**EDIT** To add to the suck, my dishwasher just died a horrible, painful death. Anyone have any recommendations on a really good dishwasher?? I don’t care about it being quiet, I just want it to wash dishes really, REALLY well. Leave me a comment if you have a brand and model you love.
Some of you may have noticed that I am pretty much having the blog equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome. I have been having difficulty “Getting it up”, so to speak. That would mainly be because my life has been a pile of crap lately. I know I am the queen of the ups and downs, but this is a pretty low time. I just haven’t really wanted to subject anyone to it (for loads of various reasons), either in real life or on the internet. I have had some good things happen, but right now, I’m having difficulty appreciating them fully in this state, so I am not even going to try to focus on those in this post, ok? Just know I know that they are there.
So, if you would rather not have rain on your parade, move along. I’m not writing this for pity or sympathy or even kind, encouraging words or earnest comments. I just know that I have been feeling so much and not saying anything about it is making me feel worse and like a big, fat faker.
I get the feeling that if I don’t put some of my thoughts down, I very well may spend the rest of my life in scrubs, laying in the fetal position and smelling really bad due to shower avoidance. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying to be a trooper, I’ve been TRYING to pull myself up by my bootstraps but my usual “Go to” moves aren’t working. As far as troopers go, I am certainly not a super trooper. Sorry, ABBA. I let you down.
Plus, Mothergoosemouse tagged me to do “Six things about yourself” with the twist that the six things have a theme, so this seemed like as good a time as any. So, here you go:
1. I auditioned for a musical yesterday. I really, really, REALLY wanted the part. More than I have wanted anything in years.
I didn’t get it.
I wasn’t really surprised. I really like the composer, but to be blunt-the guy does not dig my voice. He likes sweeter, lighter voices and that? Is not me. I honestly don’t know why I tried. Please don’t get me wrong, he likes me. And he did cast me in something. I’m going to be in a caroling group that he runs every holiday season and I am very excited about it, but this was one of the few roles that I loved, loved, loved down to my toes.
Plus, I felt like crap about my audition. Knowing that he doesn’t care for my type of voice makes it virtually impossible to get a decent audition out of me. I am horrible at auditioning under any circumstances. I hate it. I’ve done hundreds and hundreds at this point and it never gets any easier for me. It’s one of the reasons that I knew that professional things are not for me. I can’t take it. It breaks me down too much and makes me feel like suck.
Even though I know ALL the reasons behind it, can see it all logically, know that it doesn’t mean that I am less of a person, I still haven’t been able to get my heart to figure it out. I was cast as a supporting cast member, but I called and told the assistant director that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch someone else play that role. I’ve never turned down a role in my life, but I just.cannot.do.it.
I never should have tried for it. Not in my current mind set. I just needed SOMETHING good. Something to focus on where I felt like I was capable and could excel.
It really hurts.
2. I am a total hermit lately. It’s getting ridiculous. (See comment about scrubs, the fetal position and shower avoidance). I’ve been trying to get out and about and some things have been good, like my son’s baseball games, but in some areas, it has been a total and complete disaster. (See #1)
3. I feel pretty useless lately. I have no degree. I have no job. Everything I am good at is usually done for very little money or for free. I sing (Sort of) and write about my hoo hoo on the internet, which is nothing to write home about. I am a SAHM, but kinda suck at it. Plus, I have no small children at home. I am not pregnant. Some of you may remember that I thought I was not long ago and I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I’m not.
It all makes me feel so insignificant, wasteful, stupid and useless.
4. I’m moving soon. It’s a long story, but my house is being purchased by a company my husband is a partner in and since it is commercially zoned, they are going to buy it for their business. It is good for both of us and we will finally be able to start building on my lot. Originally, we were going to have the company use our unattached basement and stay put until the house was built, but due to growth, it looks like we will have to move out much, much sooner than expected because they need the room.
So, we will probably be in a rental townhouse for awhile. I will actually have more sq. ft and 3 bathrooms instead of one, so YAY! That is good, it really is, but I don’t do well with change. Little changes, sure! I love them! Must have them!! Bring it on!!! Big changes like moving? Totally different story. I have lived in this tiny house for seven years. It was the only home my Little Bug ever knew, it is the house he died in. As MUCH as I need more space for my family and want to move, this is emotionally difficult for me.
5. Mother’s Day is this Sunday. While I love the boys that I have and do have joy on the day, I always think about the little one I lost. Mother’s Day also kicks off what I have come to think of in my head as, “The Triumvirate”. I have Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and Matthew’s birthday on June 7th. BAM, BAM, BAM! AND then his death anniversary in September. Every year, I say, “This year it’s going to be easier” and yet it isn’t, really. In some ways it HAS gotten easier, it really has. But anniversaries are HARD for me. And this is a big one…Five years. I can hardly believe it. In some ways it seems like a million lifetimes ago and in others, it’s like it was five seconds ago.
6. I am worried about stuff that is going on with my family (Stories that are not mine to tell) and that I’m going to be a big, fat downer and ruin a lot of my relationships from being so withdrawn and so perpetually full of drama and life suck. And yes, I know that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility involved in that equation, ok? I KNOW.
I know that there are things I can do to change things, it just seems like everything I try fails or makes it worse and it’s turned into a big, unmanageable mess.
I just keep hoping to snap out of it. Like NOW.
Sorry for the emotional and negative vomit, but I DID warn you.