This is great. I’m so excited about writing on another person’s blog. I can write and say things here that I can’t on my own blog.
Oh, hi. My name is Neil.
You see, my problem is that I’m a man in large pool of female personal bloggers. If I want to have readership, I have to suck up to the women. I support BlogHer! Blah blah blah…
But this isn’t my blog. This is Loralee’s place. I can write this post and let her take the brunt of the criticism. Cause, after this post, I’m out of here, and you don’t know how to find me! Finally, I can be honest about my feelings about women.
If you want to complain, email HER.
1) My first issue is a very important one. Why should men still hold the door for a woman? Isn’t it time to toss this gesture off the bridge? Our next President of the United States might be a woman. Loralee can probably kick my ass. Women are not dainty creatures anymore. Why are we sticking to this ancient piece of chivalry? I can understand holding the door open because I’m polite. But not just because you’re a woman. Eh, who am I fooling. I’ve been trained. Like a dog.
2) Why is Valentine’s Day always about the woman? Candy for the girl. Flowers for the girl. Expensive dinner for the girl. What do the men get? Aren’t we loved, too? Why can’t we get some nice flowers?
3) Why do women need so many shoes? Seriously.
4) Why do women care about their nails so much? I’m going to tell you a little secret. No man has ever noticed or cared anything about your stupid nails. Breasts? Yes. Eyes? Yes. That you laugh at our jokes? Yes. I’ve been married for years. Does my wife even have nails? I have no idea.
5) There are a lot of mothers who write blogs. They’re always writing post about what’s good and what’s bad for their children. Now, assuming you believe in evolution, parents have been around for a very long time. I don’t have the exact figure, but let’s just say there have been MANY parents. Billions and billions of parents. Why haven’t we figured it out yet? Is there really that much new in parenting? Most kids seem to grow up fine, whether or not they get breast fed, listen to Bach, play in the mud, or watch the Simpsons.
6) Finally, I just read on one of Loralee’s pages and learned that she likes Air Supply. I would not have guest posted here if I had that information. Before I guest post anywhere else, please tell me BEFOREHAND if you like Air Supply.
Filed under: 
Regarding your second rant, my husband gives me chocolate and I give him sex. Lots and lots of sex. That is also why he holds the door open for me. :D
This is soooo funny! I like you a lot!
My last boyfriend didn’t believe in Valentine’s Day. Kind of like I don’t believe in soulmates?
Oh, and I love Air Supply too! Also love me some Journey, Hall and Oates, Richard Marx (shh!) and Bonnie Tyler.
Pants’s last blog post..It Might be Time to Give Internet Dating a Rest
I totally agree on the parenting thing. How many ways can the trials and tribulations of parenthood be written before we are all just sick of hearing about it!? I was blogging for a while but I kinda felt like the odd one out – the only non-parent around the blogosphere. It seems as though if you want to fit in you either have to have babies or cute dogs. :(
Of course, I don’t hate mommy blogs at all (most of the ones I read are mommy blogs). I think I’m just bitter! heehehe
:)
Hey Neil!
I think there is a strong possibility that you could have been one of my ex-husbands in a previous life. And I love Air Supply. And Def Leopard.
I have lots of shoes because no matter what size my a@@ is…my shoes still fit!!! This also applies to handbags.
Nails do get noticed. Just ask Joe Longtin, the boy that I let grope me when I was 16 because he said my long, pretty nails were sexy. That was a smart boy….
As far as parenting…if you want to see an example of what happens if you don’t blog about your kids….Britney Spears. If she just took a little bit of time to do stuff with the curtain climbers and then blog about it. Everything would be fine, but no…..
MOMMY BLOGGERS UNITE!!!!!!!
Peace Out!
Connie’s last blog post..My Hubby Watches The Bachelor!
I am a man. I read two blogs by men. The rest are ‘Mommy Bloggers’. The keep it real. They are funny. They are sad. They are wise. They are puzzled. They are mean. They are sarcastic. BUT AT ALL TIMES THEY KEEP IT REAL.
I hold the door for women because I LOVE women. they walk through the door first and I get to stare at some strange butt.
I notice the nails when they scratch my back. It’s just Annie, anymore, but I can still make her dig her nails into my back.
If she needs shoes to feel good about herself, more power to her. because if she feels good, she’s going to make sure that I feel good , too.
