James, I am so glad that you talked to me tonight, but so sad that you are hurting. I want you to look at me and really listen to what I am saying and trust me, ok?
Ok.
You just told me that you think that I don’t understand how you’re feeling because I have ‘Lots and lots of friends’, right? I want you to know that I absolutely understand how you are feeling. You are heartbroken because after struggling so hard with not having any friends at school, the one and only friend you finally made ditched you for someone he thought was better, right?
Right.
Honey, I do have friends now. Lots and lots of friends that I cannot even say how grateful I am to have in my life.
Do you know a big reason WHY I am so grateful for my friends?
I am grateful because I didn’t have many friends at all when I was growing up. I could count them on one or two fingers most of the time. People not only made fun of me every single day of my life. It was so painful and hurt me so much that sometimes I can still feel exactly what it felt like all these years later. It hurt me for a lot longer than it should and made me think less of myself because I thought something must be wrong with me because I didn’t have friends.
I know that you don’t understand why kid A, B, C & D are so mean to you. I know you don’t understand why no one will stick up for you when people are teasing you, even though you stand up for them when they are being teased.Do you want to know something?
Most of them don’t understand why they do it, either.
You know better than anyone how mean kids can be to other kids just in order to fit in, not stick out, to be accepted. To stand up and face a crowd that is picking on someone takes an awful lot of courage. It’s one reason I am SO proud of you. But…a lot of kids just don’t have that at this stage in their lives.
I AM sure that at least ONE person has wanted to stick up for you in their heart and hated what was happening, but they were too afraid of everyone turning on them if they stood up and said ‘Stop’.
At some point in their lives, they will grow up, be stronger, be less afraid to stand alone. They will also regret the way that they treated you. They WILL. They will wish that day in the cafeteria had gone differently.
You and I are so much alike. I so wish you didn’t have to go through this, but if I could undo anything about my past it would be to change how hard I was on myself. I would want to see me like people who loved and cared about me see me.
How I see YOU.
You are a wonderful, wonderful person. You have such a fun personality, so much energy and kindness. You DO know how to be a friend, you are just in a tough place. This age is so hard on most people, son. Everyone else needs to catch up to YOU. You will see. For some it happens in High School, but it didn’t happen for me until college.
Suddenly, people got to college and everyone was on a level playing field. People were less worried about what the kid sitting next to them would think of their friends and more about how much they actually liked being around the person in question.
And guess what? I was a person people wanted to be around. I looked around a room full of fellow Choir-geeks and realized that every single person in that room LIKED ME.
They liked me because I was funny, smart, talented and kind.
JUST LIKE YOU ARE.
It was a wonderful, wonderful moment, James and I know you will have something similar if not better.
I can see it, son. I can see what you can be. I absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that your life will be blessed with friends that love and care about you just the way you are.
You have to trust me that I KNOW IT.
You are an excellent brother and I couldn’t ask for a better son.
Now it’s time to try and get some sleep.
Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.
I love you with all my heart.
Goodnight.
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I’m so sad he’s feeling that way. Why are kids so cruel to one another!! You’re such a good mom, if only he’d listen to you and really believe it.
Loralee,
I am Camille’s sister from Archives of Our Lives. I am a frequent blog stalker, and have often wanted to make a comment, but this absolutely did me in. As I’m sure you’ve noticed from Camille’s blog, I recently had a baby. Whether I’m suffering from leftover pregnancy hormones, postpartum, or the effects of being a first-time mother, this post absolutely tore at my heart strings. In the past, I never understood why parents got all torn up about things; after all, kids will be kids, and there’s not much you can do about it. But now, things are so much different. I finally understand, or at least I’m beginning to understand, what real pain is; it’s when your child is suffering and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. All I can say is I am so sorry for your pain and for the pain of your son. I wish I could give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright. He’s lucky to have such a kind, caring mother who will help him through these rough spots in his life.
Thanks for the enigmatic writing; I know that I can always click on your blog for some thought-provoking entertainment!
I don’t have postpartum hormones and am not a first time mum, but it got my heartstrings too.
Where oh where are the giant child sized bunches of cotton wool when you need them?
Sometimes motherhood bites – your kid in pain? The worst.
Hugs to you both tonight.
I can totally relate to what James is going through… me, in my twelve-year-old self. James, be true to yourself… the right people will find you and they will be friends for a lifetime. I’m sorry that they haven’t found you already and realized what a wonder you are!
argh… been there too. In 5th grade, I was the ‘target’ of a group of girls and it just SUCKED. *hugs to James* It truly does make you appreciate real friendship later in life.. but explaining that and getting a kid to understand is tough.
Why is it always the nice kids that get dumped on and treated like crap? It sucks. I hate that so many parents have or will have to have this discussion with their child. I got treated like crap too. Why? Who the hell knows?
