It’s “Memival Week” here at Looney Tunes.
What’s with “Memival Week”?? Call me lame or whatever, but I’m going to spend a week doing all those blog meme’s and carnival’s that I have eyed from time to time but know that I don’t have the discipline or desire to participate in every single week.
Today is that meme that floats around the internet called “Makes me smile Monday”. I couldn’t find a particular site to link to like some of the other things that I have planned for the week, but here it goes.
It seems like everyone is pregnant.
When you aren’t pregnant and you want to be, this can be so.very.painful.
You may be able to tell where this is going.
Yes, I want a baby. No, I am not pregnant.
Please, do not get me wrong, as far as I know, I am not infertile.
I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to have that struggle. The people that deal with it go through so much.
My struggle is of a very different nature. It’s of “Not having the room” because we live in a shoe box where we are struggling to fit already, it not being the “Right time”, serious medical problems I have when pregnant and previous losses.
And fear. It’s a lot about fear. Considering that I couldn’t keep the last one alive, having another one is an issue.
When Matthew died, we didn’t want to “Rush” anything.
Even though my decisions are a big part of why I am babyless, It doesn’t mean that every month I don’t have a moment where I am not sad. Where I don’t have a secret hope that the decision has been taken out of my hands and I am going to just have to cope with the fear and the money, space, and medical issues whether I like it or not.
There have been a handful of times where I have been very late and thought I was pregnant. (This is actually on of my favorite posts. You should read it. Just, ya know, because I said to.)
While scared to death I felt joyous anticipation, only to pee on the stick and feel tremendous sorrow. It seems like the more times it happens and the longer it has been, the sadder I am and the harder it is for me to shrug the disappointment off my shoulders. The “Blue” shades that I feel turn more and more “Black”.
This weekend is proof positive of that. I’m taking it much harder than I probably should. There are a lot of things that are exacerbating my reaction to it, I am sure. So many thoughts racing through my head. So many things and possibilities that are in shambles and different roads out in front of me with no idea which is the best road to take.
The point is, that I have never taken it this hard before. And I am taking it HARD. I have to filter out what emotion is coming for what event just to be fair and not blame it all on not being pregnant. It’s just that when I am in this much emotion, it is difficult for me to step back and look at things clearly.
If Matthew had lived He would be turning FIVE on June 7th. He will have been dead for five years in September. FIVE. That is a long time. Christopher will be turning ten in July.
I think I waited to long. I don’t know if another baby will ever happen for me again.
It’s a sorrow to me.
A deep sorrow.
I know some of you are going, ‘What the HELL is this post doing on a “Makes Me Smile Monday” post? You are making me want to throw Prozac at myself and hide the freaking razor blades, woman!”
Don’t get your knickers in a twist, I’m getting to it.
There are some times that people say that they are pregnant and while I am happy for them, it creates pain and jealousy.
Then there are those people that have had such struggles with infertility or miscarraiges, or death of a child or all of the above that tell you you are pregnant and you are so purely estatic for them that there is no room in your heart for bitterness or jealousy.
This week, two babies were born to amazing women who have had loss and struggle and two more little ones are quickly getting ready for their entrance into this world.
These women have been through a lot and these babies mean so many good things. So much healing.
And that?
Makes me smile.
Jonathan Merchant says:
So you’re saying that you’re missing the poop? I mean I love it when my baby comes strolling up with poop on her finger and says “POOOOP” and then tries to wipe it on me…
But in all seriousness, I understand - we as animals find spring to be the birthing season and that’s why everyone is pregnant or having babies now (I think at last count there was 100 in our neighborhood)..
Alright, now in all seriousness…I’m a big baby kind of guy, I would love nothing more then to have a slew of kids. But it’s not always in the plans. Me and Jenni have been through our own struggles and I’ve been through them in my single life and my childhood so I feel your pain. I am also pretty happy for people to see them all excited when they have their first and I’ll be the first to tell them all the horrors of poop, and poop related trauma.
