Hello, Looney Tunes Bloggityworld!
This is Loralee. Or rather, I should say that this is the tiny segment of Loralee’s mind that represents logic, rationality, and balance. (Yes, I know that I don’t talk a lot here. I SAID I was tiny, ok?)
Loralee has had a bit of a rough go of it lately and so I thought I would make a little list of things she needs to remember to help her out.
DON’T FALL BEHIND IN YOUR LAUNDRY. It makes you feel bad, there are clothes everywhere and once you fall behind it is just damn hard to catch up. So? Get off your ass and go put in a load already.
HONEY, YOU ARE NOT THE BLOGGING POLICE. It’s not your responsibility to make sure the blogging world is fair or that idiocy and offensiveness be corrected. Just don’t engage, chicka. DO NOT DO IT. It is not worth it and it’s just feeding the fire, so shut your pie-hole for once. It will just make you feel worse in the end if you start a brouhaha.
(I really thought about putting this down as number one but the pull of clean underwear was too strong. Sorry.)
TRY TO CONTROL YOUR NEED TO PEE DURING A MARATHON 16-HOUR CAR TRIP WITH YOUR INLAWS. Ok, I know that you have had three children and sometimes it just hits with a fury. Even if you are in the middle of buttfreakingnowhere Idaho and there is literally NOWHERE to pee for miles and miles I can see that part isn’t your fault. You also have no control over there being no bathrooms in the area, so peeing outside was the only option there was. And, I can ALSO see that you had to lean up against the side of the van because your plan to go pee in the bushes was thwarted because there were clusters of thorns on them the size of big, hairy donkey balls. (THAT would have been bad. Ouch.)
However, IF you are outside peeing and IF you have to lean up against the side of the van to pee, you really need to double check the space you are peeing on because your sister-in-law’s flipflop may have fallen out of the van door and you MAY PEE ALL THE HELL OVER IT.
It will cause much embarrassment and shame for you, although the rest of the people in the van will get a kick out of it. (Except for the owner of aforementioned urine-soaked sandal, of course.)
DO NOT GO NEAR THE COMPUTER AND/OR HAVE ANY HUMAN INTERACTION TWO DAYS BEFORE AND AFTER YOUR PERIOD STARTS. Really, it’s just not a good idea. You are always so damn pissy and emotional. You get caught up and twisted in things that will not matter or seem like a big deal once your hormones calm the hell down. So? Get a little calender and circle all your dates in red with a big reminder to realize what is up and to not engage, ok?
STOP LOOKING AT YOUR DAMN STATS: Because they are in the toilet after BlogHer but it will be ok. Seriously? SERIOUSLY.
YOU’RE OFF VACATION AND ARE FINALLY HOME. CALL YOUR IN LIFE FRIENDS BECAUSE IT’S BEEN FOREVER AND A DAY SINCE YOU’VE SEEN ANY OF THEM AND YOU MISS THEM.Because there is nothing quite like a friend who is right in front of you that you’ve known forever, is there?
And finally…
DON’T USE YOUR TEETH. THAT little tawdry tidbit is from your husband, Jonathan.
Geneva says:
I lurk here far too often and just decided, what the hell, I’m going to be a commenter. And why not a regular one? Sure everyone is always so funny and witty in their comments, but I don’t need to compare myself to them. Every blogger needs comments to survive. So take that witty Loralee commenters! I’m going to leave a dull and boring comment.
I love that you peed on a flip flop. Really and truly. I have a walnut bladder myself and consider it a paramount achievement when I manage not to urinate on myself or my clothes. Everyone else’s are fair game.
Genevas last blog post..Ding Dong the wicked weeds are dead!
July 28th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Jill (CDJ) says:
I need one of these. How did you find that part of your brain? Because if I have it, it’s been off duty for the last )cough cough cough) years.
