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Jon Deal has the run of the joint while Loralee is at BlogHer.
For reasons which will become clear starting in the next paragraph, this will likely be the only guest post he ever does.
As we out here in the Internet hinterlands all know, BlogHer 2008 has commenced, or is about to commence and holy crap, the whole Internet (at least the “mommy blogger” subset of the Internet) will just NOT SHUT UP about BlogHer; we who remain behind in our hovels are stuck with more than a few ambivalent feelings.
The “I’m not going because…” sentiments can be categorized and classified as follows (really, in no particular order):
- I’m not in that “in” crowd anyway.
- Nobody likes me.
- I hate everyone.
- It’s in July and I molt in July. The BlogHer people KNOW this and yet they keep scheduling it in July year after year. There would be feathers everywhere. So embarrassing. It’s like they are out to get me.
- I’m afraid I’ll meet and subsequently drool on a so-called “A-list” blogger I have been dying to meet even since I fired up a browser and pecked out my very first and truly lame post on that stupid blogspot.com site I used to do and then through a set of freak and frankly suspicious circumstances, death and destruction will rain down upon my whole family and we just had the floors re-done and you KNOW how death and destruction can simply RUIN hardwood floors.
- I don’t have a thing to wear.
(Possibly #5 only applies to me. Your mileage may vary.)
BUT!
I am here to dispel those feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing. Well, the last one anyway. Seek therapy for the first three reasons, a competent medical professional for the fourth and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to deal with number five.
I noticed that a few days ago, a lot of people (women, duh) were drop dead panicked about “What do I wear to BlogHer? What are you wearing? Holy bean on a stick, SOMEONE PLEASE CLOTHE ME!”
So I sent this email to a few people. I share it with you now. Because that’s how I roll.
(And because Loralee told me to. And she scares me.)
Ladies…
Since I see from your twitter feeds and blog posts that you are all kind of freaking out about what to wear at BlogHer, I thought I’d set your minds at ease.
Here is a detailed list of the clothes I am packing, though not necessarily wearing while at BlogHer:
- Black short sleeved tee-shirts (one crew, one v-neck, they go with everything)
- Some handmade jewelry I bought from someone’s Etsy store
- This darling plaid skirt and oxford cloth shirt, even though the skirt makes my hips look huge and is way too preppy
- Jeans (2 pair)
- Floral skirt with matching pink stretchy, lycra blend tee. (Scarf to match)
- Sweatshirt/sweater that goes with all of the above (S.F. == cold sometimes, even in the summer)
- Strappy sandals for fashion during the conference and comfortable shoes for walking around the city (feet might get cold walking around)
- One black dress that can go casual or formal depending how I accessorize it.
Wait…
Something’s missing….
Oh, right!
I’m not going to BlogHer, and I am neither a woman nor a gay man who cares about wardrobe. (I keep forgetting!)
I’m just a boring old hetero man, who decided not to go to BlogHer this year, but will probably go next year.
But seriously… black tee shirts go with everything! Can’t miss! (So sayeth my wife, who has 14 million in her closet)
Have a fun time!
Jon “yeah, I’m a little jealous, I should have just gone, but I didn’t feel comfortable about being one ‘those’ guys at what essentially amounts to an all-female group hug” Deal
P.S. I used to live in the SF Bay Area. Take a sweater/sweatshirt/jacket. It can get mighty chilly in SF, even in July. Seriously, take something with long sleeves.
—jon
So there you go! There is NO reason not to go to BlogHer next year. Heck, you could probably still catch a plane and crash the party.
See you next year.
*Hello, my lovely readers. It’s Loralee. I’m having a wonderful time and hope to hop on here before the end of things (I will not drone on and one about the convention, worry not.)
This post made me snort so loudly my “Heavenly Bed” at the Westin is SHAKING. I heart Jon Deal with the power of a thousand burning suns. If you are not reading him you should be.
HOWEVER!!! Jon forgot to add his OTHER emailed BlogHer instructions, which were as follows:
“I am going to give you a list of people to make out with while you are at BlogHer.
(A chaste, friendly sort of make out session, of course, I’m a married man after all)
Here’s how it will go…
You walk up to the person (for example… Angela from Fluid Pudding
“Hi, Angela! I’m Loraleee, but that’s not important right now.”“Hello, Loralee, nice to meet you. Why isn’t that important?”
“Because I’m here on a Mission, Angela from fluidpudding.com” [Don’t forget to CAPITALIZE the word Mission when you say that!]
“A Mission? Whatever do you mean by a Mission?”
“Put down that knitting and stand up, Angela. You have to be standing in order for this to work.” [Angela is one of those crazy knitter people, but I adore her anyway. (chastely, of course)]
Once she is standing up, start humping her leg and then scratch my URL on her arm and sing out “Jon from Ransom Note Typography thinks you are the bees knees!” Feel free to make up your own little tune to go along with this. Something in a bright major key, I think would work nicely. Practice something in B-flat on the plane, OK?
Thanks! And I’ll get you a full list of people whose legs you’ll be platonically humping before Wednesday.
Kisses,
Jon Deal”
Soooo worth mentioning, no?
BTW-I don’t kiss and tell, yo.
Heh.