You should just watch all the babies in your husbands family, or add your brother in laws family in the mix, that should get you over the hump real fast (I know it cures my baby cravings for a time)…
Jonathan Merchant’s last blog post..To lie or not to lie
March 24th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Chelle says:
Honey, everybody is NOT pregnant… I’m not pregnant, Karen isn’t preggers, Bridgie is not about to pop one out, I don’t recall Jess making any big announcements. Linny and Nan are not, will not be - Melly’s all done - there are fifteen teachers next door to your house that are decidedly NOT with child… would you like me to go on?
This is going to sound rude (especially to people that don’t know me and you and the context of our relationship), but I think this is a bootstrap moment. Find one and pull yourself out of the “everything looks so bad right now” hole and stop seeing only what you want to see to justify moping.
Find something to -truly- appreciate in your life. There’s plenty, it’s just been pushed aside. Get to it. I am your bootstrap camp director and I will show no mercy.
Seriously - I’m not joking. Get moving cuz I may just drive to your house and force the issue.
(This is all said with much love and concern, ya know?) And for everyone that is going to comment about what a b**** I am, let it be known that I really don’t care what ya’ll think. Ciao!
March 24th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Rachel (Louisiana) says:
I know things look really black right now and that you’ve had one thing after another come flying at your head. But you WILL get through this. I promise. Things have to get better. I have to agree with Chelle. I know you have the strength to pull yourself out of this. So, as you’ve told me on multiple occasions, give yourself a few days to mourn and wallow and eat chocolate ice cream and then pull yourself out of it. (I’ll come help if you want.) *hugs*
Rachel (Louisiana)’s last blog post..I wish I could elaborate…
March 24th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
loralee says:
@ Chelle
It’s true. I’m a major moper.
It just walloped me over the head.
Writing it all out actually helped a great deal. I need to shake it off some of it and look harder at the good things.
You’re a good friend.
(And a note to others..This is one of my very best friends ever, so trust me when I say it is not one.bit.harsh to me. It’s ALL good. Ok?)
March 24th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Heather B. says:
I’m not pregnant. Which is pretty awesome. But because of the extreme awesomeness, I am not sure how I would or if I could deal with feeling like so many around me are pregnant when I really want to be.
So even if I can’t fathom what you are going through, I am sorry.
Heather B.’s last blog post..Pink and Green
March 24th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Maya says:
I struggled getting pregnant. I had ivf, and became pregnant with my two beautiful daughters who are now 4.5 months old. I know the feeling of sadness when aunt flow comes along. It’s so deep. When I saw women walking past me who were pregnant- it saddned me inside. But once I became pregnant, I often wondered how many women were looking at me with envy. No one knows the struggle.
You are a wonderful mother, I am sure. What happened to your baby… NO ONE should have to go through that type of loss. But that does not mean that you didnt “keep him alive”- that is not your fault. That is no ones fault. My daughters were born 10 weeks early… is that my fault? No. It is GD’s plan.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Marilyn says:
Oh Loralee. I don’t know what I could say to you to help you feel any better. Sometimes that hole is awfully dark. But thank you for the kind words. It it my most sincere hope that one day you’ll be posting your good news for us to rejoice over. I don’t think it’s too late for you. When it happens, it’ll be just right. *hugs*
Marilyn’s last blog post..Feeling too much
March 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
zoot says:
I’m new here but I just wanted to pop in and say I wish there were words to make it better. This post is poignant to me because I’ve had my own share of loss (although not as devastating as yours) and I know that monthly pain you speak of, and that jealousy very well.
But also - I finally had my chance and my oldest and youngest are eleven years apart. I didnt think it would ever happen for me either.
I think your recognition of Marilyn’s blessing (she’s a buddy of mine) is truly beautiful and this entry is so well written I just wanted to pop in and leave a comment. Sorry I took up so much space.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Christine says:
I don’t know what to say here, other than I totally get how fear can dictate one’s decisions. Blech.
But ten years between kids isn’t too long, if you do chose to go down that route. And (I seem to like starting sentences with conjunctions, because I such a REBEL) I know you were being flip, but don’t blame yourself for your loss!!!
*mwah*
Christine’s last blog post..Feel the bloggy love. Really, FEEL it!
