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I know that parents cannot oversee everything that their children do. I also know that their are things that adults enjoy that are big no-no’s in the kid department and despite precaution, kids WILL NOSE AROUND and find those things.
I have some guilty moments in this area.
Years ago, at a hideously early hour of the morning, my brother-in-law came over right after I got out of the shower. I stumbled into the kitchen in a robe and mumbled a ‘Hello’, to him and went to the fridge. My kids were in the living room making a ruckus, when my son said, ‘MOM! We’re playing with lightsabers!!”
“Ok”, I mumbled back without looking, thinking that they were playing with the lightsabers we got them for Christmas.
My brother-in-law started laughing his head off.
“NO, Loralee! They really ARE playing with some INTERESTING ‘Lightsabers’”
I turned around and about died right there on the spot.
Seems like while I was in the shower, my nosy boys found “The naughty drawer” of our nightstand and took two of its more interesting items out from it to play “Star Wars”. I guess I can understand how they mistook them for lightsabers, although the last time I checked, Luke Skywalker never owned a hot pink lightsaber with rotating glitter beads in the center.
I have never lived it down and frankly, I’m not sure that I ever SHOULD.
So? I don’t usually cast stones at people. I know that stuff like this happens sometimes and kids see and hear things that they shouldn’t.
BUT.
There are times when things like this are not just cases of slipping up. What do you do when your child is friends with someone who is chronically unsupervised by their parents?
I was helping Christopher with his Wolf merit badge for cub scouts and there was a section on being courageous. We talked about what courage meant and then we talked through some scenarios that involved being courageous. One of the questions asked the scout to think about something they have done that requires courage.
Christopher looked down at the ground and said, “Well…I don’t want to say it, Mom. You will get real mad.”
That isn’t a very good sign.
Here is the thing. He has a point. About the whole “Me getting mad” thing. Ever since Matthew died, I do not handle certain things with my children well. I can’t stand it when they are hurt, sick, or are in any danger whatsoever. It scares me to death. I do my best to cope in situations like that, but trying to cope with my fear and anxiety in those moments turns into me being “Short” with my kids and they think that means that I’m mad at them.
It sucks.
I have tried to explain my reaction to them and that it is because I am scared, not mad, but they don’t understand. I am trying my best to not react negatively in those situations because it is vital that my kids are able to come talk to me about things. It has not been easy, but it’s starting to get a little better.
This was obviously going to be another test. I told him that it was very important for him to trust me and that I am his mom and it is my job to know things that are important and that are going on with him.
He was still hesitant, but he sputtered it out.
“Well, Randy (Not his real name) was over here and really, really wanted me to go to his house…to…to…look at…P-0-R-N. I told him, ‘No!’”
OMG. MY CHILD IS ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, from what I was able to get from Christopher, Randy looks at p0rn a LOT. Magazines and computer. It is not a one time “Whoops” as far as I can tell. I also draw this conclusion from our previous experiences with him. We have had problems with Randy in the past. I do feel bad for this kid. I may not be the most “Together” parent but this child will be out at 10 pm or later some nights and his parents never seem to come looking for him. Christopher also added that Randy swears and hits him when they are playing out in our backyard a lot.
There is a lot more I can say, but the kid is also only 9 and he isn’t my child, so I will move on to how I handled this tidbit of news.
To my credit, I managed not to scream, drive to this kids house and pound him and his parents into the pavement, or have the blood vessel that started pounding in my head EXPLODE.
I took a breath and told Christopher how very, VERY proud I was of him. I also talked with him about why pornography is harmful, and I told him that he was not allowed to go to Randy’s house again and if he does things like swear and hit my children out in my yard then he is no longer welcome in it.
So.
Here is the thing.
Would you say anything to Randy’s parents?
I have met them before and honestly? Jonathan and I don’t think it would make ONE bit of difference. They live in my neighborhood and while I truly doubt that it would do any good there is part of me that wants to let them know that their lack of oversight is getting their kid into heavy stuff at a really young age and that it came “This close” to dragging my son down with him.
What would you do? Say something? Leave it?
Give me some advice internet.
Camille says:
Oh my. That is a hard one indeed. I have no kids, of course, so I can’t REALLY put myself in your shoes…but I think I would probably tell the parents. I mean…if there’s any chance at all that the kid could get some help, you might as well take that chance, right? You don’t care what the parents think of you, and there may be hope for the little sick-o. (Okay, I shouldn’t call him a sick-o. He is just disturbed, maybe.)