** Jon here again. I feel I need to clarify that last email, which A) possibly should never have seen the light of day (*ahem*), and B) could be misconstrued as “that Jon fellow is über-weird with the leg humping talk. Make sure he never comes near me. I’m afraid he might want to make a skin suit out of me.” Where I come from the time honored “hump your leg greeting” doesn’t carry any sort of sexual connotation, I assure you. It’s just how we natives say, “Yo, dude, you are awesome! Want to go get a moon pie and hang out at the mall?” Plus, it’s not humping so much as it’s “knee bumping” on a grand scale. (Hence the “bees knees” comment.) It’s just a traditional greeting, I promise.
***We really need to stop meeting like this, Jon. People are going to start yelling, “GET A ROOM!” (hee.)
Dude, no one is going to think you’re a creepy guy, although it is sweet that you clarified.
AND I DID ASK YOU BEFORE POSTING IT. (While I just can’t be afraid of you after reading your post about being mistaken for your daughter’s MOTHER, I WOULD be afraid that there would be no more awesome blog lunches in the big city in the future if I hadn’t!!!)
Sra says:
Classic, Jon.
I’m a girl and I’m experiencing What Should I Wear to BlogHer? fatigue too. Thank god it’s almost over so we can talk about something else for awhile.
Sras last blog post..Mylanta for my Captcha Ache
July 17th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
rima says:
You are an internet treasure, Jon. Where have you been for my entire blogging life thus far? I think I heart you (in a totally platonic, bloggerly way, of course.)
rimas last blog post..Fears-R-Us
July 17th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Pants says:
“This darling plaid skirt…”,
No wonder your daughter’s classmate thought you were a mommy.
Pantss last blog post..I Miss Flash Fiction!
July 17th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
ricardo says:
Jon is, most assuredly, neither a woman nor a gay man. Believe me, I keep trying… But he IS a SWEET, SWEET TREASURE.
Keep the beard… I mean it!
July 17th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Backpacking Dad says:
Dude. You should have gone. We could have colour coordinated our outfits. Instead, I’m just going to wear a black t-shirt and floral print skirt and hope I pass.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Lying is just love in disguise
July 17th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Heather says:
C’mon Jon….you know the real reason you didn’t go was because you couldn’t find strappy sandals to go with that floral skirt, scarf, top combo.
LOL! Thanks for posting, I am sure you will be allowed out again sometime!
Heathers last blog post..I have secured the prize!
July 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Chelle says:
Welcome, Jon! Funny post, although I am part of a seemingly tiny sub-percentage of Loralee’s readership that is not going to BlogHer and is secretly relieved. (Oops, I think that was supposed to go on the annonymous confessions post! I will be flogged mercilessly with a wet noodle when Loralee comes back.)
July 17th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Neil says:
Bee’s Knees? C’mon, they’re never gonna let you into BlogHer using such corny old-fashioned phrases.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Jenn says:
My black t-shirts are all set to go.
Next year.
When maybe the financial stars will align.
Have fun!
Jenns last blog post..When Vanity and Impatience Collide
July 18th, 2008 at 3:34 am
lceel says:
I think I’m gonna go cry in my beer.
lceels last blog post..Haiku Friday
July 18th, 2008 at 7:10 am
Melanie @ BeanPaste says:
My Lord, Jon. I think I love you.
Melanie @ BeanPastes last blog post..Take 20 CC’s Of Latex Gloss And Call Me In The Morning
July 18th, 2008 at 8:30 am
schmutzie says:
You are being featured on Five Star Friday:
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/07/five-star-friday-edition-15.html
schmutzies last blog post..50×365 #300: Mr. Shih
July 18th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach says:
@Neil:
>> Bee’s Knees? C’mon, they’re never gonna let you into BlogHer using such corny old-fashioned phrases. <<
Jeepers Neil, whyever not?
23 Skidoo, Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coachs last blog post..57+ Tasty Resources for blog NEWSLETTERS, aWeber, autoresponders etc. you MUST see
July 19th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Dawn says:
oh he will soo love the Mr. Lady tackle pix!
Dawns last blog post..Pre BlogHer Haze
July 20th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Christine says:
Oh hewl yes…this is even funnier now that I can concentrate on it and not the convo going on around us.
By the way, have you met Amber?
Christines last blog post..If I can bake bread, anyone can
July 20th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Doug says:
If you manage to read this, please remember the Hunan Kitchen in Chinatown! To DIE FOR. I want to go back to SF just to eat there again. Seriously. I’m buying the plane ticket right now. Or ordering porn. So many open windows… it’s so confusing!
Dougs last blog post..Hiatus
July 21st, 2008 at 12:15 am
Melain says:
Jon, your writing style delights me.
Melains last blog post..Dessert Psychiatry
July 21st, 2008 at 3:54 am
Crystal says:
I am totally cracking up! That some funny crapola! Tee hee hee!
Crystals last blog post..RESULTS OF THE SOKY FAIR PAGEANT
July 21st, 2008 at 4:27 am
amy says:
so lovely to meet ya girl!!! Loved blogher and mic wrangling with ya! xo amy
amys last blog post..But she always had a carefree mind of her own/with a devilish look in
July 21st, 2008 at 6:37 am
Angela says:
Aw, man! I missed out on your humping! (I almost pretended to have a question at the closing keynote JUST so I could hump you! (I, too, had explicit instructions.))
July 21st, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Kyla says:
It was so nice to meet you! (it’s me, Insurance Girl! heehee)
Kylas last blog post..Once, she was unknowable.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Mrs. Flinger says:
You better damn find me in Seattle. Or I will hump your leg raw. Damnit!
I love you. XO
Mrs. Flingers last blog post..When You Take Swag Too Seriously
July 21st, 2008 at 5:37 pm