Dear children: YES. You have to do the dishes AND clean your rooms today. I am about to take you and your friends to the “Fun park”. Do you know how much your average adult likes going to the “Fun Park”? About as much as getting a yeast infection with a chaser of hemorrhoids. You’re lucky it’s just doing the dishes and cleaning your rooms and that I’m not renting you out to The Triangle Shirtwaist Company for underage slave labor in exchange for this little outing.
Dear “Fun Park”: Please, please, please be cooperative today. Do not have change machines be perpetually “Out of order”, don’t take my kid’s ski ball award tickets don’t have your mats out of place in the inevitable place that my child will land and bonk his head, and if there is any way that you could somehow rid me of feeling like I need to hose myself down with Lysol the minute I walk through your doors, I would appreciate it.
Dear Body: You haven’t been too bad lately. Sure the non-appetite thing has been annoying and bland, but dude…We’re in the 140’s now, which doesn’t suck. And? Is it weird that I feel better eating a lot less? I mean…I should feel worse, right? It’s kind of cool to not really need the food crutch I’ve had for oh, my entire freaking life. I’m assuming it will come back but for now I am having a moment of empowerment.
Dear VW Passat Wagon: Please for all that is holy, STOP FREAKING OUT ON ME. Please? Because even though I know that the problem with you is just a “Sensor” issue, when you scream “STOP MOTOR!!! OIL PRESSURE PROBLEM!!!! YOUR CAR WILL EXPLODE IF YOU DON’T PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!!!” I just CANNOT IGNORE IT. I will keep pulling over, in the dark, at midnight, in the middle of a canyon when I’m exhausted from doing a show and I will HATE YOU FOR IT. So? Get your act together, yo.
Dear Gretchen:Your rolls are about the only thing I am looking forward to today. You are the Goddess of Yeast. (Not in a bad way. Ehem.)
Dear Husband: You realize that when you tell me that you “don’t really think you want to see it THAT bad” when I tell you how much it will cost to see Wicked, you are really hurting my feelings, right? Because I am trying to give you a GIFT with MY hard-earned money. I don’t want new clothes, shoes, makeup, kitchen gadget or even my much LUSTED after SLR camera. No, I want to take you to see a show that means a lot to me, that I know you would lov,e and do something special with just US. We rarely do anything or go anywhere together. And you don’t want to go because the tickets are a little more than you thought they’d be? Ouch.
Dear Credit Card: I am so pissed off that I miscalculated your limit by a measly 2.50 and got whomped with a big, fat overage fine. I’m also pissed that when I pay you off, the money comes out of my bank account almost immediately and yet it takes DAYS before it posts to my credit account. It’s really not cool. It’s not like you have to use The Pony Express to get the payment to and fro, ya know?
Dear Friends: It has been so good hanging out with and seeing you. I love my computer but sometimes I need to be reminded what the outside world actually looks like, you know? Love you all more than you know.
Dear Voice: THANK YOU for last night. You were awesome and you didn’t let me down in front of my friends, Chelle and Heidi. This goes in the scrapbook as one of our best performances. Even though I use and abuse and bitch about you a lot, I love your guts.
Dear Oregon Trail and Rockband: YOU ARE MY BITCHES.
Dear Creativity: Could you please, please, PLEASE get your act together? I’m dying here. I mean, I know that you do your best, but look at this post and how much we struggled to write it. And it’s just kind of…”Meh”. You’ve been kinda, “Meh” for a long time. Get your proverbial panties out of a twist and behave, ok?
Dear SoapNet Dude. Please stop playing re-runs of Melrose Place. I seriously do not want to be sucked back into the early 90’s but the pull of Allison/Billy/Amanda/Brooke, Jane/Michael/Kimberly/Sidney is just too damn much! MUST. KEEP.WATCHING! GAH!!!
Dear Twitter: Not now. I’m busy. You know…Watching Melrose Place.
P.S. This is me, HORKING DOWN THE DELICIOUSNESS THAT ARE GRETCHEN’S ROLLS.
Mmmm…Totally made the stupid Fun Park bearable. (Yes. I took the whole damn box with me. Perfect accompaniment to an Ipod and a Martha Grimes novel.)
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I think Creativity psychically received your letter before you sent it. Very entertaining Loralee Looney Tunnes.
Nice you spent time with Friends – so important…
Thanks for sharing your letters!
I can relate to your letter to the hubby. My boyfriend is a cheap, cheap little man (not trying to imply that your man is likewise cheap), and I find that if I want us to go out to some event on me, it’s best for me to just ask him if he’s available that day and then buy the tickets without discussing cost with him. Even if it’s my money, he balks at the cost of things.