Anyway, I think you should tell them.
Camille’s last blog post..{It’s My Own Fault I Am the Way I Am}
May 7th, 2008 at 10:38 am
justme says:
Wow I have no idea what I would do. How exactly do you bring it up to them and what if the boy gets mad at your son and retaliates (sp?). You definilty did right by talking to Christopher about it and keeping your cool, this does add trust and hopefully he will be able to come to you for other things in the future.
If your comfortable I’d talk to the parents in a non-confronting — pointing the fingers way. But as you mentioned it probably won’t do any good.
justme’s last blog post..Make it stop!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Rhi says:
Yikes. That’s tough. It makes me so sad that Randy has parents who don’t care enough for him to monitor this behavior.
Rhi’s last blog post..Funny, I don’t remember taking drugs in high school
May 7th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Teri says:
OMG. I don’t even know what to say. I like to think I’d call the parents but I’m not sure. I guess maybe I’d consider what I should do for my kid, whether or not the other parents took into consideration this information about their son. I think you telling your son how proud you were of him is so vital. I just wouldn’t have even thought about this before…that poor child.
Teri’s last blog post..Fun for Froot Loopies
May 7th, 2008 at 11:12 am
metalia says:
Whoa. That’s a toughie…though after thinking about it, I agree with everything Camille said.
metalia’s last blog post..Blogging Goddesses+Ethical Dilemma=My Tuesday Night
May 7th, 2008 at 11:16 am
angela says:
Oh. my. god.
Thank goodness Christopher was indeed so courageous and was able to stand up for himself. Nine years old are you kidding? This is unbelievable.
I know this may seem like a stupid suggestion, but have you thought of asking Christopher if he would mind you saying something to his parents? I ask this only because I think the communication you have with your children is so important. Your boys are so open with you and I don’t want that to be damaged. I mean…I don’t want him to begin to keep things from you because he doesn’t want to start anything.
Plus if he feels good about it then when you have your talk he won’t feel like you went behind his back or betrayed after telling you the secret.
I always think it is important to voice your opinion about what goes on with other children to their parents especially when it involves your own children, but if you don’t think they will do anything I hesitate to suggest going to them without Christopher knowing.
It it unbelievable what some people will allow their children open access to. Horrible.
sidenote: Lightsabers? Hahahaha! Nope, not going to live that one down. That doesn’t have to do with bad parenting though. Kids snoop. I remember finding Joy of Sex in a friends parents room at a sleep over when I was 13. That was crazy enough for me.
angela’s last blog post..Finals Week!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:19 am
zeghsy says:
the best you can do is let randy know the rules at your house and let him know he’s always welcome, provided he follows the rules. if the ‘rents won’t do anything, don’t be surprised if nothing changes after you tell them. perhaps some supervised surfing is in order at your house?
zeghsy’s last blog post..irritations for today
May 7th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Danielle says:
Yikes. I agree with Angela- would you telling Randy’s parents embarrass Christopher? Would it prevent him from coming to you in the future?
Do you think there would be repercussions for Randy from his parents that would be… harmful to him…?
Nine years old seems so early to try to deal with this!!! I’m groaning on the inside and my chest suddenly aches.
Danielle’s last blog post..Nighttime Routine
May 7th, 2008 at 11:31 am
hairyshoefairy says:
Holy freakin’ crap! I agree with Angela that you should probably talk to Christopher about it first and tell him you want to talk to “Randy’s” parents so he knows and doesn’t feel like you went behind his back. If it were me I wouldn’t want my kid hanging around that kid anymore at all and all parties involved - including other kid’s parents - should know why, even if they don’t seem to care. At least that way you’re letting them know it isn’t just cuz you don’t like the kid, it’s because what he’s doing is hurting Christopher and he’s your first priority.
hairyshoefairy’s last blog post..Thrilled with Dora
May 7th, 2008 at 11:37 am
mchristensen says:
Advice?
Challenge the neighbors to a duel.
With lightsabers.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Backpacking Dad says:
You say “Your kid has a bright future ahead of him in the porn industry. Probably as a producer or director. He’s also likely to run away from home as a teen and beat his girlfriend. Have a nice day.”
Then you leave a flaming bag of dog crap on their doorstep for them to ignore for days, just like they ignore their kid.
