Little Bug,
You would have been five today.
Five.
It’s hard to believe that it has been so long since I was wearing unattractive maternity shirts 
and laying for hours in a hospital bed waiting for you to get here.
I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair.
Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about.)
EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces.
I should be spending this summer preparing you to start Kindergarten. Buying you school supplies and an orange backpack. Instead, I have a heavy feeling in my heart as I stare at my surroundings.
We left the only home you ever knew just over a week ago and I have no memories of you here in this new home. You never took a bath in any of these bathtubs, you never napped in any of these rooms.
I still have all your little things in boxes. They came with us.
I still carry your memory in my heart.
More than anything, I just wish you were here.
Our lives were ripped to pieces when you died and left us.
I’ve been putting it back together piece by piece (some days it still feels like I have millions of pieces to go) but it will never be the same. It’s like a piece of priceless pottery that has been broken and repaired. Even the finest and best repair is still just that-a repair.
It will never be put back the way it was before it was broken.
I did not handle your death well. No, not at ALL. It has been a very, very hard road to struggle down and I have had a difficult time just staying on it. I want you to know that your momma is doing ok. Slowly, it has gotten better. I’m doing better.
Some days I do feel lost. Sad. Broken. How could I not? I lost YOU. But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.
So, I try.
I’ll keep trying.
Even if that trying really sucks on the scale of comparative success.
More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.
You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.
I didn’t have you nearly long enough.
I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.
You will always, always be in my heart.
Love,
Your momma.
I’m going to swear, because it’s late and I’ve had 3 glasses of wine.
Holy fuck, Loralee.
Whatever the blog-equivalent of love is, that’s what I, you.
That might just be the wine talking, or it might be because I’ve been thinking about Tanis (The Redneck Mommy) and her son all day. She calls him “Bug” too.
I’m going to coin a term: bluv. I bluv you.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Tired now…where’s the wine?
no words… hugest loves to you, sweet lady.
*sniffle*
xx
sarah beans last blog post..A Bean in a Snitt.
My heart . . . hurts right now. My throat is tight and burning.
Your soul is so bare and honest. I can’t imagine but your words take me close enough that I’m in tears. I’m so sorry that this was a trial you were faced with.
I pray you have an extra sense of peace and comfort today.
oh…there are tears. i can’t even imagine. thinking about you today. you and your little bug.
(can i ask how he died or is that wrong?)
natalies last blog post..Giving away a little bit of Turkey
I know your pain, I know your longing, I know your guilt feelings (however misplaced), and I also know that it gets better with time…
I’ve spent 38 years wondering what I did wrong. All the people telling me that I did NOTHING wrong, didn’t help. Only time and God’s loving mercy have helped me. May God and His love be with you and your family always!
Sharons last blog post..7 Days Without Posting Makes One Weak….
What a tender post. Such a sweet little fellow.
calicobebops last blog post..Lost lols… The Finale
I can’t spend too long imagining what that’s like because I suddenly can’t breathe. I’m so so so incredibly sorry for the loss of your little bug.
kristis last blog post..Woo Hoo Yee Haw Yippeee Kiyayyyy! (How does one spell Cy-yay?) and alternatively, I Love You Mostly For Your Cupholders
It sounds like Bug had a wonderful home and a loving family during his short life.
Hugs.
Nats last blog post..Me and my blood pressure
As you are in my heart.
Anniversaries are so painful.
witchypoos last blog post..Boring Birthday
large, squishy cyber hugs. my heart is heavy for you today too. I’ll hug my own children a little tighter.
heathers last blog post..Fun With Fabric
I can’t see the screen from the tears in my eyes.
You’re an amazing woman and I’m in awed over how you have put the pieces back together, cracks and all.
Much love to you and your family today.
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I Just Lost 5lbs on a Walk by Crapping in My Pants
I know this time of year sucks hard core for you. My thoughts are with you. Lots of love!
glittersmamas last blog post..My Current Favorite Pictures of Glitter
I am with backpacking dad. I too bluv you.
This was a beautiful post and it made my eye well up. You’re going to be in my thoughts today.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Trip to the Bravo A-List Awards
What a beautiful and sad post. Good luck today.
Janssens last blog post..I Love Food
I will never forget the last time I held him. He was getting so big I remember thinking, “This kids gonna be a linebacker someday”. He was such a bright spot in all our lives. I miss him so much.
Oh, sweetie. I do not know your pain, but I do know that you are stronger than I could be.