March 24th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
sizzle says:
I’m not pregnant. I just had a wonky period thankyouverymuch.
I’m really glad you can find (and share!) something to smile about. Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate it.
sizzle’s last blog post..Bare
March 24th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Connie says:
Okay…you barely know me. Just from reading a post here and there of my blog. And I don’t know you….just what I know from being a new reader of your blog. But this is what I know.
As the mother of a little one that didn’t make it. There will forever be a void that will not be filled. I try to fill my void with flowers that bloom in August…that is when she was to be born. They make me smile. Gladiolus are our flowers.
I would love to have more children but it isn’t going to happen. And every month I get sad, and angry and I take it out on a bottle of wine and some chocolate and then I wake up the next morning and get on with life. I can’t let it consume me. I love and cherish the kids that I do have and thank god for letting me be their Mother and giving me another day with them. But I get to have one day every month to be pissed and sad. It is my right!
So…I will join you in the Not Pregnant but Want to Be Club.
Hang In There!
Connie’s last blog post..The One About Meghan’s Birthday Video!
March 24th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
raygon says:
You have a heart of gold, Loralee. It is so sweet that in your time of troubles, you are so happy for others.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Angella says:
This post makes me smile, because it showcases how great you truly are.
In the midst of your pain, you feel joy for others.
That is a gift, my friend.
Angella’s last blog post..Shhh. Be Vewy Quiet. We Are Hunting Wabbits Easter Eggs.
March 24th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Queen of Shake Shake says:
It makes me smile too.
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..A Few Bad Apples, But Not the Whole Barrel
March 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Davie says:
LL,
Thanks for linking to My wife’s blog, it might make her write some more.
“I never thought it would happen to me”.
I only read a few um, “naughty” magazine as a kind but I still remember every story started with that line, so it makes me laugh just a little.
I digress, but it is true, I had given up on having another child with our genes. We are almost 40 now and after losing our pregnancy two years ago I pretty much gave up.
On everything.
I can’t pretend to know what it is like from the ovum side, but from the swimmer side it sucked knowing it was “over”.
Now everything is all new and it turns out what I “knew” wasn’t.
The thing is it isn’t over for you, our youngest will be 14 when the crumb cruncher is born! I think we were on pause. It really wasn’t over for us and my feeling is we (I) needed to grow a bit to be ready for this one.
Ready is the wrong word - ready enough.
I never thought it would happen to me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Davie’s last blog post..Dirt
March 24th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Julie says:
Oh my goodness, you just floored me! I guess I will have to update my blog!
Thanks for making me smile–and I will be praying that you have a lot to smile about, and not cry.
Love you!
Julie’s last blog post..Lost
March 24th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
moosh in indy. says:
You forgot to mention the mean catty trolls that come leaking out of the corners of the world to tell you that you’re garbage for wanting another baby or that you have no right to be jealous.
Lovely post my dear. Simply lovely.
I’m working on getting to the point where pregnancy and birth of others makes me smile too.
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..Huffy Puffin’
March 24th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
The Brother says:
Ok, I am officially dusting off the Patriarchal Sibling Figure hat and putting it on. Are we ready?
As much as I love my baby sis, Chelle is dead bang on. Get up and get on with life. You have a lot to offer and a lot to love about life.
Look, I’m not the mom, so in a sense i don’t fully understand about Bug: but I did see a lot of it up close and personal. He will always be in your heart, but you cannot let his loss define your life or debilitate you.
I will say that I’m proud of how far you have come; people in Minnesota know you, fer cryin’ out loud!
Now, get off your tail!
:-)
Your Loving Brother
March 24th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Erin says:
I hesitated to comment on this post- I am 33 weeks pregnant and never had trouble getting pregnant. I don’t know what it is like to struggle with getting pregnant or the loss of a child.
What I want to say is you may think it is too late and you have given up on the idea… but you never know:)
I really hope you are feeling better soon.
If you want I can show you my swollen ankles and huge varicose veins- I have them ALL over- even in places I never imagined they could pop out- maybe that will make you feel a little bit better!