And then I’ll get off my high horse and figure out how my daughter got plastic coathangers into her crib.
Seriously, though, you don’t say anything unless you are worried that their child is in some kind of danger. Once you’ve stopped your son from spending time with this kid that’s all the interference you are entitled to. They live in the world, they are exposed to good parents all the time, in one way or another, and they either cannot or will not change their parenting style. Unless you think their child is in danger, and not in the “will grow up to be weird” kind of danger, then you just can’t interfere.
Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..For the ladies…
May 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
MaryEllen says:
Let Christopher know that you need to talk to Randy’s parents. You can tell him again how proud of him you are, but that in order to help Randy you need to talk to his parents. It is up to the parents to do something,but you need to voice the damage their son is doing. Chances are that is he has it on the computer and access to it in print, it is acceptable behavior in their family. If he thinks hitting is also an acceptable form of expression I wonder what else is going on in the home. You know the soap box I am on and why. If they go to the same school, I would alert the principal to the situation so his actions at school can be monitered, and if necessary let the school be the bigger heavy here. Porn addiction is worse than any drug out there to overcome. As Christopher’s Mom you have the right and duty to protect him from anything within your power. nuf said.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Sra says:
Well if you really don’t think it would make a difference, then you are probably right, so if you want to say something just to make yourself feel better, then just keep that in mind. I’d probably write them a note that said:
“We understand that your parenting styles are different from ours, and we don’t wish to interfere with that, but when the values that you instill in your son conflict with the values that we instill in our son, we will have to draw a line. Your son invited our son to look at porn, and we are not ok with that. Please discuss this matter with your son and let him know that this type of thing is not appropriate to share with his friends.”
Sra’s last blog post..I’ll give you $100 in pirate money if you put ticket machines on the trains
May 7th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Jill (CDJ) says:
First of all, I love that you admitted you have Lightsabers. You’ve got big “buns”, Leia!
But this is a dilemma. It kind of sounds like they wouldn’t care — especially the part about dragging Christopher into it — but what harm will it do if you say something to them? If they choose not to do anything about it, there’s their prerogative. But what if they don’t know, and this becomes the thing that wakes them up to what happens when you don’t supervise your children. This is like an episode of Law & Order SVU waiting to happen and if it will make you feel better about the situation and you’re not worried about damaging your friendship with them (which it sounds like you aren’t), then I say you should do it. Somebody needs to let them know what theire kid is doing, why shouldn’t it be you?
Of course, take this with a grain of salt. My oldest is 3 1/2 so I haven’t had to navigate anything like this yet (but holy moley am I dreading it!), so it’s entirely possible I don’t know what I’m talking about
Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..New Post at Slave To Target
May 7th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Jonathan Merchant says:
When I saw the title of your post, I knew it was going to involve the scouts, and I’d be willing to put money on which kid it was (there’s 2, but only one I think would do something like this)…
My wife had a hard time dealing with him, and I’ve nearly sent him home a few times.
This is why we have a standing rule about not going into anyone’s house, unless they ask us first. We can only guarantee what happens in our house and not others. So unless we know them real well they are outside only (and now that I know about your dirty drawers I’m taking your house off the list…hahahaha).
Alex is like that too though, he’s a very modest boy and very aware of modesty, and I would hazard a guess he would do the same thing.
Give Christopher a high-five for me, and start bringing him to more pack meetings!
Jonathan Merchant’s last blog post..Is that lemon in your soup?
May 7th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
witchypoo says:
I would ask them (both)if they are aware of the child’s surfing interests. At least they would have the option of not allowing those sites, or restricting computer use. Of course, that would mean they would have to be home. Or give a rip. And the father might be mad that the kid exposed his own porn sites to the scrutiny of the wife.
Restating it: If I was the parent, I would want to know.
witchypoo’s last blog post..The Opiate of the Masses
May 7th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
SparklieSunShine » Blog Archive » Head Under Water says:
[…] people. There are too many people with children who don’t deserve them (case in point: the recent incident Loralee had with neighbors who allow their 9 year old access to porn) and good people who are having such […]
May 7th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Erin says:
Being a parent, I know I would want to hear about this myself (so my child could be grounded for the rest of his childhood). Even though you don’t think/know whether the parents care, I would still tell the parents, and I would start the conversation just like that: “I would want to know this if it were my child, so I thought you might like to know too…” Good luck!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Jamie says:
Good for your son for being brave and assertive and telling you the truth. I cannot GET OVER that kid. Oh my gosh that is horrific! Looking at porn when you are EIGHT YEARS OLD? Aren’t boys supposed to be playing with Matchbox Cars at that age?