Love you.
Angellas last blog post..Need Cards For BlogHer?
Happy Birthday Bug!
Bridges last blog post..i’d like to dedicate this to bridge and al OR will someone ring the gong already??!?!
The only thing I can say is I love you Honey.
Love to you.
That was a lovely post- I can tell how very much you loved and still love your son. You are in my prayers.
Carries last blog post..I am going to lose my mind if it doesn’t stop raining soon!
Aw, Sweetie, hugs and much love to you.
Thank you for sharing these photos of your sweet boy; I wish I was looking at photos of him at five years old.
I am so sorry.
Christines last blog post..Getting to know me, getting to know all about me…
Oh crap L..I am so sorry…
There is nothing really to say except HOLY SHIT LIFE REALLY SUCKS AND THINGS LIKE THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN AND GOOD PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HURT SO DAM MUCH
I am tired of pain….tired of pain for people like you, me and all the others who live with this stuff..
Oh my friend,
Every September 14th, I awaken and feel the anticipation of Doug’s arrival. Our first. Three tries it took to have this baby, and although he was coming early, he was strong, full of spirit and ready to be welcomed into our world.
He would have been 18 this past fall. He would have given me a run for my money as a young mother; I’d have been 24.He’d have given me gray hairs as a teenager. He’d have been ready to strike out on his own.
Instead all I remember is he lay in my arms, exhausted from his journey. He looked clearly into my eyes; my soul and said “Please Mom, I can’t do this, I am not strong enough”. He looked into his dad’s eyes and said; “Dad, I am not strong like you. Please take care of my Mom. Promise me you’ll tell her this was not her fault.” He fought, good god he fought. But, he was right, he was not strong enough and he was not ready. And as silently as he entered the world, he left.
I, like you am blessed to have two amazing children who blessed us years later. I love them fiercely and completely; sometimes too much as I try to make up for the love that I had to give to another. Our family is amazing and strong and we have fought battles together, we have enjoyed pleasures together, we have cried, laughed, oh, how we have laughed and we have loved. But most importantly, we have lived. Over my bed, I had an artist paint: Love, Laugh, Live. And everyday, especially as I fight my own battle right now, it has a new meaning. Perhaps my lad was not strong enough but for him, I am trying to be stronger still.
My heart aches for you this day. I know and feel the sorrow and the emptiness. I know the anger and the hopelessness. But I also know the love, the joy and the blessing of having my children with me and a husband who loves me. I have to believe that on days like yours today, that my friend, would make your precious son so very proud of you. Your strength and love inspire me Loralee. I am at your side to lean on should you need to lean today.
with my kinship heart,
4
4s last blog post..This Woman’s Work- Kokopelli Choir
I’m rather new here so I had no idea you’d been through such tremendous loss. Saying how sorry I am is probably trite but. . . my heart goes out to you.
I’m thinking of you and your brood, Loralee. Rarely do I tear-up while reading posts, but this one took me there. Thank you for sharing such a difficult experience–and through such beautiful words and photos.
You are a toughie…a soft toughie.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
The Over-Thinkers last blog post..Monkey See, Monkey Do, I love Vegas, How ‘Bout You?
You are such a great woman. You have come so far through so much and I admire your strength. Know I love you and am sending prayers your way.
Happy Birthday Matthew.
I’m thinking about you today. And praying for you to get through this day. Matthew had a wonderful mommy for a short time and I’m glad it was you.
Hugs and lots of Love
Julies last blog post..I know it might make it worse, but….
I don’t have anything to offer except to let you know my thoughts are with you and I’m sending you a virtual hug (and I’ll give you a real one next month!).
Jill – GlossyVeneers last blog post..Oh My!
He sure was a cutie.
I am SO sorry for your loss.
Kate
I know what you’re feeling. I do. The pain doesn’t always stay so sharp. The yearning inside doesn’t stay so keen. The memory of the joy you had with him becomes a shell around the pain that protects you from the sharpest parts and blunts its effect. It never goes away. But it is coccooned by love and memory.
Hang in there kid.
lceel ‘Uncle Lou’s last blog post..Better, Thanks
There are no words to express how sorry I am that you didn’t get to know him longer.
Hugs to you.
Jennifers last blog post..Blog Tip Sharing Project 3: Blog Promotion and Social Networking
Thinking of you.
Michelle at Scribbits last blog post..Calisto Pro Home Phone System Giveaway
Hugging you from here, babe.
