**EDIT** To add to the suck, my dishwasher just died a horrible, painful death. Anyone have any recommendations on a really good dishwasher?? I don’t care about it being quiet, I just want it to wash dishes really, REALLY well. Leave me a comment if you have a brand and model you love.
Some of you may have noticed that I am pretty much having the blog equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome. I have been having difficulty “Getting it up”, so to speak. That would mainly be because my life has been a pile of crap lately. I know I am the queen of the ups and downs, but this is a pretty low time. I just haven’t really wanted to subject anyone to it (for loads of various reasons), either in real life or on the internet. I have had some good things happen, but right now, I’m having difficulty appreciating them fully in this state, so I am not even going to try to focus on those in this post, ok? Just know I know that they are there.
So, if you would rather not have rain on your parade, move along. I’m not writing this for pity or sympathy or even kind, encouraging words or earnest comments. I just know that I have been feeling so much and not saying anything about it is making me feel worse and like a big, fat faker.
I get the feeling that if I don’t put some of my thoughts down, I very well may spend the rest of my life in scrubs, laying in the fetal position and smelling really bad due to shower avoidance. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying to be a trooper, I’ve been TRYING to pull myself up by my bootstraps but my usual “Go to” moves aren’t working. As far as troopers go, I am certainly not a super trooper. Sorry, ABBA. I let you down.
Plus, Mothergoosemouse tagged me to do “Six things about yourself” with the twist that the six things have a theme, so this seemed like as good a time as any. So, here you go:
1. I auditioned for a musical yesterday. I really, really, REALLY wanted the part. More than I have wanted anything in years.
I didn’t get it.
I wasn’t really surprised. I really like the composer, but to be blunt-the guy does not dig my voice. He likes sweeter, lighter voices and that? Is not me. I honestly don’t know why I tried. Please don’t get me wrong, he likes me. And he did cast me in something. I’m going to be in a caroling group that he runs every holiday season and I am very excited about it, but this was one of the few roles that I loved, loved, loved down to my toes.
Plus, I felt like crap about my audition. Knowing that he doesn’t care for my type of voice makes it virtually impossible to get a decent audition out of me. I am horrible at auditioning under any circumstances. I hate it. I’ve done hundreds and hundreds at this point and it never gets any easier for me. It’s one of the reasons that I knew that professional things are not for me. I can’t take it. It breaks me down too much and makes me feel like suck.
Even though I know ALL the reasons behind it, can see it all logically, know that it doesn’t mean that I am less of a person, I still haven’t been able to get my heart to figure it out. I was cast as a supporting cast member, but I called and told the assistant director that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch someone else play that role. I’ve never turned down a role in my life, but I just.cannot.do.it.
I never should have tried for it. Not in my current mind set. I just needed SOMETHING good. Something to focus on where I felt like I was capable and could excel.
It really hurts.
Crap.
2. I am a total hermit lately. It’s getting ridiculous. (See comment about scrubs, the fetal position and shower avoidance). I’ve been trying to get out and about and some things have been good, like my son’s baseball games, but in some areas, it has been a total and complete disaster. (See #1)
3. I feel pretty useless lately. I have no degree. I have no job. Everything I am good at is usually done for very little money or for free. I sing (Sort of) and write about my hoo hoo on the internet, which is nothing to write home about. I am a SAHM, but kinda suck at it. Plus, I have no small children at home. I am not pregnant. Some of you may remember that I thought I was not long ago and I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I’m not.
It all makes me feel so insignificant, wasteful, stupid and useless.
4. I’m moving soon. It’s a long story, but my house is being purchased by a company my husband is a partner in and since it is commercially zoned, they are going to buy it for their business. It is good for both of us and we will finally be able to start building on my lot. Originally, we were going to have the company use our unattached basement and stay put until the house was built, but due to growth, it looks like we will have to move out much, much sooner than expected because they need the room.