Well, I don’t know as far as what to say to the other parents. That’s a tough call but I do think they need to know. Wouldn’t you want to know? They can put a block on adult sites or choose to monitor his Internet use (God I hope he doesn’t have a computer in his room.)
My 5-year-old daughter has a friend who is 7 and I just get a bad, bad vibe from the kid. She is mischevious and I don’t trust her at all but it’s on a very innocent non-porn level. Gah.
And the fancy lightsabers? Snort!
May 7th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Katie says:
wow. OMG. just wow. that’s one of the most disturbing and unbelievable things i’ve ever heard. i think you should tell the parents, just in case they don’t know. porn at that young of an age is incredibly damaging to that child (well, i think it’s damaging to anyone at any age! but ESPECIALLY a child!). i know people who struggle with sex addiction in very destructive, life-altering ways, and looking at porn at age 9 seems like a pretty good indicator of future problems.
Katie’s last blog post..break
May 7th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Jen says:
Wow that is crazy. Kudos to your son for NOT going along with this kid, and for being brave enough to talk to you about it, even if he was afraid you’d be mad. As for what to do… I really think I would tell his parents, even if I didn’t think they’d do anything about it. I think I’d always wonder if I could have helped… and really, you never know, maybe they’re in such denial about what they’re doing to their son that maybe this will finally get their attention?
Jen’s last blog post..we’ve got curb appeal now, baby
May 7th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
raygon says:
oh…i dont envy your situation at all. I just did a post about this same subject, but nothing close to the problem with nasty magazines and websites. Hooray for your son! You should be so proud of him for saying no!
I would definately call the parents. Just inform them of what happened in a very calm way. Being sure not to blame or look down on their son if you do. He is so young to have those sorts of addictions and problems…imagine what kind of teenager he will become if he does not get help. Maybe your input will be some sort of turning point. I hope. My heart aches for kids like that.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Jonathan Merchant says:
Firefox has a nifty little plugin that will allow you to lock it down - Glubble Family Edition
I recently installed this because at the age of my oldest, and others that come over I don’t like unlimited access on the internet. We also locked down the computer at my mother in laws house for just such issues.
But more than that, I think it takes active roles in the kids lives to explain to them why it’s bad, not just you can’t do that and end it. They need to understand why.
Vista also has built in parental controls (not sure which versions) but you can set this up too, and then set up white/black lists (for the internets).
You can find more info here: Parental Controls”
Jonathan Merchant’s last blog post..Is that lemon in your soup?
May 7th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Katie says:
I’m going to deviate a bit from the call/do not call parents debate.
For a nine-year-old boy to be looking at porn frequently is not merely an indicator of his future behavior, it is an indicator that he has already been sexually abused. This type of abnormally early sexual behavior is a very strong indicator of sexual abuse.
Combine that with the other behavior of this child (hitting and swearing, which he learned from somewhere, probably home), the late hours he is out unsupervised, and the fact that he is left alone so much. He is clearly being neglected and probably worse.
Please consider making a call to child protective services or whatever the equivalent is in your state. Sadly, some children need for other people to protect them FROM their parents.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Hecticmom Undone says:
I completely agree with Erin. If my child was looking at porn (even if I was an “absent” parent) I would want to know. Regardless, if the parents are “absent” they certainly still love their kid and probably don’t. And if they do - you need to get them to agree to talk to him about not showing porn to other small children. Whether Christopher wants you to or not. This is a child that is going down the wrong path and that may take kids that are not as strong as Christopher with him.
So, I strongly say tell the parents - you have nothing to lose (except maybe a friendship with the parents - which doesn’t sound likely anyway.) I like the wording of the note above - but do it in person - it will make a much bigger impact.
Know what you want the outcome to be before you talk to them. (You want them to ensure you that their son will not show porn to your son - or even other small kids.) And come away with an agreement on their part.
If they are assholes about it - call child protective services. I’m guessing that showing porn to children (even by other children) is illegal.
You can do this - it will show Christopher that you are courageous too.