Nice kids revolt! It’s hard that it takes so long for karma to come around and get the jerks, but it does give me pleasure to see some of them still floundering to figure out what to do with their lives because they no longer have “cool” to protect them.
Parenting sucks sometimes.
I felt like this for a long time too. It wasn’t until high school that I really made some good friends. Sometimes there are just aren’t the right people around who will recognize your worth. They’re worth waiting for, though.
I wish my kids could stay little like they are now. Then I would not have to deal with these kind of situations. You are precious. Thanks for the sweet post.
Oh, man. I am not looking forward to having this conversation with my kids. I was in tears reading this – I could have written it. As a kid I was pretty much friendless and picked on constantly for being too fat, too smart, too whatever. You couldn’t pay me to relive my school days. I really hope that it’s easier for my kids, but I realize this might not be the case.
You put this so well. I may have to bookmark this post for the future when I’m at a loss for words during this very situation. I’m so sorry your sweet boy (and you) are going through this. But I know you’re right – at some point he will be surrounded by friends who love him for who he really is.
Oh L~ this grabbed me and just broke my heart. You wrote such an amazing letter and I so feel for your son.
Thank you for sharing your story, his and your words of advice and love with us.
Wow. That was brilliant. We have been struggling with what to say to our kids about this kind of situation as well.
Well said.
That was such an awesome post. Let him know that Toby is still his friend, even though he is not there in Logan, we all are his friends!
Poor James! I hope he was suitably cheered by your post – your words are powerful!
Cxx
I will never understand the cruelty of kids. I’m sorry your son is going through all that. What a beautiful post though.
OMG, yes. This. My son and I had a big heart to heart the other day about this very subject. And it does break my heart to see him go through this, get his feelings hurt, etc, because I KNOW he’s a fantastic kid. I hope yours, and mine, can find some really good friends soon who they can really depend on and enjoy. It doesn’t seem so much to ask, does it?
Wonderful post, L. Totally made me weepy.
PS- I love that you were a choir geek :)
Wonderful post.
It is hard, this parenting thing.
What an absolutely wonderful post! James is so fortunate to have you for his mom.
I was one of those kids who had a hard time fitting in…always on the honor roll, too fat, etc. etc. But you are right, in college things began to change!
As an elementary teacher for over 30 years, I can say that some children can be VERY cruel!!! I made every effort to always make the picked-on kids feel special, loved, and cared about. And I ALSO made sure the kids who were doing the teasing knew how wrong it was!
Your son sounds very sweet. Poor little guy.
I was teased and generally not well liked as well. My brother got it even worse than I did. I think kids tease because they don’t have confidence in themselves, and so they tear others down in order to feel like they are alright. It’s a nasty cycle. The effects of their teasing end up tearing down kids who already had confidence.
Like me. I was confident once. And I really truly think that the reason I have a lot of social anxieties these days has to do with my being teased in my youth. And that makes me feel robbed.
This breaks my heart. I don’t know why people have to be so mean and so scared. (It doesn’t just happen to kids.) James is an amazing kid, so fun, so sweet. It’s a shame that the kids at his school are missing out on knowing him. You are an awesome mom, and I think you handled the situation very well.
Doesn’t it make you want to march up to that school and take those brats and teach them a lesson–something equally as mean and cruel.
But yes, we are the parents, and although it is fun to think about it, we need to be adults. (Darn!)
James sounds like a wonderful boy. Some of the things I’ve heard him say via your blog are so insightful and caring. I’m so sorry that he is going through it–we’ve been through the same thing with our kids. It sucks. But you are a good mom, and you love him and he’ll get through it with you and your family’s support.
That was beautiful. I wish I had heard this when I was young and being picked on constantly. Other than my best friend, I didn’t truly find my real friends until I was in university.
Like the others have said, James is blessed to have you as a mom. I too hope that he finds some life-long friends soon. Until then, sending some internet hugs his way.
I love this post. James is most definitely blessed with you.
I often reassure my younger son that as people grow up, he will make more friends. I was an outsider for years. It helps him to know that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I’m not ready for this – I just can’t deal with people hurting Faith.. I can’t deal with it tiny portions on the playground, I don’t know how it will feel when it’s more complex like this.. I will die. I’m so sorry – I’m just glad James has someone as strong and compassionate and loving as you for a mother.
The whole friend business is so hard, but you are a wonderful example to your son. I guess we all have to come to a point in our lives when we realize that we are our own best friend, and that friends will come.
I’m so glad I found you.
When I was a kid, my best friend was my Mom. I was picked on and all of that stuff all my life – until I went into the Service at age 17. If not for my Mom … I hope he knows, if not for his Mom …
Wonderful letter, though I know you wish you didn’t have to write it.
Hugs to you and yours.
I was one of the kids who wanted to stick up for the one being teased but I had NO spine. If I could go back, I would and I would yell at those mean horrible kids and walk away proud.
My heart breaks for both of you. No one should have to endure that kind of pain. NO ONE.