So, we will probably be in a rental townhouse for awhile. I will actually have more sq. ft and 3 bathrooms instead of one, so YAY! That is good, it really is, but I don’t do well with change. Little changes, sure! I love them! Must have them!! Bring it on!!! Big changes like moving? Totally different story. I have lived in this tiny house for seven years. It was the only home my Little Bug ever knew, it is the house he died in. As MUCH as I need more space for my family and want to move, this is emotionally difficult for me.
5. Mother’s Day is this Sunday. While I love the boys that I have and do have joy on the day, I always think about the little one I lost. Mother’s Day also kicks off what I have come to think of in my head as, “The Triumvirate”. I have Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and Matthew’s birthday on June 7th. BAM, BAM, BAM! AND then his death anniversary in September. Every year, I say, “This year it’s going to be easier” and yet it isn’t, really. In some ways it HAS gotten easier, it really has. But anniversaries are HARD for me. And this is a big one…Five years. I can hardly believe it. In some ways it seems like a million lifetimes ago and in others, it’s like it was five seconds ago.
6. I am worried about stuff that is going on with my family (Stories that are not mine to tell) and that I’m going to be a big, fat downer and ruin a lot of my relationships from being so withdrawn and so perpetually full of drama and life suck. And yes, I know that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility involved in that equation, ok? I KNOW.
I know that there are things I can do to change things, it just seems like everything I try fails or makes it worse and it’s turned into a big, unmanageable mess.
I just keep hoping to snap out of it. Like NOW.
Sorry for the emotional and negative vomit, but I DID warn you.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I’m sad that you’re sad. Sometimes it makes mooshinindy feel better to hear about the good things in her readers’ weeks, so I’ll tell you this: I thought I missed trash day. But Poor Kyle took it out on his way to work. That was really good.
And the play? Is it Les Miserable? Because I would totally understand what you mean, if you didn’t get to play Eponine or Cosette or even Fontine.
That would suck and you would have every right to be sad.
Camilles last blog post..His Actions Speak Very, Very Loudly.
Really, darlin, isn’t getting it out the reason you started (your multiple) blogging in the first place? I hate it when everything gangs up on me. Like lately. I suspect it is because I have been a hermit as well. I need to step out of the pajamas. Maybe I’d have something to blog about too!
Oh, yeah, here we go, it’s all about me again. Hang in there, kid, the first hundred years are the hardest.
witchypoos last blog post..Grammie on my Mind
I think it’s good that you’re writing this. People want to hear what is really happening to bloggers they read, not some made up version of their lives.
I agree with what Katie said. Though I certainly don’t share everything on my blog, I am glad for the times I did like when my hubby got laid off. I was amazed at the outpouring of love and support I received.
And you have the same. We all go through difficult periods but you have oodles of friends and readers who are here to pull you through. You can do it, sweetie and remember you’re loved!
Ambers last blog post..Inquiring Mom Wants to Know: What are your Children Eating?
If the only things you’re good at get done for little or no money, then learn to do something new. Go to school. Seriously. Get a degree. SAHM? Got a computer? Go to school online. Want a change of scenery? Want to get out of the house once in a while? Then start at your local Junior College. There’s only one person who can live your life. You. Take over. Become the person in charge. Don’t just let things happen. It’s your life – live it.
lceels last blog post..100 Word challenge – Eden
We love you. You’re wonderful, even in your suckiness. Sometimes I just need to feel crappy, so I sit down with my pint (or gallon) of B&J’s Brownie Batter and watch every chick flick I own (which takes about 3 days) and just stay in my jammies. Maybe if you stop trying to feel better and just thoughtfully feel what you feel, it will resolve itself. It’s been my (extensive) experience that emotions will do that if they are acknowledged and accepted for what they are. Anyway, just soemthing to chew on. I’m praying for you and hoping that your mean reds fade to blues and then dissolve to happy, mellow yellows.
Blazing Goddesss last blog post..The Joy of Exercise and Healthy Eating(aka,The Big Lie of the Fitness Industry)
I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. I agree with the above commenters – I totally think it’s therapeutic to get it all out there.
