Back-to-school.
You wouldn’t think that three little words would get a greater negative response from me than the time the doctor in the ER told my awkward 16-year-old self in front of my high school boyfriend that I had to have my “Sphincter reflex” tested after I was thrown from a horse, now would you?
You would be wrong.
I would rather be back in that ER with people probing my mortified and battered heiny for all the world to see than experience the hell that is “back-to-school”.
Granted, this year has been much more difficult than previous Augusts in my children’s education process. There are many reasons for this, but today I am only going to write about one of them. It’s something that I have been hesitant to write about here because, well…the more people that read this blog, the more protective I am of my children.
I can write about my hoo-hoo and mental state and subject it to the whim of the beast that is the internet all day long.
My kids are another story. I’m much more protective and selective when it comes to them.
However, this is a key moment in our lives and while this blog is often very (ehem) silly, I hope that sometimes my writing and experiences help someone out there feel a little less alone if they are going through the same things I am. For example, I know that a lot of you must have taken a lot of comfort knowing that you are not alone in your opinion of morning sex. (For the record? “It burns us.”)
Our oldest son starts middle school next week at a brand new school. A school that doesn’t have a strict dress code. A school is almost as large as my high school was and is certainly larger than the 40 kids that made up his entire GRADE at the charter school.
I thought that my kids would stay at their charter school all the way up through high school. It isn’t working for James. He has always struggled in the structured setting and with the advanced curriculum. It’s not that he isn’t smart, he is. It’s just that he struggles with academia in general.
He needs bigger programs. Programs that fit his personality. Theater, art, debate. That is where he will excel. Besides, I realized how lonely it’s been for him at that school. He has very few friends.
I want him to have a lot of people to find friendships with and when you are a very unusual kid, that is tough when the pickings are so slim. His personality is very like mine, damn all the Gods above.
So? We are allowing him to transfer to the local middle school.
He will be starting 6th grade.
For the second year in a row.
Do you know the mounds and mounds of paper work and number of meetings and hoops you have to jump through that comes with transferring your kid into middle school and holding him back a grade to boot?
A whole freaking buttload would be the somewhat ungracious answer to that little question.
I know that holding a kid back is a big deal and not something to be taken lightly. I skipped the third grade. (This is NOT the grade to skip. Just in case you were wondering.) Yes, I was reading at a phenomenally high level in the 2nd grade, but I had average math skills. Going into the 4th grade not knowing how to read the alphabet on the wall or knowing all your times tables created big issues for me that continued for years.
In college, when I was really struggling in Music Theory, I went through about 8 hours of testing. When I went back for the results and gave my name the young secretary said, “Oooooooh…Um…We’re going to have to pull in some more people for this meeting…Um….Can you wait in the conference room?”
I sat there, chewing nervously on my fingernails, thinking “OH, MY GOD. They are going to tell me that I have been mentally retarded my whole life and they are JUST FIGURING IT OUT!”
Turns out that I am not retarded. Although, the official statement wasn’t much more encouraging. Apparently, I am either “off the charts brilliant or dumb as a post”, but not to worry because the areas that I struggled in were probably due to “the gaping holes” in my education.
EXACT words, people.
So, to say that I am wary of moving kids a grade would be an understatement. I struggled a lot academically in areas like math and grammar from then on. (Like you couldn’t tell this from reading this blog, right?)
We won’t even get into the social stigma I went through, like getting mercilessly mocked for the rest of the year by Geoff in row 4 for not understanding the advanced 4th grade slam lingo of, “You cut the cheese, didncha?!”
James was born FOUR DAYS from the cut off to start school. I decided, despite apprehension, to start him in school. He didn’t go to preschool because we were too poor and I was worried about his social ability. I have always regretted starting him when I did. What did I know? I was barely 26 years years old and it was my first kid. I knew halfway through Kindergarten I had made a big mistake, but everyone involved was very reluctant to let me hold him back and repeat Kindergarten. Every year I have discussed and voiced my opinion and every year I was vetoed. And every year I regretted it.
James has wanted to change schools for a long time and now that we have moved into a different district, and after a lot of thinking, we decided he could.
BUT.
He had to repeat the 6th grade. I know he is smart, that has never been a question, but socially and responsibility wise he struggles and it hurts his grades. He fails (FAILS! In elementary school!) something every term. If we concentrate extra hard on math, his science slips. When science is in hand, it’s his history that is sucking a duck, etc., etc., etc. For once I want him to know academic success instead of always coming up short. To feel confident about his classwork and to get a chance to find other kids that suit his temperament.
The school structure had a lot to do with the decision to hold him back as well. They attend from 6th grade until 8th grade. When you are a little 6th grader, they really mother-hen you. You are guided closely, watched over and are housed in your own 6th grade wing. Once you are in the 7th grade? They figure you know what you’re doing and you’re pretty much thrown to the wolves.
There was no way I was going to throw my fairly sheltered kid into the middle of a huge middle school when most kids there had a full year to make friends, cliques and judgments.
So? I agreed to let him try this school out as long as he did it as a 6th grader.
He readily agreed. (As did all administration involved.)
I hope I am doing the right thing. Deleting my Google reader was a tiny little pinprick in regards to this sphincter check of a decision.
I am scared as hell that I am making the wrong choice for my child.
And yet, I feel instinctively that I am doing the right thing.
I guess time will tell.
