Characters:
ME:At work, probably wearing sweat pants, my ratty Simon & Garfunkle tshirt and an uncomfortable headset.
HETTIE:Very ancient and confused old lady with a gravely voice and think southern accent. Loves Jesus but drinks a little.
“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”
“Is this Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama”
“No, ma’am. This is “blahblahblah.com”.
“I need to speak to Jackie”
“There is no one named Jackie here, Ma’am”
“Oh. This isn’t 1-xxx-xxx-2255″
“No, Ma’am. This is 1-xxx-xxx-2555.”
“Oh. Okay”
Click
Ring…ring…
“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”
“Is this Jackie”
“No Ma’am. This is blahblahlbah.com.”
“I need to speak to Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama“
“Ma’am. You are dialing the wrong number. You need to dial 2255 and you are misdialing 2555.”
“Jackie isn’t there?”
“No, Ma’am. This is an online gardening center. I am an order desk.”
“Do you know Jackie?”
“No, Ma’am. I don’t. I am in Utah and Jackie is in somwherethefreakin Alabama.*”
“You know where Jackie lives?”
“Yes, Ma’am. You’ve told me the other 10 times you’ve called. You are dialing one digit wrong.”
“Oh, Okay.”
Click
Ring…Ring…
(Repeat this type of call about 5 more times, each time trying to explain why she is getting an order desk instead of Jackie)
“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”
“NO, MA’AM. YOU ARE STILL DIALING THE WRONG NUMBER.”
“Well, I only have one hand. They cut the other one off”
(Long pause. The drama queen in me wanted to know why the freak they would cut off a hand, but there was no way I could spend more time with this woman on the phone. Maybe a gator got it.)
“I am very sorry about that ma’am. Maybe you will have to wait to talk to Jackie until someone can dial the phone for you.”
“Are you sure Jackie Turhune isn’t there?”
“Yes. I.am.very.sure.”
“Could you dial that number for me?”
“No, ma’am I cannot dial the phone number for you.”
“Why on earth not?”
“Well, I am not an operator for the telephone company. I am also in Utah and you are in Buttfreakingbayou, Lousiana*. I would have to drive an hour to get to the Salt Lake City airport, fly to Lousiana, land in Shreveport, take two cabs a bus and most likely a riverboat to find your house, then dial the phone.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Click
Ring…Ring…
(Repeat a variation of THIS call about 5 MORE times. I am not exaggerating. AT ALL. By now most of my co-workers were gathered around me listening to the comedy that ensued.)
“HELLO! This is absolutely NOT JACKIE TURHUNE from somewherethefreakin Alabama. This is LORALEE from blahblahblah.com.“
“Is this Jackie?”
“NO! This is NOT JACKIE!”
“Could you give Jackie a message for me?”
“Ma’am I am not answering the phone for you anymore. Goodbye.”
Click
Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…RING…RING…RING! RING!! RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Hello?”
“Is this Jackie?”
“Why, YES! It IS! This is Jackie Turhune from Somewherethefreakin Alabama! If this is Hettie from Buttfreakinbayou, Lousiana, please rip up my number and never, EVER call me again!! Thank you!!!”
Click
No, I don’t work at this call center anymore, or anywhere anymore, but if Jon were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, this would pretty much be all I am qualified to do despite having more college credits than most PhD students. (And no. Just waltzing in and getting a degree in SOMETHING is not an option. It’s a long story.)
Yippee.
I’ve been thinking and worrying about it lately. It seems like everything I am good at is low-paying, non-paying or generally non-marketable. If I don’t think of something to do with my life, I’m going to be stuck having conversations like this forever.
*My apologies to any bloggity readers/friends from Somewhereinthefreak Alabama or Buttfreakingbayou Louisiana. No offense meant.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I had a bad day today. It’s only noon, so I’m fairly certain it’s going to get worse unless I die (I guess even then it could get worse if I end up going to the Bad Place). And this entry really made me laugh. So thanks. Really. I needed it.