You are a wonderful mother and are so eloquent.
That was beautiful, perfect and amazing. You are one rockin’ Mama. James is lucky to have you, and I have a feeling he knows it. Here’s hoping those punks grow up quickly and stop tormenting…
Sigh.
You are such a great Mommy.
I totally and utterly relate to this. While my kids are *just* starting school, I had a downright awful school experience. I fear that they will have the same.
(HUGS)
This absolutely breaks my heart. I, too, always had trouble making friends in school. I’m so sorry he’s having a hard time. Being a kid is HARD.
Such a sweet letter. I have two younger sisters and they are both wonderful young ladies. I watched one go through school and make friends so easily and watched the other try and try and try. It was heartbreaking. My dad had many of these conversations and now she is in college and she has found other who love her. Middle and high school can be so tough.
Sad. Are their neighborhood kids, or some kind of church group, or boy scouts he could go to to try and make friends?
Kids can be mean sometimes, but that is great what you told him. You’re a good MOm.
Oh, Loralee. I haven’t even finished reading this because I’m crying and my eyes are filled with tears. Filled.
So lovely and honest and true (at least as much as I’ve read).
You are such an amazing mother. I hope when my boys go through hard stuff, I will be able to express things as beautifully as you do.
This was beautiful! I really hope that you give this to him or let him read it. He may not fully accept it right now but hopefully it will stick with him, and one day when it does come true a light bulb will light and he will realize you were right all along.
I know for me being a twin of a very outgoing person was very hard on me. I didn’t fully come out of her shadow and make my own friends until our senior year of high school and only then because she got married and left school early. Sophmore and Junior year I was referred to her little sister (we are the EXACT same age – due to a C-section) — I’m not sure anyone even knew my name until I made a name for myself.
LL,
Small child went back to a charter school this year. He doesn’t know how to take social cues. He’s been called weird. He has good days and bad days. In fact, the second week of school he had an anonymous note left on his desk that said, “You have no friends here.” Broke my heart. I KNOW exactly what you’re going through. However, we’ve been trudging along because he insists that he wants to go to school every day, so we just take our cues off of him. Sigh.
Your letter is beautiful, truthful and insightful. Your predictions will all come to fruition for your little guy.
Make sure to tell James, like I told small child, that he will never, ever lead a boring life. Both James and small child are so full of joy, smarts, talent and fun. They will NEVER sit at a desk in a cubicle (no offense to the cubicle sitters) for twenty years. Their lives will be amazing because of who they are!
And small child told me he wanted five friends (five?????) I told him that all you really need is one or two very, very close friends. “Friend” is an esteemed word. It’s an honorable and earned title. It’s the family that we get to choose. It’s a title that should never be handed out loosely.
You’re a good Mama, LL. Because of that James knows that he’s safe and he has a sense of belonging. He’ll get through this. Sigh.
Love you.
LL2
I admire you for pouring out your heart to your son. Its hard for someone when they are young to understand that this too will pass. Thank goodness I don’t have to look for approval like I felt I had to in middle school! Good luck to you and James.
This was better than any birthday letter I’ve ever wrote.
Beautiful and touching — and he’s so lucky to have you.
You are one gooooood mama!
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I’m dealing with this VERY issue with my daughter at the moment. It breaks my heart and reminds me of my own tormented days as the friendless geek in school.
Big kisses to yours.
And I’m so grateful that I can call you my friend.
I had a moment like that too, but with me it was a room full of band geeks. :) In the middle of my junior year I suddenly became this confident, funny person I hadn’t been before and had friends like you wouldn’t believe. Thing is though, I don’t wish I could take back the years of loneliness. They really taught me a lot about people and about myself, so that when the time came I really did know how to be a great friend.
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I am so fortunate that my son will talk to me about things like this. My heart broke over one such talk about a month ago. It’s kind funny how much our talk sounded like your talk with your son.
My son has hemi-paresis in his right side and has speech problems, due to 5 strokes that he had when he was just two years old. He has noticed more and more in the past couple of years, how people treat him or shun him, or just completely ignore him altogether. He is homeschooled, but goes to the junior high youth group at church.
One night we were on our way home from junior high youth group, and he just opened up, and sobbed and sobbed because no one wants to be his friend. There are a couple of girls who are friends with him, but not really any guy friends.
Of course this broke my heart in two!!!! How I hurt for him. We are putting him in high school in the fall, and I am just praying that he will be able to find a couple of guy friends who would love to hang out with him, and vice versa.
I feel for you! I so remember being the one in school with no friends, because I didn’t dress cool, and wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, nylons, or jeans to school! I was never popular until after I turned 21, and hung out at the bar, and those were NOT the kind of friendships I needed! Yes, I have a few close friends now, but it’s been a LONG time coming!
What a beautiful post. Growing up is hard – I was picked on too at times – and it still hurts years later. But your little guy is lucky to have a Mom like you!
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