My thoughts are with you, as always.
Dougs last blog post..How do we protect them?
hugs to you
I always wonder if they grow up in heaven or if they are the same age as the day they flew away from us.
I like to imagine your son and mine, sitting around, tossing a beer back and comparing stories about which mother is more nutty.
I’m thinking of you and your Bug.
He’s beautiful.
(But your hubs hair….facking brilliant.)
Smooches.
Sweet post. But I’m sorry you were in a position to write it.
Ambers last blog post..Ye Olde Stone Temple Pilots
Oh honey. I just want to hug you. I am so sorry. He’s beautiful.
xo
Kimberlys last blog post..75 Things I May Or May Not Be Able To Do
Hugs.
Thanks for including the photo of me holding him. I’m so glad I got to meet him, and hold him, and see his bright red hair.
I was thinking of you, Loralee.
Sending you peaceful thoughts.
Elizabeths last blog post..Under Construction…
Your love for your Bug shines so strongly in the pictures and your writing. Holding you up to the light…
Oh sweetie, I want to hug you right now and enjoy a vat of ice cold diet coke.
Lots and lots of good thoughts to you.
(And stop watching Steel Magnolias!)
Heather B.s last blog post..Overexposure to Awesome
Oh sweetie,
Five is such a big milestone–when so much of his life would have began. Hugs to you during this tough and busy time!
Ambers last blog post..Mile High Mamas Monday–Teetering on Thin Ice
I didn’t realize Bug and Jill were the same age, Loralee. I wish I had something comforting to say! ::big e-hugs::
This was a beautiful post. I’m sorry you have to go through this tough time, on top of everything else your dealing with. Huggs from SLC.
just mes last blog post..First for me
No words…just hugs.
Rachel (Louisiana)s last blog post..I should feel guilty…
Oh I am so sorry. You are stronger than you think. HOw lucky he was to have such a wonderful strong family that loves him still so much. What a blessing
Motherhood For Dummiess last blog post..Child Safety – What You Can Do
I really don’t know what to say except that I think of you often.
Hugs.
Gretchens last blog post..Those are the breaks, kid
Why did I have to read this at work?? Sure hope nobody comes in before I fix my face.
I hope you continue to keep healing. Thanks for sharing your story and how you feel about your little guy. It really helps me to keep a perspective and the gratitude I need to be a better Mom, to really enjoy every moment.
Heather B. -good plan, lots and lots of diet coke. Take me away Diet Coke.
Happy Birthday to you little bug.
Mellys last blog post..Incredably stupid, but true.
My throat is tight and I’m crying again.
He is so deliciously cute.
I also bluv you, Loralee. Whether or not you think so, you ARE strong.
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
My throat tightened up and I am crying again.
He is so deliciously cute in these pictures.
I bluv you, too, Loralee. And whether or not you think it, you ARE strong.
Danielles last blog post..Potty Mouth, Part II
I’m so happy that he brought such a bright light into your life. I’m also so sorry that the light was extinguished far too soon. Thinking of you while you’re going through this terrible time.
andis last blog post..More mouses in my houses
Just a simple “I know” today instead of a simple “hello”.
You’re in my heart….now, let’s get some hedgehogs in your tummy.
XO
4s last blog post..Showing a little teal
I’m so sorry for your loss. My youngest was born in 2003 and will be starting kindergarten. I can’t imagine life without him. I can understand why you’re still grieving. Thanks for the beautiful post. Good luck
:( You are in my thoughts.
Sterkworkss last blog post..I’ll Take Her Leftover Boobs
That was sweet, Loralee. Having children is one of my life’s greatest fears. I don’t know if I will ever be able to brave it.
I hesitate in commenting on this blog. By reading your sweet tender honesty about the loss of your son I feel like an intruder to your soul.
What a precious post. To get so choked up by reading a post from someone I hardly know can not compare to the heart wrenching feelings you must have had in writing it about your little boy.
Happy 5th Birthday sweet little one!
Hugs from OK to you Loralee!
Virtual hugs and warm thoughts for you and your family.
Bluv. Right on. I bluv you too. And handling it well? Overrated. You should never have to handle it at all.
Dawns last blog post..Was this wrong of me?
Oh Loralee, I’m so sorry. Big hugs.
Pantss last blog post..Conversation With My Gay Boyfriend
xo.
Kristins last blog post..What have I done to deserve you?
So sorry for your loss… (The words never seem to carry enough weight.)