Yeah.
lceel’s last blog post..And then we went to windsor
I say, Amen to Iceel! Sorry, but I don’t agree with anything you said on this blog. Of course, I’m a woman, with nails I love to paint red, with a son who holds the door for me- he’s 7, with a hubby who gets tons more than I do on Valentines day, and with lots and lots of shoes!
Erin Evans Taylor’s last blog post..A Big Red Flag!
Heidi — But why no flowers? Do you realize that some of the best gardeners are men?
Pants — Now Hall and Oates is different. I love that song “Rich Girl.” Those guys don’t hold the door for anyone.
Debbie — Right on! Are you single?
Connie — Let me tell you something. Joe Longtin was not interested in your “nails” when he groped you at 16. It’s like when I used to tell girls in college that I loved poetry. Was Longtin his real name, or are you giving us a hint about why you liked him so much?
Iceel — Yeah, I know. Women are wonderful… yeah yeah. You need to suck up to the female bloggers too if you want readers. Let’s IM privately to talk for “real.”
Erin — You don’t agree with ANYTHING I said?! But please come to my regular blog. I love readers like you!
And remember, everything said on this blog is the responsibility of Loralee, and not me. Where is Loralee anyway? Is she on vacation or just busy? Whatever. I don’t take a week off from blogging. I’m not a woman.
Neil’s last blog post..Here’s Our Toilet Seat!
Hi Neil!
1) Hold the door. It’s polite. And you get sex. Your choice.
2) Hmm. Men get sex for Valentine’s Day. *IF* they give chocolate and flowers and candy and niceness. It’s a tradeoff. You decide.
3) Because they always fit. And because people compliment us on them and it’s a self-esteem booster. I don’t know, but when I feel good, I’m more likely to give out sex.
4) Well groomed nails *could* translate to well groomed in other, um, areas. I’m not judging, I’m just saying. May make for a good poll… “Does groomed nails mean groomed areas?” Again, you decide…
5) It’s an outlet. Not to really figure anything out, but to keep from drinking heavily and locking oneself in the bathroom with alcohol and a cigarette, singing the lyrics to Air Supply while shaking. Fosters camaraderie. Helps you realize you aren’t the only one “going through” whatever is that you are going through… and maybe creating the desire for more sex.
6) Confession? I don’t even know who Air Supply is.
Hope the sex part spoke your language! :)
Danielle’s last blog post..Nighttime Routine
Neil,
You are man, hear you roar!
I’m glad you could release your testosterone on my blog. That sounds pervy, doesn’t it?
You need to discuss your blogging liberation with Brenda at your next session, she’ll be so proud.
I apologize for not stating clearly that I heart Air Supply, but I do have a great rack, so maybe you’ll forgive my flaw. :D
I’m on vacation with my family. The kids are on spring break and we’re running here and there and taking a bunch of mini-trips, so I wanted to make sure my blog was in good hands (Wink)
I just check in from time to time to make sure nothing has blown up.
You make me grin.
P.S.
My husband loved your post. Which is amusing because he usually doesn’t care for mine. (He’s also a fan of steak and bj Day, which is the guy’s alternative to Valentine’s Day. You, too?)
For what it’s worth (not much) my husband has more shoes than I do.
Gretchen’s last blog post..The difference of twenty four hours
I’m gonna add that nails are the type of thing that men only notice if there is something wrong with them. Actually, I’ll go ahead and spread that out to women’s beauty in general. Men don’t notice the difference it makes when you take extra time to groom, but they sure notice if you don’t take that time!
My boyfriend actually told me once that I need to grow my nails out longer (I’m a guitar player, and a habitual nail biter). I told him not to count on them ever being long for very long. Now he pretends like it was never a big deal.
Also, when he moved in with me, he had about three times as many shoes as I did. And the fact that I had more than two pairs of shoes at the time was remarkable at all, because when I was a kid, you got one pair of shoes and wore them all year until they wore out. I thought that was normal.
On the chivalry thing: whether or not women and men are equally capable (I believe they are), they are still fundamentally different. They have different needs. Men need women to stroke their egos constantly. So we laugh at your jokes even if they aren’t funny, and tell you you please us in bed even if you don’t, and pretend like you are such a great provider when you cook us steaks once in awhile while we do the rest of the cooking and cleaning. (As with all good stereotypes, these things are generally true, but not always. For instance, in my house, my boyfriend pretty much does all the cooking.) Women, on the other hand, like to feel taken care of and listened to. So men open doors for us and pick up the check even when they don’t want to, and buy us chocolates and flowers even if only to get sex and not because they want to show us they love us, and grunt to acknowledge our venting, even when their attention is really on the game.