Don’t bother with the haters, Lor. Crack open a Diet Coke (or go to McDonald’s and get one of those big-ass $1 versions) and know that you are loved and appreciated around here, no matter what anyone else tries to tell you.
Jill (CDJ)s last blog post..The Funniest Thing I Heard Today v. 10
July 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
calicobebop says:
I hear ya with the clean undies. They ARE quite important. Also, I can relate to the not touching a computer around that monthly visit. Usually not my best work.
calicobebops last blog post..Going to the Chapel…
July 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Kristabella says:
I hate blogging drama. And I hate when someone pulls me into it when I did NOTHING.
I get sucked in to it as well. It is hard not to.
Kristabellas last blog post..DINAO Round 10 - The Culinary Edition
July 28th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
sizzle says:
My Mom was forever telling me not to use my teeth. I think because she paid so damn much in orthodontia. Heh. She was right though. DAMN HER.
Now I understand the peeing on the sandal. I was so confused when you twittered that. I couldn’t fathom HOW that would happen.
sizzles last blog post..Let’s Be Dorky
July 28th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Kerri Anne says:
If I made a list in the same vein my number one would be GO TO SLEEP KERRI. NOW. Why do I insist on making myself miserable by acting like I’m eighteen with a newly acquired non-curfew? WHY?
If I buy you a badge and a squirt gun, will you consider being the blogging police? “Don’t tase me, Lo!” ; )
July 28th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
She Likes Purple says:
Oh, the peeing story just made my day.
She Likes Purples last blog post..Already Taking After His/Her Father
July 28th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Chris says:
I’ve enjoyed learning more about you. Go wash your skivvies, don’t check your stats (some of us weren’t at BlogHer - so things will improve), perhaps you should buy your sis-in-law some new flip-flops, and a dental guard might come in handy.
Hang in there.
A new reader, that will be nice…
Chriss last blog post..Home Sh#t Home - Part Deux
July 28th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
loralee says:
GENEVA: Dude, that WAS witty and hilarious! And WELCOME!!!! Yay for coming out of the closet! (Well, you know what I mean.Hee!)
JILL:
Heh. Oddly, it isn’t a hater issue.
I made the mistake of calling someone on behavior and I should just know better. I was invited into the frey so it wasn’t me just diving into drama.
They keep insisting no one was bothered by it besides me (which was not true) and I ended up just getting more frustrated and feeling icky. Finally, I just walked away. The other people that were pissed off didn’t need me fighting the battle for them and I was stuck in a hot, stuffy van needing to pee and was hormonal, which never helps. I need to learn to just ignore them completely from the start but dude…It’s hard to do sometimes.
CALICO: I know. I should just take a big breath and drink more Diet Coke.
KRISTABELLA: I hate the fallout of blog drama. My problem is that I am so emotional and knee-jerk-reactionary (yah. probably not a word, I know.)that I always end up either causing drama, stepping in drama, or getting pulled into drama and I always regret it.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
KD @ A Bit Squirrelly says:
Was the flip flop cloth or rubber–because that matters. You can always grab a bottle of water (or a diet coke) and rinse it off–no harm no foul.
I don’t have periods anymore (don’t hate let me explain) becuase I had a Baby House Demo last year aka Hysterectomy but I still have my ovaries. Ovaries=hormones. Hormones=crazy fluctuations in mood. No period=no idea in hell when the hormone fluctuations will happen. Add that all together and it the the equation for disaster in squirrelly-ville once (or twice I had bad issues) a month.
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..But You Can Lick My Floors DAMMIT!
July 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
loralee says:
KD@I did end up rinsing them off, but it was totally embarrassing. Sigh.
And? Yes, that would totally suck more. YOU WIN. Gah. How horrible.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Alice says:
i am pretty sure i need all of these tattooed as well. just because i have not AS OF YET peed on someone’s flip flop does not mean it’s not imminent. i peed on my own glove once, which had sadly fallen to the ground as i copped a squat in a paris alleyway. uh, hi everyone! new reader here!