Hecticmom Undones last blog post..NIB Returns
May 7th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
loralee says:
@Jonathan
I want to reply to everyone because this is an important topic but my day is CRAZY and since Jonathan knows the child involved I really wanted to reply to this today. (And I need to reassure him that I don’t have “Lightsabers” just laying around my house!). I have been trying to add a plugin that will let me reply in boldface directly on the comments of people but it HATES MY GUTS, so this will have to do.
Our computers are TOTALLY locked down and monitored. This should be no surprise as I am married to the geek of the earth.
And?
After our “Lightsaber Debacle” SO our our toys. NO fear about kiddies finding anything here. I pretty much keep them in Fort Knox. There is no way I am repeating THAT little experience again. Like, EVER.
You are right on the mark about who it is. (I didn’t alter the name all that much.) I also know who option #2 is and they have not been a picnic to deal with either.
I had a long talk about pornography, why it is harmful and we also had a repeat of “THE TALK” (GAH!) and all about loving relationships, etc. etc. etc.
Christopher is a modest little kid, too and I am so freaking proud of him.
P.S.
I know. I have been the loserest mom on the scouting planet. However, we have plowed through a lot of it and he almost has his wolf.
I will try to be less lame in future scouting events. I just SUCK at things like that. Sigh.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
heather says:
YIKES!
I’m guessing that your son would not lie about this kind of thing. Since you have no proof though it is a slippery slope to address it with the other child’s parents, because they could simply not believe you and say that your son was not telling the truth.
However, maybe you should wait until Christopher is invited to play at “randy’s” house again. Use that as an opportunity to talk with Mom/Dad and tell them that Christopher says he has been exposed to the p-word at their home and that is not something you condone so you have asked Christopher not to play there anymore. End it positively and tell them that Randy is welcome to come over and play at your house.
I didn’t read all of the above, so someone else might have said this…
heathers last blog post..Planning & Making Lists
May 7th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
loralee says:
@Heather
Ok, one more comment right now before I run out the door (again, I really want to respond to each of these when I have a minute) because this is important and I am glad you asked about it.
To clarify, Christopher is absolutely not lying.
I am not a mom who sticks her head in the sand about these things and automatically believes her kid. This is a really serious charge, but if you could of seen how ashamed and embarrassed my little guy was to even SPELL the word p0rn and to tell me AND if you knew the kid…Well…I just have zero doubt that it is going on.
The thing I DON’T know for sure is how much is going on.
May 7th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Margaret says:
Proverbs 25:8,9
May 7th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Sarah says:
Dude, what’s wrong with porn? As long as it’s tasteful porn like the midget porn Maddie and I watch…
Sarahs last blog post..Just Another Day
May 7th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Alison says:
I say to say something. Of course be prepared that they will do nothing about it, but at least you let them know. I sure as hell would like to know if my kid were doing that.
I can’t help but think that this kid is going to grow up to be a perv or something even worse. Nip that in the bud right now!
Let Christopher know that you feel it best to tell his parent’s, since it is such a serious thing for such a young child to be doing.
That is tricky though, so good luck and keep us posted on what you decide to do!
May 7th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Charli says:
I would have to agree that calling CPS is a viable option. Though, it may not be abuse, it may be older sibling, an uncle, or even the father that introduced the child to porn.
My heart goes out to you, as I know what an issue this is to you. Go on and have a diet coke- just this once!
May 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Sue says:
Whoa…
I know I’m not a parent, and therefore, may not be as qualified as some to offer my two cents worth, but something has to be said. Whether they choose to do anything about it or not, you need to approach them about it. You’ve done your part. If they choose to be idiots about it, then so be it.
And can I just say, you’ve raised your son VERY well to have the courage and the wisdom to do the right thing.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Invader Trent says:
Tell “Randy” bend over, then give him another crack in the ass.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Elizabeth says:
Oh wow.
I think I’d say something. Just so that they are aware that their son has asked another child to be a part of his… umm… idea of fun? I don’t know how to even describe that?
Elizabeths last blog post..Commenting thoughts and a lot of jarble
May 7th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Toni says:
and I thought I was having an interesting week, with relief teaching last week. My heart goes out to you with this.
From a teacher’s point of view (seeing I am not parent and all) I would say something, even if it means they weren’t going to listen. Sometimes a little comment here and there, can make a difference.
Letting your son know that you are going to say something, would be helpful as well, especially with the awesome communication you guys have. Man, I wish I had children in my classes with the same courage as christopher.
