Scene:
Posh, local gym, Dressing area
Time:
Immediately after ‘Boot Camp’
Cast:
Our heroine (That would be me), two elderly HARPIES, one mute, anemic-looking girl who sniffs CONSTANTLY and wipes her nose on her sleeve.
Action:
Having forgotten to put a spare bra and underwear in her gym bag, our heroine decides to go commando and bra-less rather than consider putting back sweaty, girly-gunked underthings on her freshly-showered body. Since she is in layers, no bra is actually needed and frankly, the other option is just GRODY.
Suddenly, a smug voice pipes up from behind her.
Harpy #1: “It certainly is a different generation from when I was raised. We never went traipsing around without all our undergarments. It implied you were racy. In fact, the one girl in my school that never wore a girdle was fast, but she was from California.”
Mute, anemic girl: Sniff…
Harpy #2: “Parents were more responsible then. WE were more responsible as parents. I can’t imagine raising a girl who would go around with her BOSOMS flapping in the wind for all the world to see.”
Mute, anemic girl: SNIFF… (Wipe)
Harpy #1 “Yes, we were certainly raised better than people today.”
(That was it. The final straw. Normally, our heroine has a spine made out of string cheese and with the exception of one teeny incident at a gas station (In which she was also bra-less. Coincidence?) she abhors public confrontation. She even has issues sending her food back at restaurants. However, she is also raging and angry and is also a bit “WTF? Is this for real? Seriously?”, and the SNIFFING is driving her over the EDGE. Something must be said.)
Heroine: “You know? My mother taught me to respect my elders, but I have to say that what I wear on my naked butt is NONE of your business. Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME! (Oh, yes. Yes, I did actually say that.) And? My mother also raised me to not speak about other people rudely. Especially WHEN THEY ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I am sure my mother would prefer me to have my “Bosoms flapping in the wind” ANY DAY over being so publicly awful!”
Mute, anemic girl: SNIFF! SNIFF!! SNIFF!!!
Heroine: OH, GET A TISSUE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WILL YOU?!
Ok, that last part was in my head, but the sniffing really didn’t help matters. The rest of it was dead on. Word for word. I still cannot believe something that archaic happened. It’s just foreign to me. The people I know that are their age are all kind and awesome. It was just weird and it felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone or having an encounter with Rachel Lynd from the “Anne of Green Gables” series or something.
I grabbed my things and left angrily. I didn’t even notice how they reacted. I just drove home feeling pissed off and wished for the eleventyhundredth time that I could grab a Diet Coke to calm me down and comfort me. (Five weeks, people. FIVE!)
Oh, well. At least I didn’t want to vomit my bowels out and die during boot camp today, right?!
P.S.
In case you ever wondered?
Dry shaving your legs is as EVERY BIT as bad an idea as they say.
Just so you know.
I’ve totally done that. But then, I’m old. And fat. And don’t give a flying fuck what other’s think.
See what you have to look forward to?
:)
Sorry about the f-word. I was just using it like a suffix on the word “flying”.
You go girl! Awesome!
“WTF? Is this for real? Seriously” were all things I was thinking. For reals.
I wish I could have been there to see it. Their reactions, that is.
Dude. You are my hero! I wish I had the balls (?) to say something to stupid people who flap their lips without thinking. I would have been so angry, even if I suddenly grew a spine, my comebacks wouldn’t have been nearly so dead-on.
Oh, for heaven’s sake….. enough with the Diet Coke, already!!!!! You’re gonna be one of those old ladies, looking like you don’t have a bra on, even when you do, complaining about how “back in MY day we had to go for weeks… WEEKS, I tell you… without any diet coke. You *bleep* kids don’t even know what you have with yer caffeine patches and yer teleportation devices… why, in MY day…..”
I apologize for my tone in that last comment. I was momentarily taken to the mother ship and replaced with an ornery zombie. Actually, I am going to take your lead and stand up to some persnickety old bats in my ward when they tell me I’m not doing my calling the right way!
Yay, Loralee!!!
Erin, I laughed at your “Embittered Diet Coke Granny” comment! Do no worry friend. I am not some wench conducting a master class that will misconstrue what you’re saying! I think you’re funny. :)
I see how it goes. Write a post about nudity and get 50+ comments. I’m going to have to try that, but first I’m going to have to come up with a bloggable naked story.
I would have said, ‘no my momma didn’t teach me any better, because I didn’t have one, thanks for being completely insensitive and pointing it out though.’
So you quote Muppets too? I’m in love.
Michelle at Scribbit’s last blog post..TheaC Photography Giveaway
I missed this! Good for you!!! I have my moments where I blow up and usually the jerks deserve it…these two women totally deserved it!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Hoo-Hatorial
YAY, LORALEE!!!!!!! That’s awesome. I’m so proud of you. So many people just let these kinds of things go on and don’t say anything, and then these little bitties just feel free to keep saying rude things without retribution. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll think twice next time they’re going to be rude and voice their opinions. Then again, maybe not.
**P.S LOVE the Rachel Lynd reference.