Erin’s last blog post..Some New Belly Shots
March 24th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Elizabeth says:
Where there is sorrow, there can also be found joy.
Sending you love…
Elizabeth’s last blog post..This just in…
March 24th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Kristen says:
Wow, this post touched me so much. My third baby was stillborn so I understand a bit of the pain of losing a baby. I wouldn’t presume to compare my loss to yours, but I do understand the fear to even think about trying to conceive again. I could not make that decision, but I am so thankful that it was taken out of my hands. My next pregnancy was painfully scary, but resulted in a healthy baby that is now 4. God has blessed us in abundance, and as I go through this pregnancy I try to remember that as I find myself gripped by fear once again.
I will be thinking of you as you are in this dark place.
Kristen’s last blog post..Birth Story # 1
March 24th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
justme says:
Thank you.
justme’s last blog post..Unexpected bills
March 24th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
jasonthe says:
Loralee, as always, you amaze me with the honesty of your post. It’s amazing that you can be so human and put it into a narrative. (write a freakin’ book already, huh?)
I can’t respond from personal experience, but I can offer a perspective that of course makes use of political examples. Nothing specific really, just that if you look back through history, every regrettable mistake, and every setback faced by every nation that has ever existed has been the result of a decision made (or sometimes not made?) out of fear.
And you might enjoy this blog. Close friend of mine. Lost a child. Pregnant. Blogging about it.
http://enigmawrappedmystery.blogspot.com/
jasonthe’s last blog post..The Godless Constitution (Theocracy Vs. States’ Rights)
March 25th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Sharon says:
Because of your medical issues, and the danger of a pregnancy for you… have you ever considered adoption? Our two kids have been the joy of my life. They were each 7 weeks old when we adopted them.
Sharon’s last blog post..Happy Easter!
March 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Kami says:
I can relate to this post on many levels and I totally know what you mean.
But you? You find a way to turn it into a happy make you smile kind of thing.
I could learn a lot from you!
Kami’s last blog post..Deep thoughts: Emphatically speaking
March 25th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Erin Evans Taylor says:
I am weeping as I write this. I say “AMEN” to everything you wrote!!! You know my struggles with this same thing. I’ve had my little 11 month old nephew this week, and he is sooo sweet, I feel like he is my own… I don’t know how I will let him go back to Virginia.
It sucks that you have to find out the truth that you’re not pregnant at the very worst time of the month!!!! My poor husband has had to comfort me over 72 times now….yes, I’ve counted! I don’t have any answers… except that I am glad I have my best buddy Eason (my only child), and an understanding hubby.
I hope you get your wish soon. That would be one announcement I wouldn’t feel bitter about!!!!
Erin Evans Taylor’s last blog post..I Cross My Heart…….. (*wink*)
March 25th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Lianne says:
As the mother of 4 children, it is strange to say I struggled with infertility. But miscarriages, months and months of not getting pregnant, taking my temperature, trying Clomid.. well, it felt like infertility.
I know the one about peeing on a stick and having it be negative. Or going to the bathroom thinking you are pregnant and finding that you are bleeding. I know it, and I can still feel it.
I remember weeping when my husband went to get a vasectomy after my fourth child was born. I almost begged him not to go… but I was 36 and I knew I had finished that part of my journey.
It must be difficult to hear that I have four children and yet say I struggled with infertility. But that is how it felt to me.
So, for every woman who weeps at her courses, who pees over and over on a stick to no avail, I send out my heart.
Especially to you, dear Loralee.
Lianne’s last blog post..Weekend in Review
March 25th, 2008 at 10:16 am
crunchy carpets says:
The agony of indecision is hard.
I feel I can’t make the decision to try again.
I keep weighing all the reasons not to….a lot like you…tiny house, no money, medical fears, etc.
I also worry about the guilt.
I also worry that I really should be happy with the two kids I have and just get on with it and enjoy it.
It is very hard…and yes there are sooo many pregnant bloggers right now..and yes, I am happy for them…but oooh it hurts.
crunchy carpets’s last blog post..Enjoying the moments
March 25th, 2008 at 11:06 am
andi says:
I’m sorry, but I’m also proud of you for being strong and smiling at those babies.
andi’s last blog post..But it’s 10 years too soon!