I finally do have a college degree – but, getting there was ROUGH, I had enough credits to graduate, just not in the right buckets. Finally, I went to my advisor, crying, and she pressed a button for me. I gave them all my money and they gave me a pretty diploma. The end.
Sometimes, just sometimes, you can find someone that is on your side in the whole higher education mess. And, it’s WORTH IT.
Rhi’s last blog post..Bad Luck Barbie: Continued
I feel your pain. I have a college degree, but I’ve also spent most of my 20s near or at the poverty level. In San Francisco. I’m pathetically good at eating on $25 a week.
Thanks for One Hand Hetty. She made me laugh.
Moose’s last blog post..Can’t Get Through Her Own Door With Her Own Key: CIA Recruitment Offer Rescinded
P.S. Now that I’m depressed for both of us, I really want to devise clever business ideas – one for you and one for me – to make us piles of cash with the added bonus of directing minions. SCAMPER, MINION! SCAMPER!
Moose’s last blog post..Can’t Get Through Her Own Door With Her Own Key: CIA Recruitment Offer Rescinded
are you listening in on my day??? i swear i just talked to her 20 minutes ago…
i’m in that same boat with you…i think it’s more of a positive than a negative, or at least that’s what i’ve been trying to tell myself all day to keep from ripping off heads here… :D
cricket’s last blog post..wow. just wow.
I’d like to hear the long story if it’s something you want to post about. . . my husband is in the same situation, and I hope he can finish eventually.
That was freakin’ hilarious!
I nearly baptized my monitor with Diet Dr. Pepper.
You slay me…seriously!
Bwahahahahaha! Seriously. Sometimes I wonder how some people even function.
hairyshoefairy’s last blog post..Poor Mom
When you and Moose strike it rich, will you invite me over for Diet Coke and Doritos?
Angella’s last blog post..Internet Lovin’
“I love Jesus, but I drink a little.” was one of the funniest moments in daytime TV ever!
Oh man. I am sure you were so ready to knock your desk over, pull out the phone and leave. I know it is funny to read back on, but as someone who answers phones all day I totally feel the pain there.
That totally SUCKS about the credits. I know you don’t want to just go back to get any degree. I really hope though that you will be able to get back in there and get the degree in something you love.
I am surprised to hear you say that you feel you are only good at non-marketable things because to me you seem to be one of those amazing people who can do any job well and get along with anyone. Give yourself more credit! You have so many talents it puts the rest of us to shame.
SparklieSunShine’s last blog post..Great in the Eyes of Someone
Don’t worry, LL. When I get rich and start a movie company, I’ll put you in charge of writing reality based romantic comedies.
Then we’ll all be rich.
I’ll have you know ma’am, that I am a resident of South Crackacky, North BY GOD Carolina… and I’m fairly certain you spoke with my neighbor.
She uses colorful local euphemisms like “cleaner than a chitlin” (look up chitlins on wikipedia, but not if you have a weak stomache). She does have both hands though…hm.
I gotta go. Ahm a-fi’in to go down tuh Biscuitville and git me summa that fried baloney.
foop’s last blog post..Her Heart Beats in Me
I totally know what you mean. Despite all the years of college, thanks to my decision to follow my husband for his career (and admittedly total lack of work ambition on my part) I’m qualified to basically take orders through a drive up window.
If he died or we got divorced, knock on wood, I’d be at the mercy of my in-laws–you know what I mean.
We do have life insurance on both of us–but that’s not a long term solution to my being totally un-employable. What can we do together that will make us rich, while still having us raise our kids?
Then there’s the problem of what do I do after the kids are grown? I know my hubby has big ideas about my being an income earner, but seriously, what does he expect me to suddenly be qualified to do after more than a decade out of the work force?
ohmigod. i can’t stop laughing.
ali’s last blog post..a story and a video…
Maybe Hettie and Gladys are friends.
glittersmama’s last blog post..Mad Skills
I’m with glittersmama, thinking that Hettie and Glady’s might be sisters, you know, what with one in AZ and the other in LA… too funny!