Now I just have to wade through the mountains of back-to-school shopping I have yet to finish.
Dammit.
For what it’s worth, I think you are doing the right thing as well. Following your mothering instincts is crucial but sometimes the hardest thing in the world to actually follow through with. Good for you, sister. I hope he thrives!
Kimberlys last blog post..Non-Structurally Challenged
I know I’m just 1 of over 50 comments, and that you don’t know me, but just adding to the already long list of supporters here. Good for you (and good for him) for going with your gut and really trying to parent the child you’re given – not somebody else’s idea of that child. That’s what I’m learning every day of this parenthood journey: to listen and watch very carefully, so you can learn who your child is, and in turn, love him/her how s/he needs to be loved.
sus @ wiggleroomss last blog post..First Day of School, Again.
i’m not a parent, so i can’t say from experience what will work… but i can say from vivid memories of being IN school that the confidence and happiness that comes from succeeding acadmically is something you really, really can’t get from any other source. so anything you do to let your kid have that success = a good thing, i’m thinking.
Alices last blog post..food for thought
I really do appreciate you sharing these thoughts & experiences–it helps me as a parent. My oldest is only four but I think we will be struggling with the kindergarten decision next year because while he leads a year or two verbally/cognitively, physically & emotionally he lags the same couple years. AND he is super shy in new situations, to the point that he freezes up. Having not officially skipped a grade, but having been put in with the kids a grade ahead for most of my classwork for most of my 1-12 schooling, I know well the discomfort and even agony of lagging behind socially plus being a klutz in PE and I hope to protect him from that. But my husband is optimistic to a fault (and has never been a klutz) so he think I am crazy to even consider making him wait.
I’m sure you’re making the right decision. I strongly doubt that giving him an extra year will hurt him and you know your son. I think having an extra year and skipping a year are so different and you can’t let the negative experience you had make you worry about your son. My mom FORCED the school to let my brother repeat a year when he was going from kindergarten to first grade. It was all about the social skills and it paid off more than you could know.
BOTBs last blog post..SMILF: August 19, 2003
From a middle teacher’s perspective, it sounds like you are absolutely making the right decision on all levels. Academically and socially, middle school is rough. I’m still having kids come to my class in the wrong hour etc. Going to sixth grade puts him on a level playing field with everyone else. And especially with his birthday being when it is, no one will know it’s his second time around unless he tells them. Great Job!
Geevzs last blog post..Interesting
You sound like a great mom, you’ve given this a lot of thought and I’m sure you’re making the right decision. It’s a brave one. Both of my boys have June birthdays and we didn’t start them in kindergarten til they were 6. Oh the comments we got, especially from family members who thought we were (are) nuts. But it’s working well for the boys, so far.
Even so, 6th grade last year was tough, and we’re gearing up for 7th grade to be even tougher. I can’t imagine how hard it would be if we hadn’t held him back.
I was chosen to skip a grade in just math too, in 3rd grade. I have struggled with math ever since. High school was literally about finding someone to let me copy their work, I had tutors and extra help, just never got it. Still don’t.
Trust yourself on this one. I’m sure he’s going to have a great year, and hopefully the paperwork mountain will be finished very soon.
Sheris last blog post..Back to school
As a mother you just have to go with your gut. You know your child the best and you know what’s best for you child.
Just Mes last blog post..Finally
I love this post because what shines through is just how much you love your kids. My sister should have been held back a grade, but it’s policy here not to fail students (until 9th grade, anyway) and my mother didn’t have the guts. So she quit school in grade 10 and is now a carny. I’m not saying that will happen to your kids, but it’s an extreme example of what happens to kids who are forced through schooling that doesn’t work for them. Best of luck, and keep us updated.
Dougs last blog post..Miscellany from a hammock
We decided to hold our son back when we started to homeschool. It was the best thing we could have done. Alex is very smart, but also struggles with the traditional school setting. (No, that isn’t just an excuse, it is true.) He has done much better with one-on-one, rather than an entire classroom.
We had wanted to hold him back, and I think the way you did it was really a positive thing. He won’t be going back to the same school and won’t have to deal with all the kids there.
Let us know how it goes.
Julies last blog post..Nursery Pictures
I definitely think that you know your kid best and it sounds like this really feels right to both of you. I applaud you for making this choice, even though it may be scary (probably more for you than for him)!
As a current college student (sophomore), a former homeschooler (pretty much all throughout my school years, with a couple exceptions), and a kid that never attended pre-school and started late due to my September birthday…I’m doing just fine! I, along with my parents, decided I’d like to try going to a private high school when 9th grade hit, so I did. I went there for about 2 years, a little less. I enjoyed it for awhile. I did excellently, making 4.0 GPA and the honor roll each year. The principal told my parents that I was more prepared for high school than any of the other kids there, and this after homeschooling (mostly ‘unschooling’ during my younger years)! So I’m proof that kids can succeed in many different environments…
The only reason I ever get low grades (and by low, I mean B’s) is either because it’s math or science (I’ve never done well in either without working my toosh off)…or because I’m just not putting in the effort I need to. So I know how to work on my own, get my grades up, use the resources available, etc. and I appreciate my Mom for teaching me those skills. I learned more ‘unschooling’ with her all those years than I learned in 2 years of “real” school (which totally bored me after awhile)…
Sorry to babble!
I think you can definitely rest assured that this decision was the right one. He’s going to do great!