Alices last blog post..push up, push up real good
July 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
loralee says:
sizzle:
If my mother told me not to use my teeth with boys I would pass out and DIE.
Kerri Anne:
Hmm…If it was an uber-cool badge and squirt gun…MAYBE. Although, can anything be cool again now that I have the felt stache of awesomeness? (Must post that. Remind me.)
She Likes Purple:
See? Then the humiliation was totally worth it. Anything for you, sweets!
July 28th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Sleeping Mommy says:
Right there with you on the PMS, except um, I need to add the middle of my cycle too. I get to be crazy TWICE a month. Yippie!
July 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Backpacking Dad says:
Dude, we’re not blog police; we’re blog vigilantes: setting our own causes to fight for and our own schedules of action.
Did you get your XKCD badge from Mr. Lady?
Backpacking Dads last blog post..The Great Interview Experiment
July 28th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
loralee says:
DUDE! I am behind on the comment replies! GAH! SORRY!
ALICE: People who pee in allies in Paris are TOTALLY welcome here.
CHRIS: Welcome to you, too! I hadn’t thought about a dental guard. Hmmm….
SLEEPING MOMMY: Twice? I’d DIE. So would those around me.
BACKPACKING DAD: No! What badge? Dude, am I going to have to make out with her AGAIN to get one?
Blog vigilantes-Hah! I totally wanted to say, “You aren’t pissing people off? Read this?!” and send your tweet. I refrained. Aren’t you proud of me?
July 28th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
SparklieSunShine says:
Bahaha! Okay that is for the teeth line. Hehehe.
Sorry that this has been such a bummy week in terms of some things. Hopefully your face time with your fabulous friends will help.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Twenty-Four Got Off To A Good Start
July 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Teri says:
Don’t use your teeth - I’m dying at that one!! Too funny.
Teris last blog post..Arrivee a Paris
July 28th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
4 says:
I have a few things I want tattooed on my forehead too.
I have just finished reading/listening to Randy Pausch’s ‘The Last Lecture’.(He died this weekend) My ex sister in law gave it to me for being her Tigger during the past 3 weeks with her daughter. In his book, he describes an opportunity as a child where he was allowed to write anything of importance on his wall. I have decided to take his lead and write my “tattoos” on my bathroom wall.
Forehead/bathroom? I figure as long as I get to write it down…I am good!
4s last blog post..Someday love will bring you back…..
July 28th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:
Hey there - If it makes you feel better, I added you to my feed AFTER BlogHer and the chick-on-chick kissing earned my Homer’s stamp of approval.
Never apologize for who you are.
That said, let me know when you’re ready to get inked. Maybe we can get a two-for-one deal.
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegass last blog post..Review: NineBlue Travel Guide for Las Vegas
July 28th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Melain says:
This is all sensational advice. Except MY Jonathan digs a little light raking. Ymmmm.
Melains last blog post..Man Candy
July 28th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Rachel (Louisiana) says:
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Thanks, honey, I really needed a laugh today.
Rachel (Louisiana)s last blog post..I feel like I’ve cut off his right arm
July 28th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Miss Britt says:
Waiiiiit a minute. I thought BlogHer was supposed to INCREASE your stats?
Ah HELL no. I aint goin’ NOW!
Miss Britts last blog post..Saying Goodbye
July 28th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
loralee says:
Running out the door to buy groceries but had to say to @miss britt Well, it normally does for people but i had a trip that I left for RIGHT after and so I have been pretty much gone.
THAT may be it, I don’t know. I’ll let you know if it picks up. AND? You HAVE TO COME. I MUST MEET YOU!
July 28th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
linny says:
Not only *should* you use your teeth, you need to file them all down to a fine, sharp point!
July 28th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Robin says:
I found you after BlogHer so add me to your traffic that you have vowed not to check. Sigh, I wish I only had 2 days of pre/post pms crap..Why did Eve have to eat that damn apple anyway?!