March 25th, 2008 at 11:24 am
linny says:
Bah, I say! A pox on all those that say to buck up and move on! Makes me think of everybody that tells me to get over having been diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, you get it, then get “over it”, and *then* we’ll talk about getting over shit.
I’m coming up right now and you, me, and Nan are going to have a, “Let’s all try to get pregnant party.” Ok, well, not all of us together cause that would be “ew”.
Love your guts!!!!
March 25th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Aunt Amy says:
Thanks for the linky love. Sorry there was nothing new up there till today!
March 25th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
Man, do I have baby fever. Me and my uterus are no longer speaking to each other. So my baby fever is in the hands of an uncooperative government agency.
And it sucks.
March 25th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
heather says:
I’m so NOT pregnant either…but I’m ok with it.
(meekly pointing this out, wringing hands and looking at the floor) if you are so sad every month then maybe you should just go for it. Those other things will work out somehow. my husband always tells me he has never met an old man (or woman I suppose) who says they wished they had less children, he says people always look back and wish they had more.
Whatever you decide I hope it makes you smile.
heather’s last blog post..Show Me Your Desk
March 25th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Julie says:
I know exactly how you feel; I am going through the same thing myself. Since my miscarriage this past September, everyone I know is either pregnant or has just had a baby. It is very frustrating, and with each month that passes, I get more and more anxious to have another one. When the test is negative, I cry, get depressed, and wonder if I will every have another little one. Then, I look at my son a smile. God has blessed me with him, and for that, I am grateful. But, that does not mean that I still do not yearn to fill a space in my heart, to replace a piece of myself that I lost when I had my miscarriage. Each day is a struggle in its own way, some easier than others. I do not know if another baby will help ease the pain of losing a little one completly, but I know that I want another baby so much. It took me a year to get pregnant with my son, only one month fir the baby I lost. We have only been trying for five months now, but those five months feel like forever. Take care and never give up hope.
Julie’s last blog post..Smiles
March 26th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Holly says:
*sniffle* Great post LL. I loveses you
Holly’s last blog post..By: Lechelle
March 26th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Doug says:
Well I’m not pregnant either, and it isn’t for lack of trying.
For me, although it’s not at all like your situation, everybody is buying a house. People my age. And it scares the sweet jesus out of me. Because I’m 27, but 18 in my mind. And 40 in my body. Damned smoking and Diet Coke.
I haven’t called my friend Christel (who too lost a baby) in a long while and your post reminded me that I need to. And that makes me smile, so thank you.
Doug’s last blog post..MIA
March 26th, 2008 at 11:16 pm
She Likes Purple says:
This post hit my square in the chest. I am thinking of you.
She Likes Purple’s last blog post..The Small Horse
March 28th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
The Over-Thinker says:
I’m super late-in-the-game to comment here, but I want you to know that I’m sitting in a pretty darn similar boat. We desperately want a baby (just one! we’d be fine with one!) and seem to see pregnant women everywhere!!! It’s especially hard when the pregnant women seem to be annoyed at the fact that they are pregnant…I could go on and on. I just really appreciate this post. It put me in a good mood.
I’m sending many “Plus Sign Vibes” your way. xoxo
The Over-Thinker’s last blog post..In Search of the Holy Grail….aka: A Good Bra
March 29th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Amy says:
I am not pregnant and I want to be. My twins turn 4 in April and I wonder if we are too far from the baby stage. We have tried for months and really tried for the past two months and no baby. It took me a second to get pregnant with my twins. I turn 35 this year and it is stirring up all these emotions…what if I am done? I am not sure I am ok with that. I loved this post!!!
March 29th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
jenny, bloggess says:
This was so beautifully written. I can relate. I had so many losses before I finally had Hailey. Now my husband wants to try again but I just can’t go through that again. Fear is too light of a word for what it is.
Big hugs to you.
jenny, bloggess’s last blog post..Still high, making big announcements
March 31st, 2008 at 9:19 am