I do wonder though, how many children in are in the same boat with this? makes you wonder what kind of parent would let their child so such things. It’s hard to say whether to give them a heads up on you calling your equilavant of child servies in your area or not? From a teacher’s point of view it’s a tough call. Because in a way it is abuse and neglect of sorts.
and of course this whole comment has gone off on a crazy path. Hope it all gets sorted somehow.
and lightsabers. Totally lovin how honest you are on here. SNORT I am falling of my chair now.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Bridge says:
Lor… as someone who really doesn’t think porn is that bad… I would call his parents. End of story. His parents need to know, and if they KNOW they need to know it isn’t acceptable.
The kid getting embarassed will probably make him not invite anyone else over to view it for a long long time.
Bridges last blog post..Word Dog is 32!
May 7th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
SparklieSunShine says:
Hmm…interesting bible verse selected up there…
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Head Under Water
May 7th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Amy says:
Tough situation! I would tell his parents. I would want to know. I agree that the reason this child has porn may be related to bigger issues but that is just speculation. You would want to know; that parent needs to know.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Nat says:
Call his parents and just let them know. It is entirely possible that this kid is talking out of his rump and was just trying to get a rise out of yours.
If he’s hitting other kids though, this is of greater concern. I’d mention it to his parents that unless his behaviour around your children improve, he won’t be welcome at yours.
Nats last blog post..Can I help you?
May 8th, 2008 at 5:29 am
Sharon says:
As a mother and a retired elementary teacher, I have to comment on this…
The child hitting yours is definitely unacceptable! But the porn thing really disturbs me. I remember confiscating porn magazines from a FIRST GRADER! Called his parent, and they were very embarrassed…
Many of the suggestions seem appropriate:
-talk to the parents (even though it will be uncomfortable)
-continue to talk to your amazing son, let him know how proud you are of his honesty.
-calling Child Protective Services can be done anonymously. This situation could escalate into so many dark areas!
Sharons last blog post..Her Name Should Be Puddles!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:56 am
SparklieSunShine says:
Sorry to keep commenting on this, but I am really interested to hear what you have to say and after reading the other comments CPS doesn’t seem like such a terrible option…alright I promise I am done commenting now.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Head Under Water
May 8th, 2008 at 7:29 am
lceel says:
Little ‘Randy’ needs help - and he’s not getting it at home. He sounds like the kind of kid who, unless he gets better direction, is going to grow up to be a thug and an abuser. Being out after 10 at 9 years old is just unacceptable. Hitting other kids is unacceptable. Inviting other kids over to the house to view porn is unacceptable - and, potentially, a prelude to other, more dangerous activities. I don’t envy you the problem you face. You KNOW what’s going on. The chances are very good that confronting the parents will get you nowhere, except, perhaps, insulted and verbally abused. I would go to your priest/rabbi/confessor and seek guidance. Failing that, I would go to DCFS.
lceels last blog post..On the Way to class
May 8th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Amber says:
I think I might talk to his parents about the hitting, and maybe the swearing, but probably not the porn. Two reasons: First, the hitting and swearing are things you could have witnessed, not necessarily things Christopher would have had to tell you. If Randy’s parents do get on him for the porn, he might be able to guess who ratted him out, and he could start treating Christopher worse. Second, whether or not porn is harmful is very much a personal value judgment, and if the kid has access to magazines, they probably belong to his parents. So if you tell them about it, they may not think it’s a big deal and/or may feel like you’re intruding on their privacy and judging their sexual preferences. Touchy stuff.
It’s an unfortunate situation. Good luck.
Ambers last blog post..Not Recommended
May 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Alison says:
I say that if you do choose to call CPS, don’t talk to the parents! I know it is done anonomously and all, but they could pin it down on you pretty easily if you talk with them first.
I have a friend who had CPS called on her and she was pissed and wanted to know who called. Though the allegations were completely false and this person was out to get my friend. She did figure it out and didn’t do anything, but you never know when someone will.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Holly says:
I don’t think it would do any good. It’d probably get the kid a beating but no real help to stop looking at porn.
Hollys last blog post..
May 8th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Angella says:
I don’t know if I would say anything. If they were good friends, that is different. But if you think it would do no good, then leave it.
Just protect your kids, and you’ve done enough.
