This is my cat, Wilbur.
She’s a girl.
She’s kinda slutty.
Ok, there is no “Kinda” about it. She is a full on whore. Remember the “Red letter ‘A’ ” collar I made for her?
Yeah, it is totally appropriate.
Despite being fixed she is in almost perpetual heat. She will rape anything that moves. Or doesn’t move. Basically, she will rape ANYTHING.
Her favorite target is my carpet.
I blame the fact that our neighborhood is full of randy Tom Cats that are fond of very loud, feline gang-rape at 3 am outside of my freaking window.
The result is a nympho that probably has eleventyhundred feline STD’S.
(I suspect that she may be peddling her “Wares” for some extra serving of kibble, but I have no concrete evidence of this.)
While Wilbur can be slightly ‘Flawed’ in some areas, she certainly does not deserve to have LARGE PATCHES OF HER FUR SHAVED FROM HER BODY WITH MY HUSBAND’S NEW HAIR CLIPPERS!
See that black area that looks like a bit spot? Yah, that would be her SKIN. On the other side, there are two more large, gaping holes.
Of course, neither of these two angels admit to having ANYTHING to do with it.
Poor Wilbur. Not only is she a STD-riddled hussy of a masculine-named feline, she now resembles Miss Ouiser’s dog, Rhett, on Steel Magnolias.
I can’t see her “Kibble business” doing very well with her looking so attractive. She’s probably going to have to start paying the neighborhood Tom’s to have anything to do with her.
My carpet has already shunned her.
I think all the neglect is starting to get to her.
She’s depressed.
In her depression, Wilbur has started humping my furniture, which is just NOT GOOD.
So, if any of you have any randy Tom Cats (or girl kitties. I really don’t think she’s picky at this point.) bring them on by. I’d be more than willing to give THEM extra kibble just to keep my furniture safe and cheer up my damn cat.
And then you and I can have cookies and cocoa and hang out while the dirty, dirty deed is done.
(You might want to bring ear plugs. I’m just sayin…)
Any takers?
Charli says:
Well, my sympathy is with Wilbur. Us STD carrying masculine-named woman have to stick together. It’s not easy being us, you know.
March 20th, 2008 at 9:45 am
loralee says:
“Us STD carrying masculine-named woman have to stick together.”
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!
March 20th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Adam says:
Wow. Hey Loralee. Long time lurker, first time commenter. I was coming here to comment on yesterday’s post, which I may still do. But I just had to say, holy jeez! Our cats must be doppelgangers. Mine looks EXACTLY like yours.
And another freakish coincidence, HER name is Otis! (Thankfully, she is not the trollop yours seems to be. I chalk that up to my raising her Catholic. The whole “fear of God” stuff we lay on the kiddies (see what I did there? kiddies kitties. ).
Just wanted to say. Great blog. I’m working my way through the early archives, even though you’ve expressly wished that we not. Nyah! (You’d have to look very hard to see it, but I’m sticking my tongue out at you right now.)
March 20th, 2008 at 9:55 am
loralee says:
Adam:
OMG! Otis is one of my favoritest names ever. My roommate in college bought a rusty POS hatchback that we had to PLUG IN at night and I totally named it Otis.
“The Wilbur and Otis Show”.
Dig it.
P.S.
If you may want to show your kitty photos of the “A” collar to show her what happens when kitties are very, very naughty.
P.P.S
GAH!!!! Do you not know that combing through the early archives of my blog can cause retina bleeding???!!!!!!!!!
You have been warned.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Mr Lady says:
I just figured it out. You’re filty, and absolutely insane. God, how i love you.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:32 am
ellinghouse says:
oh I love it. Your cat and my cat should get together. Oh wait, no, that probably would not be a good idea at all.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:35 am
loralee says:
Mr. Lady:
Hee. Some of my photos were in the wrong place! However, this is one of those posts that make people go “WTF????”.
And? HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU AWESOME WOMAN!
Ellinghouse:
Yes, but my furniture and carpet would LOVE the break!!
March 20th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Pants says:
My cat is currently angry with me b/c I have a friend coming in town who’s allergic to cats so he’s not permitted in my room at the moment. He tells me not being able to sleep on my pillow all day like a fairy princess will kill him. I think he’s full of shit.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:39 am
loralee says:
Pants:
Wilbur may be a total ho, but she is lacking the “Divine-Fairy-Princess-And-Supreme-All-High-Ruler” gene.
I have had cats like that before.
I’m not sure which one I prefer.
Hmmm…
March 20th, 2008 at 10:46 am
glittersmama says:
So. You’re running a kitty cat whorehouse. Does that make you the madam?
March 20th, 2008 at 11:01 am
andi says:
This post made me wish I had an oxygen tank on hand - seriously, I laughed so hard I may have come close to passing out.
