You would have been five today.
I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair.
Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about.)
EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces.
I still have all your little things in boxes. They came with us.
I still carry your memory in my heart.
More than anything, I just wish you were here.
Our lives were ripped to pieces when you died and left us.
I’ve been putting it back together piece by piece (some days it still feels like I have millions of pieces to go) but it will never be the same. It’s like a piece of priceless pottery that has been broken and repaired. Even the finest and best repair is still just that-a repair.
It will never be put back the way it was before it was broken.
I did not handle your death well. No, not at ALL. It has been a very, very hard road to struggle down and I have had a difficult time just staying on it. I want you to know that your momma is doing ok. Slowly, it has gotten better. I’m doing better.
Some days I do feel lost. Sad. Broken. How could I not? I lost YOU. But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.
So, I try.
I’ll keep trying.
Even if that trying really sucks on the scale of comparative success.
More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.
You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.
I didn’t have you nearly long enough.
I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.
You will always, always be in my heart.