It’s a Mars/Venus world, baby.
Sra’s last blog post..Information Overload
This was awesome. You are such an honest breath of fresh air.
:)
Angella’s last blog post..Speaking Of Daisies…
Thanks for the laughs! :D
I loved what Connie said – it’s so true. No matter how big our asses might get, the shoes always stay the same size.
I’m not a girly-girl by ANY means, but I do like a pretty pair of shoes.
Sharon’s last blog post..Week 12
Yeah, I stopped reading her when I learned about the Air Supply thing. That’s just unacceptable.
Erika’s last blog post..How Do You Like Your Angles?
poor neil. i read various blogs, not just mommy ones. thank the good lord i don’t have children. (yet!) i can spoil my numerous nieces and nephews and then send them home. no fuss, no mess.
you open the doors so your arm doesn’t get broken and so you can get some nookie when you get home for being so sweet.
i agree that men make wonderful gardeners. and chefs. but most guys would probably prefer a cold beer over flowers.
nails make us feel pretty. (this is coming from a girl who just got her nails done!)
loralee admits to loving air supply? wait – who is air supply and why should we hiss and boo?
Pink’s last blog post..pink’s pictures
Awesome post, love it!
My only feedback is about the nails. As a lesbo, I am very concerned about my nails, because if they are too long and I am in a relationship, well, lets just say internal injuries might occur.
Sterkworks’s last blog post..Sterkwork’s Articles of Faith
I like mommy-bloggers, holding doors open, shoes, presents (could be shoes!) on Valentine’s Day and well-kept, but not all foo-fooey, nails.
On the other hand, I can’t stand Air Supply. And being that a general hatred toward Air Supply trumps all previous points, making them moot:
I’m pretty sure that means you’re ok in my book.
The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..Sucking in Public
Re your first complaint: Well hey because you opening a door for me is so charming and makes me feel all happy and girly! And then I give you a big smile and say thanks and make you feel all manly! So everybody wins!
Anth’s last blog post..Why Rainbow Is Awesome
Thanks everyone for the comments. I now understand everything. Open the door = more sex.
Neil’s last blog post..Here’s Our Toilet Seat!
Neil,
We should have met AGES ago. You should hold the door because we are more likely to put out for a guy who holds the door. I hate V Day, I own exactly 5 pairs of shoes, and I bite my nails so far down I barely think I have CUTICLES left. I write a mommy blog, but really it’s just about what a horrid mother I am, so I don’t bother to try & offer advice, and I only pretend to like Air Supply in the hopes of getting Loralee to make out with me someday.
Nice to meet you, too. :)
Mr Lady’s last blog post..One of these pictures needs a caption
Neil,
You freaking rock! This post was great.
Funny stuff.
LL2
I have learned that manicured nails are a luxury that fall flat in one day. Now you didn’t mention feet. :grins: I love me a good pedi. Hence I own 3 really good pairs of flip flops and a couple of leather sandals to show off the cute feet.
I open my own doors. If I waited for a man to do anything even give me valentines days gifts by holding my breath? I would be in the guiness world book of RECORDS!
don’t fool yourself thinking men are chivalrous.
melanie’s last blog post..My little family
Guys who complain that Valentine’s Day is all about the women are usually the same ones who give their wives and girlfriends lace teddies and frilly undies as “presents.”
:-)
These are such silly stereotypes. I’m not big on shoes, nails, Valentine’s Day or Air Supply, for that matter. But I definitely think it is sexy when a guy opens the door for me.
180/360′s last blog post..BenderMusik
Neil, I often organize my shoes to the strains of Air Supply. On the other hand, I bite the shit out of my nails, so I think we’re still cool…yes?
metalia’s last blog post..It’s The Little Things
I hold the door for men, and I buy my husband gifts for Valentine’s Day. I do have a lot of shoes, though. Many of which make my legs look really go and force me to slightly stick out my smokin’ hot ass, so the boys ought not complain about my shoe obsession. And I suppose my site is considered a mommyblog. It’s mostly about me, though, not about what’s good for my kids. After all, if I ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
MamaKaren’s last blog post..A public service for some of my male readers
I totally agree with the Air Supply thing. That was really wrong of her not to disclose it. Maybe in the future a disclosure clause is in order.
HRH’s last blog post..Potluck, plain and simple with accessories…