I just got home from a funeral.
Despite what the first three letters of the word may indicate, funerals are never fun. This one was especially sad and just…WRONG. Going to the funeral for a young, vibrant 20-year-old is something that just shouldn’t happen. It is out of order of how life should be.
I have put off writing about it because ever since I got the news I feel like I have been holding back a huge dam of emotion with a wall made of toothpicks. I don’t mean to take this and turn it into something that is about me, but this has evoked some powerful emotions and very painful memories for me.
I never met the person whose service I attended today. He was the son of my long-time OBGYN, Dr. Mark D. Heiner, who relocated to North Carolina about a year-and-a-half ago. His name was David and he was a Sophomore in college. You should have heard the lovely things that were said about him at his memorial. He just seemed like an amazing young man. Passionate, bright, and above all-very kind and loving. He was visiting his family in North Carolina and was swimming with his brothers at their country club pool and he was found at the bottom of the pool. After several days it was determined that his brain was not functioning, he was removed from life support and passed away on June 18th.
Today would have been his 20th birthday.
I know it may seem a little strange to go the the funeral of the son of your doctor, and to have such sorrow about it, but you don’t know Dr. Heiner. He has been my doctor since 1995. He delivered all three of my boys and brought all of them into the world kindly and safely. When I had a massive blood clot after Christopher was born, he diagnosed it over the phone and told me to get to the emergency room immediately. It saved my life.
I consider him more than a doctor. He is a friend. He is the kindest and most HILARIOUS man. I swear most of the progress made during my labors was because of the hysterical laughter going on in the delivery room. He once told me to schedule my yearly checkup in the winter because they are gray and boring. He is just wonderful.
When my little Matthew was born, Dr. Heiner was one of the first people to see him. That fact ALONE would be more than enough to make him a very special person in my life. He was the one who told me that he had red hair. Being a redhead himself, Dr. Heiner piped up, “You realize this means he is going to be a genius, right?”
When Matthew passed away and I was writing his obituary, I included Dr.Heiner. Matthew’s life was so short that there were not many people who made a significant impact with him outside of family and friends. He came to bug’s funeral and he was very helpful to me when I was dealing with the enormous fallout that happened because of Matthew’s death. He was non-judgmental, loving and wise.
It was very sad to know that he and his beautiful family are going through such a horrible loss, knowing what I know. I waited a very long time in the receiving line to see him and his lovely wife. I recognized the looks on their faces and I just cannot express how my heart hurt for them. For what they have been through and for what is ahead of them.
You would think that someone who has had a son die would know better what to say, but I didn’t. Even those who have lived through it are at a loss of what to say in the face of such awful tragedy like this. So? I just went on instinct, and I hugged both of them and told them how very sorry I was and how I had been thinking of them. There were some tears. There was also a good deal of laughter. (I know that also may sound strange, but honestly, it’s how I deal with things like this and besides, Dr. Heiner started it!)
I am very grateful that they had 20 years of memories that they can hold close to them. I envy that. I know that probably sounds petty of me, and some of you may wonder how in the world anyone could envy people who have had such a huge loss, but I would give anything to have had more than 4 months with my little bug, to have seen what kind of man Matthew would have grown into, even if it meant ultimately saying goodbye.
However, Dr.Heiner said something very profound during the eulogy. He said that even if he had known David would pass away at 20, he would have had him again in a heartbeat. I feel the same way about my little bug. Even though my time as his mother was so very, very short, he was absolutely precious. I would do it all again without hesitation.
Above everything, the sentiment that was expressed time and time again during the service is how each person would give anything to have more time with David. Things like this are so difficult but they are also needed to put life into perspective. To value what you have. To hug those you love a little tighter and give thanks that they are still here and safe.
So? What are you waiting for? Go tell someone you love them.
Sra says:
That’s a very nice post, Loralee.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
She Likes Purple says:
This is beautiful, Loralee. Thank you for this today.
She Likes Purples last blog post..Bad Smells And Gas
July 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Christine says:
Oh, Loralee…I blurve you!
