Hello, Looney Tunes Bloggityworld!
This is Loralee. Or rather, I should say that this is the tiny segment of Loralee’s mind that represents logic, rationality, and balance. (Yes, I know that I don’t talk a lot here. I SAID I was tiny, ok?)
Loralee has had a bit of a rough go of it lately and so I thought I would make a little list of things she needs to remember to help her out.
DON’T FALL BEHIND IN YOUR LAUNDRY. It makes you feel bad, there are clothes everywhere and once you fall behind it is just damn hard to catch up. So? Get off your ass and go put in a load already.
HONEY, YOU ARE NOT THE BLOGGING POLICE. It’s not your responsibility to make sure the blogging world is fair or that idiocy and offensiveness be corrected. Just don’t engage, chicka. DO NOT DO IT. It is not worth it and it’s just feeding the fire, so shut your pie-hole for once. It will just make you feel worse in the end if you start a brouhaha.
(I really thought about putting this down as number one but the pull of clean underwear was too strong. Sorry.)
TRY TO CONTROL YOUR NEED TO PEE DURING A MARATHON 16-HOUR CAR TRIP WITH YOUR INLAWS. Ok, I know that you have had three children and sometimes it just hits with a fury. Even if you are in the middle of buttfreakingnowhere Idaho and there is literally NOWHERE to pee for miles and miles I can see that part isn’t your fault. You also have no control over there being no bathrooms in the area, so peeing outside was the only option there was. And, I can ALSO see that you had to lean up against the side of the van because your plan to go pee in the bushes was thwarted because there were clusters of thorns on them the size of big, hairy donkey balls. (THAT would have been bad. Ouch.)
However, IF you are outside peeing and IF you have to lean up against the side of the van to pee, you really need to double check the space you are peeing on because your sister-in-law’s flipflop may have fallen out of the van door and you MAY PEE ALL THE HELL OVER IT.
It will cause much embarrassment and shame for you, although the rest of the people in the van will get a kick out of it. (Except for the owner of aforementioned urine-soaked sandal, of course.)
DO NOT GO NEAR THE COMPUTER AND/OR HAVE ANY HUMAN INTERACTION TWO DAYS BEFORE AND AFTER YOUR PERIOD STARTS. Really, it’s just not a good idea. You are always so damn pissy and emotional. You get caught up and twisted in things that will not matter or seem like a big deal once your hormones calm the hell down. So? Get a little calender and circle all your dates in red with a big reminder to realize what is up and to not engage, ok?
STOP LOOKING AT YOUR DAMN STATS: Because they are in the toilet after BlogHer but it will be ok. Seriously? SERIOUSLY.
YOU’RE OFF VACATION AND ARE FINALLY HOME. CALL YOUR IN LIFE FRIENDS BECAUSE IT’S BEEN FOREVER AND A DAY SINCE YOU’VE SEEN ANY OF THEM AND YOU MISS THEM.Because there is nothing quite like a friend who is right in front of you that you’ve known forever, is there?
DON’T USE YOUR TEETH. THAT little tawdry tidbit is from your husband, Jonathan.