Aren’t you glad you don’t work there anymore? You know, I think you underestimate yourself, and I don’t recall you really trying hard to get a job in the near past. You would probably be surprised… Well, maybe not in Cache Valley with the amazing array of employment opportunities, but still.
This post was hilarious. Thank you for the laugh.
It reminded me of a year’s worth of phone calls I got when my oldest son was just a baby. An elementary-school-aged boy would call asking for “Alex”, or to see if “Alex” could play, and I would politely tell him that the “Alex” that lived in MY house was just a few months old, so while he had called AN Alex’s house, it couldn’t possibly be THE Alex he was looking for.
I think I just found tomorrow’s blog topic. I could write a novel about the time the father called looking for “Alex” and was sure I was hiding him somewhere, or that I had purposely driven to his son’s school and given him my number, just to tease him.
Some parents don’t deserve to be parents. They don’t have any common sense.
And some people don’t deserve to have telephone access. It’s too complicated for them to handle, what with all the dialing, talking, holding the phone correctly, etc.
The time you told me this I laughed so hard.
LOL.
Still laughing.
hysterical story!
Maya’s last blog post..S- Is for Social Security #@# Numbers
That was really quite funny Lor!!! Hee, I would have lost patience ALONG time ago, or maybe I would have offered to take a message, or said something stupid like “Jackie is out getting her weekly bikini wax, can I have her call you when she returns?”
heather’s last blog post..New Tote Bag
I have a degree in Psy, which means I could get a crap job making $18k a year unless I get my MA. I can’t contemplate going to grad school right now, so I’m feeling stuck too.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..I’m Telling the Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing But the Tooth
I used to get calls for Warren TV a lot. They had our number before we did. I got so sick of answering the phone and hearing “Can you fix my tv?” that once I finally said, “Well, I can try, but I’m not a tv repair person”. It took a few years before the phone company actually changed their number in the book.
Now, we get non- english-speaking people calling the Utah Housing Authority to get their electricity turned back on. *sigh*
Erin Evans Taylor’s last blog post..Blogging…. it’s not just about YOU!
She’s either inbred (and being from Louisiana, we can’t rule that out), or you got pranked by an old lady.
Take it from someone who has two bachelor’s degrees: unless you get one of a few lucrative degrees, it really doesn’t do much good. And guess what? Nothing in the humanities is one of those lucrative degrees.
Sra’s last blog post..a-blee, a-blee, a-blee, a-that’s annoying, folks!
Hee! Thanks for the laughs – that totally made my day.
I’ve got many similar stories. The other night some friends and I were sharing our crazy phone experiences at work and from our home numbers, and it was hilarious.
Good times! :)
Sharon’s last blog post..The hockey season is over
Oh mercy. You’ve just inspired me to get back to school and graduate–did my mother bribe you to write this post?
Camille’s last blog post..{To Be a Hotdogger}
Too funny! I could never work in a call centre…. I would be fired for teling idiots exactly what I thought of them.
:-)
Kami’s last blog post..Forsaken
DAMMIT! All flights to Buttfreakingbayou, Louisiana are booked. Well there goes my Spring Break.
P.S. Nearly 165 credits of my undergrad is in Forensic Science and I now work in Culinary. I still don’t know what the hell I want to be when I grow up. But I’m pretty sure I want nothing to do with Hettie.
The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..This is the part where Angella said, Would you like some free chocolate? and where I was like, well duh.
Just get a bunch of life insurance on Jon. Not only will your family be protected, but you can lord it over Jon when he acts up. “You know, I would benefit from your death…”
Craig’s last blog post..Getting the Band Back Together
“and most likely a riverboat”… that was my favorite line.
I could never work somewhere where I’d have to answer the phone. I avoid the phone whenever possible.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..A Recipe… Practice now so you’ll be ready for summer
*SNORT*
That was funny. At your expense funny, but funny none-the-less!!