Also, though, I agree with lceel. I was in a monster funk awhile back and I let myself wallow. Then I decided to do something that made me feel happy and worthwhile. I failed, but I’m surprisingly not upset about it – I’m just happy I put myself out there.
When we stop trying our life ceases to have meaning and we lose our chance to achieve real happiness. Please don’t stop trying, my friend.
andis last blog post..Keeping you in the loop
I found you through Sarah’s blog.
Not to make you feel worse, but thank you for sharing your emotional vomit.
I, like you, tend to become a hermit when I am down or having a really tough time.
When I read that other people deal with shit too – it just makes it seems not so lonely or depressing.
I am sorry for everything you are dealing with – one of those in itself would be enough to do me in. But especially I am sorry for your loss of your son. I cannot even imagine how difficult that must be for you. And truly I don’t think it every gets easier, as much as it just gets different.
I know you didn’t write this to get support or encouraging words or anything – but I was so touched by it all I would not feel right leaving without giving at least a “hang in there”…
so, hang in there.
I know you don’t want any words of encouragement, but it sure seems like you’re getting a lot of them. I hope it felt better to just get that off your chest. And the moving? That just plain sucks, whether you in a good place or a bad place — I’m going throught it myself right now, without the emotional attachments you have to my current abode and it still feels overwhelming. I read an article a couple days ago that talked about how blogging is like group therapy for a lot of people, and I believe that’s true. So, just know that your “group” is here whenever you need us.
Oh, and p.s. If I ever put on a musical, I will so cast you in the lead!!
Jill (CDJ)s last blog post..Friday’s Feast
((hugs))
I know posts like this suck to write because you don’t want to bring other people down, but I think it is so helpful to write this stuff out.
I’m sorry you have so much to deal with and have been feeling so down. You know I am around if you want to get everything out to an impartial third party. :)
I am sending much love that way.
angelas last blog post..It’s The Little Things
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I could give you a bunch of suggestions and words of encouragement and all that jazz, but then I’d need you to turn around and say all the same things to me. Virtual hugs to you, Loralee.
coolbeanss last blog post..2008 Book Challenge: Only 35 more to go!
So sorry about the audition. :( Caroling will be fun, but I know how much you wanted that role. ((hugs))
hairyshoefairys last blog post..My Nanny Diary
oh no! HUGS!
alis last blog post..some words of wisdom and a very important question
:hugs: here…more in e-mail.
Hollys last blog post..Happy Birthday
Loralee, thanks for doing this meme, especially when you feel so awful. I admire you for getting it all out there.
mothergoosemouses last blog post..Leaving on a jet plane
Look on the bright side LL, a post containing “Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome” and “hoo” “hoo” should garner you all sorts of new readers.
This too shall pass.
Davies last blog post..Because I can
MUAH! Hang in there. At least you didn’t have to add ‘King Sty’ to your meme.
If you need it, I’m always up for sushi…and a stroll past the “approved housing for young ladies”. (I say we get some “lightsabers” and leave them on the lawn…BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!)
Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome! I love the analogy!
Sorry you are down. Writing can help sometimes. Thinking of you!!!
Danielles last blog post..My Seester & Me
Me chiming in. I didn’t mean to be off-putting about “No sympathy”. It isn’t that I don’t love everyone or that I don’t need encouragement, I just know that posts like this put a lot onto readers and I h-h-hate having people feel obligated. I hate pity. I think everyone does.
I guess my point of this post and my frustration is that while I do admit to a great deal of wallowing, the attempts I have made to pick myself up and get out in the world aren’t working out so well.
Part of that is there is a lot more things going on that I can’t talk about here, but I will say that I am trying to rethink things, relationships and I’m trying to change a whole lot about my life and while I know (or hope) in the end that it is positive, it is very difficult, confusing and kinda sucky to muck through.
I AM trying, but failing at that audition was just “The straw”.
As for school. Well, I have 420 semester credits. It isn’t like I haven’t been to school. They are just not all in the right places and they are evaporating every year. Three years ago, when Jonathan and I were separated, I did try to go back to school and I failed because I couldn’t hold myself together.