PS. I pee’d behind a dumpster once at night while my friends were waiting for me in the car. When I came back,they were all in hysterics. Apparently, the headlights illuminated me against the wall behind me..Wished I’d only pee’d on a shoe
Robins last blog post..Bow Chicka Wow Wow..A 104 Things About Me.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
brit says:
I didn’t subscribe to your blog until after blogger, mostly because everytime I came here I cried big gulping sobs. Your ability to touch the nerve of parents everywhere, and I would argue, non parents everywhere is amazing and sometimes we hide from painful posts.
Your writing is so honest and in your face that it can be hard to take but I can also say truthfully even when it is hard for me to read the truth I”m saying “right on” or that is exactly the way I feel about things.
YOu are a great writer and you make me feel. That is what i look for in blogs.
And that is what I wished I had been able to say to you at Blogher instead of ohmygodiloveyourblogtakemehomeinyoursuitcasewithoyouokay?
because I can see where that may have crossed the line *grin*
Keep on Bloggin you looney lady.
brits last blog post..Weekend Rundown
July 28th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
lceel 'Uncle Lou' says:
Now that is NOT NICE. I realize that the toothy thing happens, once in a while. And yes, it might even be hormonal in its source. But to suggest, to even intimate, that filling down one’s teeth ‘to a fine sharp point’ is somehow something you ‘need’ to do, is really hurtful and mean. Well, hurtful anyway, unless of course, there are masochistical tendencies involved, in which case, perhaps … nah, still not a good idea.
lceel ‘Uncle Lou’s last blog post..Old and slow vs young and quick
July 28th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
loralee says:
SparklieSunShine:
I think so, too. NOW I just have to find my damn phone charger. BOO!
Teri:
My husband can be the king of the one liner. Heh.
4:
I probably should do this in a more serious sense. It sometimes helps to just get it all the jumbles in my head out on paper.
Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas:
Ok, this is getting weird. Lots of people are saying they are new here but my stats suck. Suscpicious. But then, I don’t really trust me and technology. I wouldn’t be surprised if something is screwy in the state of Denmark.
Melain:
I have to get photos from you and Flinger! Loved meeting you, you sickeningly gorgeous woman, you!
Rachel (Louisiana:
Read what was up on your blog. I’ll call you. Hug.
linny:
You slay me, sister o’ mine.
Robin says:
I am beginning to wonder if there is just something that is SUCKING with my stats and my feeds because, dude…people keep telling me they are new to Looney Tunes.
HMMM…I shall have to investigate.
P.S. I am LMAO at the pee stories I keep getting from people. It’s good I’m not alone.
brit:
These are the kind of posts I wish I could have made into wallpaper to plaster on my
If you only KNEW how many times I said,”ohmygodiloveyourblogtakemehomeinyoursuitcasewithoyouokay?” instead of a thoughtful list of what I loved. (That or screamed, flashed my boobies or just started making out with people. Let’s talk about line crossing. Hee.)
lceel:
Heh. Linny is my sister. I think that there is a law that allows sisters to think their sister’s spouses should be allowed to be subjected to fine, sharp teeth every once in a while. (I swear it’s on the books somewhere! Grin.)
July 28th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Mr Lady says:
I will click through 500 times tonight to get your stats back up, so you can worry about other things, like NOT USING YOUR TEETH.
Mr Ladys last blog post..I Really Think I May Have Actually Left My Heart In San Francisco
July 28th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Angella says:
I could be offended that I was not linked to in the drama. Instead? I AM RELIEVED.
Angellas last blog post..Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Fundraiser
July 28th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
loralee says:
Mr. Lady: I love you with the power of a thousand burning suns. Have I told you that lately?
Angella: Dude. She hurts my head. I have an email in my inbox saying “I am the only one who is upset”. NOT. I loved Backpacking Dad’s “Blogging Vigilante Justice League” idea. It rocks.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
macpipergirl says:
I can see you now…A western town, main street, high noon. The sun glinting off your vigilante badge…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct6p0sP_KSk
…Teeth grinding in anticipation (sorry Jon)…while you pee on a flip-flop.
