I haven’t known Loralee very long. Well, technically, I don’t know her at all. I have never groped her inappropriately nor have I ever had the chance to say something stupid and wish the ground would open up and swallow me immediately.
But in the bloggy world, we’re tight. Two peas in a pod. She’s my homey.
It was love at first read. It was like finding my doppelganger, only taller, smarter, prettier and with bigger boobs.
I marveled over how much we have in common. We both use coke religiously. Er, that sounds bad. Let me rephrase. We both share a passion for the fizz. She’s all about Diet Coke and I’m all about Coca Cola Classic. So there is a slight difference of about a bazillion calories. It’s all made at the same place. Good enough for me.
We both like to sing. However, people pay good coin to go and listen to her croon while they tend to plug their ears and look for sharp objects to throw at me when I open my mouth to trill.
I’m a hit at the karoake bars, I tell ya. A real treat.
We both like to try new and exciting things. She jumps out of airplanes and pretends she has wings while I like to watch videos of people jumping out of airplanes. Hey, it’s just as exhilarating. Really.
She has a horny cat named Wilbur who is the neighborhood slut. I have a dog named Nixon who is the neighborhood bitch. As in all the other dogs come over to laugh at him when he squats to pee like a little girl.
Loralee has a hidden drawer filled with leather whips, lubricants and handcuffs. I’m too much of a prude for any of that, but I like to snoop through her stuff for educational purposes.
She has big brilliant blue eyes that remind people of the ocean or a perfect summer day. I have rather unremarkable green eyes. A 14 year old boy I was once crushing on told me I had cow eyes. As in they bugged out like a cow’s.
And then he teased me about being flat as a board and went to go ask out a girl with really big boobs and pretty blue eyes. I’m not bitter. Not at all.
And both Loralee and myself lost our little boys.
So ya, we’ve bonded.
Loralee is a girl who can make me seem sane and well adjusted. For that there is a special place in my heart reserved just for her.
Because when my husband thinks I’m some whacked out nut job and wonders why the hell he shackled himself to the likes of me, I can quickly point out that I’m not the only nutter out there. Loralee is just like me. Only nuttier.
And then I generally tell him to suck it up buttercup, because if I hadn’t come along he probably would have married his cousin.
After all, he does come from a long line of cousin lovers.
Loralee and me, two peas in a pod.
I’ve got your back girl. I just can’t wait to accidentally brush up against it.
If you know what I mean. Wink, wink.