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Photohunt: Glass
That was funny! It reminds me of my old ‘career’ as a receptionist at a collection agency. Good times, good times.
I am not college edgimakated….that is why I married someone who is. So that his West Point graduated a$$ could support me while I lay on the couch watching Y&R and eating Dibs all day!
I love my life!
Connie’s last blog post..Mommy Does Dallas!
That was seriously funny girl. I am so glad you took care of things in the end.
HRH’s last blog post..Open oven, Insert Holly’s head…
My real name is Jackie Turner and I am from Greenbow, Alabama. No, really.
Jack’s last blog post..I Am Not How This Helps Me But…
Ha! Ha! Ha! HAAAAaaaa!
That totally made me laugh.
AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Evolving, With A Little Help From The Learning Channel
Just for one day, I would LOVE to work at a call center where my voice could be my weapon and where anonymity would allow me to say all the things I have dreamed of saying, usually 4 minutes after said telephone solicitor hangs up.
In the meantime, I am laughing vicariously through your post.
4’s last blog post..The great wall of 4
honey, i did that job for almost 4 years. i had one phone call where my supervisor almost cussed out the customer. of course, the supervisor is now a woman by the name of dana instead of a dude named mike.
i had a woman tell me i sound good enough to be a phone sex operator.
i’ve been called lucy, stacy, tracy, spicy, michelle, you name it. all but my real name. then when they do get it, they associate it with underwear.
my fave phone call was when i was called upon to be a supervisor. everyone knew i had a wicked sense of humor and didn’t take bullshit from people i didn’t know. that man was sooooo pissed by the time he got to me, he was ready to kill me by the time we hung up.
i always ALWAYS, ended the phone call with thank you for calling, and have a GREAT day. BYE BYE NOW. and then click. some reason that made people mad. could have been the sugary sweet voice.
Pink’s last blog post..pink’s pictures
“I love Jesus but I drink a little.”
That has to be one of my all-time favorite Ellen episodes. Thanks for the reference. It made me laugh really hard all over again.
I am so sorry that you had to put up with all those phone calls. How annoying! But it makes for good blogging. When I moved into my house and got my land line, I started getting calls for Jeff and Randi Jones. I got so sick of getting messages for them on my answering machine that I changed the outgoing message to say, “You’ve reached the *******s, not the Joneses. If you would like to leave a message for Scotty, Brittany, or Nicky please do so at the beep. If you want to leave a message for Jeff or Randi, please don’t because they don’t live here.” And whaddayaknow… people still kept leaving messages for them. Idiots! One person even said, “If this isn’t the Jones residence, will you please call me back and let me know?” Stupid lady! Didn’t the answering machine just say that this isn’t the Joneses?
Ugh! Such anger!
Fluent Brittish’s last blog post..The Series Formerly Known as The Rant That Became a Series
I still have no idea what I’m going to be when I grow up. I really wish I did.
MammaLoves’s last blog post..How He Became Our Son, Part II
I’d love to hear that long story about why you can’t get a degree because I don’t understand why such an incredibly talented woman like yourself with so many credits is getting screwed out of what you rightly deserve! Stupid higher education. Pfft!
Alicia’s last blog post..Another Week Gone
um…I happen to like buttfreakinbayou, Lousiana quite a bit!!
and now I’m just HOMESICK.
little miss’s last blog post..I’m trying here, PEOPLE!!
bwahahahaha I love this post…especially since I have to deal with ridiculous people like this on a daily basis. Yep, I work in a call center. As long as I keep all the sharp objects off my desk I’m ok.
“University of __________ this is Cory, how may I help you?”
“Hi Lori. What is this place??? Is this a hospital???”
Cory’s last blog post..Is that a raindrop in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I remember you talking about that over on my blog back a few summers ago. And you know what? Even after a MA, I’m STILL working at a stupid call center, so don’t feel bad. Expect at this one they call us “Investment Representatives” and we have to dress up and shit. Ugh.
Doug’s last blog post..Anatomy of a hot yoga class