I do want to go back to school some day, but after thinking about it for a long time, I have decided that right now, school is not the right option.
Personally? I want to build my house, and have another baby. (We need to be in a bigger house. When Matthew died he was sleeping on a freaking pallet on my floor because we were trying to figure out how to squeeze a crib into our tiny house. I am still wracked with guilt for that, so I cannot repeat that.
I am not really looking for a solution, because I don’t think that there IS one right now. At least nothing that is a quick fix. I think that part of it is that I have to just keep trying and plugging away. I just needed to vent and hope that it takes a little of the burden off so I don’t feel like such a failure, ya know?
So…There we are.
Loralee, I just want to give you a big hug.
Elizabeths last blog post..Seen it
If you are talking about who I think you are talking about, I auditioned for a roll in one of his shows, sick, and didn’t even get a supporting roll. The first time I EVER auditioned for something I didn’t get! I feel for you! You said you didn’t want words of encouragement, so, I won’t give any. Ben and Jerry’s “Everything But The…” works wonders on your psyche!!!!!
Erin Evans Taylors last blog post..My Blog is Suffering
I don’t pity you. I just love you and don’t like when you are sad :)
I also did not know that your little bug’s name with Matthew. I have an affinity for the name (obviously), and it is such a great name. Which makes it pop up everywhere – that must be hard for you.
Sending HUGE hugs to you!
xoxo
Angellas last blog post..Getting Jiggy With It
I just wanted to say that I hate when I get into these funks as well, It is so hard and even harder to climb out of them. Sending love your way!
Heathers last blog post..Modern and Trendy
Dishwasher?
Jonathan – James – Christopher
That model should get the job done, although I am not so sure about the really REALLY well part. That all depends on how convincing you are about never feeding them again.
Seriously, we have had good luck with our Kenmore.
Davies last blog post..Where did that week go?
@Dave
BWAH HA HA HA!
Loralee, you shouldn’t feel bad about anything you write on your blog!!! All us readers love you and you don’t have to apologize about how you’re feeling. I think everyone has their ups and downs (at least, I hope so), but not everyone is lucky enough to have an outlet like you!
Kisses!
Heathers last blog post..A Teenager’s Obscene Letter of Love
I hope things start looking up. And as far as dishwashers go, I have a Maytag and it works wonderfully. My old dishwasher was horrible. But I think increased water pressure has a lot to do with the success of the new one. You know, I never thought I’d one day be discussing dishwasher performance. But I can’t help it. I hate a crappy dishwasher.
Pee,
Most of this “ick” can easily be cured by eating sushi with us. We can go over your staring role in the musical I’m writing for you. The working title is, “An Eternity of Wheat”. It details the life a maiden that inherits 18,000 pounds of wheat from her eccentric mother. The grand finale is a duet with the maiden and eccentric mother, in the vein of Delibes’s Lakme, wherein they rejoice over saving the entire Cache Valley from starvation by serving them a wheat paste gruel.
Love your guts!
O.M.G.
I just sprayed caffeine-free Diet Coke on my laptop.
Can we add an opening Mikado-esque scene that depicts the Chinese buying all the wheat from America???? (You know, since that is what started this whole “Wheat” obsession with mom)
P.S
What does Nooncy know about dishwashers? You know that she is better than consumer reports.
Can I ever empathize with you, on many levels. I am battling this horrid disease that robbed me of having another child once. I am fighting tooth and nail most days, but today sitting under the radioactive waves that are coursing into my body, I wondered if maybe it would be easier to let go. Mother’s Day is tough for me, as it is for you. My children made each year the very best that it could be; except someone was missing ~ our firstborn. And like you, anniversaries about do me in; September for me is always a challenge. And this week as I have not made it off my knees in front of the toilet praying to Ralph, I wonder if it mightn’t be easier to simply drift off.