Angellas last blog post..Getting Jiggy With It
May 8th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Julie says:
My son was 15 when we found out he was exposed to porn on the computer by a church friend at a sleep over. I don’t care if they are 9 or 15 or 30, it is a big deal to me and to my husband. David called the father of the boy and told him what had happened, but in a non threatening way. We were lucky that we knew the family and knew that they would probably receive what we told them and do something about it. It was sad to me that this happened with a family we know and trust–people that we felt comfortable having our kids at their house.
That is what we did–I know the kid didn’t get beat up, he got help for his “addiction” Unfortunately, my son also got exposed to that crap.
Needless to say, he doesn’t spend the night there anymore.
I don’t know what I would do in your situation. We were lucky we knew the family.
Good luck!
Julies last blog post..You Never Can Tell With Bees
May 8th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Amber says:
I wouldn’t care if the kids was 10 or 20. I would DEFINITELY call those parents because you’d better believe I’d want to know if it was my kid!
Ambers last blog post..My proudest moment as a mama!
May 8th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Jessica says:
So does this “randy” play with my 8 year old who lives in your town?? And secondly, CPS would not come right in and remove him, but they would investigate and try to understand the situation. If you don’t feel comfortable approaching the parents or feel it will be pointless, CPS is a viable option. The issue is that this child is being exposed to a lifestyle that is inappropriate for someone of his age and he deserves to receive help if he needs it.
Jessicas last blog post..Can I Take Your Order?
May 8th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Missy says:
I definitely think you did the right thing with the new rules about the kids playing together.
As for talking to the parents? As you say, it might not do any good. They’re unlikely to thank you for whatever it is you say. Maybe talk to the school, who might be in more of a position to do something about it?
Missys last blog post..I’m There
May 8th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
andi says:
Oh my lord! This sucks on so many levels. (You know I totally laughed my ass off at the light sabers, though.)
I think you rocked this situation. I think it’s important to deal with how it affects your kid and leave the dysfunctional- sounding parenting to the parents of this other child. Like you say, it probably wouldn’t do any good to talk to them. Plus, if you do, this might alienate your son because now he’s a “tattletale”. I’m so proud of him - it sounds like you have an awesome kid there.
andis last blog post..Keeping you in the loop
May 9th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Erin Evans Taylor says:
I have been in a similar situation. I had to tell Eason he couldn’t play with a kid anymore because he didn’t make good choices. I went over to the mom’s house and expressed my concern, in a kind way. She said she just didn’t have the energy to do anything more. Finally, the school counselor was notified, and the family got some help. I think you should talk to the parents, hard as it may be, then notify the school counselor. Remember, this is a child who can be helped now, as opposed to a future predator. Don’t worry about making someone mad, do the right thing, no matter the consequences. And protecting your own child is the most important thing!
Erin Evans Taylors last blog post..My Blog is Suffering
May 9th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Erin Evans Taylor says:
I am concerned by some of the comments I have read here. It seems fear of upsetting the parents is driving many of them. This is a child we are talking about!!! Who is going to protect that child from himself and apathetic parents? Maybe the parents don’t realize the harm they are doing, maybe they need some guidance. Whatever the outcome, if you don’t step up and show some courage, that child may fall through the cracks forever! No, don’t let your child play with him again, but don’t shy away from talking to the parents. As his parents, they deserve to know, no matter how at fault they may be!
Erin Evans Taylors last blog post..My Blog is Suffering
May 9th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Heidi says:
Interestingly enough, yesterday I was at church and our pastor was just away on a conference and it was to talk about a huge ’struggle’ which seems to be ever present these days within our society. It turns out he shared with us some stats on p*#n, and that 75% of men are looking at it on a regular basis. That covers all forms of media, internet, mags, videos…..3 out of 4 men. That is a very high stat. Also….46% of women are accessing it on a regular basis. I was surprised to say the least. I am openminded when it comes to porn (ie: have watched it with hubby) however, he said that the stats show that most people that are accessing porn are doing it on their own, not as something fun to do with the hubby as a pre-cursor to other things. I hope you do get to talk to Randy’s parents and that they understand your heart and listen and not be defensive. These days it is not easy to raise our little ones and have them be secure in this world that we live in. In my opinion 8 is a young age to be exposed to naked bodies and all that fun stuff (!?!?!?!?). Its just too confusing for them.
Heidis last blog post..Happy Mothers Day
May 12th, 2008 at 6:30 am