that love me would give a lot for that to happen; I just don’t know if it ever will.
Now that I think about it, maybe my big problem isn’t so much about the weddings or the marriages as it is…
ME.
See Mr Lady nod understandingly. Nod, Mr Lady, nod.
Mr Ladys last blog post..I’m Still Not Exactly Sure Where I Was Going With This
Over here in Portland- the Mormom weddings are way over the top- no weird, frothy punch or curly ribbon here and a good DJ is a common find at good receptions. The trend is very shi shi. I just don’t get the families spending thousands to transform the meeting house gym- I would spend the money on a venue that doesn’t need transforming! (our b-ball hoops fold up and out of the way though, so you can’t see em anyway).
I am also not the best at marriage- luckily, hubs loves me anyway and we cut each other A LOT of slack- which helps. I did spend some time sowing wild oats and the truth is, I could have lived without it- I did a lot of regretful things out drinking with friends and wanting the attention of some guy in order to boost my self- esteem… ick- I need a shower just thinking about it. Trust me- you did not miss anything.
Margies last blog post..Growing up too fast
You can’t let your past define your future. If we did then folks like me and you wouldn’t have a chance.
Kiles last blog post..I blame Michael Phelps
Honey, I had a ‘past’ when I got married at 28 and it doesn’t make any difference. When you are with a great man, when you work together to make your family, life and marriage work-it’s all worth whatever we’ve been through (or sometimes not been through).
Marriage is hard but I’m convinced that the alternative is even harder.
Headless Moms last blog post..WOMM- Hair, Week 2
I have never been the typical “utah” mormon. I’ve had my fair share of rebel days. I got married at 25. And didn’t have my first child until I was 30. But I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I’m glad I waited until I was older. I was able to get all rebellion out of the way. Plus we were able to go on some fab vacations together.
I may have gotten married in the temple (surprise to some) but my reception was outside, with cheesecake (mmm), and a firetruck came because one of my guest got heat stroke. And anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE FIRETRUCKS (and firemen). I did have bridesmaids but I mostly like them for the pictures.
Just Mes last blog post..Finally
Well I was married at the ripe ol’ age of 17. I got married because I wanted to get the hell out of my town and I did love my hubby. We had just had our daughter and my mother wouldn’t let us get married before she was born so I had this huge stamp on my forehead that said “I don’t know who my baby daddy is” or something to that effect. I never really thought of being a wild and crazy girl…but that just isn’t me.
BTW…no big wedding, just one in a courthouse in which we had to walk thru the metal detector and have the judge talk so quickly I honestly thought he was speaking in a different language. So for all I know he said “Love, honor and screw everyone that winks at you with his right eye” And Chinese buffet afterwards…woot.
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..This Monday sucks
I was married twice before I was 30. I was slutty slutterpants when I was 32 and it was great fun. Ever shown your boobies on the jumbo tron at a Rockies Game? I have!
Then I met ‘him’ and everything is better now. I didn’t really know myself until I was your age.
I googled ‘dancing & mormons’ and I found a bunch of funny you tube videos of Missionaries Dancing. LOL!
You’re very honest and real. I didn’t read all of the comments, but I share Backpacking Dad’s opinion.
You’re doing great, you Theater Person you! ;)
-Chris
Csquaredplus3s last blog post..Practical shoes
Wow, that was quite the post. I’m not even sure what to say. But I think you’re way too hard on yourself. I can say this because I’m way too hard on myself too. Hugs.
Rachel (Louisiana)s last blog post..The eleventy-hundredth blog about gymnastics…
That was an amazing post. I think you’re being hard on yourself though. :(
I got married early. I think I was [am] ready, but he was an asshole. *LOL*
Marias last blog post..My Anger Stems from Pain.
you forgot to mention that dreaded Line! twice i had to stand in that stupid line for hours while my cousins missed their own receptions in order to shake everyone single person’s hand! hours!! when my non-utah utah wedding came around i banished The Line!
First off, love this post: your writing style, your honesty, your story-telling. I hail from a small, fundamentalist town in Oregon and the wedding aesthetic inspiration is similar. Also, during first pregnancy, the mom-to-be either hacks or perms her hair. Know anything ’bout that?
Anyhow, just have to say that though I was a goody-goody on the surface (no parties ever, honor roll, newspaper, yearbook, student council, track & field) I slept with my h.s. boyfriend, and in a variety of wild places, and a least 10 others after that before getting married at age 27, and my regrets are not being brave enough to be a drama geek, or to get married young. Also, since the sex was classic people-pleasing, it left me sad much of the time and set up crappy expectations that still hack at my marriage of 8 years. So I feel with you the sense of dismay at how the pieces of life fit together. Sometimes it is just hard and some days “making lemonade” doesn’t make it better or more bearable. However, that said, I do hope an easier time comes for you, soon.
I didn’t get to be slutty until I was between marriages. I made up for the wait.
witchypoos last blog post..Rolling with the Rellies