Now, I won’t get all preachy and religious on you…definitely not my style especially these days, but I have to believe that our success is not measured in degrees or job titles. I have to believe that our lives are measured by things we do. And while I don’t always do “right” or “enough” I am a firm believer in effort. Our lives matter if we touch someone’s heart, or meet someone’s gaze and make them feel less alone in this screwy world. Our lives matter if we take the time to share success and failure and even laugh about it.
That being said…today, you have touched my screwy world. You have made me realize that we all have our share of “shit” and that my temporary pitfall is going to end. (likely in time for the next major calamity but that’s how I like my mayhem). And if we took more time to admit our weaknesses than trumpet our strengths, we might actually make a connection or two.
So, keep your scrubs on if you need to, the fetal position is comfortable, sing your heart out ~ he’s only one opinion, and go buy a Bosch dishwasher. You’ll never buy another one.
Thanks for sharing. You have made my day a little brighter knowing that I am not the only mom who feels this pang around this time. I’m gonna hang around for a while. You?
4s last blog post..No big c…just one big A
Hey, Friend! Sorry about not getting that fun part. As we say in kindergarten, poopyhead. :(
BTW, did you know I graduated from college when I was 38 years old? Yup. With I don’t even know how many credits because I kept changing majors during my younger years. You’ll do it eventually.
On to dishwashers…I hate buying appliances because what a giant waste of money for something that isn’t even cute! That said, I LOVE MY NEW BOSCH DISHWASHER! For one thing, it makes my dishes sparkling clean, which is a big change from the old dishwasher. But the best part? It’s pretty inside! When I open it in the morning, it isn’t dingy and grey. It’s shiny, silvery metal and it always looks clean and bright. LOVE IT! We’ve only had it a few months, but I still have to peek inside every day just to make sure it’s still shiny and new, even if I don’t plan to do anything with the big stinkin’ pile of fun in the sink…
Life always kicks you in the balls. This has been the worst luck year for me – In January I broke a hotel bathtub, in February my 1-month old cell phone suddenly stopped working, and in March I had a car accident. Then April came and suddenly… halleujah! No bad incidents! But just when I thought I was in the clear, along comes May 8th and the sudden message on my computer screen “A fatal error has occured. Beginning physical dump of memory.” In short, the used computer I bought in January died as very quick death (another post to go in <a href=”http://dougsrantsraves.blogspot.com/2007/11/history-of-violence.html” A History of Violence , I suppose), but instead of crying, screaming, or even throwing the f-ing computer through the window, I merely laughed. Hard. So hard I threw up. And then I went out and bought myself a new laptop today. Take that, stupid life!
Dougs last blog post..Doug’s tips for cheap living
Oh, Loralee, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down lately. Having been there many times myself, I know there’s not much I can write that will change the way you feel, but I will say this (okay, I’ll QUOTE this, as I’m not nearly clever enough to have originated it):
It’s never too late to be what you could have been.
Alecias last blog post..Frustration in a can
Oh dear. I’m right there with you and even though it might be good to hear that others are having a shitty time, it probably doesn’t help things much.
You’ll be happy (or amused) to know that the other night someone from Utah tried to get me to come to Utah. I said No, but it’s the thought that counts.
Heather B.s last blog post..Guess who wants Typepad for Mother’s Day
Well, sorry. Wish I had some awesome words of wisdom and encouragement for you, but all I can do is say, damn, that sucks and I’m sorry. But hang in there, and keep writing and we’ll keep reading.
pgoodnesss last blog post..Nice day
Okay, well, I just fell in love with you. First to find out you also have the ginormous boobies, now that you too feel safe enough in your space to BLAAAAAH out what feels suck inside.
You. Me. BlogHer. Zoloft. Stiff drink(s).
Dawns last blog post..Mommy uniform – summer edition
Yeah.
We really are quite the pair, huh?
You’re right…sometimes it just sucks.
Christines last blog post..Dream House
I wish I knew what to say. Is it too cheesy to say, “I hope things turn around soon”?
Cause I do, you know. Hope they turn around soon. Otherwise I’ll have to send you some Anise candy.
Gretchens last blog post..Happy Birthday, My Boy.
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