Little Bug,
You would have been five today.
Five.
It’s hard to believe that it has been so long since I was wearing unattractive maternity shirts 
and laying for hours in a hospital bed waiting for you to get here.
I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair.
Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about.)
EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces.
I should be spending this summer preparing you to start Kindergarten. Buying you school supplies and an orange backpack. Instead, I have a heavy feeling in my heart as I stare at my surroundings.
We left the only home you ever knew just over a week ago and I have no memories of you here in this new home. You never took a bath in any of these bathtubs, you never napped in any of these rooms.
I still have all your little things in boxes. They came with us.
I still carry your memory in my heart.
More than anything, I just wish you were here.
Our lives were ripped to pieces when you died and left us.
I’ve been putting it back together piece by piece (some days it still feels like I have millions of pieces to go) but it will never be the same. It’s like a piece of priceless pottery that has been broken and repaired. Even the finest and best repair is still just that-a repair.
It will never be put back the way it was before it was broken.
I did not handle your death well. No, not at ALL. It has been a very, very hard road to struggle down and I have had a difficult time just staying on it. I want you to know that your momma is doing ok. Slowly, it has gotten better. I’m doing better.
Some days I do feel lost. Sad. Broken. How could I not? I lost YOU. But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.
So, I try.
I’ll keep trying.
Even if that trying really sucks on the scale of comparative success.
More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.
You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.
I didn’t have you nearly long enough.
I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.
You will always, always be in my heart.
Love,
Your momma.
Filed under: 
Why did I have to read this at work?? Sure hope nobody comes in before I fix my face.
I hope you continue to keep healing. Thanks for sharing your story and how you feel about your little guy. It really helps me to keep a perspective and the gratitude I need to be a better Mom, to really enjoy every moment.
Heather B. -good plan, lots and lots of diet coke. Take me away Diet Coke.
Happy Birthday to you little bug.
Mellys last blog post..Incredably stupid, but true.
My throat is tight and I’m crying again.
He is so deliciously cute.
I also bluv you, Loralee. Whether or not you think so, you ARE strong.
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
My throat tightened up and I am crying again.
He is so deliciously cute in these pictures.
I bluv you, too, Loralee. And whether or not you think it, you ARE strong.
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
I’m so happy that he brought such a bright light into your life. I’m also so sorry that the light was extinguished far too soon. Thinking of you while you’re going through this terrible time.
andis last blog post..More mouses in my houses
Just a simple “I know” today instead of a simple “hello”.
You’re in my heart….now, let’s get some hedgehogs in your tummy.
XO
4s last blog post..Showing a little teal
I’m so sorry for your loss. My youngest was born in 2003 and will be starting kindergarten. I can’t imagine life without him. I can understand why you’re still grieving. Thanks for the beautiful post. Good luck
:( You are in my thoughts.
Sterkworkss last blog post..I’ll Take Her Leftover Boobs
That was sweet, Loralee. Having children is one of my life’s greatest fears. I don’t know if I will ever be able to brave it.
I hesitate in commenting on this blog. By reading your sweet tender honesty about the loss of your son I feel like an intruder to your soul.
What a precious post. To get so choked up by reading a post from someone I hardly know can not compare to the heart wrenching feelings you must have had in writing it about your little boy.
Happy 5th Birthday sweet little one!
Hugs from OK to you Loralee!
Virtual hugs and warm thoughts for you and your family.
Bluv. Right on. I bluv you too. And handling it well? Overrated. You should never have to handle it at all.
Dawns last blog post..Was this wrong of me?
Oh Loralee, I’m so sorry. Big hugs.
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xo.
Kristins last blog post..What have I done to deserve you?
So sorry for your loss… (The words never seem to carry enough weight.)