Christines last blog post..Early Bird Special
July 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Christine says:
By the way, sorry for stealing that word…I don’t remember who first coined it here. It’s a rockin’ word.
Christines last blog post..Early Bird Special
July 1st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
loralee says:
Bluve was coined by Backpacking Dad (Who I totally BLUVE, too!)
I don’t think he’ll mind. ;)
July 1st, 2008 at 4:59 pm
sizzle says:
I’m very touched by this post and my heart goes out to your friend/doctor. I agree that even though too many loved ones leave this life too soon, I wouldn’t change knowing them (I’ve never had my own kids so I can only imagine).
Losing someone can really bring the important things of life into focus. It’s too bad we can’t always hold onto that feeling of what MATTERS, you know?
sizzles last blog post..Let’s Have Some “Closure”
July 1st, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Angella says:
I’m just weepy. Hugs to you and yours.
Angellas last blog post..Like A Frog In A Blender
July 1st, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Loralee2 says:
Twenty years to have your child here with you, to love him and then gone. OMG! That POOR family. I just can’t imagine.
What a horrible, horrible waste. I will put good thoughts in the universe for your Dr./Friend and his family. I CANNOT even slightly imagine what they could possibly be feeling right now. NO parent should ever, ever outlive his child.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Kerri Anne says:
It’s always amazing to me that even after suffering a loss you never ever know what to say to another who has lost a loved one. Not really. Just like you said. Thinking of you, and Dr. Heiner and his family tonight.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Amber says:
I don’t think you have to know someone who dies to really feel the sense of loss. One of my favorite college roommates recently lost her 12-year-old daughter and even though I never met her, I mourned greatly with them.
Ambers last blog post..Proof that my mom is counting down the days until my trip home to Canada next week
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:18 am
SparklieSunShine says:
This post was so beautiful and heartfelt. I’m going to be hugging my loved ones etra tight today.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..The Results Are In!!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:34 am
Connie says:
I am so touched by your compassion.
I love you Loralee!
Connies last blog post..A Blog Tour…
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 am
Camille says:
Thanks for the bit of perspective. I am having my family visit me up here right now, and I feel like I need to cherish this time even more than I normally would. Not get bugged by long showers and showing up late to the Canada Day parade. Thanks.
Camilles last blog post..I’m Havin’ Fun. {So Sue Me.}
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 am
anon says:
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July 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Anonymous says:
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July 2nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
4 says:
You did a very brave and loving thing attending the funeral. And you’re absolutely right, there are not words, but you’re being there, you know, was the most powerful word of all. Love!
Brava!
4s last blog post..Andy Mckee - Africa - Toto - http://www.candyrat.com
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
jess says:
dr. heiner doesn’t know me from adam, but he broke my water when i was in labor with jenna. he was the doctor on call that night and while i don’t remember what time it was, it was sometime between 2-5 a.m. ungodly.
i followed this saga mostly on facebook and on the blog they set up and i was devastated for them. i wonder if ob-gyns know just how much they mean to moms.
jesss last blog post..join me - support morgan bowen for congress
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
andi says:
Damn it, woman! Stop making me cry!
This was a beautiful post. I’m off to go on an insane hugging rampage now.
andis last blog post..Logic has no place in preschooler conversations
July 5th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
180/360 says:
This was a really touching post, Loralee. I think most parents would find it unimaginable and heartbreaking to lose a child, but I just know that you would be such a comfort to a family dealing with that kind of loss. :(
180/360s last blog post..Travelogue: Fairbanks, Alaska ~ June 2008
July 7th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Danielle says:
You make cry so often. You words are so genuine and heartfelt.
I am sorry for the loss of David. And, as always, for Matthew.
Bluv…
Danielles last blog post..Dmitri
July 10th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Di says:
That was beautiful. I didn’t know David, but I had several friends who did. I heard no bad things about him and his death was a tragedy in every sense. But his life was amazing.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:04 am