And I wish I had a tom cat to pimp out to you, if only to save your beloved computer from being the target of Wilbur’s affections. Sadly, we had to give our cat away awhile ago because he was keeping us up all night long yowling. The noise puzzled me at the time, but now I wonder if he wasn’t engaging in an all-night sex romp with every surface in the house. You know, away from the prying and judgmental eyes of his prudish human masters. These cats are such perverted little creatures.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:11 am
sizzle says:
Wilbur,
Look. We’ve all experienced bad haircuts. Don’t let it get you down. You just gotta flaunt your other assets until your fur grows back in. Or meet in very dark alleys or hope to encounter blind cats.
Best of luck to you!
Sizz
March 20th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Sra says:
Maybe you should get a stuffed fuck buddy for Wilbur. You know how they have fake cows to collect sperm from bulls? (And then they rape the real cows with the sperm. Why they don’t just remove the middle man is beyond me.) But maybe they make fake kitty fucks for randy cats. Wilbur sounds like she needs one.
And my mom has a female turtle also named Otis.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Angella says:
Your cat HUMPS THE FURNITURE?
Now THAT would make an interesting You Tube video
March 20th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Bridge says:
Poor kitty…
The injustice of it all!
March 20th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Kami says:
Poor kitty, she’s got low morals and even still they are letting her down.
I once had a horse that was the gigalo of the neighborhood. He had post truamtic stress syndrome. He didn’t remember his own castration. It was sad.
what wasn’t sad was chasing the skank all over the countryside. The bugger jumped any fence in his quest for the next mare.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Cory says:
I have a cat that does exactly the same thing! She is fixed and is CONSTANTLY horny…walking around the house sticking her ass in the air for anyone that will give her some lovin…and she makes the craziest noises while she’s doing it, too…her name is Moe. I think her and Wilbur would be happy together.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
loralee says:
glittersmama:
Yes. I am the Madame of The Best Little Kitty Whorehouse in Utah! Now if only my girls were as staggering as Dolly Parton’s!
andi:
It definitely sounds like there was copious amounts of grody animal love going on at your house!!!!
sizzle:
Blind cats, eh? Hmm….Something I had never considered. Think of the ego boost it would be to them!
Sra:
Sex toys for randy animals. Now THAT is a thought.
And?
Otis is just the best pet name, ever.
Angella:
She.humps.EVERYTHING.
Bridgy:
I know. I was so po’d when I saw it! GAH!
Kami:
A horny horse would be WWWWAY worse. At least I can chase Wilbur down!!!
Cory:
I was so pissed that getting her fixed didn’t stop her horniness. Gah!
Strangely enough, my friend has one of Wilbur’s kitties (A result of the whoring) and it’s named Moe, too!
March 20th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Kyle Johnson says:
We all know who Moe belongs too, I do believe, at least some of us that live or have lived in Logan…WINK
March 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Miss says:
He.Lar.I.Ous!
I knew I read you for a reason. That shit was funny.
I wonder if they have dildo’s or sex dolls for kitties. Google anyone??
March 20th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Britt says:
Whoa! Poor lonely kitty.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
holli says:
cats are cwazy!!! I’ll send Nate over.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Jack says:
Send Wilbur over and I’ll “fix” that haircut.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Amanda says:
Your poor couches. It must be pretty bad if you are willing to pimp your cat out.
March 20th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Rhapsody says:
I have a blind cat (no kidding) I should bring him over he dosen’t care what she looks like as long as she smells good.
March 20th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
calicobebop says:
I thought I was the only one who had a spayed kitty that goes into heat! I swear, Zephyr will escape at any opportunity to get some nasty feral Tom action. (Of course, I’d escape at any opportunity to get some Sawyer action so I guess I shouldn’t be pointing fingers.) What surprises me is that these Toms are still interested in her despite her “spay sway” (the hanging udder gut thing)! That combined with her advanced age of 14 years puts her conquests on par with Blanch from the Golden Girls. And, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that analogy.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:11 am
Erin Evans Taylor says:
You should see my dog’s “love bear”. It is an old stuffed bear of my sister’s. He is found going at it with that bear in every room of the house. When you accidentally walk in on him “in the act” he will look at you as if to say, “Uh…. do you MIND!!!!” I quietly close the door behind me. Of course, he will do it in the living room, in the middle of the Sunday dinner prayer, with company over! Maybe your kitty needs a love bear of her own!
March 21st, 2008 at 10:00 am
Queen of Shake Shake says:
Oh dear lawd, that’s hilarious!
I think I would be willing to trade her though for my cat that always craps on my bathroom rug. A whore vs a shitty bitch. It’s a toss up!
Queen of Shake Shake’s last blog post..No Laughing Either
March 21st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Berne says:
The joy of pets.
Berne’s last blog post..Spring Break
March 21st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Pitch Hitter says:
Certain tumors can produce sex hormones. You might have her blood tested.
April 20th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Ms. Karen says:
Oh, my! This was funny. We have a male cat who, despite being fixed, will hump anything. For a long time, he was especially fond of my mate’s arm. Especially at night. In bed.
We got him another kitty to “play with” and we’ve been hump-free ever since. Well, not entirely hump-free, but, um, yeah…you understand…
Ms. Karens last blog post..Ch-Ch-Changes!
July 14th, 2008 at 9:27 pm