He hurt his back recently, and he complains about how tight the muscles are, so I told him I’d buy him a massage, and he said they are a waste of money. First, they really aren’t that expensive if you only get one once in awhile, and second, it’s my money, so why should he care?
It’s not like I’m a big spender, but it’s sometimes difficult being with a penny-pincher boyfriend.
Sras last blog post..Trivial Pursuit
This post made me want to give you a big hug!
I would KILL to see Wicked. Where is it showing that you were considering to see it?
Jill – GlossyVeneers last blog post..Olympic Vision
I desperately want to see Wicked. We love Wicked. However, I thought you had to buy the season tickets to get Wicked tickets. If I am wrong on this….please correct me.
I can’t wait to see your show….still deciding on a date.
Love you!
Connies last blog post..Horton Hears a Wino
Can I add one because my Hubbz sometimes sneakily reads my blog?
Dear FIL: Tomorrow is my birthday. Not yours. If I don’t want to have lunch at a mediocre Italian restaurant in a strip mall, I shouldn’t have to. If you want to take MIL there, then take her. But don’t get pissed at me and Hubbz when he tells you I had an alternative suggestion. I didn’t really want to have lunch with you in the first place, but if you’re going to offer to take me some place ON MY BIRTHDAY that I should at least have a say in where we eat. Doncha think?
Wow… that felt good. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me… wink wink…
Jill (CDJ)s last blog post..Can I get delivery confirmation on this puppy?
I think your creativity is front and center. This post was “Yeah” not “meh”. You spoke to me about so many things but particularly about needing to get away from this damn computer and out into the real world. But not Fun Park. No, not Fun Park.
merlotmoms last blog post..Making Lemonade Out of Lemons – Sort Of
Oh, how I wish I could have your (lack of) appetite. Well I do, except for chips. I crave them ALL DAY LONG.
Dear Loralee:
Just when I think my blog totally sucks, I get an email or comment that someone has enjoyed it. Consider this yours!
*smoochums*
thank god i don’t get soapnet. i’d never get anything done :)
alis last blog post..of pasta birthdays and pineapple express dreams
There is a software upgrade to take care of the Passat sensor issue. A friend of mine told me about it and so I took mine into the dealer and they fixed it. Their mistake, make them fix it.
I LOVE reading about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. Are you seriously the only person I know that is aware of it?
iluvloralee :)
I feel sorry for you. When those creative juices stop flowing it’s just a bitch to get them started up again.
Fortunately, I’ve been on a roll lately. Man, if My juices were flowing any better and I was a womwn, I wouldn’t be able to sit on a barstool.
lceels last blog post..Two Years Earlier …
Where are you wanting to go to see Wicked? I’m assuming out of state because we wouldn’t be so lucky as to have Wicked HERE… would we?? Because if we are that lucky, then I need to know.
Glad to see you EAT SOMETHING.
I hope your hubby can make that up to you. I know how that feels. :-(
sizzles last blog post..Let. It. Lie.
Glad they made it in one piece! Enjoy!
Gretchens last blog post..Three cheers – they’re gone!
This entry was fantastic.
Oh, Loralee, I laughed out loud at LEAST 5 times. You crack me up, and are so right on. I wish you hadn’t told me there is Melrose Place on somewhere though. Gawd. Must. Not. Check.
xo!
b.
just beths last blog post..BUI, like a DUI only worse
You brought a book to the fun park, lame.
Mellys last blog post..Who even likes them?
Yup, that’s all I got out of this post. :)
Mellys last blog post..Who even likes them?
Seriously, I fucking hate my VW. It’s the worst car ever. And I know a lot of people who have also had a lot of problems with the same make. Never again will I buy a German piece of crap. Because never in the first place did I think German + crap went together in car land. Bah. Good luck with your troubles. I feel your pain.
Nilsas last blog post..Invite
Dear Jon,
For the love of all that is amazingly good, go with your wife to see Wicked! My hubby adored it, and we paid in Brittish pounds, which was TWICE as much as dollars, and it was still worth it!!!!! In fact, fly to London to see it! Even better!
Erin Taylors last blog post..Hey- I’m over here!!!!
Dear Jon,
For the love of all that is amazingly good, go with your wife to see Wicked! My hubby adored it, and we paid in Brittish pounds, which was TWICE as much as dollars, and it was still worth it!!!!! In fact, fly to London to see it! Even better!
Erin Taylors last blog post..Risk
I can relate on so many of these things , that I could have written them myself. Except you are funnier :-)
Oh, and except the one to your body, because I’m pretty far from the 140s (fat ass that I am).