(I really hope that link works…)
Love you!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Megan says:
Just found you via Backpacking Dad. Dude. I love you. I wish that were an overstatement, but it’s NOT. I’ve been clicking and reading and I can’t get enough. Is that creepy? I’m just a babyblogger and I want to be YOU when I grow up.
Megans last blog post..Lish to English Dictionary
July 28th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Bridge says:
Ohhh… you miss me???
Bridges last blog post..pardon our dust
July 28th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Tammy says:
mosied on over from backpackingdad’s blog to see what all the hooplah was about. Loving your blog…hilarious post! It’s nice to “meet” you!
Tammys last blog post..Only FIVE summer weekends left!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Marie says:
Your list is so funny and so true!
Nothing like clean underwear in the middle of chaos and upheaval.
Maries last blog post..I’ll Take the Awesome
July 28th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Britt says:
Are bloggers allowed to have “in life” friends? This is new to me.
Crap! I do everything wrong!
Britts last blog post..This is the start of something good
July 28th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
holli says:
I think you should actually get a tattoo of this and make a blog post about it. Stats after BlogHer? How about I wrote a blog post with all my little links to people and none of them even came and commented? Yes, I’m including you since your picture was right there smack dab in the middle - but neither did Dooce and I totally thought she would be first in line. speaking of PMS.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Camille says:
I always wanted to know how to spell “brouhaha.” Thank you for teaching me important things in life. I still like you.
Camilles last blog post..Does This Playlist Make My Blog Look Fat?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:49 am
T@SendChocolate says:
Dammit, this is what happens when I freakin’ have to go to Target and you guys are on twitter and I miss all the dang drama!
I wanna know what happened, but it is probabl best that 1) I leave with no internet for 6 days ::sob::: and 2)I wasn’t there.
Stupid people suck, Loralee. Seriously. Don’t let it get you down. (I still wanna know though, so I can be outraged for you…)
T.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:42 am
Heather Lessiter says:
I found your blog because of all of the BlogHer posts, so hopefully those stats will jump up. Don’t sweat it. You’re hilarious!
My hubby likes a little teeth now and then. ;o)
Heather Lessiters last blog post..Make It From Scratch Is Up!
July 29th, 2008 at 6:04 am
Kate says:
Welcome home.
Kates last blog post..Meme
July 29th, 2008 at 6:27 am
rachel says:
HA HA Ha HA HA!!
Those are awesome. But, they come from you so of course they are
rachels last blog post..Mouthwatering Monday: Wamsutta
July 29th, 2008 at 8:14 am
ali says:
i’m with Angella on this…totally relieved to be left out!
alis last blog post..this week i will…
July 29th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Elisa says:
Hear, hear.
That’s actually a pretty good idea, I have a few of those too. In fact, I think we should start one of those cults where people all have the same tattoo, except we would all have stuff tattoo on our forehead, but backwards so we can read it in the mirror. Yes, that would be attractive.
Elisas last blog post..Stella’s productive week (from the "Stella the Charming Terror" series)
July 29th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Queen of Shake Shake says:
I need to post that one about staying away from the computer two days before your period onto my forehead too.
I think July stinks for stats. Period. I remember from last year. I don’t know if people are getting into the swing of summer or getting ready to go back to school. I guess it depends on what part of the country.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..T-Minus 13 Days and Counting
July 29th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Kim says:
I can now see why Mr. Lady is a fan.. I have spent some time on your blog (hope you do not check your stats from Long Island NY, I may appear stalkerish)..
You have now been added to the reader.. as you have picked up a new fan..
And the peeing story… had me peeing.. ba dum bump.
Kims last blog post..Leo-Licious Randomness
July 29th, 2008 at 10:53 am