Elisas last blog post..Short and sweet… but it won’t make you fat
I love the Dear Husband letter. Just the other day, AJ said he couldn’t believe he agreed to go with me to Big Academic Conference (BAC) because, oh my god, how could he possibly miss a class?
It kinda broke my heart. I was really excited for him to come with me, be a part of something I love and am passionate about. I also spent 800 fracking dollars on his plane ticket and registration. Now, I’m forecasting that he’ll be a miserable boner the whole time and that makes me want to leave him at home.
A.C.s last blog post..ANTM Season 7
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/08/five-star-friday-edition-18.html
schmutzies last blog post..Twenty-Five Things I’ve Actually Stolen
I think you should put those kids to work to pay for the tickets. It will teach them lots of things.
And the Ipod? I thought it was the law that you had to use the white earpieces.
JoeInVegass last blog post..E Friday – with Max
Dear Loralee-
I loved your show; you and your amazing voice performed brilliantly. Catching up on your posts (after a week @ girls’ camp) made today bearable; you can always make me laugh. (No, don’t blow it off, ‘cuz you know you’ve made me laugh snot and tears all over the place and it takes a lot for me to lose my composure that way. Well, not really, but I like to maintain the facade of propriety…) Thirteen gazillion thank-you’s for meeting me in the parking lot at the fun park and sharing your contraband with me (ok, it was just a roll, but it was a massive improvment over my otherwise hud-filled day).
Lastly, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, please take your freaking appetite back!!! You were all “worried” because it was missing and “oh dear me” you’d really like it back and other bs like that… Really, I have enough of an appetite on my own, I really wish yours hadn’t wandered over to join forces with mine and welcome in August or celebrate the summer’s bounty or whatever they are trying to do. Once I’ve gained twelve pounds, we are having a seance or joint hypnosis or something to right the wrongs here!
Love,
Chelle
you are too funny! and you look great, even if you are stuffing your face! we went to a dinner theater last night. i thought of you. and listening to the girls amazing voices made me envy your talent even more. good luck trying to get to wicked. hope it works out!
Seriously, Twitter. WHAT IS UP? (And you, too, credit card company, for that matter.)
argh.
maggie, dammits last blog post..The Great Porcupine Incident of 2004
Dear Loralee – I love this blog! Thank you!
Red Flashlights last blog post..This Was a Fabulous Day
yeah, so, i never know what i want for my birthday, right? so whenever people ask me, i say nothing.
well.. not this year. i told my mom in March or so that i KNEW WHAT I WANTED. tickets to wicked.
so then she tells me they are too expensive. and i’m like, ok, so buy half my ticket? give me $50 towards it and i’ll pay the rest. IT IS ALL I WANT. I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING ELSE.
hmph. am i being spoiled??? and tell connie you don’t have to be a season ticket holder. you probably would have HAD to be one if ticket prices weren’t so damn ridiculous. i’ve seen phantom of the opera on BROADWAY in the 5th row of the orchestra section and it was NOT $650.
jesss last blog post..Happy NINTH Anniversary to me!
Oh, the Fun Park. Here we have the Water Park. Which is really the Spray Park. Which is NEXT to a Park Park. With swings and slides and monkey bars.
Weekends, we do ALL the parks.
I feel your pain.
mommypies last blog post..Doogs Weekend 3: I’m with the band.
I constantly have, “I’m Not That Girl” running through my head. (Many reasons, I may divulge some point after….given enough wine)
If your beloved doesn’t want to go, I’ll come with you….
You know, I have found it a better practice to simply purchase the tickets and say, ( because as it is with you, it is money I have earned…and I know what the budget can or cannot withstand), “Guess where we’re going on the 21st?”
4s last blog post..syllabic power
Dang, I was going to write you a Dear Loralee letter. But that makes me one of the masses. One of the heartfelt masses, massive all the same and no one wants to be massive.
You shouldn’t give your creativity such a hard time. I mean, it did tell you to bring rolls to the fun park. What an excellent way to reduce the ick factor.
Genevas last blog post..Hey, I know him!
That’s part of the reason I got rid of credit cards.
What sux is when you go over (or someone else does) your alloted ATM withdrawl amount in one day while you’re dining with fellow bloggers and you don’t have a credit card to pay with so you have to bitch endlessly at your bank trying to get them to rectify the problem to no avail.
*deep breath*
Christines last blog post..Why IM’ing is evil
This made me laugh so hard I snorted. Thanks, I needed that.
Summers last blog post..Conversations With A Toddler